Alien Examination Dani's House

There.

Our entire collection of Dani's House stored neatly away.

The post arrived! I swear, it gets later every day.

We're 90,812 light years away from home.

I'm amazed we get post at all.

Bill. Bill. Bi...

Ooh! Free tentacle softener.

That's a message from Galactic Control!

It says we're getting a visit from our new commanding officer.

What?! When?

Star date 14/48.peachnuggets/zebbeliboo.

That's today's date.

THEY SCREAM

It says we'll be expected to present our final exam answer.

What exam? What answer?

THEY SCREAM

DOOR RUMBLES

THEY SCREAM

Hey, guys. My name's Dani and this...

-Is my best friend, Jack.

-Thanks.

-My name's Dani and this...

-Is her brother, Max.

-And his best friend, Ben!

-As I was saying, my name's Dani and this...

-Is her friend, Ruby.

-And I'm her sister, Maisy.

-And I'm Dani, and this is the brilliant...

-Our house.

THEY ALL SPEAK AT ONCE

WHISTLE BLOWS

THEY LAUGH

Why didn't you teleport in like normal people?

Your teleport buffer is set to "outgoing calls only".

That is a direct breach of galactic regulation 4720 Alpha.

The damage to the airlock door will be coming out your pay.

-Um, sorry... Who are you, exactly?

-Commander Zagro.

I am here to assess whether you are fit to continue as co-ordinators.

You two were sent to Earth to compile data about humanity.

As your final assessment,

we want you to briefly sum up all you have learned about humans.

And if we can't do that?

You will be exiled to the sixth moon of Yop-Yop-La.

What's the sixth moon of Yop-Yop-La?

The smelliest place in the entire galaxy.

The airs stink of unwashed Earth dog.

The seas reek of blocked drains, and TV reception's awful.

But that would mean... No more Dani's House!

Are you ready to make your presentation?

Um... Could we have a teeny, tiny bit longer?

LAUGHTER

I Shall return in one Earth hour.

Don't panic! Nobody panic!

Calm down, co-ordinator! Right...

I think we both know how to sum up what we've learned about the humans.

-Humans are good.

-Humans are bad.

-Humans are good!

-Humans are bad!

-Humans are good!

-We're not going to get anywhere like this.

We need a way to review everything that we've learnt.

-We've got an entire new collection of Dani's house.

-Mm.

Oh, we're bound to find the answer in this lot.

Let's start with this.

-Argh!

-Argh!

-So you're my babysitters?

-Think of us as your new best friends.

If you were my friends,

I wouldn't have asked Ben to glue your feet to the floor.

Hello, there.

-We're always up to something.

-Max, come back here!

LAUGHTER

When Dani or one of her unsuspecting friends walks through that door,

the bucket will fall,

tip upside-down as it dangles from the strap and voila.

They'll be drenched in vanilla custard.

-You're a genius.

-All we have to do

is sit back, relax and enjoy the show.

-I'll get the snacks.

-No!

LAUGHTER

Wow! That worked really well.

-Freeze!

-These can freeze people? Awesome!

-Fire!

THEY SQUEAL

-Stop it.

-You can't go to the party.

A couple of squirts won't stop me.

I'm not talking about the water pistols.

THEY LAUGH

One of these sweets is delicious.

The other is laced with so much chilli,

only dogs will hear you scream.

LAUGHTER

The question is, which sweet is which?

The test ends when you decide and we both eat.

The chilli sweet can't be the one in front of you,

because that would be too obvious.

Good.

-So it's probably the sweet in front of me.

-Mm-hm.

Which means I should pick the sweet in front of you.

Far out! What is that?!

LAUGHTER

-I don't see anything.

-Oh, my mistake. Let's eat.

Ah! Ah! Ooh...

Ah, ah!

No good, it's a dribble glass!

Quick. Eat this one - it'll help mask the flavour.

DOGS BARK AND YELP

As you see, both sweets were chilli flavoured.

Ow, my tongue! Ow, my tongue!

You forgot lesson number one - trust no-one.

LAUGHTER

We'll become evil, Ben.

We'll become so evil,

we'll make lambs cry just by dreaming about them.

Maxi-man and Ben-tastic have gone forever.

Say hello to...

Maximum Destruction!

And Fluffy Bunny Boy!

Ben, we agreed, you're Benergiser.

-Do it again.

-Fine. Sorry.

And Benergiser!

THEY CACKLE MANIACALLY

-Do you want a cup of tea?

-Yeah, sure.

I told you humans were bad. They steal, they lie,

they play horrible tricks on their own friends.

Well, of course you're going to think that

if you're looking at clips of Max and Ben, and... Wait.

Max and Ben. What do they have in common?

They're both incredibly ugly.

Yes, but they're also human males.

Oh. The humans all look alike to me.

How can you tell the difference between boys and girls?

Oh, um... SHE WHISPERS

Urgh! That's disgusting.

Well, they must have other differences.

Let's find out.

See if the girls are any better.

SHE SCREAMS

Let's try and focus on the emotion fear, shall we?

Dani, will you take my hand?

THEY SCREAM My hand! What did you do?

Nothing! I just touched it.

I think I'm going to pass out.

Jane! Jane!

Sam's hand's fallen off, call an ambulance!

It's all right, I'll call an ambulance!

-How do you make calls on this thing!

-Dani, wait.

I was just helping you to explore the emotion fear. See?

'Subject D has demonstrated

'that humans can quickly switch between emotional states.'

-Sam, who's subject D?

-Nobody.

-My mum?

-It's me, isn't it? I'm subject D.

Ooh, you can't glue me to this chair. I have rights.

-I want my lawyer.

-You're not being arrested.

Just need to keep you here long enough to learn the duet.

-OK, but can I do the opening?

-You'll never learn it in time.

Just because you were born before me doesn't make you the boss of me.

-Actually, it does.

-You're the worst sister in the world.

No, I think you'll find YOU are.

-Am not.

-Are too.

-Am not, am not!

-Are too, are too! OK, stop!

Dinner is served.

Thank you.

So, what's this?

It's a seared fillet of peacock with a pomegranate jelly.

-It's what celebrities eat.

-Great!

I can't wait to try the food you like.

LAUGHTER

It's lovely, Dani.

Do you have the stomach for this fight, soldier?

Yeah, but... I just don't understand why all this guff is necessary.

You're talking almost like you want the hiccups to win!

-Is that what you want?

-Well? Is it?

-Answer us!

-No!

-"No" what?

-Mum?

-HE HICCUPS

Let's roll.

Do you want to win or not?

-Argh!

-Urgh!

THEY SCREAM

TRAIN HORN BLARES

Sorry, did you say something there?

I just keep lying to people, Ruby. I've tried to stop...

-SHE STARTS CRYING

-..but I can't!

I'm such a terrible little sister.

Aw, I'm sorry, Maisy. Would it help to talk about your problems?

It might, but first I'm going to go and check on Max.

What?!

Don't bother chasing after me.

I've tied your shoelaces together.

Hey!

I hate the fact that Sam thinks her science project

is the most important thing in the world.

I also hate the fact that you stand with your head

resting on your shoulder. It looks really sappy.

I do not do that.

LAUGHTER

I haven't finished yet!

-Give me that!

-Get...off!

-Ooh!

-GLASS SHATTERS

Aw! Aw...

Ah!

In YOUR face!

THEY CACKLE

-ROBOTIC:

-Malfunction!

-Malfunctioning!

System error!

Well, all that proves is that boys and girls

are different in some ways but the same in others.

There must be some common thread that links all humans together.

We need to come up with something fast or we're going to spend

the rest of forever on a moon that stinks of damp underpants.

What else do we know about the humans?

Ow. Um, some are smaller and some are taller.

They start out small, like Max and Maisy,

and they get bigger as time goes on.

Ooh! Well, let's see if the older ones

are better behaved than the younger ones.

You must be thingy.

-Brandon.

-Whatever.

Sergeant-Major Rodney Treeboys, retired. Very pleased to meet you.

Ow! I need that hand. That's the hand I use to hold my... You know.

-Guitar?

-Hair straighteners.

LAUGHTER

Is that black nail varnish, son?

Or did you slam your hand in a drawer?

Look. No offence, old man, but we're kind of busy,

so if you wouldn't mind just scooting along...?

TUNELESSLY: # Ah, a-a-h! #

No! Ooh!

-Which one of you is responsible for this outrage?

-That'd be me.

How dare you interrupt my singing?

-Sounded like you'd swallowed a sack of kittens.

-Do you know who I am?

I'm Brandon Noir, king of the emos.

I don't care if you are king of the ostriches,

you just stay well clear of my granddaughter, right?

HE CACKLES EVILLY

THEY SCREAM

I am Vladimir Druisilla, your dance teacher.

LIGHTNING CRACKLES

Stop. Stop!

It is like watching stray cat fighting with pigeon.

-Where is your rhythm? Your poise?

-Same place as your manners.

To dance, you must embrace both the light...and the shadows.

MUSIC: "La Cumparsita" by Gerardo Matos Rodriguez

HE HUMS TO HIMSELF

I learnt to dance as a boy around campfire

when trousers caught alight.

LAUGHTER

You will dance like your trousers are ablaze!

-If I have to.

-Go. Your legs are burning!

Go, hear the symphony of the night!

Yes, yes!

-Ah!

-No.

I'm Guy Flannel.

If you've got it, I'll spot it.

Wow. It's actually you.

Yeah...

I get the same feeling when I look at myself in the mirror.

-Fluff, fluffity, fluff-fluff.

-I thought you liked my demo?

Well, you've got a great voice and some good songs.

But no-one's going to buy a book if there's sick all over the cover.

You're actually comparing me to vomit?

Fluff, fluffity, fluff-fluff.

I need your CD.

LAUGHTER

-Oh, whoops.

-What did you do that for?!

If we get through this meeting, I'll split everything with you, 30/70.

-50/50.

-No, 35/65.

-20/80.

-42/58.

-40/60.

-24/7. 7/11. 12 numberty noo-na!

-Deal!

-What's my present?

-It's what you have always wanted.

-You didn't!

-I did! I bought you an Xbox!

Oh, it isn't!

LAUGHTER

Eggs box. Eggs in a box?

SHE LAUGHS You've been pranked!

-I want every single one of these letters answered by tomorrow.

-Mm-hm.

Tomorrow!

Characters come and go, darling. Actors can easily be replaced.

You're fired.

-What do you mean I've been axed?

-Had a rethink, darling.

Decided to save some money and replace you with that.

You're fired. You are in big trouble, missy!

SHE ROARS IN ANGER

Here, we've made you a cake.

You're...fired?

Enjoy.

So all humans behave badly?

How are we supposed to sum up everything we know about humans

in one short sentence?

Maybe we're being too negative.

Maybe we need to look at the times

the humans did good things for one another.

Last night I dreamt I gave Dani a birthday present.

Not a joke one, a proper birthday present.

What a nightmare, Max.

It's the kittens. They've been sucking the badness out of me.

And I thought it was milk.

I keep trying to think of something diabolical,

but it's like my head is full of buttercups. And pixie music.

Now you, me and the kittens can watch this DVD

of Nature's 100 Prettiest Rainbows.

Max, please. Let's do something fun.

Why don't you plan something terrible to do to Dani?

I have responsibilities, now.

What would the kittens think?

-Now, Ben. What's wrong?

-My axolotl died.

Your what died?

-My axolotl, Aristotle.

-Your axo-what-what now?

Aristotle, my pet axolotl.

-Your pet axo-what-l?

-Lotl.

-Your pet axolotl?

-Aristotle.

-Died?

Aristotle, my pet axolotl, has expired.

Max, there are a ton of strangers at the door dressed in black.

Are you having a funeral for Ben's axo-thingy?

Dani, I think for once in my life I'm actually doing something...

..kind.

-I'm as weirded out as you are.

-Just don't wreck the house.

You're the best boyfriend ever.

Come here, you're going to get a kiss for that.

I bet you a scratch to my head she won't make it.

Bet you a scratch to my nose she does! Come on, Dani,

kiss him! Come on, you know you want to! Try harder than that!

I can't reach. Air kiss?

-Air kiss? Who wins that?

-Let's call it a draw.

Now, lean forward so I can reach your nose.

THEY MOAN

BOTH: Bliss!

The language of love is kissing.

-You want me to kiss a watermelon?

-Beth.

-Beth the watermelon?

Do you want to find out what it's like to love someone or not?

Yeah, but I don't want to find out what it's like to kiss a watermelon.

This is my girlfriend, Cas, I love her very much,

and I'm going to kiss her.

You must have really bad breath.

# Didn't know what love was

# Till I saw you

# You're better than a watermelon

# Or a canoe. #

-# Cupid's the name and love is my

-game

-# If I'm not in your song then you're doing it

-wrong

# You want chart position come see the love physician

# I got romantic rhymes Your lyrics are lies

# You won't get number one Without dropping the L-bomb

# Boom, boom, boom, boom! #

I'm really sorry I called you a geek.

I'm sorry for everything I said to you.

And Jack, I'm sorry. You're not dumb.

JACK MOANS

It's good to have my bestest friend back.

BOTH: Squeeeeeze!

I want to spell it out, I don't care about labels.

I'm your B-O-Y-F-R-I-E-D.

"Boyfried?"

N-D.

Can I have that hug now? Come on.

-Bye, guys.

-Bye, Sam.

Bye, then.

MUSIC: "Just The Way You Are" by Bruno Mars

Oh! Forgot my list! Got to run, bye!

Again? How many times has a person got to say goodbye?

You're my best friends.

# There's not a thing that I would change

# Cos you're amazing just the way you are. #

I'm more confused than ever by the humans.

They make no sense.

Maybe we're just not human enough to work it out for ourselves.

Face it, we're doomed.

If only we could pop down there and ask the humans for the answers.

Oh, no.

Well, it wouldn't be the first time we've asked for the humans' help.

Max, what's going on?

Greetings, earthlings!

Take us to your leader!

I've always wanted to say that.

We have come from across the stars to deliver a message.

Max, it's aliens!

Real life aliens! They've come to probe us.

They're not aliens, Ben.

I mean, look at their rubbish costumes.

You're a more convincing alien than these two losers.

"Tantu-bantu!"

Behold my funky disco, you alien scumbags.

-Help us, Jack.

-You're our only hope.

Aaaaagh!

I'm sorry I said "alien scumbags," just please don't probe me!

Earth's a pretty amazing place.

It's not perfect, but does it really deserve to be blown up?

Look, I guess I've just got a lot of pent-up rage.

I know. I know. Come on, let it all out.

Come on, let it out.

ALIEN SIGHS

I admit we couldn't have done it without Jack the last time,

but this requires brain power, and, well,

is Jack still the right man for the job?

Astronauts must endure extreme physical stress by solving

complex mental problems.

Whoa, whoa! Back up a minute, Buzz Lightyear.

-You're applying for a job at NASA?

-I most certainly am.

OK, back up a bit further. What's NASA?

The National Aeronautics And Space Administration.

Back up even more. What do any of those words mean?

-That's it, I'm changing my password.

-"Doughnut"?

Ah. I'm changing it again, then.

-"Doughnuts"?

-Again!

-"Ketchup"?

Are you psychic?

59,

60, 61,

62...

-Hi, Jack. Looking good.

-But he's standing on a...

Ow!

You're an inspiration to us all.

-I realised I can't let anything get in my way.

-Not even reality.

HE SCREAMS

That's disgusting.

-Jack, what is that?

-Hmm? What's what?

HE GIGGLES

What are you shouting about? Whoa!

Hold it right there! I am SuperJack!

Jack is still the best chance we have.

I'll go and prepare the teleporter.

Well, it's either this, or we'll never get to see Dani's House again.

# Who the baddest DJ? Jack the baddest DJ

# Who the baddest DJ? #

What's going on?

Greetings, earthling Jack.

It's tradition round about now for you to scream,

"Aaaagh! Aliens!"

-Aaaagh! Aliens!

-There it is!

-Use the remind-o-tron, co-ordinator.

-Use the what-what?

The remind-o-tron, Jack. You've seen it before.

Remind me.

Zang! Zark! How you doing?

Right, what is it this time?

Oh, don't tell me, Zorlok wants to blow up the earth again.

We need you to do one simple thing for us.

We need you to sum up the entirety of human experience

in one short, snappy soundbite.

-You want me to do what?

-Tell us what it's like to be a human being.

Ah, right. Can I use your loo first?

-Now's not really a good time.

-I do my best thinking in there.

Not now, he's here!

What is this hideous human puss-bag doing here?

Oi, oi! Easy on the "hideous".

Jack's our answer.

He's going to show you what it is to be a human being.

Wait a sec.

Jack, if you don't give Zagro an answer,

we're going to be exiled to the sixth moon of Yop-Yop-La!

-Where there's no Dani's House.

-Right. No pressure, then.

Well? Speak, human.

Human beings aren't that easy to sum up.

-We're different from one another. We're confusing.

-Told you.

Sometimes we say one thing, but we mean another.

Sometimes we hurt our friends.

Sometimes we fall in love with completely the wrong person.

You know, human beings are just so...

..complicated.

Now can I use the little boys' room? I'm actually bursting.

-Wait. That's it? That's your answer?

-Yeah.

Nothing about cellular composition? No mention of the genetic weaknesses?

Just some limp nonsense about love?

Zang, Zark, I have no choice but to fail you.

Oh! That is so not fair!

Also, I'm requesting a mandatory planetary destruction order.

Blow up the Earth? Again?

Why would you do such a thing?

Well, if this soppy being is the best humankind has to offer,

his planet deserves to be erased from the face of the universe.

-Guys, can I use your toilet now?

-Now's not really the time.

-Please? It's serious!

-Over there.

Not that button! That's the airlock!

SCREAMING

-Jack, you saved Zagro's life!

-You're a hero, Jack.

Wait a picosecond,

it was his stupid fault I nearly got sucked out there in the first place.

-Well, I could just as easily do it again.

-Stop!

What do you want from me?

Well, I want you to rip up that planetary destruction order,

and pass Zang and Zark.

-I'll take an A.

-I'll take an A plus.

Zang, Zark, I hereby award you

full co-ordinator status.

Congratulations.

THEY LAUGH

-So.

-We'd best be taking you home.

-Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on.

What, so you two get medals

and I just get sent back home with my memory eased?

I at least want to tell people back home about this.

Well, that would contravene with about 12 galactic laws, so...

-Goodbye, Jack!

-Bye!

Yeah. Bye, guys.

THEY LAUGH

-Never a dull day.

-Jack, I'm home!

Perfect timing. And I've still got my memories!

Preparing the amnesia ray.

Ready to wipe Jack's memory in three, two...

-Wait!

-What?

Well, instead of wiping his memory, why don't we replace it?

Replace it with what?

A little bit of this, a little bit of that, and, oh, maybe some of that.

I hope you know what you're doing.

Preparing false memory upload in three, two, one!

-So, how's your day been?

-Dani, you would not believe what happened.

I spend the entire day on a yacht in the south of France,

with Rihanna.

You've been in the south of France with Rihanna today?

She was my date for the World DJ Awards.

And guess who won the award

for Best DJ Ever In The History Of The Entire World?

-Me!

-It's been a really long day.

-And Jay-Z was there.

He was like, "Yo, Jack, man. You the man!" I was like, "Thank you, Jay."

Yeah, I'm going to come back when you've had a dose of reality.

It's true. It must be true, I remember it happening.

Dani! Dani, come back! Hey!

I haven't told you about when I got a ride in a Formula One car

and won the Monaco Grand Prix. Dani!

Whoa!

-Ah. Well, that could've worked better.

-Mmm.

On the plus side, we passed our exam, helped to save the world,

and we got to meet someone from our favourite TV show!

How are we going to top that?

-More Dani's House?

-Works for me!

# Sometimes I feel like breaking free

# Let's lift these chains

# Let's rock this wave right out to sea

# I will be breaking free. #