Ghost Swappers Dani's Castle

CREAKING

CREAKING

Found anything good yet?

Lots of dust and cobwebs, if that's your thing.

Keep looking. There's always something cool in the secret room.

The first Earl of Bogmoor kept all of his inventions in here.

Couldn't he keep them in a shed, like normal people?

-What's this?

-Oh.

It's just a clock.

A really old, spooky clock.

Do you think it's got magic powers?

TICKING

It still works.

-SHE COUGHS

-Who cares, anyway?

Clocks just tell you when it's time to stop having fun.

Now we're talking.

-Ole!

-Oh, that's so cool.

..And that is when I learnt the hard way

that monkeys do not like having their hair braided.

You've been listening to Clare Was There on Bogmoor FM.

-And this has been...

-Master Rich... Oh!

-Shh!

This has been the Rich And Jimmy Show. I've been Rich.

And I've been Jimmy. Totes confusing.

Laters, Bogmoor. JINGLE PLAYS

Master Rich, I finished my latest Ghostel advertisement.

Where would you display a poster advertising a hotel for ghosts?

Graveyards, hospitals, undertakers.

I was going to ask if someone could put them up for me.

It's a bit wordy, though, isn't it?

Way wordy, and you spelt "hereby" wrong, too.

Better luck next time, hey, Gabe?

Too wordy.

Fine.

Toro...

SHE GROWLS

Really?

Dylan!

Oh, I wish I could do that.

Cha-a-arge!

Cheers for that(!)

You two have just trashed a whole order of Bone Bites.

-How did you know it was us?

-Well, who else would it be?

You two are like a tornado with a behaviour problem.

Ghosts are not interested in modern advertisement slogans.

Look, what's wrong

with, "Visit the Ghostel, the rave beyond the grave", eh?

Boys, enough! My doctor says I have really sensitive ears

and they are not supposed to be exposed to bickering.

What is that?

Oh, it's this really weird old clock we found in the old secret room.

-It's totally hideous.

-Hideously cool, you mean.

Well, if the Earl invented it, it's definitely no ordinary clock.

It could be dangerous.

-You reckon? Wicked!

-What if it's a time machine?

I don't want to think about the mayhem

you'd cause with a time machine.

You say mayhem. We...

..say party-ayhem!

BONG!

Does anyone else feel that rumbling?

You know what? That might be me, you know. I skipped breakfast.

BONG!

Castle-quake!

BONG!

Is everyone all right? Dylan?

Slight bruising to the left hip.

Minor sprain of the right wrist.

But, in short, I'll live.

-"I'm fine" would have done.

-That was wicked. Let's go again.

Worst clock ever.

No-one would stay in bed if that thing went off.

So, does anybody know what just happened?

Kait, how did you do that?

-How DID I do that?

-DYLAN GASPS

-Kait?

-She teleported.

DYLAN: It's definitely not the poltergeist.

-What's going on?

-You've got ghost powers.

-Did you die?

-I don't think so. I'd remember something like that.

Let's just stop and think, yeah? Everybody just stay calm.

-Rich?

-Bruv!

Oh, heavens.

-Don't panic.

-Rich is a ghost, too?

Don't panic. Everybody stop panicking.

I shall find him.

Awesome!

-SHE CHUCKLES

-Still awesome. Keep going.

Pain.

I haven't felt pain since...

I'm alive.

What is going on?

-And by the looks of it, you are, too, Leonie.

-Huh?

After centuries...

I am a human again.

HE SNIFFS

I can smell things.

I have air in my lungs.

This is wonderful.

-Clare, come to me.

-Whoa, Gabester!

I know I'm fragrant like roses and rainbows,

but that is a big invasion of personal space.

-What's going on?

-You and me are ghosts.

Not fair. I want ghost powers.

Look, it's your fault for poking around that Earl's secret room.

Perhaps there is a clue to this mystery in the clock.

Careful!

Oh, heavens!

Rich, we might need that clock.

I forgot ghosts need to concentrate before holding things.

Yeah, well, blame Gabe. He dropped it.

I'm not used to my body being so solid yet.

It feels so lumpy and uncoordinated, so...human.

-Human!

-This probably isn't good.

I need to go.

Kait, wait!

Dylan, Dylan, Dylan.

Dylan...

..I'm human.

You don't say!

I'm human!

We touched.

THEY LAUGH

I wonder how it would feel to be somebody else.

I don't want to know how it feels to be you.

I've seen your personal habits.

We should pretend to be cats.

You want me to dress up as my mortal enemy?

Well...

They say, to know your enemy, you should become your enemy,

so close your eyes and make like a cat.

Feeling catty?

Meow.

Meow.

Me-me-me-meow!

Here, mousey, mousey, mousey.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. You're taking this way too seriously.

SHE SCREAMS

-Whoa! Teleporting's weird.

-Out of my way. I need some air.

Ghosts don't need air. Look, Gabe and Leonie don't leave the castle.

You step one foot outside that door and you could stop existing.

Why has this happened, Rich? I can hardly feel my body.

It's like it's there, but it's not at the same time.

This is how Gabe and Leonie must feel all the time.

-You need to look on the bright side.

-There's a bright side?

At least we're ghosts together.

I could think of worse people to spend eternity with.

Look, we changed into ghosts and I'm sure we can change back, right.

Look, until we figure it out, why don't we just try and enjoy it?

You always try and see the positives.

That's me. Mr Ray Of Sunshine.

-Teleport race?

-Let's go.

SQUEAKING

GABE CHUCKLES

I'd forgotten how whimsical gravity could be.

THUD!

Think of all the other things we can do now.

I can go outside and find newts to put in people's beds.

And I could compose romantic poems on long walks across the fields...

feeling the sunlight.

And I can go to the toilet! Yes!

Make sure you wash your hands.

SHE GASPS

Seriously not coping here.

OK, so, according to this journal, the Earl made the clock

so, once every 50 years, ghosts could temporarily turn human again.

So, the only way to do that is to swap back with a human.

So, this is not forever?

Just until the sun sets.

-Except...

-Except what?

If we don't fix it by dusk, things will be stuck like this forever.

Well, you'd better get fixing it, then, bruv.

-Yeah, you can do it, Dylan.

-OK, so NOW everybody needs me.

I propose that, for now, we make the most of the situation.

My best friend just became a ghost.

-How do I make the most of that?

-Stay busy.

Look, you've still got a radio show to put on

and, well, I need something to do.

I might even have a go at running the Ghostel.

I mean, I learnt a lot before Gabe, and what can go wrong?

Well, in that case,

seeing as I'm alive again,

I shall do your radio show for you.

Wait, you want to take my spot on Bogmoor FM?

I mean, you don't even know who Tinie Tempah is.

Is he very small and angry?

No. No, he's a rapper.

Tinie Tempah's a rapper? See? I'm already learning.

All right, fine. Just don't mess it up, all right?

That will never happen, Master Rich.

SHE LAUGHS

Oh, just making the best of our situation.

Here, newty, newty, newty, newty.

Here, newty, newty, newty, newty.

-Seriously miss this.

-BIRD SQUAWKS

-SHE CHUCKLES

-Even miss that.

Bring it on, nature.

So, your best friend's a ghost, that's fine.

It's totes normal.

Happens all the time, right.

-Hi, Clare!

-CLARE GASPS

Enough with the scaring. Please!

Do you know, I'm really starting to see

why Esme and Leonie enjoy having ghost powers so much.

-Do you want to hang out?

-Er, I don't know. I'm kind of busy.

I lost my shoe and I need to find it.

But you're wearing both shoes.

Don't know what you're talking about. SHE CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY

Is this because I'm a ghost?

No, I am totally fine with you being a dead-o.

I'm really fine, it's not freaky at all.

Look, I might be a ghost, but this is still me.

I mean, it's just a me with really cool ghost powers

and I can do stuff like this.

ELECTRICAL CRACKLING

MUSIC VOLUME RISES AND FALLS

CHAIRS SQUEAK

Cos that's not remotely terrifying(!)

If I'm going to be a ghost,

-I might as well try and be the best ghost ever.

-Great idea!

You go do that somewhere really far away from me

and I'll stay right here.

Okey-doke, will do. Bye.

I want my friend back.

Yo, yo, yo, yo.

DJ Gabe da Babe is alive and well... in the house.

Right, well, when you say DJ, you mean "definitely joking", right?

Swaggery boo boo...balu.

This day just gets even weirder.

High-five.

Ooh.

'Whoa, Richie boy, someone needs to get some sun.'

Sorry about the indoor complexion.

Turns out I'm a ghost now, and so's Kait.

'You died? Wait, let me guess. Your big head exploded.'

Ha-ha(!) Look, it's a long story.

Look, I just need your advice. I'm in charge of the Ghostel.

'My brother left YOU in charge of his beloved Ghostel?

'Has the world turned upside down?'

I want your take on these posters that I knocked up, eh?

'No.'

Huh? You know I'm the man!

-'Just no.'

-What's wrong with them?

I'm just trying to bring things up-to-date a bit.

'Ghosts like tradition. I mean, look at my brother.

'He's so stuck in his ways that he's practically welded into place.'

Well, maybe it's time we tried something new.

'Fine, do what you want.

'You're the great business genius.

'But don't say I didn't tell you so.'

-Boo!

-Whoa!

I just love being a ghost!

'Hey, that's MY line.'

This is impossible, Trafford.

I've only got six hours to fix the clock.

And, if I can't, my brother's a ghost forever.

And now Leonie's human, she can leave the castle and never come back.

HE SIGHS

Those were the freshest,

most hippity-hoppity stylings from the Lord Justin of Timberlake.

Now I shall entertain thee with a rap sonnet of my own composing.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

A nonny nonny no, a nonny nonny hey

My name is Gabe and I'm alive today

A nonny nonny...

-JINGLE PLAYS

-What are you doing?!

Stopping you from driving away our listeners.

Look, Gabe...

Buddy, pal, yeah?

You're human. Why do you want to be cooped up in here, anyway?

Well...

in truth, after centuries in this castle,

I'd much rather be outside.

I've been itching to get outside ever since I became alive.

Then why don't you go and do that? This is your big chance.

This castle has protected me for centuries.

Leaving it now would be an enormous step.

Well, I could always help you, hold your hand.

Not literally, obviously.

You'd accompany me on my first journey beyond this walls?

Sure. It would be my honour.

Wonderful!

I shall prepare us a sumptuous picnic feast

with my own human hands.

High-five!

Ow.

Yes, I can touch.

Touch, touch. Touch.

HE STRUMS

-Oh!

-Oh!

Touch, touch.

Oi, I need your help.

You need my help? That's a first.

Thought I might wander down to the village, cause some mischief,

see who there is to hang out with.

Won't all your friends from the '70s be grown up now?

Exactly, I need to make new mates

and I'm going to need to know how to dress.

That's where you come in.

Since when did I become an advice service for the newly alive?

'And another thing. We're not all scary, you know?

'That sort of horror movie stereotype

'is exactly the sort of thing that gives ghosts a bad name.'

Look, and as I've told all the other angry customers,

-look, I didn't mean any...

-'Bones, dripping blood, cobwebs.

'We don't want to be constantly reminded

-'that we're dead, you know?'

-But, hello! You ARE dead.

'I was coming to your Ghostel to try and get away from all that.

'But, no, you have to rub my face in it.'

-I'm sorry.

-'Well, too late.

'I suggest you get some more experience

'before you try running a Ghostel.'

Look, wait...

Right, now, no peeking. Shut your eyes.

Shut your eyes, turn around.

Ta-da!

See? There WAS a pretty girl under that unruly, mischievous tomboy.

This is definitely what 21st-century girls are wearing?

-Yeah, totally.

-Great.

No, actually, one more thing. Wait there. One more thing.

Ah, no... Uh...

Flowers ain't very me.

Trust me.

Right, all the kids in town will be like, "Who IS that girl?"

"Did she fall into a rosebush or something?"

Goodness, Leonie, you look just like Clare.

Well, at least I don't look like you.

Look, plan is to let my new human mates think I'm a 21st-century girl.

Then whammy! Introduce them to a world of high jinks.

KNUCKLES CRACK

Enjoy your picnic, losers.

-HE SIGHS

-Milady.

-Hello.

I have prepared us a most sumptuous feast.

Pickled quail eggs,

peacock pies,

roast marrowbone with snails

and chicken oysters.

-Have you got any crisps.

-Sorry, what?

SHE CHUCKLES You're right! Being a cat IS fun.

I'm starting to see my enemy from a whole different perspective.

Stop hogging the wool.

-SHE CHUCKLES

-Stop hogging the wool.

Share it, or I will be forced...

-SHE HISSES

-Fine.

Fine. Have the wool.

What would I want with it, anyway?

What would a fearsome cat hunter like me want with a ball of wool?

BIRD CAWS

This is way harder than I thought, Trafford.

-LOL?

-Laugh out loud.

Great! And ROFL?

Rub our feet loudly.

Roll on the floor laughing.

This is impossible.

I still have so much to learn about being human.

-Hey, guys.

-SHE GASPS

-What's wrong?

-You keep scaring us.

That's the whole point of being a ghost, isn't it?

I never scared anyone.

Yeah, yeah, but I've got these really cool ghost powers

so why not use them to the fullest potential?

And that's using them to scare people, is it?

What about Kait's Bakes?

Shouldn't you be thinking about that order that got trashed?

Yeah, true...

Well, how many opportunities do you get to experience being a ghost?

I've never felt so free.

-Look at you.

-So, what are you doing?

A picnic, Lady Kaitlin. Obviously, we would invite you,

but given your current predicament...

-HE SNIFFS

-I had forgotten this.

I had lost so many small pleasures.

I shall never take being alive for granted.

Ladies first?

DOOR SLAMS

You jester!

Gravity.

Ahh!

I never want this to end.

-Gabe?

-Ah!

-BOTH:

-Cheers!

-Atchoo!

-Ooh!

Bless you.

My hay fever. I had forgotten about my hay fever. How funny.

Atchoo!

Maybe we should kind of move away from the flowers?

Atchoo!

I agree.

INSECT BUZZES

Is that a bee?

Oh, no, it's just a midge.

Bee. That's a bee.

It's a giant bee. It's going to get me.

Keep away from me, you monster.

It's a midge.

Bee, bee. See?

Oh! Don't swat it. You'll just make it angry.

Look, if I can put up with mosquitoes in my gap year, then you can...

But it's huge.

It's the whale of the bee kingdom. It's a tiger with wings.

-You can't even see it.

-Get away from me.

The picnic...

Nettles.

Ah! Ah!

Nettles! Oh!

-You all right, Gabe?

-So much stinging.

BIRD CAWS

DOOR OPENS

How was your pic...?

Whoa, what happened to your face?

He had a tiny encounter with some nettles.

-And a bee.

-It wasn't a bee.

HE SNEEZES VIOLENTLY

The outside world is lethal.

There are so many stinging things and things which make you...

Ah..

-Atchoo!

-Bless you.

..sneeze.

I'd forgotten how tired you get all the time as a human.

I'm sick of having to walk up and downstairs and opening doors.

And now my bladder is full.

Atchoo.

I've had better picnics.

Look, Clare, I'm sorry I kept scaring you.

I just got carried away.

No, I'm sorry that I'm sort of totes scared of you.

I just want everything to go back to normal.

It's lonely being a ghost without a best friend.

I'm still your best friend.

Seriously?

Dead serious, with "dead" being the operative word.

Oh, er...

-Friends.

-Yeah.

DOOR OPENS

DOOR CLOSES What happened?

Your clothes happened.

The kids in the village said I dressed weird.

No, you dress like an individual.

You told me these were modern clothes.

They are. Sort of.

I can't help it if I dress a little retro.

And then they made fun of me because I said I didn't go to school.

Does that mean I'll have to go to school?

That I'm going to grow up?

And get a job.

Maybe even get married.

No. I was happy being stuck as kid, even if it was a ghost kid.

Well, let's hope Dylan fixes that clock.

Please tell me you fixed that clock.

He's no further than he was hours ago.

What? I don't want to be a ghost any more.

I thought if I tried to have fun and scare people, like Leonie and Esme,

I'd start to get used to it, but it's just made me feel lonely.

I really miss my horse.

I miss my video games.

The controller keeps slipping through my fingers.

I don't want stay in here while everybody else is having fun.

Tell me about it.

Leonie's gone off to make new friends...without me.

There. I think I've done it.

Ah, this is impossible!

Look, impossible is your speciality.

He's right. If anybody can fix that clock, you can.

-I believe in you, little man.

-And so do I.

The sun's almost down.

Come on, Master Dylan. You can do this.

Of course he can do it.

He's smarter than the lot of yous put together.

-And that's why he's my best friend.

-Thanks, Leonie.

HE PUFFS

Be gentle.

Atchoo!

TICKING

There, it's in.

-Well, has it worked?

-Well, nothing's happening.

BONG!

Ow!

BONG!

TICKING

My stings - they're gone.

I can't feel pain any more.

-My bladder is no longer full.

-And I can do this again.

-Great!

-Do you want to do it, or shall I?

-Leave it to me.

Oh! Ohh. Yeah, I think we're human again.

Yes, I'm human!

And I'm a ghost.

Sorry for nearly destroying the Ghostel, Gabe.

No harm done, Master Rich.

As soon as I spread the word

that this is a castle where ghosts swap with humans,

I will be inundated with inquiries.

See, I told you, you can do it, bruv.

I guess I just needed you to believe in me.

Look, I've always believed in you, even when you get in the way.

Come here.

I never, ever want to go through that again.

Check it out. Claire looks a little light-headed!

You're human!