Surreal sitcom about a struggling actress. When the local library closes down, Dani reluctantly agrees to set up the library in her house.
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Nearly time for Dani's House.
You're not watching TV - it rots your antennae.
No, it doesn't. I watch loads of telly, and my antennae are tiptop.
Today we're going to improve our minds by reading books instead.
See? Reading books can be just as much fun as watching TV.
Wait a minute...
-Hi, my name's Dani, and this is my fantastic new...
-Best friend, Jack.
Yeah, but... Oh, where was I?
Your name's Dani, and I'm your best friend too, Sam.
As I was saying, this is my fantastic new... Max!
-I'm her brother, and actually it's... Ben?
Oh, it's our show.
Can you just zip it?! As I was saying, my name's Dani,
and this is my fantastic new... SHOUTING
I give up!
Hello, world, I can't talk now. Next goal wins, and it's going to be mine.
-Yeah(!) Get in.
-Get out, get out!
OK, I won't tell you the big news.
Oh, no, not you - I was talking to the ball.
What big news?
-They're shutting down the local library.
No, I mean, it's like my second home.
It would be my first if they let me keep my toothbrush there.
-This is the worst day ever.
-Oh, come on, Sam, it's just
a bunch of boring books, and the library is no fun to hang out in.
It's stuffy, old-fashioned, and you've got to be totally silent.
Zero decibels just ain't me.
-I admit it could do with modernising a bit.
I bet they've still got maps in there that show the earth is flat.
-All it needs is a lick of paint.
-And some new books...
-and an audio and DVD section.
-And some comfy chairs.
Face it, Sam, that library is a relic.
-It should be shut down.
No, no, no, no, he didn't mean that.
Breathe. How would you feel if they told you that the
-pizza place in town was closing down?
-The pizza place is closing down?
I can't live without my deep-crust pepperoni megamunch.
Oh, I've got to stop them.
No, no, Jack, I didn't mean...
It's OK. Breathe, breathe.
All these library books are overdue?
Should have taken them back months ago.
Why are you smiling? You're going to have a massive fine.
-I'm not taking them back.
-I thought the whole point
of a library is you take the books back.
They're closing it down so I've generously decided
-to look after them.
-But that's stealing!
Think of it more as a permanent loan.
Let me get this straight.
Now you're telling me the pizza place isn't closing down.
-I never said that it was.
-You said what would I do if it closed down.
Oh...if. What am I going to do with all this pepperoni?
-Bring it with you on the protest march to the library?
-Yeah, I'm going to march to Town Hall...
..and hand the council this letter begging them to keep it open.
-What?! That's it?
-And you've got a better idea?
-Yeah. If you feel that strongly,
you need to make some noise, show them you mean business.
Yeah. All this letter's going to show them
is that you've got nice handwriting...that smudges.
I can't march to Town Hall and make some noise.
People will look at me,
-and I'm really shy.
-Well, let me lead the protest.
We won't leave until the library's saved.
Won't they just throw us out?
Not with what I've got planned.
This is how you demonstrate.
-What do we want?
-To save our library.
-When do we want it?
This is so much more fun than writing a letter.
-I'm loving the chains.
-Yeah, once we clamp these babies
to the library railings, there'll be no shifting us.
What do we say, people?
# We shall not We shall not be moved
# We shall not We shall not be moved. #
Guys, isn't moving what we should be doing?
We need to get the library to protest before they close it.
Too right. I'll just get the key...
-Here, let me.
Looks like you've got a bit a bit snagged there, Sammy. Allow me.
-Not going to work.
-No, no, Jack, put your left leg over.
-Your left leg.
-All right. OK.
-You're kind of sitting on me.
-Ow! That's not working.
I can see it, I can get it.
Yes? Ooh, that looks like fun.
-Can I join in?
Dani, nose, nose!
Ben, what have I told you about playing with strangers?
-We're not strange.
Come on, Ben.
Now, then, you may read out my post.
Can't have me wearing out my eyes, can we?
-I like that start, shows respect.
"We note that you are in possession
"of several hundred overdue library books and are liable to repay..."
Oh, that's a big number.
"If you don't make the payment within seven days, you will be
"taken to court where you will face a fine or possible imprisonment."
Max, it's over £400.
Ha-ha, very funny. What's it really say?
Just what I said. It's from a debt collection agency.
Max, you've really got to pay that library fine.
Oh, sure they say it's free when you borrow the books from them,
but as soon as you forget to take it back,
wham, you've got to pay big time.
-What are you doing?
-Building a barricade
so the debt collectors can't find me.
-You've got a text from them.
-They've emailed you.
-Don't open it.
Er...that was my phone.
-That's your phone.
These guys aren't going to give up.
You could run, but you can't hide.
Actually, that's not bad.
Hiding might work.
They'll never take me alive.
-What did we want?
-To save our library.
-What did we get?
Just proves what you can do
when you get off your backside and make some noise.
I can't believe you chained yourself to the Mayor.
And then you gave that amazing speech.
-If you take away our books, we'll take away your freedom.
Thanks, Dani, I owe you one.
I'm coming. You don't have to wear out the doorbell!
You've got a letter from the Mayor's office, sign here.
Ooh. We're going to jail. I knew we shouldn't have protested.
-This is all your fault.
-We're not going to jail.
I knew that, I was just kidding.
"I'm writing to confirm that following your passionate
"speech to the council, we were so impressed with your vision
"we've decided to re-house the library...
-"in your house."
-That can't be right.
-You must have read it wrong.
-But I said "if" I ran the library.
I didn't mean I actually wanted the job.
Excuse me, but where would you like detective fiction?
My house is the new library.
"Running a library is a huge responsibility, so I will make
"an official inspection in a few days to see if it is a success."
I only wanted to save the library - I didn't want to move it into my house.
-There is no way I am doing this.
-"If visitor numbers have not improved,
"then we will have no option but to close the library for good."
-This is so unfair.
-Your house isn't the right place for a library.
-And even if it was, you couldn't run it.
What are you trying to say?
That you're an actress and a singer, not a librarian.
I'm versatile, I could do it. ..What do you think, Jack?
-No, I couldn't run a library.
-I meant me.
-No, you couldn't either.
I hate to hurry you, folks, but this is really heavy.
Sorry. Just put it down over there.
I am going to prove you both wrong.
I'm going to open the best library ever
-and pass the Mayor's inspection. So who's with me?
-Yeah, go on.
Can someone give me a hand with the rest?
Time to unleash these bad boys.
Thanks. I've got over 60 boxes in the lorry.
I think my arms have stretched.
This will definitely help me cut down on my TV viewing.
Where do I start with all these books?
Hello, a friend in need of suggestions...
Hmm, that's a tricky one.
There's a great giraffe book in the wildlife section in the den.
Or you can head over to the kitchen and check out these...
RARR! You know, I'd read a lot more if every book was a pop-up.
I don't need suggestions for books -
I need ideas on how to organise this lot. Can't leave books lying around -
someone will trip over and hurt themselves.
Oh, come on, it's easy enough to just step over them.
-Yeah, I see what you mean.
And where's my milk?
We need to turn this place into a well-run library that has a future.
Yeah, like that's going to happen(!)
We can turn the kitchen into an internet cafe -
laptops over here, lattes over there.
-Ooh, we could put a pool table here.
What's pool got to do with books?
Nothing, I just really like playing pool.
What if I could sit here with my laptop, sipping a latte
and search the book I want online?
What if I can sink the eight ball in the corner pocket?
-We can stack a lot of the books upstairs,
and when someone makes their online selection,
one of us goes and gets it.
That'll clear the hallway and doors, but what about the den?
Well, we can use the sofa as a chill-out reading zone
and the beanbags as a pre-reader zone.
-Ooh, we could get a jukebox.
-Oh, come on, it'll be cool.
People can boogie with their books.
You can dance and read at the same time?
It's a bit harder than I thought.
Right, you do the internet cafe, and you do the pre-readers,
and I'll start sorting this lot out.
Right, let's get to work, people.
-What's the password?
I sent you to get some food.
-This is food.
-This is fruit - it doesn't count.
Don't freak out, but I've got some bad news about the library.
The debt collectors are here to collect my fines?
No. Not only has Dani saved the library,
the council have moved it here and they've put her in charge.
-But that means you now owe Dani the fine.
It also means that the library computer is in this house.
All I have to do is delete my record,
and it'll be like I never existed.
Jack, can you please finish the mural? We open in five minutes!
Sorry, I just can't stop playing with these pop-ups. Boing!
-And you've painted Little Red Riding Hood blue!
Maybe we could say she wants to keep up with the latest trend.
-Blue is the new red.
-And the Gingerbread Man is green.
What if we called him the Cucumber Man instead?
There isn't a fairytale called the Cucumber Man.
Well, there should be.
Once upon a time, there was a man made out of cucumber.
His friends called him the Cucumber Man.
Actually, my friends call me Dave.
One day, he woke up and decided to go on an adventure.
A lot of the time, I get called names like...Salad Freak.
So he set off to try and find a vegetable garden.
Oh, do I have to?
It's getting late, and I really don't like venturing
into the garden at night.
And I'm scared of the carrots.
They're mean bullies who can see in the dark.
Would you put a sock in it?
I don't wear socks - I'm a cucumber.
There's a slight problem with the internet cafe.
-Well, the internet access doesn't work
and neither does the coffee machine.
Great. We open in...four minutes
and we've got a fairytale foul-up, we've got an internet cafe where
the only thing you can access is the door, and a lucky dip pile of books.
Maybe I can be of assistance.
Miss Batstone used to run the old library before it closed down.
And now they've made you head librarian instead.
How are you getting on?
We're having some teething problems,
but this will be a great library when it opens in...
-Well, if you don't need my help, I'll be on my way.
No, no, no, no, please don't go. We could really do
with your expert advice.
-What do you know about internet access?
-We didn't have one.
-I have a flask of tea.
Ah, well, I would recommend the Dewey Decimal Classification system.
There are ten main categories, each divided into ten sub-categories.
Great! You can do books. I'll go with you two.
One minute, guys.
-THUNDER OF FEET
-Come to Jack's reading time!
Right, you guys, I'm going to read you a story.
Once upon a time, there was a girl called Little Blue Riding Hood.
Now, some people might tell you her name is Little Red Riding Hood,
but trust me, I've met her, and that hoodie is definitely blue.
Skinny latte and one chocolate muffin.
Hi, Miss Batstone, can I get you something to...
wear now Dani's stolen all your clothes.
With great power comes great responsibility.
And really bad dress sense. Seriously, Dani, tweed?
That's going to itch.
The internet cafe's really pulling in the punters.
Yeah, my hot cakes are selling like hot cakes.
-Are we online?
-Online and in line.
This is the best library in the world -
we are going to storm that inspection.
-Ooh, a long train!
Er...this is my area, and I control the volume.
That loud enough for you?
Aren't you going to do something about that racket?
Just try and be a little less noisy, OK?
Why? I thought this library was meant to be fun.
-Well, then, tell that to Miss Uptight over there.
-And why are you dressed like her?
-Head librarian, got to look the part.
You look like a tweed roll.
I'll have you know that tweed is very sophisticated...
See, I told you they'd be itchy.
Doesn't bother me.
Those tickly little fibres not driving you mad?
-Can't feel a thing.
So you can't feel all those itches going, "Scratch me, scratch me!"
-Yes, Miss Batstone.
I would like permission to raise the fines.
-Aren't they high enough already?
-No, there are so many unpaid fines.
If we make them higher, people will bring their books back faster.
-OK, you can raise them.
Chewing gum whilst reading books is strictly prohibited.
Well done(!) Aren't you supposed
to be encouraging people to read, not scaring them away?
Chewing gum ruins books. Anyway, stop talking, this is a library.
What colour shall we do Goldilocks's hair?
-Purple? Good choice - I like your style.
I think we woke up the scary dragon.
Yes, and if you don't quieten down, the dragon will eat you.
She's in charge of books,
which means she's in charge of overdue books.
Which means you're in big trouble.
I need someone to distract her while
I sneak into the internet cafe and delete my record from the computer.
Good luck finding the fool for that mission.
Can I help you?
I'm Ben. I was... looking for a book.
Could you be more specific?
We have more than one. What subject?
-Stampers. I mean stamps.
-Oh, you're interested in philately?
-It means stamp collecting.
-What a stupid word...
..which stamp collectors like me love.
I'll see what I can find.
Ooh, I'm on page 100 - where are you up to?
I'm up to the second story.
Ha-ha, get it? Second story...
It's easy as taking candy from Ben.
There's my record.
Ooh, that is a big fine... which I won't be paying.
Delete record - yes or no.
Tricky one...not. Goodbye!
What are you doing? You can't delete your record!
I-I wasn't, I was...er...
-cleaning the keyboard.
Now look what you've done!
You've completely messed up the whole library catalogue.
-I can fix it.
-Go on, then.
OK, I lied, I can't fix that.
You are in big trouble.
-Yes, what are you going to do about it?
-Tell Miss Batstone.
Please don't tell her - I'll do anything, anything.
Well, the system's down, I've got to tell her.
Yeah, well, she'll have to catch me first.
It's due back in three weeks.
I'll know all about stamp collecting
by then, on top of everything I already know, which is loads.
Can I have your library card, please?
I don't have a library card.
-I'll bring it back. I promise.
We don't lend out books on a promise.
-Are you trying to steal this book?
Ah, Sam, you've got customers waiting.
I've got to fix the computer system,
otherwise people can't find any of their books.
Well, I've got the Mayor coming for the inspection soon.
OK, I'll fix the system, you go and serve the customers.
-Really? ..Sorry. Hi.
How about a nice glass of water instead?
One cappuccino coming right up.
Well, we've got milk, haven't we?
I might just go with the glass of water.
No. No, no, no, no.
You asked for a cappuccino, you are getting a cappuccino.
I need your help to catch a book thief.
So what did this book thief look like, then?
He was a shifty-looking creature with dark, scruffy hair
and he hadn't brushed his teeth.
Ooh, and his name was Ben.
I know exactly who you're looking for.
-It was all his idea. I had to distract you so he could delete
his library fines from the computer.
-Sorry, Max, I couldn't help it.
She's got really scary eyes.
Fortunately for you two, I don't have the authority to punish you,
but unfortunately for you, I know someone who does.
Give back the overdue books right now
while I think of a suitable punishment.
There's been an incident in the pre-reader zone.
Quick, call the library cops!
This is how we found 'em, dead as a dictionary.
It's got murder written all over it.
Cause of death?
Yes, we caught this guy red-handed.
I just dropped it, it was an accident.
-I didn't mean to do any damage.
-Save your excuses for the jury. Book him.
Oh, no, you've got to believe me, you've got to believe me.
-What a mess.
-There's paint everywhere.
I was just getting the kids to help me finish the mural,
and it got a bit out of hand.
And onto these rare books - what are they doing in here?
There's a problem with the computer system -
-all the books have got mixed up.
-I'm sure we can sort it out.
And what will you do when someone spills coffee on one of the books?
Oh, the kids don't drink coffee,
although I should probably ban juice cartons.
Accidents are bound to happen unless you shut down the internet cafe
-and the pied painter here.
-You can't close down the cafe.
-The pre-readers is staying.
-Let's not argue about this.
No, let's. You should fire her - she's spoiling everything.
If anyone should be fired, it's you two incompetents.
-How dare you?!
Silence! The Mayor will be here any minute to inspect the library,
-which by the way is a total disaster.
-Come on, I wouldn't say total.
The coffee machine exploded.
OK, now it's a total disaster.
I'm sure there's a way to combine your organisation skills
with your creative ideas to get this library back on track.
The books are mixed up all over the library. I won't be able
to get around quick enough to sort them before the Mayor gets here.
I've got an idea.
Clean the books, clean the books.
Hey, you two.
You didn't think I'd forgotten about your punishment, did you?
No, I just thought you'd decided to forgive me,
because that's the sort of kind, generous, loving person you are.
Dream on, blinky boy. You've wrecked the filing systems, you caused chaos
throughout the library and you tried to keep the overdue books.
-Yeah, there is that, I suppose.
you'll be very pleased to know I've thought of a really good punishment
and a way to pay off the overdue book debts.
Put these on - you're going to be bookworms.
Now let me show you our lovely library.
Well, I'll be the judge of that. Lead on, young lady.
And here we have our internet cafe. Shall I get you a fresh coffee?
Oh, yes, please.
-(It's not working.)
-While we're waiting, let me show you our fully
searchable database of all the books we have here in the library.
Do you mind if I have a go?
Go for it.
-(What's going on?
-It's not working.)
-You have a copy
of The Mayor Of Casterbridge, my favourite book -
-will it be easy to find?
Of course! Miss Batstone will be able to find it easy.
She uses the...Dewey Decimal Classification system...
What was that noise?
That noise was indicating that the audio books are now available.
There we go.
Oh, this is very good. We never had this in the old library.
-Milk and sug...ar?
Yes, don't mind if I do.
And here we have The Mayor Of Casterbridge.
And here it is - what a well-organised system.
And over here is our pre-readers zone,
where the kids can play with the bookworms.
Bookworms don't look very happy.
Oh, I can assure you they're fine.
What are you reading, young man?
War And Peace by this dude called Tolstoy.
Well, I was looking for a pop-up book, but I found this instead.
I never knew reading could be so much fun.
Ah, thank you.
It's due back in three weeks.
-Congratulations, Dani, you've built a fine library here.
I must confess I was expecting a bit of a shambles.
We'd never let that happen.
But still I'm going to have to recommend
that this library be closed.
But I just got into books - what, now you want to take them away?
You can't close us down - we're a success.
Yes, so much so
that there simply isn't room in your house for all the many visitors.
Wait, I've got an idea.
Why don't we just modernise the old library?
Working in Dani's library,
I've realised it doesn't have to be a choice between the old and new.
We can mix the two together and get the best out of both worlds.
We could even hire out roller-blades
-so people could find their books faster.
-Book-blading. I love it.
So what do you say, Mr Mayor?
..let's do it!
But first of all,
I must decide which of you two is to be head librarian.
Oh, this badge is only on loan.
Thank you, Dani.
Oh, and by the way, you can keep
the bookworms until they've paid off their fine.
Ah, that was a wonderful book. What's yours like?
-Delicious - want a bite?
-You can't eat the books!
Yes, you can. They're a bit chewy, but once
you get past the hard outer coating, they've got a really soft centre.
Slow down - you've got to savour a good book.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
E-mail [email protected]
Surreal sitcom about a struggling actress continuously left in charge of her annoying younger brother Max, his none-too-bright sidekick Ben and their youngest sibling - the baby from hell.
When the local library closes down, Dani reluctantly agrees to set up the library in her house. With Sam and Jack's help, she turns it into a hip and happening reading place, but just as the mayor comes to inspect how well she's doing, the entire place starts to fall apart.