Girl Trouble Dani's Castle

DOOR CREAKS

Master Dylan, how was school?

-Don't want to talk about it.

-Good job I'm a ghost.

That could have been messy.

-Good day at school, bro?

-He doesn't want to talk about it.

-I don't want to talk about it.

-Don't, then.

They made me do a project with the most annoying girl at school.

-What makes this girl so annoying?

-Oh, I think she's a witch.

A witch? We must act quickly!

I have my grandfather's witch-hunting kit somewhere.

Slow down, Dorothy. I don't think she's a witch.

-SIGHS:

-Every time I talk to her, I turn into a jibbering wreck.

I can't speak, I feel dizzy and clumsy. I want to run away.

Sounds like someone's got a crush.

NO!

Dylan. Dylan, wait!

Sometimes, when we like somebody as more than just a friend,

-it can make us a bit...

-Crazy.

-Peculiar.

-A bit ga-ga.

-Not right in one's head.

I was going to say "vulnerable".

If you really like this girl, Master Dylan, tell her how you feel.

Dani and I may no longer be together,

but I've never regretted telling her how I truly felt.

PHONE RINGING

It's Fiona!

Um... Hello.

No. It's his handsome big brother.

Do you want me to get Romeo?

Do you want me to get Dylan for you? ..All right. Here he is.

Kissy kissy.

SCREAMING

He's got it bad.

I've admired your beauty for such a long time.

I could eat you all up. Hm!

You scrumptious thing!

I love you.

-Diego?

-Yeah.

-Were you just telling that piece of cheese that you love it?

-Huh?

What cheese?

You're right, Trafford. Maybe I'd be less nervous if I knew she liked me.

How am I ever going to find out?

Yes. Reptiles don't get nervous.

If I acted more like a lizard...

Ah! "Courtship rituals of the reptile kingdom".

This should do the trick.

-What you up to?

-Esme!

-I'm just about to watch a DVD on reptiles.

-Snooze!

Let's have some fun. I was in the dungeon earlier.

Check this out. It's a thumbscrew.

-We could use it on carrots AND Jimmy.

-Fun will have to wait.

-I've a girl coming to work on a moths project.

-Oh!

-Sums sound so boring.

-Not maths. Moths. Depressed butterflies.

-Still boring.

-I need to find out if she likes me, Esme.

The only way I can do that is by acting like a reptile.

-Why do you need to know if this human has a crush on you?

-Well.

-The others think I have a tiny crush on her.

-What?

Perhaps if she feels the same way, we could hang out together.

Excuse me! You've already got someone to hang out with - me!

You can't leave the castle, Esme.

Fiona and I could breed newts together, visit gecko sanctuaries.

After all we've been through,

you're ditching me for some girl you barely know?

I'm not. It would just be nice to have a human friend, too.

Some best friend YOU are!

I hear you, Trafford. Girls!

Gabe was like, "If you like someone, you should tell 'em."

-That's not bad advice.

-Did you see Kait's face?

-She's got a little crush on someone herself.

-You think so?

-Who?

-Let's just say it's not someone who lives in the castle.

-It's someone who owns the castle.

-You mean...?

-Uh-huh.

-No way?

-Yes, way.

I always suspected that, but I never imagined...

You know, you've either got it or you ain't.

You hear that, J-dog? Kait likes you.

Now it's time to tell her you feel the same way.

Swag-a-licious!

ON DVD: 'Many male reptiles attract a mate by changing shape and colour.

'If a female lizard isn't interested in the male,

'she will arch her back and jump sideways.'

Dynamite, Trafford!

If I puff myself up and change my colour,

Fiona might tell me she likes me.

But...if she arches her back and leaps sideways,

well, at least I know she's not interested - high five!

I'm filming a TV pilot about a nun who gets transported

to an alien planet with high gravity.

-It's called the One-Ton Nun.

-Well, the big news here

is that Dylan has got his first crush.

Gabe was saying how we should shout it out if there's someone we like.

If we spend forever waiting for boys

to say they like us, we'll never know.

-I haven't got time to have a crush, anyway.

-It's OK, you know.

-What's OK?

-If you like Rich.

What? I don't like Rich! Who told you that?

Even the thought that I could possibly like Rich is ridiculous.

-I...

-I think you'd make a cute couple.

-What if he doesn't feel the same way?

-What if he does?

-I need to be sure.

-Dani.

That's my cue for rehearsals. Good luck, Kait.

OWL HOOTS

THUD THUD

Hi. What took you so long to answer the door?

I... I...

Socks!

-Did you just arch your back?

-We don't have time for this.

-I just want to know if...

-We need to start our project. Which way?

Through there. I'll be right behind you.

-What's it like living in a castle?

-Well, it beats living in a cowshed.

-Have you lived in a cowshed?

-No. I saw one on a documentary once.

Or did I dream that?

You dream about watching documentaries?

-You're such a joker!

-Oh, that's me! Always joking!

-Hahaha!

-Hello. Lovely to meet you, Fiona.

-I'm Dylan's older brother.

-We spoke on the phone.

Just before Dylan hung up on me.

There was a gust of wind and it just blew the phone out of my hand.

So, has my little bro told you about all his feelings yet?

-Why? How are you feeling, Dylan?

-Feeling!

Feeling...like...we've got lots of homework to do! Come on!

-Ah!

-Stop winding him up. They might be made for each other.

-I never knew you were a romantic.

-Well, only with people I care about.

-Well, haha. I've got stuff to do.

-Yeah. I'm dead busy.

I'll see ya later.

Um... Oh...

Thanks.

RAPPING Oh, Gabe, he is a babe

Girls go insane for my...name.

Gabe! GABE!

-What were you doing?

-I believe you young humans call it hip-hop.

Look, I've got gossip and I need to tell someone or I'm going to burst.

I'm not sure it's very pleasant to gossip about people.

-But it's about Kait.

-Gossiping isn't very gentlemanly.

Especially about one's female friends.

-But she's got a crush on someone.

-Who?

-Ha!

-Come on, Gabe! Who else is she going to get a crush on?

-Um...

-He's in this very room!

-Oh, no!

-Oh, yes!

But don't tell anyone.

I cannot believe another human has fallen in love with me.

Then again, Gabe IS a babe!

CHORTLES Stop it!

So, as our project is on the life cycle of Lepidoptera,

moths and butterflies,

I thought we can make a papier mache model of a mottled rustic moth.

You can do the wings whilst I focus on the thorax and abdomen.

Huangninini huanganang...

-What are you doing?

-Well...

It's what male chameleons do when they...

when they, er...

like a lady chameleon.

Here's a funny one - geckos lick the heads of their mate.

Focus, Dylan! Our project HAS to be about moths.

Not chameleons, not geckos or anything else.

-Just moths.

-I'm sorry. I'll go and get my stuff.

Right, let's... Huh?

Huh?

SCREAMS

Whoa! Easy there, cuz. Watch the threads.

-Sorry, Jimmy. Wow! You look smart!

-I look sharp, like a razorblade.

-You might be the right person to help.

-Is this about your crush?

Nothing I try works. I've tried doing the guttural noises and this.

Huanguangoinen...

And I've tried licking the back of her head.

-I still don't know whether she likes me or not.

-Cuz...

You've come to the right man.

Wait in Dr Jimmy's lurve clinic and I'll be right back.

Wow! And there's me thinking this was just the library.

SIGHS

Have you ever been in love, Diego?

Just once, Roxy. Just once.

What happened?

Her name was Ginger. She had soft, warm fur.

And a big tail. She had eyes you could just get lost in.

-So what happened?

-We were from two different worlds, Roxy.

Two different worlds. Some things are not meant to be.

Well, why didn't it work?

It was the constant hairballs, the smell of tuna

and she tried to eat me on our first date.

This Ginger, she didn't happen to be a cat, did she?

I still miss her. SOBBING

-Looking fresh, cuz.

-What if my trousers fall down?

-I don't want Fiona to see my undies.

-Forget about your pants.

-You want me to go commando?

-N-no!

It's your attitude you need to work on.

You need to act like you and her are already an item. Imagine I'm her.

-Hi, Dylan!

-Hi, Fiona.

Er... Why are you wearing Jimmy's clothes?

Cuz, this is role play. Imagine I'm not wearing MY clothes.

-OK.

-Hi, Dylan.

-GASPS

-Fiona, you're naked!

Right, imagine I'm Fiona wearing Fiona's clothes.

Now try again, with a bit more...swag.

-Swag-a-licious!

-No, no! Too soon.

Drop a few compliment bombs, sit back for the reaction, then...

Swag-a-licious!

You're getting it. I'd better go. I need to catch Kait.

Stay fresh, cuz.

Wait! I still don't know what I'm really supposed to be doing.

Look, if in doubt...swag it up.

THUD

Meant that!

Kait! Kait, wait!

-Yeah, Rich?

-Look, I really wanted to say...

Hey, hey, hey!

-What's up, Jim?

-Kait, maybe you and me could go catch a quick DVD?

Yeah. OK. All three of us could...

Just us. You and me don't spend enough time together.

Right. I guess there's nothing wrong with two friends watching a DVD.

Great. Let's go.

Have fun.

Did you, um...say something?

No. No, no. Nothing at all.

-OK.

-Kait, come on.

-Wassup, babe-a-tron?

-Where have you been?

I had to start on the wings myself.

-There have been some very strange things happening here.

-Wow!

There are some strange things happening in my heart! Hear that?

Boom-ba-da-boom. Beats for you, my little swag doll.

-You're not like this at school. You're focused on your work.

-Well!

Some things are more important than work.

-TURNS MUSIC ON

-Things like amore!

HIP-HOP PLAYS

CRUNCH

Dylan! You crushed my moth thorax!

I'm sorry.

I was... Oh, great(!) I've got moth paint all over my butt!

-These trousers aren't even mine.

-Where are you going?

-To get changed.

-Great(!)

Now I'm going to have to start all over.

Time to shake things up a bit.

GASPS What's happening here?

What's going on?

Oh, no!

SCREAMING

I LOVE being a ghost!

Ah! Master Dylan. How goes it with Fiona?

I've tried acting like a lizard.

I've tried acting like Jimmy. Neither's worked.

Having what I believe is called "swagger" is all well and good,

but in my experience, the female-kind like romance, poetry

and flowers.

Gotcha! I wish she'd tell me how she feels before my crush gets worse.

Oh, my! You are right, master Dylan.

The lady Kaitlyn, I must tell her how I feel.

-About what?

-The lady Kaitlyn has feelings for me.

Alas, I do not feel the same way.

I must save her before it goes too far and her heart gets broken.

Is this castle haunted?

Er... What gives you that idea?

For you, my lady.

A-tchoo!

Get them out of my face! I've got chronic hayfever.

A-tchoo! A-tchoo!

You!

Who?

You... You go on ahead. I just need to go and do something.

What can possibly be more important than our project?

I'm feeling ill. I need the toilet.

No! I don't need the toilet!

I need to go into a room where the toilet is and do something important

but the opposite of going to the toilet but just as important.

Um... What's with all the flowers and candles?

-Power cut.

-That only explains the candles.

-Not the flowers.

-I'm training to be a florist.

-Since when did you want to become a florist?

-Since, like, forever.

Now, come and help me choose a movie.

All right.

Love's Great Adventure.

A Heart As Big As A Mountain?

Jimmy, these are all soppy romantic films.

I thought you were more of an aliens and robots kind of guy.

Even robots can fall in love.

Thanks.

Look...Jimmy.

You know I like you.

And I like you, too.

And, um...and sometimes...

two FRIENDS... Hm?

-..can become something more.

-Mm-hm.

-But thi...

-Ssh.

Kait, it's OK. You don't have to say anything.

I feel the same way.

CLEARS THROAT

Don't you knock?

-My apologies. I need a moment with the lady Kaitlyn.

-Yeah.

What can I do for you, Gabe?

My lady, I like you very much.

And...I like you, too.

And sometimes FRIENDS may become something much, much more.

-What is going on?

-But I must tell you...

that we cannot be together.

You're a human, I'm a ghost. I know from experience it won't work.

Could not agree more.

I know this must be hard for you to take,

-given how you feel about me.

-How I feel about you?

-What are you talking about?

-You have feelings for me.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Hang on, old school! It's me she likes.

It's me she likes, Master Jimmy. No, she likes me.

We all know it's me the human girls tend to fall in love with.

Enough! I don't like either of you in that way.

-But I thought...

-You thought wrong. SO wrong!

I mean, "right" is over here.

And over there, like way, way over there,

so far in the distance that you can't see it, is wrong-town!

And there is where you live.

The door's stuck.

Oh!

I see.

You want to watch a film? What have you got?

Love's Great Adventure?

Perfect.

Why are you trying to ruin things between me and Fiona?

-Fiona? I don't know any Fiona.

-Yes, you do.

-And you're trying to ruin my chances with her.

-Who? Me?

-As if!

-And you're using your ghostly powers on her.

-She's just a human.

-Why would I care?

-I don't know. You like causing mischief?

I never cause mischief just for the sake of it.

Ow!

Maybe I'll hang out with Trafford. Maybe HE still likes me.

-I still like you.

-Oh, really?

-What's wrong with you?

OK, fine. I admit it. I'm jealous.

Don't get any ideas that I have a crush on you, buddy boy.

Jealous of what?

Dylan, you're my best friend.

-I don't want to lose you to some random.

-Esme, that won't happen.

-You'll be my best friend, whoever I have a crush on.

-Really?

You don't need to worry about Fiona.

-She'll never be interested in me in a billion years.

-Why not?

I've tried to find out if she likes me by acting like a lizard,

and Jimmy and Gabe, and she just thinks I'm weird.

-Have you tried acting like you?

-I'm shy and tongue-tied when I'm me.

Dylan, you're my best friend because you are you.

If Fiona doesn't like that, she doesn't deserve you anyway.

PLAYS CHORD Ah, that's beautiful, Rich.

-When are you going to play it for Kait?

-This is not for Kait.

-You're allowed to like her!

-I don't.

-And I'm a jar of pickled eggs(!)

Boys! Ah!

Right, time to make myself scarce. Laters, guys.

So, is this a good time to ask if everything's all right?

No, actually, everything's not OK. Thanks for asking.

Gabe and Jimmy are both ridiculous.

-They both think I've got a thing for them.

-Do you?

-No.

-You were happy watching DVDs with Jimmy.

-So what? He's my friend.

I'm your friend, too.

Well, er... Thanks for the chat.

-GENTLE MUSIC PLAYS

-No, you can't...

-Wait.

-# ..to write you a love song... #

-What is it? It's lovely.

# Have I got it all wrong?

# Chemistry between the stare

# I'm gonna show you that I really care, yeah... #

Let's pretend we never heard that.

I'm leaving.

Between your weird behaviour and this ghost stuff,

-I've had it with this place.

-Look, can't we start again?

I can't promise not to sit on your moth, but I can try to be me.

-Why wouldn't you have been you?

-I thought you'd find me a bit weird.

Dylan, I see the real you at school every day. Yeah, you're weird.

But...you're not like anyone else.

People find the fact that I like lizards a bit strange.

If you're strange, so am I. I like insects.

This is Ingrid, my stick insect. I take her everywhere with me.

We should introduce her to Trafford. Maybe they'll like one another, too.

-Did you write that song for me?

-It was a demo. I was mucking around.

-It isn't...

-Yeah.

But did you?

SCREAMING

-What's happened?

-His lizard just ate my stick insect.

-Technically, Trafford's a dragon.

-I don't care if it's a flying horse.

Fiona, I'm really sorry.

Are they ghosts?

Yeah. I'm Esme, Dylan's best friend. Nice to meet you.

So this place IS haunted?

You invited me here and didn't tell me you had ghosts?

There didn't seem to be a right time to drop it into the conversation.

I'm sorry, Dylan, it's never going to work out between us.

You like reptiles and ghosts. I like insects and humans.

We're just too different.

Sorry, little man. Don't worry. There's plenty more fish in the sea.

Who needs a girlfriend when you've got a...ghost friend?

-FRONT DOOR CLOSES

-Let's go cause some mischief.

-Kait, about earlier.

-Forget about it.

I don't really like you.

I was just joking around. As was I.

It was a joke! April Fool!

-It isn't April.

-That makes me double the joker.

Swag-a-rific!

Well, I'm a one-horse girl, anyway.

You are?

Yeah. Well, I mean...

Would you look at the time? I'd better go and feed Prince William.

The lady Kaitlyn wasn't wearing a watch.

I think someone likes you, cuz.

Ah!