Back to Bogmoor Dani's Castle

And our number one worst birthday present is...

a set of Katy Perry's false teeth.

Well, that's it from the Rich and Jimmy show live on Bogmoor FM.

Taking us out is one from Pharrell...

Pharrell "The Hat" Williams.

HE BURPS

This goes out to absent friends.

I never thought I'd say it but I'd give my left ankle

to hear one of Gabe's rubbish harmonium tunes.

Probably scared pantless by one of Esme's pranks.

I mean, the castle feels so empty without them and Dani.

I know what you mean, cuz.

Heck, at least we're getting a lot of fan mail.

They're all for Gabe.

Look, the listeners want to know where he's gone.

Why do they keep sending letters?

Hasn't anyone in this town ever heard of the e-mail?

Listen, why don't we hang today?

Sorry, cuz, you know.

I've got a date with a certain special somebody.

Of course, big day.

I'm really happy for you guys.

Yeah, I mean...

we're pretty special together.

But you're all right to finish up, yeah?

You can leave it to the J-Dog.

I meant that. No, I meant that..

Oh, that cake must have really upset you.

I thought you was way more chill

since Dani gave you her share of the castle.

I am. I love living in the castle, but this isn't a cake.

Please don't tell me you've forgotten.

As if I've forgotten today.

It's your birthday, right?

Rich! Today's the day I launch my new animal snacks business.

Oh, I know, I know. Kait's Bakes, yeah?

Yep, just whipping up a batch of free cat cookies

to hand out around Bogmoor.

So, hang on, don't tell me YOU'VE forgotten.

Forgotten what?

Our one month anniversary.

SHE LAUGHS

Who celebrates a one month anniversary?

We do! We do, obviously.

As if I'd forget.

Well, I've got you an anniversary/business launching gift.

Oh, Rich, you didn't have to.

-You've got....

-Oh, thanks.

And I got you...

I got you...

this!

Happy anniversary.

Just what I always wanted.

Why don't we do something today?

Great idea! Why don't WE...

stir this batch of cat cookies?

Yeah, well, I was thinking more along the lines of like a date day.

Well, yeah. OK, let's finish these and I'm there.

LIGHTS ZAP

Either we forgot to pay the electricity bill

or Dylan's up to something again.

PANS CLANG

-That's definitely Dylan.

-Yeah.

I'd better go and see what he's doing.

Yeah, and I'll finish up my fishy treats

-and we can get on with our date day.

-You're the best.

Fishy treats for cats?

I'm going to be inundated.

I've had enough trouble with cats this year already.

Poor Diego.

Taken before his time.

If only I, Carlos - scourge of the feline world,

had been here to save him.

You know, he never did get the message

that cats are bad girlfriend material.

Yeah, especially when you're a mouse.

But still,

glad I've got big, brave Carlos here to keep me company now.

Meow!

And now the entire castle

is rigged with cat-cam,

cats will never sneak up on us again.

Rarr!

Ahh!

SHE LAUGHS

Not funny.

Dylan. Dylan, what are you up to?

Bruv, what have I told you about the electricity bill?

Look, whatever this stuff does, it's costing us a fortune.

This stuff is helping me contact the other side.

Gabe and Esme, they've finally officially passed on.

But I've been picking up readings of spiritual energy all week.

What if they're trying to come back?

I know you miss your best friend and...

What?

This has got more lights than a Lady Gaga show.

Another reading...

from right here in the castle.

It must be them!

Bruv, wait. wait!

Will you just wait?

False alarm.

Look I'll make a deal with you.

You can carry on with the experiment, right?

As long as you don't ruin the date.

Look, you won't even know I'm here today -

cross my heart and hope to become a ghost.

I don't want to hear a peep, all right?

All right.

It's the work phone, somebody must have seen my website.

It only went live today. Jimmy, what do I do?

Well, maybe answer it.

Right, yeah, answer it, just answer it.

Hello, Kait's Bakes,

how may we assist your pet in their foodie delight?

'Hello it's The Sanctuary For Lonely Dogs here,

'I need 500 doggy treats by tomorrow.'

Yeah, certainly. Yeah, we can definitely do that, yeah.

Just e-mail your details and we'll get right on it.

Thanks very much, bye.

So, who was that?

The Sanctuary For Lonely Dogs.

They want 500 of my doggy delights by tomorrow.

An epic order like that on your first day?

Go on, then, Kait.

I'm never going to manage this order and spend time with Rich.

-So, ready for some me and you time, eh?

-Mm-hmm.

Everything all right?

Yes, everything's fine, of course it's fine, why would it not be fine?

Everything is wonderful.

DOORBELL CHIMES

Yeah, I... I'd better go get that.

Yeah. Thanks.

-Guess who!

-Clare?

-Surprise!

Oh, oh, can't breathe, ahh.

Well, when did you get back?

Flew in from Bali yesterday. Well, I think it was yesterday.

The jet lag it's turned my brain into major blancmange.

-Well, you look pretty good for it.

-For real?

I've got such bags under my eyes.

I thought they were going to charge me for excess baggage.

So, how was travelling the world?

Three words. A-maz-ing.

You have not seen a sunset until you've seen a sunset

whilst being chased down a beach by a load of wild monkeys.

Sounds like paradise.

So, this is the place, eh?

I couldn't believe it when you texted me

to say you actually own Bogmoor Castle.

Part own.

Well, I love it. It's totally fairy tale.

Yep, just call me Kait-arella.

Um, it's not haunted, is it?

No, not any more.

ANGELIC CHOIR SINGS

Hi guys, this is Clare - my best friend from school.

This is Rich, my boyfriend and co-owner of the castle.

Hi, Clare, nice to meet you.

I've heard a lot about you, you know? All good.

Phew, that's a relief.

And I'm the Co-co-owner.

The name's Jimmy, but you can call me whenever you like.

Salutations, my pomme de terre special.

My French is a little bit rusty,

did you just say, "Greetings, my special potato?"

Don't ask me, I don't speak French.

Here, take a flier.

Tell everyone to tune into the Rich and Jimmy show on Bogmoor FM.

-We've got our own radio station.

-Oh, I love it.

Kait, have you got time to show me around?

Well, me and Rich were kind of going to spend the day together

but I guess I can still do that after I've shown you around. Rich?

Yeah, that's cool.

Bravo, that's that sorted then.

Scientific experiment coming through.

Clare, this is Dylan.

My little brother - who promised he'd stay out of the way today.

I'm just trying to find a weak spot of the spiritual realms,

so I can find Gabe and Esme.

Who are Gabe and Esme?

Oh, they're these two gho..

-Phers!

-Gophers.

We have a gopher infestation.

And we gave them names.

Yeah, anyway ready for that tour?

Adieu, ma fuse gigantesque.

"Farewell, my gigantic space rocket?"

Whatever.

Totally cannot wait to tell you about this awesome pedicure

-I got in Thailand.

-Right.

The dead skin was nibbled off my feet by...

porcupines.

Sounds disgusting.

Yeah, kind of was.

Now, that's my kind of girl.

Cute, sweet as sugar, and didn't immediately hate me.

And now Kate's spending the whole day with her instead of me.

Take it easy on her, cuz, she's got a lot on her plate.

First you, now Clare, and then

that massive order she took from Kait's Bakes and...

Jimmy, what order?

If you don't tell me,

your new jeans are going in the washing machine, mate.

Whoa, they're hand wash only.

OK. She just got this massive order for doggy delights

that needs to be in by Monday.

Why didn't she mention it?

Probably didn't want to disappoint you.

Well, I've got to help her out.

Think. I've got to use some Richie magic right now.

Need a hand there, cuz?

I wouldn't mind helping to get the family back together.

Well, I could do with an assistant.

My calculations are at a critical stage.

Heck, I've got so little on, I'm practically nude.

Ohh, TMI.

Let's go find our friends Professor Von Dylan-stein.

You run an animal snack business?

Wow-a-mundo. My Kait has come so far since we were at school.

Do you remember when we always used to get in trouble at school

for laughing at Mrs O'Grady's beard.

Personally, I still think it was a dead squirrel on her chin.

Oh, I'm so glad you're back. Travelling's really changed you.

It's totally broadened my horizons,

but I have missed having a best friend to share it all with, though.

Tell me about it.

Since Dani's been gone, it's been like Macho Central around here.

-See what I mean?

-Er... Oh!

Stinks.

You and Rich seem like a cute couple, though?

Yeah, it's hard though.

I mean, something always gets in the way of us spending time together.

Well, relationships are tough.

I should know, I once went out with this totally spiritual guy, right,

and he insisted that I shave my head

so that my mind could breathe more easily.

Weird.

Who's that guy?

Oh, right, yeah he's just...

one of Rich's ancestors.

I forget his name.

Sorry, Gabe.

Don't touch that!

Honestly, you're all fingers.

So, what do you need me to do?

Come with me.

Pick out one of Gabe's outfits and put it on.

You want me to dress up as Gabe?

Look, I miss him as well but getting me to dress up as him

is a little bit weird.

Yeah, but if you look more like him,

we may be able to contact Gabe through you.

Seriously, cuz, I don't think I can pull off lacy ghost.

Look.

Eurgh.

It's that, or you dress up as Esme.

Gabe works, Gabe works.

Blech!

SMOKE ALARM BLARES

BOTH: Oh, no, no, no.

Oh, Rich!

I'm so sorry!

What have you done?

Look, Jimmy told me about the big order and I thought I'd get

a head start so we have more time for us.

I'm going to have even less time now.

-I've to clean the oven and start over.

-OK, you two!

Group meeting.

Kait, how about you knock up another batch

and I'll totally watch over them?

That way you two can have your date.

I don't know, Clare.

Oh, I'll even tell you as soon as the dingy thing goes off

so you can take them out yourself.

-I mean, what could possibly go wrong?

-Eh?

You'll tell me the very second that they're ready?

You can totes rely on me, I am, like, way responsible.

HE LAUGHS

-Are you sure?

-The very second.

All right, well, I'll go get set up for the day and,

Clare, I owe you one.

Exciting in here, isn't it?

Oh, all that talk of animal treats is making me hungry.

-The coast is clear if you want to go forage.

-Good.

And I've knocked together a little something for extra safety.

What do you think?

You probably don't want to know.

These are my anti-cat goggles.

They show an image over your shoulder

in case a cat sneaks up from behind.

What if a cat sneaks up from in front?

Even better, then I'd grab him by the whiskers.

SHE GIGGLES

If anyone ever sees me like this, I'll never live it down.

Stop complaining. Get in the chair.

Fine, just hurry up. I feel my credibility slipping away.

All right. Now, I'm going to ask you a series of questions

that only Gabe would know the answers to.

I'm going to see if I can contact Gabe through you.

Yeah, because that totally doesn't creep me out or anything.

Can you feel that?

Yeah, I do. It really tickles.

That means it's working.

Now, close your eyes and imagine you're Gabe.

I am Gabe, an 18th century dandy

who can't play the harmonium.

We have to increase the power.

Hehe, that really tickles.

It's just electrostatic.

Stop it. I can't... I can't...

HE SIGHS

We can't do this with you squirming.

What's that?

ENERGY DETECTOR BEEPS

There's a massive surge of energy

coming from somewhere in the castle.

Let's go!

-HE MIMICS:

-Let's go.

I meant that.

Heart shaped chocolates -

check.

Magical fairy lights -

check.

Roses -

check.

Ah, general romantic ambience -

checkity check.

Start with a slow walk around the castle grounds

before returning to a candlelit takeaway and a rom-com.

It's coming from somewhere in here.

What happened to me not wanting to know you're here?

This is important.

Why are you dressed as Gabe?

Reasons. Never mind. Dylan's readings are off the scale.

Gabe and Esme may be trying to cross back over again.

Bruv, seriously.

Cuz, we might be getting the family back together.

It's located here.

Now, Jimmy, on the count of three, open it up.

Wait, why me?

Oh, just do it.

One...two...

Poltergeist! Poltergeist!

-Run!

-Watch the poltergeist!

-Whoa!

-No!

Not the roses!

ORNAMENT SMASHES

POLTERGEIST ROARS

Oh, no.

He got out the wrong side of bed.

I think he always gets out of the wrong side of the bed.

Look out!

I hope Rich doesn't think my business means more to me than him.

I didn't even get him a proper anniversary present.

Hang on.

TOY SQUEAKS

You could give him this.

-What is it?

-It's this totally weird and mysterious

puzzle thing I got in Beijing.

I was going to give it to my dad but you can have it.

How does it work? What's the puzzle?

Don't know, maybe Rich could solve it.

-True. Thanks, Clare.

-You're welcome.

Can't breathe, can't breathe, can't breathe!

Look at this place, it's wrecked.

Only a bit.

Oh, nice going, bruv.

Guess it wasn't Gabe and Esme.

No, because Gabe and Esme are never ever coming back.

You don't know that.

Look, bruv, if you stay stuck like this

you're never going to make another best friend.

I don't want another best friend.

-I want Esme.

-Dylan, wait!

Look there's a whole world out there of interests to have,

new people to meet.

It's called growing up, Dylan.

Thanks for nothing, Rich.

Bruv, wait.

He doesn't get it, Trafford.

I've lost my best friend.

Look, bruv, I'm sorry, yeah?

It's all right for you, you don't miss them.

Look, of course I do,

but Gabe and Esme wouldn't want us putting our life on hold.

Look, remember that summer I broke my leg?

You were all like, "Yeah, I can skateboard standing on my head."

And then you were all wriggling on the ground

like an upturned tortoise.

Yeah, yeah, well, the point is,

everybody was out playing

and, well, I had to stay in.

I'd do anything to get that summer back.

Look, the longer you spend looking for Gabe and Esme,

the more life's going to pass you by too.

I thought I could bring them home.

Maybe your research could be used for something else.

You're right. There must be other mysteries I can solve.

Yeah, but without upsetting the poltergeist

and without racking up big energy bills, eh?

You've got it. Thanks, Rich.

Come here. I'm sorry, little man.

So, Trafford, what should we look for first?

The Loch Ness Monster, Bigfoot

or the legendary Bogmoor cow-tipper?

Yes!

So, Clare-monger, how do you like MY castle?

Oh, I love it, it's crazy retro,

and so is that outfit.

This old thing?

I mean, all the top DJs wear this, you know.

Lace in your face.

Oh, yeah, I can dance too, you know.

Can you dance in that outfit?

Yeah, and I can do this.

HE BEATBOXES

I totally learnt how to beatbox in Malaysia.

Check this out.

SHE BEATBOXES POORLY AND COUGHS

Yeah, that was beatboxing.

-Yeah.

-ALARM RINGS

Oh, that'll be Kait's bakes, I'd better go get her.

-Wait, you can't go get her, she's on a date with Rich.

-I made a promise.

Yeah, and how much happier do you think she'd be

if we did her whole order?

Look, the recipe's on the fridge,

and the J-Dog knows a little bit about cooking.

Check out this quatra-deck pizza I made.

How do you even eat that?

With great difficulty.

Ooh, cat milk.

My favourite sort of milk.

OK, either a herd of wild elephants ran through here

or there was a poltergeist attack.

Yep.

-What's behind your back?

-Your real anniversary present.

Ta-da. It's an ancient Chinese puzzle thingy

because I know how you like to have your mind stretched.

This is cool, thank you.

My fingers are stuck.

OK, let me see, let me see.

OK. One, two, three, pull!

Ahh, you're not helping.

OK, right, let's try something different, OK. Twist.

Esme. You were the best friend I ever had.

I won't ever forget you.

Time to move on.

Jimmy where's the tool box?

Cuz, cuz, mate, I fix everything with sticky tape.

I even mended the broken shelf that way.

GLASSES AND POTS CLANG AND SMASH

So, did you like your Chinese finger trap, Rich?

Finger trap?

Kait, why would you give us a finger trap for our anniversary?

I didn't know it was a finger trap.

Ooh, my bad.

Sort of gave it to Kait.

I didn't realise it could literally trap someone's fingers.

Well, the clue's kind of in the name.

-Wait, how are the dog treats coming along?

-Good, have a look.

Wait, you got them out of the oven without me?

Yeah we've got it locked down, Kait. We even put the next batch in.

I couldn't have done it without Jimmy's help.

It was your idea to form a production line.

And it was your idea to pre-grease all the baking trays,

-that saved loads of time.

-I don't really mean to interrupt but

does anybody know how to get this thing off?

-ALARM RINGS

-Oh! Be with you in a minute, Rich.

In a minute?

-Well?

-Might need a few more minutes.

Erm, you two love birds just go and enjoy your day.

Ow! Cuz, careful.

Look, I want to see the dog treats.

That's probably not a good idea.

I can't sell these.

Look, it's totally my fault,

I shouldn't have let Jimmy distract me with his showing off.

I was showing off? You was going on about

-all the celebrities you met on your travels.

-I so wasn't.

"Ooh, Jay-Z once smiled at me in a shopping mall."

He did... I think.

Right that's it. I obviously can't rely on anybody but myself.

Rich, the date's cancelled, I've got to stay here

and fix these dog treats.

Look, why don't we all chip in and

you can look over it and make sure everything's all right, yeah?

You'd do that?

Well, we're going to be together forever and there'll be other dates.

Rich, where's the tool box?

# We were close as hell

# You mug yourself as well

# Amazed that you can't tell

# Well, frankly I'm just disappointed

# I just get disappointed

# Well, frankly I'm just disappointed

# I just get disappointed. #

-You did it, Kait.

-No, we did it.

I mean, we work so well as a team,

I wonder what else we could achieve.

World peace.

Or invent a new colour.

Or we could put our heads together

and take Bogmoor FM to the next level.

Yeah we can get some of Clare's celebrity friends

-to do a guest spot.

-Yeah, yeah, my... my celebrity friends.

Your present! I forgot to open it.

Oh, I'm so excited. OK.

Oh, Rich, it's perfect.

See, I told you I wouldn't forget your business launching, didn't I?

So, how do I look?

This time next year, they'll all be wearing it on the Paris catwalks.

-Oh, thanks, Rich.

-What do I get?

Can I be the first to say "Yuck?"

Where are you going with all that?

I'm chucking it out. My ghost hunting days are over, remember?

Did he just say ghost hunting?

Oh, it's OK, I'm not doing it any more.

Because you've realised ghosts aren't real.

Isn't that right, Dylan?

Oh, right, yeah. Ghosts aren't real.

Loving the light show.

It shouldn't be doing that, it's not even plugged in.

This can mean only one thing.

Please tell me this is Bogmoor's first ever earthquake.

It's more likely to be the poltergeist that lives here.

The what?!

Well, you were going to find out about it sooner or later.

You are joking about the poltergeist, right?

Poltergeist! Why didn't you ever tell me that the castle had ghosts?

You wouldn't have come to stay if I'd told you.

Something's coming through.

What sort of something?

What's going on here?

Gabe?

We're back.

Master Jimmy, are you wearing my clothes?

BOTH: Yeah!

Esme!

Oh, dear.