Episode 3 Dick and Dom's Hoopla


Episode 3

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Hoopla!

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# Fire up the van and hit the open road

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# We're putting on a show from a travelling abode

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# Fabulous feats that are crazy and colourful

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# Prepare to be amazed by the weird and the wonderful

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# Hoopla

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# Everybody shout Hoopla

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# All together now, Hoopla

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# Everybody loves Hoopla

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# They'll be magic, mayhem Mystery, suspense

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# Prizes, surprises It's going to be immense

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# From Matlock to Margate Pontefract to Perth

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# It's simply going to be the greatest show on Earth

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# Hoopla

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# Everybody shout Hoopla

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# All together now, Hoopla

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# Everybody loves Hoopla. #

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DOORBELL RINGS

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-Hoopla! AUDIENCE:

-Hoopla!

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# Standing on a corner Watching all the girls go by

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# Standing on the corner Giving all the girls the eye... #

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APPLAUSE

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MUSIC PLAYS

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APPLAUSE

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MUSIC PLAYS

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APPLAUSE

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'Hammer time.'

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# Go with the funk it's said

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# If you can't groove You probably dead

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# So wave your hands in the air

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# Run your fingers through your hair

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# This is it for a winner

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# Dance to this and you're going to get thinner... #

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# You're here There's nothing I fear... #

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The Golden Hoopla is at stake in Dom-Ball. How are you feeling, Dom?

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PRRRPPT!

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-Let's meet the teams. Who are you?

-Megan.

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-And who are you over here?

-Mark.

-This team are called Meat.

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-Who are you?

-Rich.

-And who have you got with you?

-Ben.

-You're Veg.

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It's Meat versus Veg.

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You've got 90 seconds in total, in which to get Dom over the line.

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If you do, you get one point! Here's the commentators, Brian and John.

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Let's play Dom-Ball!

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WHISTLE BLOWS

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Well, here we go. Another tremendous start there,

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-both teams.

-No, I'd like to disagree with you there, John.

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It's not a tremendous start, is it? The tactics are not working.

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I don't think anybody's going to win this today.

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Now there's a break - a break for Meat.

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And a retaliation immediately from Veg.

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The formation here is not really working.

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I'd like to see the Dom-Ball

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being brought wide down the flanks, using the width.

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Well, Megan there for the Meat is just trying to get...

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And they're both getting a push on him. Surely over the line?

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I don't think it is. Not quite over the line yet.

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Very good defending. What Veg has managed to do

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-is get men back.

-Yes.

-And they've parked the bus.

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-Yes.

-They've certainly parked the car.

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WHISTLE BLOWS, KLAXON BLARES

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That's the power down.

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You see it's very interesting,

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but they need to use more width.

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-Why don't you just shut up?

-The Dom-Ball's free,

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let's see what they can do now. Off we go.

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Here we go again. Dom-Ball's in the middle.

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This is a very good restart.

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Oh, that's... Was it over the line?

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-It's over the line.

-It's over the line.

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Well, that is...

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-WHISTLE BLOWS

-That is a goal.

-That is a goal.

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-So, that's, er, Reds, isn't it?

-Yes, here we go.

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-Interesting to see if Veg gets back into this.

-Let's see. Let's see.

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-WHISTLE BLOWS

-I don't know.

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-I don't know whether they've got the gumption.

-Can Veg claw it back?

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Well, again, it's a strong start from Meat, isn't it?

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-They're aggressive, they really are.

-They are.

-I'm rather excited by it.

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It's come to a bit of a grinding halt down at the flanks again.

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Well, you know... That's full time.

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KLAXON BLARES, WHISTLE BLOWS

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APPLAUSE

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MUSIC PLAYS

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# Mister, your eyes are full of hesitation

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# It makes me wonder Do you know what you're looking for?

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# Maybe he wants to keep his reputation

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# He's a sensation

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# You try him once You'll beg for more

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# Oh, yes, sir, he can boogie

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# But he needs a certain song

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# He can boogie Boogie woogie all night long

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# Oh, yes, sir, he can boogie

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# If you stay, you can't go wrong

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# He can boogie Boogie woogie all night long... #

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Well, wasn't that horrific?

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I think we can all take away something from that,

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like a horrific memory or two.

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MUSIC PLAYS

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# We were very happy Well, at least I though we were

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# Can somebody tell me what got into her?

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# We'd a house and a home and a family

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# And a man that loved her so

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# Who'd believe she'd leave us to join a... #

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-Hoopla!

-# ..show?

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# Whoa, say, has anybody seen my sweet Gypsy rose?

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# Here's a picture when she was my sweet Mary Joan

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# Now she's got rings on her fingers and bells on her toes

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# Say, has anybody seen my sweet Gypsy rose? #

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Here I am! Hiya! CHEERING

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Hiya! And I'm Gypsy Rose Dick.

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Some people like to call me GYP-sy Rose Dick.

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So-called because of...

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You're all right. It were a bhoona last night. It's settling now.

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Ooh, look at this! We've got a young 'un and an oldie!

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-Hiya. What's your name?

-Issie.

-And who are you?

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-Jackie.

-Jackie. We'll play the game

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and all will be revealed, all right? I'm going to do me rhyme first.

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Cards, cards, bring us luck.

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If you don't, I might chuck.

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GAGS

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Oh, it's like having seconds.

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LAUGHTER

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That peshwari were lovely last night. Right then, Issie, you go first.

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Which one are you having? Show it to them at home what you've got.

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Put it the right way up so we can read it.

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Rice pudding! Lovely. Let me get it out me cupboard. 'Ere we are!

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Rice pudding. Right then, Jackie.

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You've ten seconds to eat as many spoonfuls of rice pudding as you can.

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But you've got to swallow 'em! All right? Here we go.

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Swallowed it.

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Two. Three. Four. Five.

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Six!

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She got six! Jackie, nice one.

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So that means, Issie, you get

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six dollops of this in your lush pint.

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Three, four, five, six.

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Right then, Jackie, it's your go. Pick your card.

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What have you got? Show everyone at home.

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Show them down there. What is it? Jelly!

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Lovely. Let's get the jelly. Where is it? Jelly.

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Here you are. Right then, Issie,

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ten seconds to eat as many spoonfuls as you can.

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Make sure you swallow.

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Off you go!

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One.

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Two.

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-'Stop it!'

-Stop!

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She got two. Right then, Jackie, two of these in your lush pint.

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Ooh, don't that look lovely?

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There you are. Marvellous.

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Right. OK, then,

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Issie, back to you. Ready to pick a card. Let's shuffle them up a bit.

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Cards, cards, bring us luck. If you don't, I might chuck!

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GAGGING AND SPLOSHING

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Bweurgh! Wheurgh! SPLOSH!

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Eurgh! That were a bad 'un.

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LAUGHTER

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Go on, then, Issie. Off you go. What you got?

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Pickle! Lovely.

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Pickle. You like pickle, don't you? You know what to do.

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Off you go. Make sure you swallow.

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One. Two.

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They're little 'uns, aren't they?

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LAUGHTER

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Three. Four!

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'Stop it!'

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Have you swallowed it?

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She has. Four! Four pickles in there.

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We'll do a couple of little ones cos you only had mini ones.

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Four, there you are!

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Nice. Right then, OK, Jackie, your turn to pick a card.

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Show everyone at home.

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What is it? Let me have a look. Sour cream and chive dip!

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How nice! Here you are. Issie, you know what to do. Be sure to swallow.

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Off you go. One.

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Swallow it then. Two.

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She's not doing so good, Issie, is she? Didn't you like it?

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It's my favourite, that.

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Right then, that means two of these go in your lush pint.

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There you are. Look at that. That's a nice little mixture coming up there.

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Coming up a treat, that. Right then, Issie, back to you.

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Cards, cards, bring us luck. If you don't, I might chuck.

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Gargh! What the... Whoop!

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GAGGING AND SPLOSHING

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Whoop! Whoop!

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It's gone in me hair now.

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LAUGHTER

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Where were we? You pick it, then. Come on.

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What is it? What have you got?

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Cold baked beans.

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Always a treat! Now then, Jackie. Swallow them. Ten seconds start now.

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One. This is a woman that loves her food, I think.

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Three. Four.

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-'Stop it!'

-Five! Your pint's really coming together 'ere, Issie.

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One, two, three, four. Ooh, it's nearly full up! Five! It's floating!

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Right, we're nearly at the end.

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OK, Issie, your go.

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Cards, cards, bring us luck. If you don't, I might chuck.

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Whoa! Whoop!

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GAGGING AND SPLOSHING

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Will you clean that up?

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All right, pick your card. Ooh...

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LAUGHTER

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Me chair's bust! INDISTINCT

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Right, pick it, then!

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Show them at home. What have you got?

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Ketchup. I can't... Can you get the ketchup, Jackie?

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LAUGHTER

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I'm stuck. Too much bhoona last night.

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Right, 'ere, you know what to do.

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Ten seconds. Off you go.

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How many 'ave you 'ad?

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-Four?

-'Stop it!'

-Time's up. We'll give you five.

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'Ere you are, give me your pint. One, two, three, four, five.

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Right, then. I mean, that's it.

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It's time to get out!

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-Hold on, I'll get you out.

-Please, love.

-OK. Cor.

-Actually, I'm stuck.

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LAUGHTER

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Stop that, will ya?

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-What?

-I'm out.

-All right.

-You two, hold on to them pints tightly.

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Hold on to your lush pint.

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I'm going to get out my rapid mystic mixers - seven speeds,

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I like 'em on full pelt! 'Ere we go! What we're going to do,

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we're going to churn them up and you've got to down 'em.

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The one that gets below the line is the winner.

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When you've drunk it, stick it on top of your 'ead!

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All right, let's mix.

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WHIZZING

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GRUNTS WITH EFFORT

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Oh, right. Yours is stuck in it! Ready?

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Down 'em!

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Think we know who's going to win this.

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Put it on your 'ead.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Sorry, Issie. Did you enjoy that?

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Take it with you,

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a little present for you. Give Issie a round of applause.

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Come with me.

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I know it's your nice new frock and it's got dribbly bits all over it.

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Let's go over 'ere. You know what this means,

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don't you? Right, you've won a Golden Hoop Loop!

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And now you've got 20 seconds in which to...hoopla!

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JOLLY MUSIC PLAYS

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GIBBERS

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I'm all dishevelled after that. Never been stuck in a chair before.

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Hello there, what's your name?

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-Kayleigh.

-Kayleigh, is it too late to say I'm sorry? Mm-hm-mmm.

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Kayleigh, do you spook easily?

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-Yeah.

-You do spook easily!

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This is going to be fun, isn't it? Well, I've got a question for you.

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Which of these is the spookiest sound effect? Number one - whooo?

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Number two - aaargh! Number three - Martin! Martin! Put it back down!

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-Two.

-Two? Oh, you think the growling? Fair enough.

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Let's see how she fares inside there. Are you ready for a scare?

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-Yeah.

-Remember, when you go through the doors,

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don't...touch...your helmet!

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All right, off you go. Bye-bye. Toodle-oodle-oo.

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No cheating! No cheating! Robert cheated - was a cheat!

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WHIRRING, WHIZZING AND SCREAMING

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I hope she's not cheating in there, I don't like a cheat.

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You must eat all your broccoli and onions!

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CACKLING

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KLAXON BLARES, SCREAMING

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-YELLING AND CACKLING

-Hello, mother.

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GROWLING

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CACKLING Boo-hoo-hoo!

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Oh, what's the matter, little girl?

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CACKLING

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Oh...

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Oh, now then, now then, just step this way, Robert, a second for me.

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-Next to Gabriel.

-Come over here.

-Come over, Kayleigh.

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Come on, step out.

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Ooh, it's so spooky! Come on, out you get.

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Ah.

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-Gabriel?

-Yes.

-Was there any cheating in there?

-I don't think so, Master.

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She had here hands there, but I don't think she touched her helmet.

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Very good, Gabriel. Thank you for observing that. Ooh!

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2.5 to beat and you have 5 of your Earth centimetres!

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CHEERING

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Which means that Kayleigh is the winner

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and she needs to do some hooplaing.

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Where's my Golden Hoop? Oh, my word, it's over here!

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Ooh, dearie me, I'm so sorry! Here's the Golden Hoop Hoopla!

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Please, Kayleigh, stand down there. Don't slip up.

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And while you hoopla, I shall sing a lovely song. Are you ready?

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Ready to hoopla? Now!

0:20:380:20:41

# Gimme that, gimme that Gimme, gimme, gimme that

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# Gimme that thing, gimme that Gimme, gimme that

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# Gimme that, gimme that Gimme, gimme that

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# Gimme, gimme, gimme that ding. #

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-Well, that was absolutely lovely.

-That was better.

0:20:520:20:56

# Hoopla! #

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Now, the next round is called The Best In The World

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where we have to try and find out which one of you

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-is best at doing things that we tell you to do.

-Let's have the music!

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Crank it up!

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# I am the best in the world The best in the world

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# The very best at... #

0:21:120:21:14

-A fish out of water, Mark.

-Be a fish out of water.

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Er, no.

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-Oh, he's gone on the floor.

-He's down.

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-What's he doing?

-What are you doing?

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Who's next? Molly, be a fish out of water.

0:21:250:21:27

-You can stop now, Mark.

-Right.

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Ooh, it's good.

0:21:300:21:31

-She's gone for the face down one.

-It's nearly the snake.

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-It's pretty good.

-Next, please.

-All right, Kayleigh, off you go.

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Kayleigh.

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Oh, alternating hands. A bit more flappy and wet.

0:21:410:21:45

-OK, stop!

-# I am the best in the world

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# The best in the world The very best at... #

0:21:490:21:52

Mark, you've got to be the best at pretending that you've

0:21:520:21:56

-lost your wallet and then found it again.

-Go.

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-Oh.

-'Next one, please.'

-Molly.

-Molly.

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Where's it gone? Where is it?

0:22:110:22:12

-She's playing pat-a-cake on her legs.

-She found it!

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-'Next!'

-Kayleigh.

-Kayleigh.

-Oh, no, she's in despair.

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-Oh, no.

-She can't believe it. She's looking round the tubs of water.

-Ah!

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Ah, she's found her wallet. OK, that's the end of that. Well done.

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# I am the best in the world The best in the world

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# The very best at... #

0:22:310:22:32

Having a fish bone stuck in your throat.

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-Ooh.

-COUGHS

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Ooh, he got it.

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-He's got it out.

-'Next!'

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COUGHS AND GAGS

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-She's giving it.

-She's got it.

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-'Next!'

-This is to win, remember. You've got to really sell it.

0:22:490:22:52

COUGHS AND GAGS

0:22:520:22:54

Oh, she's got it. There we go.

0:22:540:22:57

And that concludes our round.

0:22:570:22:59

# I was the best in the world The best thing ever

0:22:590:23:02

# The best thing ever

0:23:020:23:04

# The best thing in the world. #

0:23:040:23:06

-Isn't it lovely?

-Over to Mike Poo and your fellow judges.

0:23:060:23:10

-Scores for Mark, please.

-All right. Scores for Mark. Here we go.

0:23:100:23:15

Was he the best in the world?

0:23:150:23:17

-20 points!

-Scores for Molly, please!

0:23:170:23:20

Was she the best in the world at everything we told her to do?

0:23:200:23:24

-Hold them up.

-Here we go.

0:23:240:23:26

27!

0:23:260:23:27

27, so we've got a score of 20 and 27.

0:23:270:23:32

If you get above 20, you and Molly are through.

0:23:320:23:36

-Let's have a look!

-Judges. Oh, it's an out-and-out win.

0:23:360:23:39

CHEERING

0:23:390:23:43

30 points. That means...

0:23:430:23:44

So, I'm afraid, Mark, you're going to ride the lion with no pride.

0:23:440:23:51

CHEERING AND CACKLING

0:23:510:23:53

-Let it go.

-CARNIVAL MUSIC

0:24:020:24:06

It's time for the finale of the Finaleval!

0:24:100:24:14

CHEERING

0:24:140:24:17

This final round is called A Binful of Cyril.

0:24:200:24:22

We have eight bins here. In seven of them are little schatzis.

0:24:220:24:26

-Treasure.

-Treasure.

-Prizes for you.

0:24:260:24:30

Mmm. But in one of them there is a very, very wrong clown called Cyril.

0:24:300:24:35

If either of you find the clown, you lose and the other one wins.

0:24:350:24:39

The person who's going to go first is Kayleigh

0:24:390:24:41

cos she got the highest score in the last round.

0:24:410:24:43

So, Molly, stand back here.

0:24:430:24:45

Now, Kayleigh.

0:24:450:24:47

Think carefully, this could be the difference between being terrified

0:24:470:24:51

by our scary clown or winning the best prizes on television!

0:24:510:24:56

-Yes.

-Which number would you like to go for?

0:24:560:24:59

-One.

-Number one!

0:24:590:25:02

Kayleigh, slowly but confidently.

0:25:020:25:05

GULPS

0:25:080:25:11

What's in there? A rubber duck, ladies and gentlemen! Look at that!

0:25:110:25:16

-You've got a schatzi, Kayleigh!

-The best prizes in the world.

0:25:160:25:20

Molly, step forward. Seven bins left. Which number are you going to go for?

0:25:200:25:28

Four.

0:25:280:25:29

-Number four she's going for.

-So, good luck.

0:25:290:25:33

Oh... Oooh!

0:25:360:25:37

-What is it?

-It's a dummy, everybody. Oh, well done.

-Look a that!

0:25:370:25:45

The best prizes on children's television today.

0:25:450:25:49

So, Kayleigh, which bin would you like to choose next?

0:25:490:25:52

-Eight.

-Number eight.

-Eight.

0:25:540:25:59

Off you go.

0:25:590:26:00

We've given away a rubber duck and a dummy. Will it be a clown?

0:26:000:26:04

Will she lose? Is she going to lose?

0:26:040:26:06

-What is it?

-BOTH: A lollipop!

0:26:060:26:11

-A lollipop!

-Treasure all the way!

-Well done.

0:26:110:26:15

Molly, right, we're nearly there. Not many bins left.

0:26:150:26:20

-Which one are you going to go for now?

-Seven.

-Seven!

0:26:200:26:24

-Here she goes. What's it going to be?

-Here we go.

0:26:240:26:28

Is it going to be a schatzi?

0:26:280:26:29

GROWLS

0:26:290:26:32

THUDDING

0:26:320:26:35

ZAPPING Oh, sorry about that.

0:26:390:26:44

-Sorry about that.

-Cyril went nuts.

0:26:440:26:48

Sorry, we've got a child that I'm sure is OK. That's not terminal.

0:26:480:26:54

-And a stunned clown.

-Yes.

-But the good news is,

0:26:540:26:56

-ladies and gentlemen...

-FANFARE

0:26:560:26:59

..that the master of the hoop and the winner is Kayleigh!

0:26:590:27:03

CHEERING Kayleigh!

0:27:030:27:05

Kayleigh!

0:27:050:27:08

Well done.

0:27:080:27:10

THUDDING AND CACKLING

0:27:100:27:13

Oh, no! Kayleigh's been turned into a kid clown!

0:27:230:27:27

Oh, well, I suppose it means you might as well join our carnival!

0:27:270:27:31

-BOTH:

-For ever!

0:27:310:27:32

-Here you are, have that!

-Right, that's it!

0:27:320:27:35

That's the end of Hoopla! for today.

0:27:350:27:36

Thank you very much to our wonderful guests. We had DDF.

0:27:360:27:40

-We had Carly Smallman.

-We had them all here on Hoopla!

0:27:400:27:45

-Lula Loop and Twenty Twenty!

-Thank you very much.

0:27:450:27:47

Not forgetting the Poo Brothers.

0:27:470:27:49

And also everyone from Bom-Bom B-Bom-Bom Bishop.

0:27:490:27:53

Who knows, next time the Hoopla! might be coming to your town.

0:27:530:27:56

-BOTH:

-Hoopla!

-AUDIENCE:

-Hoopla!

0:27:560:27:58

CHEERING

0:27:580:28:00

'Dick and Dom would like to point out

0:28:030:28:06

that Molly has made a full recovery since her encounter with Cyril

0:28:060:28:09

and regularly throws come-dressed-as-a-gorilla parties.

0:28:090:28:13

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