An Inspector Calls Dani's Castle


An Inspector Calls

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Transcript


LineFromTo

Have you lost something?

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No, just doing my toga. That's short for totally yoga.

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-BANG

-Ah!

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Maybe it should be called yoghurt, short for yoga that hurts.

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Maybe. Oh, can I have a look at that?

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You all right, Gabe?

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No, I've got a... There's a... Look. It's from the Ghostel inspector.

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I'm being inspected today. What if I fail?

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You won't. Your Ghostel's great.

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But what if I do? What if they close me down?

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It will be like dying again.

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What is this? World Pacing Up and Down Day?

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Look.

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And it's a really nice new phone, but not that exciting.

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I meant the e-mail. Some Boys Who Make Noise.

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Who's that, Britain's loudest boy band?

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Well, look, a while ago I e-mailed a bunch of bands

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offering myself as a songwriter.

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They've commissioned one of my love songs.

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But thing is, they need it by tomorrow.

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Well, that's fine, you can do that.

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Just stop pacing and start writing.

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Thanks, Kait. Oh, I forgot.

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This came for you.

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Wow! I got a... There's a... Look!

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"You have been invited to Pet Snack of the Year Awards

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"and nominated for best newcomer."

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Kait, this is amazing.

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What if I win? What if I lose and what will I wear?

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I can help with that. How long have I got to work with?

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Well, it says it's tonight.

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Wait, hang on.

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When exactly did this arrive, Rich?

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Well, it could have been in the pile for a few days.

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I could've missed it.

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But you didn't. Proud of you, Kait.

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Flattery will get you forgiven nine out of ten times.

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I'm proud of you too, Rich.

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It says you can invite a guest.

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-Can I be your plus one?

-Yeah, you can be my fashion advisor.

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Cool. I'm going to an awards ceremony.

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The glitz, the glamour, the something else beginning with a "G".

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Can you keep the happiness down, please?

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Some of us have an inspection to prepare for.

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Well, there's your something else beginning with "G".

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Gabe the grumpy ghost.

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There, it's perfect. Or is it?

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Now it's perfect. Oh, no. What if they don't like staplers?

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But what if they do?

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Did you know, in the dictionary under calm,

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it says "the opposite of Gabe"?

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No. I am calm. I'm totally calm.

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Really? Because I've heard some bad things about the Ghostel inspector.

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You have? Like what?

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Like, they're an angry giant...

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And with a scary clipboard of doom.

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And they love biting people.

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And so are you still feeing calm?

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Completely and utterly.

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BELL RINGS

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Hello, are you all right?

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Yes, it's just, you're not what I was expecting.

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Not that I was expecting anything in particular.

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Certainly not an angry giant, which you're not.

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It's OK, you know, I don't bite.

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Of course you don't. Why would I think that?

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You haven't even got a clipboard.

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Right, shall we just dive straight in?

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You can start by showing me around.

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Yes, what a brilliant idea. Right, this way.

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Don't worry, Gabe. We'll look after reception while you're gone.

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Right, thank you. Just don't mess it up.

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We would never do that.

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We would totally do that.

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It would be rude not to. Gabe is so easy.

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What do you think would happen if this place got inspected?

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I would get a medal for bravest, most handsome mouse.

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Yeah, or one for messiest, laziest mouse.

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I am not lazy. Look how busy I can be.

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Busy, busy, busy, busy, busy...

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Yeah, busy making it even messier.

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-Carlos!

-What?

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That is it, we are cleaning this place up,

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so you can either help me with the trash

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or you can leave with the trash. What'll it be? Hm?

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Move.

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And the results of today's show are baked beans - 95, broad beans - two.

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That is a big win for baked beans. Who'd have guessed?

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Well, that's all from me, so until next time, stay chic and unique.

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That was a good show, Clare.

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Really? You don't think it's getting a bit dull,

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like, maybe it needs a new angle to liven it up?

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There's nothing more exciting than a bean-off.

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No, you're right. It's getting dull.

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I could do with something a bit different, you know,

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to spice it up a bit. How's your song going, anyway?

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Yeah, really well. I've done loads.

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Really? Well, that's great.

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Except that is the loads. Literally a pile of rubbish.

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Well, come on, it can't be that bad.

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Let me have a look.

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It is just says "arghhh!"

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Yeah, I'm really, really stuck right now.

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You know what you need?

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A new brain full of songs?

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No, you need a cup of nettle, rosehip and aniseed tea.

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Really good for creativity.

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-Ain't that bad for your taste buds though?

-Oi.

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There you go. A rosehip, nettle and aniseed tea.

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Do you even know what delicious means?

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I'll have one, actually. Kait, fancy a cuppa?

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Yeah, I will do, but, you know, normal tea for me. The nice stuff.

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So, in order to max our prep time for tonight I thought

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we could use the Ghostel guest room to get ready.

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-Saves me going home.

-So that'll explain this, then.

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Just some basic kit for a girlie getting ready sesh.

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-You up for it?

-Sounds fun.

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Cool, and we can practise for the ceremony at the same time.

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Wait, what do we want to practise?

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Your winning and losing faces. Let's have a go now, right?

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Winning face.

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"And the winner is, Kait!"

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Nice. Pleased, but humble. Now your losing face.

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"And the winner is not Kait."

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What?

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You really want to win, don't you?

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I just feel like it'd be a nice reward for all my hard work.

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Just being nominated is pretty amazing.

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Yeah, I suppose.

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BELL RINGS Are you all right?

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Yeah, this is just my having a brilliant idea face because

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I can ask all the celebs that are there to come on my radio show.

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How's that for a new angle? Right, got to go get ready to look good.

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Wait, but we don't leave for another six hours.

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Tell me about it! We're in such a rush.

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-What about your tea?

-It's all right, you can have it.

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Great, two nasty cups of tea.

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Just this way.

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Aaaargh!

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I hate lizards.

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Hmm, interesting.

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We can have a little fun with that.

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Technically it's a bearded dragon.

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I don't care.

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What kind of reptile-infested establishment is this?

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Oh, no, she has a clipboard.

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-Time for some fun.

-What do short-sighted ghosts wear?

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Spooktacles.

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Eh?

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It was a joke.

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You said they were useful for calming people down.

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My jokes are. Yours are rubbish and ghostist.

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I'm even crosser now.

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Mmm, this is really nice tea, Rich.

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Well, I do make good tea. Just can't really write songs.

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I wish Boys Who Make Noise would commission a cup of tea.

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Not going so well?

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Got writer's block. I'm really desperate, you know.

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You know, sometimes when I'm thinking up new pet treats

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and I sometimes get snack block, well, something always comes...

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HE HUMS TUNE IN HEAD

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Rich, are you even listening to me?

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Do you know what? I think this nasty tea works, you know.

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Look, I've got a song idea, I've got to go and write it down.

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Glad I bothered trying to help.

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HE HUMS A TUNE

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It's gone! Grr!

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Right, stay calm. You can do this.

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Music first, lyrics later.

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Oh, great. Now the clock's broken.

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I thought you might need another cup of Clare's disgusting,

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-yet inspiring tea.

-Thanks, Kait.

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Do you know what, I think this is doing the trick, you know.

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Imagine if you actually drank some.

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I'm just so nervous about tonight. Well, I know it's...

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HE HUMS TUNE IN HEAD

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DOOR SLAMS SHUT

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Right, now it's gone.

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I don't think this tea's working, you know.

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I'm sorry. You're clearly upset.

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I am not upset. This is not upset.

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Maybe if you took a few deep breaths.

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I'm a ghost, I don't need to breathe.

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Do you know anything about ghosts?

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OK, no deep breaths, maybe think calm thoughts?

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Like?

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Not lizards.

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Do you always make your guests feel this tense?

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No.

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My Ghostel provides a calm and relaxing environment

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for new spirits to adjust to the afterlife. Please.

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# When I am with you there's no place I'd rather be... #

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A calm and relaxing environment?

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-Well...

-And she is clearly not a spirit but a living person.

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A very loud living person.

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Do you have any ghost guests?

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Not at the moment, but...

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Well, I am not surprised.

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If I were a ghost, which I am, I wouldn't want to stay here.

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This isn't a Ghostel, it's a B&B.

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But I'm a guest here. It's awful.

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-No, no, she is not a guest.

-Shh, I want to hear it.

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It's very, very noisy even though I'm so old and deaf...

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And it's crawling with lizards and live people.

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In fact, it's so bad I'm leaving right now.

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I have never seen her before in my afterlife.

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Oh, so you admit you've paid no attention to her

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even though she's a guest?

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I'm going to need a bigger clipboard.

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They're coming.

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And the portal lets me have ghost guests back from the afterlife

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as well as newly-departed spirits,

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which I think makes my Ghostel unique and important.

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Spirits coming back from the afterlife?

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I don't think that's allowed.

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But, no, that's...

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We've been looking after reception, ma'am.

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Ma'am? Very good. Reception looks very smart.

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At least someone here seems to know what they are doing.

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We installed a new bell so guests can summon us.

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Would you like to try it?

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Oh, no, it will be a trap.

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BELL RINGS

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Ah!

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How awful. Would you like to see the manager?

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Yes, yes, I would.

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Well, here he is.

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Argh!

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DISTANT SCREAMING

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Excellent.

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I think that went well.

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-Really?

-Of course not.

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This Ghostel is what I afterlive for

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and you two have just ruined my inspection.

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So thank you.

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Thank you very much indeed.

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I've got this strange feeling in my tummy.

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I think it's called guilt.

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Yeah, me too.

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It feels horrid.

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Nearly done.

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Yeah, I'll just put this bit away.

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Even for a strong mouse like me this has been exhausting.

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Meow!

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There's a cat! There's a cat!

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It was just me. Funny?

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No. Well, you know what this means, don't you?

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We're going to have to clean it again?

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Who said anything about we?

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Why can't there be a book on how to write a hit song

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really, really quickly?

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I take it, Master Rich, that your song is as yet incomplete?

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Not unless you can write a whole song with "arghh!"

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Well, you can, but only for bagpipes.

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Right, I just have to go and get ready for tonight,

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so which one do you think I should wear? The red one or the blue one...

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HE HUMS TUNE IN HEAD

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I'm sorry. Look, this song, I've got to write it down.

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What are you going to do,

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cut off your hand and send it to Boys Who Make Noise?

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It's gone again.

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Now I can't even read what I've written.

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I may know how to help you.

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I think to write your song you need Lady Kaitlyn.

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Before she came in you were bereft of invention.

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Trapped in a career-ending rut of failure, doomed to...

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I was stuck. I've got it. Move on...

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But when she came in you were clearly struck with inspiration.

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Have there been other times when you've had ideas for your song?

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Well, once when I was talking to Kait in the kitchen

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and the other time was when she brought me tea.

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So it is as I thought. Lady Kaitlyn is your muse.

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-My muse?

-The one who inspires you creatively.

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No.

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I shall prove it. Think of Lady Kaitlyn.

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All right.

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You know what? It actually works.

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Look, I've got to write this down, just not on my hand.

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What was it...? It's gone again!

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Look, I can't think of her and write at the same time.

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What if you could actually see her?

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Of course. Gabe, you're a genius.

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Oh, the living.

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I just came to inform you that my final report is due.

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Fantastic.

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You can probably guess...

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Wait, you need to see something first.

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Sorry, running's so much slower than just appearing somewhere.

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Anyway, what she said.

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No, no, no, you two have done quite enough damage for one day.

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Gabe, she really needs to see this.

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Great. More running.

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Oh, no. This cannot be good.

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Looks OK. How about...

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-this one?

-I don't know, it's a bit princessy.

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For Princess Kaitlyn of Animal Snacks.

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It's an amazing dress for an amazing night. That's amazing, four As.

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Right.

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Rich, what are you doing?

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I just thought I'd come and help you get ready, really.

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This is a girl getting ready session and you're not a girl...

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HE HUMS TUNE IN HEAD

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You're not even listening to me.

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You've not being listening to me all day... Get out!

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Whoa, can I just stay for a little bit?

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-You heard her. Go on, shoo! Get out!

-Move!

-Oh, come on, girls.

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Oh, here again. I hope there are no lizards this time.

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No, this is now officially a lizard-free zone.

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I'm so glad to hear that.

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Whatever you two are...

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Gabe, we're sorry for what happened earlier.

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It was our fault, not Gabe's.

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Because Gabe is actually brilliant at helping all

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the spirits who come here.

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And he would never trick them like we tricked you.

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He's too nice.

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And he runs an awesome Ghostel.

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So please don't give him a bad report because of what we did today.

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We were just bored silly and thought it would be fun.

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Well, aren't you going to say anything?

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I've never apologised or been that nice about anyone,

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and it had better be worth it.

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I shall be making my final report soon

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and I will take everything that's happened today into account.

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No, wait. If you give me one more chance...

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I will prove I'm worthy of running this Ghostel

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because this place is not just important to me...

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..it is me.

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As I said, I shall be making my final report soon.

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Wow, nice speech, Gabe.

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I hope it works.

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And I thank you two for your kind words.

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I didn't know you thought so highly of me.

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Sometimes you just have to say stuff you don't believe

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to get out of trouble.

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All right, I meant it, really,

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but don't tell anyone - it'll ruin my reputation.

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Was I wrong? Is Lady Kaitlyn not your muse?

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Oh, she's my muse, but I just can't get near her.

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If I can't see her, I can't write my song.

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Might a picture of her suffice?

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-Maybe, but where am I going to get one?

-Well...

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I myself am quite a decent artist. Or, being modern for once,

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may I say two words?

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Phone camera?

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Phone camera.

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Oh, Gabe, you're a genius.

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Clare, come on, we're going to be late.

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Don't worry, I'm nearly there.

0:21:050:21:07

Whoa! Sorry. These shoes make it tricky to walk in,

0:21:070:21:12

as does me dress and my hair.

0:21:120:21:15

Well, I hope it doesn't make it tricky to sit in a taxi

0:21:150:21:17

and go have crazy award ceremony fun.

0:21:170:21:21

Oh, wait, before you go...

0:21:210:21:22

Wow, Kait, you look great.

0:21:250:21:27

CLARE CLEARS THROAT

0:21:290:21:30

-And you look OK too, Clare.

-Thanks.

0:21:300:21:33

Did you have a fight with a peacock or something?

0:21:330:21:36

Did you want something, Rich?

0:21:360:21:38

Yeah, just a quick picture before you go.

0:21:380:21:40

Yeah. A memento of our big night out.

0:21:400:21:43

Oh, no, sorry, Clare, just of Kait.

0:21:430:21:45

Oh, OK.

0:21:480:21:51

I knew my outfit wasn't good enough.

0:21:510:21:54

Give me a minute.

0:21:540:21:55

Wait, no, Clare, we're going to be... late.

0:21:550:21:59

Wow, that was impressive.

0:21:590:22:01

Right, come on, best bud.

0:22:010:22:03

I've got celebs to meet and get on my radio show

0:22:030:22:06

and you have got an award to win.

0:22:060:22:08

HE HUMS TUNE IN HEAD

0:22:150:22:21

My clipboard has never been so full.

0:22:270:22:30

-Is red good?

-No.

0:22:320:22:35

There's some blue at the bottom, is that good?

0:22:350:22:39

Oh, that's only there because I ran out of red ink.

0:22:390:22:41

This Ghostel is a noisy, unrelaxing shambles.

0:22:430:22:50

The staff were rude, uncooperative and you yourself were

0:22:500:22:56

a nervous wreck who kept making offensive and unfunny jokes.

0:22:560:23:02

And then there's the lizard.

0:23:020:23:05

However, I'm now aware that not everything was your fault,

0:23:060:23:10

especially the lizard.

0:23:100:23:12

I have now seen your better qualities,

0:23:120:23:14

qualities I witnessed myself when I saw you helping your friend Rich.

0:23:140:23:19

You saw that?

0:23:190:23:20

I did and was very impressed.

0:23:200:23:24

You clearly care about your job enormously, which would explain

0:23:240:23:27

your nerves, and my anti-lizard screams won't have helped with that.

0:23:270:23:33

-Not at all. I find it relaxing...

-What have I said about your jokes?

0:23:330:23:39

Sorry.

0:23:390:23:41

Plus, I have decided that, as you said,

0:23:410:23:45

helping those from the afterlife is just as important as helping

0:23:450:23:48

new spirits and as your Ghostel is uniquely suited to that...

0:23:480:23:53

..I am awarding you five spooky stars.

0:23:550:23:59

Five, that's amazing!

0:23:590:24:00

-Don't get cocky, it's five out of ten.

-Oh.

0:24:000:24:04

SHE LAUGHS

0:24:040:24:06

I'm joking!

0:24:060:24:08

See, my jokes are good.

0:24:080:24:11

-Hilarious.

-Oh, one more thing.

0:24:110:24:13

If I ever inspect you again, please hide the lizard before I arrive.

0:24:130:24:17

What a jester.

0:24:220:24:23

The revellers return. Was it a good night?

0:24:460:24:50

It was OK.

0:24:500:24:52

Until they gave me this and then it was amazing,

0:24:520:24:55

which is even better than you said, Clare - six As, not four.

0:24:550:24:58

Although it was less red carpet and more beige rug.

0:24:580:25:01

You know, I just wanted to meet loads of celebs

0:25:010:25:04

so I can get them on my radio show and make it better.

0:25:040:25:06

But your show's great. You don't need gimmicks like star guests.

0:25:060:25:09

-Excuse me. Hello?

-Do you really think?

-Of course I do.

0:25:090:25:11

Look, I'm sorry it wasn't more starry,

0:25:110:25:13

but I had my best friend there when I won. Really meant the world.

0:25:130:25:16

Well, I am so proud of you, babe, and your winning face was amazing.

0:25:160:25:21

And you know what, I did actually meet one big star.

0:25:210:25:26

-I've got five.

-You.

-Me?

0:25:260:25:28

Best newcomer at the Pet Snacks of the Year Awards, are you joking?

0:25:280:25:32

That is a star in my book.

0:25:320:25:34

-So I can come on your show?

-Any time.

0:25:340:25:36

Right people, everyone to the studio.

0:25:360:25:38

Let's go, let's go, let's go.

0:25:380:25:40

Hey, big bruv, what's that?

0:25:480:25:50

Nothing, just a bit of old wallpaper.

0:25:500:25:52

Take a seat, take a seat. Are we all ready?

0:25:520:25:56

-Yeah!

-Right, here we go.

0:25:560:25:59

# Love is not a science, it's an art

0:25:590:26:01

# And you've painted your way right into my heart

0:26:010:26:03

# Cos there's nothing you could say

0:26:030:26:04

# Nothing you could do

0:26:040:26:06

# That would ever stop the way I feel for you

0:26:060:26:08

# Cos I can't get over you

0:26:080:26:12

# My heart's telling me that it's true

0:26:120:26:16

# No, I can't get over you. #

0:26:160:26:20

APPLAUSE

0:26:200:26:22

So, do you think Boys Who Make Noise will like it?

0:26:250:26:27

Well, if they don't, they should change their name to

0:26:270:26:29

Twits Who'll Never Have Hits.

0:26:290:26:31

It's really good, Rich.

0:26:310:26:33

-I thought you were really, really stuck.

-Yeah, and then I got unstuck.

0:26:330:26:36

-How?

-Let's just say I found my inspiration.

0:26:360:26:38

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