Weird Wednesday Dani's House


Weird Wednesday

Surreal sitcom about a struggling actress. Sam, Jack and Ben are all sick of Dani and Max's endless fighting, and force them to swap places for a day.


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Transcript


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What shall we start with? Pizza? Popcorn?

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Should you really be eating these unhealthy snacks?

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-I don't see why not.

-Too much of it can be bad for you.

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Know what else can be bad for you? Nagging.

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I'm just saying maybe you could replace some of it

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with something that contains less salt, fat, sugar, E100, E110...

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E-nough! For your information,

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I am the peak of physical fitness.

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Watch me touch my toes.

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Aaah!

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Look. I'm touching them.

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See?

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Hi! My name's Dani and this is my fantastic...

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-Best friend Jack!

-Where was I?

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You're Dani. I'm best friend Sam.

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This is my fantastic new...

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-Max!

-I'm her brother. And it's... Ben?

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It's OUR show!

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Can you just zip it?! My name is Dani and this is my fantastic...

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-THEY ALL SHOUT

-I give up.

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-Aaargh!

-Jack! It is not a toy!

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-Jack!

-Hello!

-Stop!

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Dani, the webcam's all set up.

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In the future, all robots will choose Le Demain.

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-What do you think?

-Terrifying.

-Terrifying?!

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It's a perfume commercial!

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-I felt you were a tad robotic.

-I'm playing a robot!

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-Why do robots have perfume?

-Le Demain is The Tomorrow in French.

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-Sam helped me make the costume.

-Show him the lights!

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Woo! Flashing!

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-Actually, these are really hot.

-Let me adjust those.

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Ah! Actually, they're fine now.

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-Is it unusual to audition by webcam?

-The director's in Los Angeles.

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-If I get the part, they'll fly me to Hollywood!

-Wow. Do ads get Oscars?

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No, but I give punches for sarcasm.

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Now let's take it from the top.

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Le Demain. The scent of the future.

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Whee!

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Behold. The International Chess Fest Cup.

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Win today's final and it's mine.

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You're up against Viktor Viktorius, Russia's greatest chess machine!

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-Indeed I am.

-Aren't you nervous?

-Of course, Ben.

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-Viktor eats, breathes and dreams chess.

-So how will you beat him?

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-Same strategy as the heats.

-You're going to cheat?!

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-You could get banned!

-It's only cheating if I get caught.

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I've studied every game Viktor's played. I know every move he makes.

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-That's hundreds of games. How will you remember it?

-I won't have to.

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I've invented this.

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The duffel coat's been invented. I own several myself.

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The lining has a chess computer.

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And the screen is concealed within the sleeve. See?

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-I do see.

-I'll input the data wirelessly from my laptop.

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Viktor Viktorius will be Viktor Disastrous! Wirelessly streaming now.

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-Is that meant to happen?

-Of course not.

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-Make it work, Sam, please.

-I'm trying, but it's ground to a halt.

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-Someone's moving masses of data over the network.

-Who?

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Who do you think?

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-Here we go again.

-World War Three.

-Think they'll ever stop fighting?

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Today is a historic day.

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Our great nations of Danitopia and the Republic of Maxiland

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have been at war for generations.

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But today we shall sign this treaty,

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-finally bringing an end to the most terrible of conflicts.

-Indeed.

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Bring us the pen of peace.

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FEEBLE FANFARE

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TOOT!

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-A problem, Queen Dani?

-The pen isn't working.

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-Typical weak-wristed Danitopian incompetence.

-What did you say?

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-Just give it here.

-Hands off, you moronic Maxilandian!

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-That does it!

-You know what this means?

-I know exactly what it means!

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BOTH: It's war!

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FEEBLE TOOT

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Whatever you're doing, stop it!

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AAH! An evil robot from the future! Please don't disintegrate me!

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-I have so much to offer!

-Ben, it's me.

-Don't bother knocking(!)

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-Get off the wifi. It's important.

-Nothing you ever do is important.

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-There are things living up Ben's nose that are more important.

-There are?

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-Right.

-How dare you touch my computer!

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I'll do worse than that.

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-Stop! Please, stop!

-You asked for this!

-Aargh!

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-Take that!

-And that!

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They're really going for it.

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Maybe we should do something.

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-Worm!

-Witch!

-Weasel!

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-Enough!

-We're sick of you two fighting!

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It's horrible to listen to.

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You are a pair of wimps! Ben doesn't care if we're fighting.

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Ohhh...

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Sorry, Max, but I'm with Sam and Jack on this.

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-Our fighting's not that bad.

-Not that bad?

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-We've lost count of the times!

-He's always winding me up!

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You always annoy me, too!

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-I'm the responsible one.

-Bossy!

-You were asking for it.

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-Was not!

-Was too!

-At it again?

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-Wasn't!

-Was!

-Stop! Make them stop!

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Right. It's decided. Max and Dani will swap places for the day.

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-What?

-Maybe you'll see the other point of view.

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-Wait!

-We didn't agree to that.

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If you don't do this, maybe we all have to reconsider our friendship.

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What they said.

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So this is what it's like to be Dani.

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Wait - there's something missing. What is it? Oh, yes.

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I remember. Wah wah wah!

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I'm Dani! I think I'm great!

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Look at me, everyone!

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I'm a big, stinking, show-off actor!

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Fetch me a cherryade, thingie.

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First rule of being Dani - she doesn't order her friends around.

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-She orders me around.

-She doesn't like you.

-Ben would get me one.

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And he'd give me a head massage.

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You're terrible friends. This will be harder than I thought.

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You've got an audition to prepare for. Lines to learn, dance steps.

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And a costume fitting.

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We have to adjust the robot suit so they don't know it's not Dani.

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Plenty of time for that later.

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-Come on!

-Hey! You wanted me to live like Dani. Treat me well or I quit.

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Maybe this wasn't such a good idea.

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-Well, we could watch a DVD.

-A short one.

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OK, Attack of the Killer Sloths or Killer Sloths v Dolphins from Space.

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We'll watch what the majority of us want to watch.

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Actually, I slightly love Attack of the Killer Sloths.

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Killer Sloths it is.

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-Would you like a head massage, Dani?

-Em, no, you're fine.

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We could do something else. What do you and Max get up to?

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Max was getting ready for the chess tournament.

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-Plenty of time for that later.

-But I need to show you his plan.

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Perhaps we can tell them that Max is short for Maxine?

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I want to know what it's like to be my brother. What's an average day?

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Usually we start with video games.

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Let's do that, then. What have you got? ..Super Sister Smasher?

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-What's this like?

-You play a plucky younger brother

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-who disintegrates his sister. Max's favourite.

-Can't imagine why(!)

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So what else do you get up to? ..AAAAAAH!

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We like finding new ways to annoy you and your friends.

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Let's do that, then.

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MONSTERS ROAR ON TV

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This movie is so stupid.

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You're not scared, are you?

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No! No.

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Just bored.

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-Waah!

-Waah!

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-Dani, that is not funny!

-I nearly had an accident then.

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-What are you doing?!

-Being you!

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-Sir, the Danitopians are advancing!

-To the war map!

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Right. Our forces are aligned along this ridge here.

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If we advance to this point, then flank them, we'd have the advantage.

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-Interesting strategy. May I suggest another approach.

-You're my advisor.

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Instead, move this unit to here and this unit to here.

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And this to here.

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And then... Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow!

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And this horsey could gallop over here. Neigh! Ch-choom! Ch-choom!

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It's the horsey from hell! Boom!

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And this dinosaur could appear and eat everyone. Roar!

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Aaargh! Roar!

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Argh! Argh! Argh! Argh...argh.

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Or we could just do what you said.

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-That was too funny.

-You're awesome.

-I am. Say it again.

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Don't you ever knock?

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Leave me and my friends alone! We're just trying to watch our movie.

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Oh, no. That's something YOU would say!

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Get out of my room, stinkweed.

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-That's great, Ben. What next?

-We've had fun with this helicopter.

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There's a camera in the nose. We can watch a live video feed.

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-Show me how it works.

-OK, here you go.

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Wow, this is so cool! Look at it! Look at it!

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-Ben, duck!

-Oh!

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Oops.

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What shall we watch next?

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-..which is why she totally sucks.

-What's that you're writing?

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A diary. I finally know why Dani keeps one of these.

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It's helping me let off some steam.

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Max, I've got some bad news.

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-I kind of sort of broke your helicopter.

-No!

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This cost a fortune!

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-You trashed my amplifier.

-You should be preparing for the chess final!

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And what's this? A DVD party?

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Ruin my audition and your life won't be worth living.

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And you'd better win that trophy. Did you show her my plan to cheat?

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I tried to, but she was having fun crashing your helicopter.

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So you were going to cheat? Typical! I won't sink to your level.

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-I'll win Chess Fest the proper way.

-But you have to cheat!

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You're the worst chess player ever!

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Win or I'll ruin your audition.

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Ruin it and I'll embarrass you at Chess Fest.

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-Is that checkmate or stalemate?

-Either way, you have work to do.

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-What about this one?

-Oh, don't tell me. I'll remember.

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-It's the pony.

-The knight.

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-Why couldn't Max enter a singing contest?

-We both know why, Dani.

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Fair point. Max's singing voice does sound like a rusty old foghorn.

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FOGHORN BLOWS

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-I'm just glad he won't sing at my audition.

-The final's at four.

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You'll never be a grandmaster by then. Cheat. It's what Max would do.

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Exactly. No cheating. I'll be a better Max than Max has ever been.

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You're up against this guy. One of the greatest players in the world.

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We don't stand a chance.

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Show me how it works.

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Why do I have to wear this? My sister sweated in it.

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I don't want dirty girlie sweat.

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Wear the outfit or they'll know you're not Dani.

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-You're a perfume-loving robot.

-Takes one to know one.

-Pardon?

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Ow!

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Here are your lines.

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"I may have a heart of pure silicone, but even I like to smell good."

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What's a robot got to do with perfume?! It's stupid.

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You have to forget all of that.

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How long is this commercial? There are tons of words here!

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Why don't we start by teaching you the dance steps?

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That's my department. Just leave it to Dr Rhythm. OK?

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-Stand like this.

-Get off me!

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Or Dr Rhythm will be sued for medical malpractice!

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Left foot.

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Right foot.

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Wiggle those hips...and spin!

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Aaargh!

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Put your arms by your side and stretch. And stretch.

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One, two, three and stretch. And kick to the left.

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And kick to the right. Let's really pick up the pace.

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-One, two, three, swing those arms. Now lick those ears.

-What?

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Lick your ears.

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Now wiggle your hips. Faster. And faster and faster.

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I want to see those hips blurring. Faster! And...relax.

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Now that we've finished the warm-up, let's move on to our main routine.

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No-o-o!

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No pain, no gain.

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One, two, three. One, two, three.

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Is it on? Is this thing on? Can somebody tell me if it's on?

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-It is.

-My coffee tastes like someone died in it!

-Hello, Mr Director!

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-Dani?

-I'm Dani's friend.

-Good for you.

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Would you get out of my shot? I need to see Dani.

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SQUEAKY: Hello! I'm Dani!

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-You?

-Er...is there some problem?

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You're really not what I expected. What's with the scary robot costume?

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It's not meant to be scary.

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Who's that? Who's talking now?

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-My other "friend".

-Please,

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tell them to keep their sweet traps yap-free. Let's see what you got.

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And...action!

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SQUEAKY: I may have a heart of pure silicone,

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but even I like to smell good.

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-I need to take your coat.

-What?

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-Security regulations in case of cheating.

-But it's my lucky coat.

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I don't care. Hand it over.

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I'm in so much trouble.

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APPLAUSE

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So...I...I'm Max. It's short for Maxine.

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I'm your opponent. Oh.

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No hello for me? OK, I just thought it would be nice to get to know...

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-You're my opponent. That is all I need to destroy you.

-Excuse me.

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Like stealing a candy from a baby.

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And that's why robots choose Le Demain.

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Le scent of le future.

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Well?

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Are you going to say anything?

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Words would never convey the thoughts racing through my mind.

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That good, was I?

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Told you I'd nail it.

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I can tell by the look on your face you were blown away.

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Yeah, something like that.

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-It says on your resume that you're also a singer.

-Um...

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-Yes.

-I'd be interested to see if you're as good a singer as an actor.

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What have you got to lose?

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-Stop it.

-Sorry.

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Just nervous.

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Stop tearing the tissue!

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TUNELESS: # Sometimes I feel like breaking free

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# Let's lift these chains Let's rock this wave right out to sea

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# I'm craving... #

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-What's going on? Is Max hurt?

-He's just singing.

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-I thought he was in agony.

-MAX SCREECHES

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Stop, please! I've heard enough!

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-Enough...

-So what do you think?

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That performance was the most dreadful thing I have ever seen.

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Have you ever heard the phrase, "So bad it's good"?

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You are either the worst singer/actor in the world...

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..or you are a comic genius!

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-So did I get the job?

-Get the job?

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I gotta love your chutzpah!

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It's a simple enough question.

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Stop it!

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Stop doing that!

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SCRAPE

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Got it!

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Look at me! Look at what you've done!

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Well, how long are you going to take? It's really boring.

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Fine. I'll make my move. AUDIENCE GASPS

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APPLAUSE

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-I guess that's it, then. I was always going to lose.

-Lose?

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You put me off so badly that I wasn't concentrating.

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I played myself into a checkmate!

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-And that means what?

-You've won Chess Fest!

-I have?

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I won Chess Fest.

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I won Chess Fest! I won Chess Fest!

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This war weighs heavily upon me.

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-Have you a way to bring it to a swift end?

-Indeed I have, Majesty.

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-In this crate I have the ultimate weapon.

-Will it bring peace?

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-I guarantee it.

-Please demonstrate.

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Behold! The weapon to end all wars!

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We surrender!

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-We surrender!

-And may I see it?

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But of course, Your Majesty.

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Ow! Ow! Your Majesty!

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Come back!

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I'm home!

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-This is for you.

-You won it?!

-Yeah.

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And I didn't need to cheat.

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-So what about my audition?

-Actually, he got the job.

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-What?

-The director was so impressed, he tore up the script

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-and is going in a new direction.

-I still fly to Hollywood?

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Not exactly. They're coming here

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to our rain-soaked British shores. Filming on a rubbish tip.

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Rubbish tip? A stinking rubbish tip?

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The director wants to create a desolate futuristic landscape.

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The Earth is dying, the stench of decay is in the air.

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The robot doesn't mind because he's wearing Le Demain,

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the scent of the future!

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-Great(!)

-Can we please end this stupid swap?

0:25:160:25:20

You've still got your trophy to remind you of the day...Maxine.

0:25:200:25:25

What?

0:25:250:25:27

This Chess Fest trophy is awarded to...Maxine?!

0:25:280:25:32

MAXINE?! How can I show off with this now?

0:25:320:25:36

-Calm down.

-This was stressful. That audition was a nightmare!

0:25:360:25:42

I know. I do them all the time.

0:25:420:25:44

And it was very brave of you.

0:25:440:25:47

You think? Well, as much as it pains me to say it,

0:25:470:25:51

your life is way tougher than I realised.

0:25:510:25:56

Being treated like nothing by Viktor made me realise I am bossy.

0:25:560:26:00

I should treat you a little better.

0:26:000:26:03

I could stretch to being nicer to you, too. Occasionally.

0:26:030:26:09

It must be awful having friends like Sam and Jack.

0:26:190:26:23

-How do you put up with them?

-Hey!

0:26:230:26:26

Don't be rude about my friends! They're not creepy lapdogs.

0:26:260:26:31

-Hey!

-Take that back about Ben.

-If you take it back first.

0:26:310:26:35

-Make me.

-Oh, I will.

0:26:350:26:37

Oh, no!

0:26:370:26:40

See? I knew getting them to swap lives wouldn't work. Great idea(!)

0:26:400:26:45

-You were all for it!

-You made me get involved.

0:26:450:26:49

Right!

0:26:490:26:51

Oh, it's like that, is it?

0:26:510:26:54

Here we go again!

0:26:550:26:58

What was that for?!

0:27:010:27:03

How...much...longer?

0:27:070:27:11

Only another 10 space miles, then have a rest.

0:27:110:27:16

-I'll pass out before then!

-You want to get fit.

0:27:160:27:19

Isn't there another way? Some extreme power napping?

0:27:190:27:25

-You need to feel the burn.

-I'm all burnt out!

0:27:250:27:30

What happened to the lights?

0:27:330:27:35

I wired the exercise machine into the ship's power supply.

0:27:350:27:40

I'd keep pedalling or our life support will switch off.

0:27:400:27:45

Ouch! You're a monster!

0:27:480:27:51

# Sometimes I feel like breaking free

0:27:540:27:59

# Let's lift these chains

0:27:590:28:02

# Let's ride this wave right out to sea

0:28:020:28:07

# I will be... #

0:28:070:28:12

Surreal sitcom about a struggling actress, continuously left in charge of her annoying younger brother Max, his none-too-bright sidekick Ben and their youngest sibling - the baby from hell.

Sam, Jack and Ben are all sick of Dani and Max's endless fighting. They agree that Dani and Max would get on better if they understood each others' lives better, and force them to swap places for a day. Unfortunately, it's the day of an important audition for Dani and a major chess match for Max. How will each of them ever manage?


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