Only Child Dani's House

-Any hyper post?

-No, just bills.

-Oh, and a package arrived...

-Oh!

-..from your Nana Zarg.

-Oh, no!

She sent you this...

..and she sent you these!

Thank you.

She said she was going to call you later.

RINGING

Don't answer that!

-'Zarkikins, is that you?'

-Um, hi, Nana.

Thank you for the ear muffs and the, er...

-They're lovely.

-'Not too scratchy on your little bot-bot?'

-They're fine.

-'I hope you're washing behind your ear flaps.'

-Sorry, Nana.

-I can't...you.

-'Zarky? ..Zarky!'

-You're...up.

-'Zarky!'

-We're going to land on the moon. Call you later. Bye.

How could you be so mean to your nice Nana Zarg?

Are we grumpy cos we missed our nap?

I am a grown-up co-ordinator, not a baby, thank you very much.

All right, don't throw your toys out of the pram, Zarkikins!

Oh, it's time for Dani's House.

Hi, my name's Dani and this is my fantastic new...

-..best friend, Jack!

-Yeah, but..

Oh, where was I?

Your name's Dani and I'm your best friend too - Sam.

As I was saying, this is my fantastic new...

-Max!

-I'm her brother

-and actually it's...Ben.

-What?

Oh, it's OUR show.

Can you just zip it?

As I was saying, my name's Dani and this is my fantastic...

OTHERS ALL TALK AT ONCE

I give up.

RAUCOUS MUSIC PLAYS

MUSIC STOPS

I was asleep.

Dani has trouble getting up.

See? It's not just a rumour, there's a time of day called "morning"(!)

RAUCOUS MUSIC PLAYS AGAIN

MUSIC CONTINUES TO BLARE

DANI SIGHS

I'm not going to let them get to me.

Nice try, Maxie-boy, but nothing's going to ruin my breakfast.

DANI SQUEALS

-You're not funny! Open up!

-DANI POUNDS ON DOOR

I would, but the thing is, I'm not stupid.

You're so dead, it's not true! Stop it, Ben.

-Don't ask.

-OK, I won't.

-It was Max, all right?

-He's just so...

-DANI SQUEALS AGAIN

-..infuriating.

-OK, OK, breathe in... out...in...

You know what I'm thinking? It's barbecue weather.

-I've had food poisoning, thanks(!)

-I cook everything to perfection.

DANI GRUNTS

It was just that one time and most of the Scouts are fine now.

-DANI GRUNTS

-Oh, sorry, breathe out.

Why me?

Why did I end up with the little brother from hell?

I can't go out, I can't bring anyone cool home...

BOTH: What about us?

Oh, yes, besides you.

It's a nightmare. Why couldn't I have been an only child?

-Parents thought you'd be lonely.

-I'd have been happy with a puppy.

-Happy birthday, darling!

-Thanks. I love it.

-We got you a little friend.

-Don't want you being lonely.

-I'm not lonely.

Oh, he is kind of cute.

Oh! What are you doing? Get down, you naughty puppy.

Get down!

Mind what you're doing!

Right, you little...

-HE PEES

-Dead, boy, dead!

No-o-o!

No, on second thoughts, if it was anything like that!

-Here.

-What's this?

Is it Rudolf the red-nosed reindeer in a snowdrift?

No, it's a red button,

and if you push it, Max will cease to exist,

like he'd never been born in the first place.

-And I'd be an only child.

-Right, so are you going to push it?

Think about this for a minute.

Yes, he's more annoying than itchy underwear, but he's your brother.

Go ahead. Push it and pouff! No more Max.

Only child. You might find it hard to share.

You could have parties, lie-ins, white T-shirts that stay white.

-It's not right.

-You know you want to.

-I can't believe you actually did it.

-What? It's only a bit of paper.

-My own sister! How could she?

-What did she do?

-Guess.

-Did she grind your face into the carpet?

-Much worse.

-Sing to you.

-She pressed a button to make me cease to exist.

-It's hard to guess.

This time she's gone too far. We'll have to teach her a terrible lesson.

-Yeah, how?

-We'll make her dreams come true...

..starting first thing tomorrow.

BIRDSONG

NO RAUCOUS MUSIC

Guess even evil little brothers take a day off sometimes.

-DOOR OPENS

-Hey!

You look chilled.

That's because I just spent a whole hour in the bathroom

without anyone banging the door down.

-Is Max sick?

-I heard him get up - haven't seen him since.

He's probably out terrorising someone else.

# Stand by your buns! #

The burger-meister is in the house.

Prepare your drool buds for when you taste my secret sauce.

-Oooh! What's in it?

-I'd tell you but then I'd have to kill you.

Has it got mustard, honey and OJ with bits in?

Orange, chillies and slimy old fish skin?

Soya sauce, wine gums and fresh chicken wings?

-BOTH: Mmm!

-Are we close?

-Mmm! Nowhere near.

-So, when are we eating?

After everything gets burnt to a crisp, we send out for pizza.

Oh, ye of little faith. Ready by dinner time.

-Sam, we could watch some telly.

-No Max to stop us.

BOTH: Yee!

Maybe Jack's red button worked after all.

-Hi.

-Knew it wouldn't last.

-What?

-Isn't Max with you?

-No.

Our luck's holding!

Hi.

Psst, Ben!

Max?

Where are you?

Up here, you dimwit!

Oh, you scared me!

-This is cool.

-No, it's not. It's boiling hot and dusty. Atchoo!

I've been stuck up here for hours. Has Dani missed me?

Has she broken down in tears yet?

Is she holding a picture of me and stroking my face?

-Not exactly.

-"Not exactly." I thought I'd have broken her by now.

-Why isn't she more worried about me?

-Because you're fine.

-She doesn't know that.

-You want me to tell her.

-No.

-Say you can't find me anywhere and get me a snack. I'm starving.

-OK.

Oh, and get rid of this.

What is it?

Oh, no!

It's still a bit warm. Eugh!

Now, I need to get my sauce together.

A good chef tastes everything first. Oh, yeah.

Mmm!

-Oh!

-HE SNIFFS

Atchoo!

Oh!

Agghh!

Help! My tongue's on fire!

-Aggh!

-Give me some of that! This is an emergency.

-No, you can't! I won't let you.

-Please! My tongue's a volcano!

It's disgusting.

I can't stand it any longer. I feel like a caged tiger.

What's going on down there?

Hmm!

Crude...

..but with the right modifications and a bit of old piping...

Yes!

..it could just work.

Hope this mystery barbecue is worth the wait.

You know he's actually not a bad cook, but don't say I told you so.

You know, it's really odd. I can't find Max anywhere.

I have a funny feeling he's gone.

It's like he's just disappeared, like he's just not here or something.

It's strange, almost haunting.

-Anyone for tea?

-Hang on. Was there anything troubling Max yesterday?

Apart from the fact that you wanted him dead?

No, I didn't. I just...sort of wished he didn't exist,

-so he saw me pressing the...

-Got any more firelighters?

Uh-uh-uh! No more snacking or you'll spoil your tea!

-Guess what?

-Max saw everything.

-My secret sauce recipe?!

I must stop him before he tells the press.

No. The button...clever clogs(!)

It must have really hurt Max's feelings.

He doesn't have any feelings, besides he totally asked for it.

-Maybe we should all look for him.

-Not me, Sam.

-My sauce is like a baby, it needs love.

-Smells like it needs changing.

How does he do it? I finally get the place to myself...

Come on. Let's look round the house. He probably hasn't gone far.

BOTH: Aggh!

-Sshh! You'll give me away.

-What are you doing down here?

-I needed this.

-I'm hungry. Where's my snack?

-I tried to.

-Max! Where are you?

-Move!

We're all missing you.

-He's not going to believe that. He's not stupid.

-No!

I looked. He's not in there.

-I'll just make sure.

-Look, is that him going upstairs?

-Where?

There you are!

THEY LAUGH

Co-ordinator Zak, what's that?

Hmm? What? Oh!

Nothing.

If you press the button, I cease to exist, is that it?

-No, actually, you get sent a basket of muffins.

-That's lovely.

No! You cease to exist.

You really are the most horrible vile excuse for a co-ordinator, I ever...!

-Uh-uh-uh! Now, be a darling and get me a cup of zinky-fruit tea.

-No!

-Um...what's that?

-I'll give you one guess.

-Don't tempt me. I'll do it.

-So will I. I mean it.

Oh.

-This is all your fault.

-Oh!

There, that should do it.

Now I can keep an eye on things.

Wow! A periscope! That's so cool. Why do you want to see out the roof?

I don't, you idiot. Hand it to me, Ben.

-Flood the aft torpedo tube. Fire one! Dive, dive, dive!

-Ben!

-Oh.

Max! Max! Max!

-Any sign of him?

-No.

He's probably melting his toys or firing ants into space.

-Aren't you a bit worried about him?

-Not really. Probably just gone out.

Look, it's Max. One thing is for sure, wherever he is, he's fine,

-which is more than can be said for anyone near him.

-But after you...

-pressed the button.

-If he was that bothered, he'd wonder why.

He'd be sorry he'd pushed me past the brink of sanity.

You hurt his feelings. Shouldn't you apologise?

Me? No! Max is the one who should say sorry.

"Sorry"! Why should I feel sorry? She was the one who...

-Wait.

-What are you going to do?

-I'll do what she least expects -

the one thing that will really get her worried.

I'll write her a note of apology.

That's so fiendish...I think.

-Ben!

-Hide!

All clear up here.

-Were you talking to someone?

-What, me? No.

See? Just old tennis racquets and mouse droppings.

Probably rats up here, huge ones.

What's behind here?

Agghh!

-Ben? Ben, are you all right?

-Oh-h!

Right. Now to add my secret ingredients.

You know, no-one's allowed to see what goes into my sauce, not even me.

So that's what goes into Jack's special sauce, is it?

I can see all your secrets, all your secrets, I tell you!

HE LAUGHS EVILLY

-Are you OK, Ben?

-Yeah, yeah. It's just so hot and stuffy up there.

-I don't know. Do you think we should worry?

-No, honestly, I'm fine.

I meant about Max.

Nearly ready.

-Oh, any sign of him?

-Who?

-Max.

-No, just the note.

-What note?

-The one I found stuck to the door.

-Let me see it.

"Take two bottles..."

My recipe! Just forget you saw that.

"Dear Dani, your wish has come true. I've run away.

"Maybe when I'm 21 I will return with a beard and intriguing scar.

"I'm sorry I've been such a disappointment, fondly, Max."

OK, I guess he does have feelings.

-Who knew?

-I don't know what he's up to, but I'm getting worried now.

We haven't checked outside. He could be hiding in the garden.

OK, let's form a search party.

-If he's not there, I'm calling my parents.

-I'll get a torch.

-Anything else we need?

-Actually, Jack, you should stay here.

-Someone needs to be here in case he comes out of hiding.

-Ben's here.

Someone sensible.

-Are you leaving Jack?

-Best I can do.

The note was a masterstroke. I'm a genius.

It's not weird at all that I'm up in the attic, talking to myself.

Ah, goody! Something to eat.

What took him so long?

Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh!

I think we should wait, don't you, until the others get here?

-You don't understand. It's not for me, it's for...

-Who?

-Er...you.

-I bet all that cooking has made you hungry.

-Well, I am pretty peckish.

I'm sure the girls won't mind if we start without them.

Here.

Mmm! Yummy, eh?

They don't call me the barbie-meister for nothing.

This is delicious and that sauce, it's amazing and that after-burn,

it's exquisite...

..and that special tang...

(Sorry!)

People can smell it for miles, drives them crazy.

Oh, I'm so hungry, I could eat anything.

Oh, yes, yes.

A ship. I see a ship, but it's far, far away.

Other way, you idiot.

Oh, now it's much closer.

Hey, we're over here. Hey!

Oh! It sunk.

You know, Ben, even though we're stuck here

with only seaweed and barnacles to eat,

at least we've stood by each other...

CHICKEN CLUCKS

..but we must all make sacrifices.

And if only one of us makes it,

I promise I'll tell everyone how brave you were.

Max?

-Max, what are you doing?

-Sorry.

Oh, my stomach hurts!

Well, I did make enough for six!

Is there any left?

Did Max come back?

'Fraid not. Did you see him out there?

He could be at a friend's house.

I'm starving, is there any food?

Sam! How could you think of food at a time like this?

That's it. Where's the phone?

I'm going to call Mum and Dad.

OK, but the important thing is not to panic.

-Put pictures up of him on trees.

-He's my brother, not a lost kitten!

I'd give anything to see him again, see his cheeky little face,

hear his laugh...

This is Max we're talking about!

I know, but he's my brother!

I love him...

even though he is a berk.

You said his laugh sounded like a weasel caught in a fan.

No, I didn't! I love his laugh!

And when he tilts his head back and you can see right up his nose.

I wouldn't do that yet!

Why not?

Because I'm sure when Max really thinks about it,

he'll decide to come down.

I mean...back.

He's probably going a bit mad up there...out there.

She misses my laugh.

Serves her right.

What if I get in trouble for it?

Nah, my parents will blame her for not looking after me.

Only, you do feel bad she's worried, don't you?

No, I don't!

I'm the winner, I'm the best,

I'm... Ohhh!

Starving actually.

Hi, Mum. Look, I don't want to worry you but...

-DOOR BELL RINGS

-Can someone let me in, please?

I just called to say hi. Goodbye!

Max!

Hi, I just came back to get my stuff.

Mmm... Is that food I smell?

Oh, Max!

Easy! I only have one spine.

I never thought I'd be pleased to see you. Where have you been?

The bus shelter I now call home.

Oh dear, that sounds grim!

On the plus side, it's just outside the door.

Look, Max, I'm really sorry.

I didn't mean it. It was a stupid joke.

Look, you're my little brother and I want you to stay.

If you're sure I won't be a burden.

Of course not.

And if there's anything I can do to make it up to you...

Well, I always fancied your mountain bike.

Uh! Don't push it, OK?

Hungry, little bro?

The barbie-meister's on the case. I've fired it up again.

I know, I can smell it.

Max, you're kind of drooling!

Give him the best bits. He must be ravenous.

Definitely. It's great to see you again, Max.

You had your sister in a right state.

Maybe next time you'll think before tempting her

with one of your red-button drawings.

Right. So I'll just go get the...

Pass me the remote, Sam.

Can I have my lemonade?

Get it yourself!

Here we go - made with love...

and the barbie-meister's special sauce.

-I don't know what he puts in it.

-And you never will.

You wouldn't believe me.

What's so special about ketchup mixed with peanut butter?

My secret!

It's OK. It's still really nice.

That's it?! That's the barbie-meister's top-secret recipe?

How did you know?

It's impossible, no-one saw me!

Max, Max, Max, little Maxie...

Could you pass me the coleslaw please, I'm starving!

You never went out, did you?

Of course I did.

Liar! He's been spying on us the whole time,

with one of those eye in the skies.

Do you need to lie down?

No! Honestly, he had one of those periscope thingies.

That's why he knew what was in your secret sauce.

OK, nobody leaves the room.

OK, there is a perfectly reasonable expla...

Run!

Yeah, that's right - run while you still have legs!

Going somewhere, spy boy?

THEY SCREAM

Mmmm! This barbecue really is excellent!

Crispy and chewy on the outside,

juicy and tender on the inside.

And how gorgeous is this sauce?

Sweet and smoky.

Mmmm!

And the after-burn really is exquisite!

But where are my manners? Let me share it with you.

MAX SNIFFS

Argh! This is inhuman!

Why didn't you get me a snack when I told you to? Why?!

-I tried!

-How can you stand that smell?

I'm full. You know that uncomfortably-tight feeling...

No, I don't know!

Yummy food!

Well, I'll just leave this outside for you with all the trimmings.

Potato salad and chocolate brownie.

I can't stand it.

Why did I get the big sister from hell? Why?!

Maybe if you press the red button she'll disappear.

-That's never going to work.

-What have we got to lose?

Surely it's worth a try.

It's a trap.

No, I think she's really gone.

THEY SCREAM

Another most stimulating show.

I was an only child, you know?

Well, that explains a lot.

What about you?

I was the youngest of 300.

My mum had us in batches of 40.

I remember we had a lovely time in the slime cocoon,

squirming over each other.

Eww! Too much information.

How were you born then?

Like normal people -

in a gelatine tank.

Want to see a family snap?

If I must.

You had to be down pretty early in the morning

if you wanted the last of the cereal, I can tell you.

Ah! that must be you.

You look exactly the same.

Same mouth, same expression.

That's my sister's pet lizard!

Oh. Well, easy mistake to make.

# Sometimes I feel like breaking free

# Let's lift these chains

# Let's rock this wave right out to sea

# I will be... #