Pirates Dani's House


Pirates

Surreal sitcom about a struggling actress. Dani faces a dilemma after breaking her mum's favourite vase - she is in desperate need of cash to sort out the problem.


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Transcript


LineFromTo

Hurry up, Co-ordinator, it's about to start!

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-Yes?

-Oh!

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I wish you wouldn't do that. Stop sneaking up on people like that.

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A billion years of evolution and all you ever do is nag, nag, nag.

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I can also flush, flush, flush you out the airlock

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if you talk all the way through, again!

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Hi, my name's Dani and this is my wonderful...

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-I'm Sam.

-Oi!

-Her best friend.

-As I was saying...

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I'm her best friend, too. Toby.

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AS I was saying, this is my show. ..Max!

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That's me! I'm her brother.

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- Get out of it. - I'm his best friend.

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AS I was saying, my name's Dani and this is my show.

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-It's not your show...

-No, it isn't!

-It's my show!

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I wonder what the theme of this week's episode is going to be?

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Hi, I'm Dani and this is my house.

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The clue might be that earthling Dani is dressed in a pirate's outfit.

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No, no, don't tell me.

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-I bet it's about plumbers.

-She's dressed as a pirate!

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It's a lumberjack theme, isn't it?

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-No!

-Accountant?

-Ah!

-Window cleaners?

-Ah!

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SHE SPEAKS BACKWARDS

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Hi, I'm Dani and this is my house.

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Well, technically, my parents' house,

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but they're at yoga class while I'm stuck here looking after the baby.

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Waaaah! Waaaah! Waaaaaaah!

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That baby. The baby from hell.

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And through here...

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This is my den. Great, isn't it?

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This is my sofa and, er, that's a half-eaten sandwich.

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And these are my friends Toby and Sam.

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Say hi to the universe, Toby and Sam.

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-Hello!

-Hello, universe.

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Hello, Toby and Sam.

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-Hello, half-eaten sandwich.

-LAUGHTER

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And that's the other half of the sandwich.

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Tell us again, why are we dressed like idiots?

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Yeah, that's seriously messing up my hair.

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You know, a lot of skill goes into making it look this good.

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What, dragging yourself backwards through a hedge?

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-You're funny.

-I thought it would be fun to have a pirate DVD marathon.

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Are those illegal?

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Not pirated DVDs, you fool. She means DVDs about pirates.

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-Johnny Depp.

-Orlando Bloom.

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-Pieces of eight.

-Shiver me timbers.

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-Is that something to do with lumberjacks?

-No, you idiot, pirates.

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Land ahoy, Captain Brown Beard!

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Aarh!

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First mate Tobias, hoist the mainbrace.

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Hoist the mainbrace. Right you are, Captain.

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Remind me again, where is the mainbrace exactly?

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It's on the starboard side.

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Next to the mizzen mast.

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Mizzen mast, right.

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I'm sorry...which one's the starboard side again?

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The right side.

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-My right or your right?

-It's near the poop deck.

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-The what deck?

-The poop deck.

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You're kidding, right?

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Avast ye! Make this scurvy dog walk the plank, Master Samuel.

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I've had enough of his bog-brained prattle!

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-Oh, my pleasure, Captain.

-Wait!

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Wait, wait, wait! I think I might need to visit the poop deck!

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Pirates were the coolest of the cool.

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They did whatever they wanted, went wherever they wanted

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and wore the best clothes.

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Apparently.

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I'm Max. This is my friend Ben. Say hello, Ben.

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Wassu-u-u-up?

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Oi, you, out of the Dani zone.

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Hey, this is my den, too.

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Wassu-u-u-up?

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BOTH: Wassu-u-u-up?

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'Wassu-u-up?' BOTH: Wassup?

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They've got the material, I'll give them that.

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Max, get out, you're cramping my style.

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So speaks the girl with a dead bird on her shoulder.

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Do you want to reach your teens? Now shift it!

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I'll remember this when you need my help.

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-Like that's ever going to happen.

-Come on, Ben.

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Let's go and spend some money and leave the pirates to their scurvy.

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Yeah! ..What's scurvy?

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Wish I could make that little squirt walk the plank.

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That's no way to talk about Toby.

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He's not a dog. He doesn't need walking.

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Ha-ha-ha! Be still, my aching sides.

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Ah, poor Toby. We shouldn't call him a plank.

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Ow!

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Your big sister sucks.

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Tell me about it. "Get out of Dani's room!"

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Never mind. That new football game is out on the Cyber-Effect Box today

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and I just happen to have enough money saved to...

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TINY JINGLE

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There was nearly 50 quid in there!

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-Where's it all gone?

-Maybe you could borrow some off your sister.

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Are you kidding? She's never got any...money...

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CHEERING AND SHOUTING

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Dani...!

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YELL CONTINUES

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Now, to talk like a pirate, it has to come from the back of your throat.

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-Try it.

-Arh.

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No. It's more like... Aaagggh!

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Aaagggh!

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Perfect.

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Pay attention, you charmless, scurvy rascal.

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If there's one thing pirates need, it's good eyesight.

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Now, you's gonna have yourself an eye test.

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Who said that?

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LAUGHTER

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Oh. Oh...er, Captain.

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Now, can you read the first here line on this eye chart?

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-Ar.

-What about this next line?

-Ar, ar.

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-Third line.

-Ar, ar, ar.

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Ar...

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HE GASPS

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Give me back my money.

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-I know you stole it.

-How dare you? I borrowed it.

-Where is it?

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-I spent it all. I'll pay you back eventually.

-I need it today.

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I'm a pirate, Max. This is what we do.

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Yeah, and what I do is demolish big sisters.

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Aagh! Aagh! Get off me! Aaagh! Max!

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Ouch! Ow! Max! Aah!

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These earth creatures are most primitive, Co-ordinator Zark.

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I can't believe they still resolve their disputes with violence.

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-Awful.

-Yes, awful...

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-Would it be OK if I hit you?

-What?

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Just a bit.

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Why in the seven galaxies would you want to hit me?

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It's for a...report type of thing that I'm doing.

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-What report?

-Into, I don't know, why violence is wrong.

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All right, there is no report. Watching all this human aggression

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is really getting me fired up. It's making me all raaa! You know?

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Resist your urges, Co-ordinator Zark.

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Our species has lived a non-violent lifestyle for 1,000 generations.

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We are a peaceful...

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Oh!

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Now do you see why this is wrong?

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-Wrong and fun.

-Ooh!

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SHOUTING

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-Get him off!

-Guys...really childish.

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-Pull her hair! Pull her hair!

-Toby!

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Sorry, caught up in the moment.

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Aaah, right!

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Guys, come on, break it up. You never know who's watching.

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Ow!

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Lay another finger on me and you'll be grounded forever.

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Yeah? How're you gonna do that?

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I'll tell Mum and Dad you swore at me.

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And I'll tell them you're a liar.

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Who do you think they're gonna believe? Me, who's twice as old,

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twice as responsible and twice as smart as you'll ever be, or you,

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the boy who cried for a week when he read the last Harry Potter book?

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Come on, Ben. We're out of here.

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Pirates are stupid anyway.

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Wasn't that a bit much in front of his friend?

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-Yeah, you did plunder his booty.

-It's only Max. He's plankton.

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I heard that!

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-Duck!

-That's a parrot!

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Oh! For a minute there I thought something really bad was going to happen.

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HUGE SMASH No!

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LAUGHTER

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This is Mum's favourite vase. Gran left it to her in her will.

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This is all your fault, Max.

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-You are in so much trouble.

-But, Dani, you're the responsible one.

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You were in charge when it happened, so, technically, it's your fault.

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Get out now before I break you, too!

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Is this your parrot?

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Seriously, Mum is going to do her nut.

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You have no idea how much this vase means to her.

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"Meant" to her, surely?

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Waaaah!

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- Waaah! Waaah! - That's all I need.

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Stealing my money!

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Insulting me! She's not going to get away with this, Ben.

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We need to strike her where it hurts.

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Her nose?

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We have to think up a revenge so sweet that it hurts.

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Sweet, eh?

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We could feed her sugar until her teeth turn black,

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so she gets toothache and she has to have all of her teeth pulled out,

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so all she can eat is mushed-up mush, mush, mush.

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Sweet as in evil.

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-Evil and brilliant.

-She seems to be quite into pirates.

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Maybe a pirate-themed revenge?

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I've got it! She likes pirates so much,

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we'll give her a pirate-themed revenge.

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Wicked!

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HE LAUGHS EVILLY

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THEY BOTH LAUGH EVILLY

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I don't even know why we're laughing!

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If I don't get this vase fixed, my life is as good as over.

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Can you keep an eye on the baby for a bit?

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- Wah-wah, wah-wah! Waaah!

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Two eyes, even? Right, great, thanks. Really appreciate it.

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-But, Dani...

-Back in ten, maybe 20.

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40 at the most.

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BABY COOS

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BABY CACKLES EVILLY

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-- Waaah!

-Ow!

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Right, I'll see what Dani's up to.

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Oh, no, you don't.

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I'm not dealing with that...thing on my own.

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Waaah! BABY FARTS

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Ohhh, gross!

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It's perfectly natural, Toby.

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An expelling of gases which build up in the digestive tract.

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-BABY FARTS AGAIN

-Oh!

-Aw!

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Oh, my... OK, I take it back.

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That is anything but natural.

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BABY CACKLES EVILLY

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Oh!

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Somebody's...teething.

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Waaaaah!

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Co-ordinator, I think there's something wrong with our audio feed on our televisualiser.

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It's making a terrible noise.

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That noise is coming from what the humans call a baby, Co-ordinator Zark.

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-Is it broken?

-I believe not.

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Personally, I actually find the noise quite soothing.

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Really?

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WAAAAH! WAAAAH! WAAAAH!

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Not that soothing!

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Good evening, good morning, good afternoon.

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-OK. Your sign says you do invisible mending?

-That's right.

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And you'll never be able to tell it was broken.

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Great! Do you think you'll be able to fix this?

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Oh, that really is broken. It won't be cheap.

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You see, that's the problem.

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I'm broke, too. Bit of a cash crisis.

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I don't suppose there's any chance of a freebie?

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Pretty please, with sprinkles on top?

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Well, as you asked so nicely,

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I think I might be able to manage a freebie.

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Give me a few seconds.

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TAPPING

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SAWING

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BANGING

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TOILET FLUSHING

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PNEUMATIC DRILL

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All finished.

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-Well?

-Well, here you go.

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Well, where's the vase?

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-It's right in front of you. I'm holding it. Oh, oh...!

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No, you're not.

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Look, invisible mending.

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Are you telling me you made the vase invisible?

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And you'll never be able to tell it was broken.

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Daah...!

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I can't believe you fell for that.

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That's not funny.

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-CRASHING

-Here's your broken vase back.

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You want me to fix it? You pay me, with sprinkles.

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-But I don't have any money.

-Get a job. Good day to you, young lady.

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Or is it good night?

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RESOUNDING SMASH

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Ha-ha-ha-ha! Heh-heh-heh!

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CLASHING

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-BABY GURGLES

-Tongs.

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Tongs.

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SQUELCHING

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HE GROANS

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Wipes.

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Wipes.

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-BLEEPING

-50cc of talcum powder.

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50cc of talcum powder.

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Guys! You'll never guess what we just found. It's a treasure map.

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Oh, what's that smell?

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Toby.

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-What have you found, Max?

-A genuine, antique, pirate treasure map.

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I found it in the attic inside an old chest.

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Well, anyway, it's very pretty and stuff, but I don't suppose it's of use to anyone,

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so I'll just put it in the bin.

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Hey, this is really old.

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-Hang on, where's the baby?

-What do you mean, "Where's the baby?"

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Well, it was here a second ago.

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It can't have gone far!

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-It's vanished.

-Are you telling me there's a baby loose in this house?

0:16:190:16:23

Yes.

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And it's not wearing a nappy.

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Welcome to Happy Big Burger, where the burgers actually beg to be cooked.

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I saw your advert in the window. Is there still a vacancy?

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-When can you start?

-Immediately.

-The job is yours.

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Don't you want to interview me or anything?

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That won't be necessary. Brothers and sisters, we have a new convert.

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Big welcome to Sister ...?

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-Er, Dani.

-Big welcome to Sister Dani.

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Welcome, Sister Dani!

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This IS a burger bar, right?

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Indeed, sister. We worship the holy trinity...

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burger, fries and shake. Say it with me now, brothers and sisters...

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# We put the gherkin on the burger

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# And the cheese on the gherkin

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# And the burger in the bun...! #

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Praise be!

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I'm talking about the burger, Sister Dani, the ultimate food.

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I'm talking the burgers, the fries, the deli-i-icious vanilla shake.

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-Let me hear you say, give me a bap!

-Give me a bap!

0:17:270:17:29

Let me hear you say, slap on some cheese!

0:17:290:17:31

# Slap on some cheese! Ooh, ooh! #

0:17:310:17:34

Erm, could I just ask a couple of questions?

0:17:340:17:37

-Go ahead.

-Firstly, are you all mad?

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-Yes.

-Thought so. And secondly, when do I get paid?

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We don't get paid.

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We work for the love, the love of our beloved big burger.

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Praise the burger!

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# Praise the burger! Praise the burger!

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-# Praise the burger! #

-Praise the burger.

0:17:540:17:56

-# Praise the burger! Praise it! #

-Praise it.

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I am in so much trouble.

0:18:010:18:04

This is really interesting, you know.

0:18:040:18:07

Yeah, so is looking for a lost baby.

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I could really do with a hand, Sam.

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No vase, no job, no money.

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Mum and Dad are gonna explode.

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-What's up?

-Nothing. The baby's fine.

-I never said it wasn't.

0:18:190:18:25

-(Have you tried looking down the back of the sofa?)

-What was that?

0:18:250:18:28

Er, looking for money down the back of the sofa?

0:18:280:18:31

I'm always finding money down the back of the sofa.

0:18:310:18:35

What, 100-odd quids' worth? Cos that's how much it's gonna cost to get this vase fixed.

0:18:350:18:40

Toby, what are you doing?

0:18:400:18:42

Erm, nothing. I had an itchy face, so I was scratching it.

0:18:420:18:49

-On the carpet?

-Yeah. ..Hey, look what we found.

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It's a treasure map.

0:18:570:18:59

-What, seriously?

-Seriously. Max found it up in the attic.

0:18:590:19:01

Right. Max. He probably just bought it from some junk shop.

0:19:010:19:05

I think it may be the real deal, though.

0:19:050:19:08

Yeah, he didn't even want it.

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He just threw it in the bin.

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HE MOUTHS

0:19:130:19:15

I guess it does look pretty authentic.

0:19:170:19:19

There's a series of clues written round the edge, which I think point

0:19:190:19:23

to treasure buried right underneath the garage floor.

0:19:230:19:26

-Oh, come on!

-Well, this house is pretty old.

0:19:260:19:28

The map could have been here a couple of hundred years.

0:19:280:19:31

Right, and Max just happened to find it today?

0:19:310:19:34

-Dani, you could be standing on a fortune.

-BABY COOING

0:19:340:19:38

I could afford to get that vase mended.

0:19:380:19:40

Worked like a charm.

0:19:400:19:42

Aaah!

0:19:440:19:46

BABY: Ooh-aah!

0:19:490:19:52

BABY SIGHS

0:19:520:19:54

LAUGHTER

0:19:540:19:55

BABY CHUCKLES

0:19:550:19:57

What?

0:20:020:20:04

We've all done it.

0:20:040:20:06

Well, the map says the treasure's buried underneath the garage floor.

0:20:080:20:12

-Dani, think about this.

-You're the one that said there was treasure.

0:20:120:20:15

That doesn't mean we have to dig it up now!

0:20:150:20:17

What will your parents say when they find a big hole in their garage?

0:20:180:20:21

It could be worse if they find that vase still broken.

0:20:210:20:24

-What if there isn't any treasure under there?

-What if I'm wrong?

0:20:240:20:28

It has been known to happen.

0:20:280:20:30

Then we've got the beginnings of a great new, indoor swimming pool.

0:20:300:20:33

Look, guys, think. We could be standing on a fortune.

0:20:330:20:36

But I'm not getting the blame if not.

0:20:360:20:38

And if there is buried treasure, we're gonna be rich and famous.

0:20:380:20:41

-Watcha Samantha. How you doin', darlin'?

-What are you and how did you get in here?

0:20:480:20:52

Daily Scribbler, daily filth. Now since becoming mega-rich,

0:20:520:20:56

what have you spent your money on? Ferrari? Mansion?

0:20:560:20:58

Hyper-sonic helicopter?

0:20:580:21:00

I just bought a rare couple of first editions, darling, and gave the rest to charity.

0:21:000:21:04

-I'll write down "hyper-sonic helicopter".

-That's not what I said!

0:21:040:21:09

-What happened to you?

-Nothing.

0:21:110:21:14

-Have you been spending your money on plastic surgery again, darling?

-Don't be ridiculous.

0:21:140:21:19

-Smile, Tobster!

-I am smiling.

0:21:190:21:22

-Woah.

-I still don't think this is a good idea.

-Nor me, Dani.

0:21:250:21:30

I don't just mean cos I might get mud on my trainers.

0:21:300:21:33

-Agh! There's mud on my trainers.

-Come on, guys, think pirate. What would Johnny Depp do?

0:21:330:21:38

Stand around looking cool and dreamy.

0:21:380:21:41

-We were born to do this.

-Shouldn't we just own up?

-I'm not taking the blame.

0:21:430:21:47

This started cos Max got in my face.

0:21:470:21:49

-It started cos you broke a vase.

-Because he attacked me.

0:21:490:21:52

Because you stole his money. Look, all I'm saying is maybe you ought

0:21:520:21:55

to accept a teensy-weensy, lickle, bitty-witty bit of the blame.

0:21:550:21:58

Perhaps, maybe. Dani.

0:21:580:22:00

-Fine. If you guys don't wanna help, I'll do it on my own.

-Oh, don't be like that.

0:22:000:22:05

Just don't think I'm sharing the fame and fortune with you.

0:22:050:22:09

Looks like we're off the crew.

0:22:090:22:10

Guys, wait! I'm sorry.

0:22:140:22:16

TING, THUMP

0:22:160:22:18

That sounded like something hard. Guys, I've found it!

0:22:180:22:23

I've found the treasure!

0:22:230:22:24

-Aaah!

-Oh, wow! Is that the treasure?

-Aaah! Help me please!

0:22:250:22:33

Aaah! Aaah!

0:22:330:22:35

You know what that sound is, don't you, Ben?

0:22:440:22:46

-Geese?

-It's the sound of revenge. "Just an old map printed out from the internet."

0:22:460:22:54

A few alterations made to look as if the treasure is buried beneath our house

0:22:540:22:58

and then the careful application of some household tea to age it.

0:22:580:23:03

Voila! One instant pirate treasure map.

0:23:030:23:07

You're a genius, Max.

0:23:070:23:09

That I am. And now for the cherry on my trifle of revenge.

0:23:090:23:13

I step in and offer my assistance.

0:23:130:23:17

HE LAUGHS EVILLY

0:23:170:23:19

THEY LAUGH EVILLY I'm doing it again!

0:23:220:23:26

My shovel hit the water pipe!

0:23:330:23:34

You'll have your indoor swimming pool after all, eh?

0:23:340:23:37

-Aaah! We need to do something to plug up the hole.

-We could use Toby's big head.

-Or your big butt.

0:23:370:23:42

-Aaah!

-Ooh!

-Waaaaa!

0:23:420:23:48

DISTANT SCREAMING

0:23:500:23:52

I'm sorry I attacked you and I'm sorry for screaming.

0:23:530:23:57

Apology accepted.

0:23:590:24:02

What are the humans doing now?

0:24:020:24:04

I think they're having something called a...water fight?

0:24:040:24:08

A water fight, eh?

0:24:100:24:13

Ah, water fights are serious fun!

0:24:170:24:21

Aaah! Aaah!

0:24:240:24:27

-What happened?

-The water stopped.

0:24:300:24:32

-I wondered why it was suddenly drier in here.

-How's my hair?

-Damp.

0:24:320:24:36

Just emerged from the ocean like some rugged, stud-muffin, surfer-dude damp?

0:24:360:24:41

-More like just drowned in a puddle, sort of damp.

-Oh.

0:24:410:24:45

Well, well, WATER mess is in here.

0:24:460:24:49

Get it? WATER mess, what a mess?

0:24:490:24:52

-Anyone?

-I don't need you in here gloating, Max.

-I came to help.

0:24:520:24:56

-You?!

-Yep, in fact it was me who turned off the water.

0:24:560:25:00

-Why would you do that?

-I hardly need your drowning on my conscience.

0:25:000:25:04

Why would it be on your conscience?

0:25:040:25:06

-Because I forged the treasure map.

-Oh, I knew it!

0:25:060:25:10

All right, I didn't know it.

0:25:110:25:15

Now who's the smarter one? Say it.

0:25:150:25:18

Say I'm smarter than you. Fine.

0:25:180:25:21

I'll go and turn on the water again.

0:25:210:25:23

All right! You're smarter than me.

0:25:230:25:25

Now admit you underestimated me.

0:25:250:25:27

(Underestimated you.)

0:25:270:25:30

-I can't hear you!

-I underestimated you!

0:25:300:25:32

Great.

0:25:320:25:34

Now we can discuss how I'm going to lend you the money

0:25:340:25:37

-to fix the vase you broke.

-But I took all your money.

0:25:370:25:40

Dani, Dani, Dani!

0:25:400:25:44

Did you seriously think I'm going to leave all my piggy banks where you can find them?

0:25:440:25:48

I'll lend you the money on one condition.

0:25:480:25:52

I know I'm going to regret this.

0:25:520:25:54

Wassu-u-up?

0:25:570:25:59

On the one hand, my brother may be annoying, but at least he paid to get the vase fixed.

0:26:000:26:05

On the down side, I have to pay him back with interest

0:26:050:26:08

by letting him have the den for the rest of the day.

0:26:080:26:10

Wassu-u-up?

0:26:100:26:13

Captain.

0:26:150:26:18

-Agh!

-There's something wrong with this here telescope.

0:26:180:26:22

-Try your other eye.

-Ohh.

0:26:220:26:26

Woah! Yeah, that's better.

0:26:290:26:34

-'Dani, Max, we're home!'

-And not a moment too soon.

0:26:370:26:41

Right, Max, time's up.

0:26:410:26:42

-We want this den back to how it was.

-Get lost, Dani.

0:26:420:26:45

-We're not done!

-Yes, you are.

0:26:450:26:48

NO!

0:27:030:27:05

Oh, that was another fine show.

0:27:090:27:11

What we saw of it.

0:27:110:27:13

We're meant to be superior beings,

0:27:130:27:15

-but you're more interested in fighting.

-It's not my fault.

0:27:150:27:18

I'm easily influenced by what I watch.

0:27:180:27:21

What's on the other side?

0:27:210:27:25

A sport that humans call boxing.

0:27:250:27:28

Great. Let's give it a go.

0:27:280:27:30

# Sometimes I feel like breaking free

0:27:310:27:36

# Let's lift these chains

0:27:360:27:38

# Let's rock these waves right out to sea

0:27:380:27:43

# I will be

0:27:430:27:48

# Breaking free. #

0:27:480:27:51

Surreal sitcom about a struggling actress, continuously left in charge of her annoying younger brother Max, his none-too-bright sidekick Ben and their youngest sibling - the baby from hell.

As Dani cannot go out with her friends Toby and Sam, the trio end up spending most of their time in Dani's house in her hip den hangout.

Dani and her pals assume that their antics are being broadcast to the world and beyond. In fact, their zany activities are being closely observed from on high by a pair of aliens, Zarg and Zark, who are hooked on Dani's show, and who bear an uncanny resemblance to Dani and Toby.

Dani faces a dilemma - she has broken her mum's favourite vase and, as she has already 'borrowed' money from Max, she is in desperate need of cash to sort out the problem. The solution might just be buried underneath the house.