Beast of Black Island and Bumbly Poo Farm Diddy Movies


Beast of Black Island and Bumbly Poo Farm

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Lights, camera, action.

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# We're Diddy Dick and Dom

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# And we're so excited

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# Our showbiz careers have been reignited

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# We've made it on to the silver screen

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-# With our Diddy Movies

-You're living the dream

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# We were down on our luck

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# We were burnt out stars

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# Flipping burgers and washing cars

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# We waved goodbye to all our cares

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# Hello to Hollywood premieres

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# This time next year you'll be millionaires

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# Go Diddy Movies

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# Yeah.#

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It's Friday night! It's seven O'clock! It's half past...

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Flipping watch!

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You join us at the premiere of another Diddy Movie!

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Tonight, monster mayhem in The Beast Of Black Island!

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Warning - Not suitable for MINERS.

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Excuse me, thank you.

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Hey, Larry!

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What happened to your faces?

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Oh, filming in Hawaii, luvvie! Luvvie!

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-Luvvie.

-Catching some rays.

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Finishing the movie. Did we finish it?

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Shall I apply the sunscreen, sweetie?

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In your own time, love.

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Right, let's roll this thing! And it needs to be hot!

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Like my sausage!

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-It's starting.

-It's starting!

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'Diddy Movies presents - The Beast Of Black Island.'

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Pull the main line! Climb the rigging! Make me a blancmange!

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# Dummy, dummy, dummy, dummy, dum, dum DUM! #

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CRASHING AND CLATTERING

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It's not easy being Sir Ranulph Roundtree,

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the world's greatest explorer.

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You? Pah!

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I Captain Horatio Bilge am the world's greatest explorer.

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I discovered the lost dodo of Devon. And I ate it.

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I discovered the mythical mongoose of Methuselah. And ate it.

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Well, I discovered the elusive kitten of Kiri-te-kiwijuice.

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I thought that was extinct?

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It is now! Delicious!

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BOTH: Aaaaargh!

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Cobblers!

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I'm going to discover the greatest discovery ever discovered!

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Since they discovered the Discovery Channel.

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I, Sir Ranulph Roundtree, will capture the beast of Black Island.

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ALL: Ooh!

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Piffle!

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I, Horatio Bilge, will capture the beast of Black Island.

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Abandon ship! There's a d-d-d-d-d-d...

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DUCK!

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THEY SCREAM

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# Bobbing along, bobbing along on the bottom of the beautiful briny sea

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# What a chance to get a better peep

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# At the plants and creatures of the deep

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# We glide far below the rolling tide

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# Serene, through the bubbly blue and green

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# It's lovely bobbing along singing a song

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# On the bottom of the beautiful briny

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# Shimmery shiny beautiful briny sea. #

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Horatio?! Horatio?!

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Horatio, come here now!

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Horatio?...

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No-o-o!

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Oh, it's you!

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It is!

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You're alive!

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Now don't run off again!

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But I'm an h-explorer.

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From now on, we will h-explore, together.

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H-explore this!

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No! You explore this!

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Explore that!

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PAN PIPES PLAY

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Will you stop that?!

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Thank you.

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A-haagh! A-hugh! A-haagh!

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I think he's a native.

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-Oh...

-Let me do this.

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I am fluent in four million languages, including goat.

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A-haagh! A-hugh! Hoo-hoo. Ha-hagh.

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A-hagh. A-hagh.

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I think she said "jungle flaps"

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SHE COUGHS

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Sorry, I was just clearing my throat. Welcome, travellers.

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This is my island.

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Seems very nice.

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'180!'

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State your purpose. What have you come here for to Black Island?

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This is Black Island?!

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Wait. If this is Black Island, then that must be...

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What?

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The beast?

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LAUGHTER

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Will you stop laughing?! It's supposed to be scary.

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Quickly, we must leave.

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I'm not going anywhere! This is my greatest discovery yet.

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This is MY greatest discovery.

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-Shall we share it?

-OK.

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-Beastie!

-Oh, Beastie!

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I beg you! The beast is sacred.

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If you disturb it, terrible things will happen.

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-Whatever.

-Precious one, forgive us for what we have done.

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Friends?

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SCREAMING

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Hooray!

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Quick, it's getting away!

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I can see me Nan's house!

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Whoo-hoo!

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SHE SCREAMS

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'Wait a second. Houston we have a...'

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-What's happening?

-Erm, I think it's still hungry!

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You can't eat us.

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-I'm your dad!

-What?

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Dad!

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-And I'm your mum.

-Mum.

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This is incredible.

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Incredible.

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-Amazing!

-Amazing

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We can make him say anything we want him to!

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Bum!

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Bum!

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Egg trump!

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Egg trump

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Tacky pants.

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Potty pipes.

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Fairy hammock.

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This is the happiest day of my life!

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I'd pay good money to see this.

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Wait a minute! That's it!

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We'll take this show on the road!

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-We'd make a fortune!

-Yes, luvvie!

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He'd be the biggest comedy sensation the world has ever seen!

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Right, you big, fat pink pom-pom!

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-We're going to make you a star!

-Plop!

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APPLAUSE

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My Lords, ladies and gentlemen, Ma'am.

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What you are about to witness will change the course of history

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and bring you to question the very nature of existence.

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Persons of a nervous disposition put their head in a bag,

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because we, Roundtree and Bilge bring to you

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what will surely be known, as the eighth wonder of the world!

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AUDIENCE GASPS

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Wee-wee gas.

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Bum chutney.

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Fart-o-rama.

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APPLAUSE

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My guest this evening has,

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in the last few days risen to the very top of the showbiz ladder.

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With his own unique brand of biting wit

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and satire he has redefined the comedy landscape.

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Big Pink Monster, what is the secret to your extraordinary success?

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Hairy onion poo pants.

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LAUGHTER

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Yes, we can have him with you at ten o'clock on Tuesday,

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that'll be £10,000 and a Creme Egg.

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Chapter 3 - Splatty burp juice. Poo pate.

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Sweaty booby.

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What are we going to do? We haven't had a booking for him in ages.

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Nobody's interested any more!

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I know, luvvie,

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it's ever since those street dancing worms came on the scene.

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What are we going to tell HIM? PHONE RINGS

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Hello. Roundtree and Bilge,

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International Big Pink Naughty Monster Agency.

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Yes, yes, yes. No!

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I'm not interested in changing my electricity supplier. Goodbye.

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ROARING AND CRASHING

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We're still waiting to hear about that panto in Stoke-on-Trent!

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THEY SCREAM

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It was just a dream. Must have been all those coconuts we ate.

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LOUD FOOTSTEPS I thought we were going to be...

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THEY SCREAM

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What the...?

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Oh, phew! It was just a dream.

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Must have been that roasted weasel we ate.

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So there was no storm.

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We never even went to Black Island!

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Yep, sorry, old chum.

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But maybe, if we keep searching, one day we might find the...

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ROARING

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THEY SCREAM

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What the...?

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Oh, phew! It was just a dream.

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Must have been all that gerbil cheese we ate.

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So we never did go on the ship?

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And we never did find the beast.

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Well, we'll just have to keep on exploring, Horatio.

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Because I believe that it does exist.

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And one day, we will capture the beast of Black Island!

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Well, Larry, what did you think?

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COUGHING

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Isn't that annoying?

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PHONES RING

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How insensitive!

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AUDIENCE CHATS

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How very rude!

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SOMEONE BURPS

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Eggy and intrusive!

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BAND PLAYS

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That's just so inconsiderate.

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Will you please all just...

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And enjoy the movie.

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HE CHOKES

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I know. It's so exciting.

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I've got an ice cube stuck in my throat.

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DICK AND DOM: Brain freeze.

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Sshhh!

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It was a hot summers day

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and I was off to stay with my favourite uncle at Bumbly Poo Farm.

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# I'm such a happy kitty

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# So pleased to leave the city

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# Yes, I am a talking cat

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# There's nothing at all weird about that

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# Talking animals are the norm

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# Here on Bumbly Poo Farm

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# Hello, Uncle

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# Nephew, dear, I think you're going to like it here

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# Flowers sing wherever they blossom

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# My underpants hum cos I never wash 'em

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# Primary colours all over the place

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# Even the sun has a smile on his face

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I'm flipping sweltering

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# Everyone's jolly and everyone's friends

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# Everyone's happy as the fun never ends

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# Everything's so very cute

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# You may feel the need to puke

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THEY VOMIT

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-# No-one never comes to harm here on Bumbly Poo Farm.

-#

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-Did they just...?

-No.

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Thank you for inviting me to stay on your farm, Uncle Tom.

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That's OK. I'll be glad of the help.

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Help? Nobody said anything about any help.

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You'll love it. Working on a farm is enormous fun.

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By fun, I mean back-breakingly hard work.

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How about a bowl of lovely cream?

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Cream?

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-Oh, I love cream.

-That's the way, little Jess.

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You'll be needing this.

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No. Not to wipe your face with.

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It's your list of chores.

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Milk the cows, tidy up the field, stir the cream. Blimey!

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What did you last slave die of?!

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Lactose intolerance.

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I'm off down the market.

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You'd best get cracking with this little lot.

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Whatever you do,

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don't visit the diseased old oak tree at the bottom of Misery Field.

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Why would I want to do that?

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The bushes, they are only covered in gobstoppers.

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The flowers are made of liquorice.

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The trees are covered in chocolate noggins. No reason to go there.

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No reason at all.

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Did you say "chocolate noggins"?

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Then there's the Diddy Station games console.

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With the brand-new Bumbly Poo Farm game.

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-Product placement, that is.

-The game's rubbish. They always are.

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Whatever you do, don't go down there.

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Now get on with your chores. Bye.

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Right, where's that tree?

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GAMES CONSOLE MUSIC

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'This is brilliant.'

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It's not.

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'It's just like being in the film.'

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It isn't.

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'Being on the farm is so much fun.'

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Did someone say fun?

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Agh!

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Hiya! If it's fun you're after, then I'm your guy!

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I'm the Bumbly Poo from Bumbly Poo Farm. Pleased to meet you!

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-Pleased to meet you...

-Ow!

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Sorry. Anyway, I'm Jess.

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I never realised there was a real Bumbly Poo.

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Why do you think this place is called Bumbly Poo Farm?

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I just thought it's cos my uncle's got a dickie tummy.

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No, no. That's called a poobly bum,

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that's something very different. Hey! Jess!

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Would you like to be my friend?

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A Bumbly Poo is about the most magical friend you could ever have!

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# There's lots of fun things you can do

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# When you're friends with a Bumbly Poo!

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# Poke a frog with wet bamboo

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# Play a welly boot kazoo

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# Fill your uncle's hat with stew

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# There's so much to do!

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# Fly through space in a Portaloo

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# Practise custard cream Kung Fu

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# Wash your hair with cheese fondue

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# There's so much to do!

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# When you're friends with a Bumbly Poo

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-There's just so many fun things you can do.

-#

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Wow! That was the most fantastically fun five minutes I've ever had.

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Anyway, I'd best get on with my uncle's chores.

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No, no, wait!

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I could help you with your chores. Make them a bit more fun.

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You know - do them the Bumbly Poo way!

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And if not, I'll sting you on the nose and make you cry.

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Sorry, what was that?

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Nothing, dear. Go and get the chores and I'll have a look.

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Go on! Off you go!

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OK, let's have a look.

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They all look easy peasy squeezy weasy!

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You think?

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I don't know. I can't read.

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Come on! Let's go and annoy some cows!

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You want me to milk these udders? With these claws?

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Let's make it fun - the Bumbly Poo way!

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What the...? That's my face!

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You always said you wanted to be in the movies!

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Lock and load, Jess!

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LAUGHTER

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Yes!

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We have a winner!

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AUDIENCE GASPS

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What? I'm a cat!

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In dungarees.

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So, what's next, my old pal?

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We've got to clean the field of the cow pats.

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Let's play Frisbee!

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That's not helping!

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No! But it IS fun!

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Come on, sour puss-puss! Why don't you join in!

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JESS SCREAMS

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Not dry yet?!

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Not dry yet.

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Don't worry. There's plenty more fun to be had on Bumbly Poo Farm!

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I'm not sure I like you much any more.

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We've got to turn this milk into cream.

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That's easy with a bit of Bumbly Poo magic.

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No! We'll just use these whisks, OK?

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Are you sure?

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I could simply do...this!

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No!

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What about this?!

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No!

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How about this?!

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No! How's that helping?

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Oh, you don't need my help? I thought we were friends.

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I guess not.

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# The kitchen is a mess

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# And all the milk's been spilled

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# When Uncle Tom gets back

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# I'm going to get killed

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# But as I stand and look around

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# And sing my sad sad song

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# At least I can be sure

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-# There's nothing else that can go wrong.

-#

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Oh, Jess.

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You didn't think I'd leave you like this, did you?

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What? You're going to put everything right with your Bumbly Poo magic?

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No!

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I'm going to make sure it looks like it was you!

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Bye!

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What happened here then?!

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You wouldn't believe it if I told you.

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Oh, what? Did an irritating fairy-tale creature,

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I don't know, something like a giant psychedelic bee,

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fly out of a diseased oak tree and make your life a misery?

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Yes!

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Oh, yeah. I thought so. He has a habit of doing that.

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Annoying poo-head!

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I think it's about time that we taught him a lesson.

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So! You've decided to forgive me, have you!

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Oh, yes.

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My uncle and I wanted to show you there was no hard feelings.

0:23:070:23:10

Sit yourself down...pal!

0:23:100:23:11

So, what's for dinner?

0:23:110:23:15

You!

0:23:150:23:16

About 20 minutes on 200 degrees should do the trick.

0:23:190:23:23

AUDIENCE GASPS

0:23:230:23:25

Oh! Moreish!

0:23:290:23:32

Yes. Like popcorn.

0:23:320:23:34

So, have you learned your valuable lesson, little Jess?

0:23:340:23:37

Oh, yes, Uncle.

0:23:370:23:39

# If you have an annoying chum

0:23:410:23:44

# And you don't know what to do

0:23:440:23:47

# Don't just sit there feeling glum

0:23:470:23:49

# We've got some good advice for you

0:23:490:23:54

# Eat your friends Eat your friends

0:23:540:23:56

# When you're at your wit's end

0:23:560:23:58

# When they drive you round the bend Eat your friends

0:23:580:24:01

# Eat your mates Eat your mates

0:24:010:24:04

# When they make you feel irate

0:24:040:24:06

# When they're starting to grate Eat your mates

0:24:060:24:10

-# Steam 'em!

-Boil 'em!

0:24:110:24:13

# Make a kebab

0:24:130:24:16

# Stew 'em! Broil 'em!

0:24:160:24:18

# Crack 'em like a crab!

0:24:180:24:20

BOOING AND GROANING

0:24:200:24:22

# Griddle them! Grill them!

0:24:220:24:25

# Fry 'em like an egg

0:24:250:24:27

# Roast them! Bake them!

0:24:270:24:29

# Chew on their legs

0:24:290:24:32

# When they drive you round the bend

0:24:320:24:34

# The fun you have will never end

0:24:340:24:38

# When you eat...

0:24:380:24:40

# Your...

0:24:400:24:43

# Friends! #

0:24:430:24:46

Get your computer games! Bumbly Poo computer games!

0:24:560:25:01

Bumbly Poo masks! Strap-on stingers!

0:25:010:25:05

Cow pat Frisbees!

0:25:050:25:07

Bumbly Poo on a stick?

0:25:070:25:09

SHOUTING AND BOOING

0:25:160:25:19

I cannot believe I have just sat through that!

0:25:310:25:34

Outrageous!

0:25:340:25:36

I am ruined. Ruined, I tells ya!

0:25:380:25:41

But we've got another idea for a movie.

0:25:410:25:44

Yes, and this one's all about saucepans.

0:25:440:25:48

Maybe I'm dreaming.

0:25:510:25:53

A film about saucepans.

0:25:530:25:58

I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!

0:25:580:26:02

Here's the money.

0:26:020:26:04

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