Episode 1 Dick and Dom's Hoopla

# Let's fire up the van and hit the open road

# We're putting on a show from a travelling abode

# Everywhere we see the crazy and the colourful

# Prepare to be amazed by the weird and the wonderful

# Hoopla! Everybody shout hoopla!

# All together now Hoopla!

# Everybody knows Hoopla!

-# There'll be magic

-Mayhem!

-# Mystery

-Suspense

-# Guises

-And Surprises

# It's gonna be immense

# Form Matlock to Margate Pontefract to Perth

# It's simply gonna be the greatest show on earth

# Hoopla!

# Everybody shout hoopla!

# All together now Hoopla!

# Everybody loves... Hoopla! #

WIND HOWLS

CROAKING

-Hoopla!

-Hoopla!

-ALL:

-Hoopla!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Out on the wiley, windy moors

# We'd roll and fall in green

# You had a temper like my jealousy

# Too hot, too greedy

# How could you leave me when I needed to possess you?

# I hated you, I loved you too. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC PLAYS, AUDIENCE CLAP IN TIME

CHEERING

CHEERING

CHEERING

CHEERING

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND WHISTLING

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC ENDS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It is time for Dick Ball!

Baby Dick over here is going to be the football in this game.

Over here we have got the two teams.

Samuel in the red, and we have also got Keith in the red.

They should be called the Leamington Drizzles.

-Over here we have got team number two, Danny. Hello, Danny.

-Hello.

And we have also got Phoebe. You are the Battenburgs, OK?

Hang on, you can't play the game with a dummy in your mouth. Great.

OK, let's go over here.

And your game starts...now.

Well, here we go. Dick is wearing a nappy for personal reasons.

-Look at them go.

-That is absolutely scandalous.

I don't know what he is doing, doing that.

They came in hard, they came in not fair.

-They should be penalised for it, John.

-It is all to play for.

He is stuck in the middle of the pitch there.

Oh, lovely defending though, Brian.

Well, you say that, but as somebody who has never played the game,

and don't know it,

what I would saying is, stop giving it that, and look at the game.

Power down!

They have now got to power down and get him back on, John.

-How do you feel about that uniform?

-The nappy?

-Yeah.

I think it frees up the big ball, it allows him more space,

more width, and width is a very important thing, John.

That's right. And there's a crunch there into the side.

It is a very hard fought battle in midfield.

Aggressive from Keith, and from Danny. Both dads pretty angry.

What you've got to look at there, very good defending.

Very good defending from the Leamington Drizzles.

Power down!

-These two teams very much equal really.

-It is very tight.

Nobody is letting anybody leave.

That is possibly why he chose to wear the nappy today.

-I understand.

-That's a multiple 360 there for Dick. Off he goes.

What I would like to see

is a bit more aggression in the game, like that, John.

-That is what I am after!

-Hang on.

-A bit more of that.

-Danny is taking it to the line.

-It's going to be a goal.

-Oh, lovely!

Supreme attacking ability, John. That's what I like to see.

The Leamington Drizzles just could not hold him back.

Interesting to see how they line up,

whether they throw caution to the wind

-and go after the counter-attack.

-Yes.

-Or whether they play it safe.

-Off we go.

These final seconds here, I think we're looking at a victory.

It is very good defending.

-You can see the sweeper coming round at the back, John.

-Very good.

-There he is. Ready. That's it.

-That's it!

That's the end of the game. And the winners are the Battenburgs!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Baby Dick's got his nappy stuck.

LAUGHTER

Well, look at this! Was it a sensible outfit to wear?

-Have you soiled yourself?

-I'm stuck to it!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-I hope that's not skidmarks!

-'This could end messily.'

Naughty baby! Naughty!

'I don't know what he's doing at all, but it's an absolute shambles.'

Phoebe, congratulations.

You're the winner of the next Golden Hoopla Hoop!

CHEERING

Three, two, one. Hoopla!

Clowns, take her away.

We'll see you later in the Finale-ival. Goodbye!

-What are you doing?

-Eh?

And now to something even more entertaining.

It shouldn't be possible. It's John Kimmons!

Thank you. My name's John Kimmons and I'm a ventriloquist.

-Do you know what a ventriloquist is?

-ALL: Yeah!

I haven't got a puppet with me today. Very sorry about that.

So I thought what I could do is use one of you as a puppet in the show.

But I'm sorry, the costume's been made a little bit too big.

It will only fit a fully grown man.

I've got a gentleman there who looks very keen.

Give him a big round of applause.

-APPLAUSE

-Oh, look at that. He's actually coming out.

It's good when you're on telly, they actually come out.

Come on, join me. Join me. That bloke's gutted, look!

That bloke is gutted. You thought it was going to be you, didn't you?

It's all right. I've got two. You can come as well.

Give him a nice big round of applause.

-APPLAUSE

-It's like sports day at the nursery school. We're all winners.

OK, come and stand over here, sir. Let's find out who these people are.

Come a bit closer, sir. What is your name, sir?

-John.

-John? My very favourite name. Your name, sir?

-Nicky.

Nicky and John, OK.

I've a little mask for you here. It's a little mask.

If you stand about here, John. Stop backing off!

Nice and far forward. You're in the show now.

That goes on there. Beautiful, beautiful.

This fits on the facial area,

near the nasal region. There we go.

Let me see. Let's make you a bit more comfortable.

-Is that OK, John?

-Oh, yeah! Yeah, yeah!

-Are you OK?

-Oh, yes. I'm excited now, yes.

So am I!

-Give everyone a wave over there.

-Hello! Hello, ladies! All right?

Hello, ladies!

-I like the ladies!

-Oh, really? He likes the ladies.

-I know, yeah.

I like all the pretty ladies!

Hey, all right, John. Don't worry, Nicky.

I'm not missing you out. I've got one for you.

Oh, beautiful! Look at that.

Let's try that on. Look at that. Beautiful. That fits on there.

Fantastic. Look at that.

Oh, I nearly forgot!

I have this as well. Now...

LAUGHTER

Come here, Nicky. It's all right, I'm not going to make anybody

wear this. It's a bit uncomfortable.

Very hot under these lights. It's moth-eaten and flea-ridden.

Nobody wants to wear this.

I do!

LAUGHTER

-Really?

-I do, I do, I do!

-Please? Me, me, me!

-Really?

Yeah, yeah!

Oh, it's going to bring back so many memories!

MANIC LAUGHTER

Hee-hee-hee! Ha-ha-ha!

-Ooh, you're making me laugh.

-Good!

-In this case, literally.

-Yeah!

Come a bit closer, Nicky. Let's try that on there. Fantastic.

Oh, look at that.

Yeah, beautiful, beautiful! I've always wanted to be ginger!

-Again.

-OK, right.

-Hee-hee-hee!

-You've gone quiet, John.

I know, yeah.

I'm just checking out the ladies. All right?

John, we haven't got long. We've got to hurry up. He likes the ladies.

I know.

-Do you like the ladies?

-Not really, no.

I'm not bothered, no.

-What are you going to do for us then?

-We're going to sing a song.

Really?

-Are you doing a song?

-Yeah!

-Oh, yes!

-You as well?

-Oh, yeah! Yeah, yeah!

-Are you both singing it?

-Yeah!

-Yeah!

-Yeah!

-Yeah!

-Together?

-Yeah!

-Yeah!

-Yeah!

-Yeah!

-At the same time?

-Oh, yes!

-Yeah!

I'm quite keen to see how I do this myself.

Tell you what, let's manoeuvre you into position.

OK, we are going to go for the big song. Are you ready? OK.

-I was born ready.

-OK, right.

One, two...

# I like to move it, move it

# I like to move it, move it

# I like to move it, move it

# I'm too sexy for my shirt

# Too sexy for my shirt... #

Hey, John! You're getting carried away.

Did I count to three then?

You didn't. No, you didn't.

LAUGHTER

-You didn't.

-No. You sound like Orville.

I know! You didn't.

Well, we're going to set you both down now.

-No, I want to stay here.

-Really?

Yes, I want this to last for ever.

-I want to do a solo.

-Yeah?

-So you're going to sing?

-Yeah!

-You're not going to sing, are you?

-No.

-I'm going to dance.

-Oh, really?

-Right, OK.

-What are you going to sing?

-I'm going to sing Heads, Shoulders, Knees And Toes.

-Oh, right.

You ready? OK. One, two, three.

Yes!

# Heads...

# Shoulders, knees and toes Knees and toes

# Heads, shoulders, knees and toes Knees and toes

# And eyes and ears and mouth and nose

# Heads, shoulders, knees and toes

# Knees a-a-a

# A-a-a-and... #

# Toes! #

Hey, he did it again!

-CHEERING

-Give them a nice big round of applause.

Weren't they fantastic?

Thank you very much.

Thanks a lot. Give them a nice big round of applause.

Thank you very much. Enjoy the rest of the show.

Cards, cards, who will win? If I taste it, it's in the bin.

-Go on, Terry.

-I've lost me spoon.

-What? You've lost your spoon?

-Here have that one with curry sauce all over it.

-Mayonnaise.

-Mayonnaise.

With a spoon with curry sauce all over it. Right. Here you are.

Me hands are all slippy with mashed banana. Can you open that, Terry?

-No!

-Come on, put your back into it.

-There you go.

Right, ten seconds start now.

AUDIENCE SHOUTS ENCOURAGEMENT

..three, four, five, six...

-'STOP IT!'

-Swallow it.

-Oh, you weren't too keen. Your eyes are watering, Terry.

-Sure they are!

One, two, three...everyone likes mayonnaise...four, five,

six. Right.

Lewis, you pick. Cards, cards, who's going to win? We don't know yet.

If I taste it, it's in the bin.

-Pick! What have you got?

-Cold, lumpy gravy.

-Cold, lumpy gravy. Delicious.

Oh, it's still warm, this. Feel that. You'll have to do it.

Look at that. Sliding round it.

Come on, put your back into it, man. Be a bloke!

Take the lid and get him to do it. Come on, Pooh!

Mike Poo and the rescue. Lewis, your time starts now. Off you go.

AUDIENCE SHOUTS ENCOURAGEMENT

-'STOP IT!'

-You liked that one, didn't you?

-Lewis, can you swallow it? Is it them lumpy bits?

-Yeah.

They didn't whisk it up enough, did they? Right, two of them in there

and that's the end of the cards. Boys, this is what you've got to do.

Hold onto your pints really tight and I'm going to get

the mystic mixers out and I'm going to froth them up.

Hold your pint, Terry.

The first one to down their pint and put the empty pint on top

of their head is the winner. Go!

Round Two is called I'm The Best In The World.

You'll hear music and during the instrumental breaks

we'll tell you to act something out.

You'll get points for being really good at it, so be good.

Before we start this round. Terry, sorry,

you've got a little something on your cheek.

Just get rid of that. It's all gone, love, it's all gone.

Let's hear the music, please.

# I am the best in the world... #

Wait for it.

# The best in the world The very best at... #

Acting like a baby, Terry.

Act like a baby. The better you are, the more points you get.

TERRY SOBS

He's rewound his life many years.

He's remembering what it's like to be foetal.

-Quick, because I am feeling very disturbed.

-BOTH: Next!

Amy, go.

AMY SOBS

-Are you feeling slightly embarrassed?

-Yes.

-Do you fear that your friends are watching?

-Yeah.

Well, you're not going to win, are you? Next!

Phoebe. A baby. PHOEBE SOBS

-It wasn't that long ago!

-Waah!

-Oh, look!

-Waaah!

-She's gone foetal.

Oh, she has got... What...she doing?

-Poor baby.

-Great, that's the end of that round.

# I am the best in the world

# The best in the world The very best at... #

Smelling something and then acting like you've stepped in it.

-What is it that you're smelling, Terry?

-Oh!

Oh, he's acting like a baby again. Oh, he stepped in it!

-You really stepped in it! Next!

-Come on, Amy.

Come on, you smell something.

No, you smell something first!

What can you smell? What has she smelled? Smell something!

What are you smelling, the roses? What is it?

-She's thinking about her mates again.

-Next!

Oh, Phoebe. She's not worried.

Oh, Phoebe! What have you stepped in?!

-Acting skills.

-Oh! Very good. Well done, Phoebe.

-Lovely.

# I am the best in the world

# The best in the world The very best at... #

-Like you're being attacked by a swarm of wasps.

-Go.

-Bzzz!

-TERRY SHRIEKS

He's a baby again!

Go on, Tezza!

-The more you put into it, the more points you'll get.

-Oh!

What are you doing, man!

-Quick, next!

-Amy, go.

Forget your mates are watching, go for it.

-SHE SCREAMS

-That's it.

-Aah!

-That's it.

-Are you not scared of wasps, Amy?

-No.

If I was being chased by wasps, I wouldn't be doing this.

Phoebe, it's your turn, go! Next!

Ooh, ow, ooh! That's it.

-Aah!

-Oh!

There's a wasp.

BOTH: Brilliant!

# I was the best in the world

# The best thing ever The best thing ever

# The best thing in the world. # CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Quite, but who was the best in the world at everything?

First of all, Terry, for his three performances, his points, please.

Right, up we go.

8, that's 17.

17 + 6 = 23.

23 + 8 = 31.

31! Not a bad score, Terry. CHEERING

So... For the slightly self-conscious Amy...

Ready? Up we go, go.

OK, 3 + 8 = 11. That's 28!

-No, it's not. It's 18.

-It's 18!

-All right, Pooh!

-He didn't pass Maths.

I've finally, Phoebe, that means you have got to beat Amy.

17 or less and you will have to go home. Points, please, for Phoebe.

-Up we go.

-Oh, you've done it!

-Look at that!

-38 points!

-I think we all know there that, Amy, you are eliminated.

Sorry, Amy. The kid clowns will take you to the lion with no pride.

You had no pride on the stage.

-You didn't want to make a fool of yourself.

-Bye!

Go and join Johnny Pooh who is waiting for you.

Go on! Yeah!

MUSIC PLAYS

Now, the moment you've all been waiting for,

it's the final of the Finale-ival!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And here's our two Finale-aval finalists, it's Phoebe...

CHEERING

And Terry. CHEERING

Now then, you two.

Behind you, you can see there are eight bins.

-In seven of those bins, there's treasure!

-Treasure!

-Yes!

Prizes, the best prizes on television! Oh!

-AUDIENCE:

-Whoo!

-Oh, yes!

-For you!

-But, but, but!

In one of those bins is a clown called Cyril. He's very wrong.

If you find Cyril, you lose the game.

Now, Phoebe, you had the most amount of points in the last game,

so you go first.

Are you nervous?

-Yeah.

-I hope you don't get that clown, cos he's wrong.

-Which bin isn't Cyril in?

-Erm...

Seven.

So...slowly go over to bin number seven. Good luck, Phoebe.

Put your hand on the handle.

-And lift the lid! Oh!

-What is it, Phoebe?

-It's a...

-Bring it, bring it!

-It's a pig!

-Bring it, bring it!

-Bring it here!

-Bring it, bring it! What is it?

-It's a pig, it's lovely.

-It's a pig!

Oh, wow! Terry, bin number seven's gone.

It's your chance to pick a bin.

All right, Terry? Which bin isn't Cyril in?

Oh, it's got to be number...three!

Three. OK, Terry, in your own time.

Make your way to the bin and lift off the lid. Number three.

-Yee-argh! Oh.

-Oh! What is it?!

Look what you got! It's a bouncy ball!

-AUDIENCE:

-Whoo!

-Treasure for Terry!

The best prizes on television.

So Phoebe, you've got your small pig, but which bin isn't Cyril in?

AUDIENCE SHOUTS OUT NUMBERS

-Shut up!

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

How to win your audience!

-Five.

-Bin number five. Good luck, Phoebe.

Your chance to get more prizes.

-Aah!

-Oh!

-What is it?

-It's a yellow car!

-It's what?

-It's a car!

-A yellow car!

-CHEERING

You've lost your name badge again! I told you about this earlier!

Gypsy Rose told ya! It's Terry on yer head!

You're a bit sweaty, aren't you? I know you're tense.

Which bin isn't Cyril in?

-It's got to be number two.

-Number two. OK, Terry.

Over to the bin.

Lift the lid. Terry, stop!

-What did you have for tea last night?

-Curry.

-Lovely, lift the lid! Aah!

Oh!

-What is it?

-Oh!

-Let me see!

-Pencils.

-Oh! Terry's got felt tips!

-Oh!

CHEERING Treasure for Terry.

We are nearing the completion. Which bin isn't Cyril in?

AUDIENCE SHOUTS OUT NUMBERS

Six.

-Bin number six. Phoebe, don't let go of your prizes.

-I won't.

-Good luck.

Here we go.

-It's going to be in there.

-Oh!

-Aah!

-SHE SCREAMS

Run! Run! CYRIL LAUGHS MENACINGLY

Not very nice, is it?

Oh!

-Cheers, mate?

-You all right?

-Thought I was a goner, then. But look!

Ladies and gents! The master of the Hoopla.

And the winner of the Hoopla trophy...is Terry!

CHEERING

-Hold your trophy, Terry.

-Well done.

Terry... How... How do you feel?

Absolutely brilliant.

-Have you enjoyed your time here?

-Superb.

Aah! AUDIENCE SCREAMS

DICK AND DOM YELL

CYRIL CACKLES

Oh, no. Look! Terry's been turned into a kid clown.

Well, Terry...you might as well join our carnival...for ever!

Thanks to everyone that's been on the show today,

including the Black Eagles, and not forgetting John Kimmons.

-He was here.

-And also to magician extraordinaire Timo Marc.

The Pooh brothers, and the kid clowns, as always.

And also to you lot.

-AUDIENCE CHEERS

-That's it and who knows,

our carnival might be coming to a town near you.

-BOTH:

-Hoopla!

-AUDIENCE:

-Hoopla!

Dick and Dom would like to point out that Phoebe survived her

encounter with Cyril and is about to open her own flan shop in Wigan.