Episode 2 Dick and Dom's Hoopla

Hoopla!

# We've fired up the van and hit the open road

# We're putting on a show

# From our travelling abode

# Devilish beasts It's crazy and wonderful

# Prepare to be amazed by the weird and the wonderful

# Everybody shout, hoopla! Altogether now, hoopla!

# Everybody loves hoopla!

# There will be magic, mayhem, mystery, suspense

# Prizes, surprises It's going to be immense

# From Matlock to Mali Pontefract to Perth

# It's simply going to be the greatest show on Earth

# Hoopla!

# Everybody shout, hoopla! Altogether now, hoopla!

# Everybody loves hoopla! #

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

CHEERING

CHEERING

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

UPTEMPO MUSIC

WHOOPING AND CHEERING

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Another chance for someone to win a Golden Hoopla Hoop.

-How you feeling, Dom?

-See, the thing about it is...

-Great, let's meet the teams over here. Who have we got?

-Guy.

-And who are you?

-Belle.

-They are the Nappies over here.

That's that team! And who's on this side, who have we got?

-Becky.

-And who are you?

-Kai.

-Otherwise known as the Wipes.

It's the Nappies versus the Wipes.

You've got 90 seconds in which to get Dom over the white line.

You get a point for each time that happens.

I'm the referee, so whatever I say counts.

Let's go and meet the adjudicators of the day over here.

We've got Brian and John.

Hello, fellas. How d'you think the match is going to be today?

Well, pretty tough. Of course, Dominic's only three foot six,

so it's going to be a tough battle for him,

but I'm hoping he's going to do well, you never know.

But I'm really rooting for the Nappies.

Yes, and I would say, I don't know what's going to happen,

but somebody will win.

That's the commentators' view on it.

Let's get on with the game. Power up!

BLOWS WHISTLE

And off we go. Look at that.

Oh, dear. That is a Texas lock-off. Everyone in there together.

Well, the thing is with that, with the Texas lock-off,

-you can't get it moving...

-Hang on, look at this.

Look at the Wipes. Look at the Wipes, over the line.

-Textbook!

-Well, that was absolutely fantastic.

When we had that Texas lock-off at the start,

no-one was going anywhere.

John, let me say something.

You need to stop giving it so much of that.

And so we go again.

Now, what are they doing...?

And some very aggressive play from the Nappies.

Somebody wants to get a goal, and I think they will.

They've come back beautifully there, John.

-Power down.

-They've powered down after that goal, cos it's also time

to swap ends for the second half.

At one-all, it's still all to play for.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Well, here we go again.

Hang on a minute, there's a break on the outside.

This is a real jam!

Oh, dear. Oh, dear.

It's stout defending.

It looks like we need to get the referee involved here.

WHISTLE BLOWS

I think the Dom is stuck.

WHISTLE BLOWS

CRASH

A stumble.

There's some aggression there from the Nappies.

They don't want to be defeated.

No, they don't want to be defeated.

-WHISTLE BLOWS

-There's the referee.

I'll take the opportunity to say the crowd is at capacity today.

But I think this crowd would like more goals.

WHISTLE BLOWS

-More goals in the game, John.

-I agree wholeheartedly, Brian.

But here come the Wipes. They're making a break.

I don't know what's happened to the Red Team.

They really are struggling.

They have no defensive capabilities.

-Oh, it's a goal.

-WHISTLE

That's the whistle at the end of the game.

2-1 to the Wipes. Absolutely marvellous.

CHEERING

Congratulations!

Who's the team captain?

You! Kai! You're the winner!

-CHEERING

-Yay!

-Get out of the car!

Come and see your audience!

What we want you to do is hoopla this for 20 seconds. Ready?

Hoopla!

CHEERING

Roll up! Roll up! This man can guess your age

using the power of his mind! Guaranteed.

Whatever you do, don't make me look stupid.

-All right?

-All right.

-Off we go!

38.

Bit harsh!

Next!

Er, six?

-Next!

-Bit hard!

30...34.

Next!

Seven.

Hooray!

-Next.

-Seven.

Show them! Show them!

-Get out!

-Go on!

Next!

28.

Next!

Bit hard! 39.

Next!

No, wait, wait, wait...

11.

-Ohhh!

-What? Oh!

Next!

53?

# Bang bang goes the drum

# Bang bang goes the rhythm

# Bang bang goes my heart every time that we're together

# Bang bang goes the drum

# Bang bang goes the rhythm

# Bang bang goes my heart

# Every time that we're together

# I'm sat here waiting

# Anticipating

# You'll soon be coming

# I'll get you started

# My hands are shaking

# A mess you're making

# All night awaking

# My mind is aching

# Nobody's saying "I love you"

# Nobody's saying

# Bang bang goes the drum

# Bang bang goes the rhythm

# Bang bang goes my heart

# Every time that we're together

# Bang bang goes the drum

# Bang bang goes the rhythm

# Bang bang goes my heart

# Every time that we're together

# And when I'm seeing the hand you're dealing

# I just can't hide my feelings inside, no, no

# Nobody's saying, "I love you"

# Nobody's saying, "I do"

# Nobody's saying, "I love you"

# Nobody's saying, "I do"

# Oh, oh, oh!

# Oh, oh, oh, oh!

# Nobody's saying, "I love you"

# Nobody's saying, "I do"

# Bang bang goes the drum

# Bang bang goes the rhythm

# Bang bang goes my heart every time that we're together... #

-Who have we got here then? What's your name?

-Kye.

-Hello, Kye. And who are you?

-India.

In front of me here are Dick's Cards Of Fate. Turn three over each

and all will be revealed. So, Kye, you're going first.

Pick a card. Let me just do my rhyme.

Cards, cards, bring us luck. If you don't I might chuck...

CHUCKS UP

I must stop doing that. Right, Kye, which card would you like?

This one.

Hold it up nice and high and show the people at home.

Over there, look. What have you got? Mayonnaise!

Lovely! Let's get the mayonnaise. That means, India,

that you've got to eat as many spoonfuls of mayonnaise as you can

in ten seconds. Off you go, love.

Mmm!

Lovely. There's a gip bucket next to you if you need it.

Ohhhh!

You're just like me, aren't you, India?

Right, you got two spoonfuls. That means that two spoonfuls now

go into your lush pint.

All will be explained later on.

India, pick a card.

Hold it up nice and high. Show the people at home what you've got.

Ooh, wet chips.

Lovely.

I've had these soaking for a few days now, Kye.

Eat as many as you can in ten seconds. Off you go.

He's got four...

two...

..three...

Will he get the four?

Two and a half wet chips.

Didn't enjoy that? Wetter the better.

Ohhh!

He's just like me as well.

So two and a half wet chips go into your lush pint.

There you are, lovely.

Right, Kye, back to you. Pick a card.

Show the people at home. Nice and high.

What've you got? Over there, that's it.

Custard! Lovely.

Oooh, you can't beat a bit of custard.

Right, here you are, India.

Ten seconds to eat as many spoonfuls as you can.

Here we go. One...

two...

..three...

four...five!

Oh, we'll give her six, ladies and gentlemen!

No, we can't give you the six. Did you enjoy that sixth spoonful?

You've got five. One, two, three, four, five into your lush pint.

Right, back to the game. Another card for you, India. Cards, cards,

bring us luck. If you don't, I might...

CHUCKS UP

Right, India, pick your card.

Hold it up, show them at home. Vanilla ice cream!

Oh, what a treat!

Here we are, vanilla ice cream. Not bad, this one, Kye.

Ten seconds, off you go.

He likes this one, doesn't he? One...

One and a bit.

Two, three,

four, five...

Five! Well done! Five spoonfuls into your lush pint!

One, two, three...

Put it all in there. Lovely. You like that, don't you, India?

LAUGHTER Back to you, Kye.

Cards, cards, bring us luck. If you don't, I might...

CHUCKS UP

I haven't got much left in there.

Off you go, Kye, pick a card.

Hold it up, show them at home what you've got.

What is it? Tuna?!

Oooh! Do you like tuna, India?

Good! Here it is.

Look, it's been soaking in special juices

There you are.

Ten seconds. Off you go.

There's one.

Lovely. Two. Nice and fishy.

Two and a bit.

Three! Well done, India!

Three into your lush pint.

Look at that, lovely!

Your lush pint's really looking a treat, isn't it, Kye?

OK.

Right, back to the cards. It's your go again.

Cards, cards, bring us luck. If you don't, I might chuck...

CHUCKS UP

HE SPITS

Extra bit there. What've you got? More custard!

Right, here we are. Kye, there's yours. Where's your spoon gone, love?

Have that one with tuna on it.

Ten seconds, off you go.

One...

Oooh, it's coming back out!

LAUGHTER Two... Keep it down, son.

Four...

Five...

Five, you got five. Five into your lush pint.

One, two, three, four... Don't mind him gipping. There we are.

Lovely. Right. This is the exciting bit now.

What do you think's going to happen?

Eh? Well, I'll tell ya.

I'm going to get out my mystic mixers.

Hope they've got fresh batteries in them.

BUZZING

LAUGHTER

Hold your pints carefully cos I'm going to mix them up.

Hold it carefully, here we go.

One, two, three, go!

MOTORS REV NOISILY

LAUGHTER

That's mixed!

Let me get it in your pint! Here, scoop some in it.

Right then. Now we've got to see who can down the most. Are you ready?

First one to down it wins! Go! Who's it going to be, Kye or India?

India's done it! He's gipping!

It's coming up!

Kye, thank you very much. Off you go.

Round two is called I'm The Best In The World. Make your way forward.

You're going to hear a song and there are instrumental breaks.

When we tell you to do something, you do it. It could be gurning.

It could be anything.

You've got to do it to the best of your ability.

Are you ready? Let's start the music.

# I am the best in the world

# The best in the world The very best at...#

Gurning.

Gurn.

Hang on a minute. Hang on a minute. Stop.

Listen, love. Do you know what gurning is?

Shall I tell you what gurning is? It's doing this with your face.

A few audience members look like they are but it's just their normal faces.

Are you ready? Let's start this again. Play the music.

# I am the best in the world

# The best in the world, The very best at...#

Gurning.

Next.

Sue!

# I am the best in the world

# The best in the world, the very best at...#

Being a dirty monkey.

-That's scary!

-That's not dirty!

-Next, please.

-Mubarik.

Hang on a minute. Stop a minute. What are you doing?

We said be a monkey. All right, ready and next.

-Oh, hang on a minute.

-Itchy botty?

-What's that about?

-Picky nosy. Get off.

-Stop.

# I am the best in the world,

# The best in the world The very best at...#

Blowing a raspberry.

BLOWS RASPBERRY

BLOWS RASPBERRY Who's next?

BLOWS RASPBERRY

-Yeah, next please.

-Sue.

BLOWS RASPBERRY

# I am the best in the world

# The best thing ever The best thing ever

# The best thing in the world. #

But who was the best in the world? Over to the judges.

Let's find out. India's score, please?

Who is the best in the world?

-Here we go.

-That's 11, that's twenty-something... 26.

Have you got enough fingers?

It's 27.

CHEERING

And your scores for Mubarik, please.

Scores for Mubarik. Here we go. Up you go, with your scores.

21 for Mubarik.

And the scores for the lady we asked to be a monkey and she just stood

-there picking her bum.

-Sue, it's all to play for because you need to beat

Mubarik's score of 21. Here we go. The scores, please, for Sue.

Here we go, girls. Up you go.

26.

APPLAUSE

I think we all know that the loser of this round is Mubarik,

who only got 21 points. Mubarik, hard luck.

I'm afraid this means that you have you have to ride

the Lion With No Pride. Off you go.

So near,

yet so far.

Put your money in.

CHEERING

He loves it.

If you're ready, let's do the final round.

CHEERING

And here they are, ladies and gentlemen, the final two.

It's India and it's Sue.

This final round is called A Bin Full Of Cyril.

Behind us, there are eight bins. In seven of them, there is treasure.

Little treasures, for you.

But in one of those bins lies a very, very wrong clown

called Cyril.

If you find Cyril the Clown, you lose. It's as simple as that.

So the person going first is the one that had the most

amount of points in the last round and that was India.

So, come on over here. India, stay there.

What we want you to do in a loud clear voice

is announce which bin you are going to lift the lid off.

-Three.

-She's going for number three, OK.

Remember, if that contains treasure, you're still in the game.

If it contains Cyril, woe betide you.

India, lift the lid.

-What have you got?

-What is it? A rubber band ball!

-Treasure.

-How nice. Come over here.

-It Sue's turn.

-OK, Sue. Come here.

And tell us which bin you're going to look in.

-Number five.

-Number five.

OK, Sue, in your own time, lift off the lid

and if Cyril's in it, you lose. What's going to be in there?

-What is it?

-It's treasure!

Sue, what treasure have you got? She's got Salt and vinegar crisps!

Lovely.

CHEERING

-We give away the best prizes on this show.

-Your turn again, India.

One of the bins that's left. Number five and number three have gone.

-What's it going to be now?

-Two.

-Number two, she's going for.

In your own time, India, lift that lid.

-What is it?

-Treasure.

It's a plastic boat. Keep hold of your treasure.

So far we've given away a rubber band ball, a packet of crisps

and a plastic boat.

-It was worth coming from Aberdeen for, wasn't it?

-Definitely.

-Good.

So, Sue, five bins left. Which one are you going to lift the lid off?

-Number one.

-Number one.

Sue, good luck.

Off you go.

-What is it?

-Treasure.

It's a toy frog!

-Sue, you've done so well.

-Cheap tat. OK.

India, the stakes are really high now.

There are just four bins left.

Number eight, number seven, number six, number four.

Which one is it going to be? He's in one of them, you don't want

-to find Cyril because it'd be very, very wrong.

-Four.

She wants to go for number four, ladies and gentlemen.

-Let's find out what happens.

-What's it going to be?

Cyril!

It's OK. It's OK.

If you're at home and you're feeling slightly scared

or worried, don't worry. The clown is dead.

And she's just knocked out, she's just stunned.

That means the winner is Sue!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, no. Sue's been turned into a kid clown. That means you might

as well join our carnival. For ever.

Right, that's the end, ladies and gentlemen.

CHEERING

Yes. We'd like to thank the Pooh Brothers.

-The kid clowns.

-The Graffiti Classics, Aaron Sparks,

ladies and gentlemen.

-Paul Burling.

-Paige Richardson.

-Not forgetting you lot.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Who knows, next time, Hoopla might be coming to a town near you.

-Hoopla!

Dick and Dom would like to point out that India is alive and well

and has just completed her first novel,

10,000 Things I Love About Dick And Dom.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd