Freewheelin' Dani's House

SLURP!

New directive from on high. All coordinators to get in shape.

But we're already in shape! Pear-shape.

BEEPING AND WHIRRING

-Ohhhh.

-They sent us these.

They're called dumbbells.

I can't hear them ringing.

-That's not the idea. You're meant to lift them up.

-Why?

All right, then. Mmmrh!

SHE STRAINS Well, this one must be welded down.

Don't be ridiculous. Let me try.

No, I suppose you're right, actually.

-Shall we try one of the smaller ones to start?

-Good idea.

Oh, don't just stand there! Help me!

Ah! A-a-ah!

Ya-a-ay! We did it. We got fit!

And now we can sit and watch Dani's House!

What? Wa-a-a-ah!

Hey, guys! My name's Dani, and this...

..is her best friend Jack!

Thanks. My name's Dani, and this...

..is her brother Max!

And his best friend, Ben!

As I was saying, my name's Dani, and this...

..is her friend, Ruby!

And I'm her sister, Maisy.

And I'm Dani, and this is the brilliant...

ALL SPEAK AT ONCE

WHISTLE SCREECHES

It's just so tough being a doctor sometimes.

I know! I'll be more help once I've got over this mystery illness

that's put me in this wheelchair.

That's just it! There's no easy way of saying this.

You may never walk again.

I'm sure you'd like a moment alone. Also, I'm late for golf.

He doesn't even know that I love him. How can I tell him now?

Cut.

Hey, guys! I have got this meaty new storyline. Mystery Illness.

I'm going to have everyone in floods of tears.

I'm on wheels! My life is over!

I'll have to get a job as a...supermarket trolley!

-Catch you later.

-Err, excuse me.

I hope you're not making fun out of people in wheelchairs,

and I'd prefer it if you didn't ride in mine.

I know it's tempting, but...

I am so sorry. I didn't realise...

No, it's OK. Honestly.

-So, what do you do?

-I'm the new runner.

-Oh.

Or I guess, technically, a wheeler.

-Aww, this tea is terrible!

-And I make the tea.

-I'm Fern.

-Dani.

So am I really that terrible? I mean, with the wheelchair acting?

No! Well, a bit.

Oh, I feel like an idiot. Have you got any pointers?

You just need some practice. Why not take it home for the weekend?

-It's a thought, I guess.

-And if you really want to know what it's like,

-don't let on you're faking.

-You mean lie?

Think of it as going undercover.

-I bet you'll be surprised what you find.

-I don't know.

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were a serious actor.

No, it's OK. I'll do it.

Outstanding. Good luck, Agent Dani.

Mission Improbable. I'm sure Jack and Rubes'll be fine with it.

BOTH: A-a-a-a-a-agh!

-OK, OK, calm down.

-Dani, you're in a wheelchair!

-Top marks for observation.

-Oh, man, this is terrible!

How can you be so cool about this?

She's in denial. Right, what are the seven stages of grief?

Denial, rage, sloth, avarice, gluttony...

Aren't they the Seven Deadly Sins? Anyway, it's OK.

I'm just prac... I mean, this is just temporary.

-Oh, thank goodness.

-So, what happened?

-Well, it's not permanent.

-Right. That's what "temporary" means.

It happened at work. I fell off a...gurney.

You fell off a big ugly fish? Of all the rotten luck!

That's a gurnard, Jack.

Yeah, I broke all my toes. Freak accident.

They want me to use this for a few days as a precaution.

Oh, Dani, I'm so sorry. We'll look after you, won't we, Jack?

-Anything we can do for you now?

-Oh, well...

-I could murder a banana smoothie.

-On it!

And a head massage?

This is going to be a piece of cake!

Whoa, it's like Tutankhamen's tomb in here.

Yeah, if Tutankhamen wore superhero pants.

Completely untouched for thousands of years.

-More like a couple of months.

-Don't touch anything!

Max asked me to check and make sure his stuff was just like he left it.

It's like he left it, all right! Dried-on Sugar Pops.

The strongest glue known to man.

Look, it's Max's old laptop.

Hey, have you seen his video? It's got over a million hits

and still counting.

# Open for business, you don't want to miss this

# Be smart, don't be stupid

# And call me Cupid

# Break it down, now. #

Have you seen some of his fan sites? They're rabid!

-They even pay for his autograph.

-Too bad he didn't sign his pants.

Wait! You may have just had your first good idea ever!

Did I? What was it?

What if there were Max fan boys out there who want all this junk?

No. No way. I swore a sacred oath to Max

that I would look after his stuff

-and make sure no-one touched it.

-They might pay us money for it.

OK, let's do it.

SLURP!

If I'd known research was this easy, I'd have done it more often.

-They're waiting on me hand and wheel!

-Hey! How's Dani?

Fine. She's settled down in front of the telly.

-Cool. Lunch is nearly ready.

-Great. I expect she's hungry.

Er, hello! I'm not a hologram, I am actually in this room.

-No way! Last night?!

-Huh? What?

Oh!

SHOUTING: Jack was saying that Jeff, Jack's old mate, asked me out.

But she said no cos he's a plank.

Yeah, all right, I'm not deaf and I haven't lost 50 IQ points,

-just cos I'm in the chair!

-Sorry, mate.

Right. That was thoughtless of us.

-TV PLAYS

-Oh, I love this show.

Well, lunch should be ready by now.

-Err, excuse me! I was watching that!

-I know, but it's din-dins time.

It's like being in a rest home run by robots.

-Here...you...are. We hope you like the...

-Por...ridge.

For the 100th time, I hate porridge.

It's disgusting and slimy and it tastes of sick.

-We're glad you like the...

-Por...ridge. Have some more porridge.

-Would you like to watch...

-Antiques Auction?

I can't stand Antiques Auction.

Can't I watch Space Pirates Of Saturn?

-We're sorry. Space Pirates of Saturn is too...

-Exciting.

-Noisy.

-It would be better for you to watch Antiques Auction.

R-r-r-r-r-r! Malfunction! Malfunction! System error! R-r-r-r!

Time to watch Space Pirates Of Saturn. Ahh.

The biggest Max fan site on the web.

Crispy! Look at the prices fans are paying for posters and T-shirts.

Think how much more they're going to pay for genuine Max memorabilia.

Yeah, like this Super Soaker...

-SQUELCH!

-..filled with jam.

There's tons here.

Like a museum-full.

Now that really is genius. A museum of Max.

What? We sell his stuff to a museum?

No! We ARE the museum.

We charge fans loads to get in with all our Max stuff and exhibits.

You mean MY Max stuff. He is my cousin.

You were just about to flog it.

Fine! But I have to be the tour guide.

-Is it just me, or does Dani seem a little grumpy?

-I know what you mean.

-It's probably being in that chair.

-As long as it's not us.

Of course not. We're treating her like the same old Dani.

Oh, look what I found in the shop to cheer her up.

A nice hat. A shawl and some other little things.

Oh, she's going to love 'em. Wait a sec.

16p? That's got to be some kind of mistake, right?

-No, it's from a charity shop.

-Really?

I am coming. Sorry it's taking me like 19 years!

Hi! I couldn't resist, to see how you were getting on.

Oh, I'm doing great. How did you get here?

Oh, I rolled all the way from my house. Lucky it's downhill.

Really?

-No. I came in my car.

-You've got a car? Wicked!

-Do you mind me asking what happened to you?

-No, it's OK.

I was swimming off Bondi Beach, and this little girl fell off a pedalo.

And that's when I heard someone shout, "Shark!"

Whoa!

And then I saw this giant fin getting closer and closer,

so of course I swam over and I lifted the little girl up

and her dad grabbed her, and he tried to pull me out, but...

Wow, that really happened?

No, I just made it all up now!

Urgh!

No, I was running after my mate, and when I wasn't looking,

I got hit by a van. It was my fault.

-That's awful. You had me going, though.

-Sorry. I couldn't resist.

Anyway, how are your friends coping with you being in a wheelchair?

Well, not too bad, I guess.

I'm totally there for Dani.

She'd do the same if it was me who was helpless.

So, were you there when Dani had her accident?

-Umm, yeah.

-Really? How did it happen?

Oh, i-i-it was terrible.

So terrible I've kind of blotted it out of my mind.

How have I never been to a charity shop before?

The vintage one, it's wicked! Can you believe this suit was only 50p?

-Yeah.

-Not a problem.

Actually, I think you were overcharged.

-Jack, meet Fern.

-Oh, hi, Fern.

You guys have seriously got to come see this shop.

I adore vintage clothes, but the access in that place is terrible.

I can go for you, if you like?

That's OK, I'd rather see for myself. It's just so annoying.

It's like everything's designed to be difficult.

They're not like that on purpose. It's just the way things are.

Well, if we can't get our wheelchairs in,

-maybe you should boycott them till they sort it out?

-What?

Oh, yeah. I'll give that some thought.

Just after I have one last quick whizz around.

I'll come too. See if I can get them to take that suit back.

Sorry about Jack. He's not exactly Mr Tact.

It's OK. I'd rather people say what they were thinking anyway.

We need to teach him a lesson.

There's something I've always wanted to do, just for a laugh.

Here's one for you.

-Thank you. Right, go in, go.

-I'll take five!

-But there's only one of you.

-They're for souvenirs.

-OK.

Welcome to the Museum of Max.

This is the actual room where Max wrote the lyrics

for I Hate Breathing Air on the back of his dog.

-Max never had a dog.

-Oh, didn't he?

Well, here we have the cereal Max was eating

while he wrote Voodoo Goldfish.

ALL: Woo-oo!

Didn't Max write that song on a trip to the aquarium?

So, you're the Max-pert now?

Yeah, I'm president of the Max Fan Club.

Well, I've got one thing to say to you.

Er...welcome to our museum, Mr President.

-Check these out!

-ALL: Woo-oo-oo!

Now, Max's most-prized possession.

-A signed picture of me!

-ALL: Ooh-errr!

I taught him his best dance moves, like the backwards moonslider.

This is rubbish! He doesn't know anything about Max, or his pants!

We want our money back!

ALL: We want our money back!

Nice one, doofus!

Why is that charity shop not mobbed? I got all this for under ten quid.

Ten quid!

How I managed to finally get you out of there I'll never know!

-I'm dying for a cuppa.

-Tea? Oh, yes, please!

OK...weird. Dani? D'you want a cup of tea?

Got some! Bring a mug.

-Where are all the mugs?

-That's a little bit strange.

Oh! Who's nicked all the chairs? Urgh! Why's the table so low?

A-agh! A fridge with no handle. My ultimate nightmare.

Check down low.

Have I got taller recently?

-Found them, then?

-Eventually!

-Take a seat.

-Eh?

-Is it just me or does this tea taste weird?

-I made it.

A-agh! A-agh, that's a bit of a menace.

-And this was on the door to the loo.

-"Disabled toilet only"?!

-It's OK. You can use the one in the caff down the road.

-Oh!

What's going on? Why is everything so awkward?

But it's not like that on purpose.

Yeah, it's just the way things are.

Yeah, OK. I get your point.

U-u-urgh! I'm sorry, but that is rank!

He really isn't Mr Tact!

I'm very tactful. I hardly ever tell you what a weed you are.

Wow!

Ha! Just getting into shape. Easy, really, when you know how.

-Fancy a lizard?

-Thanks very much.

-Ah-ha!

-Oops.

-How's it staying up there? Anti-gravity field?

No, string.

If I don't nail this storyline,

-I'm going to be a laughing stock on national telly.

-Relax.

Let's read the script. I'm sure the writers avoided any obvious cliches.

"Nurse Woodmagnet, I think you're really brave."

Ooh, next stunning line. "Poor you. How are you adjusting?"

Well, this is the lever for the footrest and this is the brake.

This is my new look. What do you think I should call it?

Err...how about, Shot By The Clothes Gun?

Ahh, that's not Fern's, is it?

-Jack, I think you're being a bit off with Fern.

-No, I really like her.

-Just not her tea.

-Still, you should be more sensitive.

Now, go see her and make nice.

Ooh, here's a juicy bit. You're on about this new paramedic you fancy.

Yeah?

"I know we just met, but he's so gorgeous!

"Be careful. I don't want you getting hurt.

"You mean how a mysterious illness has landed me in this chair?

"He needs time to get to know you.

"But I just want to grab his ears and...snog him!"

-Honestly, this dialogue!

-Who in their right mind would believe it?

Fern wants to grab me by the ears and snog me!

What?! Awww!

You're good at reading my part. I should watch out.

Oh, no! I couldn't do acting.

I'd like to be in front of the camera, though, like a presenter.

You'd be ace, but presenting what?

Well, not cooking, that's for sure.

Thanks for coming back. I'm Maisy. We just wanted feedback on how

we can make our Max-seum better.

-Well, you could get a new tour guide.

-Get a life.

We plan to replace him with earphones. Please, do go on.

Well, the pants, the cereal, the Super Soaker, it's all good.

I mean, when I think Max actually touched...

Oi, hands off! This stuff's ours.

Fine! But it's not enough, you need a killer exhibit.

You need therapy.

Wait! Erm...

-We've got a killer exhibit!

-What is it?

-It's Max's actual sister.

-No way!

-Way!

All I'm saying is next time you see her, just try...

Pull yourself together!

Hey, Fern. Erm...look, I'm sorry if I came across a little, like...

-..insensitive.

-It's not a problem.

-Good.

Oh, and another thing. No offence, but you're not really my type.

-Excuse me?

-Oh, I just didn't want to hurt your feelings.

In case you were going to ask me out.

I wasn't. What are you on about?

I heard you talking to Dani about me.

I only said you're not Mr Tact.

Understatement of the decade!

You don't want to hold me up by the ears and snog me, then?

-Jack!

-Oh, wait. I get it! We were reading Dani's script.

-Script!

-Yeah, for McHurties.

Ohh, no, no, no, no, I was talking about something else.

I'm going to go! Two seconds!

-Aww, he really hasn't got it yet, has he?

-No!

The Museum of Ma...

-So weird!

-It really is you! D'you mind if I take your picture?

Sure, why not?

The jewel of the crown, Max's actual sister.

She and Max built sandcastles in Skegness together in 2003.

-No, I think it was Cleethorpes, actually.

-No, Skeggie.

Well, I should know, so...

See? I told you it was, erm...Skegness.

I know everything about Max, and Max's sister.

-Look, I am Max's sister, you little twerp.

-You're so lucky.

Must be great to know a big star before they're famous.

When they first got their inspiration.

Wa-a-ah, ooh, a-a-ah!

-Woo-hoo!

-Stefani, darling.

I'm not called Stefani any more, Papa.

I've changed my name to Lady Gaga.

Lady Gaga?! That's ridiculous!

Well, I might as well change my name to Papa Razzi!

Stop playing around and do your homework!

You think you can just dance your way through life?!

It's not my fault I was born this way!

I'm calling your teacher. Where's your telephone?

Now, Mother, calm down.

Oh, but she makes me so cross! I just want to poke her face!

Mama, Papa, look. I did a drawing.

Ohh, that's great, sweetie. What is it?

It's an All-E-Hand-Row...sorry.

Yes!

Five-five!

It could go either way now.

I told you I knew more about Max's sister than you do.

Well, the quiz isn't over yet.

Final question. Max's favourite sandwich filling...

-Liver and chocolate spread!

-..is liver and chocolate spread.

-Oh.

-But what is Dani's?

-Oh!

You've already answered! It's Dani's turn!

Err...erm...cheese and...no! Egg mayo! Egg mayo!

Is right! Dani wins!

Yes! Ah-ha-ha-ha! In your face! I knew I knew more about me than you!

Ha-ha-ha! Do-do-do-do! What?

Oh, right. Nobody tell Jack and Ruby about this, OK?

Dani's having us on. I saw her walking around just now.

What?! After all the things we've done for her!

Her story has more holes in it than my old gym socks!

And she made us feel guilty. Ho-ho! It's time for some serious payback!

-Mmm-hmm.

-I say glue her to her chair!

Nah, glueing's too good for her. I've got a better idea.

Your new attitude is so inspiring.

Some people might think I'm being a pain in the neck.

Oww! But that's just how things change.

Exactly. That's what I was saying to my friend who writes

for Personal Trainer Monthly.

Using a wheelchair doesn't mean you've lost IQ points

or that you're helpless, or that you're really brave.

-It's just a way of getting around.

-Exactly.

-Good! So, you'll do the interview?

-Err, what interview?

With my friend. Spread the word.

But you said you told him, so...

Oh, but it'll mean so much more coming from you.

-I'll bring him over tomorrow.

-Err...

This museum idea of mine was pure genius.

I'm so glad I came up with it.

Don't think we can do it any more.

W-W-What? Why?

We got sent this. A cease-and-desist order from Max's lawyers.

If we keep on using Max's name, they're going to take action!

Well, what's the worst they can do?

Ban us from going to a Max gig. Ban us from going to any gig.

Take all our worldly goods away. Take all our friends' worldly goods.

Take all our parents' worldly goods and forbid us

from using words containing the letters M, A and X.

-Wow! That would make me Egboyd!

-And me Isy!

-Megaboyd doesn't back down from anything!

-But what about this?

Let's make it secret.

It could be the world's first underground museum.

Aw, typical!

-PHONE RINGS

-Hello?

Hey, Dani! My reporter friend can't make it tomorrow.

-Can he interview you now?

-What? No, no, no, hang on...

Great! See you in a minute!

-Where's the wheelchair?

-Dani, is that you?

Ohh! Hi, I'm Dani's friend Pam. Dani's busy, but I can help.

-Hi, Dani!

-OK, I am Dani, but I'm another Dani.

Oh, better get in your fake wheelchair.

What if Jack or Ruby come in?

This is really embarrassing. The thing is, I'm not in a wheelchair.

I was doing some research for an acting role

-and got a bit carried away. I'm a total fake.

-Got it. Say cheese.

-Hello, Dani.

-Ruby? Jack! You two set me up!

Guess this makes us quits then, you big faker!

Sorry. I was going to tell you...

When? After we'd worked our fingers to the bone serving you?

Look, I'm the first one to hold my hands up

and admit that... this was all Fern's idea!

-DOORBELL RINGS

-I'll get it.

I just got a bit carried away.

Hey, Jack.

Ahhh. Hello, "Fern", if that is your real name! Very good. Hoo-hoo!

You and Dani almost had us fooled.

Oh, you found out about our little scam, then?

Yep, so, you can get up now.

Excuse me?

-Come on. Fun's over.

-Erm...

-Ahh, so you want to do this the hard way?

No, wait. Jack, what are you doing? Stop it!

Fern's so convincing. Is she an actress on McHurties or something?

-No, she wants to be a presenter.

-Oh, like one of those pranking shows.

I completely believed she was disabled.

What d'you mean? She is disabled.

Oh! Right. Hope Jack knows.

-Jack! Fern's not pretending!

-I know!

-She really will make me eat this mop!

-What are you like?!

You're lucky I'm a softie.

Oh, I see you lasted a day, then!

-I hope you learned something.

-Yeah, definitely. And I've had an idea.

We're going to go and have a chat with my producer.

-Welcome to the Museum of Max.

-Why are you whispering?

-Shhhh!

We decided to keep our museum very exclusive.

-Why are we in this mouldy cellar?

-For security.

-These exhibits are priceless.

-This here is actually Max's old laptop.

-Ohhhh!

-Ah-ha!

-A-a-a-agh!

-Max! We're not worthy!

Get up, you geek! Stop them!

Touch Max and I jam you!

This is an unauthorised rogue museum, and I'm shutting it down.

Sorry, Max, I didn't know.

You two are banned from the Max Fan Club forever.

-Well, boo hoo(!)

-So long, peasants! Max out!

-Ours I think!

-Now the museum's shut, what about selling Max's stuff to me?

-Never! Max entrusted me with this stuff.

-I'll give you 1,000 quid.

-What?!

-OK, 2,000. But that's my final offer.

We'll bag it for you, sir.

You said you hadn't found a new TV chef.

No. But her...she makes the tea.

And you'd never have to drink it again.

Mmm...that's tempting. Well, what have I got to lose?

Just being in the chair won't cut it. She has to be fab!

OK, I've got some good news and some bad news.

-I've just got you a trial as a presenter.

-Brilliant!

What was the bad news?

Hello, and welcome to Meals On Wheels.

And believe me when I say we're going to be learning together.

OK, let's get started. Has anybody seen one of these before?

So how's it going for Fern?

It's been amazing. People have been ringing in all week.

-To say they like her?

-To give her cooking tips. They love it!

There's a TV chef that knows even less about cooking than they do.

Only Fern could pull that off.

-Ooh!

-Where is it?

Dani, Dani, there were some bags by the door with Max's stuff in.

-They're super, mega important.

-Oh, that junk?

Someone from the charity shop came round asking for jumble

-so I gave it to them.

-What?!

-DOORBELL RINGS

-Please, no, say you didn't.

The president of the fan club was going to give us two grand for that!

Ah-ha, there you are! It's amazing what you can find in charity shops.

I got all this lot for 49p.

BOTH: No-o-o-o-o-o!

-Another ingenious episode!

-Shall we get on with this, then?

OK. Brilliant idea, sending a photo in to prove we've gotten in shape.

Mwah! Mwah! I love my guns!

Come on! Hurry up! The timer's running. Quick!

Oh, come on! Please!

AIR HISSES

BOTH: Oh, no. A-a-a-agh!

# Sometimes I feel like breaking free

# Let's lift these chains Let's rock these waves

# Right out to sea

# I will be breaking free. #