Episode 7 Dick and Dom's Hoopla

Hoopla!

# Fire up the van and hit the open road

# We're putting on a show from a travelling abode

# Fabulous feats that are crazy and colourful

# Prepare to be amazed by the weird and the wonderful

# Hoopla! Everybody shout Hoopla!

# All together now Hoopla!

# Everybody loves Hoopla!

# There'll be magic, mayhem, mystery, suspense

# Prizes, surprises, it's going to be immense

# From Matlock to Margate, Pontefract to Perth

# It's simply going to be the greatest show on Earth

# Hoopla!

# Everybody shout Hoopla!

# All together now Hoopla!

# Everybody loves Hoopla! #

WIND WHISTLES

TWANG

Hoopla!

ALL: Hoopla!

Welcome to the show, today coming to you live-ish

from the town of Whoopy-Doo, famous for its luscious raspberries.

ALL BLOW RASPBERRIES

Yeah, welcome. Welcome, one and all, to the show

-full of surprises like this!

-Ugh!

-Crank it up, Rodney.

-Look, the Pooh Brothers have joined us.

-Illuminate!

-Let's see who's on the show.

We have got the absurdly funny Raymond and Mr Timpkins.

# That's me in the corner... #

He can read your mind, it's Mike McClean!

There is a piece of paper. Take out... Your clean hand.

Other one. No, you were right the first time.

You'll love this new girl band. They're called Vida.

# Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom

# Yeah, you make me go boom, ba-boom, ba-boom-boom... #

But let's start the proceedings.

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and twirls, it's Acrojou!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Holy water

# Cannot help you now

# A thousand armies

# Couldn't keep me out

# I don't want your money

# I don't want your crown

# See, I've come to burn your... #

APPLAUSE

# Your kingdom down

# Holy water

# Cannot help you now... #

APPLAUSE

# See, I've come to burn...

# Your kingdom down

# And no rivers and no lakes

# Can put the fire out

# I'm gonna raise the stakes

# I'm gonna smoke you out

# Seven devils all around me... #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Seven devils in my house

# See, they were there when I woke up this morning

# I'll be dead before the day is done

# Seven devils all around you

# Seven devils in your house

# See, I was dead when I woke up this morning

# And I'll be dead before the day is done... #

APPLAUSE

# Before the day is done

# They can keep me high

# Till I tear the walls

# Till I save your heart

# And to take your soul

# What have we done?

# Can it be undone...? #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hoopla!

Now tell us what you thought about that in a French accent.

FRENCH ACCENT: Well, I think that was very good.

And it was very nice to see people doing somersaults.

And, er, c'est... Oui.

Was that good?

Bon?

Now it's time for this.

The road to the Finaleval starts with Game One -

the Champion of the Hoop!

CHEERING # Hoopla! #

Welcome to the Champion of the Hoop!

Here we have the current title holder, Mr Richard Dick McCourt!

CHEERING

This man has the strength of a thousand...

a thousand amoebas!

LAUGHTER

He has got the only pectoral muscles that can do something very special.

They do this.

BOING

BOING

BOING-BOING-BOING-BOING-NGNGNG

LAUGHTER

He hasn't got a six-pack.

He's got a one-pack!

It looks like a swollen-outy belly button and it does this.

GIBBERING SOUNDS

BOING-BOING-BOING

GIBBERING, BOING

LAUGHTER

We need a challenger to take on the Mighty Dick.

We need someone that can match his strength and stamina.

But who will take him on?

ALL: Me!

I choose someone that can match him.

It's you!

Come up here. Give her a big round of applause!

APPLAUSE

Calm it. Just calm, calm.

-OK, Maisie, what's your name?

-Maisie.

-Lovely.

-Do you think you can take this on?

-Yeah.

-All right then, OK.

Now, over here we have the personal trainer to the stars...producers.

This is Lewis.

APPLAUSE

Lewis will set a load of challenges you've got to do against each other.

The one who scores the most points shall get the Golden Hoop

and go through to the Finaleval. Lewis, what is the first challenge?

First, it's the Star Jump Challenge.

For thick people watching, please can you demonstrate a star jump?

That is the perfect star jump, ladies and gentlemen.

We're going to give them 20 seconds to try and do as many as they can.

So let's start with Maisie.

Maisie, 20 seconds. Lewis will be counting. Your time starts now.

-Come on!

-SHOUTS OF ENCOURAGEMENT

Stop! Well done, Maisie.

So, Lewis...

-How many star jumps did Maisie manage to do?

-36 star jumps.

-36!

-APPLAUSE

More than one a second.

36. And now let's bring on the contender, the current title holder.

It's Dick. Yes, he looks like he's just finished breast-feeding.

Nothing in there. OK...

20 seconds. Come on, mate, your time starts now.

Come on!

AUDIENCE CLAP ALONG

Come on!

Come on!

Come on!

You had problems with the, uh...co-ordination there!

It's a lot for him to do. How many proper ones did he do?

29 good star jumps.

-29, so...

-APPLAUSE AND JEERING

So let's just find out if he's got any final words on that.

-Chips.

-Chips, brilliant, OK.

Lewis, what's the next challenge?

Next, it's the Burpee Challenge.

For the thick people watching, what is a burpee?

OK, brilliant. Both of you together this time, get down on the floor.

-Oh...

-Shut up!

-LAUGHTER

OK, you've got 30 seconds to do this and your time starts now. Go!

-Come on!

-BURPING SOUNDS

Come on!

How many is that?

Come on!

Come on!

Stop! Stop what you're doing.

So let's find out.

Well, I can tell you now that Dick managed to do a total of...

12 burpees, ladies and gentlemen!

APPLAUSE

I've got to tell you, 12 in 30 seconds,

-that's actually awful!

-LAUGHTER

OK. Lewis?

-Maisie scored 18 good burpees.

-18!

APPLAUSE

So, Lewis, we approach the final round. What is it?

It's the Sit-Up Challenge.

Now, a sit-up, what's that?

Oh, OK. Very good, OK, so that's a sit-up.

Dick last did a sit-up when he was in bed and saw a cake on his knees.

Lie on the floor, please, both of you.

Richard needs to do 14 more sit-ups than Maisie in order to win.

All right then, in your lying down positions...

And your time, 20 seconds, starts now.

Come on!

SHOUTS OF ENCOURAGEMENT

Stop! Stop what we're doing, OK?

Time is up.

So I can now confirm that after that round,

Dick managed to do 10 sit-ups.

OK? And Maisie managed to do...?

-21.

-21!

-APPLAUSE

We have a winner. There we go, Maisie is the winner of the hoop.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Put it on and... Hoopla!

APPLAUSE

JINGLE PLAYS

BOING-BOING

"BOING" SOUNDS IN RHYTHM WITH TUNE

BOING-BOING

Well done. Take her off to the Finaleval.

We'll see you at the end of the show. Well done.

And now prepare to be amazed!

GIBBERING SOUNDS

GIBBERING SOUNDS

Beware!

Beware! Beware!

And hello! Hello!

Hello!

I, the great Doctor Do-Nothing, have braved the seven seas of Persia,

the desert wilderness of Mesopotamia

and the retirement homes of Berwick-upon-Tweed

to bring you my latest curio.

CLUCKING

Have you ever stared certain death in the face like this?

I have and now you will too,

for caged behind this screen is nature's greatest abomination,

the man-eating chicken!

CLUCKING

Control your fear.

Face down your terror.

Stop that little bit of wee from coming out.

Be under no illusions. We cannot guarantee your safety.

The man-eating chicken devours all...

Aagh! Aagh! Aaaagh!

Just joking. I'm fine!

No, seriously, those of a nervous disposition, leave now.

Bye, Mum!

And brace yourselves as I pull back the protective curtain

to reveal the man...eating...chicken!

LAUGHTER

Hmm, I love chicken, I do. Yum-yum!

Well, I promised you a man eating chicken and here he is -

-a man eating chicken!

-Lovely chicken.

Yum-yum-yum!

Two men eating chicken!

LAUGHTER

Some people are never satisfied. No refunds.

Well, wasn't that marvellous?

Now, ladies and gentlemen, the Hoopla continues outside.

CHEERFUL JINGLE PLAYS

'It's Hoopla game number two!

'Beware the Hand of Cackamanga!'

# Hoopla! #

One of this lot will win a Golden Hoopla Hoop and join us

in our great and glorious Finaleval,

but only if they steer clear of...

BOTH: ..the Hand of Cackamanga!

If you get marked, you're out. The last man standing is the winner.

-Are you ready?

-ALL: Leave us alone!

Cackamanga!

SHOUTS OF ENCOURAGEMENT

# Don't look round till victory is found

# It's the Hand of Cackamanga

# The bumper cars, they can't go very fast

# But they're good for Cackamanga

# You weren't fast enough, so you're out

# That's tough

# The Hand of Cackamanga... #

Oi, come on!

# Oh, yeah Come on, they'll all be gone

# Smack you, Cackamanga

# Red number four's out the door

# Out, out, Cackamanga

# This kid's got Cackamanga

# You can smile all you like, but get on your bike, bye-bye

# You've lost, Cackamanga

# You drive like a mad dog

# He gave you the Cackamanga

# Yeah, yeah, Cackamanga

# Your driving, it was trash

# Out of the game now you must pass

# Cack-Cack, Cackamanga

# Cack-Cack, Cackamanga

# More cack on the Hand of Cackamanga

# Cack-Cack, Cackamanga... #

SCREAMING

# We have a winner! #

We have a winner!

The winner, ladies and gentlemen. Come on over.

-You didn't get smeared in Cackamanga juice.

-The winner is Claire!

That means you have 20 seconds in which to Hoopla!

JINGLE PLAYS

We'll do it with you.

Right, kids, come along, come along.

Take her off to the Finaleval. Bye!

And now be astounded by the memory of Mike McClean!

CHEERING Thank you very much.

Thank you very much indeed.

Please...

Save it for the end. I've got a weak finish.

I'll do a bit of mind-reading. I need somebody with a sense of humour.

The gentleman there that's swapped fashion for comfort.

Give him a big round of applause!

APPLAUSE

Nice to meet you.

Stand over there. That's it, where the trapdoor is. Lovely.

You've got a lot of money, but you don't spend it on your clothes.

-What's your name?

-Paul.

-Correct.

Think of a holiday. Just think of where you're going on holiday.

Anywhere in the world that you'd like to go. Where would you go?

-Florida.

-Florida, OK.

Now, going to Florida, you have to take some money with you.

And I can tell, like I said, you've got a lot of money.

-How much would you take to Florida?

-Ten and a half thousand pounds.

Ten and a half thousand pounds?

-LAUGHTER

-It's a long holiday.

It had better be a long holiday.

I'll put 10½... I don't know. ..thousand pounds. I don't know.

Ten and a half thousand pounds. Have you got a mobile?

-Yes.

-Think of the last four numbers of that mobile phone.

-Get them in your head. Got it?

-Yeah.

OK, you've got the last four numbers of your mobile phone. What are they?

0332.

0...3...3...2.

Behind me is a box. You've probably seen it.

It's been there throughout this demonstration of mind-reading.

I'll place it on here. Inside here is something that's very special.

If I open it up, you will see that I have got... If I can get it out...

There it is, a tube.

A tube.

Inside there is a piece of paper.

Take it out. Clean hand. Other one.

No, you were right the first time.

Take that there. Open it up.

All I want you to do is read out what it says.

-"Mike McClean..."

-Whoa, that's me!

CHEERING

I've come a long way for that. Go on, you do the rest.

"..predicts that a member of the audience will choose:

-"Holiday..."

-You said Florida. I said...?

-Florida.

APPLAUSE

"Money - £10,500."

APPLAUSE

And the last four numbers of your mobile?

-"0332."

-And yours is 0332!

CHEERING

"Florida, £10,500, 0332."

Thank you very much indeed. Thank you.

APPLAUSE

Come here, come here.

And now tell us what you thought of that through the art of mime.

And now let's see what's coming up on the rest of today's Hoopla!

'Yes, plenty more tip-top, big top, top hat entertainment to come

'from Vida and Raymond and Mr Timpkins,

'plus loads more Hoopla style games before that all-important Finaleval

'where one lucky winner will receive a prize that money just cannot buy!'

# We were very happy

# Well, at least I thought we were

# Can somebody tell me

# What got into her?

# We had a house and a home and a family

# And a man that loved her so

# Who'd believe she'd leave us to join a...

-# Hoopla!

-..show?

# Whoa, say, has anybody seen my sweet Gypsy Rose?

# Here's a picture when she was my sweet Mary-Jo

# Now she's got rings on her fingers and bells on her toes

# Say, has anybody seen my sweet Gypsy Rose? #

-Here I am!

-RIPPING SOUND

There go me knick-knacks! Hiya. I'm Gypsy Rose Dick.

Some people call me "GIP-sy" Rose Dick, so called because...

BLEUGGHH!

These are Dick's cards of fate.

Let's have a look at what's on offer today. Oh, God, bit of... Oh!

BLEUGGHH!

At the end of this, someone will win another Golden Hoopla Hoop.

ALL: Ooh!

Every week, I show you the hoop

and all you do is give that sarcastic "ooh"!

Show me some respect, will you?!

ALL: Sorry.

It's all right. Let's meet the contestants. Two fellas today.

It's Milo and Robin. Sit down here. Give them a round of applause.

Lovely. That's better. Here they are.

-Boys, are you ready for this?

-Yeah.

-Robin, you go first.

I'll just do my little rhyme.

Cards, cards, you're full of muck, when they eat it, they may chuck!

-BLEUGGHH!

-Lovely.

On you go, Robin. Show everyone at home what you've got.

Right way up. That's it. Peanut butter. Let's find that.

Milo, you've got ten seconds to eat as many spoonfuls as you can. Go!

Remember to swallow it.

One... Isn't it nice?

Two... Oh, no, one.

He's had to think about the second one.

-'Stop it!'

-Oh, oh, oh! There is a bucket down there, love.

Are you going to swallow it? It's only peanut butter. Make a decision!

That counts as one, Milo. It was one and a little smidge, weren't it?

-Do you like peanut butter, Robin?

-No.

-You've got it in your lush pint.

There you are. Right then, Milo, your turn to pick.

Cards, cards, you're full of muck, if they eat it, they may chuck!

BLEUGGHH! BLEUGGHH!

Oh, it's the same colour as your hair!

LAUGHTER

He's got peanut butter on his cheek. It's not glue, it's peanut butter!

Show everyone what Robin's going to eat now.

-Soggy Corn Flakes.

-Lovely. Right, Robin, your ten seconds start now.

Off you go. Will he like them? One...

Two. He likes them, you see, Milo.

Three.

-Can he do four?

-'Stop it!'

-Can you swallow that?

He's a good lad. There you go, Robin.

-Do you like soggy Corn Flakes, Milo?

-Yeah.

-One, two, three...

Was it four you did? Yeah.

Four! Lovely. That's looking nice already.

Right, back to you, Robin. You pick. Let's get rid of these ones.

Cards, cards, you're full of muck, if they eat it, they may chuck!

He's got none left in him!

Pick a card. What have you got? Cold mash potato.

Everything's cold today! My microwave's bust. Here you go, Milo.

Your ten seconds start now. One. He's trying to get back into it now.

Oh, no. Two.

It's only the finest mash potato used here. Two.

-Can you do...?

-'Stop it!'

-Two and a bit. Are you going to swallow it?

Go on then. Do you eat like this at home?

It'd take all night to have tea at his house. Manners! Come on, Milo!

Lovely. I've made all this delicious food for you.

One and a bit. Was it two and a bit? There's two and there's your bit.

Mix that up. Lovely. Do you like the look of that, Robin?

Peanut butter and cold mash potato!

Cards, cards, you're full of muck, if they eat it, they may chuck!

-Show everyone at home what you've got.

-Sweet...corn.

Sweet...corn. Right. Two words in your book, is it?

Here you are, Robin. Ten seconds start now.

One. Two.

Nice, crisp, fresh sweetcorn. Two.

Three.

-'Stop it!'

-Time's up. Can you swallow it?

You did three. One...

Yes! Two. That's two gone. Three down. Three down. Lovely.

-What do you make of that then, Milo?

-It's OK.

I wouldn't say that. Right, Robin.

Cards, cards, you're full of muck, if they eat it, they may chuck!

-BLEUGGHH!

-He's got it, he hasn't.

Come on, pick a card. Show everyone what you've got.

Chocolate mousse.

That's a bit nicer for you. Where's the chocolate mousse? Here it is.

It's very dark brown. Your ten seconds start now. Go!

One... Two.

Three. Four.

He likes this. Five. Six. Seven.

-Eight.

-'Stop it!'

-We found something that he likes - chocolate mousse!

Eight spoonfuls of that into there.

One, two, three, four,

five, six, seven, eight.

Do you like that? Look at that.

-ALL: Eugh!

-Back to you then, Milo, to pick.

Cards, cards, you're full of muck, if they eat it, they may chuck!

-BLEUGGHH!

-Straight down. Go on, pick a card.

The last card of the game.

-What have you got?

-Mint sauce.

Mint sauce. Minty, fresh, vinegary, nice, lovely.

There you are, Robin. I'll give your spoon a clean.

Your ten seconds start now.

-One...

-Eugh!

A bit tart, is it?

-Two.

-Eugh!

-It is, isn't it? It's getting his taste buds.

-You need a bit of lamb with it, don't you?

-'Stop it!'

He's got two in, but can he swallow it?

Oh, lovely!

So, one, two... That'll add a bit of flavour, Milo.

At the end of the game, we've got two full lush pints.

I'll get out my mystic mixers

and give 'em a nice churn together to make it taste even better.

ENGINE REVS

Right, let me tell you what you've got in your pint before you down it.

Robin, you've got peanut butter,

cold mash potato and chocolate mousse.

Milo, you've got Corn Flakes, sweetcorn and mint sauce.

What a smoothie! Right then, are you ready?

The first person to down it and put the empty glass

on their head is the winner. Go!

They're both having trouble here.

Is it the mint sauce you don't like? You've got chocolate mousse in that!

Come on, lads, it's the news at six o'clock!

We haven't got all day for it!

People want to turn over to Coronation Street in a bit. Come on!

Get it down to the red line!

The first one to do it wins. You get a place in the Finaleval.

There's a Golden Hoopla Hoop at stake.

Look!

You can win the best prizes on British TV in the Finaleval!

-I feel sick.

-Get it down your necks! Drink it!

I don't want to see you any longer. Now come on!

Drink the stuff!

-LAUGHTER

-Get that in you!

Here you are, I'll give it another whisk.

ENGINE REVS

Now it's juicy. Get it down...

-Get up! Get up!

-What are you doing!?

-Keep drinking!

-Oh!

Seriously!

He's nearly there! He's done it! Put it on your head!

Put it on your head! On your head!

Not that way up!

-Not that way!

-You've got it on your head!

Look - we have a winner!

It's Milo. Give him a round of applause. He did well.

You can take that with you. But you...

You come over to this corner.

Milo, you're coming to the carnival,

but first you've got 20 seconds to do hoopla!

-CHEERING

-We'll move this out your way.

Come on!

I'm done, me. 'What am I doing here?

'I can't believe my life has come to this.

'Sixty-five years of being a gypsy...

'and look at me. I mean, look at me!

'Where's Dom? Doesn't he come in now?'

Right! Enough of all this nonsense. It's time to play some music.

You'll want to play the bum bongos! It's Vida!

# Boom-ba-boom-ba-boom It makes me go

# Boom-ba-ba-boom-boom-boom

# Boom-ba-boom-ba-boom-boom Boombox

# Wi-yo

# Ay

# Ay

# Boombox Never go anywhere without my...

# Boombox Sitting here chillin' with my...

# Boombox Take a minute, listen to my boombox

# All the boys gather round Just to see my...boombox!

# Ain't no way you're gonna turn me down

# Love it when the speakers go kapow Boombox

# Everybody's looking at it They wish they had it

# Never heard anything this loud Boombox

# I wanna, wanna, wanna hear my boombox

# From the car to my room to the rooftops

# I wanna, wanna, wanna hear my boombox

# All I need is me and my boombox

# It makes me go boom-ba-ba-boom-boom-boom

# It makes me go boom-ba-boom-ba-boom-boom

# It makes me go boom-ba-ba-boom-boom-boom

# It makes me go boom-ba-boom-ba-boom-boom, boombox

# Walking down the street They follow my boombox

# Crazy for the beat Bopping to my boombox

# Underground train may be full Boombox

# See the taxi cabs as they pull up

# Ain't no way they're gonna turn me down

# Love it when the speakers go kapow

# Everybody's looking at it They wish they had it

# Never heard anything this loud Boombox

# I wanna, wanna, wanna hear my boombox

# From the car to my room to the rooftops

# I wanna, wanna, wanna hear my boombox

# All I need is me and my boombox

# It makes me go boom-ba-ba-boom-boom-boom

# Yeah, it makes me go boom-ba-boom-ba-boom-boom

# It makes me go boom-ba-ba-boom-boom-boom

# Are you ready?

# Boombox

# Love my boom, shake up the room It makes me bop, makes me slide

# Ride the beat I'm selfish, my boom's all mine

# Boomy, I love you long time Boombox

# I wanna, wanna, wanna hear my boombox

# From the car to my room to the rooftops

# I wanna, wanna, wanna hear my boombox

# All I need is me and my boombox

# Boom-ba-ba-boom-boom-boom

# It makes me go boom-ba-boom-ba-boom-boom

# Boom-ba-ba-boom-boom-boom Hoopla

# Down, down, down to my boombox

# Boombox

# Boombox

# Boombox

# Do what we do with your boombox! #

Well, that was terrific.

I've been working on a song myself for about three years.

# I've got a shoebox

# I keep birds' eggs in it and little knick-knacks... #

All right. Leave it out.

Who will be joining cavalier Claire, majestic Maisie and marvellous Milo

in our phenomenal finaleval?

Let's find out as we play Celebrity Darts!

Another golden Hoopla hoop is ready for one of these players.

Yes, Celebrity Darts. Throw darts at these celebrities

and if you get an object you win the points. Who's first?

You. Step up to the oche. Here are your darts.

Now nominate your celebrity. Who would you like to go for?

-Michael McIntyre.

-Michael, are you ready?

Yes, I'm ready! Make it quick!

OK, then. Off you go.

-Miss.

-Hahahaha!

Please do not try this at home!

Throwing a dart at a celebrity could lead to a charge

of actual bodily harm carrying a minimum sentence of six months.

In more serious cases, it's grievous bodily harm,

carrying a maximum sentence of life imprisonment. Let's play darts!

Lovely.

-Very nice of him.

-You hit the celebrity and that's very naughty,

-so apologise to Michael.

-Sorry!

That's all right. Don't worry.

Now you must answer this question. Michael, fire away.

What football team do I support? Ouch!

Is it a) Arsenal? b) Tottenham? Or c) Chelsea?

-Chelsea.

-Is incorrect! It's Tottenham!

-Sorry, Rohan.

-No points for you.

-Mandy, over you come.

You stand on the adult oche. Who's your celebrity?

-Em, Fearne Cotton.

-Fearne Cotton. Big fish, Fearne.

I'm puffed out. And it's past my bedtime.

Oh! You hit the celebrity! Say sorry to Fearne.

-Sorry, Fearne.

-That's all right.

-Here's a question for one point.

What did I want to be when I was a little girl?

a) A Vet? b) A doctor? Or c) An air hostess?

-An air hostess.

-Correct answer!

One point for Mandy!

There's your darts. Take care. Nominate a celebrity.

Em...

-Brian Cox.

-Brian Cox. With a cake on his head. Hi, Brian!

Hiya. I'm having a lovely time with a cake on my head.

Lovely. So, off you go.

-First dart.

-Oh, that's amazing.

Wow, that's brilliant.

-Right in the jaw!

-Aaargh!

-Apologise.

-Sorry, Brian.

-That's all right. Everything is brilliant.

All right. So Brian is now going to ask you a question for one point.

I have got a son whose middle name is Eagle. Is that true or false?

-False.

-It's incorrect. It's true!

-So close, Rohan.

-Back to you, Mandy. Pick a celebrity.

-Cheryl Cole.

-Cheryl Cole. Hi, Cheryl.

-Howay, pet. How are you?

-Go, go, go! ..Miss!

-Whoops.

-Right on the beltline!

-Is that because I'm worth it?

-Apologise to Cheryl.

-I'm so sorry, Cheryl.

-Here's your question for one point.

-Cheryl, for your own dignity...

Dom, you're really good to me. You always have been.

What was wor debut solo single called?

a) Fight For This Love? b) Spaceman? Or c) Stuck On You?

-The last one, whatever it was!

-Stuck On You?

-You're wrong, pet. Fight For This Love.

-Rohan, who will you go for?

-Em...Gary Barlow.

-Gary Barlow. Gary, are you ready for this?

-Yeah, let's fire away, man.

-OK.

Oh! Right on the pizza! Three points! Well done.

So now you've got three points.

This is your chance to double your points to a total of six

-if you answer this question.

-My mum has the same name

as which Simpsons character? Is it a) Lisa? Is it b) Marge?

I'm boring myself! Or is it c) Maggie?

-Marge.

-Eh, you're right, kid. That's spot on.

Six for Rohan!

-Pick a celebrity, Mandy.

-Madonna.

What's with the meringue, Madonna?

-What?

-Shut up. Forget it.

Hurry up!

-Aaaargh!

-Right in the armpit. Apologise.

-I'm sorry, Madonna.

-That is OK.

-Here's your question.

Name one of my four children.

Hurry up.

-Have a guess!

-No idea!

-No idea.

-Incorrect. You could have had Lourdes, Rocco, David or Mercy.

So there we are..

The totals are one for Mandy

-and the winner of the Golden Hoop is Rohan with six!

-Well done!

You now have 20 seconds in which to...Hoopla!

-All right, brilliant.

-See you at the finaleval!

-See you later.

-And now you'll love this one. Very funny music here.

From Raymond and Mr Timpkins!

Are you sitting comfortably? Then I'll begin.

# Do A deer, a female deer

# Re A drop of golden sun

# Me A name I call myself...

# Hello

# Is it me you're looking for...

# Don't, don't you want me...

# Take that look off your face...

# Everybody look at me, me...

# Look at me...

# Please release me

# Let me go...

# That's me in the corner...

# Don't touch me, please...

# You've got that look again...

PAVAROTTI SINGS IN ITALIAN

IT SOUNDS LIKE: # Elephants, yeah

# Wrote a letter was only the start of it...

# Sometimes you can't make it

# On your own...

# I'm so glad we made it...

# Do you really like it Do you really like it...

# I like it, I like it...

# And if you want it Come and get it

# For crying out loud...

# Bring it back...

# Where is the love

# Where is the love Where is the love...

# Hallelujah...

# Now that we've found love What are we gonna do with it...

# What's love got to do got to do with it...

# Hit me, baby, one more time...

# Turn your love around...

# Get down on it Get down on it...

# Oh, fat bottom...

# Shoes on my feet I bought 'em

# The clothes I'm wearing I bought 'em...

# I think I did it again...

# And who do you think you are

# Collecting your jar of hearts... #

Right. Sum that up using a word each.

-It.

-Was.

-Nanny nobnobs.

That's two words.

-A word each.

-Amazing.

-For.

-Well, it was a good idea on paper!

And now it's time for this...

Ladies and gentlemen, it's here, it's coming, it's...

Ladies and gentlemen, in the game you're about to see,

no men, women, children, clowns or ferrets were harmed.

-Not even a little teeny bit. Enjoy.

-The finaleval!

The climax for the show has arrived.

It's time for the finaleval!

Oh, yes, ladies and gentlemen! Here's the finalevalists. Claire!

And Milo!

And Rohan!

And Maisie!

But who is going to win?

Go back behind your podiums because it's time to start Round 1!

-# Hoopla! #

-Round 1 is called Brush Your Teeth. You have 30 seconds,

but you've really got to go for it. Froth it up!

-Make it all dribbly and wet!

-The more effort you put into it,

the more points you will get and they are judged by our panel.

-Hello!

-All right?

-Hello, Michael Pooh, how has your day been so far?

-Get on with it!

-Fine.

-30 seconds start now! Go!

Come on! Come on!

-That's it! Come on, then.

-Dribbling water.

-Come on, Claire!

-Who's going to win?

-Put your back into it!

-Cheer on your team!

-More water! More toothpaste!

-Squeeze it in your mouth.

-More toothpaste!

Four! Three! Two! One!

Stop!

Now there wasn't a lot of back being put into that.

No, not a lot of back at all.

Let's find out what the judges thought. Contestant one - Claire.

-Ready?

-Sevens and sixes.

-14...26.

-26.

-26 points for Claire.

-Not bad.

Milo. Points, please, judges.

-Four and nine...

-29!

29 points. Milo's in the lead so far.

-Next one, Rohan.

-OK, up we go.

Seven...eighteen...25!

25 points. So, at the moment, at the bottom of the pile

is Rohan. Let's have the points, please, for little Maisie.

-Eight...sixteen...

-28 points!

As Dom just said there, we all know

the loser of this round is Rohan. Rohan, off you go.

You're going to go and ride the lion with no pride. Take him away!

Hold on tight.

JAUNTY LION MUSIC

So we've lost one contestant, but who's going to go next. Round 2!

-# Hoopla! #

-Come forward. This is I'm The Best In The World.

You'll hear some music. In the instrumental parts, you do actions

to the best of your ability to get the points. OK, let's play!

# I am the best in the world The very best at... #

Being a catwalk model, Claire.

-Oh, yeah.

-A catwalk model that walks with her arms.

-She's got the swagger.

-Next, Milo.

Oh, yeah.

Dude!

Next, Maisie!

CHEERING

A bit of shoulder action in there. That was that!

# I am the best in the world The very best at... #

Singing opera, Claire.

SINGS FAKE OPERA

-Rubbish.

-You don't see Katherine Jenkins singing like that, do you?

-Next, Milo.

-# Oh, whe-e-e-en... #

-I like it!

-Lovely.

Maisie!

-# Aaaaaaaah! #

-She held the note! Bit of vibrato.

-A bit more, bit more!

-# Aaaaaah! #

# I am the best in the world The very best at... #

This time it's gargling. So, Claire, take a swig of this.

And do the best tune you can with water in your mouth.

Head back. Go!

Oh!

-You weren't supposed to spit it out, woman!

-Claire, you mucky old pig!

Here, Milo, I'll give it a wipe. Take some water.

-Health and Safety, of course.

-Is that all? Get a mouthful, lad.

Gargle!

MILO GARGLES

Hey!

-Give it a nice wipe.

-A nice wipe on your sweaty jacket.

MAISIE GARGLES

She's swallowed it.

# I am the best in the world The best thing ever

# The best thing in the world! #

-But who was the Best In The World out of these three?

-Judges.

Mike Pooh and your gang of twits. What are the scores for Claire?

For Claire, there we are...

14...22. 22 points, Claire. This is not looking good for you.

Milo, who was the Best In The World?

Come on, hurry up. All right, then.

-10...17...

-26!

26!

26 for Milo! So Claire only got 22 points.

Maisie, you need 22 or higher to stay in the game.

-Could we have the points, please, for Maisie?

-Here we go. Hold 'em up.

-It's a runaway success!

-Very good!

You got 33 points!

So...

Claire, you spat your water out. You're out of here, love. Thanks.

Take her away. She's going to ride the lion with no pride.

Hold on tight and you won't fall off. Here we go.

JAUNTY LION MUSIC Ain't it fun?

The moment has arrived.

It's time for the finaleval!

CHEERING

Yes, it is... Here's the finaleval.

The final two are Milo and Maisie!

Milo and Maisie, behind you you can see there are eight bins.

-In seven bins lies treasure.

-Treasure.

Little tchotchkes.

The best prizes on British television, ladies and gentlemen!

Oooh!

We are the music makers, the dreamers of the dreams.

If you could have anything inside those bins, what would it be?

Xbox.

-An eggbox!

-Lovely!

-Exciting.

-And, Maisie, what would you have?

-A TV.

-A TV, ladies and gentlemen!

It could fit inside. But in one of these bins

is a very wrong clown, named Cyril. If you find Cyril,

-you lose! You're out of here!

-He's not had his afternoon nap.

So he's in a bit of a bad mood.

The winner, of course, gets the Golden Hoopla trophy!

The person who had the most points in the last round was Maisie.

-So you're going first.

-Step forward.

Think about it. A television. A TV.

Which bin isn't Cyril in?

Three.

Number three. I wish you good luck, Maisie.

Is it going to be that television?

-Lift it out.

-What is it?

-A spade!

A plastic spade!

Get in! Get in!

We've made your dream come true. Come back here.

Well done, Maisie. Milo, come forward, sir.

You wanted an eggbox. Let's see what we've got for you in these bins.

It might be your lucky day. Which bin isn't Cyril in?

Six.

Six.

In your own time. Lift the lid.

Milo, do you suffer from anxiety?

-I do.

-Can't help you!

-What is it? Hold it up in the air.

-What have you got?

-It's a brush!

-It's a brush!

Back to you, Maisie.

Maisie, you've already got yourself a plastic spade.

You probably don't want anything else,

but you might be surprised. Which bin isn't Cyril in?

Five.

Number five? Are you sure, Maisie?

-Aargh!

-What is it?

What is it?

It's a bucket!

A bucket and spade, Maisie!

-We are literally changing people's lives here!

-Move!

Right, Milo. Which bin isn't Cyril in?

-Four.

-Four! Go.

Four is here. Lift the lid.

-DOM BREATHES HEAVILY

-Come on, Milo!

Don't take all day!

-What? What's the treasure?

-Hold it up.

-Steady. Show them.

-A hot water bottle!

You won't have any more cold nights now. You'll be warm all winter.

Imagine the jealousy of your friends at school.

Maisie,

which bin isn't he in?

Seven?

Seven?!

Oh, Maisie!

Maisie...!

Maisie...! Aargh!

Hold it up. A plastic dinosaur!

I know you're disappointed, Milo. You wanted a plastic dinosaur.

But another big prize could be yours. Which bin isn't Cyril in?

This is really tense. One.

-Go on, Milo. Is he being sarcastic?

-LAUGHTER

-Oh, Milo...

-Go on! Argh!

-What have you got?

-A yo-yo.

-A yo-yo!

Ladies and gentlemen...

Now we've got to tell you, Maisie, you've got a 50/50 chance.

No helping from the audience, please,

or we'll set Cyril on you as well.

A 50/50 chance now, Maisie.

One contains Cyril, the other one contains magic.

Which bin... isn't Cyril in?

-Eight.

-He's not in eight?

OK.

Good luck, Maisie. I really mean this.

Oh, no... Aargh!

-Oh!

-Oh, no.

-What's inside? Show everybody.

What have you got for the boys and girls at home? A sieve!

Milo, she won a sieve!

Now, Milo, I've got to ask you this question, mate.

-How are you feeling?

-LAUGHTER

-OK.

-OK? Do you know what's just about to happen?

-I'm about to get attacked by a clown.

-Say number two.

-Two.

Come and open the bin, lad.

Milo's about to get attacked by a clown on British TV.

Enjoy what you're about to see.

AAARGH!

Now Cyril... that wasn't very nice, was it?

-Right, that's one clown down, one kid down.

-That's it!

The winner of the Golden Hoopla trophy is...

Maisie!

CHEERING

-Maisie!

-Let's recap what you've got here.

You get to take home the sieve, the plastic dinosaur,

the bucket and, of course, the spade.

-How are you feeling at this moment?

-Really happy.

I'm really glad you've gone away with everything you wanted.

You deserve it more than anybody in the world...

EVIL CLOWN LAUGH

Maisie's been turned into a kid clown!

Maisie...

You know you came with your mummy today to watch Hoopla?

Well, now you're a clown,

you might as well join our Hoopla forever!

Thank you to everyone on the show! The musical performers,

the comedy acts. We've had some great performers.

Thank you to the Pooh Brothers!

And what about this lot? Thank you very much, everybody!

Join us next time and who knows?

Hoopla might be coming to a town near youpla!

-Hoopla!

-ALL: Hoopla!

-Hoopla!

-Dick and Dom would like to point out

that Milo survived his encounter with Cyril

and will now be the next James Bond.