Episode 3 Dick and Dom's Hoopla

Hoopla!

# Fire up the van and hit the open road

# We're putting on a show from a travelling abode

# Fabulous feats that are crazy and colourful

# Prepare to be amazed by the weird and the wonderful

# Hoopla

# Everybody shout Hoopla

# All together now, Hoopla

# Everybody loves Hoopla

# They'll be magic, mayhem Mystery, suspense

# Prizes, surprises It's going to be immense

# From Matlock to Margate Pontefract to Perth

# It's simply going to be the greatest show on Earth

# Hoopla

# Everybody shout Hoopla

# All together now, Hoopla

# Everybody loves Hoopla. #

DOORBELL RINGS

-Hoopla! AUDIENCE:

-Hoopla!

# Standing on a corner Watching all the girls go by

# Standing on the corner Giving all the girls the eye... #

APPLAUSE

MUSIC PLAYS

APPLAUSE

MUSIC PLAYS

APPLAUSE

'Hammer time.'

# Go with the funk it's said

# If you can't groove You probably dead

# So wave your hands in the air

# Run your fingers through your hair

# This is it for a winner

# Dance to this and you're going to get thinner... #

# You're here There's nothing I fear... #

The Golden Hoopla is at stake in Dom-Ball. How are you feeling, Dom?

PRRRPPT!

-Let's meet the teams. Who are you?

-Megan.

-And who are you over here?

-Mark.

-This team are called Meat.

-Who are you?

-Rich.

-And who have you got with you?

-Ben.

-You're Veg.

It's Meat versus Veg.

You've got 90 seconds in total, in which to get Dom over the line.

If you do, you get one point! Here's the commentators, Brian and John.

Let's play Dom-Ball!

WHISTLE BLOWS

Well, here we go. Another tremendous start there,

-both teams.

-No, I'd like to disagree with you there, John.

It's not a tremendous start, is it? The tactics are not working.

I don't think anybody's going to win this today.

Now there's a break - a break for Meat.

And a retaliation immediately from Veg.

The formation here is not really working.

I'd like to see the Dom-Ball

being brought wide down the flanks, using the width.

Well, Megan there for the Meat is just trying to get...

And they're both getting a push on him. Surely over the line?

I don't think it is. Not quite over the line yet.

Very good defending. What Veg has managed to do

-is get men back.

-Yes.

-And they've parked the bus.

-Yes.

-They've certainly parked the car.

WHISTLE BLOWS, KLAXON BLARES

That's the power down.

You see it's very interesting,

but they need to use more width.

-Why don't you just shut up?

-The Dom-Ball's free,

let's see what they can do now. Off we go.

Here we go again. Dom-Ball's in the middle.

This is a very good restart.

Oh, that's... Was it over the line?

-It's over the line.

-It's over the line.

Well, that is...

-WHISTLE BLOWS

-That is a goal.

-That is a goal.

-So, that's, er, Reds, isn't it?

-Yes, here we go.

-Interesting to see if Veg gets back into this.

-Let's see. Let's see.

-WHISTLE BLOWS

-I don't know.

-I don't know whether they've got the gumption.

-Can Veg claw it back?

Well, again, it's a strong start from Meat, isn't it?

-They're aggressive, they really are.

-They are.

-I'm rather excited by it.

It's come to a bit of a grinding halt down at the flanks again.

Well, you know... That's full time.

KLAXON BLARES, WHISTLE BLOWS

APPLAUSE

MUSIC PLAYS

# Mister, your eyes are full of hesitation

# It makes me wonder Do you know what you're looking for?

# Maybe he wants to keep his reputation

# He's a sensation

# You try him once You'll beg for more

# Oh, yes, sir, he can boogie

# But he needs a certain song

# He can boogie Boogie woogie all night long

# Oh, yes, sir, he can boogie

# If you stay, you can't go wrong

# He can boogie Boogie woogie all night long... #

Well, wasn't that horrific?

I think we can all take away something from that,

like a horrific memory or two.

MUSIC PLAYS

# We were very happy Well, at least I though we were

# Can somebody tell me what got into her?

# We'd a house and a home and a family

# And a man that loved her so

# Who'd believe she'd leave us to join a... #

-Hoopla!

-# ..show?

# Whoa, say, has anybody seen my sweet Gypsy rose?

# Here's a picture when she was my sweet Mary Joan

# Now she's got rings on her fingers and bells on her toes

# Say, has anybody seen my sweet Gypsy rose? #

Here I am! Hiya! CHEERING

Hiya! And I'm Gypsy Rose Dick.

Some people like to call me GYP-sy Rose Dick.

So-called because of...

You're all right. It were a bhoona last night. It's settling now.

Ooh, look at this! We've got a young 'un and an oldie!

-Hiya. What's your name?

-Issie.

-And who are you?

-Jackie.

-Jackie. We'll play the game

and all will be revealed, all right? I'm going to do me rhyme first.

Cards, cards, bring us luck.

If you don't, I might chuck.

GAGS

Oh, it's like having seconds.

LAUGHTER

That peshwari were lovely last night. Right then, Issie, you go first.

Which one are you having? Show it to them at home what you've got.

Put it the right way up so we can read it.

Rice pudding! Lovely. Let me get it out me cupboard. 'Ere we are!

Rice pudding. Right then, Jackie.

You've ten seconds to eat as many spoonfuls of rice pudding as you can.

But you've got to swallow 'em! All right? Here we go.

Swallowed it.

Two. Three. Four. Five.

Six!

She got six! Jackie, nice one.

So that means, Issie, you get

six dollops of this in your lush pint.

Three, four, five, six.

Right then, Jackie, it's your go. Pick your card.

What have you got? Show everyone at home.

Show them down there. What is it? Jelly!

Lovely. Let's get the jelly. Where is it? Jelly.

Here you are. Right then, Issie,

ten seconds to eat as many spoonfuls as you can.

Make sure you swallow.

Off you go!

One.

Two.

-'Stop it!'

-Stop!

She got two. Right then, Jackie, two of these in your lush pint.

Ooh, don't that look lovely?

There you are. Marvellous.

Right. OK, then,

Issie, back to you. Ready to pick a card. Let's shuffle them up a bit.

Cards, cards, bring us luck. If you don't, I might chuck!

GAGGING AND SPLOSHING

Bweurgh! Wheurgh! SPLOSH!

Eurgh! That were a bad 'un.

LAUGHTER

Go on, then, Issie. Off you go. What you got?

Pickle! Lovely.

Pickle. You like pickle, don't you? You know what to do.

Off you go. Make sure you swallow.

One. Two.

They're little 'uns, aren't they?

LAUGHTER

Three. Four!

'Stop it!'

Have you swallowed it?

She has. Four! Four pickles in there.

We'll do a couple of little ones cos you only had mini ones.

Four, there you are!

Nice. Right then, OK, Jackie, your turn to pick a card.

Show everyone at home.

What is it? Let me have a look. Sour cream and chive dip!

How nice! Here you are. Issie, you know what to do. Be sure to swallow.

Off you go. One.

Swallow it then. Two.

She's not doing so good, Issie, is she? Didn't you like it?

It's my favourite, that.

Right then, that means two of these go in your lush pint.

There you are. Look at that. That's a nice little mixture coming up there.

Coming up a treat, that. Right then, Issie, back to you.

Cards, cards, bring us luck. If you don't, I might chuck.

Gargh! What the... Whoop!

GAGGING AND SPLOSHING

Whoop! Whoop!

It's gone in me hair now.

LAUGHTER

Where were we? You pick it, then. Come on.

What is it? What have you got?

Cold baked beans.

Always a treat! Now then, Jackie. Swallow them. Ten seconds start now.

One. This is a woman that loves her food, I think.

Three. Four.

-'Stop it!'

-Five! Your pint's really coming together 'ere, Issie.

One, two, three, four. Ooh, it's nearly full up! Five! It's floating!

Right, we're nearly at the end.

OK, Issie, your go.

Cards, cards, bring us luck. If you don't, I might chuck.

Whoa! Whoop!

GAGGING AND SPLOSHING

Will you clean that up?

All right, pick your card. Ooh...

LAUGHTER

Me chair's bust! INDISTINCT

Right, pick it, then!

Show them at home. What have you got?

Ketchup. I can't... Can you get the ketchup, Jackie?

LAUGHTER

I'm stuck. Too much bhoona last night.

Right, 'ere, you know what to do.

Ten seconds. Off you go.

How many 'ave you 'ad?

-Four?

-'Stop it!'

-Time's up. We'll give you five.

'Ere you are, give me your pint. One, two, three, four, five.

Right, then. I mean, that's it.

It's time to get out!

-Hold on, I'll get you out.

-Please, love.

-OK. Cor.

-Actually, I'm stuck.

LAUGHTER

Stop that, will ya?

-What?

-I'm out.

-All right.

-You two, hold on to them pints tightly.

Hold on to your lush pint.

I'm going to get out my rapid mystic mixers - seven speeds,

I like 'em on full pelt! 'Ere we go! What we're going to do,

we're going to churn them up and you've got to down 'em.

The one that gets below the line is the winner.

When you've drunk it, stick it on top of your 'ead!

All right, let's mix.

WHIZZING

GRUNTS WITH EFFORT

Oh, right. Yours is stuck in it! Ready?

Down 'em!

Think we know who's going to win this.

Put it on your 'ead.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Sorry, Issie. Did you enjoy that?

Take it with you,

a little present for you. Give Issie a round of applause.

Come with me.

I know it's your nice new frock and it's got dribbly bits all over it.

Let's go over 'ere. You know what this means,

don't you? Right, you've won a Golden Hoop Loop!

And now you've got 20 seconds in which to...hoopla!

JOLLY MUSIC PLAYS

GIBBERS

I'm all dishevelled after that. Never been stuck in a chair before.

Hello there, what's your name?

-Kayleigh.

-Kayleigh, is it too late to say I'm sorry? Mm-hm-mmm.

Kayleigh, do you spook easily?

-Yeah.

-You do spook easily!

This is going to be fun, isn't it? Well, I've got a question for you.

Which of these is the spookiest sound effect? Number one - whooo?

Number two - aaargh! Number three - Martin! Martin! Put it back down!

-Two.

-Two? Oh, you think the growling? Fair enough.

Let's see how she fares inside there. Are you ready for a scare?

-Yeah.

-Remember, when you go through the doors,

don't...touch...your helmet!

All right, off you go. Bye-bye. Toodle-oodle-oo.

No cheating! No cheating! Robert cheated - was a cheat!

WHIRRING, WHIZZING AND SCREAMING

I hope she's not cheating in there, I don't like a cheat.

You must eat all your broccoli and onions!

CACKLING

KLAXON BLARES, SCREAMING

-YELLING AND CACKLING

-Hello, mother.

GROWLING

CACKLING Boo-hoo-hoo!

Oh, what's the matter, little girl?

CACKLING

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh...

Oh, now then, now then, just step this way, Robert, a second for me.

-Next to Gabriel.

-Come over here.

-Come over, Kayleigh.

Come on, step out.

Ooh, it's so spooky! Come on, out you get.

Ah.

-Gabriel?

-Yes.

-Was there any cheating in there?

-I don't think so, Master.

She had here hands there, but I don't think she touched her helmet.

Very good, Gabriel. Thank you for observing that. Ooh!

2.5 to beat and you have 5 of your Earth centimetres!

CHEERING

Which means that Kayleigh is the winner

and she needs to do some hooplaing.

Where's my Golden Hoop? Oh, my word, it's over here!

Ooh, dearie me, I'm so sorry! Here's the Golden Hoop Hoopla!

Please, Kayleigh, stand down there. Don't slip up.

And while you hoopla, I shall sing a lovely song. Are you ready?

Ready to hoopla? Now!

# Gimme that, gimme that Gimme, gimme, gimme that

# Gimme that thing, gimme that Gimme, gimme that

# Gimme that, gimme that Gimme, gimme that

# Gimme, gimme, gimme that ding. #

-Well, that was absolutely lovely.

-That was better.

# Hoopla! #

Now, the next round is called The Best In The World

where we have to try and find out which one of you

-is best at doing things that we tell you to do.

-Let's have the music!

Crank it up!

# I am the best in the world The best in the world

# The very best at... #

-A fish out of water, Mark.

-Be a fish out of water.

Er, no.

-Oh, he's gone on the floor.

-He's down.

-What's he doing?

-What are you doing?

Who's next? Molly, be a fish out of water.

-You can stop now, Mark.

-Right.

Ooh, it's good.

-She's gone for the face down one.

-It's nearly the snake.

-It's pretty good.

-Next, please.

-All right, Kayleigh, off you go.

Kayleigh.

Oh, alternating hands. A bit more flappy and wet.

-OK, stop!

-# I am the best in the world

# The best in the world The very best at... #

Mark, you've got to be the best at pretending that you've

-lost your wallet and then found it again.

-Go.

-Oh.

-'Next one, please.'

-Molly.

-Molly.

Where's it gone? Where is it?

-She's playing pat-a-cake on her legs.

-She found it!

-'Next!'

-Kayleigh.

-Kayleigh.

-Oh, no, she's in despair.

-Oh, no.

-She can't believe it. She's looking round the tubs of water.

-Ah!

Ah, she's found her wallet. OK, that's the end of that. Well done.

# I am the best in the world The best in the world

# The very best at... #

Having a fish bone stuck in your throat.

-Ooh.

-COUGHS

Ooh, he got it.

-He's got it out.

-'Next!'

COUGHS AND GAGS

-She's giving it.

-She's got it.

-'Next!'

-This is to win, remember. You've got to really sell it.

COUGHS AND GAGS

Oh, she's got it. There we go.

And that concludes our round.

# I was the best in the world The best thing ever

# The best thing ever

# The best thing in the world. #

-Isn't it lovely?

-Over to Mike Poo and your fellow judges.

-Scores for Mark, please.

-All right. Scores for Mark. Here we go.

Was he the best in the world?

-20 points!

-Scores for Molly, please!

Was she the best in the world at everything we told her to do?

-Hold them up.

-Here we go.

27!

27, so we've got a score of 20 and 27.

If you get above 20, you and Molly are through.

-Let's have a look!

-Judges. Oh, it's an out-and-out win.

CHEERING

30 points. That means...

So, I'm afraid, Mark, you're going to ride the lion with no pride.

CHEERING AND CACKLING

-Let it go.

-CARNIVAL MUSIC

It's time for the finale of the Finaleval!

CHEERING

This final round is called A Binful of Cyril.

We have eight bins here. In seven of them are little schatzis.

-Treasure.

-Treasure.

-Prizes for you.

Mmm. But in one of them there is a very, very wrong clown called Cyril.

If either of you find the clown, you lose and the other one wins.

The person who's going to go first is Kayleigh

cos she got the highest score in the last round.

So, Molly, stand back here.

Now, Kayleigh.

Think carefully, this could be the difference between being terrified

by our scary clown or winning the best prizes on television!

-Yes.

-Which number would you like to go for?

-One.

-Number one!

Kayleigh, slowly but confidently.

GULPS

What's in there? A rubber duck, ladies and gentlemen! Look at that!

-You've got a schatzi, Kayleigh!

-The best prizes in the world.

Molly, step forward. Seven bins left. Which number are you going to go for?

Four.

-Number four she's going for.

-So, good luck.

Oh... Oooh!

-What is it?

-It's a dummy, everybody. Oh, well done.

-Look a that!

The best prizes on children's television today.

So, Kayleigh, which bin would you like to choose next?

-Eight.

-Number eight.

-Eight.

Off you go.

We've given away a rubber duck and a dummy. Will it be a clown?

Will she lose? Is she going to lose?

-What is it?

-BOTH: A lollipop!

-A lollipop!

-Treasure all the way!

-Well done.

Molly, right, we're nearly there. Not many bins left.

-Which one are you going to go for now?

-Seven.

-Seven!

-Here she goes. What's it going to be?

-Here we go.

Is it going to be a schatzi?

GROWLS

THUDDING

ZAPPING Oh, sorry about that.

-Sorry about that.

-Cyril went nuts.

Sorry, we've got a child that I'm sure is OK. That's not terminal.

-And a stunned clown.

-Yes.

-But the good news is,

-ladies and gentlemen...

-FANFARE

..that the master of the hoop and the winner is Kayleigh!

CHEERING Kayleigh!

Kayleigh!

Well done.

THUDDING AND CACKLING

Oh, no! Kayleigh's been turned into a kid clown!

Oh, well, I suppose it means you might as well join our carnival!

-BOTH:

-For ever!

-Here you are, have that!

-Right, that's it!

That's the end of Hoopla! for today.

Thank you very much to our wonderful guests. We had DDF.

-We had Carly Smallman.

-We had them all here on Hoopla!

-Lula Loop and Twenty Twenty!

-Thank you very much.

Not forgetting the Poo Brothers.

And also everyone from Bom-Bom B-Bom-Bom Bishop.

Who knows, next time the Hoopla! might be coming to your town.

-BOTH:

-Hoopla!

-AUDIENCE:

-Hoopla!

CHEERING

'Dick and Dom would like to point out

that Molly has made a full recovery since her encounter with Cyril

and regularly throws come-dressed-as-a-gorilla parties.