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Disaster Strikes Diddy Movies

Disaster Strikes

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Transcript

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'Lights... Camera... Action!'

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# We're Diddy Dick and Dom and we're so excited.

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# Our showbiz careers have been reignited.

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# We've made it on to the silver screen

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# With our Diddy Movies

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# You're living the dream!

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# We were down on our luck, we were put out stars...

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# Flipping burgers...

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# And washing cars!

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# We've waved goodbye to all our cares

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# Hello to Holywood premiers.

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# This time next year you'll be millionaires.

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# So Diddy Movies - yeah! #

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'Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another Diddy Movie premiere!

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'In association with Diddy Fizz... the fizzier cola.'

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BURP

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'Tonight's movie is the...'

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BURP

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'Ahem, sorry.

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'Tonight's movie is the apocalyp-smacking

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Disaster Strikes!

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BURP EXPLOSION

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Mark my words, guys, if this movie's another disaster, I'll kill you!

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But Larry, that's exactly what it is!

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Yeah, this movie's loads of disasters.

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Whaaaaaat?!

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Oh, yeah, Disaster Strikes. Well, it better be good!

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Good? It's a disaster!

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Whaaaaaaaat?!

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'The following advert is an advert.'

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'Unlock the freshness at Squidge, your local juice bar!'

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'If it's yumptious and bursting with flavour, we'll squidge it!'

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-'Try squidged orange and mango!'

-'Squidge.'

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-'Squidged pineapple, grape and omelette!'

-'Squidge.'

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-'Squidged lamb and stapler!'

-'Squidge.'

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'Squidge! Your local juice bar.

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'Opposite this cinema, on the left hand side!

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'Down the road, cross the roundabout,

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'left at the shoe warehouse!

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'Walk three minutes, second right at the skip, get the bus to Flappy End!

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'Get to the biscuit factory,

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'there's a hole in the hedge, squeeze through...

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'and hop for 400 yards towards the bright light...'

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'Ooh, yes, Mr Weinsteinberger!' This is it!

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Except this time we're shooting this movie in...

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five-D!

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Five-D?

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Yes, it doesn't just look like you're there,

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it feels like you're there too!

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I love it!

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'Diddy Movies present... Disaster Strikes!'

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Hello there, sir!

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Welcome to Diddy Airlines.

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RATTLING

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Chicken or fluff, sir?

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Hmmm?

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Oy! I'm the only one on this plane, you idiots!

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And I ordered a cappuccino 20 minutes ago!

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-Sir!

-Oof!

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'Bing bong! This is Captain Undercarriage speaking.

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'I'd like to welcome you aboard this flight,'

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from London to Kat-man-don't.

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We are currently cruising at 600 miles an hour.

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Which is just the right speed to dry my smalls.

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WILD WIND SOUNDS

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Mmmmmm, so fresh.

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Our current altitude is, ooh, 20 feet.

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So we're about to hit that large house.

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BOTH: Oh no! It's a total disaster!

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Recognise that house?

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-What?!

-Yeah, you won't get Channel Five any more!

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-Oh!

-Phew! Cameron! I thought we were gonners then!

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And then I'd never get home to my little Twinkle!

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Oh, yeah. So many long, lonely weeks on the job,

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I just can't wait to get home...to see my precious Butch!

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Yeah, but, I love my little Twinkle more than you love your Butch.

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-No you do not!

-Do.

-Do not!

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-Do!

-Do not!

-Do, do, do, do!

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'Bing bong.'

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Now our cabin crew will now do the safety thingy.

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BOTH: Yay!

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And remember, your nearest emergency exit may be inside you.

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In the event of us getting slightly bored,

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sponge cakes will descend from above.

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And remember to never, ever, ever, push this button.

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Bing! Aaaaaaaaaaaaargh!

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BOTH: Oh no! It's a total disaster!

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Don't worry, Cameron. The captain knows what he's doing!

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Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!

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AUDIENCE: Aaaaaaargh!

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BOTH: Oh no! It's a total disaster!

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Right, Cameron, we're going to have to fly this thing!

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Just keep calm. Cameron?

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Come here you numpty. Grab hold of the controls!

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But which way?!

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'At the first cloud, turn left.'

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Ooh, cheers, sweetheart. Isn't he nice?!

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'Thank you.'

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'Automatic navigation...selected.'

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BOTH: We're saved!

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You may have felt a light turbulence, If you did, I'm very sorry, sir.

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-And I'm even more sorry, sir.

-No, you're not!

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May I put this in the overhead locker, sir?

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-Don't!

-Oh, really, it's no trouble.

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No! There's something up there.

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What? Luggage?!

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THEY LAUGH

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Please! The thing is, I have a...a.

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A shark!

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BOTH: Oh no! It's a total disaster!

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Sharkdown!

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-That's enough disasters for one day!

-Yes. At least nothing else can possibly go wrong!

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Ooh, I tell you what, Cameron. These new nylon uniforms...

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they're mighty tight!

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I'm feeling a wee bit toasty!

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Oh! It's a fire! Fire!

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BOTH: Oh no, it's a total disaster!

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Don't worry, I'll save you!

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I'll beat the flames out.

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WHACK

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Aah!

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WHACK

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Aah!

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WHACK

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Aah!

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THE FIRE'S OUT!

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Oooh. You're my hero!

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Is that your tummy?

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No. I haven't had my prunes yet.

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CRACK OF THUNDER

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BOTH: Argh!

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BONG

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BONG

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BONG

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BONG

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BING

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I don't like the look of that.

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Really? I could always take it back. They had a fabulous one in maroon.

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No, the weather! What's that in the distance?

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A tornado!

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Uh! A typhoon!

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Yeah. And a tidal wave!

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A bit of patchy fog!

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BOTH: Oh no! It's a total disaster!

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Ahh!

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Seat belt on please, madam.

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Seat backs upright, please, sir.

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You'll have to put that fridge freezer in the overhead locker.

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Ahem, assume brace position, please, sir.

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Thank you.

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CRASH

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BOTH: Aaaaaaaaaargh!

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'Oh, yeah, let's stop it. Cheeeeeeese!'

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Ooh, aaaah, ah.

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That's it...It's over.

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We survived.

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I know! And I thought we were never

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going to see our little darlings ever again!

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Awww. I mean, after all, we are just two ordinary air stewards

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who just happened to encounter a freak plane accident,

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were attacked by a killer shark,

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caught in a raging trouser inferno,

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and swallowed by an impossibly large storm.

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I mean, what are the chances of that?!

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Well, it's actually one in two billion point nine six four

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Recurring.

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Errrm...

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PING

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Gary? What's that noise?

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-PING

-'Warning. My batteries are low. Warning. My batteries are low.

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'Has anybody got a charger?

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'The little one with a sort of round bit?

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'No, not that one... bwwwwwuhhhh.'

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There's no-one to fly the plane!

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'Oh, no. It's a total disaster.'

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Oh! Cameron, I cannae take any more of this!

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Today's just been one disaster after another! We're doomed!

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Gary! Gary! Gary! Gary! Gary! Gary! Gary! Gary! Gary! Gary! Gary! Gary!

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Gary! Gary! Gary! Gary! Gary!

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Gary! Gary! Gary! Gary! Gary! Gary! Gary! Gary! Gary! Gary! Gary! Gary!

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Gary! Gary! Gary! Gary! Gary! Gary! Gary! Gary! Don't give up.

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We've got to get home. Twinkle and Butch are counting on us.

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AUDIENCE: Aww!

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What?

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OK. I'll try.

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The passengers! There must be somebody!

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No. I have absolutely no experience flying a commercial airliner.

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Sorry.

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Well, this is it, Cameron, you've been a good friend to me.

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You owe me 50 quid.

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Goodbye, friend!

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Goodbye!

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Wait! What's that?

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It's literally raining cats and dogs!

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It can't be! Butch?!

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Twinkle?!

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-Wuff!

-Miaow!

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BOTH: We're saved!

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CRASH

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'Roger, Todger, this is ATC Miami, you are cleared for landing.'

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Woof! Woof!

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'There's a good dog.'

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BOTH: Hooray!

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CRASH

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CHEERING

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'Prison's lock down. Prison's lock down.'

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SIREN WAILS BOTH: Hooray!

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Excuse me! I'm still waiting for that cappuccino!

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SILENCE

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Well, Larry? What do you think?

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-What about you lot, then?

-Yeah.

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What did you think? You look good, you like that?

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SCREAMING AND CHEERING

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SCREAMING

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-I cannot believe I just sat through that.

-Unbelieveable.

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Aaaaaaaargh!

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I'm ruined! Ruined, I tells yaaaa!

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No, no, no... Actually, Mr Weinsteinberger...

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we've had a new idea for a film!

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And this one has got singing...wait for it...sushi!

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'I don't believe it! They make the worst film in history

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'and try to get me, me, to pay them for another one!

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'The most pointless, useless, hopeless, ridiculous...'

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I love it!

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Here's the money!

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CHEERING

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