Grandad and the Emo of Doom Dani's House

Ah! Co-ordinator Zarg!

You're just in time to see Dani's House.

There'll be Dani's House this week, Co-ordinator.

Control have assigned you a new task.

What task?

They want you to learn about the role of the parent.

Behold.

Human eggs. The babies will think I'm their mother.

They'll bond with me, grow up and ask me for pocket money.

Co-ordinator, humans don't come from eggs.

-Then what are those?

-These are ordinary eggs

from an earth chicken bird. You're going to incubate them.

You want me to sit on a load of eggs until they hatch?

Control's orders, Co-ordinator.

Just be very careful.

Those eggs are fra...

CRUNCH!

-..gile.

-I might have broken one or two.

Or all of them.

-Hi. My name's Dani, and this is my fantastic new..

-..best friend, Jack.

Yeah, but... Oh, where was I?

Your name's Dani, and I'm your best friend too, Sam.

As I was saying, this is my fantastic new... Max!

I'm her brother, and actually, it's... Ben?

-What?! It's

-our

-show...

Can you just lip it?!

As I was saying, my name's Dani, and this is my fantastic new...

I give up!

-Yes?

-I've never seen anyone make so much mess eating a sandwich.

-It's my lunch!

-The reason Dani let me set up my chemistry lab here

was that I can do my coursework in peace,

and now your revolting eating is putting me off.

OK, OK, fine. I won't eat another thing.

-I'll just quietly sip my milk.

-Thank you.

GURGLES LOUDLY

-I can't believe it.

-Why, what's happened?

That was Brandon Noir's manager.

THE Brandon Noir's manager?

Brandon's heard my demo, loves it

and is coming over to discuss us collaborating on a duet!

I can't believe he likes my music!

-Mmm!

-He likes my music!

-Dani, that's massive news!

News this big can generate its own gravity field.

-Always with the science!

-He's such a tortured poet,

an enigma, a visionary.

And the most whingeing pop star ever.

"Oh, woe is me!

"I'm rich, talented, successful and handsome."

-I don't know what you see in him.

-He's sensitive and thoughtful,

and he made the best album of last year.

Why do you always go for the weirdos?

I'm a big fan, too, as it happens.

Er, since when were you into music?

I'm not into his music,

-just Brandon.

-Brandon's just so...

..so gorgeous!

# My mother served me sausages

# Served them for my tea

# She knows that I don't like them

# Cos they don't agree with me

# She doesn't consider my feelings

# She does not know who I am

# But I'm the guy who hates sausages

# From my plate or in the pan

# I hate sausages, I hate sausages

# Why doesn't anything else rhyme with "sausages"

# Except "sausages"? #

He wants to duet on a romantic ballad.

Oh, I can just picture us now, standing behind microphones,

gazing into each other's eyes and singing about love.

Ooh, who knows what might happen?

Just don't be too needy.

-Play it cool.

-Oh, I will be so cool.

Brandon will need an ice pick to get anywhere near me.

Are you actually hoping that Brandon Noir might fancy you?

Stranger things have happened.

Somebody sounds jealous.

Why would I be jealous of that coffin botherer?

I just think he's a dilbert.

Aw, is Jack jealous?

Does poor ickle Jacky feel jealous?

I just don't want you falling for some shallow, pampered pop star.

You could end up making a fool out of yourself.

-I love it when Dani makes a fool of herself.

-Max!

What are you doing behind there?

Eavesdropping. What's this about Dani making a fool of herself?

Dani has a date with Brandon Noir.

-Don't tell him!

-Why would someone as famous and as successful as

-Brandon Noir be bothered by someone as ordinary as you?

-Well, because...

..because... ..because he's going

to take one look at me and think I'm so not cool.

I can't meet the King of the Emos dressed like this.

You're going to have to help me.

I mean, have you seen these celeb gossip mags?

That lavender-scented goth has a history of breaking girls' hearts.

I'm afraid I only read Evil Genius Monthly.

This month's issue comes with

a pull-out guide to blowing up the moon.

Brandon's been out with more girls than I've...

Well, than I have.

And I've been out with two or three girls.

I will not let him break Dani's heart.

Ow! Oh, I bruised my pinkie.

Why don't you let the Maxinator do his thing?

Max, no offence, but when have you ever done anything for Dani?

-Apart from trying to ruin her life?

-You're doing me a disservice, Jack.

Peel away this cold, hard exterior

and you'll find a sweet little brother.

OK, fine, you can help.

But we need some way to protect Dani by making this afternoon

a total disaster.

Jack, my dear, bewildered Jack,

you're speaking to the master of disaster.

I can do all that with a simple phone call.

Yeah? A phone call to who?

My grandad.

Nope.

No. Definitely not. No.

Remember to stay calm and to be true to yourself.

-You're bound to win him over.

-I am going to stay true to myself -

by completely changing my appearance!

I don't think you need a total make-over.

Maybe we could just inject a tiny touch of emo into your regular look.

No half-measures. It's full emo or nothing.

Now think like a tortured intellectual.

Would you like to hear a poem about my inner pain?

Ooh, how was that?

THEY SQUEAL

That's him! That's him! That's him!

-Can't breathe.

-Brandon's waiting!

-DOORBELL RINGS

-Either Brandon's let himself go or that's not Brandon.

-Dani!

Er, hi, Grandad? Er, that's my friend.

-I'm Dani.

-I'm sorry, sweetheart.

I never recognised you with all that stuff over your face.

-What's on my face?!

-That's make-up.

-Make-up?!

You never used to wear make-up.

You haven't seen me in five years.

Now, you knew I'd been on a year-long expedition to South America

in search of the elusive tukka-tukka bird.

Where were you for the other four years?

Trying to find my way back out again!

"In four hundred metres, turn left at the banyan tree."

-Left at the banyan tree. Banyan tree? What banyan tree?

-"Recalculating..."

It'll find its bearings in a minute.

-"In fifty metres, turn left at the man-eating plant."

-Man-eating plant.

-There isn't a man-eating plant!

-"Low battery."

-Come on, work!

"Beware of gorillas."

Gorillas? There aren't any gorillas in South America!

I was only going to ask if he wanted directions.

So, what brings you here today of all days?

Do I need an excuse to visit my own grandchildren?

Grandad! Missed you so much!

Missed you too, big fella!

Listen, I've brought you something. They're giant termite larvae.

Do you know, I met an Amazonian tribe who used to eat these like sweets!

Thanks, Grandad, it's wicked!

-Oh, that's horrible.

-You sure you won't have one?

No, I'm OK, thanks. Mum and Dad at home, are they?

They're not back till this evening.

You don't mind if I just hang around and wait for them, do you?

You wouldn't believe what I had to do to survive - building shelters out of

tree bark and my own chest hair,

wrestling with giant anacondas

and straining filthy river water through my own underpants!

I seriously have the coolest grandad in the world.

-He'll be here in a minute...

-I know.

I don't believe how my grandchildren are growing up.

I can remember changing Dani's nappies!

Shame!

I have a photo of her somewhere. Let's have a look.

It's in here somewhere.

Now...

Just a minute.

-There. There they are!

-Grandad, please...

Oh, man, this is classic!

You look like you've been struck by lightning.

You look lovely in that one.

Look, Grandad, it's great to

see you but I'm kind of busy this afternoon.

What are you up to, then? Homework?

Dani's got a rock star coming to see her, Grandad. A rock star?

He wants us to record her duet.

Blimey! You really are growing up.

But tell me, aren't rock stars normally, y'know, trouble?

Exactly my point. This guy practically invented trouble.

Between you and me,

I think Dani's rather hoping they'll do a little more than sing a duet.

Dani, are you sure you're going to be safe in this house with some

strange rock star?

She won't be alone. Me and Jack are here.

Yeah, but I think it's a bad idea.

I'm staying too, just to make sure.

-But...

-You won't even know I'm here! DOORBELL CHIMES

-That'll be Brandon.

-Remember, Dani,

deep breaths and stay calm.

Listen, boys,

I want to know everything about this Brandon fella.

And when I say everything, I mean everything.

You heard Grandad! He still thinks I'm a little girl.

-He's going to ruin this whole thing.

-I'll deal with him.

I won't let anything spoil your chances with Brandon.

Good luck!

Brandon! Hi.

I'm Dani.

-It's horrible weather out.

-Really? I thought it was sunny today.

I prefer rain.

It's like the sky is... Crying.

Me too! Rain, thunderstorms, foggy days.

Basically, I'm into all the more depressing weather types.

Yeah, I'm pretty deep.

You don't want to know how deep I go.

I go so deep, I can't even see the bottom.

Just the fathomless depths.

Deep, dark fathomless depths.

So intense!

-Shall we go into the den?

-Yeah, I suppose.

-Nice look, by the way.

-Thanks.

I, er, dress like this all the time.

You can't go in.

-Why not?

-Hi...

Brandon, hi. I'm Sam.

Hey.

-What's going on?

-Yeah, what is going on?

We have a lot to discuss.

The den, it's, erm, dusty.

I like dust.

Reminds me that we're all slowly decaying.

Not dust, rust. Rusty pipes.

Leaking, rusting water pipes.

Leaked everywhere! Very bad. Me go fix them. OK!

All done. So, erm, have fun!

It was lovely to meet you, Brandon.

OK... Bye!

That's my friend Sam.

Your friend is weird.

He's not just any boy, though.

Brandon Noir has a bad reputation.

Dani is too young.

She shouldn't be involved with boys yet, especially when he's an emu.

-Emo.

-That too.

Dani's happiness is important to me, too.

I don't want to see her getting hurt. I'll tell you what, lads,

we are going to put an end to this love affair before it even begins.

No-one is putting an end to anything.

Do you think plastering embarrassing photos all over the den is going to

stop true love from blossoming?

-Well, it wasn't me!

-Nor me.

That, er, might have been me.

I thought if I embarrassed Dani,

it might ruin her chances with Brandon in some way.

Dani is not going to be embarrassed over these cute photographs.

She looks lovely in them!

Good point. Silly me.

-Is anyone thinking about what Dani wants?

-She's too young to know.

How do you know what's best for Dani? You've been stuck in the

rainforest for five years, sucking stagnant water out of your pants.

Be that as it may, I'm going to get the measure of this Brandon Na-na.

You I expected this from, but you?

-Who, me?

-I expect better from you.

I fear I may have been overestimated.

This is deeply humiliating, Co-ordinator Zarg.

Control has ordered us to investigate human parental roles.

I shall assume the role of parent and you shall be my infant baby.

Stupid!

Is baby ready for her bottle?

Drink it all up, baby Bubbub!

Come on, baby, it's time for your feed, so please behave!

Oh.

No, Co-ordinator, don't.

SHE WAILS

Stop crying!

Why are you doing this? Stop crying!

Baby needs a nappy change.

This is a silly assignment. Mm!

I was in the studio when I heard your

demo coming out of some speakers, and I thought,

"Yeah, sounds all right.

-"Yeah, there's a voice I could work with and stuff."

-Wow.

I shouldn't say this, but I'm such a big fan.

-Really? I'd never have guessed.

-Oh, that.

I hate looking at pictures of myself.

Yeah, probably best I take it down.

You know, those photos never capture my true essence.

I'm a multilayered intellectual, not some pretty-boy pop star.

-I couldn't agree more.

-I, er, didn't say you had to take it down.

-Right.

-So, you're up for doing this duet thing, yeah?

-Up for it? I am

-so

-up for it.

I'm like a bird in a balloon on the moon.

Sorry, that sounded so much better in my head.

Hello! You must be thingy.

Brandon. Whatever.

Sergeant-Major Rodney Treeboys. Retired.

Very pleased to meet you.

Ow! I need that hand. That's the hand I use to hold my, you know...

-Guitar?

-Hair straighteners.

Is that black nail varnish, son?

Or did you slam your hand in a drawer?

Look, no offence, old man, but we're kind of busy, so if you wouldn't mind

just scooting along... Oi!

You just watch who you're telling to "scoot along", all right?

I was in the SAS for twenty years.

Now, you do not get those medals for flower arranging.

Grandad, I know Brandon seems a bit abrupt, but he's a intellectual.

They're all like that.

Probably.

This is a great opportunity to help with my singing career.

-Anything for my beautiful little granddaughter.

-OK.

Old people suck.

-Hi! Sorry.

-Now what?

-I was just checking everything's OK.

-Everything's fine.

I promise there won't be any more interruptions.

Well, would you mind not interrupting us now?

Yes. Sorry. OK. Bye!

You were right, boys.

I've got the measure of this Brandon fella.

He's trouble, all right.

-I can smell him a mile off.

-What's the plan?

Right, I'm going to call it Operation Scupper The Emo.

We'll keep interrupting them

so that this Brandon fella can never make his move, see?

Now, here's a map of the den. And here's some

surveillance photographs.

-Now, first thing we require is...

-This has got to stop.

I'm not going to let you ruin Dani's chances with Brandon.

-She really likes him.

-You're either with us or against us, Sam.

-Obviously, I'm against you.

-Then you'll have to leave!

This is a military command centre.

You're the first person I've shown these lyrics to.

Wow. That's such an honour, Brandon.

-I'm touched.

-Yeah, well, my manager said I had to, so...

It's called My Heart Is A Flower That Wilts In The Sun.

It's about my own personal war with love, how I've been wounded,

how I got my battle scars but how I'll always step bravely out

onto the battlefield of the heart.

So real. It's almost like you're writing about my life.

Yeah.

So, I sing this part, and then you come in here, and...

Dani? Dani?

-Hm?

-Did you hear what I said?

Absolutely. Every word.

Have you ever considered that a new girlfriend

could make those battle scars disappear?

Ow! My face! My hair!

-Brandon, are you all right?

-I don't know!

Sorry!

Get me a mirror. I need to check my hair!

Jack, what are you playing at?

Just trying to score a touchdown. Or whatever it is.

Tackle him, Max!

Grandad, what are you doing?

-You're ruining everything.

-We're just having a game of rugby.

It all gets out of hand.

-Why do you have to play it in here?

-I tried to stop him.

Hi.

Have you got any hair straighteners? These idiots have crinkled my wave!

Our work is done here for the moment. Come on.

Hup, hup, hup, hup!

It won't happen again, I promise.

-Is Brandon OK?

-Yeah.

I wasn't expecting him to be quite so obsessed with his appearance,

but who wouldn't be if they were as gorgeous as him?

You're my wing man on this, Sam. I'm relying on you.

Roger. No more interruptions.

Might just be quicker if I just walked.

Now we move on to the omega part of the operation.

Maybe we've done enough.

-Why?

-Well, you never mess with an emo's hair!

I hope he's packing up his nail varnish and moving out.

What's that dreadful noise? I think it's emo.

They're getting ready to perform.

Then we've still got work to do, lads.

# Love hurts

# It hurts me in spurts

# Cos my heart simply...

# Yeah!

# Oh, why does it hurt so?

# Oh, why won't the pain go?

# I feel like a yo-yo

# My mood's up and down-o... #

-I can't get it open.

-That's because I've locked it.

And don't bother looking for the key, because you'll never find it.

# Love causes pain

# I feel pain when it rains

# And I won't take the blame

# For your shame

# And it's pain, pain, pain,

# I'm singing about the pain and the rain in my brain

# It's insane! #

You know what they say about never meeting your idols.

You can't do that!

You just watch me.

Now what?! Oh!

Oh, now they've locked us in!

What did you do?

-It wasn't me.

-Stand aside!

Which one of you is responsible for this outrage?

That'd be me. How dare you interrupt my singing.

Sounded more like you'd swallowed a sackful of kittens.

Do you know who I am? I'm Brandon Noir,

-King of the Emos.

-I don't care if you are King of the Ostriches,

you just stay well clear of my granddaughter, all right?

Grandad! Don't you think you've done enough?

Yeah, stay out of this, you wrinkled guffbucket.

Oi! Just because you're famous doesn't give you the right

to talk to people like dirt.

Excuse me? I think five gold discs says that I can.

Seriously, Dani, if you want

to have my level of success, you've got to start toughening up. Fast.

If getting five fold discs turns me into a vain, selfish,

arrogant, obnoxious, pouting prima donna like you,

then I'm fine the way I am, thank you very much.

-Ooh, that's got to hurt.

-It did. She bruised my sternum.

I can't believe I thought you were cool.

I don't need to stay here to be insulted.

Yeah, you can do that anywhere.

Farewell. Losers.

I'll see you in the charts. Ooh!

Ooh, no, I forgot.

You won't be in them, will you, Dani?

Oh. I just realised I can't actually go outside looking like this.

Could I borrow your hair straighteners?

-No!

-Oh.

Don't anybody talk to me.

KNOCK AT DOOR You OK?

I made a fool out of myself.

No, you didn't.

You were amazing, the way you stood up to him.

-Really?

-Yes!

If anybody made a fool of themselves, it was me.

I shouldn't have interfered.

I should have allowed you to discover the truth about Brandon.

I'm glad I did.

-Do you forgive me?

-Of course I forgive you.

Awww, what a touching little scene(!)

Don't tell me, you've come to gloat that things went badly with Brandon.

Oh, I don't think Max is gloating. I think he's trying to help.

That's why he called me here in the first place.

You invited him here?

Granddad, Max knew that you'd be overprotective and ruin

my chances with Brandon.

He was trying to humiliate me.

Dani! Your wellbeing is always upmost in my mind.

Max, I am not a man who takes pleasure out of

being manipulated, and that's what you've been doing.

That's an outrageous accusation.

You've been playing me, Max, and I don't like it.

So I think you and I should have a little chat.

You were right, Brandon was a total self-obsessed plank.

Dani, you have to stop him.

He's going to make me sell my video game.

Now, I think Max would benefit from some character-building hobbies,

so we're going on a camping trip. It's inhuman!

Come on, Max, and I'll teach you how

to drain some filthy river water through your underpants!

-NO-O-O-O!

-See you in five years, guys!

Another fine show comes to a close.

And what have we learnt about parenting this week?

That no matter how much you care for your child, you've got to let

them make their own mistakes.

I am very impressed, Co-ordinator Zak, and I couldn't agree more.

Great! Cos I might have made a teeny-tiny mistake

while I was carrying out a maintenance check.

-I accidentally flushed our entire food supply into deep space.

-What?!

What are we going to eat now?

Well, we could make an omelette from those eggs.

There's another tray of eggs beside the console.

Ah.

Erm, something strange has happened to your eggs.

Getting these guys to sit still in an omelette's going to be a nightmare.

Oh, my! I'm a daddy!

# Sometimes I feel like breaking free

# Let's lift these chains let's ride this wave

# Right out to sea

# I will be

# Breaking free. #