The Castle Dani's Castle


The Castle

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Transcript


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So, you're the one Marjorie left the castle to.

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Must've been quite the surprise.

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I didn't even knew I had an aunt in Ireland!

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I mean, one minute I'm Dani the actress,

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the next I'm Dani, Queen of the Castle.

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I mean, how glam is that?

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You're an actress? What have I seen you in?

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Eh, well, I played a nurse in McHurtie's Hospital.

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CAR SCREECHES TO A HALT

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McHurtie's Hospital?!

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Oh, you've heard of it?

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No.

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Here we are.

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Erm, this isn't the castle.

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This is as far as I go.

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You'll find the castle on the other side of those woods.

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Good luck. You're going to need it.

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CAR SCREECHES AWAY

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Oh, no!

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You've got to be kidding me.

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You've got to be kidding me!

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You've really got to be kidding me.

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A castle, I own an actual castle!

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And I own an actual horse

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but round here we tend to start with "hello".

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Sorry. Feeling a bit, "Wow! Castle!"

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I'm guessing you must be Dani.

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I'm guessing you're from Manchester.

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We moved here a while back.

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Our dad's the groundskeeper here, so...

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He sent us to meet you. I'm Kait and this is Leo.

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Leo the Magnificent.

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Oh, certainly not Leo the Modest.

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-He thinks he's a magician.

-Pick a card.

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Memorise it. Put it back in the pack.

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OK. Is this your card?

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No.

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Is THIS?

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Anyhow. Shall we head inside? You're going to love the place.

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..but Dad's work took him to Manchester when we were little.

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We came home to Bogmoor a couple of years ago.

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I need to call my friends. They are not going to believe this.

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Why can't I get a signal?

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It does slightly depend on which way the wind is blowing.

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Please tell me this place has wifi.

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Of course! There's an internet cafe down in Ballysheeny.

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Oh, where's that?

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A ten-mile walk or so.

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Although it did sort of burn down.

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-SIRENS WAIL

-Oops.

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Ladies and gentlemen, for my next trick,

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I shall make the fire brigade appear.

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Just a bit.

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No phone signal, no internet.

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Well, maybe this is my big chance to get back to nature.

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INSECTS BUZZ

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Exactly. Who wouldn't want a castle, right?

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-Unless it's haunt...

-Er, here's a map of the area.

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Bogmoor Village, Mount Bogmoor, Lake Bogmoor.

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Who's that up in the window?

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Nobody else here. Shall we?

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This is going to be amazing.

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DOOR SLAMS SHUT

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Er, it's just a draft. This way?

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Wow.

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So, what do you reckon, Dani?

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Well, it has potential.

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Absolutely it has potential.

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Also, rats.

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With a bit of work, it could have a real homely feel.

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So what if it needs a clean and there's junk everywhere?

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I just can't believe this is all mine.

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Well, we better go check everything is up and running,

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give you a minute to soak it all in.

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How many of my ancestors have lived here?

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Hello! Can I help you?

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I'm Dani, and, well, I guess this is my castle.

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Your castle, my lady?

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Oh, I inherited it from a long-lost aunt.

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What's with the "My lady"? I mean, what century are you from?

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Sorry, not cool.

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You're feeling warm?

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Why would I be feeling warm?

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-You said you're not cool.

-Seriously, who are you?

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I'm a... The local...

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Art! Yes. I'm the art historian for this parish.

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I'm doing an inventory of the paintings, my lady.

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You know, ordinary 20th century behaviour.

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It's the 21st Century.

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Obviously.

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Right, OK. You've got hot water and everything.

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Dani, what's the matter?

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Well, I was just talking to this guy. He was right here.

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Now he's disappeared.

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-Maybe it was a gho...

-Finish that word,

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and I'll feed you to Prince William.

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-Sorry?

-Oh, it's what I call my horse.

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Goat. Maybe she was talking to a goat.

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-A goat?

-HE BLEATS

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He said he was a local art historian. Great hair?

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Good bone structure? Kind of, um, swoony?

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Sounds like a spectre to me.

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-Leo!

-A ghost? Come on.

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Everyone round here thinks the castle is haunted.

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Then they're stupid! There's no such thing as ghosts.

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Esme! You won't believe!

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Wait, I'm updating my Ghostly-Book.

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"And all that's left to say is... SOL!"

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SOL?

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Scream Out Loud. Get with it, brother. You're so 18th century.

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There are people in the castle, Esme! Real human beings!

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I just conversed with one!

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You spoke to a human?

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She said this is her castle. That she inherited it from Marjorie.

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She seemed nice and didn't even know I was a ghost.

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You cannot speak to humans.

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Ghosts and humans don't mix, Gabriel.

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You know how you're scared of wasps?

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That's how most humans feel about ghosts.

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No, the castle was locked with a big chain.

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No-one's been in here for months.

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There must be a rational explanation.

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Whoever it was, I hope he comes back.

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I could do with a friend while I'm here.

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SMASHING AND CLATTERING

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Leo, mind!

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Hey, guys. Sorry about that.

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Nothing like making an entrance.

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I know, I know. Soak it up.

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Soak it up. Swaggerlicious.

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-Yeah, I meant that.

-What are you doing in my castle?

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Your castle? This is my castle.

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We need to get rid of them before they get rid of us.

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We need to scare them out.

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No! As your elder, I forbid you from scaring the humans.

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Gabe, we've both been around for over 200 years.

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The whole big brother routine doesn't apply any more.

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We're going to make friends with the humans.

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I want to show them there's more to ghosts than being frightening.

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-Except you're not even frightening.

-We are trying it my way!

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Fine, but if I so much as get a sniff that your way isn't working,

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those humans had better watch out.

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I don't suppose this human girl is attractive, by any chance?

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I didn't even notice what she looked like.

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Wow, just look at this place. It's fantastic.

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I went from earning nothing to owning this whole castle.

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I meant that.

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I'll ask again before you demolish this whole castle, who are you?

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Jimmy. I inherited this place off an aunt I didn't know I had.

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Dream on, Shades.

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Dani inherited this place off an aunt she didn't know she had.

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Dream on, Freckles.

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I think you'll find I've got a deed here that says this place is mine.

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In your face.

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In your face!

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In YOUR face, actually.

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Mad theory, but I don't suppose there's a teeny chance

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you both also have a cousin you didn't know you had?

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Well, if we're cousins,

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-you're probably from great-grandma's side of the family.

-The cool side.

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Depends on who you ask.

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-There's some small print here.

-"Check the fireplace."

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-It's mine.

-Let go!

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"My dearest Dani and Jimmy..."

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"..I apologise for this surprise, but it is my final wish

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"that I bring together the two warring sides of our family."

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What? I'm good at voices.

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"..by giving each of you half of my home to do with as you will".

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Well, 50% of a castle is better than 0%.

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You know, I think I'm really going to like it here.

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-Meant that.

-Kait.

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-What's up?

-Cool shades.

-You know.

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Well, we'd better get back.

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We'll leave you two to untangle the branches of your family tree.

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Wait, Kaitlin! Wait!

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Call me if you need anything.

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I don't have any signal. How can I call you?

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Just go to the top tower.

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Can I get signal there?

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No, but if you open the window and really, really shout, "Kaitlin!"

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-Your voice should just about carry to the village.

-Bye!

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Right.

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SMASHING GLASS Meant that!

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Jimmy, do your family really want you living

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all the way out here in this big, old castle?

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Well, you're my family.

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But we don't even know each other.

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How is this going to work, us living together?

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If you really don't like it,

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-I'm sure you've got a place to go back to.

-Don't know about that.

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My parents just sold the house to go around the world with my brother.

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I'm not entirely sure where home is any more.

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Sounds like this place came along just at the right time, then.

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Just look at that view. It's proper high-def.

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Yeah, probably because it's real but, yeah, we're really lucky.

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Yeah.

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Ow! What was that for?

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There's only so much gazing at landscapes

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I can do before boredom sets in. Time to have some fun.

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-Wait, Jimmy! Stop!

-What is it?

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These look like bills. By the looks of things,

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Auntie Marjorie owed a lot of people a lot of money.

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So what? She's not here any more. End of problem.

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Not for us. We inherited the castle so we inherit the debts.

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-Meaning?

-Meaning if we can't pay these off,

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-we're going to have to sell the castle.

-What?

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DISSONANCE

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This is a nightmare!

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You! Where did you disappear to earlier?

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Pan inspection.

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My lady, I'm not great with crowds of people.

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Please accept my apology.

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-Did you change your hair?

-No. How are you finding your castle?

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-Stressful.

-It sounds like you might need a friend.

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Yeah, maybe. It'd be nice to have someone to hang out with.

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Someone my own age.

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Yes, your age. Of course I am your age.

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Or just the tiniest bit older.

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Dani?

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Ooh! I can introduce you to Kait!

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Castlewarming present.

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-Wow, did you make this?

-Nah.

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Found it by the bins behind the back of the village bakery.

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Joking!

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How's everything going?

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Oh, sorry. I've been mucking out Prince William.

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You've been mucking out Prince William?

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MUSIC: "Rule, Britannia!"

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Oh, your horse!

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Yeah. It's just mud, though. Probably.

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Forget it. The state of these floors, it hardly matters.

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Anyway, let me introduce you to... He's done it again!

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Let me guess - your magically disappearing art historian?

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-He's real!

-Harry Houdini, the master illusionist,

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believed that the dead could contact the living.

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-So do I.

-Here we go again.

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This place is haunted. That's why your art fella keeps going "paf!"

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CLANKING

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Ghost! An actual ghost! Please tell me you can see that!

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I see it, but I refuse to believe it.

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Told you!

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Begone, spirit!

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LAUGHTER

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"Begone, spirit?" Are you serious?

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You actually thought I was a ghost?

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I think you're an idiot. I knew it wasn't a ghost.

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I hate you already, and I don't even know you.

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-Jimmy, what are you doing?

-Welcome to Medieval Land!

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-I'm sorry?

-That's how we pay off Marjorie's bills.

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We turn this place into a medieval theme park.

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Awesome! I could put on magic shows with a medieval torture theme!

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Ladies and gentlemen, I need a volunteer

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to strap into these thumbscrews.

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Yeah! And we could have a rollercoaster called the Mega Joust!

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Oh, and a medical centre for people who need treatment

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because they keep coming up with ludicrously over-the-top ideas!

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Look! Jimmy, I hate to say it, but it'll be easier

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if we sell this place and clear off the debts.

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I'm not selling my home, Dani, and neither are you. End of story.

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I'm out of here.

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Take your time.

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I'm going as fast as I can! This armour's cutting me in half!

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CLATTERING

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Meant that!

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Could someone give me a hand getting out of this, please?

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That guy. He was definitely here.

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You really think this place is haunted?

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I can feel it. A magician has a sense of these things.

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I mean, there are sightings going back hundreds of years.

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I've moved around a lot, mate.

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Can't say I've seen too much evidence that ghosts actually exist.

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There's a book around here on the history of the castle's hauntings.

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A-ha!

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So... Jimmy? Jimmy!

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Who's a pretty boy?

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CREEPY LAUGHTER

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SINISTER SQUEAKING

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Now, Jimmy, don't be a coward.

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There's no such thing as...

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Boo.

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HE SCREAMS

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I always wanted to say that.

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I thought we agreed to befriend the humans?

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Exploring a creepy secret passageway on his own?

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Come on. He was asking for it!

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I wish they'd just leave!

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She truly is so pretty.

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-Did I say that out loud?

-You've got a crush, haven't you?

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You've gone and got yourself a crush on a human.

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This is why you wanted to be friends!

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-Nothing's happened!

-I'm going to make sure it doesn't.

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You're a 250-year-old dead ghost. And she's, well...not!

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Never going to work, Gabe. It's just going to cause trouble.

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Enough of this being friends business. It's time to do it my way.

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It's time we got scary. Real scary!

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Hello. Hi! Yeah, yeah, it's Dani.

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I've managed to find the one spot of signal in the castle.

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Yeah, everything's fine! Yeah, OK, it hasn't quite gone as expected.

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It's just things are a little bit stressful

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and there's this guy who keeps dis... Hello?

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Hello? I give up!

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Right. Time to get to work.

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GHOSTLY WAIL

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Leaaaaave!

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Sister, wait!

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Leeeeeeave this place! Leeeeeeave!

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Sister, enough!

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Who are you and what are you doing in my room?

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We are spirits. Lost souls! Leave our hoooooome!

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You again! Right, I want some answers.

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Why do you keep disappearing?

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-Because he's a ghost, you foolish human!

-He's a ghost?

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Right, what are you supposed to be - a munchkin?

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Did Jimmy put you up to this? Right, that's it. I've had enough.

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How dare she not be scared of me!

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-Listen, you!

-Ever heard of knocking?

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What's with all the garlic?

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It keeps vampires away. Thought it might work with ghosts, too.

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You won't believe what I just saw.

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There are no ghosts. Just you playing stupid tricks.

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-Who were those people?

-What are you on about?

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The girl and the cute scary boy. They're friends of yours.

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-So you've seen them as well!

-I want answers.

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Are you scaring me off so you can have this place to yourself?

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-No. Never!

-My lady.

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-SHE SCREAMS

-Listen to me. I'm sorry.

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Don't listen to him and he's not sorry.

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You are ghosts!

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-Now she believes me!

-Boo.

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THEY SCREAM

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Face it, you've always been rubbish with girls.

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You were up all night?

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We weren't going to bed, not after what we saw.

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Are you sure you didn't just have a really vivid dream?

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What, we both had the exact same dream at the exact same time?

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May I take this opportunity to say to you all, "I told you so."

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Leo, you seem to be the resident ghost expert around here -

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how do we get rid of them?

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How can he be an expert on something that doesn't exist?

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Wait, why do you want to get rid of them?

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Because they're ghosts and they're creepy.

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-This is their home, too.

-You've changed your tune.

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-Last night you were all "aaaaahh!"

-No, I wasn't.

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HE SCREAMS

0:21:400:21:42

Wish I'd seen that.

0:21:420:21:44

That was before I knew they were family. Well, mostly before.

0:21:440:21:47

They're not our family. They're our distant, dead ancestors.

0:21:470:21:51

We'll never be able to sell this place

0:21:510:21:53

-if it's infested with dead people.

-But we're not going to sell.

0:21:530:21:56

We've got no choice. We're going to have to.

0:21:560:22:00

So, Leo, What did your Houdini guy know about getting rid of ghosts?

0:22:000:22:03

-Don't know, Dani. I'm with Jimmy on this one.

-Ha!

0:22:030:22:07

I'm not sure it's right to just get rid of them.

0:22:070:22:09

-Leo.

-Think of what they could teach us.

0:22:090:22:12

-This is a rare opportunity...

-Leo, if you don't help Dani

0:22:120:22:15

with her imaginary ghost problem,

0:22:150:22:18

I'll tell dad where you hid those banned stage pyrotechnics.

0:22:180:22:21

This book contains instructions for casting a banishing spell,

0:22:210:22:24

-but we'll need a few things.

-Whatever it takes.

-What?

0:22:240:22:28

No! I'm going to speak to this Gabe and Esme

0:22:280:22:31

and make you realise you've no right to sell their home.

0:22:310:22:34

All right, Jimmy. Let's go speak to the scary ghosts.

0:22:360:22:41

Swaggerlicious.

0:22:410:22:43

Right, you two. Let's bust these ghosts out of my castle.

0:22:450:22:48

You're going to need this.

0:22:480:22:50

And after that,

0:22:500:22:52

we can get rid of all the other imaginary things that live here!

0:22:520:22:56

SHE CACKLES

0:22:560:22:58

Clear off.

0:22:580:22:59

I really thought I could reach out to her.

0:23:020:23:05

Ghosts and humans just don't mix. We're like chalk and cheese.

0:23:050:23:10

Cats and dogs. Fireworks and...harpsichords.

0:23:100:23:14

Be glad they're gone.

0:23:140:23:16

Spectrus corporeal umbilicus

0:23:180:23:20

Severus Snapius JK Rowlingus.

0:23:200:23:24

THUNDER CRACKS

0:23:240:23:25

I can't believe this is actually working.

0:23:250:23:28

Yeah, whoo-hoo! Tell me when it's over.

0:23:280:23:31

Gabe? Esme? Are you in here? I'm here to help.

0:23:340:23:40

Dani's trying to banish you from the castle with some kind of spell.

0:23:400:23:44

She wants you out of the castle so she can sell it.

0:23:440:23:46

She wants to sell our home?

0:23:460:23:48

-You were only hiding behind a chair?

-Where did you think we'd gone?

0:23:480:23:51

I thought you were invisible. Anyway, if you talk to Dani,

0:23:510:23:54

show her she's nothing to be afraid of, she might change her mind.

0:23:540:23:58

And how do we know this isn't just a trick?

0:23:580:24:01

Because I'm on your side. We are family.

0:24:010:24:06

What's wrong, brother?

0:24:060:24:08

I...don't know.

0:24:080:24:11

Gabe! Esme! I'm coming!

0:24:110:24:14

Ghosts! It's the ghosts! They're really real!

0:24:170:24:20

-See, Kait?

-My lady, please! Don't do this to us!

0:24:200:24:24

Spectrus corporeal umbilicus...

0:24:270:24:29

-Dani! I don't think we should do this!

-Leave us alone!

0:24:290:24:32

-I want you out of our home!

-It's our home, too!

0:24:320:24:35

You lied to me, Gabe. I thought you were a person.

0:24:350:24:38

-I am a person.

-I mean a living person!

0:24:380:24:41

Spectrus corporeal umbilicus! Begone!

0:24:410:24:44

My lady, please! I thought you wanted us to be friends!

0:24:440:24:48

Spare us!

0:24:480:24:49

Once we're gone, we're gone for ever.

0:24:490:24:52

Gabe.

0:24:550:24:57

OK. I won't banish you.

0:25:050:25:08

Thank you, my lady.

0:25:100:25:12

Yeah, thank you for trying to wipe us out of existence.

0:25:140:25:17

Dani, stop! You have to stop! They're harmless!

0:25:170:25:20

Oh, you HAVE stopped.

0:25:200:25:23

You really scared me, but I guess I don't want you gone.

0:25:240:25:28

So we're all going to live together? Ghosts and humans?

0:25:280:25:31

-Under the same roof?

-I suppose.

0:25:310:25:34

Only if you promise not to sell our home.

0:25:340:25:36

Well, I can't promise that.

0:25:360:25:37

We've got debts that we need to clear.

0:25:370:25:39

Let's work out how to do that together.

0:25:390:25:41

-That's what families do, don't they?

-We're distant family.

0:25:410:25:44

Really, really distant family.

0:25:440:25:46

So distant it's as if we aren't related at all, so, you know...

0:25:460:25:52

OK, why don't we put our heads together and come up with a plan?

0:25:520:25:56

Swaggerlicious!

0:25:560:25:58

So, Kait, how are you feeling now that I, Leo the Magnificent,

0:25:580:26:01

have proven without question that ghosts are real?

0:26:010:26:05

Kait?

0:26:070:26:09

Kait, are you OK?!

0:26:090:26:13

Oops. Looks like somebody just had their entire reality blown apart.

0:26:150:26:19

I'm sure she'll get used to the idea.

0:26:190:26:21

So long as there's no more of you guys hanging around.

0:26:210:26:24

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