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Beast of Black Island

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Lights, camera, action!

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# We're Diddy Dick and Dom

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# And we're so excited

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# Our showbiz careers have been reignited

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# We've made it on to the silver screen

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-# With our Diddy Movies

-You're living the dream

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# We were down on our luck

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# We were burnt-out stars

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# Flipping burgers and washing cars

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# We waved goodbye to all our cares

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# Hello to Hollywood premieres

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# This time next year you'll be millionaires

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# Go Diddy Movies

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# Yeah. #

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It's Friday night! It's seven...

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It's half past six, it's quarter to four, flipping watch!

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You join us at the premiere of another Diddy Movie!

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Tonight, monster mayhem in The Beast Of Black Island!

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Warning - Not suitable for miners.

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-Excuse me, sorry.

-Hey, Larry!

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What happened to your faces?

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-Oh, we've been filming in Hawaii, luvvie!

-Luvvie!

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Luvvie. We've been catching some rays,

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and finishing the movie. Did we finish it?

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-Shall I apply the sunscreen, sweetie?

-In your own time, luv.

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Right, let's roll this thing! And it'd better be hot!

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Like my sausage!

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It's starting. It's starting!

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Diddy Movies presents...

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The Beast Of Black Island.

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Pull the main line! Climb the rigging!

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Make me a blancmange!

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# Dummy, dummy, dummy, dum um Dummy, dum, dum dum

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# Dummy, dummy, dummy, dum um Dummy, dum, dum dum...#

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CRASHING POTS AND PANS

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You know, it's not easy being Sir Ranulph Roundtree,

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-the greatest explorer in the world.

-You? Pah!

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I, Captain Horatio Bilge, am the world's greatest explorer.

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I discovered the lost dodo of Devon...

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SQUAWK AND GUNSHOT

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-..and I ate it.

-HE BURPS

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I discovered the mythical mongeese of Methusala...

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-SQUAWK AND GUNSHOT

-..and I ate it.

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HE BURPS

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Well, I discovered the elusive kitten of Kiri-te-kiwijuice...

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MACHINE GUN FIRE

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-Hang on. I thought that was extinct?

-It is now! Delicious!

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IT BREAKS WIND

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THEY SCREAM

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Oh, cobblers.

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I will discover the greatest discovery ever discovered,

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Since discovering the Discovery Channel.

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For I, Sir Ranulph Roundtree, will capture...

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the Beast of Black Island.

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ALL: Ooh!

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Piffle! I, Horatio Bilge, will capture the Beast of Black Island.

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Abandon ship! There's a d-d-d-d-d-d...

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DUCK!

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THEY SCREAM

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# Bobbing along

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# Bobbing along on the bottom of the beautiful briny sea

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# What a chance to get a better peep

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# At the plants and creatures of the deep

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# We glide

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# Far below the rolling tide

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# Serene

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# Through the bubbly blue and green

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# It's lovely, bobbing along

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# Singing a song

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# On the bottom of the beautiful briny

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# Shimmering shiny

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# Beautiful briny sea. #

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Horatio? Horatio?

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Horatio, come here now!

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Horatio!

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No!

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-Oh, it's you!

-It is!

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Yay. You're alive! Now, don't go off again!

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But I am an h-explorer.

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From now on, we h-explore, together.

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All right, then, h-explore this!

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Why don't you h-explore this!

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H-explore that!

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PAN PIPES PLAY

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Will you stop that?!

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Thank you.

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NATIVES TALK LOUDLY

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I think he's a native. Let me do this.

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I am fluent in over four million languages, including goat.

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HE ATTEMPTS TO CONVERSE

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SHE TALKS BACK

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I think she said "Jungle flaps."

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SHE COUGHS AND SNEEZES

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Sorry, I was just clearing my throat. Welcome, travellers.

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This is my island.

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Oh! Seems very nice.

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'180!'

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State your purpose. What have you come here for to Black Island?

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This is Black Island?

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Wait, wait, wait. If this is Black Island, then that must be...

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-What?

-..the beast!

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CREATURE ROARS

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LAUGHTER

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Will you stop laughing?

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It's supposed to be scary!

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Quickly, we must leave.

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I'm not going anywhere, luv. This is my greatest discovery yet.

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No, no, no. This is MY greatest discovery.

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-Shall we share it?

-OK.

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-Beastie! Oh, beastie!

-Please, I beg you!

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The beast is sacred to the island.

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If you disturb it, terrible things will happen.

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Whatever.

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Precious one, forgive us for what we have done.

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Friends?

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CREATURE ROARS AND SHE SCREAMS

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Hooray!

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Quick, it's getting away!

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I can see me mam's house!

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SHE SCREAMS

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'Roger, stand by, one.

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'Wait a second. Houston, we have a...'

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Tell me, what's happening?

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-I think it's still hungry!

-You can't eat us.

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-I'm your dad!

-What?

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Dad.

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And I'm your mum!

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Mum.

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This is incredible!

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Incredible.

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-Amazing!

-Amazing.

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We can make him say anything we want him to.

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Bum!

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Bum!

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HE LAUGHS

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Wait, wait. Egg trump!

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Egg trump.

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Cacky pants, potty pipes,

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fairy hammock, chuff nuts...

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Oh, this is the happiest day of my life!

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I'd pay good money to see this.

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Wait a minute! That's it!

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We'll take this show on the road! We can make a fortune!

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Oh, yes, luvvie!

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He could be one of the biggest comedy sensations

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this world's ever seen!

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Right, you big fat pink pom-pom,

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we're gonna make you a star!

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APPLAUSE

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My lords, ladies, gentlemen, ma'am.

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What you are about to witness will change the course of history

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and bring you to question the very nature of existence.

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Persons of a nervous disposition should put their heads in a bag,

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because we, Roundtree and Bilge, bring to you

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what will surely be known as the eighth wonder of the world!

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AUDIENCE GASPS

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Wee-wee gas, bum chutney, fartarama.

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APPLAUSE

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My guest this evening has, over the last few days,

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risen to the top of the show business ladder.

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His unique brand of biting wit

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and satire has redefined the comedy landscape.

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So, Big Pink Monster, what would you say

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was the secret to your extraordinary success?

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Hairy onion poo pants.

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LAUGHTER

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Yes, we can fit him in at ten o'clock on Tuesday,

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that'll be £10,000 and a Creme Egg.

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Chapter three -

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splatty burp juice, poo pate,

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sweaty booby, whiffy smears.

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Two long months later.

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What are we going to do? We haven't taken any bookings for him in ages.

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No-one's interested any more!

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I know, luvvie, it's ever since those

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street dancing worms have come on the scene.

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What are we going to tell him?

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PHONE RINGS

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Hello. Roundtree and Bilge,

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International Big Pink Naughty Monster Agency.

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Hmm.

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Yes, yes, yes. Yes, yes.

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No, I do not want to change my electricity supplier.

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Goodbye.

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MONSTER ROARS

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Wait. We're still waiting to hear about panto in Stoke-on-Trent!

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THEY SCREAM

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What the...?

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Oh, phew! It was just a dream.

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Must have been all those coconuts we ate.

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You know, for a moment,

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I thought we were going to be eaten by the Beast of...

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BEAST ROARS

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THEY SCREAM

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What the...?

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Oh, phew! It was just a dream.

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Must have been all that roasted weasel we ate.

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There was no storm.

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We didn't even go to Black Island!

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Sorry, old chum.

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But if we keep searching, maybe one day we might find the...

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CREATURE ROARS

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THEY SCREAM

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What the...?

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Oh, phew! It was just a dream.

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Must have been all that gerbil cheese we ate.

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So, we did never go on a ship?

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And we never did find the beast.

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But, Horatio, we must keep exploring.

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For I believe it exists.

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And one day, we'll capture the Beast Of Black Island!

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Well, Larry, What did you think?

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Larry?

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What about you lot? What did YOU think?

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE STOPS

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE RESUMES

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I cannot believe I have just...

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-Unbelievable!

-Oh, this is one for the ages!

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SHE SCREAMS

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I'm ruined! Ruined, I tell you!

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But Larry, we've got another idea for a film.

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And this one's got...badgers!

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'In 25 years as a movie producer

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'I've never met two such cockamamie, snake-bit...'

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I love it! Here's the money!

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Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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