City Boy Dani's Castle


City Boy

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At last, I can have some proper food.

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ELECTRICAL CRACKLING

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Hi.

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Get down!

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BANG!

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A microwave? A bit hi-tech for the castle.

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It only just about copes with light bulbs.

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Now how am I going to hot up my Bacon Bap Bonanza?

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-Try frying it?

-Good thinking.

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Something smells a little...barn-y.

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Who's Barney? Oh. That'll be these.

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I got a tour of your dad's farm. I loved it.

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The animals were so cute.

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I gave them all names, like Jimbo, Corky and Mr Squeaker.

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Here in the country, we tend not to name the animals.

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It only makes it harder when the time comes

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for their one-way trip.

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Nice. Where to?

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Well, it's a very clean building...

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with tiled floors.

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Oh, I get you. A swimming pool.

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No. The big pigpen in the sky, where the trough's always full.

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Yeah. They do like their grub.

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Right. And so do we.

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Where do you think that bacon bap came from?

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This? The service station.

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Newsflash - it came from a pig.

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I just heard the best gossip at the shops.

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Apparently, there's this Lady Dunraven all the villagers

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think is really stand-offish.

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Never joins in with anything. Oh, people can be so snobby.

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Lady Dunraven, la-di-dah.

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-Probably lives in a big house.

-Or a castle, even.

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Yeah, right.

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Newsflash - you're Lady Dunraven.

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A pig? But not like... Not like your dad's?

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-That's what you meant?

-Yes. Finally.

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That's it. I'm giving up meat.

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From now I'm going to be a... What do you call it?

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A vegetarian. As of now.

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-Right.

-What?

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Your idea of a vegetable is ketchup.

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What do you mean, I'm Lady Dunraven?

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It's the title of the lady of the castle.

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They can't have been talking about me. I'm not stand-offish.

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Well, you didn't go to the cheese rolling.

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Or the well dressing.

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Or the welly wanging.

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Yeah, but I've been really busy.

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OK, so maybe I'm just not into weird local customs.

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But the next thing, I promise I will go to.

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Well, it's the Bogmoor Ball tonight. That's perfect.

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A ball? Tonight? There's a ball tonight?

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I am there.

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Great. Because the lady of the castle opens the dancing.

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Did I say I was there?

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OK, OK, I'm will go to the ball.

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Only if it stops the woman in the shops from selling me mouldy bread.

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You're coming to the ball?

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Awesome. You can see me do my best trick.

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I teleport Benji O'Leary across the stage using two cabinets.

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No-one has ever figured out how I do it.

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Newsflash - everyone knows.

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What? How?

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It doesn't take a genius to figure it out.

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Benji O'Leary has an identical twin.

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Leo puts Benji in one cabinet...

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APPLAUSE

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..and his brother in the other.

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Two twins and two cabinets. It's so obvious.

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My best trick, ruined.

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It's not fair.

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Well, my work here is done.

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Pigs are really cute.

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This pen's a bit over the top, isn't it?

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Not for this one. He'd escape from anywhere.

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-This one's trouble.

-Like me.

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Hear that, Mr Squeaker? Don't worry, you'll have a long, happy life.

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Happy, anyways.

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What do you mean?

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Let's just say he's coming to the ball tonight.

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Eh? A dancing pig?

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Not so much as for the dancing as for the eating.

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What?

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Suckling pig roast.

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Well, if I'm going to be opening the dancing, then don't

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I need someone to dance with?

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Kait. Kait!

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Mr McGonnigal dances?

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Who's Mr McGonnigal?

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Kait! And she's gone.

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Then what about me?

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Oh, um, hi, Gabe.

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I'd be honoured to be your partner, my lady.

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I've attended many balls.

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Admittedly, not for a few hundred years.

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Well, what's a couple of centuries between friends? You're on.

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Magic is all about precision.

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I have to stun them tonight. I need a major illusion.

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That you can actually do magic?

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Sorry, that's a major DELUSION.

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Come on, I'm brilliant. Look, I've made this disappearing trick.

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Ladies and gentlemen, I will now cause this plant to disappear.

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Begonia, be gone!

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Uh...

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Magic is all about precision(!)

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ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS

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Sorry. I stepped through your toe again.

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Did you? I didn't even notice.

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You're an amazingly fast learner, Lady Dunraven.

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I didn't think I'd be any good but, with you, it's easy.

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And, please, call me Dani.

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You do me much honour.

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RECORD STOPS ABRUPTLY

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Oh, yucketty-yuck, yuck.

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What are you doing here?

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Helping Leo find his magic cape.

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But clearly you two want to make googly eyes at each other.

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I'll leave you two lovebirds alone.

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What? No, wait.

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No, of course not.

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I and Lady Dunraven and I... and I are simply rehearsing.

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For what? Ghost-eo and Juliet?

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The ball.

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I've got to open the dancing

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or I'll for ever be trending in the shop hashtag Miss Snooty.

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Well, you can't dance with him.

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What? He's the only one I can dance with.

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The Bogmoor Ball happens in a marquee.

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Outside the castle?

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Think, Gabe.

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Oh.

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Oh? What, "Oh?"

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Ghosts are trapped in the place they died.

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I can never leave the castle. Nor can Esme.

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Really? But we were doing so well.

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I'm sorry. Forgive me.

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For what? It was fun.

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But that means I still need to find someone to dance with.

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I'm never going to get used to that.

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Or the fact they can't touch the living.

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OK, where is he? We need him for tonight.

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Now hand him over.

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He probably escaped by himself. Mr Squeaker's always escaping.

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And maybe he had good reason.

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Like he didn't feel like being roasted and eaten.

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A-ha! I didn't say which pig, did I?

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You are so guilty.

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Got any proof?

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Trotter prints to the front door.

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Listen to yourself.

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You know, I did hear some funny noises coming from the east wing.

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-Did you?

-Yeah, like snorting.

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-What, like...?

-SNORT, SNORT!

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I don't know. Do it again.

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SNORT, SNORT!

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A bit lower? SNORT, SNORT!

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Are you winding me up?

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No. Now, excuse me, I've got to get back to veggie tasting.

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Mmm! That is good.

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That, not so much.

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You all right there, mate? SNORTING

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I've got to get you somewhere safe. Come on.

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Ladies and gentlemen, I need a volunteer.

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Thank you, young lady. Now, please, may I have your autograph?

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It's OK, I can do it from here.

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Awesome. That is well cool. OK. Watch closely.

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Ta-da. Now, what is under your seat?

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A chocolate chip muffin?

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A chocolate chip muffin. OK. Break it in half. What's inside?

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Chocolate chips.

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What? It was meant to be the piece of paper with your name on it.

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I'll have to resort to my old stand-by -

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taking my shirt off without removing my jacket.

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It's OK. We've got three hours.

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Ta-da! Major wedgie! Ow!

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I know someone who can help us when the chips are down.

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You can count on your own flesh and blood.

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Sorry to mention flesh.

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A pig? How can you lose a pig? >

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Uh-oh. Pig police are here.

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We'd better get out of here, Mr S.

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Mr S?

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Oh, no. Squeaker escape!

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Look, just keep your eyes open. Jimmy said he heard snorting.

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Snorting? What sort of snorting?

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-PIG SNORTS

-Yeah, just like that.

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Aargh!

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Meant that.

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-Jimmy?

-Phone call for you in the kitchen.

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Kait, make sure she gets there. Thanks.

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Down the corridor, on the right

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Mr Squeaker!

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Hello? Hello? Hello?

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There's no-one there.

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I can't even get reception on a landline.

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PHONE RINGS

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Hello?

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No, there's no Lady Dunraven here. Oh, no, wait, that's me.

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Oh, Mr McGonnigal.

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Yeah. Kait said you might...

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No, I haven't got a dance partner yet, so if you're free...

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Brilliant. You want to come round and practise?

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OK. Bye.

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OK, so, Gabe can't do it

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but I suppose it is better to have a dance partner who isn't, well, dead.

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Do you want to end up in a bap?

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Is that what you really want? Cos that's what'll happen.

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We have to hide you somewhere fast.

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Ta-da!

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I need you to hide this somewhere.

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You need me to hide a piece of string? OK.

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Oh, not again. Squeaker escape!

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My tricks!

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This box isn't big enough.

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This'll do.

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Come back here. I'm on your side!

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Humans are strange.

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Gotcha. Stop doing that. >

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And he is strange, even for a human.

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-What's in there?

-SNORT!

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Whoa! That's my dad's pig. Kait's been looking everywhere for him.

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Ssh! You have to help me hide him.

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No way. I'll get into well big trouble.

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You'll get into trouble? He's going to die.

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Death's not so bad once you get used to it.

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Well, I don't want to be haunted by a pig.

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Look at his face. What do you see?

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Sausages?

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Sorry. Now, if you don't mind, Jimmy,

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I am sort of working on a trick here.

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Can't you just make him disappear?

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No.

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Yes! That's it! He's perfect.

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-He's just what I need.

-Need for what?

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I mean, sure, I'll hide him for you. Cos I'm such a nice guy.

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And so very unselfish(!)

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Thanks, Leo. I knew I could count on you, pal.

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What do you think you're doing?

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The Great Vanishing Pig Trick. It will be my finest illusion yet.

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What do you think your dad will do

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when he sees you onstage with his missing pig?

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He'll be totally cool about it.

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Come on, Dad. It was only a pig.

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-He'll kill me, won't he?

-Yep.

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No worries. I'll find something else.

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SQUEALING

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BANGING ON DOOR

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Well, so, the new Lady Dunraven.

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I thought you'd be taller.

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Mr McGonnigal?

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Bit hard of hearing.

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Oh. MR MCGONNIGAL?

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Yes. That's me, missy. No need to shout. Shocking manners.

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I hope you'll be able to keep up.

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When I start dancing, I burn the house down.

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Please, make yourself at home(!)

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What will we do with your hair?

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What will I do with MY hair? I haven't really thought about it.

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-What?

-I said, I haven't really thought about it!

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Well, I would if I were you.

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And about cultivating a more ladylike tone of voice.

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All ready.

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MUSIC: "Cheek To Cheek" by Irving Berlin

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And...

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# Heaven

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# I'm in heaven

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# And my heart beats so that I can hardly speak

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# And I seem to find the happiness I seek... #

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Oh!

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That's your new partner? I'm a much better dancer than him.

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Well, at least he leave the house.

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-What's he doing?

-You're not helping.

-What's that?

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You're helping, very much.

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I really must register my strong disapproval.

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So what? That's all you can do.

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Oh, really? I'll show you. The corkscrew twist!

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-Ready?

-Not really.

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Oh!

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I said, not really. Whoa!

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This is no time for lazing around.

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You've a lot of work to do unless you want to make me look silly.

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What's the matter?

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You look like you've seen a ghost.

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Ah, Lady Dunraven. How's the ballroom boogie going?

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I'm just rustling up a veggie lunch.

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# I am the spud-meister

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# When do you reckon these'll be done, doll-face? #

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By the looks of it, the 12th of never.

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Eugh, this is so muddy.

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-It must have fallen on the ground.

-That's where they're from.

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Have you seriously never been this close to a vegetable before?

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Do gherkins count?

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Please help me, I'm so hungry!

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Oh, that was such a bad mistake!

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Vegetables, give up your secrets!

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Peel them, chop them, boil them. It's called a soup.

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Soup, eh?

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I've heard of that.

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Soup. Soup.

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Perfect. Don't want to overdo it. Pass me that towel.

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Why have you gone invisible?

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I don't want to be seen with someone decorating a pig.

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I'm disguising him. Who'll recognise him now?

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Yes, no-one's seen a muddy pig before(!)

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I'm not finished yet.

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Wow, now he's transformed(!)

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Ladies and gentlemen,

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I will now make a live pig disappear before your very eyes.

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Prepare to be amazed.

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Squeakus Porkus Begonus!

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Wow! It actually worked.

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I hope you're not going to say that on the night.

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I mean, I thank you.

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And now to make him reappear.

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Squeakus Porkus Returnum!

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I'll try that again.

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Returnum!

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The back hatch is broken open.

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-Impossible! No pig could have done that.

-This is no ordinary pig.

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-BOTH: Squeaker escape!

-We've got to find him. Jimmy'll kill me.

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Not if your sister kills you first. Or your dad!

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Aargh!

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SNORTING AND SNUFFLING

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I can't stop staring at that thing on his head.

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And when he gets back, he's teaching me the tango.

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Truly, ballroom dancing with the wrong partner

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can be a testing experience.

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What if he does it again and I fall in front of everyone?

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There is no way I can do this,

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even if it makes me the most popular person in Bogmoor.

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-Um...

-Just tell him I'm busy hoovering the dungeons or something.

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-That is, perhaps, not the best idea.

-You've changed your tune.

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I hate to see you dance with that man

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but I do not think you want the villagers taking against you.

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The last time they took against a Lady Dunraven, it did not end well.

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What happened?

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They burnt her as a witch.

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OK, fine.

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And maybe you should start the dance

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before Mr McGonnigal starts on the puddings.

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What? Why?

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Oh, he doesn't overdo it on the sugar, does he?

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Right, he came this way.

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Leo, where's Mr Squeaker?

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-He's...

-Squeaker escape?

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-Yeah.

-We need to find him before Kaitlin does

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-or he'll end up as crackling.

-And so will we.

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OK, OK. What do we have that a pig doesn't?

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Eyebrows!

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Our brains. You search rooms, tombs and ballrooms

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and I'll search halls, walls and ballrooms.

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-Can you say that again?

-No!

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Mr Squeaker, what are you doing?

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Those pies are for the ball! How could you?

0:18:370:18:41

They do smell good though.

0:18:410:18:43

Moist, flaky pastry.

0:18:430:18:46

No. I swore I wouldn't.

0:18:460:18:48

At least one of us has principles.

0:18:480:18:51

Jimmy?

0:18:510:18:52

Kaitlin, hey. Nice pig-tail... Hair. Hair.

0:18:540:18:59

How's it going?

0:18:590:19:00

Rubbish. I still can't find that pig.

0:19:000:19:02

Oh, shame. Do you want some soup?

0:19:020:19:04

-I'll bring it to you in the dining room.

-No, thanks.

0:19:040:19:07

I heard some snorting coming from the attic.

0:19:070:19:09

Right, like you heard snorting in the east wing?

0:19:090:19:12

Exactly. SNORTING

0:19:120:19:14

HE SNORTS

0:19:140:19:16

Sorry, I'm getting a cold.

0:19:160:19:17

SNORTING

0:19:170:19:19

-What was that?

-Nothing. The attic?

0:19:190:19:21

No, it came from that box.

0:19:210:19:24

No. No, it didn't.

0:19:240:19:25

SQUEALING

0:19:250:19:27

-I knew it! You do have that pig.

-No, no, no, no, no, no!

0:19:270:19:30

Out of my way.

0:19:300:19:33

OK, so I lied. But when you see his eyes...

0:19:330:19:36

What eyes?

0:19:370:19:38

These eyes - potato eyes.

0:19:420:19:45

-Oh!

-Want one? No? OK.

0:19:450:19:48

Squeaker escape again! It's unbelievable.

0:19:550:19:57

Not bad, missy. Of course, you had a great teacher.

0:20:170:20:20

Yeah, he was fabulous.

0:20:200:20:22

Dani, can I talk to you for a second?

0:20:230:20:25

All right. I'm off to the barbers.

0:20:250:20:27

You're kidding, right?

0:20:270:20:29

I advise you to spend the time left practising.

0:20:300:20:35

You've only one chance to make a first impression.

0:20:350:20:37

Right. I will. For sure.

0:20:370:20:39

OK. Make it quick.

0:20:400:20:42

You know that pig?

0:20:430:20:45

What, the one Kait's been on about? The one who went missing?

0:20:450:20:47

Yeah, that was me. They were going to eat him.

0:20:470:20:50

Right. He is a pig.

0:20:500:20:51

Yeah, but when you see his little eyes and floppy ears...

0:20:510:20:54

Kait's right. You wouldn't last five minutes living off the land.

0:20:540:20:58

I made soup with my bare hands.

0:20:580:20:59

-You need to give piggy back.

-I can't. He's escaped.

0:20:590:21:02

I need to find him before Kaitlin does.

0:21:020:21:05

What do you want me to do?

0:21:050:21:07

Kait's on to me so I need you to distract her.

0:21:070:21:10

I need to get ready. The whole village is expecting me.

0:21:100:21:12

Please, Dani. I'm your cousin. We are family, aren't we?

0:21:120:21:15

You heard Mr McGonnigal. If I mess up, he'll never forget.

0:21:150:21:18

Dani, I need you.

0:21:180:21:20

Mr Squeaker needs you.

0:21:200:21:21

Blood is thicker than water.

0:21:210:21:23

What does that actually mean?

0:21:230:21:25

-I have no idea but can you please help me?

-OK.

0:21:250:21:28

I know I'm going to regret this.

0:21:280:21:30

SNORTING AND SNUFFLING

0:21:310:21:34

Kait, have you got a sec? I really need your advice.

0:21:460:21:48

-I'm sort of busy.

-Oh, it won't take a minute.

0:21:480:21:51

Well? What?

0:21:530:21:55

Oh.

0:21:550:21:58

What do you think I should wear tonight?

0:21:580:22:00

This? Or this?

0:22:010:22:03

Well, I think we can rule out the Slanket.

0:22:030:22:07

And the wetsuit.

0:22:070:22:08

Actually, it's tradition that Lady Dunraven

0:22:090:22:12

wear the Bogmoor ball gown.

0:22:120:22:13

Oh, well, what's that like?

0:22:130:22:15

I look like a giant wedding cake.

0:22:150:22:17

Don't even think about it.

0:22:180:22:21

Dani, I really need to go and find that pig.

0:22:210:22:24

No, no, Kait, wait! No, wait, wait, wait!

0:22:250:22:27

I may never get out of here, you know!

0:22:320:22:34

Come back! Hey, come here!

0:22:380:22:41

Ready? Ready? Ready?

0:22:410:22:43

BOTH: Come back, Mr Squeaker, we've got food!

0:22:470:22:50

SQUEALING

0:22:510:22:53

A-ha!

0:22:530:22:54

-Stop that pig!

-Stop that pig!

0:23:140:23:16

Mr Squeaker!

0:23:160:23:18

< Jimmy, he's over there.

0:23:180:23:19

< I got him! I got him! I don't got him.

0:23:190:23:21

< Uh-oh, Kaitlin's coming.

0:23:210:23:23

< Quick, get out there and stall her!

0:23:230:23:25

-Kaitlin. Hi. Pick a card, any card.

-Out of my way.

0:23:250:23:28

< Oh, no, the pudding table!

0:23:280:23:30

SNORTING

0:23:380:23:40

Aaah!

0:23:400:23:42

Nice catch, Dani. I knew I could count on you.

0:23:430:23:46

Urgh!

0:23:470:23:49

Only one chance to make a first impression.

0:23:510:23:53

And what an impression you've made.

0:23:530:23:56

We won't forget this in a hurry. The ball is ruined.

0:23:560:23:58

No, it's not. It just needs a tidy.

0:23:580:24:01

A tidy? The place is trashed.

0:24:010:24:03

We need a whole new venue.

0:24:030:24:05

I know. We can have it at mine.

0:24:060:24:09

I do own a castle.

0:24:090:24:10

Boy, I love saying that.

0:24:100:24:12

Right, everyone, grab something and follow me.

0:24:120:24:15

Don't worry about me. I'll be two minutes.

0:24:200:24:23

Mmm. This is good.

0:24:310:24:33

A-ha!

0:24:340:24:36

Cheat. I knew you couldn't go veggie.

0:24:360:24:39

But they smell so good. Even Mr Squeaker tried to eat one.

0:24:390:24:42

Double a-ha! OK, where is he?

0:24:430:24:46

SNORTING

0:24:490:24:52

It's all so confusing.

0:24:520:24:54

I love animals but I also love the way they taste.

0:24:540:24:57

Life was so much easier in the city when chicken came in a bucket

0:24:570:25:00

and didn't have a name.

0:25:000:25:01

I did warn you.

0:25:010:25:03

My dad loves his animals too so he takes care of them.

0:25:030:25:07

If it wasn't for him, they wouldn't be here.

0:25:070:25:09

-Yeah, I guess you're right.

-At least that pie's made with pride.

0:25:090:25:13

Which is more than you can say for this microwaveable rubbish.

0:25:130:25:16

Yeah. Fair enough.

0:25:160:25:17

But can't I keep him as a pet?

0:25:190:25:22

Don't go all sentimental on me now.

0:25:220:25:24

But look at his little eyes and his little black snout.

0:25:240:25:27

Don't try and pull that one on me.

0:25:270:25:29

Come on, he is practically family. And after all we've been through...

0:25:290:25:32

SNORTING

0:25:320:25:35

He is really cute.

0:25:350:25:37

-Right, I'll speak to my dad.

-Yes!

0:25:370:25:40

But your going to have to pay for him and, like,

0:25:400:25:43

-clean out the barn for a month.

-Oh, yeah. No worries.

0:25:430:25:46

Hear that, Squeaks? You're safe.

0:25:460:25:48

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:25:520:25:54

You were great in there.

0:25:540:25:56

That wedgie trick really brought the house down.

0:25:560:25:58

And my pants up. A little bit too far.

0:25:580:26:01

Still, they loved you.

0:26:010:26:03

All they need now is Dani to start the dancing.

0:26:030:26:06

I hope she got most of the muck off that frumpy old dress.

0:26:060:26:09

Wow.

0:26:090:26:11

You look amazing.

0:26:110:26:13

Just a little something I found in the back of the wardrobe.

0:26:130:26:15

This is our dance, Lady Dunraven.

0:26:150:26:18

Let's get this over and done with.

0:26:180:26:20

I'm terribly sorry, my good man, but I believe this lady is taken.

0:26:200:26:24

CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS

0:26:240:26:27

Fair enough. I bid you good night.

0:26:290:26:32

-Shall we, Lady Dun...?

-Ahem.

0:26:360:26:39

I mean, Dani?

0:26:390:26:40

-MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY

-Yucksville.

0:26:480:26:50

You said it.

0:26:500:26:51

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0:27:050:27:08

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