Space and Hollywood High Diddy Movies


Space and Hollywood High

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Lights, camera, action!

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# We're diddy Dick and Dom and we're so excited

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# Our showbiz careers have been reignited

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# We've made it onto the silver screen with our Diddy Movies

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# You're living the dream!

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# We were down on our luck we were burnt out stars

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# Flipping burgers and washing cars

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# But we waved goodbye to all our cares, hello to Hollywood premiers!

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# This time next year you'll be millionaires

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# So Diddy Movies, yeah! #

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Yes, it is another spectacular evening, as you join us

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at the premiere of another Diddy Movie.

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Base Voyage to Outer Base.

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COUGHS

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In Base.

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I'm sorry, I can't say the word "space".

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You guys, you are five hours late.

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-Sorry, Larry, we had to finish something.

-Finish what?

-The movie.

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Yeah, well, you better not let me down.

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I've got 14 wives and a Doberman to support.

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It's starting, it's starting!

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Give me my popcorn, give me my popcorn!

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Cut it.

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The following advert is an advert.

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This girl is about to throw her brand-new bike into a skip.

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Now she will have to wait

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until next Christmas to go cycling with her friends.

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This boy is about to chuck his shoes into a stagnant pond.

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Now his socks will get wet on the way home.

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And this man has just dropped off his wife

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and three children at the recycling centre.

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They were all supposed to be going to the cinema tonight. Stop!

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Remember, if you need it, keep it.

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-This is it!

-Help!

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Diddy Movies presents... Space Voyage to Outer Space.

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In Space!

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First Officer Trollop, this is the captain!

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Oh, yes, I am the captain!

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How brilliant! I am the captain!

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Me! Are you the captain? No, you're not the captain,

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because I am! Me.

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Captain, captain, captain, captain.

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What do you want?

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We've received a mission from space high command...in space.

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"Find and arrest evil Commander Krudd".

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-Do you know where he is?

-No.

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But look what I've got -

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a new control panel with big shiny buttons!

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Oooh! Can I press a button?

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No! Because I am the captain.

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Me!

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Oooh, I wonder what that button does?

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ELEPHANT TRUMPETS

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DOORBELL

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BIRDS SCREECH

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WHISTLE

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DRAMATIC CLASSICAL MUSIC

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BURP!

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BLATHERING

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Ahhh!

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Ha-ha-ha!

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Meanwhile, on the evil star ship, Krudd...

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Look at them, the silly space cadets!

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They are falling right into our trap!

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Lemon face wipe?

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Oh, yes!

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COMPUTER: Emergency flamingo inflating.

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COMPUTER: Emergency flamingo inflating.

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I'm bored of this!

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What can we do?

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Maybe carry on our mission. Find evil Commander Krudd?

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Nah. Bo-ring!

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COMPUTER: Incoming emergency broadcast.

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Hooray! Put it up on the screen.

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COMPUTER: Please state password.

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Bungleweed hairynips.

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COMPUTER: Accepted.

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Hello? Is it working?

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If anybody is watching this, we need rescuing!

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Oh, luvvie, that actress can't act to save her life!

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You're right. She gets killed in a minute.

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I'm trapped on the planet D Minus See Me.

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It has been hit by a terrible earthquake

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and I only have minutes left before... Before...

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Before what?

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Before we get blown up!

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Trollop, set a course immediately.

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Captain Awesome has a princess to rescue!

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-It's that way.

-Yeah, whatever.

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HORN BEEPS

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Get lost!

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Argh!

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Oh, thank goodness!

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They're here, I'm saved!

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SPLAT!

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Where is she?

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I can't see her anywhere. Must be a hoax call. Let's go.

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Oh, look, space weevils.

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# Space weevils

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# We're the space weevils! #

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I hate space weevils.

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Yeah, me, too.

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# Space weevils

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# We're the space weevils! #

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# Space weevils... #

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Na-na-na-na-na!

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THEY SCREAM AND WEEVILS SCREECH

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Back on the evil starship Krudd... in space...

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They are still falling right into our trap! Ha-ha!

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Soon Captain Awesome and his foolish assistant will be ours! All ours!

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THEY LAUGH

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-We are brilliant.

-Yes, we are.

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Fancy a little kissy?

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No!

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Activate the reality distortion probe!

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Probe activated.

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Dirty button.

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What's going on? Give me a reading.

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"It was a fine, dry day in Dingly Dell

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"and Leicester the Lamb was all tucked up in his blanket."

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-Aww! Now tell me what's going on.

-I don't know.

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Ship's scientist, do you know what's going on?

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It's the planet, Captain. Some kind of instability-flux

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syncotron-balsamic-infused curvy-wurvy-wave field.

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BOTH: Argh! We're all going to die!

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No, as I said, it's the planet. Some kind of stability-flux-syncotron...

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BOTH: Argh! We're all going to die!

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Actually, you are right. The planet is falling in on itself.

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If we don't run now, we'll get sucked into a black hole!

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BOTH: Run!

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Aieee!

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Come on! Keep going!

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Well done!

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BOTH: Aieee!

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See that, Larry? That cost ten million quid!

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Oh, turkey.

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No-one has ever entered the kingdom of the Black Knight and survived.

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Prepare to meet a slow, gruesome, mediaeval death.

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Well, we can't... Oh.

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Come on, fight me, you wimps.

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Oh, no, please, don't!

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Oh!

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BOTH: Wargh!

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-That was weird.

-Tell me about it.

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Has anyone seen my weasel?

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Let's get out of here!

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Ten... nine...

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eight...seven...six...

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Three, two, one.

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Argh!

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-See that, Larry? That cost twenty million quid!

-Oh!

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Where are we? What happened? Whose hand am I holding?

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MUSIC INTRO: You Take My Breath Away

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Ahhh, sweet!

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Something has pulled us off course.

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Some kind of tractor beam.

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# I've got a brand new combine harvester

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# And I'll give you the key... #

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Who could be behind this?

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-It was me, Captain!

-Oi, and me.

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Ooh, you are cheeky.

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Commander Krudd!

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Yes! I have always wanted to destroy you, Captain Awesome,

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ever since you made a tastier, more airy souffle than me

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-in home economics at school! So now...prepare to die!

-No.

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Yes!

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No!

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-Yes!

-No!

-Yes!

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Oh, just shoot him.

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He shot us!

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I can't believe he shot us!

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He shot us again! That is not fair.

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-Oh, Captain, you need to...

-Worthless, low-life piece of...

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-Captain, stop!

-Tinky winky,

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itty bitty, horrible, nasty poo-face!

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COMPUTER: Initiating countdown.

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Oh, great(!)

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Ten...nine...eight...

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What's happening?

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Seven...six...five...

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Now you've done it!

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Four...three...two...one...

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ALL: Happy new year!

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What happened?

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DISCO MUSIC

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You transported the ship through time back to January 1st, 1977!

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How?

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This plot's rubbish, man!

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Well I don't see you making a better film!

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I don't know how, but thanks to your quick thinking,

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you've saved everybody!

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Hurray! Happy New Year, Trollop!

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Happy New Year, Captain!

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Happy new year, Captain. Or should I say, Lieutenant?!

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I'll get you next time, Captain Awesome!

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Naaa!

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Not if I get you first!

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Ha-ha-ha-ha!

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MUSIC STARTS

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MUSIC STOPS SUDDENLY

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Well, Larry? What did you think?

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Use Super Mobo Phone anywhere - in the bath, on shopping trips -

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Super Mobo Phone!!

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You can enhance your many life functions.

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Capture instant film with camera facility!

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Use special application to rewind time!

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Never miss incoming calls, with massive vibrate!

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Super Mobo Phone, with loads of feature selection!

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Call friends, Bookface, wok do, many Internet!

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Available in multicolour - black, white, double black!

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Super Mobo Phone! Super Mobo Phone!

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Super Mobo Phone! Super Mobo Phone!

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Super Mobo Phone! Super Mobo Pho-o-o-one!

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If you don't, then you're nuts!!

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What the freakin' freak was that?

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-Super Mobo Phone!

-Ha!

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APPLAUSE

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Diddy Movies presents...

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Ooh, what a totally awesome day!

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Oh, yeah, totally awesome(!)

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Hey, Britney.

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Hey, Whitney!

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We're...bessies!

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Give me the limelight. I want to be in the...! Get off!

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Anyway, you look totally swell today!

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Yes, I do. And that's because I'm an all-American cheerleader

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in the country's top high school for cute people!

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You look pretty good yourself - not as good as me!

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Well, you know what they say...

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BOTH: Everyone looks awesome at Hollywood High!

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# Hollywood High! Hollywood High!

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# A place where everyone's happy as pie

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# Hollywood High! Hollywood High!

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# The only limit to your dreams is the bright blue sky! #

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And, of course, the 50,000 entry fee.

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# I'm Britney The head of the cheerleading team

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# I'm stunning, athletic And I look like a tangerine

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# I'm Whitney The cutest princess in this place

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# My teeth are so shiny you can see them from space

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-# I'm Sandy...

-Hollywood High!

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# Hollywood High!

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# A place where ugly kids need not apply

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# Hollywood High

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# Hollywood High!

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# The only limit to your dreams is the bright blue sky!

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# I'm beautiful and I'm seeking out fame

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-# What's she going on about?

-She's totally plain.

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-# I'm Bernie

-Like a monster on a video game

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-# Our school is the greatest

-And you know its name!

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# Hollywood High! Hollywood High!

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# A wonderful place where it's permitted to fly! #

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-Weeping's for wimps

-Bowling's, like, appalling

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# Hollywood High! Hollywood High!

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-DEEP VOICE:

-# The only limit to your dreams

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# Is the bright blue sky. #

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DRUM ROLL

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Six, eight, two, four

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Which team's going to wipe the floor?

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Hollywood High!

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Hollywood High!

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Eight, four, six, two, 12, 23...!

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-Bingo!

-SIGHS FROM AUDIENCE

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OK, time-out now, please.

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WINGS FLUTTER, BIRDS SQUAWK

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So, big deal - who's everyone asking to the prom?

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-I know who I'm asking.

-Me, too.

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I'm so lonely.

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-So, tell me.

-Wha...?! Y-you first.

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-We'll tell each other, after three.

-Sure.

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One, two, three...

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BOTH: Brad!

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-You're asking Brad?!

-You're asking Brad?!

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Inside, I'm dying.

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But Brad and me are like the perfect match, like, times a million!

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Brad and me are the perfect match times a million,

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add some more, subtract everybody else,

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add...times...subtr...

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-Shut up...!

-Gee! There goes Brad now!

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He's so special, isn't he?

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# There's no-one quite like Brad

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# He's totally a star There's no-one quite like Brad

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-# The guy that we adore

-He's a hunky dreamboat

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# We swoon as he walks by

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# His dimples are so beautiful I love his wonky eye

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# I love his greasy hair The gap between his teeth

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# I love it that his Brad pits Smell of corned beef

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# Brad can score a touchdown by himself in just one go

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# Brad's a world-class wrestler And a black belt in judo

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# A champion at chess And great at chopping trees

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# He's fluent in Spanish French and Japanese

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Arretee! Hola! Hanu makatoi!

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# There's no-one quite like Brad!

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There's no... # There's no-one quite like Brad

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CROWD CHEERS Ooh!

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# Brad can fight a lion in a cage with just a spoon

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# He flew a one-man mission in a rocket to the moon

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# He made a massive sculpture of Obama out of yeast

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# Brought longer-lasting peace to the entire Middle East

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# I saw him just last Tuesday When I was out with friends

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# Then again on Wednesday through my telephoto lens

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# I built a Brad statue Entirely out of bread

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# I paid a dodgy doctor To clamp me to his head... #

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Here! You're not having Brad - he's mine!

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I saw him first!

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Well, from now on, I'm changing my name from Britney...

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to Bradney!

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Well, I... I'm moving to Bradford.

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Oh, shut up, you. Clear off!

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-Bradford!

-Brad-ney!

-Bradford!

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# There's no-one quite like Brad

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# He's totally a star There's no-one quite like Brad

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# He makes my cold heart thaw # There's no-one quite like Brad

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# He's totally a star There's no-one quite like Brad.

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-DEEP VOICE:

-# He makes my cold heart thaw. #

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I guess neither of us can have Brad, then.

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Fine! And now you're at it, you're not my bessie any more.

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# There's no-one quite like Brad

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# He's a guy I can't igno-ore

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# No-one quite like Brad

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# And like, totally, it's war! #

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SCHOOL BELL RINGS

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The other fascinating thing about simultaneous equations

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is that linked in with the blah-de-blah

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is the blah-de-blah-de-blah

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orf-a-de-blah.

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Bernie...

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I'm so glad that you and me are friends now.

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My first-ever friend!

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Hey, Sandy!

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You're much cooler than my... my ex-best friend Britney.

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Oh, thanks!

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I'm prettier than her, too!

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-Rain check!

-Bernie, will you pass this note to Brad?

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-I'm going to ask him out to the prom.

-But what about Whitney?

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Oh, whatever! She's not going to get in my way.

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# I'm going to get my guy

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# I'll do every little thing I can

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# She'd better back right off

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# Cos he's going to be my man! #

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Agh! Agh!

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Yaagh!

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Aagh! Ugh! Ugh!

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# I'm going to get my guy

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# I'll do every little thing I can

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# She'd better back right off

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# Cos he's going to be my man. #

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Mmm! Mmm...

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Uh? Aaagh!

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Hey, hey, hey...!

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# I'm going to get my guy

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# I'll do every little thing I can

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# She'd better back right off

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# Cos he's going to be my man! #

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Yaaaagh!

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Aaaagh!

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SCHOOL BELL RINGS

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Ah, Whitney, what on earth...?!

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Hi, Brad!

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Nice mole!

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Mole.

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So, I think that you and me should go to the prom, because you...

0:21:060:21:10

-Eeegh!

-Perfect. So, Brad, what do you say -

0:21:100:21:13

me and you, the prom king and queen?

0:21:130:21:16

Yee-aaaagh!

0:21:160:21:18

THEY BOTH SHOUT AT EACH OTHER

0:21:180:21:21

-Oh!

-Oh...

0:21:210:21:23

-Oh!

-Oh!

0:21:230:21:24

Nnnnyee...!

0:21:310:21:32

Stop it!

0:21:320:21:34

So, Brad, what do you say?

0:21:340:21:37

Yeah - her...or me?

0:21:370:21:40

Listen, girls, I can't go to the prom with either of you because

0:21:400:21:44

-I'm going with someone else.

-Ugh?

-Ugh?

0:21:440:21:46

Not Smelly Shelley?

0:21:460:21:49

Not Spotty Dotty?

0:21:490:21:51

BOTH: Not Bendy Wendy?!!

0:21:510:21:54

Nah. Bernie!

0:21:540:21:56

BOTH: No way!

0:21:560:21:58

Way!

0:21:580:21:59

# There's no-one quite like Bra... #

0:22:010:22:04

BOTH: Oh, shut up!!

0:22:040:22:05

-Right, you...!

-Now, hold on, I did try and say...

0:22:050:22:09

-You've been wasting our time.

-Making us look like lay-moys.

-Yeah.

0:22:090:22:13

Maybe we could still share a limo?

0:22:130:22:16

-Right, you, come here...

-You come here!

0:22:160:22:19

-He's all mine.

-I want him!

0:22:190:22:21

-He's baff. I like baff.

-Come here! I like buff...!

0:22:210:22:25

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING # It's my night

0:22:250:22:28

# The greatest of nights

0:22:280:22:30

# When all your hopes and dreams come alive

0:22:300:22:33

# On prom night Get under the lights... #

0:22:330:22:36

Until strictly no later than five!

0:22:360:22:40

# So we both fell out And we both got mad

0:22:400:22:43

# She called me names She pulled my hair

0:22:430:22:46

# La-la-la-la

0:22:460:22:47

# Just because we all wanted Brad

0:22:470:22:50

# But now we both agree to share

0:22:500:22:54

-# I got his leg

-And I got his nose

0:22:540:22:57

-# I got his ears!

-And I got his toes!

0:22:570:23:00

# On prom night The greatest of nights

0:23:000:23:04

# When all your hopes and dreams come true

0:23:040:23:07

# On prom night When men dress in tights

0:23:070:23:10

# Which makes it hard to use the loo

0:23:100:23:15

# Now our story comes to a close

0:23:150:23:17

# And it's time to say goodbye

0:23:170:23:20

# We hope you've liked our dazzling show

0:23:200:23:24

# It's farewell from Hollywood High

0:23:240:23:28

# Prom night! Prom night!

0:23:280:23:31

-# Prawn night!

-No!! Prom night!

0:23:310:23:34

# Prom

0:23:340:23:37

# Night

0:23:370:23:39

# Prom

0:23:390:23:40

# Night

0:23:400:23:42

# Pro-o-om

0:23:420:23:44

# Night

0:23:440:23:45

MUSIC INCREASES IN PITCH AND VOLUME # Pro-o-o-o-om Ni-i-i-i...

0:23:450:23:49

# Pro-o-o-o-o-o... CAR SCREECHES

0:23:490:23:52

# Pro-o-o-o...!

0:23:520:23:56

CRASH!!!

0:23:560:23:58

LIGHTS FLICK ON

0:24:000:24:03

Well, Larry?

0:24:050:24:07

What do you think?

0:24:070:24:09

-DICK CLEARS HIS THROAT.

-What about you lot?

0:24:120:24:15

Hey? What did you think?

0:24:150:24:18

APPLAUSE, CHEERING, JEERING AND BOOING

0:24:250:24:28

ALARMS AND EXPLOSIONS, CONTINUED CHEERING AND BOOING

0:24:320:24:36

-I cannot believe I have just sat through that!

-Unbelievable!

0:24:390:24:43

-Outrageous!

-Aaaaaagh!

0:24:430:24:45

I'm ruined! Ruined, I tell you!

0:24:470:24:51

Actually, Mister Weinsteinberger,

0:24:510:24:53

me and him, we've got a new idea for a new film!

0:24:530:24:56

Yes...

0:24:560:24:58

And this one, Mr Weinsteinberger, sir...

0:24:580:25:01

has got...

0:25:010:25:03

..clockwork tramps.

0:25:040:25:07

-Clockwork...

-MR WEINSTEINBERGER: 'Just when I thought Dick scraped

0:25:090:25:14

'the bottom of the barrel, along comes Dom

0:25:140:25:17

'to go through the floorboards underneath!

0:25:170:25:19

'I outta... I'm gonna...'

0:25:190:25:21

I love it!!! Here's the money!

0:25:210:25:23

CHEERING

0:25:230:25:25

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