House for Sale Dani's House

Hurry up, Coordinator. Our favourite earth TV show is about to start.

It's the only earth TV show we watch.

It's better than the rubbish telly on our planet.

I like the telly on our planet. Splurging On Ice,

The Blurx Factor, I'm A Fangalangaloid, Get Me Out Of Here.

I wouldn't watch any of that if you paid me.

Only cos you got voted off the Blurx Factor in the first round.

Well, if they were too dumb to recognise my talent for poetry...

Ahem... I floated lonely as a star, they all could see me from afar.

Twinkly, twinkly in the sky, Oh lovely twinkly, lovely ah...ah...

Keep that going and I'll be voting you out of the airlock.

Hi, my name's Dani and this is my wonderful...

-I'm Sam, her best friend.

-As I was saying...

I'm her best friend, too, Toby.

As I was saying, this is my show. Max!

-That's me! I'm her brother.

-Get out!

-And I'm his best friend, Ben.

-As I was saying,

my name's Dani and this is my show.

THEY CHATTER

Oh! Hey, guys.

-Hi, Dani.

-She can't hear you.

Don't ruin the magic.

You're probably wondering why I'm up to my elbows in fake doggy-doo.

-You bet we are.

-Give me strength.

Sounds silly but Sam and I are helping Toby

-with his new practical jokes business.

-Dani?

-Lots to do.

-I'm doing it.

Seems like he's got a lot on his hands. What's next?

-Jet-propelled pigs?

-Shut up, Dani.

-Keep your hair on.

-Executive fake doggy-doo.

-Check.

-Class A rubber cockroaches?

Check.

Extra-strength stink bombs?

-I've got an Egg Compost Surprise and a Gran's Been At The Beans.

-Check.

-And check.

-Let's box them up and ship them out, people.

Business is booming. Hey, we've got a system going here.

And I'm letting you use my den. So don't push your luck.

I'll test the whoopee cushions myself then.

-WHOOPEE CUSHION FARTS

-Oh, too loud.

-WHOOPEE CUSHION SQUEAKS

-Too quiet.

-WHOOPEE CUSHION FARTS

-That was just right.

Toby, I was wondering if I could get my money back soon?

-Your money?

-My birthday money that I lent you to help start up

-your jokes company?

-Oh, that. Um, it's tied up at the moment, Sam.

Um, I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll go through the accounts.

Um, you check whoopee cushions.

WHOOPEE CUSHION FARTS

Them whoopee cushions. What are they like?

Didn't you just throw that one out because it wasn't working?

DOORBELL RINGS

-Ah-ha! I win, squirt.

-Ooh, congratulations.

-The grand prize is Ben.

-Hi, Max. What's that man doing in your garden?

What man?

I think he means me.

That's the man in your garden.

Now he's in here. Freaky.

Hello, children. So, how we all doing then?

Parents home?

Sorry, who are you?

Oh, yes. My card.

Edgar Molloy, Estate Agent?

The very same.

What you doing here?

Popped round to put up your sign.

Our house isn't for sale.

Oh, well I must have made a mis-toke.

Strange, it's the first mistake I've ever made.

I don't get it.

-Look, Mr Molly.

-Molloy.

-Whatever. If this house was for sale,

-my parents would have said.

-I've seen this a lot, you know.

Children are usually the last to know.

Still, never mind.

Perhaps your mummy and daddy will buy you a new dolly with the money.

Don't talk down to me, I'm not a five year old.

Is that better?

Perhaps they didn't mention it in case Dani tried to stop them.

-And you are?

-Max. My card.

"Max Incorporation. The solution to your problem.".

-Nice slogan.

-Thanks.

-And here's my card.

-It's a bus ticket.

I've drawn a cat on the back.

Look, if you've all finished networking,

we've got a problem to sort out.

I take instructions from the parents, not the offspring.

Yeah, nice place, this. Lots of space, plenty of character.

Should go for a decent amount of money.

Is there a lot of money in being an estate agent, Edgar?

Yes, money and power.

You see, when the sale goes through, I am gonna become office manager,

and receive my own gold-plated mobile phone.

Wow.

-Yeah, big time.

-I'm bringing some buyers over shortly,

Maxie boy, so, why don't you and your little chums tidy up?

Dani's not my chum, she's my sister.

Hmm, I know how you feel. I've got a big sister.

That was a man going places.

Max, aren't you bothered Mum and Dad put the house on the market

-without telling us?

-Why would I be bothered?

Don't you remember the deal we made when we moved here?

I want the big room, I want it, I want it, I want it!

Stop making that noise, you little brat!

Not until I get the big room.

I tell you what, how about I have the big room this time

and if we move house again, I promise to give you first pick

of the bedrooms. How's...that?

OK.

Now sign this legally-binding contract.

No!

Perhaps you should give your parents a ring.

They didn't have the decency to discuss it with me

-there's no way I'm speaking to them.

-If you lose the house,

-where will I run my business from?

-Never mind that, our best friend

might be moving to the other end of the country.

What am I meant to do with my cards with this address on?

Couldn't you have run it from your own house?

Mum and Dad had a bit of a sense of humour failure over some

exploding false teeth.

Now my poor aunt's going to be on a soup-only diet for a month.

I'm sure with your connections you'll think of something.

I'll make some calls.

Funny.

Joke phone. Yup.

-So, what you gonna do?

-Find my real phone?

I'm talking to Dani.

Well, apparently the house will get sold quicker if it's tidy,

so...

See you in a bit.

Let me guess. You want our new jolly burger Mexicano with jalapenos

and chilli cheese plus a side order of nacho fries?

-Not exactly.

-A jolly Parisian deluxe with onion rings,

garlic dipping sauce and crispy frog nuggets?

-No, I just want...

-A triple jolly Icelander whale burger

-with blubber sauce with herring flavour fries?

-I want to...

Apple pie, cherry pie, chicken pie, chicken wings, chicken beaks,

chicken feet. Just tell me what you want.

I want to buy your rubbish.

Well, why didn't you say so?

Do you want fries with that?

Yes, I've found my calling, Ben.

I'm going to be an estate agent.

And I'm going to be an estate agent's friend.

I may ask Edgar to be my mentor.

Behind every great man, there's a greater, wiser man.

Harry Potter has Dumbledore.

Anakin Skywalker had Obi-Wan Kenobi.

Ant has Dec.

Toby, as much as I'm impressed by this new business-like you,

don't you think we should do something to help Dani?

I can't help Dani and work out how much money I'm making.

I mean, do you want your money back or not?

-Yes, but...

-Well, then. Sometimes business has to come before friends.

'And tonight, on Office Junior.'

Tell me why you two think you're right for this job.

Well, I'm a natural business person.

I'm a people person and I really need the money.

Whereas I've carried out a full financial risk assessment

-over the next five years, with fiscal projections...

-Shut it!

Both of you.

I need to make a decision.

This isn't going to be easy.

But I have now made that decision.

That decision...

The decision I have made is the decision I am going to reveal now.

Dani. Sam.

I have made my decision.

-BOTH: Get on with it!

-You're both fired.

And one final touch.

Et voila.

Dani, I've got a deal for you.

If you promise not to ruin the sale,

I'll rent you my bigger bedroom when we move.

I've already got a bigger bedroom and that's how it's staying.

What happened in here?

-DOORBELL RINGS

-That's Edgar.

Oops. I can't imagine anyone buying the house in this state.

Don't you dare!

Times eight...

Which comes to...

MOBILE RINGS

Ooh, another customer!

I'll take it out in the hall.

Hello, Toby's Rib Ticklers.

Your majesty?! This is an honour!

It's Buckingham Palace!

What's that, Ma'am? You want a dozen rubber chickens

and a vat of our best fake vomit?

Mum, just go along with it, yeah?

He's never gonna get this done.

What the heck is this?!

-So, how's your plan going?

-If I was viewing this place,

I'd take one look at the living room and go straight back out.

-What's that behind your back?

-Nothing.

You need to take a look at this.

# Welcome to the house

# Welcome to the house

# Welcome to this very nice house

# Tra-la-la-la-la

# Tra-la-la-la-la #

I'm running out of material!

Keep stalling, I'm nearly there!

# Welcome to this very nice house Tra-la-la-la-la... #

Look...

# Tra-la-la-la-la #

Sam, Sam! If I was a judge on Strictly Lame Dancing

-I might be interested.

-Really?!

-I'm a busy man.

I need to get in. Time is money.

-I thought it was a way of knowing when to go to bed!

-Edgar!

Oh, Max, finally! Um, this is Mr Morgan, he's come to view the house.

-# Welcome to the house... #

-Not now, Ben.

Do come in. Treat it like your own home.

Ah, very nice. Very tidy

A lot of character.

The kitchen has a real sense of space.

-You know what else has a sense of space?

-What?

-Space!

-Ah-ha-ha!

-Ha-ha-ha!

The old ones are the best!

Who'd have thought the royal family would be so into their jokes?

-Big order, was it?

-It's gonna put this company on the map!

Fake vomit by royal appointment!

It's about time you made a sale!

-I've made loads of sales! Business is...

-Booming.

-So you keep saying.

-Only, we've just had a look through your accounts

-to see how much you've made.

-And the only thing there is a comic,

Adventures of Captain Tadpole.

How many jokes have you really sold so far?

1...2...uh... None.

But business will pick up, I promise!

When will it pick up? When?

-1st of April!

-You lied to us.

-We thought you were doing great!

I didn't want you guys to think I was a failure

and I felt bad about wasting all Sam's money.

I got that money for my birthday!

I was gonna buy a Solar 3000 microscope!

Don't hurt me!

As you'll see, the den is a great utility area

that can be put to many different uses.

Uh, including a wrestling ring!

Please, don't hit the face, or the hair!

Ignore them!

Why don't we talk about how much you're willing to pay for the house,

I've drawn up a contract.

All it takes is for you to put your name on the proverbial dotted,

-and the house is yours.

-No, no, no! He can't sign.

-Wasn't he put off by the mess in the living room?

-What mess?

Seemed pretty tidy to us!

It's clean!

-Look, Mr Moron...

-Mr Morgan!

Please, don't buy my house!

I don't want a smaller bedroom and I don't wanna move away!

Please! I beg you, kind sir!

Have mercy!

-I knew those acting lessons would come in handy.

-Excuse me,

Would you buy some practical jokes? I'll give you a deal

-on revolving bow-ties.

-I think I've seen enough.

- I'll be in touch. - No, I-I-I've drawn up the contract!

- You can't leave! - I'll be in touch.

What do you think you're doing!

-I need this sale!

-And I need this house!

-I'm not giving up, sister!

-Neither am I, Egbert!

You may have put off Mr Morgan,

but I've got other buyers up my sleeve!

And sooner of later one is gonna sign this contract

Then it'll be goodbye, Dani's house, hello, office manager's job!

I wanted to discuss whether you need an apprentice.

You're putting yourself up, Max?

I can't believe you tried to sell jokes with Mr Morgan!

-I've got to sell them to somebody!

-There's a time and a place!

-I can't do anything right!

-That's perfect.

-What is?!

-Fighting!

I need you to keep it up, and I need a disguise kit.

Good morning, how can I help?

-Do you sell disguises?

-Disguises? You've come to the right place.

They happen to call me The Man of a Thousand Faces!

All right, it's more like 100.

OK, 70.

All right! They call me...

The Man of 3 or 4 Faces!

Now you see me...

And now you don't!

I really don't know why I keep coming here.

This is my sister's room. Apologies for the stench of perfume.

We'll disinfect before you move in.

-< What's wrong with her?!

-Everything!

-< Right(!)

-She always interferes!

You're not supporting my career, you po-faced old...

-What?!

-Yeah, you po-faced old what!

Your career's a joke. Literally! You're reckless,

don't think ahead, you're an empty-headed wretch of a man!

Really? At least when I insult people

I use words they understand!

-What's going on?

-Sorry, bit of a domestic! These are our neighbours.

-What?!

-They're always fighting.

They came about the sewage processing plant

-and off they went!

-What sewage processing plant?

-The one we're building in our garden!

-Lotta money in sewage!

You can't build a sewage processing plant on a residential property!

Why not? It's all organic!

We're getting a herd of cows, too.

The manure will be fresh from the source!

Then hit the ground before we pump it back up into our vat!

-You'll even get used to the smell.

-Eventually.

-My 'tache!

-Ha-ha-ha!

- Not my hair! - Heh-heh, yeah, you're rumbled!

Our real neighbours are a quite elderly couple

-who collect photos of Will Young.

-This is war!

-Bring it on!

No big sister has ever stopped Edgar Malloy from getting what he wants!

Now, this room, uh... has an Australian theme.

Aaargh! Aaargh! Waaah! Rooaaargh!

Plenty of storage!

I didn't lie about my business.

It was more of a slight...untruth.

To protect the innocent!

-It was a lie to save your back. I've never lied to you!

-What can I do?

-Gimme back my money?

-Hmmm. What is this?

It's a brochure for homes in Florida.

And these are airline tickets.

-You don't think...?

-I do.

Oh, I give up!

It's like this stupid house wants to be sold.

Just gonna have to accept that Max gets first pick of the bedrooms.

-There's something you need to know.

-What's happened now?!

-Remember you said you'd probably be moving round the corner?

-Yeah?

-We think you might be moving a tiny bit further.

-Couple of streets along?

Other side of town? Next town over?

Florida?!

Yes, Mr Morgan, it would be an absolute pleasure to see you again!

Yes! Give him five!

-What's the news?

-Mr Morgan's gonna give the house a second viewing!

-And...that's good?

-Yes! It's brilliant!

It means he's interested!

I think he's one tiny nudge away from making an offer!

-So Dani failed?

-Oh yes. 159%!

-Put it there, partner!

-I really can be your partner?

Well, assistant, apprentice, trainee. Let's not run before we walk!

-Every great man has to start somewhere.

-Yes, exactly!

Just think where this could lead for you.

I know. Today, selling houses, tomorrow, the world!

Ladies and gentlemen. The President of the entire...

world!

APPLAUSE

Thank you, Vice President!

It is with great honour that I accept the office of President.

My first act will be to outlaw all big sisters.

As a younger brother myself,

I know they are a menace to society, and must be stamped out!

APPLAUSE

EVIL LAUGHTER

So that's it, then.

I'm moving to Florida. The old gang's splitting up.

We can still see each other.

Yeah, using a really powerful telescope.

We can come visit you in Florida.

I don't know, it's quite humid over there.

Might make my hair frizz.

-I was joking!

-Look on the bright side, guys.

At least we've had all these great times together.

Imagine what life would have been like if we'd never met.

What a disaster(!)

I've just won a Nobel Prize for science!

I'm the youngest actress ever to play Hamlet on Broadway!

I found this down the back of the sofa!

Maybe we should think about something else.

What's the big deal? Florida's not the other side of the world.

Oh, right. Sorry.

Maybe's there's another way we can stop this?

I just wish there was a way we could slow down time.

DESK BELL RINGS

Good morning, good evening, good afternoon.

This is gonna sound strange,

but do you sell anything I can use to slow down time?

This'll also sound strange,

but gilty-bilty, flimble-flimble, wimble-wimble, lalalala, woo, woo!

That does sound strange. Can you help me or not?

Actually, I do have such a device.

WATCH TICKS

They call it the Watch of Eternity.

And it can slow time down?

Slow it, reverse it, stop it altogether.

-How does it work?

-Just one press of the button on the side, and...

Wow! It really does work!

You'll have complete mastery...

over the forces...

of time.

Have you been using that watch?

Who, me? No.

Doesn't stop time at all, does it?

No, it doesn't.

Can it even slow down time?

Not really.

Well, it was worth a shot.

Thought you might want to know that Mr Morgan's coming back

for a second viewing of the house.

Yep, and Max is going to be president of the world.

Don't tell them that yet!

Before you get too excited, you ought to take a look at these.

Mum and Dad are moving to Florida.

-With us?

-Of course with us.

And the baby. We'll be stuck with each other halfway around the world.

-Will I be able to come?

-Er, probably not!

But I can't move to Florida!

I've got to stay here and become Edgar's apprentice.

And a millionaire property baron. And president of the world.

Maybe Ben could take your place.

Yeah! That's a great idea!

APPLAUSE

Hi, Mum!

No, it isn't.

Sure here that Edgar's trying to sell our house.

Textbook moral dilemma.

So, you've got a choice, Max.

Help Edgar and move to Florida, be away from your best friend,

stuck with me, or you can help us put a stop to this.

All right, you...

win!

Well, I'd never thought I'd see the day!

OK, so what's the plan?

Well, it seems to me that the solution to our problem

is staring us right in the face.

Toby, I need your complete jokes catalogue.

Of course! I knew there was a reason I lent him that money.

I thought you were investing in a new microscope.

I can't think of a greater investment than to save Dani's house.

Am I off the hook now?

-Yes.

-Come on people, let's roll!

It's just a saying!

So, if you'd like to take one final look upstairs, Mr Morgan?

No, no. Won't be necessary.

Like to take a quick look at the small print

before you put your signature on the contract?

Well, maybe just one last final look around.

What's in here?

Ahh!

THEY SCREAM AND LAUGH

Are you OK, Mr Morgan?

What's going on?

Nothing, it's fine. I'll be fine.

Just had a bit of a shock, that's all.

Ohh!

Yeah, we do have a bit of a bug problem, I'm afraid.

Still, though, keep you company.

Mr Morgan, let me show you the waste disposal.

Oh, what is that smell?

-Smell?

-Ooh, yes. He's right. There is a smell in here. It's awful.

Er, no. Er, actually...

no, no, it's all in your head, Mr Morgan. There isn't a smell.

There is. But it comes and goes. Soaked into the walls, you see.

But you'll get used to it.

Is that a pile of sick?

Ah yes, sometimes the smell can be a little overwhelming.

Are you all right, Mr Morgan?

I'm...really itchy.

Ah, that's the fleas. They keep the cockroaches company.

Max, what are you doing?

The number one rule of being an estate agent is,

don't tell them the bad stuff!

Got it. Let me take you on a final tour of the bedrooms.

SPOOKY LAUGHING

-Uhh!

-Sorry, the house is built on an old graveyard.

I've changed my mind. I really don't think I could live here after all.

-But...

-Don't try and change my mind.

Ah, it's amazing what you can do

with rubber bugs, stink bombs and itching powder!

The fake sick was a great touch!

We didn't use the fake sick.

Sorry.

So, Max. You're on their side now, are you?

Sorry, Edgar.

Yeah, well, I don't need you.

I don't need anyone to sell this house!

I'm Edgar Malloy!

I always get my sale.

This contract is for number 65.

Yes, this house.

This is number 67. 65 is next door.

-TOBY:

-Which means this house isn't for sale.

-EDGAR:

-No, no, no. I don't make mistakes.

I'm Edgar Malloy! I'm gonna be office manager.

Face it. You messed up.

Edgar! I'm so disappointed in you.

I think it's time you left our house. Don't you?

THEY LAUGH

Hey! I've no idea why we're laughing!

Oi, squirt. Pass the remote.

Certainly, Dani.

Why did you have to sell Max the entire stock of jokes?

I had to pay Sam back somehow.

DOORBELL RINGS

You can get it.

May I?

Mr Morgan.

You've not changed your mind, have you?

Oh no, I really don't want to live here.

Good. Anyway, Edgar got the address wrong.

So I understand. I'd just like you to give this to your parents.

-What's this?

-Planning permission.

I bought the land this house is built on.

And the house next door. And every house on the street.

-ALL:

-What?!

I'm a property developer. I'm having the entire estate razed to the ground

and in its place, I'm going to be building this.

Morgan Towers.

Would you be interested in hiring an apprentice?

-ALL:

-Max!

What's going to happen to the show if Dani's house is demolished?

I dread to think what next!

What would we watch then?

-BOTH:

-Repeats!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]