ESP Dani's House


ESP

Surreal sitcom about a struggling actress. After Sam performs a science experiment on Dani, both Jack and Sam become convinced that Dani is psychic.


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Transcript


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-Have you finished the report on human biology, Coordinator Zak?

-Sorry.

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Yes, I have just finished it.

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Did you know that humans only use 10% of their brains?

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Hah - such a waste of potential!

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Indeed, I make sure I'm using the full 100% of my brain at all times.

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What are you doing, Coordinator?

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Trying to lick my elbow.

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May I ask why?

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Ah, I leant in some mayonnaise while trying to make a snack.

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Maybe if I try it very fast...

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That's odd behaviour for someone who claims to use all their brain matter.

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I never said I used it for anything useful.

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-Oh! Dani's House is about to start.

-Oh!

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-I've got it! Maybe you could lick it for me?

-Oh, get it away from me!

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HE LAUGHS

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Hi! My name's Dani,

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and this is my fantastic new...

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Best friend Jack!

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Yeah, but... Oh, where was I?

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Your name's Dani,

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and I'm her best friend too, Sam.

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As I was saying, this is my fantastic new...

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-Max!

-I'm her brother,

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and actually it's... Ben...

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What? Oh, it's OUR show...

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Can you just zip it?!

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As I was saying, my name's Dani, and this is my fantastic...

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THE OTHERS SHOUT

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I give up!

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It's not your show...

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Hey, you! You're just in time.

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Sam's got a major new science project she's about to unveil.

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With any luck, it'll be a machine that transports evil little brothers

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to the far side of the universe.

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Although, thinking about it...

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my evil little brother's weirdly been quiet for the past few days.

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He's probably coming up with some big new idea to mess with my head.

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I'm completely out of ideas.

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-We could put electric eels in Dani's bed.

-Done it.

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We could make her think she's travelled back in time

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to the Renaissance court of King Louis XIV of France.

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Done it.

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We could tell her we bought her a lovely pony.

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But when we give it to her, it turns out to be a horrible, smelly pony

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with sour breath, stinking hooves and a bad attitude.

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This is hopeless.

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I've never struggled to find new ways to irritate my sister before.

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It's called the hypothalamus!

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And I keep telling you, it's pronounced hippopotamus!

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The hypothalamus is the region of the brain

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that controls your sleep patterns.

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What are you two banging on about?

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I'm trying to explain to Jack how I'm going to prove

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-the activation-synthesis hypothesis of dream patterns.

-Did you get that?

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Mostly just sounded like...

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HE SPEAKS GOBBLEDEGOOK

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It's the theory that our dreams are influenced

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by things we've seen and experienced during the day.

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Got you! Like that time I got bit on the nose by a parrot.

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That night I had a dream that my nose hatched and a parrot flew out.

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Exactly. And this is how I'm going to prove it.

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Behold! My masterwork.

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Oh! A giant electric cauliflower.

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It's a model of the human brain.

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Subject wears the helmet, the brain lights up...

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..displaying their neural pathways.

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-Displaying the what?

-How the brain works. Observe.

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Practical and fashionable.

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All I need is a guinea pig.

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-Dani will do it.

-Thanks, Dani. I knew I could count on you.

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Have a seat.

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I'm entering the brain machine

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-into Tech Fad's Junior Scientist of the Year competition.

-Oooh.

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Guys, guys! Check it out.

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My brain's got rhythm, baby.

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ELECTRONIC BEEPING

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It's not a toy!

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What would happen if you used that thing on someone with psychic powers

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who could see into the future?

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Nothing, because there's no such thing as psychic powers.

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Not according to Weird Sphere,

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the magazine for everyone interested in the world of the paranormal.

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-You're not still reading that, are you?

-What if I am?

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The world is frightening enough as it is

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without adding another layer of make-believe scary.

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I can do without thinking about ghosts and psychic weirdos

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and monsters under my bed.

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And they all lived happily ever after.

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Well, good night, Fuzzy Bear.

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Psst!

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Shhh!

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Was that you, Fuzzy Bear?

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Psst! Down here!

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Hello.

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SHE SCREAMS

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I only wanted to ask if you could switch the light back on.

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I'm really scared of the dark.

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Mummy!

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HE WHIMPERS

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The paranormal is real.

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There's tons of evidence that some people can read minds,

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-or predict the future.

-What evidence?

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There's no such thing as a sixth sense,

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or ghosts, or the Loch Ness Monster.

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-Well... Then how do you explain Littlefoot?

-Who?

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The British cousin to the famous Bigfoot. Check out these photos.

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That could be a shadow from a tree

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or light refracting through dust motes.

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-You're just seeing what you want to see, Jack.

-Oh, you people!

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Your minds are just so closed off.

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My mind is very open - to cold, hard scientific fact.

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Now, try this on, Dani.

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And eat a piece of this.

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Cheese?

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ALL: Cheese!

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Yes, cheese will help you dream more vividly.

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Now, take a look at these pictures.

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If my theory is correct, then these images

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should be absorbed by your subconscious, in time for your nap.

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-But it's the middle of the day. What if I can't sleep?

-Count sheep?

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-That never really works.

-Try counting Littlefoots.

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One Littlefoot, two Littlefoot...

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I'll stick with sheep.

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One sheep, two sheep, three sheep..

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SHE SNORES

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Now to monitor Dani's subconscious mind.

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Where are my ideas going to come from now?

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Maybe my life as a scheming, annoying little brother

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is at an end.

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I'm a spent force.

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We could go and eavesdrop on Dani.

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I've got it! We'll eavesdrop on Dani.

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-Might give me some inspiration.

-Great idea, Max.

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I'll practise my best eavesdropping pose.

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I'm liking it. Let's roll.

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-Ben, how are you doing that?

-I don't know!

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I think she's waking up.

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You can't tell that from looking at a bunch of flashing lights.

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Uh-uh!

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Whoa, how long was I asleep for?

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Long enough for me to record some interesting data!

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And for me to get bored!

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Now, do you remember what you dreamt about?

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-It was weird. I was on the phone.

-OK.

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-And the person on the other end was asking about my hair.

-Keep going!

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And then it started snowing even though the sun was shining outside.

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Yes! The hypothesis worked!

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-Surely it's just a load of random dream nonsense.

-It's not random.

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It's exactly what I'm trying to prove. Look...

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Phone. Hair. Snow.

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-Well, I also dreamt about something else.

-Well, go on.

-The doorbell rang

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and there was this gorilla thing at the door, delivering pizza.

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And get this - it was wearing a cowboy hat.

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-Oh.

-What did it look like?

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I can't believe I'm about to say this, but

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-it looked like that Littlefoot thing in your magazine.

-Oh, really?

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It's hardly a surprise, Jack.

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You wouldn't shut up about Littlefoot before Dani fell asleep.

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It all fits in with my theory.

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Science, one, weird spooky stuff, nil.

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Yay!

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Welcome to the Sceptics Web Cast.

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We delve deep into the world of the paranormal

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in a bid to prove that it's all just a load of old rubbish.

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With me this week is amateur monster hunter Mr Richard Moonig.

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Now, I believe you recently had an encounter with a mermaid.

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That's right. Yeah.

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I was out fishing and I felt something wriggling in my net.

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I'd been searching for monsters me whole life.

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When I pulled it out of the water...

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..I knew I'd finally found one.

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Tell us how you knew.

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Well, its bottom half was like the tail...of a fish!

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And its top half?

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Was like, eh... the top half of a fish.

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So this mermaid had the bottom half of a fish?

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Yep.

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And the top half of a fish?

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Correct.

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So how did you know it was a mermaid and not a fish?

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Because it spoke to me.

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What did it say?

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MAKES FISH NOISE

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Get out.

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-But...

-Out. Get out!

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Weird dreams are often a sign

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that the person dreaming them is a psychic.

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Utter guff.

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Some dreams are even predictions of future events.

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Except Littlefoot doesn't exist. He's not real.

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There's no way Dani's dream could come true.

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Besides, I don't want to be psychic. Hearing voices in my head,

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predicting the future. Ugh, it creeps me out.

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I'm happy being normal, thanks.

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I can feel the inspiration flooding back.

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-There's the Max I know!

-Why, thank you, Ben.

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I've missed me too.

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So, how are we going to wind up Dani? What's the plan?

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We'll make her think she's an abnormal psychic freak, of course.

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Of course.

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PHONE RINGS

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Hello.

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Is that Dani?

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Yeah, this is Dani.

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This is Ben. Uh...Ben, Ben...

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..Ben Name.

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Ben Name. Ben-um. Bob Benum!

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-Bob Benum?

-That's right.

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Mr Bob Benum of the National Bureau of Hair Studies.

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We're conducting a survey on the nation's hair habits

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and we'd like to ask you a few questions.

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What kind of questions?

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Do you suffer from premature balding and overly flaky scalp?

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Have you ever entangled your hair in a cake mixer?

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Do you feel your hair has lost its natural joie de vivre?

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That was Bob Benum from the National Bureau of Hair Studies.

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-He asked me loads of questions about my hair.

-What?

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-Like the ones in your dream?

-It's purely coincidence, nothing more.

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My perky butt, it's a coincidence!

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Dani has had a psychic experience.

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I dreamt that it snowed too.

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If I had a premonition, explain to me why it's not snowing right now.

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What?

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It can't be!

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It's just freak weather. Right, Sam?

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Right. I mean, there's all kinds of meteorological reasons.

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Anything from low pressure caused by

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a mid-Atlantic extra-tropical cyclone

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to moist atmospheric conditions dislodging an Arctic air mass.

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Exactly.

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It's snowing and you predicted it, Dani. Or should I call you...

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..Spooky Psychic Girl?

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This is priceless, Ben!

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She's actually going to think she's predicted a snow shower!

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Ben, are you eating the fake snow?

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No.

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What am I thinking right now?

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That you're hungry and want another sandwich?

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That settles it.

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Sam, she can read people's thoughts.

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Jack, you're always hungry and you always want another sandwich.

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Not always. Sometimes I want a bag of crisps.

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-Or a pork pie.

-I know how to really settle this.

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We'll strap you back in the brain machine

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and see if there's any unusual activity going on in your head.

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Works for me.

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All normal. Nothing to indicate that Dani is a psychic.

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Well, maybe your stupid machine is broken. Did you think of that?

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Deal with it, Jack.

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If I'm psychic, where's the ape man in the cowboy hat carrying a pizza?

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Excellent point, Dani.

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DOORBELL RINGS

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Oooh. Actually, can one of you guys answer that?

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I don't want anyone to see me wearing this.

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DOORBELL RINGS

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All right! Keep your hair on.

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Sam! Are you still...?

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Sam?

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Huh!

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Littlefoot!

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Oh, no!

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Littlefoot!

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Oh. Sam! Sam, are you OK?

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Sam, talk to me!

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-What happened?

-It was Littlefoot. He was here.

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He was wearing a cowboy hat, delivering a pizza.

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Just like in your dream.

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Don't be ridiculous!

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Sam, tell him I'm not psychic.

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Sam?

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Sam!

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-Did it work?

-You make the perfect ape man.

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Why do you own a gorilla mask, by the way?

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I wear it at night to keep the night monkeys away.

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Night monkeys?

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You don't get visits from the night monkeys?

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-No.

-Maybe it's just me, then.

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Coordinator Zarg, you're missing Dani's House.

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Dani's House can wait. I'm busy with my new hobby.

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Isn't stargazing a bit pointless when you're already in space?

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On the contrary, Coordinator. I've identified a brand new planet.

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A new planet? Well, let me see!

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I shall call it Zang's World.

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Ensuring my name will be remembered for all eternity.

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You do realise that Zang's World

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is actually just a smear of dirt on the window of our spacecraft?

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What?!

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If you'd cleaned the spacecraft properly, like I'd asked,

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this never would have happened.

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Never mind, Coordinator. You could just name the bit of dirt. Call it...

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..Zang's Smear.

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SHE LAUGHS

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Zang's Smear!

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It can't have been Littlefoot. There has to be some rational explanation.

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I've been so wrong.

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About what?

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Everything.

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My whole life up until this point has been rooted in scientific fact.

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Still is, isn't it?

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If Littlefoot is real and you're a psychic,

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what else have I been wrong about? Maths, physics, chemistry?

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Maybe it's a whole load of rubbish.

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I don't know what to believe any more.

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-Believe in this, Sam.

-No!

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Sam, look, shake yourself out of this.

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You've still got to finish your project for the competition.

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Goodbye, science, old friend.

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No!

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What have we missed?

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Look, now's not a good time, just go away.

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-Don't know why we're here?

-To annoy me.

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-Dani, how did you know that?

-Because he always annoys me.

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Are you sure you didn't have a vision of me annoying you?

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-Look, you're annoying me now, just like I said you would.

-Gasp!

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-Just like in your vision.

-What vision?

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-That was too weird.

-You knew exactly what Max was going to do.

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Oh... Look! I'm not psychic and I'm going to prove it to both of you.

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Somehow.

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Next on Sceptic Web Cast,

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We investigate the world of psychic phenomena.

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With me now is Lisa Treeboise,

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who claims to hear psychic voices in her head.

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Welcome, Lisa.

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-FOOTBALL CROWD CHANTS

-Pardon?

-I said, welcome.

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Sorry, it's just sometimes the psychic voices are a bit too loud.

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Tell me, what do these psychic spirits say to you?

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Right now they're telling me that...

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..Drogba's just missed a free kick.

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I beg your pardon?

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The voices, they're coming through louder and louder.

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Cole passes it to Lampard, Lampard feeds it to Drogba,

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and Drogba scores!

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GOOAAAL!

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-You're listening to a football match.

-Pardon?

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FOOTBALL CROWD STOPS

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The voices - they've stopped!

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I'm free, I'm free!

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Oh, oh!

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Get out.

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I just want everyone to think I'm normal again.

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So there was something at the door wearing a cowboy hat!

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OK, it doesn't mean it was Littlefoot.

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The rodeo could be in town, or a door-to-door cowboy, or...

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SHE SIGHS

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It's working. But I thought Dani would be a gibbering wreck by now.

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I could dress up as Littlefoot again?

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If we keep doing it, we risk being caught.

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But how else will we convince her that Littlefoot's real?

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Perhaps we don't need to go for a full Littlefoot sighting.

0:18:390:18:43

Leave the fake snow alone! What have I told you?

0:18:430:18:46

-That it's bad for me?

-Exactly.

0:18:460:18:49

You've totally broadened my horizons.

0:18:530:18:56

I feel there's this veil of smoke

0:18:560:18:59

that's just been lifted from my eyes, man.

0:18:590:19:02

I'm liking this more open-minded Sam.

0:19:020:19:04

Cryptozoology,

0:19:040:19:06

astral channelling,

0:19:060:19:07

the study of crop circles.

0:19:070:19:10

Those are my beliefs now.

0:19:100:19:12

Right, then. Have we got everything we need?

0:19:120:19:15

Divining rods?

0:19:150:19:17

Check.

0:19:180:19:19

Dreamcatcher?

0:19:190:19:20

Check!

0:19:220:19:23

Chakra stones?

0:19:230:19:25

Check.

0:19:250:19:27

I found this.

0:19:270:19:29

Now do you believe that Littlefoot is real?

0:19:310:19:33

I don't know what to believe in.

0:19:330:19:36

Whoa, what...?

0:19:360:19:39

What's that around your neck?

0:19:390:19:41

My healing crystals.

0:19:410:19:43

Weird Sphere says it totally harmonises my chakra.

0:19:430:19:46

Your what?

0:19:460:19:47

My chakra. Hello?

0:19:470:19:49

Energy centres.

0:19:500:19:53

What's happened to you?

0:19:530:19:54

I'm forging a new path.

0:19:540:19:56

We're going on a Littlefoot hunt.

0:19:580:20:00

Ooooh. Oooh.

0:20:010:20:06

Max, do I have to do this?

0:20:060:20:08

It's making me feel all funny.

0:20:080:20:09

Give it here.

0:20:090:20:10

Ugh.

0:20:120:20:13

Ugh.

0:20:150:20:17

Voila!

0:20:210:20:22

Littlefoot feet.

0:20:220:20:25

SPOOKY MUSIC

0:20:250:20:28

Ooooh! Look!

0:20:290:20:31

Littlefoot hair.

0:20:330:20:35

This proves it!

0:20:350:20:36

Jack, look, footprints!

0:20:360:20:38

Little footprints.

0:20:380:20:39

Littlefoot must have returned here.

0:20:390:20:41

Maybe he's still in the house.

0:20:410:20:44

I don't believe it.

0:20:440:20:46

We've done it, Ben. She thinks Littlefoot is real.

0:20:490:20:52

Hmm.

0:20:540:20:57

I really don't believe it.

0:20:570:21:00

With me now is Terence Toothpastry,

0:21:030:21:07

the man who claims to have been bitten by a werewolf.

0:21:070:21:11

Terence, describe the incident to me.

0:21:110:21:13

Well, I'm a postman, you see.

0:21:130:21:17

And I was delivering mail to this house when I heard a snarling sound.

0:21:170:21:21

Like a wild animal! From behind the door.

0:21:210:21:25

Anyway, I put the mail through the letterbox when, woof!

0:21:250:21:29

Something bit my hand.

0:21:290:21:30

And you think this is a werewolf?

0:21:300:21:32

Well, of course. What else could it be?

0:21:320:21:35

A dog?

0:21:350:21:36

Oh, yeah.

0:21:360:21:38

Didn't think about that.

0:21:380:21:40

I might have known. Get out of my studio!

0:21:430:21:46

HE HOWLS

0:21:460:21:48

Get out!

0:21:480:21:50

Get out!

0:21:520:21:53

Right, who's next?

0:21:530:21:55

Out.

0:21:580:22:00

Ho-ho! Littlefoot trashed the kitchen!

0:22:110:22:14

A-ma-zing!

0:22:140:22:17

He must've been, like, really hungry.

0:22:170:22:21

That's my kind of ape man.

0:22:210:22:22

OK, this is what we're going to do.

0:22:220:22:26

Wait! What if Littlefoot's a vegetarian?

0:22:320:22:34

If I'm right, Littlefoot will be an omnivore.

0:22:340:22:37

Hmm. That's interesting.

0:22:370:22:40

I knew it!

0:22:460:22:47

Sam? Jack, where are you?

0:22:470:22:51

-He's coming, somebody's coming.

-I can prove to you that I'm not a...

0:22:510:22:54

Ouch, ow!

0:22:540:22:56

Aaaah!

0:22:560:22:58

Yes, we caught him! We caught him, Sam!

0:22:580:23:00

We caught Littlefoot! Call the papers.

0:23:000:23:03

Call the news channels. Call the internet. We're going to be famous!

0:23:030:23:06

Jack, that's not Littlefoot.

0:23:060:23:08

-Too right I'm not Littlefoot!

-Easy mistake to make.

-Whatever.

0:23:100:23:13

I have proof that I'm not psychic.

0:23:130:23:16

What kind of proof?

0:23:160:23:17

-The scientific kind.

-Ha-ha! You did science?

0:23:170:23:20

Dani, I've told you. I've realised that science is just

0:23:200:23:24

a desperate refuge for the closed-minded.

0:23:240:23:27

I'm not asking you to believe in science again.

0:23:270:23:29

I'm asking you to believe in your best friend.

0:23:290:23:32

OK.

0:23:320:23:34

I'm listening.

0:23:340:23:36

So, I tested the hair that Sam found in the door frame

0:23:360:23:40

and it turns out it was artificial.

0:23:400:23:42

You mean Littlefoot has artificial fur?

0:23:420:23:46

I had a sneaking feeling I'd seen that shade of fur before.

0:23:460:23:49

So, I went to get a clipping from my mum's fake-fur coat

0:23:490:23:52

but the coat was missing.

0:23:520:23:53

What? And you think Littlefoot stole it?

0:23:530:23:55

In a way, yeah.

0:23:550:23:56

There was a trail of fake-fur coat leading from my mum's wardrobe...

0:23:560:24:00

..to this door.

0:24:000:24:01

Max's bedroom.

0:24:030:24:04

-See where I'm going with this?

-Dani, please.

0:24:040:24:06

I'm really liking this new Sam. Don't do this to us.

0:24:060:24:10

Too late, it's already done.

0:24:100:24:12

Um... Dani, aaah!

0:24:150:24:17

Help, help! Littlefoot's in here!

0:24:170:24:19

He's trying to attack me!

0:24:190:24:21

What?

0:24:210:24:22

Give it up, Max.

0:24:220:24:24

I know what you've been up to.

0:24:240:24:26

So Ben was Littlefoot all along?

0:24:270:24:29

Well, that still doesn't explain how you dreamt this would happen, Dani.

0:24:290:24:33

Or the snow, or the phone call from the Bureau of Hair Studies.

0:24:330:24:36

Ah, the snow.

0:24:360:24:38

My elevenses!

0:24:380:24:40

And I wouldn't be surprised to find our number on Max's mobile.

0:24:400:24:44

-Let me guess. It was the last number you called?

-All right, I admit it.

0:24:440:24:47

I overheard you talking about your dream

0:24:470:24:49

and wanted to make you think you were a psychic freak.

0:24:490:24:52

-But you didn't pull it off, did you?

-No.

0:24:520:24:54

But I fooled your friends pretty good.

0:24:540:24:57

I'd say a partial success.

0:24:570:24:59

I wouldn't be too pleased with yourself.

0:24:590:25:01

Now you've admitted it, you've got to put the kitchen back to rights.

0:25:010:25:05

Unless you want me to tell Mum and Dad what you did, of course?

0:25:050:25:08

Did you manage to fix the brain machine?

0:25:180:25:20

No need to. A good scientist always backs up her data.

0:25:200:25:23

I submitted it last night to the judging panel.

0:25:230:25:26

-It's good to have you back.

-It's good to be back.

0:25:260:25:28

What about you, Jack?

0:25:280:25:29

Still putting all your faith in ridiculous paranormal nonsense?

0:25:290:25:33

Are you kidding?

0:25:330:25:34

If it's that easy for a couple of prize plums

0:25:340:25:36

like Max and Ben to fake Littlefoot, anyone could do it.

0:25:360:25:39

No, this magazine's a load of rubbish.

0:25:390:25:41

From now on, I'm sticking to more reliable sources of information.

0:25:410:25:46

Oh, I wonder what my horoscope says today.

0:25:460:25:49

How sad that another series of Dani's House must come to a close.

0:25:490:25:54

I will miss Dani, Sam and Jack.

0:25:540:25:57

THEY WHIMPER

0:25:570:26:00

Wait. We've still got our teleporter, Coordinator Zak.

0:26:030:26:07

We could beam Dani and her friends up to the ship.

0:26:070:26:11

But that would contravene galactic regulations!

0:26:110:26:14

-Stuff the regulations.

-You can't do this!

-Why?

0:26:140:26:16

-I can!

-No!

-Aaah!

-Ah!

0:26:160:26:20

Hmm. It says I'll be going on a journey to a faraway place.

0:26:200:26:24

Yeah, I know. Load of guff.

0:26:260:26:28

SPOOKY MUSIC

0:26:290:26:31

What's happening?

0:26:310:26:32

-Aaah!

-Oof!

0:26:380:26:40

Where are we?

0:26:400:26:42

Are we in space?

0:26:430:26:45

ALL: Aaaaah!

0:26:470:26:49

Uh...uh...

0:26:490:26:51

I'm sending you back immediately!

0:26:530:26:55

Wait! At least tell us your...

0:26:550:27:00

ELECTRONIC BLEEPING

0:27:010:27:03

There, I've sent them back to Earth and erased their memories.

0:27:030:27:06

-They'll never remember a thing.

-Spoilsport!

0:27:060:27:09

ALARM RINGS

0:27:090:27:12

What's the alarm?

0:27:120:27:13

-Oh, teleporter malfunction.

-Ah.

0:27:130:27:17

Oh, I feel really weird.

0:27:280:27:30

I feel like I've been dragged through

0:27:300:27:32

a molecular disassembler backwards.

0:27:320:27:34

Uh, guys. What's happened to our clothes?

0:27:340:27:37

ALL: Ugh!

0:27:370:27:39

I wish you'd wear bigger knickers.

0:27:390:27:42

Ugh!

0:27:420:27:45

BOTH: Ugh!

0:27:450:27:47

BOTH: Aaah!

0:27:470:27:48

THEY LAUGH

0:27:480:27:50

# Sometimes I feel like breaking free

0:27:550:28:00

# Let's lift these chains

0:28:000:28:02

# Let's ride this wave right out to sea

0:28:020:28:07

# I will be

0:28:070:28:11

# Breaking free. #

0:28:110:28:14

Surreal sitcom about a struggling actress, continuously left in charge of her annoying younger brother Max, his none-too-bright sidekick Ben and their youngest sibling - the baby from hell.

After Sam performs a science experiment on Dani, both Jack and Sam become convinced that Dani is psychic. Sam gives up her faith in science to become a New Age hippie. But Max and Ben have concocted the entire plot in an effort to liven up things in the house. Dani refuses to fall for it, and sets out to prove that she is not in possession of psychic powers, but she has a hard time convincing Jack and Sam.


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