Ben's Girl Dani's House

"Sick of being pushed around?

"Grow a spine, shell, impressive mandibles,

"depending on your species, with our amazing Confidence Ray."

Honestly, who falls for this kind of rubbish?

So, what do you think of my new Confidence Ray?

You know, having no confidence is nature's way of telling you

you're a wimp.

Yeah, you're right. No! I'm sick of being pushed around!

Oh!

Coordinator! How you doing?

So, don't you just love what I've done with my new antennas?

Er, yeah.

And what do you think of my new six-pack, by the way?

Or should I say, my new 24-pack!

Yeah, it's great.

-What do you say we get this show on the road?

-What show?

Dani's House, of course!

Hey, guys! My name's Dani, and this...

Is her best friend, Jack!

Thanks. My name's Dani, and this...

Is her brother, Max!

And his best friend, Ben!

As I was saying, my name's Dani, and this...

Is her friend, Ruby!

And I'm her sister, Maisy!

And I'm Dani, and this is the brilliant...

ALL: Our house!

ALL ARGUE

RUBY WHISTLES

I'll get it!

-Woah, expecting someone?

-Maybe.

Prepare to be impressed.

-By Jack?

-Oh!

I have this effect on people.

Just sign here, here,

and initials there.

It's just boring legal stuff, like if you tell anyone

about my new invention, you agree to be boiled in oil, blah, blah, blah.

What new invention?

The world's very first House-nav.

-House-nav?

-Mmm. Go on, try it.

But I already know the way around my house.

Ah, but what if you're in the dark, and it's someone else's house?

Say if you were...

A burglar?

MACHINE: 'Go forward two metres.

'Not that far. Walk backwards.

'Actually, moonwalk backwards.'

-Huh?

-'Just do it!'

-Fine!

'Stop. Careful of the hidden alarm.

'Call yourself a burglar?

'Dear, oh dear.

'That's better.

Now, lift the painting.

-'You have arrived at your destination, safe.'

-Bingo!

-OTHER MACHINE:

-'Turn left.

'Continue for three metres. You have arrived at criminal.'

Like it? It's my new You're Nicked-nav.

-'You're nicked, sunshine.'

-What she says.

DOORBELL RINGS

Raaah!

Aaaaagh! Aaaaagh!

Ugh, that's horrible! You really scared me!

Then my work here is done!

Sorry. I just picked her up from a make-a-mask party.

All the other girls made fairy and princess masks.

Yeah, losers!

I need a fresh top!

Oh, that's really good.

If that's the word.

KNOCK AT DOOR

-Oh!

-Aaaah!

Oh! Please, put that away! Masks really freak me out.

What do you think you're doing? Hi, hi! Sorry about her!

Hiya. You new around here?

Use this handy house-nav to find your way.

Living room.

MACHINE: 'Go down the corridor.

'In two metres, turn right.

'You have arrived at your destination, bathroom.'

What? No! Stupid thing!

Hey, everyone. This is Sandy. She's...my new girlfriend!

Hi.

Oh, wow! Hi, I'm Ruby.

And this is Jack.

Hi, great to meet you.

And Dani.

Dani?

Erm, hi!

So, how long have you known each other?

Oh, I've had my eye on Ken for ages.

-Erm, it's Ben.

-Oh, what am I like?

-Lol, sorry!

-Erm, maybe you guys could give us some space?

Yeah, sure, no problem!

Dani?

Dani!

They're my older friends. DJs, actors.

I roll with a pretty cool crowd!

You were a bit off in there.

Just get a bad feeling about her, that's all.

That makes sense, seeing as you met her for a whole five seconds!

-She called him Ken.

-So? Big deal! Just because she goofed up his name?

-I don't call you Mack, do I? Or Muby.

-I hope not!

OK, what shall we do? I could show you my dungball collection.

Your what?

Little balls made by dung beetles.

-They're fascinating and beautiful.

-No thanks.

Let's get to know each other. What's your favourite letter? Mine's M.

-Why don't you sit down?

-Yes, I adore sitting.

I often sit when I'm not standing or lying down.

Come over here, I don't bite.

-What's that?

-My MP3 player.

Mind if I borrow it? Get to know what sounds you're into?

Go ahead. I mean, you're my girlfriend. What's mine's yours.

-Hey, have a dungball, too!

-No, you're OK, thanks.

PHONE RINGS

-Oh, sorry, I've got to nip out.

-Oh.

Don't worry, I'll be back.

Raaaah!

Hey, nice mask! Did you make it yourself?

Why aren't you scared? Everyone else was.

Yeah, but I'm the king of not being scared.

Yep, I've seen many, many horror films,

some even with the sound up.

I could scare you, easy-peasy!

No chance!

I've seen Night Of The Poodle People in 3D gore-ovision,

and I fell asleep.

OK, then bet me. I can scare you by the end of the day.

Scare me?

Make you scream like a little girl.

No way, Jose!

If I win, you have to take me out to Supershakes.

And if I win?

-You get nothing.

-Fair enough.

I'll never wash my cheek again!

That's it!

Oh, can't wait to grill Ben about Sandy.

Oh, give the guy some breathing room, OK?

He probably doesn't want to make a big deal.

Stand back, guy with girlfriend coming through!

-What do you think? I had it printed!

-Why not just hire a billboard?

Good idea. How much are they?

So, how did you meet Sandy?

She just walked up and asked me to be her boyfriend.

-Aw!

-Whoa, whoa.

-She asked you?

-Yeah.

She must have seen me and thought, "Wow, he is uber-hot!"

Ha, ha, yeah, right(!)

I mean, yeah, right.

Ben was just telling us about Sandy.

She doesn't say much, does she?

And isn't she a bit old for you, and tall?

Well, I like her, OK?

-What is wrong with you?

-I've twigged why she creeps me out.

I knew her brother at school.

I'm really sorry, I've forgotten my lunch money!

Mum said I'd lose my head if it wasn't attached to my neck, and...

Shut it, you worm!

Now, hand it over, or you're in the bin!

Any questions?

Yeah. Why have you got a dead caterpillar on your top lip?

I'll just get in the bin now, shall I?

Yep. OK.

He was really horrible. He had this moustache like a bog brush.

-Yeah, and?

-And he was a right bully!

That doesn't make Sandy one.

Yeah, you can't tar her with the same bog brush.

Yeah, but she's just like him. Dead behind the eyes like a shark.

Take it easy! So, you had a bad time with her brother.

-Yeah, if that was her brother.

-He is.

And that's making you see the worst in her, but it's not her fault.

Yeah. If Dracula had a younger sister,

that wouldn't necessarily make her a neck-muncher.

-I think you should say sorry to Ben.

-DANI SIGHS

-Cup of tea?

-Oh, yeah.

PHONE BEEPS

Aaaah!

Aaagh!

Flashing eyes are a nice touch.

Ruby, you ruined everything!

Sorry, but I didn't expect Voldemort to pop out the mug cupboard!

It would have scared you, admit it.

Nope! You're going to have to do a lot better than that.

OK, I give up. Do you want a biscuit?

Look, I know every trick in the book.

For instance, whatever's in that biscuit tin, it ain't biscuits.

Oh, my apologies.

Mmm, delicious.

Aaah!

Hi.

-Look, I'm sorry if I've been a bit off about Mandy.

-Sandy!

Yeah, Sandy, sorry.

But, I feel like your big sister, and I should look out for you more.

I'm a man of the world. I don't need looking after.

Yeah, if that world was Pluto.

So, what do you think of her, anyway? Isn't she ace?

Well, Ruby said that you didn't even know her before she asked you out.

How would I know her? She's a girl!

Don't take this the wrong way.

I'm just a bit worried it's not just your great looks

and brilliant dress sense that's attracting her.

Well, what else could it be?

-Oh, my charisma!

-I just don't want her taking advantage of you.

Ben, I knew her brother at school. He used to bin me at break time!

You're just jealous! Sandy's the best thing that ever happened to me,

including when Brian Cox signed my helium atom.

-Look, she'll have everything off you.

-Max was right.

-You're the worst big sister ever!

-I'm just trying to look out for you!

I can still see his moth-eaten moustache!

Leave us alone! I don't want you anywhere near her!

DOORBELL RINGS

-Oh, hiya!

-Hi. Is Ben in?

-Yeah, sure.

-He'll be down in a sec.

Just enough time to have a nice girly chat.

-So, have you got an older brother about my age?

-Yeah.

-Went to your school?

-Yeah.

Has a moustache like a plucked eyebrow?

-That's him. You know him?

-Er, no.

Wait, I do know you from somewhere.

No, I don't think so.

You're in that McHurties, aren't you?

Oh, yeah, that's me. Guilty as charged!

Right. That show's rubbish.

So, tell me about you and Ben. When did you first meet?

Well, I saw him and his little nerdy friends, and I thought,

"Oh, he could use someone like me to lighten up his little life."

So you asked him and he said yes?

Said yes? He nearly bit my arm off.

So, what do you actually like about Ben?

He's loyal, dependable.

Always pleased to see me.

What, like a pet dog?

Yeah. I mean, no. I mean...

-Oh, hi, Ben.

-Hi, Sandy.

-I was just having a chat with Dani.

She's really busy, she's got loads to do, haven't you?

No, I've done it all.

I brought over my maths, chemistry, and my history.

-Hang on a minute. Why?

-I said I'd help with her homework, that's why.

Now if you don't mind?

Ahem!

MACHINE: 'You have arrived at bathroom.'

No! Stupid thing!

Does this look like the bathroom to you? Where's the sink? The bath?

The bath toy with the freaky monster head?

Wow, Franken-duck!

Maisy left it in the loo to scare you, but she got me instead,

so I want you to lose this silly bet.

No way! My reputation's on the line here.

You've really got that much self-esteem invested

in being no-scare King?

Yeah. I'm going to win easy. She's rubbish at scaring.

-She's a little girl.

-Why do you care, anyway?

Because she keeps scaring me! Just lose the bet, all right?

Sorry, but no can do.

Well, you leave me no choice.

Aaaah, Maisy!

Ha-ha-ha!

You've got a good eye!

When a dung beetle gets its claws into one like that, it won't let go.

Mmm, who does that remind me of?

Sometimes, another dung beetle will try and steal it off them.

Mmm, who does that remind you... Ow!

Look at this. My baby.

That's a caterpillar, by the way.

Not something that's just crawled off your brother's face.

-Dani!

-OK, OK.

-It's a really awesome game.

-I know!

So, you're borrowing his games console, now, are you?

Trust me, you'll never see that again.

SANDY CRIES

Actually, she was giving it back.

Sandy! Sandy! Wait!

-You happy now?

-You're unbelievable.

Just because she might be related to someone who teased you years ago!

He didn't tease me. He made my life a living nightmare.

And you can't see what's in front of you.

I don't think we're the ones with the problem seeing.

And I'm not sure it's Sandy who's being the bully here.

Maybe they're right. I'm being unfair.

Should at least give her a chance.

Dani's got it all wrong. Sandy's a bit too shy, if anything.

She needs some of this.

That's better. What was I saying?

Ah! I'm brilliant.

And I hate bullying!

Don't you think you've had enough of that?

If I want your opinion, I'll ask for it!

When I'm President of the universe, I shall ban bullying.

If there were no more bullies,

where would you find judges for TV talent shows?

You really are insignificant, aren't you?

Well, at least I'm modest.

Well, you've got a lot to be modest about.

-But...

-Quiet!

Time to get back to Dani's House,

the only thing that's as brilliant as I am!

Sandy, look. I'm sorry if I upset you.

Yeah, you shouldn't upset me.

-Wouldn't want to wind up in a bin again.

-What?

I called my brother. He remembers you.

So why don't you leave me and Ben alone?

I was right. You are a bully.

I'm so much cleverer than that.

Bullying is so last year, but in your case, I could make an exception.

-Sandy, is Dani bothering you?

-Be a good girl, eh?

Oh! Flashbacks to break time!

Hello?

OK, if you want to scare Jack, you have to get serious. Think!

Zombies!

He's seen over 99 zombie movies.

Ghouls.

His bedside lamp's a ghoul, so zero chance.

Werewolves.

Yawn! Think outside the box.

Hmmm.

A coffin filled with huge lizards.

Instead of scales, think fur.

Instead of big, think small.

Instead of scary, think cute.

A bunny!

A bunny?

Vampire bunny.

Professor Van Helsing! An unspeakable evil stalks our land!

Fetch my stake here! Once again, the Prince of the Undead is risen!

Oh, no. It's not him!

I see.

The bride of Dracula, luring the unwary to their doom!

It's not them, either!

The deadly vampire bats, then.

Scourge of the skies!

Worse! It's, it's...

a bunny!

For goodness' sakes!

Honestly! They ate all my lettuces.

-What if they turn into vampires, too?

-Vampire lettuces?

It could make for a very nasty salad.

Get out!

Oh, don't open the door!

I'm not! The window will be good enough for you.

Oh! Aaaah! Aaaaargh!

Ow! Aaah! Aaaaah!

I did try to warn you!

I don't believe it! She's got loads of other boyfriends!

That's not normal! Is it?

No, that's just greedy.

"Harry. Likes car racing. Pet called Lewis Hamsterton."

Harry's in my class!

What does she say about me?

No, Ben, don't!

"Ben. Beetle poo collection. Favourite letter M. Pushover."

Pushover?

Oh, I'm sorry, Ben. It's a scam.

-It's a lot less hassle than binning someone.

-She's binned my heart!

Oh, Ben!

And I'm sorry, Dani, we were so hard on you. You were right about her.

Mm-hmm. Next time you're being unreasonable, I'm on your side.

Thanks, Jack.

-So, what do I do now?

-Give her the boot!

I don't want to hurt her feelings. I've never split up with anyone.

This is where we come in. Between us, we've got a lot of experience.

Tragically, she's right.

Just say something like, "Sandy, it's not you, it's me."

Or, "Can't we just be friends?"

-I've heard that one a few times.

-Mm-hmm.

Or, "From the waist down, I have the body of a fish."

Yeah, I've never heard that one.

And remember, stick to your guns,

even if she turns on the old waterworks.

Some people will say or do anything.

Even threaten to hold their breath till they turn blue.

-Wow, really?

-Mm-hmm. Didn't work, though. She still dumped me.

Oh, hiya, Benji. Just the two of us, eh? None of your nosy mates?

Erm, Sandy. I've got this problem.

Stuck on my homework? I thought you were a little brainbox.

No, it's not that.

Can we be just friends?

What are you talking about? We are.

No, I mean, with other people.

-It's not me, it's you.

-What is?

-I'm a fish from the waist down!

-Eh?

OK, I think we should split up, if that's OK.

Split up?

I'm sorry. It was nice of you to ask me out, and everything, but...

Stick to your guns!

One day we'll look back on this and laugh!

Listen, you little worm! No-one dumps me!

You have to respect my feelings.

What about my feelings? You've hurt them.

Time is a great healer.

I'm the best thing that happened to you!

That's a matter of opinion.

You've forced me into this. The breakfast torture.

That sounds bad, what is it?

You'll find out.

I am your worst nightmare come true!

Ha-ha-ha!

Oh, you're so cute!

-Oh, hello, little bunny!

-I hate you!

Don't get so stressed.

-Would it help if I stroked your ears?

-No!

I told you. I'm the king of not being scared.

You're the king of stupid!

Hang on, I'll get you a carrot to nibble.

What is that?

Isn't it obvious? A toast necklace.

It's to go with the sausage hat that Sandy made me wear

for trying to split up with her. It's her breakfast torture.

-Jack!

-Mmm?

Oh, sorry.

Don't worry, we'll help you, mate.

No. I don't need your help. This is my problem.

This has got to stop.

Oh, Ruby and I could do good cop, bad cop routine on her.

Good cop, bad cop? How does that work?

One of us threatens her,

and the other one pretends to be on her side.

Nice. So, what cop am I?

You can be the cop at the police station eating doughnuts.

Come on, Rubes.

I can do better than a boring old cop!

Oooh, doughnuts!

Sandy!

Sandy, Sandy, Sandy, Sandy, Sandy.

-Crisps?

-Sweetie?

-Cup of tea?

-Oooh, back rub?

Could you just give us a second?

Yeah, erm, I'm meant to be the good cop.

-Oh, sorry, I thought I was.

-It's OK.

OK, Sandy. We know what your game is. You're bullying Ben!

What are you talking about? I didn't touch him.

You gave him a toast necklace.

He did it himself. He's mad about toast.

Anyway, you've got no proof.

Ha! We've got this.

You stole my boyfriend book!

Mmm. And we're going to call every single one of them

and tell them everything.

How'd you like them apples?

OK, that's enough. Why don't you go and cool down?

Sandy, it doesn't have to be this way. I can call Ruby off.

-I just need one thing in return.

-Like what?

Split up with Ben and give him his stuff back.

OK, then.

Really? See, I knew you weren't so bad! Unlike your bumfluff brother.

Oh, it's OK, she's going to dump Ben.

Ah, super! You can have your book back, then.

Please tell me you didn't just do that.

I'm warning you, my friend knows karate.

-What are you doing? Get off me!

-Ow!

-Do something!

-You do something!

Losers!

KNOCKING AT DOOR

-Aaaah!

-Let us out!

Sandy, wait! What about your back rub?

-Well, she's cleverer than she looks.

-Unlike me!

Well, it's up to Jack now.

You never know, he might come up with something.

Hold it right there! I am SuperJack.

I stand up for the downtrodden everywhere.

Ha-ha-ha!

-Who are you meant to be?

-Oh, a superhero called SuperJack.

Oh, what's your superpower? Invincible stupidity?

Now what? We're all trapped.

Oh, hang on! Maisy's still out there! Maybe she can...

Hi. Am I late?

Great. Now Ben's on his own with girlfriendzilla.

Fan harder, nerd boy.

-Must I wear these bacon earrings?

-That's right.

Your big friends aren't here to help you now.

What have you done with them?

That's for me to know. Now go and make me my lunch.

Aaah!

And get rid of that nasty thing!

Jack, why don't you use your gadget? You know, the house-nav thing.

-Maybe it can nav us out of here.

-No chance. It's rubbish!

-It thinks every room's the bathroom.

-Well, it's worth a try.

-What have we got to lose?

-OK.

Living room.

-MACHINE:

-'Open closet door.

'In three metres, living room will be on your right.'

Brilliant(!)

Closet door locked.

'Recalculating route.

'Lift small trapdoor at rear of cupboard.'

That's the most ridiculous thing I have ever...

Guys. House-nav was right.

There is a trapdoor.

If this was a horror movie,

then this is when the scary music would kick in.

SCARY MUSIC

I'll explain the rest when you get here.

And can you call Toby, Martin and Mikey?

What are you doing?

I see I'm going to have to teach you a lesson.

-Where's the wheelie bin?

-Why? Do you have something to throw away?

Oh!

MACHINE: 'Squeeze for five metres

'through claustrophobic gap between walls.'

Er, guys, are we sure this is a good idea?

I mean, no offence, Jack,

but the House-nav's always been kind of, well, rubbish.

Sssh.

Don't listen to her, House-nav. Come on.

Only you can save us now.

Hope we make it in time to save Ben. She's going to eat him alive!

What about us? One day they'll find our bleached bones in this wall!

MACHINE: 'Now drop down into old ventilation shaft full of spiders.'

Hey, nerd boy, where's my lunch?

Hi. Sorry to keep you waiting.

What do you think you're doing? Take that thing off. It's really creepy.

Hi, sorry to keep you waiting.

-What?

-Sorry to keep you waiting.

OK, very funny. Which one of you is Ben?

-I'm Ben.

-Me too.

-I'm going to get all of you.

You won't be so brave when it's just me, you and a cold slushie.

ALL: We're all your boyfriends, and we're reporting you to the teacher.

You don't have any proof!

OK, where's the real one?

Aaah! Aaaah!

-FLOORBOARDS CREAK

-Aaaah!

-BANGING

-Aaaah!

I don't like it!

Er, guys, I think we've been here before.

Yeah, we passed that family of mice 10 minutes ago.

Aaaah!

Sorry, just trying to scare Jack.

Yeah, nice try, pipsqueak.

You're going to have to try harder than that.

Stupid, stupid, stupid machine!

This isn't the living room! It's a dead-end.

You're not just rubbish, you're completely rubbish!

Now we're stuck in here. Right, you're getting it!

GRUNTING AND BANGING

MACHINE: 'You have reached your destination.'

-Ben, are you all right?

-Where's Sandy?

-Did she do awful things to you?

-She's gone.

I don't think she'll be bothering any of us again.

-How did you do it? Did you get help?

-No, it was just me.

But there were lots of me.

I'm sorry for what I said about you being the worst big sister, Dani.

-I'm glad you're looking out for me. Thanks.

-Oh, that's OK.

Hope you're not too sad about your ex-bullyfriend.

Nah. I'm sure, one day, I'll find someone nice to go out with.

So, tell us again, what was her brother's moustache like?

Oh, honestly, it was vile.

All droopy and furry, as if it was about to crawl off by itself.

Aaah, the moustache! It's come for me!

Yes!

You scared the king of not being scared!

Hey, is that my caterpillar?

Oh, come here, my baby. It's OK.

I don't believe it.

Supershakes, here I come!

-Cheers.

-ALL: Cheers.

Oh! Another enjoyable episode!

I wouldn't like to meet that vampire bunny in a dark spaceship, though.

I'm off to a ball with the Prince of the universe!

And I want this place to be tidy by the time I...

By the time I...

What am I doing?

I can't dance. And what am I going to say to His Highness?

"Warning. Overuse of ray can lead to massive loss of confidence,

"and, where applicable, mandible malfunction."

Oh, dear.

I'm utterly worthless.

Oh, no you're not.

Well, not utterly.

Here, take this.

Give me that dress! I'm off to the ball!

I hope the Prince can keep up with my stunning dance moves!

CRASH!

-You all right?

-Ow!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd