Best Friends Dani's House


Best Friends

Surreal sitcom about a struggling actress, continuously left in charge of her young siblings. Sam and Toby go to a party without Dani and get on surprisingly well.


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Transcript


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THEY SNORE

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ALARM SOUNDS

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Warning. Warning. Asteroid approaching.

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Evasive action required.

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Brace for impact.

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Collision avoided.

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Oh... Oh, I was having the weirdest dream

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that we almost got hit by an asteroid. Me too.

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Oh, it's Dani's house.

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Phew, we were lucky, we almost missed it.

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Hi, my name's Dani, and this is my wonderful...

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I'm Sam, her best friend. Oi! As I was saying...

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I am her best friend too, Toby.

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As I was saying, this is my show.

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Max! That's me! I'm her brother.

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And I'm his best friend Ben.

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As I was saying, my name is Dani and this is my show.

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EVERYONE SPEAKS AT ONCE

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It is blatantly my show.

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Buenos noches.

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Hola.

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Wassup?

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Che pasa? We Three Amigos are off to a Mexican party.

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Who has a Mexican party? Mexicans.

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And my friend Libby who clicked on the wrong button

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and got 500 nachos with her online shopping.

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I'll bring you back some guacamole and gossip.

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And I will bring you back some fascinating factoids

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about the land of the Mayans. Mexico!

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And I'll make sure she doesn't.

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Why aren't you wearing your moustache?

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Facial hair doesn't suit me. Plus the glue clogs your pores.

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Mm...good job I groom mine then.

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I got us the invite, the least you can do is wear your tash. Aaaah!

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ALL: Riba!

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Coordinator Zarg, why do humans grow hair on their face?

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Is it to hide their repulsive, bug-eyed features

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from the rest of the Universe?

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Of course. Plus 100 years ago it was compulsory for important jobs

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like President and circus freak.

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Facial hair is often used to symbolise strength and power.

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WHIRRING NOISE

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What a primitive way of displaying social status.

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WHIRRING NOISE

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Positively barbaric.

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OK, look, I win.

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WHIRRING NOISE

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Not even close.

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THEY SING THE "CONGA"

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Let's get the conga out there. Bye, bye, see you later.

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Freeze. These can freeze people? Awesome!

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Fire! Aaaah!

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Can't go to the party.

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Some squirts won't stop me -

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and I'm not talking about the water pistols.

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THEY LAUGH

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ANSWERPHONE: 'Hi, Dani. It's Mum and Dad.

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'We bumped into some friends and they invited us to dinner.

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'Can you babysit? Thanks, love. Bye.' They said they'd be back by six.

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Can my social life get any worse?

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'And don't forget to change the baby's nappy.'

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BABY CRIES

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BABY BREAKS WIND

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Incoming!

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Great, that's all I need.

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Look, forget the party.

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We will stay here and have fun. Right, Toby?

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Have you no sense of smell?

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SHE KICKS HIM Ow! Great idea.

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And there's an amazing documentary tonight on TV

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about the life cycle... of a dung beetle!

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You need to get a life cycle.

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Just because I'm on nappy-watch shouldn't stop you two from going.

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THEY LAUGH What? Just the two of us?

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Yeah, right.

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You're serious.

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But, it would feel weird just going with Sam. Thanks.

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It's not like you two have never hung without me before.

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Really?

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You are like the friendship glue holding us together.

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We're like H2O - without you we're just two hydrogen atoms

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floating about and you are the oxygen that turns us into water.

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This is why we don't hang out.

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It's like trying to have a conversation with a chemistry set.

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Come on, guys. You must have more in common than just me. Go!

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Be friends, play nice. Say hi to Libby for me.

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OK. But...no geek talk.

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What's wrong with Greek?

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It's a beautiful language, used by Plato and Soc...

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rates. You said geek.

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It'll be a long night.

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Sure you'll be OK? With you two gone, I'll get some peace and quiet.

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Waaaaaaah!

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BABY CRIES Charge!

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Charge! Charge!

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Wey-hey!

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Charge! Fire!

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Fire!

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Fire! BABY CONTINUES TO CRY

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AAAAGHHHH...

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GLASS SHATTERS

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..AAAAAAAAGHHH...

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AAAAAAAAGHHH...

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Ah, that does feel better.

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Let's see if we can make you feel better too.

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Good afternoon, good evening, good morning.

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Did you know the average washing machine could fire 540 bullets a minute...? Oh...

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That's a machine gun.

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The sign outside says this was a doctor's surgery.

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Yes, I'll have you fixed in no time.

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Is it your nose, it does look very swollen? It's not me, it's the baby.

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It won't stop crying.

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Right, did you buy it here?

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What? I cannot repair or replace it without a valid receipt.

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It's a baby. It was delivered.

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Ah, you bought it on line.

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Then I'll see what I can do.

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How to repair a...man,

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woman, toaster...

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Ah, baby, here we are. Have you tried switching it on and off again?

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Am I right in thinking you've not had a lot of experience with babies?

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I have mended a lot of waste disposal units which are very similar.

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Time to leave.

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Um, all you have to do is massage his tummy like so.

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BABY GURGLES

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Wow, that is amazing. Here, let me try.

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Just a build-up of gas, this helps to unblock the sink. I mean, baby.

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BABY BREAKS WIND

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There's a good baby. Please, don't gas me.

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THEY BREAK WIND

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DOORBELL RINGS

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Morning. Hiya.

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So, how did it go last night?

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Remember when I calculated pi to 100 decimal places?

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Last night was even more exciting, it totally broke my awesome meter.

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Awesome meter?

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Toby uses it to measure how awesome something is.

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From snoresome to awesome.

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This party was off the scale. But you don't even like parties.

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That was before I met Pedro the dancing cactus. BOTH: Arriba!

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But it can't have been that good, I wasn't there.

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MOBILE BEEPS

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Oh, it's a videotex from Libby.

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"Sorry you missed the best party of the century."

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THEY SING

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BOTH: Arriba!

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You really caught some air.

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I had a good teacher.

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Ow!

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Arriba!

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LAUGHTER

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BOTH: Stand and deliv...

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Get out and STAY OU-U-U-U-T!

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Max, she took our...

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I know. You saved your pocket money for three months to buy those.

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Six months. I saved for six months.

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Don't worry, we'll get them back.

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Oh yes...

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..no one messes with the Max machine.

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SPAGHETTI WESTERN MUSIC PLAYS

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HE SPITS

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SHE SPITS

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HE BLOWS

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SHE BLOWS

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HE BLOWS, SHE BLOWS

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Is it me, or are Sam and Toby totally ignoring me?

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When they talk they keep finishing each other's sentences.

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What's that all about? Here, have a listen.

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MUFFLED VOICES

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I still can't hear them, Co-ordinator Zarg,

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could you turn up the volume?

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Sorry. Wrong button.

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I would love to go to...

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Mexico. Me too. Wouldn't that be...

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..intense! Maybe we could go... ..together. Great... ..idea.

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I wanted them to become better friends, not best friends.

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For all they care, I may as well not be here, it's like I'm invisible.

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What do you want, Laser Girl?

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I want to fight for truth, justice and liberty.

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No, I mean what do you want to eat? Sorry, Robin Boy.

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I'll have the usual.

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Two grilled chicken salads. BOTH: Hold the fries.

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Erm, what about me?

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Sorry, Invisible Girl, forgot you were there.

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I'm here.

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Oh. Sorry, Invisible Girl, forgot you were there.

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No, I'm here.

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Hello! I am in front of your faces.

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Now I'm in front of your faces.

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Oh, I'm sick of being ignored!

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CLATTERING

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Burger and fries, please. Who said that?

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I mean, we're still friends, right?

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Probably just me being a drama queen - again.

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SNIGGERING

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Well, well, well, I think we just found a way to get back at Dani

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for taking our water pistols.

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We fill her sheets with honey?

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No. We put a skunk in her bed?

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No.

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We...

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No, that's all I've got.

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We get her Achilles' heel.

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You want to steal her shoes?

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No, it doesn't mean that. It means I have something she hasn't.

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A best friend. Yeah. So who's that then?

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You, you duh-brain. Thanks.

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Say "cheese". BOTH: Cheese.

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EVIL CACKLE

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BOTH LAUGH

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I don't even know why we're laughing.

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MOBILE BEEPS

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"Can me and my best friend please have our water pistols back?"

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CHATTERING AND LAUGHTER

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How come everyone has a best friend besides me?

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APPLAUSE

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My next contestant is Dani.

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Where are you from and what do you do? Well, I'm...

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Ha, ha, that's wonderful. Before you spin the wheel of friendship...

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# Wheel of friendship... #

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..let's look at tonight's star prize.

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Yes, you could be going home with your very own best friend!

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AUDIENCE OOHS AND AHHS

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Now, spin...the...wheel!

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Ha, ha, right.

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AUDIENCE: Aw!

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Aw, well, you don't go home empty-handed.

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You get our very own consolation friend.

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Max, what if Dani finds me looking for the water pistols?

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Don't worry, Mum's got a first aid kit.

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OK!

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Get in there!

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MIAOW!

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Hey, what's this?

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Dani's diary?!

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Wonder if there's anything about me?

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Unless it's got a pump action and blasts water over 30 metres,

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I'm not interested. Keep looking.

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What's a diary? It's where they milk cows.

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Rabbit, rabbit, don't you two ever stop talking?

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We're planning a world... ..trip. If we had the... ..money.

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Places we'd go, things we'd... ..see? BOTH: Buy.

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So, where are we going first?

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Australia? G'day, mate. Or America.

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How's it hanging, dude?

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You can't come. You've got your acting to think of.

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We'll send you a... ..postcard.

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Thanks(!) Isn't it great how friends finish each other's...

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..lunch. ..homework?

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..sentences. BOTH: Oh!

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Fancy another... ..game of foosball? Set 'em up, sis!

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Heartbroken. Can you fix it?

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Depends on who did the damage. Boyfriend? Parents?

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Brother or sister? Friends.

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Tricky. The others are easier to fix,

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but friends, they can really gum up the works.

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Are you just saying this so you can charge me more money? Yeah.

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You're heartless. No, I've got plenty.

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I've got hard hearts, soft hearts, brave hearts, sweet hearts,

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heart...

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two hearts. Hmm, warm hearts.

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It's working again!

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Er, no, it's definitely broken.

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You have to buy one of these. It's beating.

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No, it isn't.

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She really doesn't like you.

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Tell me something I don't know.

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What's taking so long? I could've made some water pistols by now!

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Hi, Max. Please don't hurt me!

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Everybody hates me.

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Am I really that bad a person?

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Am I really that bad a person?

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It's a trick question, right?

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I say yes and then it's wham, lights out.

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Sam and Toby, I think they're about to dump me.

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Well, you know what they say.

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BOTH: Three's a crowd.

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What am I going to do?

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You need to show them what a great person you are by, say,

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giving me back the water pistols?

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Nice try, fart face.

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Remember what a great person you are!

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Aaaaaaah!

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Ooooooh!

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TWANG! Ouch.

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Ooh, now that's what I call a wedgie.

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HIGH VOICE: If I wasn't your friend, this never would have happened.

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Oh, come on, that's wedgie talk!

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Being my friend is fun. Ooh!

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Does this look like fun?!

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We'll get the water pistols back and start having a laugh again.

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I promise! We'd better.

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Oooooh!

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HE SNIGGERS

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It's not funny!

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I'm not...laughing.

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SNIGGERING CONTINUES

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Hey, guys!

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Great shot, Toby. Love those boots, Sam.

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So, how about you two staying tonight for a sleepover?

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I've got popcorn and DVDs!

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Sorry, Dani, we can't tonight.

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Yeah, Pedro invited us to the show he's performing in.

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He's a professional dancing cactus.

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Yeah, he's a background skater on Cowboys On Ice.

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Sounds fun. I'll come too.

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Um, trouble is, he gave us the last two tickets. Oh.

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But she can come to the wrap party, right?

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Yeah, sounds cool.

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Yeah, sounds cool.

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Actually, you can only get in with those backstage passes he gave us.

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You've got backstage passes?

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Sorry, Dani. Maybe next time, yeah?

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Oh, I just remembered, I couldn't've gone tonight anyway.

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Babysitting again?

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No!

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I'm going out with one of my famous friends.

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Oh, yeah, who?

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Harry Potter.

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Dani, he's just a character in a book.

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I mean Daniel Radcliffe who plays Harry Potter.

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You know Daniel Radcliffe?

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Yeah. He's, erm, taking me to a movie premiere.

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You're going to a movie premiere tonight with Daniel Radcliffe?

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Yep.

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My awesome meter just exploded.

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What's he like...? You've got to tell me...!

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So, the more friends you have, the more popular you are.

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The more popular you are, the happier you become.

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We're way more popular than you are.

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Co-ordinator Zark, cloning yourself does not count.

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She's not my clone. She's not?

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No way. I look nothing like her.

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What's your name? Co-ordinator...

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..Zargofoffadoff.

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What planet did you meet on?

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Flip...

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Flip... Flerg...

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Flip... Flerg... Aha!

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Some friend you turned out to be!

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I can't believe you're going to a movie premiere with Daniel Radcliffe!

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Me neither. And to think we were going to miss all this excitement!

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What about Pedro and the show? You guys can't miss that.

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As amazing as it would have been, this is amazing-er.

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There's no such word as amazing-er.

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Well, there should be. So, tell us.

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What are you going to wear tonight?

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Oh, I...

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I don't think I'm going to go. BOTH: What?

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Yeah, I'm not feeling well.

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You guys should go to the show.

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Somebody's got red-carpet fright!

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All those cameras! Cinderella will go to the ball.

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HP's not the only one who can do a bit of magic. No, really, guys...

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I'm going to be sick. Better out than in, you don't want that

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on the red carpet. No, but...

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Either she gives us the water pistols back

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or it's pumpkin time for Cinderella.

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Ben? Yeah?

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I said, either she gives us the water pistols back... Never mind.

0:21:080:21:13

Please can I go to the ball, evil stepsister?

0:21:160:21:20

I should probably stop calling you that.

0:21:200:21:23

Cinderella, you can't go to the ball.

0:21:230:21:26

You don't have a dress to wear. Because you're wearing my dress.

0:21:260:21:30

I know, doesn't it look fabulous on me? Ha ha!

0:21:300:21:35

You're right, I am evil. See you.

0:21:350:21:39

BIRDS TWITTER

0:21:410:21:42

You've made me a dress?!

0:21:460:21:47

Oh, you sweet forest creatures, how can I ever thank you?

0:21:470:21:52

BIRDS TWITTER

0:21:520:21:53

Is that embroidery?

0:21:530:21:55

BIRDS TWITTER

0:21:550:21:57

It's bird poo?

0:21:570:21:59

Wooh!

0:22:030:22:04

I hate those landings!

0:22:040:22:07

Ahem! Ahem!

0:22:070:22:10

Fear not, Cinderella, for I am your fairy godmother.

0:22:100:22:14

I have come to make your dreams come true.

0:22:140:22:16

You're getting me a pony? No.

0:22:160:22:20

You are going to the ball to fall in love with a handsome prince.

0:22:200:22:24

Oh, yeah, that.

0:22:240:22:25

I am going to make you the most beautiful girl at the ball.

0:22:250:22:29

Step back.

0:22:290:22:31

Alakazam!

0:22:340:22:36

Thanks a lot(!)

0:22:400:22:42

You're less help than the birds.

0:22:420:22:43

I... I'll go.

0:22:430:22:45

Listen, I'm not... Close your eyes.

0:22:560:22:58

Look, I'm not really going out to with Daaaaaaa...

0:23:010:23:04

What I'm trying to tell you is...

0:23:070:23:09

HAIRDRYER DROWNS HER OUT

0:23:090:23:12

HAIRDRYER STOPS OK?

0:23:130:23:15

Great, but we've really got to get you ready for a premiere. But...

0:23:150:23:18

I'm not going to a movie premiere with Daniel Radcliffe!

0:23:230:23:25

Not dressed like that you're not.

0:23:280:23:30

Get out while we accessorize.

0:23:300:23:31

I just want a burger!

0:23:410:23:43

Write, "Dear Georgie, with love!" Let's have a look at your hair!

0:23:440:23:48

Just leave me alone!

0:23:480:23:50

EVERYTHING FALLS SILENT

0:23:500:23:53

Ah, that's better.

0:23:530:23:55

Hello?

0:23:560:23:58

Anybody there?

0:23:580:24:00

Could I get some attention over here, please?

0:24:000:24:03

Hello?

0:24:030:24:07

Hello, world.

0:24:070:24:09

BOTH: Hello, Earthlings.

0:24:100:24:12

Are you ready for the new-look Dani?

0:24:130:24:15

A drum roll, please.

0:24:150:24:17

Here's Dani!

0:24:170:24:19

Listen, guys, I'm not really...

0:24:190:24:22

Wow! I look amazing!

0:24:230:24:25

You'd have done the same for me. Without the

0:24:250:24:27

make-up and dress, obviously. That's what friends are for.

0:24:270:24:31

She's crying. These things happen all the time on those makeover shows.

0:24:370:24:41

She's loving our work!

0:24:410:24:43

THEY SOB

0:24:440:24:46

She looks so pretty!

0:24:490:24:52

Hand over the water pistols, you're not going anywhere.

0:24:540:24:58

Go on then, give it your best shot. All over the dress.

0:25:010:25:05

Max, you said she'd beg us not to.

0:25:050:25:07

She's bluffing. You're not getting the water pistols back ever.

0:25:070:25:11

So now what are you going to do?

0:25:110:25:13

Max? Stand your ground.

0:25:130:25:14

She's not going to blow a premiere for a couple of water pistols.

0:25:140:25:19

Do you mean the water pistols I smashed up and threw in the bin?

0:25:190:25:22

You didn't. It's the most fun I've had in ages.

0:25:220:25:25

You're going to pay.

0:25:250:25:26

Don't do it, Max, she could get us Harry Potter's autograph.

0:25:260:25:29

Remember the wedgie?

0:25:290:25:32

Ooh!

0:25:320:25:33

BOTH: No!

0:25:430:25:45

Why did you do that?

0:25:530:25:54

You can't go to a movie premiere covered in ketchup.

0:25:540:25:57

Or chocolate sauce.

0:25:570:25:59

I'm not friends with Daniel Radcliffe.

0:26:010:26:03

So who are you going to the premiere with? Ron?

0:26:030:26:06

No. Hermione?

0:26:060:26:08

No. Dumbledore?

0:26:080:26:10

Is it anyone's autograph we can sell on the internet?

0:26:100:26:13

There is no movie premiere. I made the whole thing up. ALL: What?!

0:26:130:26:17

I was jealous.

0:26:170:26:18

I was jealous.

0:26:180:26:19

I thought you two didn't want to be my friend anymore, so I made one up.

0:26:190:26:22

Dani! You made us miss two hours of cowboys dancing on ice.

0:26:240:26:28

Actually, that would have been really dull.

0:26:280:26:30

Yeah, close call. Thanks, Dani.

0:26:300:26:33

So we're still friends? Well, duh!

0:26:330:26:37

The Three Amigos, remember?

0:26:370:26:39

ALL: Arriba!

0:26:390:26:41

Let's never do that.

0:26:420:26:44

But of course, you don't get off that easily.

0:26:450:26:48

Aaaagh!

0:26:490:26:51

Another great show.

0:26:530:26:56

Human friendship certainly is strange.

0:26:560:26:59

Co-ordinator Zarg, do you think we could be friends?

0:26:590:27:03

You mean lie to each other and be constantly paranoid whether

0:27:040:27:07

the other person likes us or not? Yes!

0:27:070:27:09

All right then. Friends it is.

0:27:110:27:12

Fancy a nap? Doodle do.

0:27:140:27:16

THEY SNORE

0:27:180:27:19

SIREN BLARES 'Warning, warning!

0:27:190:27:22

'Asteroid approaching!

0:27:220:27:24

'Warning, warning...'

0:27:240:27:27

# Sometimes I feel like breaking free

0:27:290:27:34

# Let's lift these chains

0:27:340:27:36

# Let's ride this wave right out to sea

0:27:360:27:42

# I will be breaking free. #

0:27:420:27:49

Remember the wedgie?

0:27:490:27:51

Noooo!

0:27:510:27:53

OK, just me then, yeah?

0:27:530:27:54

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:27:540:27:57

E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk

0:27:570:27:59

Surreal sitcom about a struggling actress, continuously left in charge of her annoying younger brother Max, his none-too-bright sidekick Ben and their youngest sibling - the baby from hell.

Sam and Toby go to a party without Dani and get on surprisingly well. But is three now a crowd? And how will Max and Ben get their confiscated water pistols back from Dani?