Chat Show Dani's House

Another day of floating in space.

-It's so boring!

-In the movies, aliens lead such exciting lives.

I know!

-Invading planets.

-Melting stuff with their acid blood.

Flying on BMX bikes.

BOTH: ET phone home.

Nothing exciting ever happens to us and it's making me miserable.

Sounds like you're suffering from SNOT.

-What's SNOT?

-S-N-O-T.

Sun's not out today syndrome.

I think you're right,

but the sun's never out here in deep space.

It's OK, I can fix it.

-How?

-The sun explosion.

An instant sun-blast capsule.

Sun blast?

Each capsule contains a tiny atom of sunshine.

You just crack it open and hey presto!

Fantastic! Just what I needed!

Wait! First we need to...

-Aaaargh!

-Aaargh!

..put sun cream on.

Oh, well. Let's watch an episode of Dani's House. It'll cheer us up.

Yes, please!

Hi. My name's Dani

and this is my fantastic new...

Best friend, Jack.

Yeah, but... Oh, where was I?!

Your name's Dani and I'm her best friend too, Sam.

As I was saying, this is my fantastic new...

-Max!

-I'm her brother

and actually it's... Ben?

What? Oh! It's our sh...

Can you just zip it?!

As I was saying, my name's Dani and this is my fantastic new...

ALL SHOUT AT ONCE

I give up!

ALL SHOUT AT ONCE

DANI SHRIEKS

It's so exciting!

What? What?

My record company just rang.

I am going to be on TV!

THEY ALL SHRIEK

I know! A celebrity chat show!

Wow, Dani! That's amazing! Which one?

Oh! The Late Show with Ross Newton?

The Even Later Show with Jools Dutchman?

I don't know! I'm waiting for them to call me back.

I'm going to be on live TV! What am I going to wear?

Don't worry - we'll sort something out. It's so exciting!

-I can't wait!

-Me neither.

-Nor me...

-neither.

-Let's try some outfits on.

BOTH: Not you!

Er, my best friend's going to be on TV.

Do you want my autograph?

No.

Well, I do!

To Jack.

You're one cool dude.

Best wishes...

..Jack.

-HE CHOKES

-What's up?

Nothing. I thought I heard you say

you were interested in the school-council elections.

-I am.

-You've never been interested in the school anything!

This is different. This is politics.

Politics is power.

Imagine if we got elected.

We could change the rules and make school fun

or even bring about the end of school altogether.

Max, no-one would vote for you.

Hang on!

Did you say "we"?

I said "we", but what I actually meant is...

you.

You're going to stand for the school-council elections

and I'm going to be your campaign manager.

-HE CHOKES

-I'd rather just eat my biscuits without choking on them.

Ben, even biscuits are political.

Garibaldi, the great Italian leader.

Succeed in this and, who knows,

you may even have a biscuit named after you.

Who'd want a biscuit called Ben?

Yeah. OK, bye.

-So?

-The Late Show?

The Even Later Show?

-The Really Late Show that nobody watches cos we're all in bed?

-No.

Early Afternoon with Adam Twittfield.

Adam Twittfield?

Isn't he a bit...cheesy?

APPLAUSE

So, Dani.

Welcome to Cheesy Chat.

Tell me about your latest album. Any cheese-related songs?

-Why does everything have to be about cheese?

-Cos I'm the king of cheese!

Blue cheese - good or bad?

Smelly. Please, no more cheese questions.

-So, any plans to go on tour?

-I hope so!

May I suggest Leicester?

Gloucester? Cheshire? Caerphilly?

-Hang on! They're all cheeses.

-Oh! So they are.

-But...

-Edam cheese is lovely.

I love peeling off the red wax skin and making stuff.

I recently had a pair of cheese-skin shoes made for me.

Look!

Lovely(!)

-Know what's great about cheese-skin shoes?

-I'm sure you'll tell me.

Cheesy feet! Here, have a stink.

HE LAUGHS

Ladies and gentlemen, go crazy for my cheesy feet!

Whoo-hoo!

This cheese sketch has to stop now.

Well, I don't care if he's a bit cheesy.

Yeah. All publicity is good publicity.

-That's what my record company said.

-Twittfield's all right.

Anyway, once you tell your funny stories, all eyes will be on you.

-No, no! I'm terrible at telling funny stories.

-You're not terrible.

Well, maybe you are, but...only a teeny bit terrible.

Help.

No more biscuits. You've got to

look like a serious politician to win that election.

But I like biscuits.

You do it, it's your idea.

No! Trust me, you're the public face for this campaign. The front.

Can't I be the back? It's too confusing.

If I have to trust you, why can't we ask the voters to trust you too?

I'm a devious, manipulating, two-faced monster.

True, whereas I'm a good, kind person with a nice face.

Maybe I could be a politician.

Course you could! One of the greatest.

You wouldn't have to worry about a thing

cos I'll be guiding you all the way.

-That's what I'm worried about.

-Relax.

Just think of yourself as a puppet

and I'm your puppet master.

I don't like that! Where will you put your hand?

A string puppet!

Oh...

Boys and girls,

allow me to introduce my puppet friend -

Little Ben.

# See the puppet dance

# See the puppet run

# See the puppet walk

# And reach up to the sun

# See the puppet skip

# See him hop and jump

# See poor puppet trip

# And fall down with a bump. #

Oi! Be careful!

You might chip my paint.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

Little Ben will perform a triple somersault!

Noooo!

No, no, no, no, no!

Come on, you must have some funny stories to tell.

Once in school, I called my teacher Mum by accident.

-HE LAUGHS

-Good start. Then what happened?

-That's it.

-Oh.

-Any others?

-Er, yeah.

-What?

-Ooh, right, you'll love this one.

The other day, I caught the wrong bus into town

and I had to get off and catch the number 38,

but that didn't turn up,

so I had to get the number 72 and then walk from the library!

Er... Hey, you can always use some gags from my DJ routine.

Jack, your last gig was a birthday party for five-year-olds.

Five-year-olds are a very tough audience.

You have to win them over with highly sophisticated humour

-and...

-Packets of crisps.

Don't worry. I've just remembered this classic.

The other week,

I ordered burger and chips from the cafe

and they brought me a sausage by mistake!

-My life isn't interesting at all, is it?

-Yes, it is.

Sometimes.

I've had it! I give up! I'm a failure and I'm useless!

No, that's Jack. You're going to be fine.

A suit and tie? It's only the school-council election.

School council today, tomorrow...prime minister.

OK. What about my hair? Do I look like a geek?

You always look like a geek, but now you also look like a politician.

You mean I now look intelligent and charismatic.

Sure...but it's not just about how you look.

You must also walk and talk like a politician.

Say something.

OK. Er, vote for me!

No.

-Don't vote for me!

-No!

Vote for someone else!

No! You want them to vote for you.

Make your mind up!

You've got to make them WANT to vote for you.

-How do I do that?

-Tell them what you believe in.

OK.

Father Christmas,

the tooth fairy and the man in the moon.

I see I've got some work to do here.

Cross your eyes when the wind changes, you'll stay like that.

Are you doing this on purpose?

Yes. Can we give up now?

No! No U-turns, it's time to work on your campaign speech.

Ta-da!

Dani!

So, what do you think?

You look incredible.

-Really?

-Never mind the funny stories.

-They'll be so knocked out, they won't hear a word.

-Honestly?

Where's Dani?

-Oh.

-Jack! That's not exactly helpful!

I'm only kidding. Aw, you look great, Dani.

No, I don't. I look ridiculous.

There must be something I can do to make me stand out on this chat show.

-Hang on - I've got it!

-What?

I'll reveal my hidden talent.

-Great! I didn't know you had a hidden talent.

-Nor did I.

-Because it's hidden. It wouldn't be a hidden talent otherwise.

-Yeah.

-What is it?

-It's still pretty hidden at the moment.

-You mean you haven't got one.

-I have! I just can't remember what it is.

-OK...

-Something I used to do when I was little.

Wear nappies?

No! That's not a talent! Something my auntie taught me.

-Which auntie?

-Auntie Marie from Brazil.

You have a Brazilian auntie?

She's from Stoke, but she married a nut farmer.

And?

She taught me...

-Nut farming?

-No, she taught me...

Come on, come on!

..the art of capoeira!

What?

It's an African-Brazilian art form. It combines dance and martial arts.

Wow! You can do that?

Well, I could when I was seven.

Let's see then.

Cool! I'll just get my bongos out.

Get ready to see my hidden talents.

Hit the bongos, Jack! It's capoeira time!

Ow!

So, what do you think?

BOTH: Great.

Wait until you see my how-oo-oo-ooh!

OK. Is that a good thing?

Very tricky move. It'll blow Adam Twittfield away.

THEY LAUGH NERVOUSLY

Ladies and gentlemen,

soft cuddly things and action heroes,

may I present councillor-elect Ben.

FAB! Thunderbirds are go!

-OK, drop the puppet thing.

-Sorry.

Er... V-V-Vote for me!

Sorry. Vote for me and I promise you something in return.

Pizza and sweets.

I promise school dinners will be scrapped.

Instead, there will be free pizza and sweets for all.

Good. Now make it personal, remember.

Right.

Em, I like to pick my nose when I'm on the toilet.

No, personal to them!

Oh, yeah. "And what else?" I hear you ask, Mr Instructo Man.

-Well, I'll tell you.

-That's it. Great.

And you Fluffy Floppy.

Detentions will also be scrapped in favour of unlimited access

to school computers for games, Internet and other fun stuff.

That's my boy!

Coordinator Zarg! The post has arrived!

Ah. Ooh. Er.

How do we...? Em.

What is it?

It's election time for intergalactic parliament.

This is the ballot paper with all the candidates on it.

Very important. Who are you going to vote for?

I don't know. President Nimbob had to go

in light of the recent scandal.

Claiming he was using our money to study the rings of Saturn.

When all he was doing was buying doughnuts.

-He had to go.

-Had to go.

-Who are the other candidates?

-Let's see.

How many candidates are there?

-Just the two.

-Two?!

Very long names.

Dani can't do the capoeira to save her life.

If she does that on TV, she'll be a laughing stock.

That's not my fault!

-You said her stories weren't funny!

-I was trying to help her prepare.

I didn't know she'd get so nervous and panic.

Doing capoeira, we're lucky she didn't fly out the window!

-We've got to stop her.

-Don't worry, I've got a plan.

Coming from you, that's like saying, "Cheer up, we're all going to die."

No, really. I thought I'd make a behind-the-scenes video of Dani

-to make her look exciting.

-Great.

Dani catches a bus, Dani eats a sausage...

No, just the highlights. No boring stuff.

I'll direct it.

Pacey with crazy camera angles.

Fast, snazzy graphics.

Sharp editing. Whip pans.

What are whip pans?

Like this.

-OK, it's a good idea, but...

-Trust me - it'll work.

Well, it's worth a try, I suppose.

Brilliant. I'm onto it.

Great. What could possibly go wrong(?)

Look, I've told you -

free sweets and pizza, that's all they want to hear.

Sorry, but they don't sound like

the promises of an honest and decent politician. I won't do it!

Don't stop now. You've got them in the palm of your hand. Look!

Lizardhead loves you.

Lizardhead doesn't go to our school. I'll never achieve all that.

-I won't make promises I can't deliver.

-Rubbish!

It's getting me elect... I mean, getting YOU elected that counts.

After that, who cares?

Me! I must be transparent in everything I do.

You're not the invisible man. Just do what I say.

If I betray my people, I'll get the blame, not you.

What are you talking about?

I'll be chased round the playground by an angry mob.

So? What's new?

Look, Ben,

trust me - just make the speech.

-No!

-No? What do you mean, no?

You can't say no to me! I'm your puppet master.

Not any more, Max.

I stand for everything that is good in the world.

You, Max, stand for everything that is rotten.

I can make a difference, Max.

I'm going it alone.

# See the puppet swing from side to side... #

Oi! Watch the paintwork, sunshine!

# ..See him on his bottom slide... #

Aaargh!

# ..See him bump and see him bob... #

Hey! What did I just say?

Just be careful, will you?

Aaargh!

# ..And see him running from the mob. #

That's it! I've had enough of this!

-No!

-Ha! I'm free!

-I've got no strings to hold me up.

-What are you doing?

I'm the puppet master. You can't give a speech without me!

Oh, really? Just watch!

Deserter!

You'll regret this, puppet boy!

Look at the time. The car will be here any minute.

I hope I've got everything!

You look great and you don't need anything.

-How did you get on with the DVD?

-All done, no problemo.

It had better be good!

Relax! I called upon all my film-directing experience

to produce the perfect promo.

You're not a director, you're a children's DJ.

Just watch and see.

SHE GASPS

Car's here! I've got to go.

-Aren't you going to wish me luck?

-Dani! Sorry. Good luck.

(What have you done?!)

-Just a bit of artistic licence.

-What's that?

-Nothing.

-A DVD I put together about your life.

It's wicked. Makes you look really cool.

You could use it on your show.

Thanks, Jack, that's really sweet.

-I think you should watch it first.

-Haven't got time.

Thanks, Jack, you saved my life. Bye, Sam.

Bye.

Please, Ben, don't do this.

Sorry, Max. I have a duty to myself and my voters to tell the truth.

You can't tell the truth, you're a politician!

Yeah, there are loads of honest and decent politicians.

Rubbish! You're so naive.

You need to be sneaky, you need to be cunning, you need to be...

-Like you?

-Exactly.

We are the world, Max.

We are the children. We are the ones who make a brighter day.

-Give me a break.

-Sorry, Max.

My people, I stand before you,

humbled by the enormous task that lies ahead.

-Get on with it!

-Oh, erm...

It is with utter determination that I promise, if elected,

I will reduce the school's carbon footprint.

-How about reducing the number of lessons?

-Yeah!

A famous president once said, "Yes, we can."

Well, I say, "Yes, we can."

That's just the same!

I mean, yes, I do... Yes, we do, can do...

-do that.

-He said "do-do"!

CROWD LAUGHS

Anyone who reduces their carbon footprint by the end of the year

will get free pizza and sweets.

Just give us the sweets now!

-Yes!

-You have to reduce your carbon footprint first.

-THEY CHANT: What do we want?

-Free sweets!

-When do we want them?

-Now!

-Slightly sucked sweet, anyone?

Get off!

So I said to the waiter, "Excuse me, but these bread sticks are tiny

"and very stale."

The waiter looked at me and he said,

"But, sir, they aren't bread sticks, they're toothpicks!"

Oh, I nearly crawled under the table.

APPLAUSE

-Give me a "hello".

-Erm, hello, hello.

Now then, ladies and gentlemen,

shall I bring my next guest out?

-AUDIENCE: Yes!

-Me?

-Well, she's a very talented young lady...

-Oh, here we go.

Dani's big moment, there's no turning back now.

Don't, I'm really nervous for her.

-Why? She's got my DVD.

-Exactly.

She acts and she sings. So please give a warm afternoon welcome

for Dani!

-Ooh, Dani!

-Yeah, he just said that.

-Shh!

APPLAUSE

Well, welcome to the show, Dani.

Hey, do you know I'm a singer too?

-No, I didn't.

-Oh, yeah, I've got an amazing singing voice.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Did you know that?

# It's not unusual to be loved by anyone

# It's not unusual to have fun with anyone

# But when I see you hanging around with anyone

# It's not unusual to see me cry

# I wanna die... #

APPLAUSE

That's very impressive.

Thanks very much. I was voted best singer in my own shower...

by me!

THEY LAUGH

But I wasn't so impressed with my local cafe.

Oh...really? Why not?

Well, I ordered a burger and chips,

but they brought me a sausage by mistake.

HE LAUGHS LOUDLY

Erm, right...

The last time I ordered a hamburger, the waiter said, "With relish?"

So I said, "I'd like a lovely juicy burger, please!"

LAUGHTER

So, I ended up with a sausage I hadn't ordered.

It was really funny.

Erm...right.

Well, Dani, you have a wonderful singing voice.

Does that come from hours of singing lessons and vocal training?

Well, I've had some great teachers.

Oh, actually, once I called my teacher "Mum" by mistake.

Yeah...erm...

That's a bit like...

Sorry, you've lost me.

OK, well, Dani,

apart from singing, do you have any other talents?

Well, Adam, can you play the bongos?

As a matter of fact, I can.

Great, then I can demonstrate my Capoeira moves.

I'll get my bongos out.

-No!

-No!

AUDIENCE CLAPS IN RHYTHM

Watch out for my ow-ow-ow. Awesome.

-Ow!

-Oh!

I am so, so sorry.

It's OK. There's nothing broken...

I hope.

OK, well...

thanks, Dani. That just about wraps it up for today.

-APPLAUSE

-No, no, wait!

I haven't shown you my video.

It's an exclusive behind-the-scenes look at how exciting my life is.

If I play it, do you promise

that you won't demonstrate any more Capoeira moves?

Definitely.

In that case, I think we have just enough time to take a look.

-APPLAUSE

-(Sorry.)

Roll VT.

-Yes!

-No!

I've lived an exciting and adventurous life.

Swimming with dolphins? Forget it. I've surfed with polar bears.

Oh!

I've won the Nobel Peace Prize.

And I've flown to the moon.

While I became the first woman to perform in space.

But despite all my adventures,

I'm just a down-to-earth kind of girl who loves ice cream. Yum!

OK, maybe I went a bit too far with the ice cream.

Fascinating(!)

No, it wasn't. It was terrible.

Look, I'm sorry. The documentary was a fake.

I had my suspicions.

-I thought I wouldn't be a very interesting guest.

-Why?

Sounds stupid, I know, but, I guess I was...

Well, I guess I was afraid to be myself.

That's very sweet. I like guests with a bit of honesty.

Thank you.

Aw!

And hey, I'll let you into a little secret.

Even I worry sometimes, that I'm not a great singer.

Or even a bit cheesy.

It's a nonsense, I know.

# It's not unusual to be loved by anyone... #

You see, I'm a genius. All-round entertainer.

But hey, we all worry sometimes.

So tell me, who's the real Dani, eh?

Well, I really am a singer.

I love singing and that's why I came on the show.

-So that everyone could hear my song.

-I'm a big fan.

So get over there, be yourself and sing.

Hey, if you're lucky I might even join you for a duet.

Ladies and gentlemen, Dani!

Oh, I like this song.

# Yeah

# Love is like a game to me

# Playing by the rules but never will

# I'm missing all the mystery... #

-She's so good.

-So pretty.

# The way we used to feel

# So let's pretend

# We're strangers again

# If you were my ex-boyfriend

# I'd see you... AUDIENCE LAUGHS

# I know that you remember when... #

HE LAUGHS

-That is worse than her Capoeira.

-No, it's not.

# Sometimes

# I just can't help wonder

# What it would be like if for just tonight

# We could fall in love again

# If you were my ex-boyfriend... #

I thought the voters were really going to turn on us.

Thank goodness you offered to buy them all a packet of crisps.

I spent the last of my pocket money on those.

-We were lucky the head showed up.

-Huh!

She was so impressed, she wants

to introduce my carbon footprint reduction scheme in school.

Yippee(!) Does that mean we won?

No, we lost.

They voted for the guy with the cool hair, bare chest and a six-pack.

Call me old-fashioned, but politicians should wear shirts.

At least we gave it a shot.

Oh, the head also said,

"Bribing voters with sweets is strictly forbidden.

"You've both got Saturday detention for the rest of the term."

-Isn't that great?

-What, are you crazy?

Picking up litter on a Saturday will improve the environment.

Oh, well, really, Mr Goody-Two-Shoes?

You can start practising right now.

CHEERING

-You were amazing, Dani, well done.

-Yes, you were wicked.

-Thanks, guys.

I couldn't have done it without you.

-But you could've done it without Jack's dodgy DVD.

-Yes, sorry.

Forget it. Your DVD was that terrible,

-everyone forgot about the awful Capoeira moves.

-We haven't!

Here, I never want to see your bongos again.

Don't know why I thought I needed all that stuff.

All I had to do was be myself.

Whatever happens, you should always try and be yourself.

-Except in your case, Jack.

-Why?

Most of the time, we wish you were someone else.

Aah!

Great show!

Yes, and it helped me decide who to vote for

in the intergalactic elections.

Oh, so who got your tick?

Tick? I put a cross.

We don't cross, we tick.

If you put a cross, the candidates think you're sending them a kiss.

Oh well, at least it counts.

SPACE PHONE BEEPS

Hello.

Yes.

Oh, no, I didn't mean it. I meant that...

The Astrogalactic Bar? Half seven?

A date?

You'll be wearing a red rose. OK.

See you there.

-No?

-Seems a kiss went down very well!

Get him to agree to free sweets for all!

# Sometimes I feel like breaking free

# Let's lift these chains

# Let's rock this wave right out to sea

# I will be breaking free. #