Two Few Cooks Dani's Castle

Ugh!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

HE WHIMPERS

Come on!

Ah!

Ah!

Help!

Help!

I've had enough. This castle is falling apart.

Rubbish, it's as solid as a rock.

OK, maybe it could do with a bit of work.

But we're broke, we can't afford it.

We need to think of a way to make money.

With my looks and your talent, it should be easy. Come on, ideas.

We could get jobs.

-Or not.

-Or we could build a water park out in the back garden.

Or a theme park with a zoo.

Hate to burst your bubble but aren't we trying to make money,

-not spend it?

-Have you got a better idea?

-As it happens...

-# Ta-da! # Pierre Escoffier, the food critic.

-Uh?

He's written a whole article about how there's no decent

-restaurants in Bogmoor.

-So?

-So we should open one in the castle.

It's the perfect venue.

-Or we could open a planetarium.

-Yes, you know.

I don't know what it is, but it sounds cool.

Think about it. There's loads of tables and chairs in the cellars.

Big rooms, won't cost you a penny to set up.

You're right, it does sound good. Picture it, ready?

-Bogmoor Planetarium.

-Are you even listening to me?

Uh!

-What's up with her?

-Maybe she don't like planetariums?

-I thought it was a good idea.

-That steak looks good.

I can't think on an empty stomach. Let's eat.

-I'm home.

-Oh, great. I am starving.

-I picked up takeaway.

-That's disgusting. It's covered in fluff.

-It's fine.

No, I think I'll pass, actually.

-Ugh!

-I did warn you, didn't I?

I hate anchovy. Get rid of that, would you?

-Mate, there's no food.

-But there must be.

You're right. Whose turn is it to go shopping?

Begging your pardon, Master Richard, but isn't all of this food?

No, mate. Food comes in a sealed plastic tray

that you put in the microwave. This is just...

-ingredients.

-Then why don't you cook something with it?

-Good one.

-I'm being serious.

Some of the greatest chefs in history have practised

the culinary arts in this kitchen.

-They aren't here now, are they?

-Not in person.

But I did take the trouble to write down their recipes.

I hope it tastes better than the book.

Now, if I remember correctly,

cooking is simply chopping the ingredients, mixing it all together

and then heating everything up.

I've seen MasterChef. It's a little bit tougher than that.

Bon appetit. Lunch is served.

Looks good.

-That bad?

-It's a taste sensation. Gabe, you're a star.

-Whoa. Looks like someone's been cooking.

-Gabe's made lunch.

It's proper pukka.

You know you can sell this stuff and make an absolute...

Wait a minute.

Richness has just been struck with a bolt of genius.

-Why don't we open a restaurant at the castle?

-Swagalicious.

-Why didn't I think of that?

-Uh, that was my idea.

We got tables and chairs down in the cellar.

You can do the cooking, it'll be perfect.

I said that. That's my idea.

What do you say, Gabe? You in?

-Do you really think my cooking is that good?

-Good?

It can make us a mint.

Am I invisible?

Actually, I don't think this dish calls for mint,

but you could pick some from the garden if you think it needs it.

Oh, really.

-What's up with her?

-Probably still upset about the planetarium.

Bam! Must be my lucky day.

Pizza!

Oh, it looks like a mouse has got into it.

-And it's anchovy.

-We need to get a cat.

We want to attract paying customers, not rodents.

It's not just that he stole my idea, what really bugs me

is he doesn't even listen.

DANI LAUGHS

-Dani...

-Hm?

-..are you listening to me?

-Of course.

Rich is going to open a restaurant. Sounds like a great plan.

-Yeah, my plan which he nicked.

-Oh, right. Rich does tend to do that.

I tell you what, the next time you have an idea,

why don't you go right ahead without telling him?

Good idea. Thanks, Dani.

-What?

-Oh, never mind.

-Candlesticks, carnations.

-Cats.

Dillon!

I told you to get a mouse killer!

It is. I borrowed it from the farm next door.

-They said it was extremely ferocious.

-Yeah, right.

-Hello, puss. Ah! It just bit me.

-She killed 12 rabbits.

-She's hired.

Ready, Fluffy? Go kill.

SHE SCREAMS

Fluffy? Who let that blood-thirsty maniac in here?

Kaitlin, just the girl I wanted to see.

-What do you want?

-Look, we need to make some new menus

and tell everybody about the new restaurant, eh?

Newest restaurant in town.

Menus, do you not think it would be better to...

-DANI'S VOICE:

-Next time you have an idea why don't you go right ahead

-without telling him.

-To what?

-Nothing, menus it is.

Cat! It's a cat! Ah!

CAT MEOWS

-Cat! Get rid of it.

-Me?

Oh, look. It's only a fluffy kitten.

I've got this.

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Save me. Save me.

My hero.

Rich's Restaurant. No.

Rich's Kitchen?

An Abundance of Riches?

-A Bit Rich.

-Bogmoor Bistro.

-Nice one. Can we fit Rich into that somehow?

Master Richard, I've prepared the three meals you requested.

Numero Uno.

Succulent lamb cutlets with seasonal greens and a fresh mint compote.

Please.

-Oh, that is nice.

-Number two.

Pan-fried breast of duck with a penetrating red currant jus

served with a lustre of caramelised onions

and freshly whipped, creamed potatoes.

I tell you what, that's definitely a contender, that one.

And last, but not least. Chicken with spinach and broccoli.

Oh, that's the winner. I mean, you can't go wrong with chicken.

Can you pre-prepare everything?

Then bish, bash, bosh, the orders come in, happy days.

Bish... I'd rather not. But if that's what you want...

That's what I want.

Look, first rule of restaurant business, keep the money coming in.

-As you wish.

-Don't you think this is a bit too posh?

Look, sophisticated people come to Bogmoor.

-No? Well, come on, give me an alternative.

-Don't laugh.

Sandwiches.

I've got it all worked out. Going to put a sandwich bar right here.

The bread just there, the filling here.

And I can serve up my famous double-decker super subs.

Look, thanks for the offer but this is a dinner restaurant.

Sandwiches are a lunch-time food.

Let's just leave the cooking to Gabe, yeah?

I think it's a good idea.

You know what, I've got a good feeling about this.

This one is definitely going to be a winner.

Don't count on it.

I wondered how long it would take for her to show up.

Throw a spanner in the works.

This family have been ruling over Bogmoor for centuries and I won't

turn us into a bunch of servants and our castle into a low-rent tavern.

Look, there's not going to be a castle if it don't get repaired.

Better that than destroy our reputation.

Look, I'm not arguing with you. The restaurant will open.

Over my dead body.

Isn't she already dead?

Welcome to Bogmoor Bistro.

It looks well smart.

Obviously we can expand a bit. Once the money starts rolling in,

-we can knock down that wall, build a conservatory.

-Nice.

Can I just make one suggestion?

Hurry up, we've only got five minutes until we open.

It won't take a second. I've been thinking about what you said,

about sandwiches and you know something?

-Dinner sandwiches.

-Dinner sandwiches.

Everybody loves curry for dinner, right?

Boom!

-Voila! Vindaloo sandwich.

-I'm speechless.

Thought you might be.

You can have a stew sandwich, a spag bol sandwich, a chilli...

The thing is it's meant to be a really classy restaurant.

-It's not really what I had in mind.

-What do you mean?

-This is classy.

-You're right.

I just don't want to hurt Gabe's feelings, that's all.

You're missing out on a golden opportunity here, Rich.

-You're letting it slip right through your fingers.

-You know what?

You're right.

Let me take it into consideration and I'll get back to you.

That's what I'm talking about, cuz.

Just let me know when you're ready cos I'm ready when you are.

Vindaloo.

A definite no.

What are you doing? Ghosts can't smell anything.

No, but I can imagine.

The imagination is a powerful tool.

And why are you wearing the hat? It makes you look like an idiot.

I'll thank you to call me chef while you're in my kitchen.

-Sorry. It makes you look like an idiot, Chef.

-You!

Why don't you go make yourself useful and go fetch me some salt.

Yes, Chef, whatever you say, Chef.

-Here you go.

-Thank you.

-Make sure you don't put too much in.

I don't think I need advice from you, Ms Flibbertigibbet.

Menu for you, sir. And for you, Madame.

Just let me know when you're ready to order, yeah?

-Rich, I thought you hired some waiters?

-I did.

They was meant to be here a half hour ago.

So you're waiting for the waiters while you wait for the waiters?

Yeah. Luckily, there's not a lot of people.

Hopefully it picks up later.

Look, you should have invited that food critic from Cait's magazine.

First rule of the restaurant business,

don't invite anyone important on the first night.

-Anything that goes wrong, will go wrong.

-Like the waiters being late?

-Exactly.

-Or the kitchen catching fire?

-Yeah. That sort of thing.

-And forgetting about the puddings?

-Right...

The puddings. I forgot about the puddings.

Where am I going to get puddings in Bogmoor at this hour?

-Leave it to me, bruv.

-You?

I bake cakes all the time for Drum and Bass.

But they've got insects and rotten vegetables in it.

If I wanted something disgusting, I'd ask for Jimmy's rotten sandwiches!

-OK.

-Wait, wait. All right, I need your help.

-I won't let you down.

Go!

-I think the humans are cooking with cheese.

-Cheese sauce.

-Oh!

Cheese souffle.

Do you think the cat's gone?

Roxy, I think it's asleep.

-Now's your chance. Seize the cheese, Diego. Run like the wind.

-Souffle.

Go.

CAT MEOWS

Ah! Ah!

-Leave it.

-Ow! Just wanted a taste, all right.

You again.

How am I supposed to work with all these people crowding around me?

-I need my space.

-Calm down, it's only food.

-So, what are you doing?

-Making pastry.

-That's too much flour, you know.

-No, it isn't.

-Yes, it is.

-If you want to do it differently, make your own.

-Fine.

-You, me, bake-off.

-You're on.

Did somebody say bake-off cos you will need a judge.

Bad news.

I've just spoken to the catering company

and all the waiters have gone down with food poisoning.

-Ah, what a shame.

-I'm just going to have to serve everything myself.

Be quick or they'll go cold.

HE SCREAMS

And be careful, the plates are hot.

Thanks for the warning.

-Wait, wait.

-What?

Un, deux, bon appetit.

Chicken for the sir. Lamb for you. Is that everything?

-Yes, this looks lovely thank you.

-Bon appetit.

Waiter!

-Yeah. So you ready to order?

-Yes.

-What would you like?

-I'd like the duck and my wife will have the...

-Ugh!

(Give me a minute.)

Is everything all right?

-This food is horrible.

-It's too sweet. Can't eat this.

-Are you sure?

You try it.

Give me some of that.

Yeah, no.

Hold that.

Let me replace that for you, yeah?

Ah, welcome to Bogmoor Bistro. Table for two? Sit anywhere you like, mate.

-Waiter.

-Yes.

-Our order?

-Two seconds, mate. Yeah.

Well, clearly, they need their taste buds examined.

I'm sorry, Gabe, but I've tasted it. What did you put in it?

Only what the recipe called for.

-This is sugar, you fool.

-It is not. It says salt.

Look, it doesn't matter what it says. Did you taste it?

-I can't, I'm a ghost.

-So it is your fault.

It's your fault for mislabelling the jar.

-How many of the dishes did you put that in?

-Only this one.

And this one and this one and this one and this one and that one.

-So everything.

-You could say that, yes.

We're going to have to throw all this away and start over again.

-Right, one tiny problem with that.

-Don't argue with me.

-I'm not.

It's only that you asked me to make everything in advance.

-So?

-So there is no more food. That's everything.

-What!

Only these few scraps and I can't cook with those.

I've got hungry diners out there waiting for food.

What am I meant to say?

Guess you'll be needing my dinner sandwiches after all then.

No, Jimmy. No dinner sandwiches. Not now, not ever, mate.

Fine, but when there's a Jimmy's on every single street corner,

you'll be eating those words.

Better than eating your sandwiches, isn't it?

Look, Gabe, you've got us into this mess, you can get us out.

Well, if that's your attitude, I can only see one course of action.

-Which is?

-I quit.

-No!

-Great. No waiters, no food and no chefs.

I give it five minutes before this whole kitchen goes up in flames.

Right, as the owner of this restaurant,

I'm making an executive decision.

We're closed for the evening. Everybody stop what they're doing.

Don't even think about it.

I want pie.

We'll have to start fresh tomorrow.

At least things can't get any worse.

Hello. Could I have everyone's attention, please.

I've got a really important announcement to make.

-Rich, I have got fantastic news.

-Not right now, I'm busy.

You know how you told me to go out and make the menus,

-spread the word about the restaurant?

-Yeah.

Well, I've only gone and done one better than that.

It wasn't easy but I have persuaded Pierre Escoffier to come

and review the restaurant.

-Pierre who?

-The restaurant critic. Out of the magazine.

-Oh, when?

-Now.

-You what?

-I know. It's going to be in the national press.

Millions of people are going to read about us.

Oh!

Welcome to the Bogmoor Bistro, Monsieur Escoffier.

As I was saying, because it's our opening night,

everything...is on the house.

-What do you mean there's no food?

-And no chef and no waiters.

This is a disaster.

You couldn't organise an omelette in a hen house you, could you?

So it's my fault? You're the one who invited Mr...

Whatever his name is without telling me.

Because you never listen to any of my ideas.

This whole restaurant thing was my idea and you stole it.

-No, I did not.

-Yes, you did.

-This isn't getting us anywhere.

There's people in there that are hungry and we've got no food.

Great reviews we're going to get.

Fine, I'll go to the kitchen and try to rustle something up

and you just stay here and try to keep everyone happy.

-Fine, but I'm still angry.

-And I'm still angry with you.

-That's it?

-That's it.

-This is going to take a miracle.

-Six orders table...

They'll eat what we've got.

Right.

Bread for you, sir. Have a menu.

About the menu, there's not a lot that we've actually got

so I'll bring you the best thing that we have.

Waiter!

Yes.

Will it be much longer? We would like to get home before Christmas.

It shouldn't be, but in the meantime...

..have some bread. Enjoy.

-How's it going?

-It's in the oven. All I can do now is hope.

-Not you.

-Side dishes look good. Where's the rest?

-Ha-ha.

That's everything, isn't it?

You're really going to have to work that silver tongue of yours

-if we're going to pull this off.

-Don't worry.

Leave it to the master.

Grub's up. Enjoy.

Sorry for the delay. This might not be exactly what you ordered.

Something is better than nothing, I suppose.

-Voila!

-Oh!

-A bit small, isn't it?

-Small, there's always one, isn't there?

-It's about quality, not quantity.

-Is that right?

-You never heard of petit bouche dining?

-Party what?

Petit bouche dining. It's exclusive small portions.

It's massive in the big city restaurants.

-That's what I keep telling you, Terry.

-Listen to the missus.

He's so unsophisticated.

Course I've heard of it.

Lovely. Best party food I've ever had.

-Superb.

-My compliments to the chef.

Bakers, your time is up.

Presentation wise, Dylan, this is appalling.

Ha! Mine's appalling. Oh, yeah.

Now that's more like it. Beautiful crisp meringue.

-I think we have a winner.

-Ha!

-In your face, Dylan.

-But first, the tasting.

Bit bland. Your curd is curdled. Pretty average, I'd say.

Now for this bad boy.

It's full of salt.

Ha-ha! In your face, I used brown sugar.

-Sorry, Esme, but Dylan's the winner.

-I demand a rematch.

-Well?

-I'm sorry but...

-..they loved it.

-Seriously?

-Seriously.

I had to talk them around a bit,

but you know Rich could sell ice to Eskimos.

Who needs a 300-year-old cookbook when you've got natural talent?

-We make a good team.

-Yeah, what a team.

Listen, I'm sorry I didn't give you enough credit.

-I couldn't have done it without you.

-It's all right.

Sorry I went behind your back about Mr Escoffier.

Speaking of which, we need one more final meal to impress the critic.

-What?

-One more meal.

Please tell me there's something left.

I thought one of them was for him.

-You don't suppose...

-No.

Pudding.

We have to give him something.

RICH COUGHS

Monsieur, I'm so sorry about the wait.

Yours took a little bit longer

because we wanted to give you the speciality of the house.

Jimmy!

Dinner sandwiches. I've got curry, spag bol, chilli too.

Or it could be stew.

By heck. That looks lovely. Give me some of that spag bol.

I thought you were going to palm me off with that arty farty nonsense,

but this is proper grub and large portions too.

There you go, sir.

Dinner sandwiches.

It's amazing somebody hadn't thought of it before.

-Did you say chilli?

-I'll have the curry.

-One at a time.

-Do you have any puddings?

-Glad you asked.

Lemon meringue, anyone?

I knew this would be a hit. Just for you, boom.

I can't believe you got away with it.

Yeah, Mr Escoffier promised us

-a five-star write-up in the morning paper.

-Wow, that's great.

You'll probably get ten times as many customers tomorrow night.

-Dani!

-Oh, that's my cue. How's my make-up?

-Yeah, fine.

-Got to go.

Laters.

-I forgot all about tomorrow night.

-Ten times as many customers.

-And not just tomorrow night.

-Seven nights a week.

-Every week.

-Serving dinner sandwiches.

You know, I'm not really sure that restaurant idea of yours

-was all that good, Rich.

-My idea? It was your idea.

You know what,

I think it's quite nice living in a castle that's falling apart.

I know what you mean. The castle's got character, isn't it?

More of a sense of history.

Right, that settles it. I'm closing the restaurant down.

Hey, Rich! I nearly forgot. I had an idea.

-Forget it, it's not the right time.

-No, go on.

-Castle Laser Quest.

-Sweet.

Fill the corridors with some dry ice, add UV lights, charge entry.

-That ain't a bad idea, you know. That could be a winner.

-Really?

-Wooh!

And here we go again.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd