Draculaaaaa/HumanMan Diddy Movies


Draculaaaaa/HumanMan

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Lights, camera, action.

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# We're Diddy Dick and Dom

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# And we're so excited

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# Our showbiz careers have been reignited

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# We've made it on to the silver screen

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# With our Diddy Movies

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# You're living the dream

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# We were down on our luck We were burnt-out stars

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# Flipping burgers and washing cars

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# We waved goodbye to all our cares

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# Hello to Hollywood premieres

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# This time next year you'll be millionaires

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# Go Diddy Movies

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# Yeah. #

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Ladies and gentlemen!

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Another Diddy Movie premiere is about to begin.

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If you have a mobile phone, please can you order me a pizza?

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Deep-pan cheese-o-rama.

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Tonight's feature presentation is the spine-chilling, Dracula!

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Listen, all your last movies have cost me a fortune.

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Why should I believe this one will be any different?

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But, Mr Weinsteinberger, we give you our word.

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Well, OK.

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Yeah, here it is. Jigglebum. That's our word.

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Quit kidding around, capisce?!

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OK, Larry. It's going to be a hit.

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Dracula is going to be so scary,

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people are going to be quaking in their boots!

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And quaking in their pants!

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Piracy is killing the film industry.

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Do not pirate this movie.

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Do not film it, do not perform it, recite it, mention it,

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do not even think about it once you have left this theatre.

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If anyone asks you a question about this film,

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report them immediately to FATPAM,

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the Federation Against Telling People About Movies.

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Telling people about movies is killing our business.

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Pack it in!

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This is it! This is it!

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-Ah!

-Ha-ha!

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Diddy Movies present Dracula.

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Look, it's us!

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And so, Miss Farridge, you see, henceforth, forthwith,

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in a manner of speaking, furthermore, in a sense,

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as I say, if one could imagine for a minute...

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Yawn, yawn, yawn!

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Professor Clarridge, you are the most boring man in the whole world?

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Bor-ring!

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Really? The most boring man in the world?

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Oh, Miss Farridge, you do flatter me!

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Will you, I mean, would you, could you...?

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What, what, what?!

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Marry me?

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SHE SCREAMS

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HORSE WHINNIES

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Shall I take that as a yes?

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Push off!

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Wait, Miss Farridge!

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Woo-ha-ha-ha-haa.

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Woo-ha-ha-ha-haa.

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Woo-ha-ha-ha-haa. Woo-ha-ha-ha-haa.

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He broke it.

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Good evening.

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My sweet potato! This could be dangerous.

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It is said that the Count who resides in there...

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I am the 15th Count Dracula.

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And who are you?

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Oh, I am Miss Farridge, the most lush, fit lady in the world.

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And all the blokes agree, all right?

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And he's a dirty, old windbag.

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Hmm, I seeeeeeeeee...

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Can we...?

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..eeeeeeee...

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Maybe...

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..eeeeeeee... Eee.

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-Look, can we stay in your house, or what?

-Why, certainly.

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And if you're hungry, I could give you a bite!

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Oh, yeah, I'm starving! I hope you've got crisps!

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-Ladies first.

-Wait! Miss Farridge!

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Hello? I'm trying to sleep here!

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This is so anti-social. It's like...

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13 o'clock?

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Hello?

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Argh!

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I thought it was a spider. It's only a bit of fluff.

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Miss Farridge! I came right away, henceforth with haste!

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My lovely pumpkin, my noodle chops, my sweet...

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Hey, get off!

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What are you doing, you big, wet idiot?

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It's coming from over there.

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No, Miss Farridge, my little fluffy lamb, wait!

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Chillax, it's only the Count!

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Hiya, Count!

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Ahhhhh, you came. Come in.

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You too, Professor, do not be shy!

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I thought you might like a little midnight snack?

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Oh, crisps, brill, I love crisps!

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I know.

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ORGAN PLAYS

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OPERATIC NOTE HELD

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Miss Farridge, I implore you!

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Keep your wig on, I'll save you one.

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I believe the Count is dangerous.

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He might be a...

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-Hey!

-Do not be afraid, Miss Farridge.

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I'm not afraid! I'm relieved.

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He was a right pain in the neck!

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And such a pretty neck!

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# Kiss, kiss me Say you miss, miss me... #

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I'm so glad you like my nibbles.

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Perhaps, just one more!

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Look, will you back off?! You're starting to freak me out!

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All that hissing and showing your teeth, it's well creepy.

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No!

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I said no!

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Ouch! Does anyone have any aspirin?

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All right, you asked for it.

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# Hold me close to you

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# Hold me, see me through

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# With all your heart's affection...#

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Come to Daddy.

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THEY PLAY A TUNE

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# With me once again

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# Make my dreams come true. #

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Oh, shut your mouth.

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Relax. In a moment, it will all be over.

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Oh, please stop. It tickles.

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Cut that out!

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What has he done to you? The monster!

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Oh! My sweet peach! My cookie dough!

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My wireless dongle!

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Get away from me! Oh, no!

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Oh, what a lovely view.

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Ow!

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Argh!

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Miss Farridge, please!

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Ahem! Excuse me?

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Do you mind? This is my section of guttering.

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Help!

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Miss Farridge, stop! This isn't you!

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You're a lovely, sweet lady.

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Help me!

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Save me and be my wife.

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-Have I missed anything?

-Nah.

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Argh!

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BLOWS A RASPBERRY TO THE TUNE OF "I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles"

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Well, Larry? What did you think?

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Ed's Fast Food on the High Street.

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Burger and chips, please!

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I'm not having that!

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Where's my chips?! Thank you!

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Ed's Fast Food on the High Street.

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It tastes disgusting but it's really fast!

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Oooh, this is it!

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Welcome to my lair...I mean lab.

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I, Richter Von Cork, plan to take over the world.

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I mean, research bottom medicine.

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Now, do you have any questions before I have you all killed...

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I mean, before lunch?

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Yes. Daily Diddy.

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Is there any truth in the rumour that you are actually

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a crazed super-villian?

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You certainly look like one.

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Why, you cheeky little... Well spotted, my friend.

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The reason that I look this way, is I have a rare condition.

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A rare condition, meaning that I have never pumped.

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I have been filling up with gas since I was a baby.

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And still I have found no cure.

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Even my strongest laxative botty biscuits haven't worked.

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I just keep getting bigger and still I cannot...

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HE BREAKS WIND

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Exactly. BREAKS WIND AGAIN

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OK, you've made your point. AND AGAIN

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Are you taking the mick?

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No, I'm trying not to follow through!

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HE BREAKS WIND AGAIN

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That was a close one.

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As you can see, I am no super-villain!

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Everything that happens here is nice and evil...cuddly!

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I've escaped!

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Take him back in the dungeon... I mean, happy room!

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Sorry, just someone I've been bombarding with radiation for fun...

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important scientific research!

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Now, gentlemen, follow me this way.

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I'll introduce you to someone

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who I've been feeding cabbage to, for the last 10 years.

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You might want to hold your noses.

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HE WINCES

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HE BREAKS WIND

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Flipping biscuits!

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I feel different! I've been bitten by a radio-active man!

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Like Spiderman. Brilliant.

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-Shh!

-Shh!

-Shh!

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Now, I have the powers of a human being.

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I shall call myself, Human Man.

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Oh, better get a costume.

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Our top story.

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Buildings have been mysteriously collapsing across the country.

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Police suspect...me -

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the Newsreader of Doom!

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Wah-haa-haa!

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Here's goes another one!

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Now the weather.

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It's raining and it's all my fault! Tee-hee-hee.

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I might make it hail later! Wah-haa-haa!

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Not so fast, Newsreader of Doom.

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Oh, no! Caught!

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How will I ever survive your powers of...

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Sorry, what were your powers again?

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I am Human Man, man of man!

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I can do anything a human can.

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So you're just a bloke in a leotard.

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Oops. Looks like you're in spot of rubble. Wah-haa-haa!

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Not more of you. Who are you two?

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We're Bapman and Sausage and you're in for a bap-wrap mustard-slap!

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Look at her. She's like an out-of-work actor.

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-How do you mean?

-She's between ROLLS!

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OK, Human Man, lets take you back to superhero HQ and patch you up!

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Superhero HQ! Wow.

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You must tell no-one that secret location!

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Ooh, you've done this place up smashing.

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Thank you, dear.

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We've tried to combine modern with traditional.

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-ALARM BUZZES

-Ooh. What's that?

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That, my human-powered friend,

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means something evil is infecting the planet.

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And it's coming from just outside Leicester.

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It's working!

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That was a smashing plate of beans, pickled eggs and onion bhaji's.

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I've opened all the windows, love. So, in your own time.

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That's odd.

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Try giving it a poke.

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This has never happened before. I can't trump!

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Human Man, Sausage, this is important.

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I need you both to guff for me, right now.

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That's easy.

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I have the powers of a human being and they sure can honk.

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Some can play tunes.

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THEY BREAK WIND TO THE TUNE OF "Jingle Bells"

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Not even a squeaker.

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What does this mean?

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It means...

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FANFARE PLAYS

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It means...

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FANFARE PLAYS

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Not yet, OK?

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It means someone has developed the world's most dangerous machine.

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A de-trumpifier! OK, now!

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FANFARE PLAYS

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Good evening. Our top story tonight.

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It's now been over a week since anyone on the planet let one off.

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Even the Prime Minister has been affected.

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It is with great regret

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that for the first time since becoming Prime Minister,

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I am unable to cut the cheese.

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Now to other stories.

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In other news, a series of daring thefts have been committed

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by...me...the Newsreader of Doom!

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PHONE RINGS

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Excuse me.

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Hello. What? Someone's already got that name?

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What about the New Newsreader of Doom? The Evil Newsman?

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The Newsmeister?

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This is ridiculous. I'll call you back.

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More on that story later.

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Professor Von Cork, the world needs your help.

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We need to relieve the pressure.

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I need six billion of your laxative bottom biscuits,

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or else the world is going to go boom!

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No.

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-What do you mean, no? We need to stop the de-trumpifier!

-Really?

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The de-trumpifier? Like this one?

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-It's you!

-Yes!

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The biscuits were just a cover-up. I like being a gas-bag!

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And now I will rule the world.

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Not if I have anything to do with it.

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I am Human Man.

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I possess all the powers of a human being!

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Feel the force of a human hand!

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Let me know when you do it?

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Feel the power of a human foot!

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Nope.

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Do you mind if I just use your phone?

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Thanks.

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Hello, this is Human Man.

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-I need...

-Surrender Von Cork!

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You're no match for my sausage power.

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We'll have you bap-wrapped and smothered in fried onions

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-before you can say, "Salmonella." Right, Bapman?

-You said it.

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Really? What about bangers and mash?

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His only weakness.

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Devilish! Not to fear, Sausage, for Bap Man is invincible!

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Yes, what about toasted Bap Man?

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A toasting! I'm finished. It's up to you, Human Man.

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The fate of the world rests in your hands.

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Then the world is finished. He has no powers to defeat me!

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What about the power of human finger?

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Uh-oh.

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He's going to blow! Everybody out!

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HE BREAKS WIND

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Ah, the worst is over now.

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Good evening. This is the news with me, Dr Newsmonster.

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Seriously, that's all they had left.

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There were celebrations across the globe today

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as the de-trumpifier was destroyed

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and normal trouser service was resumed.

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Human Man, the nation owes you a...

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HE BREAKS WIND Oh, that's better!

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..a debt of gratitude that can never be...

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HE BREAKS WIND AGAIN

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More tea Archbishop!

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Man, that reeks! I'll come back and get it later!

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Probably best.

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But before I go, I must say this.

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Wherever there is injustice?

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Wherever there is...

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HE BREAKS WIND There goes the state banquet.

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Actually, you know what, forget the big speech.

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You know where to find me.

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Well, Larry? What did you think?

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What about you lot? What did you think?

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I can't believe I've just seen that.

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-Unbelievable!

-Unbelievable!

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That was the worst movie I have ever seen! I'm ruined!

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But, Larry, we've got a new idea for a film!

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Yes, it's called Goatbusters!

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Every sheep is going to want to see it!

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That's a lot of sheep! I love it! Here's the money!

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