Cook Off Dani's House


Cook Off

Surreal sitcom about a struggling actress. Jack, Sam and Dani enter a cook-off, while Max and Ben decide to earn millions by becoming conceptual artists.


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Transcript


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Sorry! Terrible queues at the Super-duper Market.

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Some bug in the system,

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one of those nasty ones with big eyes and hairy legs.

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I'm just glad you're here.

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I hate watching Dani's House on an empty stomach.

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-Urgh! Is this human food?!

-I thought we'd try something different.

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Different is skimmed spawn instead of full-fat!

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I mean, where's the maggot crunch, the candied bat droppings?

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I'm afraid the best I can offer is this.

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Mmm, interesting.

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Urgh! Weird light yellow thing.

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-Good?

-Mmm. Tastes like, um...bat.

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-Hi, my name's Dani and this is my fantastic new...

-Best friend, Jack.

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Yeah, but... Oh, where was I?

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Your name's Dani and I'm your best friend Sam.

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As I was saying, this is my fantastic new...

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-Max!

-I'm her brother and actually it's... Ben?

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What? Oh, it's our show...

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Can you just zip it!

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As I was saying, my name's Dani and this is my fantastic new...

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-Woola-loolooloo!

-I give up.

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ARGUING AND SHOUTING

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ALARM RINGS

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What? I misplaced my pyjamas.

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OK, I didn't. The truth is, today is a big day.

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I have been accepted as a contestant on Junior Supercook,

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but first, I've got to compete in a cook-off

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with two other wannabe chefs to see who goes through.

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-Sam?

-And me. Morning.

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Well, I know what I'm up against.

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Meet the other two wannabe chefs. You guys were up early.

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-You know what they say, the early bird...

-Gets on Junior Supercook.

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-Ooh! I'm so excited.

-Me too.

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OK, so I've divided the kitchen into sections just like the show.

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You're there, I'm here, and Jack... Well, just follow the trail.

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The show's food critic, Floyd Ackerman,

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will be here to judge our food.

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It's a shame only one can get through.

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Well, we can still help each other out.

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It's not like we haven't competed before.

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-Huh!

-It wasn't me!

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No, it wasn't...

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-Stupid!

-Don't be insensitive! Don't call me stupid!

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-Girls!

-THEY ARGUE

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Stupid! Stu...

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We're older now, there's no way we'd be so silly.

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Yeah, cheating is so old school.

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Like a TV-show competition's so important anyway.

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-What are you guys cooking?

-Er, this and that, nothing special.

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Me too, hardly worth mentioning.

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Oh. Oh, it's like that, is it?

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OK, fine, I can be mysterious too.

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So you're not cooking cheese on toast, fish fingers and chips

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and jelly and ice cream?

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How did you know?

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Jack's menu is what I served at my birthday party when I was five.

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He hasn't a hope.

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Millionaire conceptual artist, Damien Burst, has sold his latest work -

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An Elephant In Ketchup - for £2 million.

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This conceptual-art stuff looks like a doddle.

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One guy shoved plastic bags on a table

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and called it A Disposable World,

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and someone else has emptied rubbish on a bed and named it Nightmare.

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It looks just like my bed!

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This is going to be how I become a millionaire, Ben.

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I'm going to become a conceptual artist.

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Ace! How are you going to do that?

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I've got no idea, but I'll think of something.

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You do know this is a cooking competition, not a science fair?

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Oh, like I'm going to steal your menu, I can't even understand it.

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OK, I guess there's no harm telling you what you're up against.

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For starters, I'm serving a jellyfish and mustard terrine,

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followed by confit of snails with a cherry and chocolate jus,

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finishing with a carrot and rose ice cream.

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Jellyfish, snails and carrot ice cream? Are you serious?

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I've done intensive research

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and those combinations create the ultimate taste sensation.

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And what's this?

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Oh! Liquid nitrogen. It speeds up the freezing process for my ice cream.

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It's so scientific.

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Cooking should be about passion, panache, milking your own goats.

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Milking your own what?

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Goat. For starters I'm making goat's cheese tart.

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To ensure that the goat's cheese

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was fresh and creamy I decided to make it myself.

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You're telling us you milked a goat and made your own cheese?

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Mm-hmm. If you don't believe me, you can look in the bathroom.

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Yeah, OK.

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GOAT BLEATS

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GOAT BLEATS

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-There's a goat in your bathroom.

-Told you.

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And that's just my starter. For main I'm making Argentinean steak

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marinated in fair-trade pepper sauce accompanied with twice-fried chips.

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-When did Dani become a food bore?

-No idea.

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And for dessert, I have sourced a very rare cocoa bean from Africa

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to make the ultimate chocolate fondant.

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Here's one I made earlier.

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See how smooth the chocolate is?

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Served with my vanilla whipped cream.

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I wouldn't want to be up against me.

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That's a very impressive menu.

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This is going to be one close competition.

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I just want to say, good luck and may the best cook win.

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ALL: May the best cook win.

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I think I've finished, Max.

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This work of art's going to change the world, Ben.

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I can feel it in my bones.

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I feel something too, but it's hunger. Can we take a break?

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No break. The world is waiting for my masterpiece.

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I must channel my creativity as swiftly as possible.

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-Huh?

-I could only book an early slot at the online auction,

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so we've got one hour to finish.

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Have you thought of a name for it yet?

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I'm going to call it Dreams 'R' Us.

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Wow! I don't get it.

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That's because it's not finished.

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It's supposed to be an expression of hope, but something's missing.

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I need to search for materials.

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You stay here and guard Dreams 'R' Us.

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Mmm, watermelon.

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Actually, it's probably safer if you come with me.

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Ah! Ah! Ah-ah!

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-Uh, Dani? I think your goat is...

-On Fire!

-No, I was going to say...

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Your station's on fire! Ah!

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SMOKE ALARM BEEPS

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Quick! Come on!

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-What are you doing?

-I'm trying to wave the smoke away.

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-Jump higher!

-I'm trying!

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-Give it to me.

-No, I'm taller.

-Jack, give it to me!

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I'm trying to save your house.

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We need to get higher.

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Or we could just open the door and let the smoke out that way.

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That's exactly what I was just about to say.

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Thank goodness that's stopped, my head is throbbing.

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-Sorry, guys.

-It's OK, it's not like anything really bad happened.

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What exactly were you trying to toast?

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ALL: Aargh!

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-How did the goat get in here?

-Oh, yeah, I forgot to say, it got loose.

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First thing's first - do not panic.

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I think we already did that.

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Great. Next, let's clean up and check what's been damaged.

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-SQUELCH!

-Oh!

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Oh, dear. That's not good, is it?

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Can't really serve them like that, can you?

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Looks like you're out of the competition, Dani.

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Co-ordinator Zang, what is cooking?

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Cooking is the humans' way of preparing food.

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For instance, take this, um...

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..soo-sage roll.

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Humans would add ice cream,

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bake for an hour, then serve with peas and chocolate sprinkles.

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Sounds like a lot of work.

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-That's why they have ovens.

-What's an oven?

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A large box with a tiny little man inside

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who prepares the food then pops it out ready to eat.

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Wow! Can we get one?

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Don't see why not.

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Wow! What a strange looking thing. Shall we try it out?

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Ahem.

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Hello?!

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Maybe he's asleep.

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Wake up!

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Mr Man?

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Ah, piece of junk!

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Thank goodness I have the Argentinean butcher on speed dial.

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Right, tart's ready to bake, steak's marinating, chips prepped,

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dessert in the fridge. I think that's it.

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Well it better be, because the food critic will be here any second.

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-DOORBELL RINGS

-Correction, he's here now.

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Here goes nothing.

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Floyd Ackerman, food critic for Junior Supercook at your service.

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Welcome!

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If we could avoid touching, please.

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I bruise like a peach.

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OK, just follow me, it's through there.

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(No touching!)

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-Ooh!

-Ha-ha!

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See, we've done it just like the show.

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Please remove this to another room.

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Oh, are you allergic?

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No, I'm neuro-hypersensitive.

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-Sounds icky.

-It means Mr Ackerman's got extremely good senses.

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To be a great food critic, one must use all one's senses -

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the eyes to appreciate the theatre of dining,

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the ears to enjoy the texture in each bite,

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touch to feel the food,

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and of course smell, to enjoy the celebration of aromas.

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What did he just say?

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I think he said no bad smells allowed.

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Before we begin, let me remind you, winning Junior Supercook

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is the greatest achievement any young chef can hope for.

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Are you up for the challenge?

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-Absolutely.

-Certainement, Monsieur.

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So...what will I be dining on today?

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-Goat's cheese steak...

-Flavoured with cheese.

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Your menu, Mr Ackerman.

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Ah, a handwritten menu on embossed card. Nice touch. You can go first.

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Good, I love going first.

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I've just got to freeze my ice cream and I'm ready.

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-You mean it's not prepared?

-Well, I'm using liquid nitrogen

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to cool the ice cream

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and it's important to leave the nitro process to the last minute.

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To ensure the cream is as smooth as possible. Good thinking.

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Grab anything that looks inspirational.

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That looks arty.

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Got it. Art, arty, arty, arty...

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you don't get artier than fish fingers.

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Back in a minute, Mr Ackerman.

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Let's go, don't want Dani sniffing around our art,

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she'd find a way to ruin it.

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Sorry I didn't mention my handwritten menu card.

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It must have slipped my mind.

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-Where's my nitrogen tank?

-Why are you asking me?

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Cos who else would take it?

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You knew you wouldn't win otherwise, you're microwaving chips.

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Just because I don't use chemicals

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and a protractor doesn't make yours better than mine.

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Yes, it does. Now give me back by nitrogen tank.

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-I can't because I don't have it.

-Give it back now!

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Give it back.

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Get off me!

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Ahem!

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-I'm a little pushed for time.

-Yes. Sorry, I'll be ready in one minute.

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Do you want to use some of my ice cream?

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Just go away. Both of you.

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I don't approve, cheating is never right.

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-But I didn't...

-Shh!

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I don't want to hear it. I had no idea you wanted to win this badly.

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The jellyfish and mustard terrine

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was a perfect marriage between spice and fish.

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The bitterness of the chocolate compliments the snail perfectly.

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Simply wonderful. Two courses in, I have to admit, I'm impressed.

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Can't wait to try the rose and carrot ice cream.

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Or not. I thought we'd established

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you were going to freeze the ice cream before serving?

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Sorry. Mishap in the kitchen.

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-It's just like cold pizza.

-Delicious, even the morning after?

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A crime to cooking.

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Next menu will be...yours.

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-Ah!

-TIMER BEEPING

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-It wasn't that bad.

-I'm not exactly sure what he's looking for,

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but feeling sick probably isn't it.

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Sam, the whole ice-cream-soup thing was a downer.

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And, even though you blamed me, I still feel bad for you.

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But, in the end, it's like you said, "May the best cook win."

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And, well, that's starting to look like me.

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Ah! My fish fingers have gone!

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You were saying. It's not nice when it's your meal ruined, is it?

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You low-down revenge-hungry cheat.

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-I have to say, Sam, that is pretty mean.

-What?

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No, I didn't do it.

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-But you were the only one alone in the kitchen.

-Whose side are you on?

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I'm not on sides, I just thought I'd point it out.

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Or maybe you're trying to divert us from the real culprit.

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-Who's that, then?

-TOGETHER: You!

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Whoa! Hang on a minute. There is no way...

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Ahem! Ahem! Ahem!

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It still needs something.

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-What else do we have?

-Nothing.

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Apart from whipped cream.

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That's it, the cream!

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This is it, Ben. Our creation is finally ready to meet its public.

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All we have to do is take a few pictures of it,

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load them onto the auction site and let the money flood in.

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Interesting choice, cheese on toast.

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Always reminds me of...

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The best meal you've ever had?

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Going on French exchange when I was 12.

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It was the only thing the French family ate.

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For every meal.

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I still have nightmares about it.

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OK, moving on quickly to the main course.

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-Chips?

-With parsley. It was meant to be fish fingers and chips, but...

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Let me guess, there was a mishap in the kitchen.

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Seems to happen a lot here. I would say it's time to move on to dessert.

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Don't worry, he might really love jelly and ice cream.

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I've so won!

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You know you said we didn't want Dani finding out about this?

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If there was something to make her come up, that would be bad, right?

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Yeah. But we've been careful. Kept out of her way.

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-We've got nothing to worry about.

-OK, then.

-What made you say that?

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Nothing, really.

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-Just this.

-"Property of Dani.

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"Anyone caught using this will be dealt with...

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"painfully."

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This is bad.

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Couldn't we just put it back in?

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-No, it would be too... That's it!

-What's it?

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Ben, you're a genius. Shaving!

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How's growing a beard going to help?

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ALARM BEEPS

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Ooh!

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Almost a disaster there.

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Major catastrophe averted.

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But we should hide Dreams 'R' Us

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-to make sure that Dani doesn't find it.

-Good thinking.

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So, you're starting with...?

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Home-made goat's cheese tart.

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I would hope the tart was home-made for a contest like this.

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Not just the tart, the cheese.

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-I milked the goat with my own hands.

-Impressive.

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But was the goat hand-fed?

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Is there any other kind of goat?

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Is that sage I taste?

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Yeah. It's a bit of an experiment.

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And for that, the hand-fed goat salutes you. It's delicious.

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Succulent but firm. A gamey flavour packed with a punch.

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Truly an ambrosial offering.

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Is any of that good?

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No.

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It's fantastic!

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Well, your starter and main course have been par excellence,

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and if I'm not mistaken,

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I'm about to finish with chocolate fondant?

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-Accompanied with vanilla-scented cream.

-Mmm!

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What is this affront to the senses?

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Vanilla cream? It's more like vile cream.

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It's... It's disgusting.

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-But...

-HE COUGHS

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-You couldn't bear to see me win.

-What happened?

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Someone swapped my vanilla cream for shaving cream. How could you, Jack?

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It wasn't me. I don't even use shaving cream.

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Smooth as a baby's bottom, this.

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You're 18. I don't think you should boast about that.

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So, it's my supposed best friend, Sam.

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If I was cheating, I wouldn't be so obvious.

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-So you admit you thought about it?

-No, IF I had.

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This is the art competition all over again.

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You never would have won, even if you were the only cook.

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He might have had a chance if Miss Super Competitive

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-didn't sabotage her opponents' work.

-I didn't sabotage anything!

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And you cooked a meal only the Frankenstein family would serve.

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How dare you, you dessert destroyer!

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Oh!

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Cream criminal!

0:23:310:23:32

-Pudding predator!

-Not again.

0:23:440:23:48

Why do cooking programmes always bring out the worst in people?

0:23:480:23:51

Why bother?

0:23:530:23:55

SHOUTING AND ARGUING

0:23:550:23:57

You will not believe how much Dreams 'R' Us is up to now.

0:24:020:24:06

It's going to be... Did you hide it?

0:24:060:24:08

In a place where no self-respecting teenager

0:24:080:24:11

would ever dream of looking.

0:24:110:24:12

The price is still going up and there's only seconds left.

0:24:190:24:23

-TOGETHER:

-Five, four, three, two, one. Yes!

0:24:230:24:30

We're going to be richer than rich. Let's grab the art, pack it off,

0:24:300:24:34

collect our money and start choosing a yacht.

0:24:340:24:37

-TOGETHER:

-# We're going to be rich we're going to be rich! #

0:24:370:24:41

That is for defacing my self-portrait in the art contest.

0:24:420:24:47

That was Jack!

0:24:470:24:48

Step away from the snails,

0:24:480:24:50

I could win with those. They were Floyd's favourite.

0:24:500:24:53

-TOGETHER:

-Floyd!

0:24:530:24:54

-Floyd?

-Maybe he's in the loo.

0:25:000:25:02

With his coat and briefcase?!

0:25:020:25:04

"Don't call us, we'll call you, Floyd."

0:25:070:25:10

-So, that's it, then?

-Wait!

0:25:100:25:12

-There's something on the back. Maybe he was joking.

-Or not.

0:25:120:25:16

"I suggest you save your friendship, give up cooking

0:25:160:25:19

"and concentrate on something less stressful like synchronised swimming.

0:25:190:25:23

"Yours sincerely, Floyd Ackerman."

0:25:230:25:26

What a cheek! As if this competition affected our friendship.

0:25:260:25:30

We did bicker and blame each other the whole way through.

0:25:300:25:33

Don't forget cheated.

0:25:330:25:34

And whoever that was, I guess it backfired big time.

0:25:340:25:37

For the record, it wasn't me.

0:25:370:25:39

Nor me. Like I said, cheating is so old school.

0:25:390:25:42

I swear on all the hand-fed goats in the world it wasn't me either.

0:25:420:25:47

I don't get it. Why would someone want to do such an awful thing?

0:25:470:25:51

You hid it in here? In a boiling hot airing cupboard.

0:25:540:25:58

Yeah.

0:25:580:26:00

-Oops!

-No!

-Sorry, Max. Maybe we could make another one?

0:26:000:26:06

What's that smell?

0:26:060:26:08

So it was you stealing our stuff.

0:26:080:26:11

Artists cannot be limited by such trivial matters.

0:26:110:26:14

You call that art? It looks like something you'd find in a bin.

0:26:140:26:18

Others don't agree. Especially the guy who bought it for £1 million.

0:26:180:26:21

-You've got to be kidding me.

-If only. But it doesn't matter now,

0:26:210:26:25

Dreams 'R' Us is destroyed, and with it, my dreams.

0:26:250:26:29

-Where are you going?

-To my room to sulk. I am an artist after all.

0:26:290:26:33

You're not going anywhere until you clean this lot up.

0:26:330:26:36

Don't even think about negotiating out of this one.

0:26:360:26:38

Sam, you know you've got something on your nose.

0:26:380:26:42

We may not have made it onto Junior Supercook,

0:26:420:26:44

but we got dinner out of it.

0:26:440:26:46

And we don't even have to clear up.

0:26:460:26:48

When you've finished the kitchen, you can do the bathroom.

0:26:530:26:56

-I've left out your toothbrush for the hard-to-reach places.

-Ouch!

0:26:560:27:01

Another fine show.

0:27:130:27:14

If only all the planets could produce educational documentaries

0:27:140:27:18

like the human Dani.

0:27:180:27:19

I agree, Co-ordinator.

0:27:190:27:21

-We learn so much from her.

-Like cooking. Such a strange concept.

0:27:210:27:26

Just a shame our oven didn't work so we could try it.

0:27:260:27:30

It hasn't been a complete waste.

0:27:300:27:32

These accessories have come in handy.

0:27:320:27:34

Indeed. These tentacle warmers are like gloves on my head.

0:27:340:27:38

And these slippers are SO cosy.

0:27:380:27:41

# Sometimes I feel like breaking free

0:27:440:27:49

# Let's lift these chains

0:27:490:27:51

# Let's rock this wave right out to sea

0:27:510:27:57

# I will be

0:27:570:28:00

# Breaking free. #

0:28:000:28:02

Jack, Sam and Dani enter a cook-off which turns into a cut-throat competition. Max and Ben decide to earn millions by becoming conceptual artists, but manage to ruin the chances for the young chefs when they 'borrow' some of the key menu items for their work.


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