01/04/2013 Deadly 60 Bites

My name's Steve Backshall. Ooh!

And this is my search for the Deadly 60.

I'm sorry, Steve, didn't anyone tell you? This is Deadly Bloopers.

For many years now, Steve has been travelling the world, filming

wildlife. But things haven't always gone to plan, have they?

It's packed with muscle.

What made me think this would be a good idea?

From nosey animals to ropey river crossings, to swim shorts

not done up tightly enough.

These are the clips Steve may wish you hadn't seen.

That wasn't me. I didn't do that. Nobody saw it..

Yes, we did!

First up... Oh, dear ..slips and slides.

Wildlife presenting - how difficult can it be? It's just walking

and talking.

An animal coming down to the water to drink

may already be as good as dead.

It probably won't know about it till the second it gets attacked.

Even a huge croc can hide...

Yes, don't worry. Even a huge croc can't eat you when it's laughing.

I'm so glad we did that(!)

That was ALWAYS going to happen.

That was SO going to happen.

Never mind.

Putting up a hammock is simple for a jungle master like Steve.

Whoops, have another go.

Third time lucky?

Best stick to the inflatable bed, Steve.

How about that one?

So, hammocks are a "no" but getting off a horse that's as easy as...

getting off a horse.

So this branch has had the bark stripped right off it.

They're feeding on that,

just stripping it back, eating just this and discarding the rest.

Very close now.

Timber!

That wasn't me. I didn't do that.

That's the second time you've said that.

OK, Steve, watch out for that...

BANG

Argh, who put that wall there?

-Oh, and watch out for the...

-Argh!

..ground.

Argh!

That's what you call a crash-landing.

Ah, good shot, Steve...

Oh, maybe not...that's why they make you wear a helmet.

That's a bad start!

Oh, come on, Steve, it's only a little one..

Cut! I've been wanting to film this for the best part of a decade.

It's called the giant scolopendra.

It's the largest species of centipede

found on Earth and I've got myself trapped in a tree.

You could have got away with that, Steve, told us it was camouflage.

Anyway, back at the river.

Let's try that whole walking and talking thing again.

The key thing is to find a firm place to stand on.

Yeah, like not there.

Still, never mind, that's probably just a one-off...

Give it another go.

Right, let's just go... It's beautiful, Steve.

Hmm. Yep, I don't want to interfere, Steve

but maybe you should think about finding somewhere else...

That's the same rock.

Well, if you won't listen to my advice...

Are you sure you don't want to try somewhere else?

I bet the soundman agrees with me.

"Yes, it's true, I do. But he won't listen to you."

HE LAUGHS

Don't worry, Steve.

This footage where you look stupid won't be wasted.

We're going to use it for this programme.

Let's move onto something a little more daring.

We're about 20 metres above the water,

which is about average for a gannet's dive.

Looks quite high

and if I hit the water wrong from this height,

it's going to really, really hurt.

Better get it right.

So do we, Steve...but sometimes hope isn't quite enough.

Ow!

I might do another one of those.

Really? Are you sure?

It might be less painful just to see that same dive again.

Although not to your ego.

Ow!

Come on, Steve - time to show us your sledding skills.

DOGS BARK

Well, they seem to be OK when you're not moving.

OK, we're good, we're going, we're going.

Ah, yes, this is good. Very good.

Very bad. That was bad.

That falling over you just saw there...

Oh!

..was a whole training procedure for the dogs.

It was just for them.

It wasn't because I messed up, at all.

No, we believe you(!) How are the mighty fallen!

Of course, if you are a top presenter, you NEVER make mistakes.

What could possibly go wrong?

This is going to happen absolutely perfectly first time round.

You want to bet?

This time on Deadly 60, we're in the Philippines.

HE LAUGHS

This time on Deadly 60, we're in the Philippines.

HE LAUGHS

This time on Deadly 60...

Oh!

Am I supposed to be looking cool doing this?

Yes, and you are doing a really good job(!)

-We'll try that again, shall we?

-It's probably best.

Ooh, ooh!

It really is the most extraordinary-looking creature.

You start from the top...

That's the bottom, actually!

HE LAUGHS

Vela...vela...velodromes?

What was the word I was looking for?

Hmm, vocabulary(?)

Later on, when it starts to get snowy here

and there's no food at all, these birds'll... Birds?!

Pretty sure they're not birds.

No... Fairly certain that is a bear.

And their acceleration is faster than any...

FARTING NOISE

Have you ever found anacondas snorkelling before?

Sorry, what did you say, Steve?

Have you ever found anacondas snorkelling before?

-That's what I thought you said.

-D'oh!

THEY LAUGH

One of the biggest, one of the... Dah!

Mouse limas like Madame...

I can't believe I forgot the name of the animal...

Well, he didn't recognise a bear!

This is the high savannah of Namibia.

As far as the eye can see, it's dry, rugged wilderness,

and out there are all of Africa's bad boys. All of them!

Don't know what I'm talking about now!

All of Africa's bad boys are out there.

Bad boys of African wildlife.

All of Africa's bad boys.

Oh!

This is the high savannah of Namibia.

Ni-bi-bi-bibia.

As far as the eye can see, in every direction,

is endless miles of...endlessness.

This is going to go on forever!

-I do hope not. I'm going out tonight.

-This is the one right here.

Please. I've not been out for weeks!

This is the high savannah of Namibi...

HE LAUGHS

-I'm not laughing.

-This is the BAFTA award-winning presenter,

Steve Backshall.

Good.

Now Steve's mastered that, it's time for a far easier job(!)

He's going to deliver a piece to camera

while being dragged behind a boat.

You can see, as we start to build up speed,

automatically the water's pushing back against me,

and I'm really struggling to hold on.

I'm actually already losing my trunks!

Faster, make it go faster.

I don't think I tied them on quite strong enough.

Ah! Oh, dear!

-How fast now?

-6.8.

OK.

MAN SHOUTS

Ten miles-an-hour!

Argh!

Look at Steve's trunks!

I hope you can't see my bottom!

We wouldn't look anyway, Steve. We're taking this very seriously(!)

He's gone.

And so have his pants.

Anyway, back to Namibia.

Come on, Steve.

This is the high savannah of Namibia.

As far as the eye can see, in every direction,

are endless miles of rugged wilderness, stuffed full of animals.

And all of the bad boys of African wildlife.

And why couldn't you have done that the first time?

Sometimes, let's be honest, wildlife filming isn't that exciting.

Like when you're watching a giant tortoise that's gone camera shy.

SNORING

I'm not even sure that's an animal at all.

I think it might be a giant Cornish pasty.

It's more exciting when things are slippery.

So it's far from the monster we were hoping for

but it's still a pretty impressive fish.

This is...ooh, crikey!

It shouldn't actually do the wolffish much harm being

out of the water for a short period of time.

These are... It's a cylindrical fish that's packed with muscle.

HE LAUGHS

Right, well, let's see that again.

You say it's a wolffish, Steve?

Are you sure it isn't a flying one?

What made me think this would be a good idea?

Don't get the wrong idea - that is the only thing

that's ever slipped through Steve's fingers(!)

HE LAUGHS

From winged wonder to masked alien assassin.

Whoops.

It's like some kind of deadly alien boxer.

So impressive!

As long as I keep the snake moving

and there's a possibility it's still alive,

he'll keep stamping.

But the second I stop... he'll just keep on stamping.

You should have put your foot down, Steve.

Anyway, a nice bit of relaxation in the pool.

Tell you what, Steve,

that Jacuzzi needs a bit of a service.

That way. That way!

Go on, go that way! Ah!

Yeah.

I just think I'll sit over here for a sec.

So, the climbing, clambering, colour-morphing chameleon

in all his many forms.

With his lightning-fast tongue...

..and lousy shot.

Just like an England centre-forward.

Anyway, back at the tortoise.

Ah, it's all action(!)

That tortoise needs to loosen up a bit, come out of its shell.

SNORING

Ah, here Steve is trying to test his running against one

of the fastest animals on Earth, the cheetah. The problem is...

no-one's told the cheetah.

Hm, maybe the cheetah is trying to tire Steve out a bit

because he's worried that Steve might win.

No. I don't think so, either.

Of all the genuinely silly things I've done on this programme,

I think this has to be the worst.

Sorry, Steve, could you say that again?

Of all the genuinely silly things I've done on this programme,

I think this has to be the worst.

The thing is, I'm not sure that's true.

Do you not remember this?

Argh!

Or this?

Argh! Ooh!

How about when you did that?

HE MAKES ANIMAL NOISES

HE BARKS

HE MAKES BIRD CALL

Or this?

Argh!

Argh!

No, Steve, there's a whole host of silly things you seem

to have forgotten about.

MUSIC: "Misirlou" by Dick Dale

Argh!

HE LAUGHS

Argh!

Actually...

None of us could forget this.

Argh!

All that was just to get a plastic fish.

No. Racing a cheetah is, well...relatively normal.

You know, Steve, maybe

if you showed the animals a little more love, they might play ball.

Oh, that's better.

Oh, he's just too adorable for words!

Ah, I want one!

Did it hurt?

You don't want them getting too attached, though.

I've got two on my nipple!

Is that really necessary?

Come on, fella, let's go! Come on!

Yeah, yeah, he likes you!

Hey!

Hey, fella.

-Ah!

-Oh!

It's more than a love bite.

But he won't puncture the skin, I don't think.

That's encouraging(!)

This way, Steve, run!

Leaf-tailed geckos have a limited ability to change their skin colour.

And d'you know, Steve, the more you love them...

Not as fast

or as dramatic as chameleons but if they have a favoured tree.

..the more they will love you.

..they can make themselves match it even more.

Mostly. You never know.

Come on, go and find yourself a...

-girlfriend.

-HE LAUGHS

Argh!

HE LAUGHS

Don't get too cocky, though, Steve.

Those animals have another love interest.

It's quite hard to get it back.

Definitely made friends.

Ah... finally, true love.

While in Mexico looking for some bat-eating snakes,

Steve's language skills are put to the test.

What's the name of this place in Mexican?

La Cueva de las Serpientes Colgantes.

Oh, dear.

Fortunately he is a master of, er, the foreign lingo(!)

La Cueva...

de las Serpientes...

"de Colganes."

Colgantes.

Colgantes. Colgantes.

The locals call this cave...

HE LAUGHS

Shall we try just one more time, Steve? Listen carefully.

-La Cueva.

-La Cueva.

-De.

-De.

-Las.

-Las.

-Serpientes.

-Serpientes.

-Colgantes.

-Colgantes. OK.

Local people call...

HE LAUGHS

OK. Right, this is the one.

The locals call this cave La Cueva

de las Serpientes "de Colganes".

Or something like that. My Spanish isn't very good!

HE LAUGHS

Maybe your Spanish will be better on a boat.

MAN SPEAKS SPANISH

I don't have the heart to tell him

I don't understand what he's saying.

Or the Spanish to tell him I don't know what he's saying.

Any ideas?

Well, how about learning Spanish?

OK, let's try Portuguese.

He says, "Exactly 15 minutes, they'll be here."

HE LAUGHS

They're pretty precise here.

Are you sure? How many fingers was he holding up?

Ten.

Ten minutes, Steve, it's ten!

He says, "Exactly 15 minutes, they'll be here."

Well, with language skills like that, it's never going to be

difficult to get your point across(!)

So, you have...

-Kssh, ssh-shh?

-Yes.

-Can I see?

-Yes.

-Where is?

-Yes.

-You have...

-Yes. Yes.

-Can I see?

-Yes.

-Where is?

-Yes.

Kssh, ssh-shh?

Hm, this could take a while.

Do you agree? "Yes, yes."

Fortunately, everyone else on the show

is a true professional.

Everyone here's really struggling

to make sure we can film all this

and we are out looking for

one of the most dangerous predators in the world.

So it's really important we take things really, really seriously.

Yes, I see what you mean, absolutely(!)

MUSIC: "Do Your Thing" by Basement Jaxx

HE SNORES

HE MOUTHS

The hippos in the wild are a totally different animal.

To get close to them...

HE LAUGHS

-Steve, wait up!

-Steve, hold on!

Enough to pay them some respect, that's for sure.

And maybe they're a bit frightened of them.

But our next step...

Ha-ha-ha! Please tell me you were rolling!

PLEASE tell me you were rolling!

One of the most important things with wildlife watching

is to keep low, reduce your profile.

Never to stand on a ridge line creating a silhouette that's

really, really obvious for animals.

Oh, I think I know what's coming.

I'm sure they won't wave, though.

Hiya!

True professionals.

Whale!

You...

We're now about...

TEXT MESSAGE NOTIFICATION

Sorry! I'm sorry.

When we're ready, then, chaps.

Hm, travelling light, Steve?

Ah, I see.

He's so lazy. He could have helped.

But don't worry, they'll often find a way to get their own back.

Like here, Steve is doing a Deadly experiment.

It's a senses test

and he needs to find a cup of coffee using just smell.

The crew, well, they wouldn't let anything...happen to him.

What's good is that there's so much respect in my team.

Yeah, his mistake was leaving an obvious silhouette.

Now, one thing is always going to happen when you work with wildlife -

they just love to poo and wee on you, and Steve...

Well, he loves it happening.

Oh, you...

-SLOW:

-Oh, you...

-HE LAUGHS

-Phantom wee-er of the Philippines.

Over the years, the absolute bane of my life has been people complaining

about peregrines pooing on the ground while they're talking.

Thank you.

Come on, is he going to investigate? He's just sniffing around...

Oh, and he's having a wee on the camera. That's not good.

-Oh, no.

-This is what we expect in the forest.

-Was that fig or was that poo?

-No, it's fig.

-No, it wasn't.

I'm sorry, Ronald, but that is not fig.

That is chimp poo and that just clouted me right in the face.

Oh, come on, Steve. It probably had fig in it.

I've just had a bird poo on my head,

and in some parts of the world, it's considered good luck.

Unfortunately, round here it just means you smell bad.

I don't know if you can see this, but as she's moving...

can you see that, Johnny? Oh, look - she just pooed on my hand.

I just knelt in a really fresh piece of rhino poo. Yuck.

That is just craziness.

Oh!

I can't believe he just sat there.

That's the magic of the river at night.

And he also just pooed all down my front.

Yeah, well, I think that's worth seeing again.

That is just...

Ah, that's not a lousy shot.

Right, moving swiftly on.

When the crew headed to the jungles of Uganda

there was one animal they were hoping to find.

The mountain gorilla - a powerhouse of the natural world.

I can see the bushes moving just ahead of us.

I'm kind of shaking, half with excitement

and half with a little bit of trepidation.

But with a gorilla, you may well hear them before you see them.

GORILLA FARTS

Oh, did you hear that?

GORILLA FARTS

Honestly, Nick...

GORILLA FARTS

Oh, that would melt plastic.

Careful though, Steve -

this male doesn't appreciate you laughing at his ladies.

Well, if you thought that smell packed a punch...

(Wow.)

Yeah, that was quite a left hook.

I'm glad it didn't go a couple of inches to the right.

Useful lesson, kids. Never, ever laugh at a gorilla.

But it's not just wee and poo Steve has to deal with.

We all know that dogs bark, birds tweet and whales sing,

but apart from their rather repulsive spitting,

alpacas have a rather interesting way of communicating.

So how do they talk to each other?

Mm. He didn't like the tone of your question, Steve.

Oh... Has anyone got a hanky?

Oh...

Nice.

This one is apparently called Spitty.

Well, if you give an animal a name to live up to...

-Argh!

-HE LAUGHS

Oh!

Now, listen, fellas - hum along when you know the tune.

HE HUMS

HE LAUGHS

But really when it comes down to it, Steve just loves a bit of poo.

Don't you?

Well, there is only one animal that that can come from.

That is a big fat bear scat.

I can almost smell it now. Oh, look how fresh that is. Oh, yes.

Almost like a kind of slightly off pie.

I tell you what, Steve, I am never, ever eating at your house.

Yes.

Now, that is a big pile of poo,

and this here is still relatively fresh, actually.

And that's moose droppings there. That's not so fresh.

It's full of grass. It's more what you'd expect from an antelope.

I was going to say that.

Still quite sticky. Ooh, very strong smelling.

There are mountains of it.

A dropping that size has come out of a very large bottom.

Mm, yum yum.

Oh, that's pretty solid, actually.

The water below us is filled with fluorescent orange junk.

It's actually blue whale poo. It's incredible stuff.

Blue whale poo? That looks red to me.

-Oh, I see.

-You could almost use it as make-up.

Yeah, I'm not sure that's really going to take off.

Don't think I've ever been quite so excited about poo in my entire life.

In the end, though, there's nothing better than a good old Deadly Dance.

MUSIC: "Gangnam Style" by Psy

Hello, and welcome to Deadly 60.

# Night fever, night fever... #

Look, Steve, I'm sorry if I've been a bit rude.

Can I come next time?

This has been Deadly Bloopers, it's goodbye from me

and it's goodbye from Steve.

# Da-na-da-da-da! #

I wonder if any of them do any work at all.