City Boy Dani's Castle

At last, I can have some proper food.

ELECTRICAL CRACKLING

Hi.

Get down!

BANG!

A microwave? A bit hi-tech for the castle.

It only just about copes with light bulbs.

Now how am I going to hot up my Bacon Bap Bonanza?

-Try frying it?

-Good thinking.

Something smells a little...barn-y.

Who's Barney? Oh. That'll be these.

I got a tour of your dad's farm. I loved it.

The animals were so cute.

I gave them all names, like Jimbo, Corky and Mr Squeaker.

Here in the country, we tend not to name the animals.

It only makes it harder when the time comes

for their one-way trip.

Nice. Where to?

Well, it's a very clean building...

with tiled floors.

Oh, I get you. A swimming pool.

No. The big pigpen in the sky, where the trough's always full.

Yeah. They do like their grub.

Right. And so do we.

Where do you think that bacon bap came from?

This? The service station.

Newsflash - it came from a pig.

I just heard the best gossip at the shops.

Apparently, there's this Lady Dunraven all the villagers

think is really stand-offish.

Never joins in with anything. Oh, people can be so snobby.

Lady Dunraven, la-di-dah.

-Probably lives in a big house.

-Or a castle, even.

Yeah, right.

Newsflash - you're Lady Dunraven.

A pig? But not like... Not like your dad's?

-That's what you meant?

-Yes. Finally.

That's it. I'm giving up meat.

From now I'm going to be a... What do you call it?

A vegetarian. As of now.

-Right.

-What?

Your idea of a vegetable is ketchup.

What do you mean, I'm Lady Dunraven?

It's the title of the lady of the castle.

They can't have been talking about me. I'm not stand-offish.

Well, you didn't go to the cheese rolling.

Or the well dressing.

Or the welly wanging.

Yeah, but I've been really busy.

OK, so maybe I'm just not into weird local customs.

But the next thing, I promise I will go to.

Well, it's the Bogmoor Ball tonight. That's perfect.

A ball? Tonight? There's a ball tonight?

I am there.

Great. Because the lady of the castle opens the dancing.

Did I say I was there?

OK, OK, I'm will go to the ball.

Only if it stops the woman in the shops from selling me mouldy bread.

You're coming to the ball?

Awesome. You can see me do my best trick.

I teleport Benji O'Leary across the stage using two cabinets.

No-one has ever figured out how I do it.

Newsflash - everyone knows.

What? How?

It doesn't take a genius to figure it out.

Benji O'Leary has an identical twin.

Leo puts Benji in one cabinet...

APPLAUSE

..and his brother in the other.

Two twins and two cabinets. It's so obvious.

My best trick, ruined.

It's not fair.

Well, my work here is done.

Pigs are really cute.

This pen's a bit over the top, isn't it?

Not for this one. He'd escape from anywhere.

-This one's trouble.

-Like me.

Hear that, Mr Squeaker? Don't worry, you'll have a long, happy life.

Happy, anyways.

What do you mean?

Let's just say he's coming to the ball tonight.

Eh? A dancing pig?

Not so much as for the dancing as for the eating.

What?

Suckling pig roast.

Well, if I'm going to be opening the dancing, then don't

I need someone to dance with?

Kait. Kait!

Mr McGonnigal dances?

Who's Mr McGonnigal?

Kait! And she's gone.

Then what about me?

Oh, um, hi, Gabe.

I'd be honoured to be your partner, my lady.

I've attended many balls.

Admittedly, not for a few hundred years.

Well, what's a couple of centuries between friends? You're on.

Magic is all about precision.

I have to stun them tonight. I need a major illusion.

That you can actually do magic?

Sorry, that's a major DELUSION.

Come on, I'm brilliant. Look, I've made this disappearing trick.

Ladies and gentlemen, I will now cause this plant to disappear.

Begonia, be gone!

Uh...

Magic is all about precision(!)

ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS

Sorry. I stepped through your toe again.

Did you? I didn't even notice.

You're an amazingly fast learner, Lady Dunraven.

I didn't think I'd be any good but, with you, it's easy.

And, please, call me Dani.

You do me much honour.

RECORD STOPS ABRUPTLY

Oh, yucketty-yuck, yuck.

What are you doing here?

Helping Leo find his magic cape.

But clearly you two want to make googly eyes at each other.

I'll leave you two lovebirds alone.

What? No, wait.

No, of course not.

I and Lady Dunraven and I... and I are simply rehearsing.

For what? Ghost-eo and Juliet?

The ball.

I've got to open the dancing

or I'll for ever be trending in the shop hashtag Miss Snooty.

Well, you can't dance with him.

What? He's the only one I can dance with.

The Bogmoor Ball happens in a marquee.

Outside the castle?

Think, Gabe.

Oh.

Oh? What, "Oh?"

Ghosts are trapped in the place they died.

I can never leave the castle. Nor can Esme.

Really? But we were doing so well.

I'm sorry. Forgive me.

For what? It was fun.

But that means I still need to find someone to dance with.

I'm never going to get used to that.

Or the fact they can't touch the living.

OK, where is he? We need him for tonight.

Now hand him over.

He probably escaped by himself. Mr Squeaker's always escaping.

And maybe he had good reason.

Like he didn't feel like being roasted and eaten.

A-ha! I didn't say which pig, did I?

You are so guilty.

Got any proof?

Trotter prints to the front door.

Listen to yourself.

You know, I did hear some funny noises coming from the east wing.

-Did you?

-Yeah, like snorting.

-What, like...?

-SNORT, SNORT!

I don't know. Do it again.

SNORT, SNORT!

A bit lower? SNORT, SNORT!

Are you winding me up?

No. Now, excuse me, I've got to get back to veggie tasting.

Mmm! That is good.

That, not so much.

You all right there, mate? SNORTING

I've got to get you somewhere safe. Come on.

Ladies and gentlemen, I need a volunteer.

Thank you, young lady. Now, please, may I have your autograph?

It's OK, I can do it from here.

Awesome. That is well cool. OK. Watch closely.

Ta-da. Now, what is under your seat?

A chocolate chip muffin?

A chocolate chip muffin. OK. Break it in half. What's inside?

Chocolate chips.

What? It was meant to be the piece of paper with your name on it.

I'll have to resort to my old stand-by -

taking my shirt off without removing my jacket.

It's OK. We've got three hours.

Ta-da! Major wedgie! Ow!

I know someone who can help us when the chips are down.

You can count on your own flesh and blood.

Sorry to mention flesh.

A pig? How can you lose a pig? >

Uh-oh. Pig police are here.

We'd better get out of here, Mr S.

Mr S?

Oh, no. Squeaker escape!

Look, just keep your eyes open. Jimmy said he heard snorting.

Snorting? What sort of snorting?

-PIG SNORTS

-Yeah, just like that.

Aargh!

Meant that.

-Jimmy?

-Phone call for you in the kitchen.

Kait, make sure she gets there. Thanks.

Down the corridor, on the right

Mr Squeaker!

Hello? Hello? Hello?

There's no-one there.

I can't even get reception on a landline.

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

No, there's no Lady Dunraven here. Oh, no, wait, that's me.

Oh, Mr McGonnigal.

Yeah. Kait said you might...

No, I haven't got a dance partner yet, so if you're free...

Brilliant. You want to come round and practise?

OK. Bye.

OK, so, Gabe can't do it

but I suppose it is better to have a dance partner who isn't, well, dead.

Do you want to end up in a bap?

Is that what you really want? Cos that's what'll happen.

We have to hide you somewhere fast.

Ta-da!

I need you to hide this somewhere.

You need me to hide a piece of string? OK.

Oh, not again. Squeaker escape!

My tricks!

This box isn't big enough.

This'll do.

Come back here. I'm on your side!

Humans are strange.

Gotcha. Stop doing that. >

And he is strange, even for a human.

-What's in there?

-SNORT!

Whoa! That's my dad's pig. Kait's been looking everywhere for him.

Ssh! You have to help me hide him.

No way. I'll get into well big trouble.

You'll get into trouble? He's going to die.

Death's not so bad once you get used to it.

Well, I don't want to be haunted by a pig.

Look at his face. What do you see?

Sausages?

Sorry. Now, if you don't mind, Jimmy,

I am sort of working on a trick here.

Can't you just make him disappear?

No.

Yes! That's it! He's perfect.

-He's just what I need.

-Need for what?

I mean, sure, I'll hide him for you. Cos I'm such a nice guy.

And so very unselfish(!)

Thanks, Leo. I knew I could count on you, pal.

What do you think you're doing?

The Great Vanishing Pig Trick. It will be my finest illusion yet.

What do you think your dad will do

when he sees you onstage with his missing pig?

He'll be totally cool about it.

Come on, Dad. It was only a pig.

-He'll kill me, won't he?

-Yep.

No worries. I'll find something else.

SQUEALING

BANGING ON DOOR

Well, so, the new Lady Dunraven.

I thought you'd be taller.

Mr McGonnigal?

Bit hard of hearing.

Oh. MR MCGONNIGAL?

Yes. That's me, missy. No need to shout. Shocking manners.

I hope you'll be able to keep up.

When I start dancing, I burn the house down.

Please, make yourself at home(!)

What will we do with your hair?

What will I do with MY hair? I haven't really thought about it.

-What?

-I said, I haven't really thought about it!

Well, I would if I were you.

And about cultivating a more ladylike tone of voice.

All ready.

MUSIC: "Cheek To Cheek" by Irving Berlin

And...

# Heaven

# I'm in heaven

# And my heart beats so that I can hardly speak

# And I seem to find the happiness I seek... #

Oh!

That's your new partner? I'm a much better dancer than him.

Well, at least he leave the house.

-What's he doing?

-You're not helping.

-What's that?

You're helping, very much.

I really must register my strong disapproval.

So what? That's all you can do.

Oh, really? I'll show you. The corkscrew twist!

-Ready?

-Not really.

Oh!

I said, not really. Whoa!

This is no time for lazing around.

You've a lot of work to do unless you want to make me look silly.

What's the matter?

You look like you've seen a ghost.

Ah, Lady Dunraven. How's the ballroom boogie going?

I'm just rustling up a veggie lunch.

# I am the spud-meister

# When do you reckon these'll be done, doll-face? #

By the looks of it, the 12th of never.

Eugh, this is so muddy.

-It must have fallen on the ground.

-That's where they're from.

Have you seriously never been this close to a vegetable before?

Do gherkins count?

Please help me, I'm so hungry!

Oh, that was such a bad mistake!

Vegetables, give up your secrets!

Peel them, chop them, boil them. It's called a soup.

Soup, eh?

I've heard of that.

Soup. Soup.

Perfect. Don't want to overdo it. Pass me that towel.

Why have you gone invisible?

I don't want to be seen with someone decorating a pig.

I'm disguising him. Who'll recognise him now?

Yes, no-one's seen a muddy pig before(!)

I'm not finished yet.

Wow, now he's transformed(!)

Ladies and gentlemen,

I will now make a live pig disappear before your very eyes.

Prepare to be amazed.

Squeakus Porkus Begonus!

Wow! It actually worked.

I hope you're not going to say that on the night.

I mean, I thank you.

And now to make him reappear.

Squeakus Porkus Returnum!

I'll try that again.

Returnum!

The back hatch is broken open.

-Impossible! No pig could have done that.

-This is no ordinary pig.

-BOTH: Squeaker escape!

-We've got to find him. Jimmy'll kill me.

Not if your sister kills you first. Or your dad!

Aargh!

SNORTING AND SNUFFLING

I can't stop staring at that thing on his head.

And when he gets back, he's teaching me the tango.

Truly, ballroom dancing with the wrong partner

can be a testing experience.

What if he does it again and I fall in front of everyone?

There is no way I can do this,

even if it makes me the most popular person in Bogmoor.

-Um...

-Just tell him I'm busy hoovering the dungeons or something.

-That is, perhaps, not the best idea.

-You've changed your tune.

I hate to see you dance with that man

but I do not think you want the villagers taking against you.

The last time they took against a Lady Dunraven, it did not end well.

What happened?

They burnt her as a witch.

OK, fine.

And maybe you should start the dance

before Mr McGonnigal starts on the puddings.

What? Why?

Oh, he doesn't overdo it on the sugar, does he?

Right, he came this way.

Leo, where's Mr Squeaker?

-He's...

-Squeaker escape?

-Yeah.

-We need to find him before Kaitlin does

-or he'll end up as crackling.

-And so will we.

OK, OK. What do we have that a pig doesn't?

Eyebrows!

Our brains. You search rooms, tombs and ballrooms

and I'll search halls, walls and ballrooms.

-Can you say that again?

-No!

Mr Squeaker, what are you doing?

Those pies are for the ball! How could you?

They do smell good though.

Moist, flaky pastry.

No. I swore I wouldn't.

At least one of us has principles.

Jimmy?

Kaitlin, hey. Nice pig-tail... Hair. Hair.

How's it going?

Rubbish. I still can't find that pig.

Oh, shame. Do you want some soup?

-I'll bring it to you in the dining room.

-No, thanks.

I heard some snorting coming from the attic.

Right, like you heard snorting in the east wing?

Exactly. SNORTING

HE SNORTS

Sorry, I'm getting a cold.

SNORTING

-What was that?

-Nothing. The attic?

No, it came from that box.

No. No, it didn't.

SQUEALING

-I knew it! You do have that pig.

-No, no, no, no, no, no!

Out of my way.

OK, so I lied. But when you see his eyes...

What eyes?

These eyes - potato eyes.

-Oh!

-Want one? No? OK.

Squeaker escape again! It's unbelievable.

Not bad, missy. Of course, you had a great teacher.

Yeah, he was fabulous.

Dani, can I talk to you for a second?

All right. I'm off to the barbers.

You're kidding, right?

I advise you to spend the time left practising.

You've only one chance to make a first impression.

Right. I will. For sure.

OK. Make it quick.

You know that pig?

What, the one Kait's been on about? The one who went missing?

Yeah, that was me. They were going to eat him.

Right. He is a pig.

Yeah, but when you see his little eyes and floppy ears...

Kait's right. You wouldn't last five minutes living off the land.

I made soup with my bare hands.

-You need to give piggy back.

-I can't. He's escaped.

I need to find him before Kaitlin does.

What do you want me to do?

Kait's on to me so I need you to distract her.

I need to get ready. The whole village is expecting me.

Please, Dani. I'm your cousin. We are family, aren't we?

You heard Mr McGonnigal. If I mess up, he'll never forget.

Dani, I need you.

Mr Squeaker needs you.

Blood is thicker than water.

What does that actually mean?

-I have no idea but can you please help me?

-OK.

I know I'm going to regret this.

SNORTING AND SNUFFLING

Kait, have you got a sec? I really need your advice.

-I'm sort of busy.

-Oh, it won't take a minute.

Well? What?

Oh.

What do you think I should wear tonight?

This? Or this?

Well, I think we can rule out the Slanket.

And the wetsuit.

Actually, it's tradition that Lady Dunraven

wear the Bogmoor ball gown.

Oh, well, what's that like?

I look like a giant wedding cake.

Don't even think about it.

Dani, I really need to go and find that pig.

No, no, Kait, wait! No, wait, wait, wait!

I may never get out of here, you know!

Come back! Hey, come here!

Ready? Ready? Ready?

BOTH: Come back, Mr Squeaker, we've got food!

SQUEALING

A-ha!

-Stop that pig!

-Stop that pig!

Mr Squeaker!

< Jimmy, he's over there.

< I got him! I got him! I don't got him.

< Uh-oh, Kaitlin's coming.

< Quick, get out there and stall her!

-Kaitlin. Hi. Pick a card, any card.

-Out of my way.

< Oh, no, the pudding table!

SNORTING

Aaah!

Nice catch, Dani. I knew I could count on you.

Urgh!

Only one chance to make a first impression.

And what an impression you've made.

We won't forget this in a hurry. The ball is ruined.

No, it's not. It just needs a tidy.

A tidy? The place is trashed.

We need a whole new venue.

I know. We can have it at mine.

I do own a castle.

Boy, I love saying that.

Right, everyone, grab something and follow me.

Don't worry about me. I'll be two minutes.

Mmm. This is good.

A-ha!

Cheat. I knew you couldn't go veggie.

But they smell so good. Even Mr Squeaker tried to eat one.

Double a-ha! OK, where is he?

SNORTING

It's all so confusing.

I love animals but I also love the way they taste.

Life was so much easier in the city when chicken came in a bucket

and didn't have a name.

I did warn you.

My dad loves his animals too so he takes care of them.

If it wasn't for him, they wouldn't be here.

-Yeah, I guess you're right.

-At least that pie's made with pride.

Which is more than you can say for this microwaveable rubbish.

Yeah. Fair enough.

But can't I keep him as a pet?

Don't go all sentimental on me now.

But look at his little eyes and his little black snout.

Don't try and pull that one on me.

Come on, he is practically family. And after all we've been through...

SNORTING

He is really cute.

-Right, I'll speak to my dad.

-Yes!

But your going to have to pay for him and, like,

-clean out the barn for a month.

-Oh, yeah. No worries.

Hear that, Squeaks? You're safe.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You were great in there.

That wedgie trick really brought the house down.

And my pants up. A little bit too far.

Still, they loved you.

All they need now is Dani to start the dancing.

I hope she got most of the muck off that frumpy old dress.

Wow.

You look amazing.

Just a little something I found in the back of the wardrobe.

This is our dance, Lady Dunraven.

Let's get this over and done with.

I'm terribly sorry, my good man, but I believe this lady is taken.

CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS

Fair enough. I bid you good night.

-Shall we, Lady Dun...?

-Ahem.

I mean, Dani?

-MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY

-Yucksville.

You said it.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd