Pirates Dani's House


Pirates

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Transcript


LineFromTo

Hurry up, Co-ordinator, it's about to start!

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-Yes?

-Oh!

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I wish you wouldn't do that. Stop sneaking up on people like that.

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A billion years of evolution and all you ever do is nag, nag, nag.

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I can also flush, flush, flush you out the airlock

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if you talk all the way through, again!

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Hi, my name's Dani and this is my wonderful...

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-I'm Sam.

-Oi!

-Her best friend.

-As I was saying...

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I'm her best friend, too. Toby.

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AS I was saying, this is my show. ..Max!

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That's me! I'm her brother.

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- Get out of it. - I'm his best friend.

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AS I was saying, my name's Dani and this is my show.

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-It's not your show...

-No, it isn't!

-It's my show!

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I wonder what the theme of this week's episode is going to be?

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Hi, I'm Dani and this is my house.

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The clue might be that earthling Dani is dressed in a pirate's outfit.

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No, no, don't tell me.

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-I bet it's about plumbers.

-She's dressed as a pirate!

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It's a lumberjack theme, isn't it?

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-No!

-Accountant?

-Ah!

-Window cleaners?

-Ah!

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SHE SPEAKS BACKWARDS

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Hi, I'm Dani and this is my house.

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Well, technically, my parents' house,

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but they're at yoga class while I'm stuck here looking after the baby.

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Waaaah! Waaaah! Waaaaaaah!

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That baby. The baby from hell.

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And through here...

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This is my den. Great, isn't it?

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This is my sofa and, er, that's a half-eaten sandwich.

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And these are my friends Toby and Sam.

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Say hi to the universe, Toby and Sam.

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-Hello!

-Hello, universe.

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Hello, Toby and Sam.

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-Hello, half-eaten sandwich.

-LAUGHTER

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And that's the other half of the sandwich.

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Tell us again, why are we dressed like idiots?

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Yeah, that's seriously messing up my hair.

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You know, a lot of skill goes into making it look this good.

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What, dragging yourself backwards through a hedge?

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-You're funny.

-I thought it would be fun to have a pirate DVD marathon.

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Are those illegal?

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Not pirated DVDs, you fool. She means DVDs about pirates.

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-Johnny Depp.

-Orlando Bloom.

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-Pieces of eight.

-Shiver me timbers.

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-Is that something to do with lumberjacks?

-No, you idiot, pirates.

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Land ahoy, Captain Brown Beard!

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Aarh!

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First mate Tobias, hoist the mainbrace.

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Hoist the mainbrace. Right you are, Captain.

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Remind me again, where is the mainbrace exactly?

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It's on the starboard side.

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Next to the mizzen mast.

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Mizzen mast, right.

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I'm sorry...which one's the starboard side again?

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The right side.

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-My right or your right?

-It's near the poop deck.

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-The what deck?

-The poop deck.

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You're kidding, right?

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Avast ye! Make this scurvy dog walk the plank, Master Samuel.

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I've had enough of his bog-brained prattle!

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-Oh, my pleasure, Captain.

-Wait!

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Wait, wait, wait! I think I might need to visit the poop deck!

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Pirates were the coolest of the cool.

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They did whatever they wanted, went wherever they wanted

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and wore the best clothes.

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Apparently.

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I'm Max. This is my friend Ben. Say hello, Ben.

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Wassu-u-u-up?

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Oi, you, out of the Dani zone.

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Hey, this is my den, too.

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Wassu-u-u-up?

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BOTH: Wassu-u-u-up?

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'Wassu-u-up?' BOTH: Wassup?

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They've got the material, I'll give them that.

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Max, get out, you're cramping my style.

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So speaks the girl with a dead bird on her shoulder.

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Do you want to reach your teens? Now shift it!

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I'll remember this when you need my help.

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-Like that's ever going to happen.

-Come on, Ben.

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Let's go and spend some money and leave the pirates to their scurvy.

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Yeah! ..What's scurvy?

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Wish I could make that little squirt walk the plank.

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That's no way to talk about Toby.

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He's not a dog. He doesn't need walking.

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Ha-ha-ha! Be still, my aching sides.

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Ah, poor Toby. We shouldn't call him a plank.

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Ow!

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Your big sister sucks.

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Tell me about it. "Get out of Dani's room!"

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Never mind. That new football game is out on the Cyber-Effect Box today

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and I just happen to have enough money saved to...

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TINY JINGLE

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There was nearly 50 quid in there!

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-Where's it all gone?

-Maybe you could borrow some off your sister.

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Are you kidding? She's never got any...money...

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CHEERING AND SHOUTING

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Dani...!

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YELL CONTINUES

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Now, to talk like a pirate, it has to come from the back of your throat.

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-Try it.

-Arh.

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No. It's more like... Aaagggh!

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Aaagggh!

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Perfect.

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Pay attention, you charmless, scurvy rascal.

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If there's one thing pirates need, it's good eyesight.

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Now, you's gonna have yourself an eye test.

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Who said that?

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LAUGHTER

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Oh. Oh...er, Captain.

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Now, can you read the first here line on this eye chart?

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-Ar.

-What about this next line?

-Ar, ar.

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-Third line.

-Ar, ar, ar.

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Ar...

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HE GASPS

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Give me back my money.

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-I know you stole it.

-How dare you? I borrowed it.

-Where is it?

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-I spent it all. I'll pay you back eventually.

-I need it today.

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I'm a pirate, Max. This is what we do.

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Yeah, and what I do is demolish big sisters.

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Aagh! Aagh! Get off me! Aaagh! Max!

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Ouch! Ow! Max! Aah!

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These earth creatures are most primitive, Co-ordinator Zark.

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I can't believe they still resolve their disputes with violence.

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-Awful.

-Yes, awful...

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-Would it be OK if I hit you?

-What?

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Just a bit.

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Why in the seven galaxies would you want to hit me?

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It's for a...report type of thing that I'm doing.

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-What report?

-Into, I don't know, why violence is wrong.

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All right, there is no report. Watching all this human aggression

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is really getting me fired up. It's making me all raaa! You know?

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Resist your urges, Co-ordinator Zark.

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Our species has lived a non-violent lifestyle for 1,000 generations.

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We are a peaceful...

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Oh!

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Now do you see why this is wrong?

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-Wrong and fun.

-Ooh!

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SHOUTING

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-Get him off!

-Guys...really childish.

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-Pull her hair! Pull her hair!

-Toby!

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Sorry, caught up in the moment.

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Aaah, right!

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Guys, come on, break it up. You never know who's watching.

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Ow!

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Lay another finger on me and you'll be grounded forever.

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Yeah? How're you gonna do that?

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I'll tell Mum and Dad you swore at me.

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And I'll tell them you're a liar.

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Who do you think they're gonna believe? Me, who's twice as old,

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twice as responsible and twice as smart as you'll ever be, or you,

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the boy who cried for a week when he read the last Harry Potter book?

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Come on, Ben. We're out of here.

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Pirates are stupid anyway.

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Wasn't that a bit much in front of his friend?

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-Yeah, you did plunder his booty.

-It's only Max. He's plankton.

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I heard that!

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-Duck!

-That's a parrot!

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Oh! For a minute there I thought something really bad was going to happen.

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HUGE SMASH No!

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LAUGHTER

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This is Mum's favourite vase. Gran left it to her in her will.

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This is all your fault, Max.

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-You are in so much trouble.

-But, Dani, you're the responsible one.

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You were in charge when it happened, so, technically, it's your fault.

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Get out now before I break you, too!

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Is this your parrot?

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Seriously, Mum is going to do her nut.

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You have no idea how much this vase means to her.

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"Meant" to her, surely?

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Waaaah!

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- Waaah! Waaah! - That's all I need.

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Stealing my money!

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Insulting me! She's not going to get away with this, Ben.

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We need to strike her where it hurts.

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Her nose?

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We have to think up a revenge so sweet that it hurts.

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Sweet, eh?

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We could feed her sugar until her teeth turn black,

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so she gets toothache and she has to have all of her teeth pulled out,

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so all she can eat is mushed-up mush, mush, mush.

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Sweet as in evil.

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-Evil and brilliant.

-She seems to be quite into pirates.

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Maybe a pirate-themed revenge?

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I've got it! She likes pirates so much,

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we'll give her a pirate-themed revenge.

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Wicked!

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HE LAUGHS EVILLY

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THEY BOTH LAUGH EVILLY

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I don't even know why we're laughing!

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If I don't get this vase fixed, my life is as good as over.

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Can you keep an eye on the baby for a bit?

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- Wah-wah, wah-wah! Waaah!

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Two eyes, even? Right, great, thanks. Really appreciate it.

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-But, Dani...

-Back in ten, maybe 20.

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40 at the most.

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BABY COOS

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BABY CACKLES EVILLY

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-- Waaah!

-Ow!

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Right, I'll see what Dani's up to.

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Oh, no, you don't.

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I'm not dealing with that...thing on my own.

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Waaah! BABY FARTS

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Ohhh, gross!

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It's perfectly natural, Toby.

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An expelling of gases which build up in the digestive tract.

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-BABY FARTS AGAIN

-Oh!

-Aw!

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Oh, my... OK, I take it back.

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That is anything but natural.

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BABY CACKLES EVILLY

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Oh!

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Somebody's...teething.

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Waaaaah!

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Co-ordinator, I think there's something wrong with our audio feed on our televisualiser.

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It's making a terrible noise.

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That noise is coming from what the humans call a baby, Co-ordinator Zark.

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-Is it broken?

-I believe not.

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Personally, I actually find the noise quite soothing.

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Really?

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WAAAAH! WAAAAH! WAAAAH!

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Not that soothing!

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Good evening, good morning, good afternoon.

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-OK. Your sign says you do invisible mending?

-That's right.

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And you'll never be able to tell it was broken.

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Great! Do you think you'll be able to fix this?

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Oh, that really is broken. It won't be cheap.

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You see, that's the problem.

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I'm broke, too. Bit of a cash crisis.

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I don't suppose there's any chance of a freebie?

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Pretty please, with sprinkles on top?

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Well, as you asked so nicely,

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I think I might be able to manage a freebie.

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Give me a few seconds.

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TAPPING

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SAWING

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BANGING

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TOILET FLUSHING

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PNEUMATIC DRILL

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All finished.

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-Well?

-Well, here you go.

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Well, where's the vase?

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-It's right in front of you. I'm holding it. Oh, oh...!

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No, you're not.

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Look, invisible mending.

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Are you telling me you made the vase invisible?

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And you'll never be able to tell it was broken.

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Daah...!

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I can't believe you fell for that.

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That's not funny.

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-CRASHING

-Here's your broken vase back.

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You want me to fix it? You pay me, with sprinkles.

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-But I don't have any money.

-Get a job. Good day to you, young lady.

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Or is it good night?

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RESOUNDING SMASH

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Ha-ha-ha-ha! Heh-heh-heh!

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CLASHING

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-BABY GURGLES

-Tongs.

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Tongs.

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SQUELCHING

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HE GROANS

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Wipes.

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Wipes.

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-BLEEPING

-50cc of talcum powder.

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50cc of talcum powder.

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Guys! You'll never guess what we just found. It's a treasure map.

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Oh, what's that smell?

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Toby.

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-What have you found, Max?

-A genuine, antique, pirate treasure map.

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I found it in the attic inside an old chest.

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Well, anyway, it's very pretty and stuff, but I don't suppose it's of use to anyone,

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so I'll just put it in the bin.

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Hey, this is really old.

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-Hang on, where's the baby?

-What do you mean, "Where's the baby?"

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Well, it was here a second ago.

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It can't have gone far!

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-It's vanished.

-Are you telling me there's a baby loose in this house?

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Yes.

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And it's not wearing a nappy.

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Welcome to Happy Big Burger, where the burgers actually beg to be cooked.

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I saw your advert in the window. Is there still a vacancy?

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-When can you start?

-Immediately.

-The job is yours.

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Don't you want to interview me or anything?

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That won't be necessary. Brothers and sisters, we have a new convert.

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Big welcome to Sister ...?

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-Er, Dani.

-Big welcome to Sister Dani.

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Welcome, Sister Dani!

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This IS a burger bar, right?

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Indeed, sister. We worship the holy trinity...

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burger, fries and shake. Say it with me now, brothers and sisters...

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# We put the gherkin on the burger

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# And the cheese on the gherkin

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# And the burger in the bun...! #

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Praise be!

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I'm talking about the burger, Sister Dani, the ultimate food.

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I'm talking the burgers, the fries, the deli-i-icious vanilla shake.

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-Let me hear you say, give me a bap!

-Give me a bap!

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Let me hear you say, slap on some cheese!

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# Slap on some cheese! Ooh, ooh! #

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Erm, could I just ask a couple of questions?

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-Go ahead.

-Firstly, are you all mad?

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-Yes.

-Thought so. And secondly, when do I get paid?

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We don't get paid.

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We work for the love, the love of our beloved big burger.

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Praise the burger!

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# Praise the burger! Praise the burger!

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-# Praise the burger! #

-Praise the burger.

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-# Praise the burger! Praise it! #

-Praise it.

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I am in so much trouble.

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This is really interesting, you know.

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Yeah, so is looking for a lost baby.

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I could really do with a hand, Sam.

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No vase, no job, no money.

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Mum and Dad are gonna explode.

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-What's up?

-Nothing. The baby's fine.

-I never said it wasn't.

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-(Have you tried looking down the back of the sofa?)

-What was that?

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Er, looking for money down the back of the sofa?

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I'm always finding money down the back of the sofa.

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What, 100-odd quids' worth? Cos that's how much it's gonna cost to get this vase fixed.

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Toby, what are you doing?

0:18:400:18:42

Erm, nothing. I had an itchy face, so I was scratching it.

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-On the carpet?

-Yeah. ..Hey, look what we found.

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It's a treasure map.

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-What, seriously?

-Seriously. Max found it up in the attic.

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Right. Max. He probably just bought it from some junk shop.

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I think it may be the real deal, though.

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Yeah, he didn't even want it.

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He just threw it in the bin.

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HE MOUTHS

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I guess it does look pretty authentic.

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There's a series of clues written round the edge, which I think point

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to treasure buried right underneath the garage floor.

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-Oh, come on!

-Well, this house is pretty old.

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The map could have been here a couple of hundred years.

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Right, and Max just happened to find it today?

0:19:310:19:34

-Dani, you could be standing on a fortune.

-BABY COOING

0:19:340:19:38

I could afford to get that vase mended.

0:19:380:19:40

Worked like a charm.

0:19:400:19:42

Aaah!

0:19:440:19:46

BABY: Ooh-aah!

0:19:490:19:52

BABY SIGHS

0:19:520:19:54

LAUGHTER

0:19:540:19:55

BABY CHUCKLES

0:19:550:19:57

What?

0:20:020:20:04

We've all done it.

0:20:040:20:06

Well, the map says the treasure's buried underneath the garage floor.

0:20:080:20:12

-Dani, think about this.

-You're the one that said there was treasure.

0:20:120:20:15

That doesn't mean we have to dig it up now!

0:20:150:20:17

What will your parents say when they find a big hole in their garage?

0:20:180:20:21

It could be worse if they find that vase still broken.

0:20:210:20:24

-What if there isn't any treasure under there?

-What if I'm wrong?

0:20:240:20:28

It has been known to happen.

0:20:280:20:30

Then we've got the beginnings of a great new, indoor swimming pool.

0:20:300:20:33

Look, guys, think. We could be standing on a fortune.

0:20:330:20:36

But I'm not getting the blame if not.

0:20:360:20:38

And if there is buried treasure, we're gonna be rich and famous.

0:20:380:20:41

-Watcha Samantha. How you doin', darlin'?

-What are you and how did you get in here?

0:20:480:20:52

Daily Scribbler, daily filth. Now since becoming mega-rich,

0:20:520:20:56

what have you spent your money on? Ferrari? Mansion?

0:20:560:20:58

Hyper-sonic helicopter?

0:20:580:21:00

I just bought a rare couple of first editions, darling, and gave the rest to charity.

0:21:000:21:04

-I'll write down "hyper-sonic helicopter".

-That's not what I said!

0:21:040:21:09

-What happened to you?

-Nothing.

0:21:110:21:14

-Have you been spending your money on plastic surgery again, darling?

-Don't be ridiculous.

0:21:140:21:19

-Smile, Tobster!

-I am smiling.

0:21:190:21:22

-Woah.

-I still don't think this is a good idea.

-Nor me, Dani.

0:21:250:21:30

I don't just mean cos I might get mud on my trainers.

0:21:300:21:33

-Agh! There's mud on my trainers.

-Come on, guys, think pirate. What would Johnny Depp do?

0:21:330:21:38

Stand around looking cool and dreamy.

0:21:380:21:41

-We were born to do this.

-Shouldn't we just own up?

-I'm not taking the blame.

0:21:430:21:47

This started cos Max got in my face.

0:21:470:21:49

-It started cos you broke a vase.

-Because he attacked me.

0:21:490:21:52

Because you stole his money. Look, all I'm saying is maybe you ought

0:21:520:21:55

to accept a teensy-weensy, lickle, bitty-witty bit of the blame.

0:21:550:21:58

Perhaps, maybe. Dani.

0:21:580:22:00

-Fine. If you guys don't wanna help, I'll do it on my own.

-Oh, don't be like that.

0:22:000:22:05

Just don't think I'm sharing the fame and fortune with you.

0:22:050:22:09

Looks like we're off the crew.

0:22:090:22:10

Guys, wait! I'm sorry.

0:22:140:22:16

TING, THUMP

0:22:160:22:18

That sounded like something hard. Guys, I've found it!

0:22:180:22:23

I've found the treasure!

0:22:230:22:24

-Aaah!

-Oh, wow! Is that the treasure?

-Aaah! Help me please!

0:22:250:22:33

Aaah! Aaah!

0:22:330:22:35

You know what that sound is, don't you, Ben?

0:22:440:22:46

-Geese?

-It's the sound of revenge. "Just an old map printed out from the internet."

0:22:460:22:54

A few alterations made to look as if the treasure is buried beneath our house

0:22:540:22:58

and then the careful application of some household tea to age it.

0:22:580:23:03

Voila! One instant pirate treasure map.

0:23:030:23:07

You're a genius, Max.

0:23:070:23:09

That I am. And now for the cherry on my trifle of revenge.

0:23:090:23:13

I step in and offer my assistance.

0:23:130:23:17

HE LAUGHS EVILLY

0:23:170:23:19

THEY LAUGH EVILLY I'm doing it again!

0:23:220:23:26

My shovel hit the water pipe!

0:23:330:23:34

You'll have your indoor swimming pool after all, eh?

0:23:340:23:37

-Aaah! We need to do something to plug up the hole.

-We could use Toby's big head.

-Or your big butt.

0:23:370:23:42

-Aaah!

-Ooh!

-Waaaaa!

0:23:420:23:48

DISTANT SCREAMING

0:23:500:23:52

I'm sorry I attacked you and I'm sorry for screaming.

0:23:530:23:57

Apology accepted.

0:23:590:24:02

What are the humans doing now?

0:24:020:24:04

I think they're having something called a...water fight?

0:24:040:24:08

A water fight, eh?

0:24:100:24:13

Ah, water fights are serious fun!

0:24:170:24:21

Aaah! Aaah!

0:24:240:24:27

-What happened?

-The water stopped.

0:24:300:24:32

-I wondered why it was suddenly drier in here.

-How's my hair?

-Damp.

0:24:320:24:36

Just emerged from the ocean like some rugged, stud-muffin, surfer-dude damp?

0:24:360:24:41

-More like just drowned in a puddle, sort of damp.

-Oh.

0:24:410:24:45

Well, well, WATER mess is in here.

0:24:460:24:49

Get it? WATER mess, what a mess?

0:24:490:24:52

-Anyone?

-I don't need you in here gloating, Max.

-I came to help.

0:24:520:24:56

-You?!

-Yep, in fact it was me who turned off the water.

0:24:560:25:00

-Why would you do that?

-I hardly need your drowning on my conscience.

0:25:000:25:04

Why would it be on your conscience?

0:25:040:25:06

-Because I forged the treasure map.

-Oh, I knew it!

0:25:060:25:10

All right, I didn't know it.

0:25:110:25:15

Now who's the smarter one? Say it.

0:25:150:25:18

Say I'm smarter than you. Fine.

0:25:180:25:21

I'll go and turn on the water again.

0:25:210:25:23

All right! You're smarter than me.

0:25:230:25:25

Now admit you underestimated me.

0:25:250:25:27

(Underestimated you.)

0:25:270:25:30

-I can't hear you!

-I underestimated you!

0:25:300:25:32

Great.

0:25:320:25:34

Now we can discuss how I'm going to lend you the money

0:25:340:25:37

-to fix the vase you broke.

-But I took all your money.

0:25:370:25:40

Dani, Dani, Dani!

0:25:400:25:44

Did you seriously think I'm going to leave all my piggy banks where you can find them?

0:25:440:25:48

I'll lend you the money on one condition.

0:25:480:25:52

I know I'm going to regret this.

0:25:520:25:54

Wassu-u-up?

0:25:570:25:59

On the one hand, my brother may be annoying, but at least he paid to get the vase fixed.

0:26:000:26:05

On the down side, I have to pay him back with interest

0:26:050:26:08

by letting him have the den for the rest of the day.

0:26:080:26:10

Wassu-u-up?

0:26:100:26:13

Captain.

0:26:150:26:18

-Agh!

-There's something wrong with this here telescope.

0:26:180:26:22

-Try your other eye.

-Ohh.

0:26:220:26:26

Woah! Yeah, that's better.

0:26:290:26:34

-'Dani, Max, we're home!'

-And not a moment too soon.

0:26:370:26:41

Right, Max, time's up.

0:26:410:26:42

-We want this den back to how it was.

-Get lost, Dani.

0:26:420:26:45

-We're not done!

-Yes, you are.

0:26:450:26:48

NO!

0:27:030:27:05

Oh, that was another fine show.

0:27:090:27:11

What we saw of it.

0:27:110:27:13

We're meant to be superior beings,

0:27:130:27:15

-but you're more interested in fighting.

-It's not my fault.

0:27:150:27:18

I'm easily influenced by what I watch.

0:27:180:27:21

What's on the other side?

0:27:210:27:25

A sport that humans call boxing.

0:27:250:27:28

Great. Let's give it a go.

0:27:280:27:30

# Sometimes I feel like breaking free

0:27:310:27:36

# Let's lift these chains

0:27:360:27:38

# Let's rock these waves right out to sea

0:27:380:27:43

# I will be

0:27:430:27:48

# Breaking free. #

0:27:480:27:51

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