An Inspector Calls Dani's Castle

Have you lost something?

No, just doing my toga. That's short for totally yoga.

-BANG

-Ah!

Maybe it should be called yoghurt, short for yoga that hurts.

Maybe. Oh, can I have a look at that?

You all right, Gabe?

No, I've got a... There's a... Look. It's from the Ghostel inspector.

I'm being inspected today. What if I fail?

You won't. Your Ghostel's great.

But what if I do? What if they close me down?

It will be like dying again.

What is this? World Pacing Up and Down Day?

Look.

And it's a really nice new phone, but not that exciting.

I meant the e-mail. Some Boys Who Make Noise.

Who's that, Britain's loudest boy band?

Well, look, a while ago I e-mailed a bunch of bands

offering myself as a songwriter.

They've commissioned one of my love songs.

But thing is, they need it by tomorrow.

Well, that's fine, you can do that.

Just stop pacing and start writing.

Thanks, Kait. Oh, I forgot.

This came for you.

Wow! I got a... There's a... Look!

"You have been invited to Pet Snack of the Year Awards

"and nominated for best newcomer."

Kait, this is amazing.

What if I win? What if I lose and what will I wear?

I can help with that. How long have I got to work with?

Well, it says it's tonight.

Wait, hang on.

When exactly did this arrive, Rich?

Well, it could have been in the pile for a few days.

I could've missed it.

But you didn't. Proud of you, Kait.

Flattery will get you forgiven nine out of ten times.

I'm proud of you too, Rich.

It says you can invite a guest.

-Can I be your plus one?

-Yeah, you can be my fashion advisor.

Cool. I'm going to an awards ceremony.

The glitz, the glamour, the something else beginning with a "G".

Can you keep the happiness down, please?

Some of us have an inspection to prepare for.

Well, there's your something else beginning with "G".

Gabe the grumpy ghost.

There, it's perfect. Or is it?

Now it's perfect. Oh, no. What if they don't like staplers?

But what if they do?

Did you know, in the dictionary under calm,

it says "the opposite of Gabe"?

No. I am calm. I'm totally calm.

Really? Because I've heard some bad things about the Ghostel inspector.

You have? Like what?

Like, they're an angry giant...

And with a scary clipboard of doom.

And they love biting people.

And so are you still feeing calm?

Completely and utterly.

BELL RINGS

Hello, are you all right?

Yes, it's just, you're not what I was expecting.

Not that I was expecting anything in particular.

Certainly not an angry giant, which you're not.

It's OK, you know, I don't bite.

Of course you don't. Why would I think that?

You haven't even got a clipboard.

Right, shall we just dive straight in?

You can start by showing me around.

Yes, what a brilliant idea. Right, this way.

Don't worry, Gabe. We'll look after reception while you're gone.

Right, thank you. Just don't mess it up.

We would never do that.

We would totally do that.

It would be rude not to. Gabe is so easy.

What do you think would happen if this place got inspected?

I would get a medal for bravest, most handsome mouse.

Yeah, or one for messiest, laziest mouse.

I am not lazy. Look how busy I can be.

Busy, busy, busy, busy, busy...

Yeah, busy making it even messier.

-Carlos!

-What?

That is it, we are cleaning this place up,

so you can either help me with the trash

or you can leave with the trash. What'll it be? Hm?

Move.

And the results of today's show are baked beans - 95, broad beans - two.

That is a big win for baked beans. Who'd have guessed?

Well, that's all from me, so until next time, stay chic and unique.

That was a good show, Clare.

Really? You don't think it's getting a bit dull,

like, maybe it needs a new angle to liven it up?

There's nothing more exciting than a bean-off.

No, you're right. It's getting dull.

I could do with something a bit different, you know,

to spice it up a bit. How's your song going, anyway?

Yeah, really well. I've done loads.

Really? Well, that's great.

Except that is the loads. Literally a pile of rubbish.

Well, come on, it can't be that bad.

Let me have a look.

It is just says "arghhh!"

Yeah, I'm really, really stuck right now.

You know what you need?

A new brain full of songs?

No, you need a cup of nettle, rosehip and aniseed tea.

Really good for creativity.

-Ain't that bad for your taste buds though?

-Oi.

There you go. A rosehip, nettle and aniseed tea.

Do you even know what delicious means?

I'll have one, actually. Kait, fancy a cuppa?

Yeah, I will do, but, you know, normal tea for me. The nice stuff.

So, in order to max our prep time for tonight I thought

we could use the Ghostel guest room to get ready.

-Saves me going home.

-So that'll explain this, then.

Just some basic kit for a girlie getting ready sesh.

-You up for it?

-Sounds fun.

Cool, and we can practise for the ceremony at the same time.

Wait, what do we want to practise?

Your winning and losing faces. Let's have a go now, right?

Winning face.

"And the winner is, Kait!"

Nice. Pleased, but humble. Now your losing face.

"And the winner is not Kait."

What?

You really want to win, don't you?

I just feel like it'd be a nice reward for all my hard work.

Just being nominated is pretty amazing.

Yeah, I suppose.

BELL RINGS Are you all right?

Yeah, this is just my having a brilliant idea face because

I can ask all the celebs that are there to come on my radio show.

How's that for a new angle? Right, got to go get ready to look good.

Wait, but we don't leave for another six hours.

Tell me about it! We're in such a rush.

-What about your tea?

-It's all right, you can have it.

Great, two nasty cups of tea.

Just this way.

Aaaargh!

I hate lizards.

Hmm, interesting.

We can have a little fun with that.

Technically it's a bearded dragon.

I don't care.

What kind of reptile-infested establishment is this?

Oh, no, she has a clipboard.

-Time for some fun.

-What do short-sighted ghosts wear?

Spooktacles.

Eh?

It was a joke.

You said they were useful for calming people down.

My jokes are. Yours are rubbish and ghostist.

I'm even crosser now.

Mmm, this is really nice tea, Rich.

Well, I do make good tea. Just can't really write songs.

I wish Boys Who Make Noise would commission a cup of tea.

Not going so well?

Got writer's block. I'm really desperate, you know.

You know, sometimes when I'm thinking up new pet treats

and I sometimes get snack block, well, something always comes...

HE HUMS TUNE IN HEAD

Rich, are you even listening to me?

Do you know what? I think this nasty tea works, you know.

Look, I've got a song idea, I've got to go and write it down.

Glad I bothered trying to help.

HE HUMS A TUNE

It's gone! Grr!

Right, stay calm. You can do this.

Music first, lyrics later.

Oh, great. Now the clock's broken.

I thought you might need another cup of Clare's disgusting,

-yet inspiring tea.

-Thanks, Kait.

Do you know what, I think this is doing the trick, you know.

Imagine if you actually drank some.

I'm just so nervous about tonight. Well, I know it's...

HE HUMS TUNE IN HEAD

DOOR SLAMS SHUT

Right, now it's gone.

I don't think this tea's working, you know.

I'm sorry. You're clearly upset.

I am not upset. This is not upset.

Maybe if you took a few deep breaths.

I'm a ghost, I don't need to breathe.

Do you know anything about ghosts?

OK, no deep breaths, maybe think calm thoughts?

Like?

Not lizards.

Do you always make your guests feel this tense?

No.

My Ghostel provides a calm and relaxing environment

for new spirits to adjust to the afterlife. Please.

# When I am with you there's no place I'd rather be... #

A calm and relaxing environment?

-Well...

-And she is clearly not a spirit but a living person.

A very loud living person.

Do you have any ghost guests?

Not at the moment, but...

Well, I am not surprised.

If I were a ghost, which I am, I wouldn't want to stay here.

This isn't a Ghostel, it's a B&B.

But I'm a guest here. It's awful.

-No, no, she is not a guest.

-Shh, I want to hear it.

It's very, very noisy even though I'm so old and deaf...

And it's crawling with lizards and live people.

In fact, it's so bad I'm leaving right now.

I have never seen her before in my afterlife.

Oh, so you admit you've paid no attention to her

even though she's a guest?

I'm going to need a bigger clipboard.

They're coming.

And the portal lets me have ghost guests back from the afterlife

as well as newly-departed spirits,

which I think makes my Ghostel unique and important.

Spirits coming back from the afterlife?

I don't think that's allowed.

But, no, that's...

We've been looking after reception, ma'am.

Ma'am? Very good. Reception looks very smart.

At least someone here seems to know what they are doing.

We installed a new bell so guests can summon us.

Would you like to try it?

Oh, no, it will be a trap.

BELL RINGS

Ah!

How awful. Would you like to see the manager?

Yes, yes, I would.

Well, here he is.

Argh!

DISTANT SCREAMING

Excellent.

I think that went well.

-Really?

-Of course not.

This Ghostel is what I afterlive for

and you two have just ruined my inspection.

So thank you.

Thank you very much indeed.

I've got this strange feeling in my tummy.

I think it's called guilt.

Yeah, me too.

It feels horrid.

Nearly done.

Yeah, I'll just put this bit away.

Even for a strong mouse like me this has been exhausting.

Meow!

There's a cat! There's a cat!

It was just me. Funny?

No. Well, you know what this means, don't you?

We're going to have to clean it again?

Who said anything about we?

Why can't there be a book on how to write a hit song

really, really quickly?

I take it, Master Rich, that your song is as yet incomplete?

Not unless you can write a whole song with "arghh!"

Well, you can, but only for bagpipes.

Right, I just have to go and get ready for tonight,

so which one do you think I should wear? The red one or the blue one...

HE HUMS TUNE IN HEAD

I'm sorry. Look, this song, I've got to write it down.

What are you going to do,

cut off your hand and send it to Boys Who Make Noise?

It's gone again.

Now I can't even read what I've written.

I may know how to help you.

I think to write your song you need Lady Kaitlyn.

Before she came in you were bereft of invention.

Trapped in a career-ending rut of failure, doomed to...

I was stuck. I've got it. Move on...

But when she came in you were clearly struck with inspiration.

Have there been other times when you've had ideas for your song?

Well, once when I was talking to Kait in the kitchen

and the other time was when she brought me tea.

So it is as I thought. Lady Kaitlyn is your muse.

-My muse?

-The one who inspires you creatively.

No.

I shall prove it. Think of Lady Kaitlyn.

All right.

You know what? It actually works.

Look, I've got to write this down, just not on my hand.

What was it...? It's gone again!

Look, I can't think of her and write at the same time.

What if you could actually see her?

Of course. Gabe, you're a genius.

Oh, the living.

I just came to inform you that my final report is due.

Fantastic.

You can probably guess...

Wait, you need to see something first.

Sorry, running's so much slower than just appearing somewhere.

Anyway, what she said.

No, no, no, you two have done quite enough damage for one day.

Gabe, she really needs to see this.

Great. More running.

Oh, no. This cannot be good.

Looks OK. How about...

-this one?

-I don't know, it's a bit princessy.

For Princess Kaitlyn of Animal Snacks.

It's an amazing dress for an amazing night. That's amazing, four As.

Right.

Rich, what are you doing?

I just thought I'd come and help you get ready, really.

This is a girl getting ready session and you're not a girl...

HE HUMS TUNE IN HEAD

You're not even listening to me.

You've not being listening to me all day... Get out!

Whoa, can I just stay for a little bit?

-You heard her. Go on, shoo! Get out!

-Move!

-Oh, come on, girls.

Oh, here again. I hope there are no lizards this time.

No, this is now officially a lizard-free zone.

I'm so glad to hear that.

Whatever you two are...

Gabe, we're sorry for what happened earlier.

It was our fault, not Gabe's.

Because Gabe is actually brilliant at helping all

the spirits who come here.

And he would never trick them like we tricked you.

He's too nice.

And he runs an awesome Ghostel.

So please don't give him a bad report because of what we did today.

We were just bored silly and thought it would be fun.

Well, aren't you going to say anything?

I've never apologised or been that nice about anyone,

and it had better be worth it.

I shall be making my final report soon

and I will take everything that's happened today into account.

No, wait. If you give me one more chance...

I will prove I'm worthy of running this Ghostel

because this place is not just important to me...

..it is me.

As I said, I shall be making my final report soon.

Wow, nice speech, Gabe.

I hope it works.

And I thank you two for your kind words.

I didn't know you thought so highly of me.

Sometimes you just have to say stuff you don't believe

to get out of trouble.

All right, I meant it, really,

but don't tell anyone - it'll ruin my reputation.

Was I wrong? Is Lady Kaitlyn not your muse?

Oh, she's my muse, but I just can't get near her.

If I can't see her, I can't write my song.

Might a picture of her suffice?

-Maybe, but where am I going to get one?

-Well...

I myself am quite a decent artist. Or, being modern for once,

may I say two words?

Phone camera?

Phone camera.

Oh, Gabe, you're a genius.

Clare, come on, we're going to be late.

Don't worry, I'm nearly there.

Whoa! Sorry. These shoes make it tricky to walk in,

as does me dress and my hair.

Well, I hope it doesn't make it tricky to sit in a taxi

and go have crazy award ceremony fun.

Oh, wait, before you go...

Wow, Kait, you look great.

CLARE CLEARS THROAT

-And you look OK too, Clare.

-Thanks.

Did you have a fight with a peacock or something?

Did you want something, Rich?

Yeah, just a quick picture before you go.

Yeah. A memento of our big night out.

Oh, no, sorry, Clare, just of Kait.

Oh, OK.

I knew my outfit wasn't good enough.

Give me a minute.

Wait, no, Clare, we're going to be... late.

Wow, that was impressive.

Right, come on, best bud.

I've got celebs to meet and get on my radio show

and you have got an award to win.

HE HUMS TUNE IN HEAD

My clipboard has never been so full.

-Is red good?

-No.

There's some blue at the bottom, is that good?

Oh, that's only there because I ran out of red ink.

This Ghostel is a noisy, unrelaxing shambles.

The staff were rude, uncooperative and you yourself were

a nervous wreck who kept making offensive and unfunny jokes.

And then there's the lizard.

However, I'm now aware that not everything was your fault,

especially the lizard.

I have now seen your better qualities,

qualities I witnessed myself when I saw you helping your friend Rich.

You saw that?

I did and was very impressed.

You clearly care about your job enormously, which would explain

your nerves, and my anti-lizard screams won't have helped with that.

-Not at all. I find it relaxing...

-What have I said about your jokes?

Sorry.

Plus, I have decided that, as you said,

helping those from the afterlife is just as important as helping

new spirits and as your Ghostel is uniquely suited to that...

..I am awarding you five spooky stars.

Five, that's amazing!

-Don't get cocky, it's five out of ten.

-Oh.

SHE LAUGHS

I'm joking!

See, my jokes are good.

-Hilarious.

-Oh, one more thing.

If I ever inspect you again, please hide the lizard before I arrive.

What a jester.

The revellers return. Was it a good night?

It was OK.

Until they gave me this and then it was amazing,

which is even better than you said, Clare - six As, not four.

Although it was less red carpet and more beige rug.

You know, I just wanted to meet loads of celebs

so I can get them on my radio show and make it better.

But your show's great. You don't need gimmicks like star guests.

-Excuse me. Hello?

-Do you really think?

-Of course I do.

Look, I'm sorry it wasn't more starry,

but I had my best friend there when I won. Really meant the world.

Well, I am so proud of you, babe, and your winning face was amazing.

And you know what, I did actually meet one big star.

-I've got five.

-You.

-Me?

Best newcomer at the Pet Snacks of the Year Awards, are you joking?

That is a star in my book.

-So I can come on your show?

-Any time.

Right people, everyone to the studio.

Let's go, let's go, let's go.

Hey, big bruv, what's that?

Nothing, just a bit of old wallpaper.

Take a seat, take a seat. Are we all ready?

-Yeah!

-Right, here we go.

# Love is not a science, it's an art

# And you've painted your way right into my heart

# Cos there's nothing you could say

# Nothing you could do

# That would ever stop the way I feel for you

# Cos I can't get over you

# My heart's telling me that it's true

# No, I can't get over you. #

APPLAUSE

So, do you think Boys Who Make Noise will like it?

Well, if they don't, they should change their name to

Twits Who'll Never Have Hits.

It's really good, Rich.

-I thought you were really, really stuck.

-Yeah, and then I got unstuck.

-How?

-Let's just say I found my inspiration.