Rich Dani's Castle

OK. His name was Tommy.

We were both 14, and we were playing football. Your turn.

A gentleman could never divulge such sensitive information.

That's not fair! I told you my first kiss. Now spill the beans.

I was 14 years old, we were wrestling on the chaise longue

in the library, and his name was Samson.

HIS name was Samson?

My father's dog. Gosh, did he ever slobber!

Well, that doesn't count!

You never said it had to be a person.

You seem very happy.

I love this place. I love the air, the light, the people...

I love...

-QUACKING

-Sorry.

I've been meaning to get that changed for ages now.

Hello? Hello?!

Come on, signal!

Hello? Yeah, this is Dani.

Yeah, well, I'm sort of semi-retired, so...

Yeah, life is good! Perfect even, so I don't...

Oh!

Um... Yeah, of course.

Totally. OK! Erm...bye!

Everything OK?

I've got an audition for a big Hollywood movie!

Wonderful! I'm so pleased for you!

It's a passionate romance set in the 18th century.

-Do you mind if I go and get ready for it?

-Of course! You must.

Thanks, Gabe.

Better go to the library and start my research into 18th-century life.

We'll talk soon, I promise.

I'm from the 18th century. I could help.

BOTH: Yes!

What are you doing?

-Seeing how far I can jump my car.

-Should you be doing that indoors?

We have to do it indoors. I'm a ghost.

-I can't go outside, remember? My turn!

-Hey!

Not so much rev. You'll burn it out.

You can never have too much rev.

Will you two keep it down?

I can hear your racket from the kitchen.

-Why do you care?

-Because you're going to wake the...

..poltergeist.

DISTANT RUMBLING

I think we got away with it.

See, sis? No problemo.

GROWLING

Great! Now Mr Crash And Smash is up and about.

Next time play outside.

I can't.

Fine. Leo can play outside, and you can watch him through the window.

-But you practise your archery in here.

-No, I don't.

Yes! Perfect shot!

-Check out the bookworm.

-Oh! I've got an audition.

Need to brush up on life in the 18th century.

Any reason you can't ask the two 18th century ghosts we have living here?

-Jimmy, you are a genius!

-Why, thank you.

-Hey, do you know someone called Rich?

-No, why?

We just had an email from him. He says he wants to speak to us

about an exciting business opportunity.

-What kind of opportunity?

-Didn't say.

Do you reckon he wants to pay us to use the castle?

Maybe he wants to turn this place into a monkey sanctuary!

-I've got a good feeling about this.

-Just don't get your hopes up, yeah?

Poltergeist is back.

But we've got a special guest coming this week!

Maybe he could help us pay off Aunt Marjorie's debts.

-You two can sort out the poltergeist.

-She got an audition.

# I got an audition! I got an audition!

-# I got an audition! #

-Dani, calm down.

Last time you got this excited over an audition

we practically had to peel you off the ceiling.

-Come on, Dani. You can't stay up there all day.

-I can!

I've got the broom.

OK, let's try it again.

My apologies, kind sir.

I had not realised you were merely asking me for a dance.

A dance, my lady?

Or were it so that a...

Am I doing it wrong?

Did everyone back in your day talk like they were reading?

Not that I remember.

It's just when I asked you to improvise a scene with me,

I was hoping for a teeny bit more authentic 18th-century flavour.

Sorry, Dani.

I may be a genuine 18th-century fellow,

but I am definitely not an actor.

Well, just try speaking from the heart.

Feel the love that you... I mean, your character -

feels for me. I mean, my character.

So, I must pretend to love you?

Yeah. Or you could just...

Excuse me, coming through.

What are you looking for, sister?

A lantern. Me and the others are hunting the poltergeist.

-Don't you think you have caused enough chaos for one day?

-Hmm...nope.

Actually, Esme, I was kind of hoping I could ask your advice.

I'm going to be playing an 18th-century girl in a movie,

and seeing as you're the only 18th-century girl I know...

Sorry. No time. I'm doing something fun with the others.

Hello, shiny boy!

Well, I guess I could just kiss my part goodbye then.

Laters!

Esme!

You can stay here and help Dani.

Don't start getting all bossy big brother on me.

Help Dani, or I will tell everybody

about the teddy bear's tea party.

More cake, Mr Fuzzy?

Or how about I reveal the contents of your personal journal?

Specifically, the entry where you talk about

how much you like having the humans around?

-You've read my journal?!

-Nope. But I know what's in there now.

Since when did you start playing dirty?

I learned it from you.

Dani, I'd love to help!

Thanks, Esme.

OK, so if we're going to hunt this poltergeist before Rich comes here,

we're going to have to search the castle inch by inch.

One question, Jimmy. Why are you dressed like an idiot?

This is my battle armour.

You must think I'm crazy

if I'm going to go up against that thing with no protection!

If wanting to be safe makes Jimmy an idiot,

then I guess we're both idiots.

Biting my tongue...

These stickers indicate all the places where there's been encounters

with the poltergeist over the last few centuries.

We know noise seems to stir it up.

So we're going to check these areas, make a racket,

-and somehow lead the poltergeist outside?

-Right.

-What could possibly go wrong?

-You're not scared, are you?

Of course I'm scared. We're going off to provoke a poltergeist.

Anything else I'd be fine with. Snakes, tigers, gorillas.

Just not poltergeists.

How about a slug?

For the last time, that thing was absolutely huge.

I'm telling you, it was a monster.

-SCREAMS

-Slug!

-So who's ready?

-I'm ready!

-BOTH: Yeahhhh!

This is how the girls in the 18th century would greet each another.

Doody-how-how, moo mah maow!

-Are you sure?

-Yeah. Try it.

Um... Doody-how-how, moo mah mow?

Now you're getting it. To say farewell, you say...

Fardy-bye-bye, boo-bay-bah.

Esme, I'm really not sure any of this is accurate.

I do not recall anybody ever saying that to me.

That's because you've never had a girlfriend.

What you know about girls

could be written on the back of an emery board.

A what?

I rest my case. Now clear off!

Well, I must say, I do think...

Let's talk about the three horseshoes.

The three horseshoes?

Hello?!

The three horseshoes? You shove them down the back of your corset.

Every 18th-century girl knows about the three horseshoes!

Well, go on. Shove them in.

Hello? Ghosty? Hello?

Here ghosty-ghosty-ghosty...

Aaaagh!

-CLEARS THROAT

-Yeah, clear here.

-Scared of your own shadow!

-I am not!

Mr Poltergeist... Come and get me...

BOTH YELL

Euuurgh! Erm...yeah, there's no ghosts here.

Yep. This corridor is completely poltergeist free.

Good, good. Let's keep moving.

-Mr Poltergeist, come out now.

-Here, ghosty... Hello, Mr Poltergeist?

Teenagers!

OK. So I use this one first,

unless it's a Tuesday, in which case I use this one first,

and this one third. And I use this for dessert

but only if there's a J in the month.

No! You use THIS one if there's a J in the month, and you use that one

if the guy sitting opposite you has a moustache.

I'm sure you've changed the rules every single time.

Why would I? I just want to help.

Your career is very important to me.

I give up. The 18th century was bonkers.

I'm just going to go change.

How did it go, my lady? Do you feel confident for the audition?

I'm more confused than ever. I'm never going to get the part.

Hmm! Well, that was fun. Now I'm off to join the others.

Were you trying to confuse her on purpose?

You're the one who blackmailed me into helping her,

and ruined the fun stuff I had planned.

She might not get the part thanks to you.

Why are you so desperate for her to get the part?

Because it is Dani's dream!

If she lands the role in a big movie, she'll be off to Hollywood,

-and not look back.

-Surely she'll come home eventually?

If she goes to Hollywood, do you really think

she'll be thinking about some ghost boy

when she's standing next to Johnny Depp?

OK, um...R-Patz?

Zac Efron?

He's like a 21st-century version of Baron Sebastien de Valmont.

Not Baron Sebastien de Valmont!

Oh, yeah, now you're worried.

I don't understand. We're not exactly being silent.

Why hasn't it appeared?

Perhaps we need to make even more noise.

How about this?

Ghosty!

Mr Poltergeist! Are you receiving me?

Well, that didn't work.

Depends. Were you trying to get the poltergeist's attention,

or give me a migraine?

A little bit of both.

One out of two ain't bad.

Perhaps we're making the wrong type of noise.

You know how some people love Justin Bieber,

and some people think he's worse than measles?

Yeah, I do.

Perhaps the poltergeist likes some noises, and hates others?

Good point. We know it hates the sound of remote controlled cars.

Yeah, and people screaming. Remember when we did the ghost tours?

SCREAMING

Yeah, and when Jedward visited,

there was one song that the poltergeist totally hated.

# We're yes, we're no

# We're up and down... #

ALL: Poltergeist!

And the sound of the ghost alarms.

'Warning! Spectral presence detected!

'Warning! Spectral presence detected!'

And the noise of arguing that time it trapped me in a wardrobe.

Greetings! I come in peace!

And we know that it absolutely can't stand kazoos.

HUMS INTO KAZOO HAPPILY

Although, can't blame it for that one.

I'll have you know, there's nothing wrong with my kazoo playing.

So, if we combine all the noises we know the poltergeist doesn't like...

-We might be able to wake it up.

-And we can lure it outside.

And we can be a poltergeist-free zone

before that businessman Rich gets here!

Sounds like a good plan to me. Victory drum roll.

-SHOUTS:

-Stop it!

Thank you.

"Truly, you have the manners of a gentleman."

"You have the manner of a gentleman."

Morning. There's a taxi waiting outside for you.

Yeah. It's here to take me to the audition. Here goes nothing...

-Break a leg, Dani.

-I hardly think that's necessary!

It means good luck.

It was not good luck when I broke my leg.

I couldn't play rounders for a month.

Well, I think I'm going to need all the luck I can get.

I tried my best to help.

It's not my fault you couldn't get the hang of it.

I hope it goes well.

Me too.

See you all later.

ALL: Bye...

OK, gang.

Our VIP guest arrives today,

and we need this place clear of all supernatural pests.

-No offence.

-None taken.

-Kait and Leo, did you bring the noisy things?

-Noisy things brought.

OK! We've got ourselves a poltergeist to catch.

Gabe, Esme - you know what to do. Let's roll!

-OK. So, ghost alarm?

-Check.

The sound of arguing.

Check. What do you mean "check"?

I mean "check", don't I?

Why don't you ever LISTEN?!

-Badly-played kazoo.

-Check.

-Terrified scream.

-Check.

Remote controlled car.

Check. Now on the count of three.

One...two...three!

COMBINED CACOPHONY OF ALL NOISES

WIND WHISTLES

ROARING

It's heee-eeere!

That's our cue to leave, sister.

I think I speak for all of us when I say...

-RUN!

-Hey, that's my line!

Hey, stupid! Over here!

Yeah, come and get a little bit of Jimmy!

Now, Gabe!

Has it gone?

Let's hope so.

It worked! I really am a genius.

But this was my idea.

# Go, Jimmy! Go, Jimmy! #

Let him have his moment.

What's wrong, brother? Still worried about Dani?

No. Well, yes. But it's not that.

I know we're not exactly the same as the poltergeist,

and we've had our differences,

but it feels wrong to have done that to one of our own.

Man up! It's not like we just killed it.

We just sent it to the other side.

FRANTIC THUMPING ON DOOR

Jimmy, wait! It might be the polter...

-All right? I'm Rich.

-What's up?

Wow!

-CLEARS THROAT

-Sorry, that just came out.

You're earlier than we expected.

Just keeping you on your toes. And I've lost me watch.

I'm sure I've seen him somewhere before.

So, if you don't mind me asking, where did you hear about us?

I read about your inheritance online.

I figured this place might have potential. Looks like it does.

-So you can make money out of the castle?

-I'm not in it for the money.

I see business as a game. You like playing games, right?

So who's ready for a serious kick-butt presentation?

So, after the first year in operation,

Bogmoor Castle will be the top tourist attraction

in the whole of Ireland, if not the world.

What do you say?

One word, seriously?

-Wow!

-Me and you, Jimbo, we'll be partners in this, all right?

Hang on a minute. We don't really know anything about you.

Yeah. For all we know, you could be just some chancer.

Some strangely familiar chancer.

Look at this face. Is this not a face you can trust?

-SHE GASPS

-What?

Sorry. I'm a bit jumpy. I thought you were the polter...

..a postman.

Yeah, he's really scary, our postman.

Yeah, and he walks like this.

Grrr! Rrrrr!

I like you. You're weird. Weird is good.

Let's go for cake sometime.

-Dani, how was your audition?

-Never mind that, what is going on?

I've got the answers to all your problems.

Rich's said how he plans to restore the castle to its former glory.

It's totally awesome.

Sorry, who exactly are you?

My name's Rich. Don't wear it out.

No, I'm only joking. Use it as much as you want. Free of charge.

We should start on the redevelopment of this place.

-You know, bring out the period character.

-Hang on!

You can't just barge in here and take over...

Excuse me!

I'm telling you, sister - I think he's been here before.

We need some velvet ropes,

stop the public putting their fingers on the original fittings.

This is our home.

Jimmy, you haven't accidentally sold the castle and not told me,

-have you?

-As if I'd do that!

Well, it wouldn't be the first time, would it?

JIMMY!

Enough. Look, we're happy with the way things are.

You can't just barge in here like you own the place.

-Right, Jimmy?

-Yeah.

We may have struggled a bit, but this is our family home, mate.

Look, unless you can come up with a good reason

as to why we should listen to you, then I think you should go.

What, even though I'm your cousin?

Another cousin?!

So why did Aunt Marjorie never mention you in the will?

Perhaps he's from the other side.

He's a ghost?

No, the other side of the family.

The one Aunt Marjorie never mentioned.

No way! There's more of us?

Look, my mum and dad fell out with Marjorie when I was a little kid.

-Before then, I used to hang out here all the time.

-I knew it!

Look, Rich, you're more than welcome to visit here any time you like,

but you can't just steam ahead with business plans without our say-so.

I just thought together we could put Bogmoor Castle on the map.

It's not as if Jimmy and Dani haven't already tried, Master Rich.

Yeah, but with my ideas in the mix, we can really make this work.

Come on, let's keep him.

He can help us pay off Auntie Marjorie's debts.

-I don't know...

-Come on.

Come on! He's family.

All right, Rich - you can have your chance.

Awesome! Come on, I'll show you to your room.

OK. Lucky I packed this. You know, just in case.

Did I just hear right? He's staying?

He's our cousin.

What, another one?!

Dani, you never mentioned how you got on at your audition.

Oh, um... Yeah, I didn't get the part.

Boo-hoo, and all that.

I'm so sorry.

Yeah, well, um... I've got things to do and stuff.

And it's all thanks to me.

I knew you were making stuff up!

Thank you, sister.

Hi, Kait.

You got the part, didn't you?

Dani, that's amazing news!

I don't know what to do.

This is Hollywood!

I'll miss you massively, but you've always wanted to be a movie star.

You have to go.

But it's so far away.

We all coped before you came here, didn't we?

I'm sure we'll all manage again. Even Gabe.

Maybe you two can talk online.

It won't be much different than it is now.

It's not like you two can touch anyway.

You don't think I don't know that?

You think I can control who I have feelings for?

Well, I can't. I'm staying, and that's that.

-SHE SIGHS

-Another successful girly chat(!)

I've made up my mind, Esme. I'm going to use The Gift.

Are you sure, Gabe? The Gift is a once-off thing.

You can't just waste it on Dani.

I've waited over 250 years to meet the right person.

It's her.

And she's so down about not getting that part. I wish to comfort her.

-Gabe...

-Esme, I knew from the moment I first saw her.

Please, do not deny me this.

OK. It's your funeral. So to speak.

OK. Enough of this mushy stuff. I'm a ghost.

A creature of the night.

I've got a reputation to maintain.

How do you come up with ideas like this?

Well, with my brain, I'm going to be the next Alan Sugar.

Without the face of a bearded walnut.

Ha-ha-ha(!) What about you, Leo? Part of the family too?

Nah, I just get to hang out here.

I'm the castle's resident magician.

Hey, maybe I can saw you in half some time!

Trust me, don't. Not unless you want a trip to the hospital.

Gabe! Wait, hang on a second.

-You need to talk to Dani.

-I'm just going to see her now.

No, she lied to you, Gabe.

She did get the part, but she thinks she wants to stay here for you.

You have to let her go.

But I don't want her to go.

This movie's an opportunity of a lifetime for Dani.

If you really cared about her...

you'd let her go.

Can't believe it still makes me jump when you do that. What's up?

What are you doing?

Trying to set the TV to record Celebrity Badger Watch.

But why aren't you going to Hollywood? Kait told me.

Oh, well...it's no big deal.

But it's what you really want to do.

No. I want to stay here with you.

Dani, if it wasn't for this ghostly form,

I would be out there living life to the full.

Attending melodeon recitals, and balls,

and browsing for the latest in lacy cuffs.

This is a curse I wish upon no-one.

Least of all you.

But I can't even kiss you goodbye.

Once in a ghost's existence, we can call upon something called The Gift.

Well, what's that?

It's easier if I show you.

Jimmy tells us you're going to be the next Alan Sugar.

That's right. Big office. Big desk. Big suits. And big ideas.

Soon as I've thought of one.

You've not thought of your big idea yet?

I mean, I might have.

I've got so many ideas, it's hard to focus on one.

I can come up with award-winning business concepts just like that.

Prove it.

OK. Hit me with some buzz words. Random as you like.

Potatoes.

-Wasps.

-Hats.

Potato-flavoured wasp hats. There you go.

That's rubbish.

Never know, could earn me millions. Just you wait and see.

When I'm loaded, I'll take you for that cake I promised.

Voice note. New business idea. Potato-flavoured wasp hats.

See, that's up there with the best of them.

Edible false beards, and flying remote remote controls.

You can tell you're related to Jimmy.

You're every bit the bodger he is!

OK, guys. I'm off.

How are you doing that?

It's fading.

No!

CAR HORN HONKS

You can do this.

-Bye, Dani!

-I'll call you as soon as I get to America, OK?

Promise?

You might be a mixture of tactless,

clumsy, terrible at magic,

and dead, but...

you're still my friends and I'll never forget you.

Come on, give me a squeeze.

-I'll miss you.

-Love you, cuz.

-Bye, Rich.

-See you later, Dan.

Please stay clear of Zachariah Efron.

-It's back!

-That's my cue to leave! See you later, guys.

Let's barricade ourselves in the library!

I thought you said the poltergeist was gone for good?

-It must be a very determined poltergeist!

-You don't say!

It's not like this all the time, is it?

Most of the time it's far crazier!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd