Episode 3 Da Dick and Dom Dairies

-How do-doodle? I'm Dick.

-Which makes me Dom.

Do you remember this cupboard?

-I've had the bestest of ideas.

-Yeah?

-Let's have a game of paper, scissors, stone!

-Agh!

Put your hand behind your back, no cheating.

-Ready?

-BOTH: One, two three...paper!

-Again.

-BOTH: One, two three...paper!

BOTH: One, two, three...paper!

-We can't keep having paper.

-I'll have stone instead.

Ooh!

Ha-ha!

-Yes, the diddies.

-Many people forget that we were one of the first shows

to use high-tech imagery like that.

They said we could get a similar effect sticking black cloths

-over our heads, but that would insult the audience.

-Absolutely.

We didn't stop there!

-I'm a flying dog! I'm a flying dog!

-I'm a flying dog, mama!

With a twin turbo-engined woofer...

-Get back!

-..and a canine chopper! Woof, woof!

-We told Steven Spiel-veggie-burger all he knows!

-We did?

-We did.

-Did we?

-No.

-Oh. we didn't.

Onwards and slightly sideways...

# These are the diaries of Dick and Dom

# They've got to find a load that you can shove along

# They play the maddest games you've ever seen

# And the oddballs in-between The Diaries of Dick and Dom

# The Diaries of Dick and Dom

# The prize idiot and the neighbour's cat

# Now they know Doom and DI Harry Batt

# Dirty Norris and mushy peas.

# And don't forget BOGIES!

-# The Diaries of Dick and Dom

-In Da Bungalow

-# The Diaries of Dick and Dom

-In Da Bungalow

-# The Diaries of Dick and Dom

-In Da Bungalow

-# The Diaries of Dick and Dom

-In Da Bungalow

# Whoo! #

# Looking for some hot stuff baby this evening

# I need some hot stuff baby tonight... #

'The following stuff and nonsense from Dick and Dom in Da Bungalow

'was first shown live between 2002 and 2006.

'Enjoy.'

# ..Hot stuff I need hot stuff... #

-# The Diaries of Dick and Dom

-In Da Bungalow. #

# Good game, good game Gamey game game

# Good game, good game Gamey game game

# Good game, good game Gamey game game

# Good game, good game Gamey game game. #

APPLAUSE

All right, my love. Brucie Forsyth here with another round

of Good Game, Good Game Gamey Game Game.

Is that right, Tess?

Well done, you charming all-round entertainer and celebrity golfer.

Marvellous. I'm watching you and thinking, you've got to be careful -

we don't want you hurling from your twirling.

-What don't we want from your twirling?

-Me hurling!

Quite. OK. The aim of the game is to match the name of the game

written on these cards - we've written The Bungalow Game,

If you match a pair we can see that game again in all its glory.

All right. Off we go.

Look down here - the first card...

Marvellous game.

Rachel Stevens. I do love Rachel.

Nothing yet. Here we go, down here.

Another Bungalow Medley!

-Marvellous. What do we do with a pair, Tess?

-Give it an eclair!

No. We play the game.

So let's look at another marvellous Bungalow Medley.

# In the Mucky Puddle Power Shower Game. #

# Bicycle, bicycle... #

Come on, you're doing well!

Pedal harder!

Come on.

-Generate the electricity. Get the lights on!

-Come on, do it!

20 seconds left...

# Put it in your tum-tum Euuhhhh yum-yum. #

-A bit of fromage.

-Shallots.

Petit dejeuner in the bungalow!

Jambon...

Come on! My God!

Pommes de terre.

Oh!

# Grasping, rasping wrinklies are a scary proposition

# Especially as one of them has a nervous disposition. #

Go to one of the granddads of your choice

and take away their false teeth.

One of these granddads is a nutter. He's got a nervous disposition.

If you take his false teeth away, he will go barmy and you will lose.

No. You're safe.

# Something like Sebastian Coe Celebrity Two Word Tango. #

David Beckham.

Very good.

Akon.

-Akon?

-Yes.

Jennifer Aniston.

Yeah. Very nice.

Natasha...

-HOOTER

-Aw!

# I like to ride my bicycle bicycle, bicycle, bicycle

# Bicycle bicycle... #

Time's up. Stop pedalling.

Chelsea, your turn.

Pick some numbers.

Who's going to get those 232 bungalow points?

You need these.

Is he the nutter?

-Safe.

-Safe.

# Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes, oh yes

# Yes I have creme vanilla bavarois et chocolat marquis

# Avec raspberry fromage frais trousers. #

We've got a winner!

Yeah! How can this lose? Look at it.

How can this be beaten by any other children's programme?

We keep trying to tell them all - it's award winning!

Hello, Monkey!

Now you.

Pick paste.

Fresh teeth.

Move waste.

House cat.

Nice hat.

Fancy that?

Like that!

Off you go. It's all to play for for your team.

Come on, pick one. He's going for that one.

Yaghh!

SHOUTING AND CHEERING

Good Game, Good Game Gamey Game Game.

# Here's an odd bit That didn't really fit

# The show is often random but then so are Dick and Dom

# It's a totally random moment. #

# I've got me mutton chops

# I've got me mutton chops

# You put the boom boom into my heart - shurrup

# You send my soul sky high when your loving starts - shurrup

# Jitterbug into my brain - shurrup

# I goes bang bang bang till my feet do the same

# Something's bugging you, something ain't right - shurrup

# My best friend told me what you did last night - awful

# Left me sleeping in my bed

# I was dreaming but I should have been with you instead - shurrup

BOTH: # Wake me up before you go-go

# Don't leave me hanging on like a yo-yo

# Wake me up - shurrup Before you go-go

# I didn't want to miss it when you hit me hard - wake me up

# Before you go-go Cos I'm not planning on going solo

# Wake me up before you go-go

# Take me dancing tonight, then shurrup. #

# All right me darlings

# If you've got a bundle of one up your sleeve

# Then bid at the auction and you might leave

-# With a forfeit to spend

-All right me darlings

-# On an unwilling friend

-All right me darlings

# Cos you're to meet with a very very very sticky end. #

Who wants to be the Codfather? We're gonna start at 20 bungalow points.

Megan. Anyone giving more than 20,

-cos this is a good forfeit? Sam, how many? 21 from Sam.

-23.

23 from Megan. Sam?

-24.

-Anybody going higher than 24?

If you don't buy it, it can happen to you!

BURP!

It's gonna go to Sam. The Codfather has gone to Sam.

Come here. There's lot 104. Can you do me a favour and shout, "Lot 104?"

-Lot 104.

-Who's it gonna go to?

Yes!

-Poor Georgina.

-Georgina, go off and get changed.

Not only are you gonna be turned into a father, a man,

you're gonna have a cod put on your head.

Here she is! She is the Codfather!

-Right.

-You sit over here.

You sit here and we put you on there.

Then what we do... Get a piece of fish.

Can I get a piece of fish?

These fish are your children. You love your fish, OK?

We'll start with this little fish. This is a really good fish.

-Hold this fish.

-Then read this one.

-Then read this one.

-To the fish.

-You are my youngest son and I need much love.

It is cold in this bungalow.

For this reason I will keep you warm in my trousers.

you said to the fish that you'd keep it warm in your trousers.

What does the fish say back?

"Yep, I love your trousers."

He's saying something else.

"I've always wanted to be on Dick and Dom in Da Bungalow."

I'd give my life to be on that show.

Well, you have.

-Shove it.

-I'd give my life to be on that show!

There it is, look.

You said you want it down your trousers.

Stand up a minute. You're gonna...

Put your hat back on!

Think what mama would say.

-Put the fish...

-Eugh!

-Agh!

Eugh! It's going down. Watch, it's gonna go. Ready?

Ready?

-Ready...

-Eugh!

-Agh!

It's at the bottom.

It's swimming around. Look, look! Look at that!

-Look.

-It's there!

-Agh!

-It's alive!

-Agh!

-You're tickling my ankle!

-Next one.

-Oh!

-Next fish.

-It whiffs in here.

-This is another...

-Look at that one!

..from the jellied eel factory. Look at that beauty!

It's a dead fish! OK.

Here you go. Speak to your children.

There's your fish.

You are my favourite daughter. I love you with all my worth

and for this reason I will keep you next to my heart.

Oh. Did you just say that you want the fish next to your heart?

-There.

-Right, that's where the fish is going! Right in there!

It's going right in with your heart!

-OK.

-Keep it there. Lovely.

Who's next?

OK. Here we are. This is the best one. you'll like this a lot!

-Uno...

-OK. No, the big one.

The big one's last.

-No, it's not.

-No.

-It's next.

-Now?

-Yeah.

-Luigi's next!

-My old mate, Luigi!

Here he is!

-Look at him.

-OK.

I want you to say this one for mama!

You are my oldest son and blessed

with the intelligence of thousands of men.

For this reason I will keep you on my head, next to my brain.

-Did you say you want the fish on your head?

-No!

-Open it.

-Open the fish!

AUDIENCE GROANS

Oh, no!

The fish! Agh!

Have you ever seen this on TV before? I don't think so.

-Oi!

-This one's a girl.

"I like keeping your head warm."

ANTHEMIC MUSIC PLAYS

'Once again Dick and Dom strike another blow

'for quality children's television.'

# If you've got a new word and it really is absurd

# Genius, inventive, maybe even visionary

# Stupid, ridiculous and totally unnecessary

# Put in a legendary, luminary airy fairy, Dick and Dom-tionary. #

Stand here and tell us your word.

-Elektrofunkercise.

-Yeah!

-We like that.

-What is that?

-Walking in a funky '80s style.

Colisheepatastic.

-Colisheepatastic.

-Yeah.

-What's that?

A herd of sheep made of cauliflower.

A herd of sheep made of cauliflower.

-Mopo doo pig dee.

-Nice.

-What is Mopo doo pig dee?

A pig that polishes the floor.

Pooingtons.

Who or what are the pooingtons?

When you go to the toilet in a posh house.

-Aah!

-Aw.

It's pooingtons. Going into the Dick-and-Dom-tionary!

And here's your word in action.

'Pooingtons. When you go to the toilet in a posh house,

'as in when TV's David Jason went to the Buckingham Palace

'to pick up his award, he thought,

'"Mmm, I might just have myself a nice pooington."'

LAUGHTER

Wahey!

SIREN WAILS

Naebody move!

-# Bursting on the scene with a

-Naebody move!

# He's a Geordie cop with a case to prove

# So gangsters, burglars and cheeky juveniles

# He'll get you bang to rights and slap you in the Batt Files

# Batt Files! #

The name's Dibatt.

Eh? Dibatt?

Di-batt? Dibatt?

What's that?

DI Batt! Detective Inspector Batt, you duck egg!

Bet this never happens on Crimewatch. Let's stort again,

shall wa?

Howay.

Detective Inspector Harry Batt here.

Now, I expect you're all thinking that...

that police work is all glamorous and exciting. Stakeouts,

makin' arrests, high-speed cor chases.

Well, I'm here to tell you that the reality is quite different.

Let's take a look at a real high-speed cor chase

out in the real world where I really live.

SCREAMING

SIRENS WAIL

SCREAMING

You're nicked!

Now then. I knae my cor seemed to make a miraculous recovery

the minute I left the bungalae, but sometimes the recordings

of these shaes get damaged, so you can't always believe what you see.

Similarly, you might have naeticed a technical hitch where my hair

went missing off the top of me heid, which is ridiculous cos me hair's

as real as me Geordie accent, divn't ya knae, man?

SIREN WAILS

# The show is often random

# But then so are Dick and Dom

# It's a totally random moment. #

THEY SING

APPLAUSE

# Here's the pick of the show and a long-running blow

# To the hoity-toity folk who don't enjoy a joke

# If you've got a heart condition or a nervous disposition

# Go and buy some earplugs and call up the physician

-# Cos we're gonna shout

-Bogies!

# Till we're banned from every building in the world. #

Bogies!

WHISPERS Welcome to the fabulous...

Welcome to the fabulous Mitchell Library here in Glasgow.

And Wood starts us off with an almost inaudible bogie.

Bogies.

McCourt raising the volume 1.1...

Bogies.

Wood straight back in with a 1.5.

Very tight at this stage of the game.

Small margins of increase.

So, 1.5 to beat...

..for McCourt.

Bogies.

He's done it. That's a 1.8.

Is the pressure starting to show?

Bo-gies.

Nice bogie. 2.5!

Should be very pleased with that effort.

Bogies.

It's there!

It's a 3.5.

Some surprise on the face of Wood,

but McCourt justifiably proud...

of his last effort.

THEY LAUGH

All around them, the Dewey decimal system...

and two million volumes, approximately, at one of Europe's

largest reference libraries, built in 1877

by a wealthy tobacco magnate.

Now...

the serious business in hand.

Bogies!

That was a brave bogie...

It's a 4.2!

And the crowd getting to their feet, delighted with the audacity

of Wood's tactics there.

And it seems McCourt has lost his bottle.

Yes, he concedes and hands the match to Wood!

APPLAUSE What a marvellous victory.

Let's see that winning bogie once more.

Bogies!

Superb.

What shall we leave with them today, dear?

It's time for Muck Or No Muck, the high-strategy guessing game

where nothing is left to chance, apart from all the guessing!

It's the kind of show that us high-brow intellectuals love.

Unusually for us, we gave it utmost respect and paid attention

to every single detail.

Didn't we just change the huge wads of cash for creamy muck muck?

W... Ma...

Yeah.

Mm...

This week's handy pack of muck-chuck formangulated flipping...

Muck Or No Muck!

-APPLAUSE

-Welcome, welcome, welcome!

It's me, Little Noely,

with the show that only asks one question - Muck Or No muck?

-APPLAUSE

-Join me now at the podium, Hayley.

Sit yourself up there, come and join Little Noely.

OK. Up you go.

Right.

OK. So...

Hayley.

This all rests on your shoulders.

-It's a big responsibility.

-LAUGHTER

If you blow it, you not only blow it for yourself but for everybody

currently winning a prize. No pressure.

What I need you to do now is give me the number of the first box

you'd like to eliminate. I've got cramp, so be quick.

Number five.

Number five. Where is it?

OK, Christy...

Christy,

you now have to open this box...

OK? And eliminate something from the board.

So, Christy, open your box!

To us, Christy.

There you go. OK.

-Open the box.

-Open it this way.

APPLAUSE

That is a fantastic start. If we look,

we take out muck muck. Fantastic.

Hayley.

OK, so I need the number of your next box.

-Number...three.

-Number three.

It's Willy Wonka!

Willy, nice to see you.

Let's hope it's another mucky box.

Let's have a look. Good muck!

Keep the prizes and you get mucked!

That's not so good.

I'm sorry about that! >

-Which means you do get a mucking.

-PHONE RINGS

-OK.

-PHONE RINGING

Still everything to play for - some good boxes left.

Yup.

Yeah.

So that's a 4, 16 and a 25.

Do you want special fried rice?

-OK. It'll be round in 30-40 minutes.

-LAUGHTER

So we're looking for your next number.

Number four.

Number four, it's Theo.

LAUGHTER

Theo, let's hope you've got a mucky box.

Open it.

Chopped tomatoes! That is great, that is fantastic, one of the best

games we've played ever. Chopped tomatoes.

-Who would you like the chopped tomatoes to go on to?

-Theo!

Theo.

No, no!

There you go.

-Ha-ha!

-That's worse!

-Hayley.

-You're doing very very well...

-PHONE RINGS

-Hello?

-'Hello?

'Is there a Mr Wall in the bungalow?'

-No, there's no Mr Wall.

-'Is there a Mrs Wall?'

-Er, no.

-'Are there any walls in the bungalow?'

-No walls in the bungalow.

'Better get out quick, the roof's coming in.'

LAUGHTER

Next number, please.

Number ten.

Number ten...

It's Maisie... Maisie,

let's hope you've got a very filthy box there.

-Oh!

-APPLAUSE

That's not what we were looking for.

Aah!

Hayley. Your next number, please.

Six.

Number six. Wait a minute, wait a minute.

OK. We really need to see some muck in this box...

and we'll have a look at that straight after the break. Hold it.

THEME MUSIC PLAYS

Where's he going?

I don't know where he's gone.

RIPPING >

POURING WATER >

Toilet!

-Toilet.

-TOILET FLUSHES >

THEY LAUGH

THEME MUSIC PLAYS

Ah!

Paul, let's hope, for everybody's sake,

you've got a mucky box.

Open the box.

It's mushy peas!

That's what we were looking for, mushy peas go off the board.

We need to find... Who wants mushy peas?

-Dick.

-Dick.

Aah!

Right.

Hayley, Hayley,

you're doing absolutely fine. We need the next box.

-Number eight.

-Number eight. Will it be lucky?

Hold on, Julia.

Come on, Julia.

It's got to be either rice pudding or Dirty Norris.

You really need a dirty box at this stage. Julia, fingers crossed.

Oh!

Well, that is it! Hayley, a most extraordinary game. So the prizes

go to prize losers. How are we feeling?

They're very happy about that.

There's only one thing more to do at this stage,

and that's ask the question to...

Go, go, go!

MUSIC: "The Ace Of Spades" by Motorhead

Don't splatter Little Noely! Don't splatter Little Noely!

SCREAMING

Don't splatter Little Noely! Don't splatter Little Noely!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd.

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