Castle Keep Dani's Castle

-Can't it wait? I'm busy right now.

-I need help with my homework!

Go on, what is it?

-Ugh, schoolwork that you're meant to do at home!

-No, I mean what subject?

Biology. We're meant to make up an experiment of my own.

So what's the problem?

Well, Mr Fruit won't let me do any more projects on lizards.

He says I've got lizards on the brain.

WASHING MACHINE STARTS

A-ha! I've still got it. So what you going to do instead?

-Amphibians!

-What about plants? Plants are interesting.

No, they aren't, what are you supposed to do with those?

Put one inside, put one outside, see what one grows the fastest.

Look, use your imagination, Dylan, yeah?

I could feed them to Trafford and see which one he prefers.

Yeah, but that's involving lizards.

Use my imagination?

CAMERA CLICKS

-Hello? Hello?

-Good day.

-Can I help you?

-No.

I'm just admiring your castle, it's what, 16th century?

Yeah, parts of it.

We don't have anything like this where I come from.

Sorry, could you just move out of the way for a second?

-You know this is not open to members of the public?

-Yeah, I know.

-Then who are you?

-O'Donnell. Bruce O'Donnell.

-Rich. Just Rich.

-Great to meet you, Richard! You like living here?

-Yeah, it's all right.

I mean, it's tipping on its side a bit,

there's a few piping issues, a few mice...

I want to buy it.

Did you just say you want to buy the castle?

I've been digging around a bit in my family tree.

My great-great-great-grandfather came close to buying this place.

Never quite managed to seal the deal.

-I thought I'd come and finish the job.

-You're from Australia, right?

-Why would you want to move to Bogmoor?

-I don't.

I want to move the castle, to Sydney.

I want to ship it over stone by stone and rebuild it,

-facing the harbour.

-Yeah, right!

Are you being serious? You know that'll cost millions, dun't ya?

Yeah. Tell you what, Richo, why don't I make you an offer right now?

Don't bother.

Look, I've got big plans for this castle,

this place is going to earn me a lot of money.

-That is a lot of money.

-That's not a lot of money.

That...is a lot of money.

-You've, erm, definitely got my attention.

-Thought I might.

It's not just my decision though, three of us own this castle.

Yeah, but a shrewd businessman like you ought to be able to

talk them over, eh, Richo?

Look, I've got to get a flight for Sydney in the morning.

Be nice to get a decision before I leave.

-Out of the question.

-You ain't even thought about it.

OK...there, I've thought about it - out of the question.

What did Jimmy have to say about this?

He's quite keen on the idea actually.

Woo! We gon' be millionaires, we gon' be millionaires!

And Dani?

No, no, we can't, we promised Aunt Marjorie we'd look after it.

So that's a no?

-But it's a lot of money, we'd be mad to turn it down.

-So that's a yes?

Yes. Wait - no, no. We have to think about Gabe and Esme.

What would happen to them?

Esme and I are part of the soul of this building.

-If the castle goes, we go with it.

-Perfect, look, you'll love Oz.

-You can go to the beach, surf, have barbecues.

-Ghosts can't go outside.

-Well, you can look out the window.

-This is our home.

Look, I don't want to sell it. But the castle, it's too much hard work.

I see.

Our ancestors built this castle, fought for it,

went to war to protect it.

This is where our roots are, and you are giving it away simply

because you are too lazy to mop the floor.

Look, it's not about the cleaning!

It's the repairs, keeping Dylan out of trouble, the bills...

-keeping Dylan out of trouble.

-Piffle!

The castle practically runs itself, you're just being greedy.

-Rich.

-I've just cleaned that!

Oops! I just wanted to let you know

that the garden fence has fallen over again,

and Mr Shaughnessy said please can you fix it before his sheep escape?

Well, why can't he do it?

I can't remember exactly what he said,

but I know it involved an electric cattle prod and your bum.

Can't argue with that.

Look, if it's so easy to run the castle, why don't you do it?

It will be my pleasure. I'm not a grumpy grumbleguts.

I could clean this castle floor with my hands tied behind my back.

How would you hold the mop?

GHOSTLY HUMMING

You know, I've got relatives down under, we should give them a call.

-BOTH:

-G'day, Roxy!

-Guess what, Kylie? Great news, we are moving to Australia!

-Bonza!

You're going to love it over here, mate.

-We've got sun, sea, sand and surf.

-Bye-bye, Bogmoor, and hello, sun.

Spiders, sharks, snakes.

It's the snakes you've got to be careful of - swallow you whole!

-Abandon ship!

-Agh!

It's where your roots are. I mean, what's that even mean?

Huh?

-HAMMER PLUMMETS

-Ugh!

CLASSICAL MUSIC

Who did this? Jimmy?

At least the job's done. Jimmy?

That's weird.

-Yes?

-Huh?!

-Why are you dressed like that?

-Why are you dressed like that?

-Who are you?

-I'm Rich. Is everything all right?

Master Gabriel, there's a visitor for you.

-Gabe's outside?! How'd he get outside?

-Through the door.

Visitor for you, sir. He says he's very rich.

Well, there's no need to brag.

Unless you wish to make a donation to save the castle?

No, no, MY NAME is Rich. Rich?

Rich, Rich... Ah, third cousin Richard from London!

What an unexpected visit! But where is your luggage?

Uh, I travel light.

No matter, it's a pleasure to finally meet you, cousin.

Ah! You're alive! He's...

-Gabe's alive.

-It must have been a very tiring journey.

Oh, dear, that's a nasty bump you've picked up there.

Perhaps we should get you inside and have a lie down?

Yeah, erm...maybe he's right.

I'll send for some spa water and leeches,

the best medicine the 18th century can provide.

You'll soon be feeling yourself again. This way.

So, here's the plan.

I'm going to play a different type of music to each plant to see

how it affects them.

Plant A will be played happy music.

"If You're Happy and You Know It" plays

Ugh, make it stop!

And plant B will be played hardcore death metal.

"Thunderstruck" by AC/DC plays

I'm taking plant B!

At the end of the experiment we'll measure both plants to see

-which has grown the most.

-It's obvious mine's going to win.

Well, we'll see about that.

-Have you seen Rich?

-He's outside fixing the fence.

-Anything I can help you with?

-Nah, this is more Rich's domain.

Well, no, I'm in charge now. Whatever the problem is,

I'm sure I can fix it.

Well, the washing machine's broke and I'm doing a set on the webcam

tonight, so I've got to look my best, this shirt needs to be spotless.

Ah. Leave this to me.

You OK?

HE LAUGHS WEAKLY

Dylan. Thank goodness.

Look, I had this awful dream I was back in the 18th century.

Gabe was alive, Kate was a maid. Tell you the worst thing though...

-AGH!

-Hello!

-Oi, back to the chimneys, you.

-Sorry, ma'am.

-No way.

I've brought you a change of clothes, Master Richard.

-Perhaps you'll be more comfortable in these.

-No way.

Look, I'm not staying, I'm going home.

Wait... This is home.

Well, maybe if you're feeling better,

-Master Gabriel would like to speak with you.

-Sure.

Why not? I'll go along with it.

-He's out in the garden setting up for the ball.

-What?

-The masked ball?

That is why you're here, isn't it?

-Yeah!

-There you go.

-Do you have my money or not?

-Not yet, Mr O'Donnell, but we will.

If you can't raise the money in the next month, you're out of here,

Dunraven. This castle will be mine.

-Don't count on it.

-Why, you going to save up your pocket money, missy?

HE CHUCKLES

You've got one month. I'll be seeing you.

-See you haven't changed, Esme.

-And, eh, who are you?

-Sister!

Sorry about that, COUSIN Richard.

I'm afraid you caught us at a rather bad moment.

You see, our father is a bit of an...

entrepreneur.

Always coming up with crazy moneymaking schemes.

Ah, that's where I get it from.

Unfortunately he's made a number of bad investments.

We've lost everything. We're bankrupt.

That's where I get it from.

And if we don't pay off Mr O'Donnell, he's going

to take the castle, the land, everything.

The family will be disgraced, the name Dunraven will be mud.

-So, what's the plan?

-Well, I'm glad you've asked.

Wait, don't tell me, you're going to throw a concert in the castle

grounds, invite all the locals and earn loads of money?

No, I am going to marry a very rich girl.

What's in it for her?

She gets a title, and marries into the most noble family in Ireland.

-I've already selected a suitable girl - Jemima Fairfax.

-Is she fit?

Yes, I believe she enjoys brisk walks.

-No, I mean is she pretty?

-I assume so. We've never met.

Wait. You're going to marry someone that you've never met?

She will be attending the ball this evening.

-Oh, so that's what all the decorations are for.

-Yes.

I must make it as romantic as possible.

If I am to propose, I must sweep her off her...

Definitely might be worth sticking round for.

"Remove pump tray and hose

"and check for residuary blockages in the filter valve.

"See separate leaflet for full details.

"Does not include decorative parts."

-Rich, Rich! Where's Rich?

-I've told you, he's not here.

There's sheep all over the garden!

I'm in charge, leave this to me.

-Hey, I really think we should find Rich.

-Just calm down.

How many sheep are there?

-About 30.

-30?!

It's OK...no problem...it's fine.

SHEEP BLEAT

Hello, Pests Be Gone?

I would like to employ your services to remove

an infestation from my castle.

SQUEAKY VOICE

About 30. No, no, not rats, sheep.

LINE GOES DEAD

Hello? The device appears to be broken.

-What now?

-You will have to go outside and round them up yourself.

-With a broom?!

-Do you want that shirt clean by this evening?

-Oh!

Right. Where was I?

HARP PLAYS

It's got to be somewhere.

Great news, Master Richard!

Have you lost something?

Is there a toilet in this place?

We'll give you some privacy.

You know, I think I'll wait. So, any good news?

Jemima...has sent me a portrait.

-So, what do you think?

-She looks really familiar.

-Give me that.

-Oh, great, she's pretty, you're going to mess this up.

-I will not!

Of course you will, look at her, she's way out of your league.

You're right.

What was I thinking?

I will call it off immediately while I still have my dignity.

Pfft, bit late for that.

Gabe, what you talking about? Gabe! You can't just walk away from it.

Think about the castle, your family.

Look, talking to girls is easy, my friend.

You've just got to have a bit of confidence.

Look, watch this. Kate, wait!

-Hey, babes, how you doing?

-Very well, thank you, Master Richard.

Sweet. Look, I was wondering if...

-..if, erm...

-Yeah?

-Sorry, it's just, your eyes, they're so blue.

It's like two cornflowers dancing in the summer breeze.

-Thank you.

-Have you done summat different with your hair?

-Erm, no, I didn't have time to tie it up this morning.

-No - it's great.

It looks great. You... You look great.

-Thank you, Master Richard.

-No, please, call me Rich.

SHE GIGGLES

-See? It's easy as pie, my friend.

-Astonishing!

-It was like watching Casanova himself.

-Well...

-Where did you learn such a skill?

-You know, London.

Hang on, Gabe will never be able to do that.

-I'm afraid that is true.

-UNLESS it's a masked ball.

That way you can pretend to be Gabe and do the proposing for him.

-Whoa, hang on a minute.

-Genius!

Once she has said yes there will be no backing out.

I could say all the stupid stuff I like.

No, I'm sorry, you're going to have

to do this by yourself, I'm not getting involved.

Please! Cousin Richard.

The future of this family...rests entirely...on your ability

to chat up a girl.

Well, if you put it like that.

-Master Richard was definitely wooing me.

-Uh, are you sure?

-It was obvious.

-He made no attempt to disguise his partialities.

-Disguise his WHAT?

Well, his flattery was open.

And he laid bare his amorous intentions.

Don't you think you should speak to another girl about this?

What can I do?

I'm just a parlour maid, I shouldn't even be speaking to him.

Well, what about the ball?

You could hide behind a mask and do all the flirting you want.

Look at me, where am I going to get a ball gown?

Well, have you got a fairy godmother?

Or you could just nick one from Lady Dunraven's wardrobe.

CLASSICAL MUSIC

PEACOCK CAWS

Now, are you sure you're happy to do this, cousin Richard?

I don't want to force you into anything you're not

comfortable with.

-You know what? I'd rather not.

-What?!

-I didn't really...

-I'm only joking!

-So was I. Jester.

Stop joking around, you two. Jemima could be here any minute.

What's she actually look like?

-She will be wearing a mask.

-Oh, that really narrows it down, don't it?

Oh, and she will be carrying an ostrich feather fan.

-Where's Master Richard?

-Ooh, just

over there. He's talking to Esme.

Right, wish me luck!

-There she is, that's Jemima.

-Quick, put your masks on!

Wish me luck.

Ahem.

SHE GIGGLES

-Ah, can I help you to some fruit punch, Miss...

-Kate - erm...Linda.

Lady Katalinda Farquarson.

-Delighted to make your acquaintance, Miss...

-BOTH:

-Ah!

..Lady Farquarson.

Oh, well, actually I'm looking for Master Richard.

-Yes, he is just over...

-This...this is Master Richard.

-What? Oh, yes!

I thought you said Robert. I am Richard, Rich.

-MIMICS RICH'S ACCENT:

-All right?

-Oh, well, in that case, I will take that drink, thank you.

-Sweet!

-No probs.

-I can't bear to watch this.

KATE AND GABE LAUGH

"If You're Happy and You Know It" plays

Right. That should work.

-Ah.

-Eh, what have you done?

Just a minor technical issue.

Run for cover! BLEATING

What's the matter?

The sheep, they've organised themselves, they're fighting back!

It's too late, they've found me, hide!

If my words break through the wall to meet you at the door,

then all I can say is...girl, I meant them all.

Just a little something I wrote for you, you know.

Look, I was wondering if...

Sorry, your eyes...they're so blue. So blue!

I mean brown! Yeah, they're brown, like mud, or...wood!

Wood, yeah, nice wood though, very classy wood, mahogany.

And your hair's great.

Where did you get that done?

And then she said, "It's not a hat, it's my wig."

THEY LAUGH

-Oh, Master Richard, you are so funny.

-Thanks, babe.

And if you'll pardon my saying so, I think you are "well fit".

Thank you, I do like to take the occasional brisk walk.

-It means "pretty". It's a Landan thing.

-Do you think I'm pretty?

-Sorry.

-Excuse me.

-A-ha.

-How's it going?

-Well, she's like putty in my hands.

See? Think it's time to pop the question.

You are a quick mover, cousin Richard.

Well, you know me, Gabes, I don't hang about, do I?

No, definitely not.

-Lady Farquarson.

-Drink for you, my sweet.

There's something I've been meaning to ask you.

It's obvious from my letters that we've been really

hitting it off, so...

I wonder if you'd give me the honour, the infinite pleasure...

Can you take your mask down a bit? Cos it's quite distracting.

As I was saying...

AGH! You're, erm...

-You, er, remind me of someone I know.

-Is she pretty?

-He's, erm, she's, erm, she's very... striking.

-More striking than I?

About the same.

BLEATING

THEY WHIMPER

This is ridiculous. It's only a sheep.

-Well, you go and get rid of it then.

-Fine, if you're not man enough.

Wait, no, that's what they'll be expecting us to do.

Maybe that was a decoy sent to distract us.

-From what?

-From the ambush, of course!

-Oh, tommyrot!

No, no, no, stay, please!

Shoo, sheep! That's right, go outside.

Shoo-shoo-shoo. Ah! Ah!

-They ambushed me, I got bitten.

-I tried to warn you.

-Agh!

No, please...

Please.

No punch left? Where is that useless Kate?

Honestly, you can't get the staff these days.

I beg your pardon?

Ugh, my cousin's maid, she's useless, always lazing about,

she never does any work.

-What? What was that for?

-I don't know who you think you are, Richard!

-You can't marry her!

-Too right you can't, you ungrateful pig!

-Kate!

-What are you doing? Hang on, is that my mother's dress?

-Master Gabriel.

Oh, no, what have I done?

No, I take it back! Always lazing around, am I? Well, I resign. Hmm!

Kate, wait...

-Gabes strikes again.

-You can't marry Jemima.

-Why not?

-Have a look at her.

Don't you think she's a bit...masculine?

Nobody's perfect. This is the 18th century, nobody marries for love.

Maybe in London, but not here.

-I must put my family and the castle before my own happiness.

-Serious?

Well, I'm not proposing.

Fine. I shall do it myself.

She looks nothing like her portrait.

You should never trust profile pictures, Esme.

You'll know that once you get the internet.

This castle really means a lot to him, doesn't it?

Of course it does, it's our family home.

That's more important than money or love.

Maybe I am greedy. When did you become so sensible anyway?

-Agh!

-Is something wrong, cousin Richard?

I knew it. This IS a dream.

Wait a minute. This is a dream.

Kate.

-Oh. Master Richard.

-I've waited a long time to do this.

Oh! Oh, why did I have to wake up now?

Thanks, buddy.

GOAT BLEATS

BLEATING

Honestly, can't leave this place for five minutes.

HE WHISTLES AND THEY SCREAM

Cuz! Where have you been?

I've been thinking.

"If You're Happy and You Know It" stops playing

-I've made a decision on the castle.

-Before you continue, Master Richard.

I've been doing some thinking myself.

I had no idea how difficult it is to run this place.

So, if you wish to sell...

..I shan't stand in your way.

Thanks, Gabe, I really appreciate that.

-Oh, Mr O'Donnell.

-The door was open, I let myself in.

I hope you don't mind.

So, have you given any more thought to my offer?

-Yeah, I have.

-So when can I start dismantling?

-We're not selling.

You're not?

-We're not?

-You're not?

-We're not.

Look, if Gabe was willing to marry you to keep

the castle in the family, how could I think about selling?

I realise that this place is more than just bricks and mortar,

it's our home, our family history. Some things money just can't buy.

-And what if I was to double my offer?

-Erm...

-Well, erm, I'd definitely...

-Relax, Rich, I'm only messing with you!

-I was going to say no anyway.

-You're a good man, Richo.

You've got integrity, I like that.

Did I see another castle about 20k down the road?

Yeah, Dunrockin Castle.

I'll see myself out.

I'm glad you saw sense, Master Richard.

And if we all pull together and help,

it will mean a lot less work for you.

-Great. Who's going to round up the sheep?

-I can't go outside.

I-I've got homework to do!

No way, happy music killed my plant!

Hey, guys, check this out, it's trying to escape!

As I predicted, death metal wins. So, what's my prize?

You...get to watch Jimmy round up the sheep.

-What? I've already tried.

-You've just got to be a bit more scary.

-Me?

-Yeah.

-Scare them?

-Mm-hmm.

And how am I supposed to do that?

Well, put on a dress, and some lipstick.

Trust me, that is terrifying.