Space Diddy Movies


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Lights, camera, action!

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# We're diddy Dick and Dom and we're so excited

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# Our showbiz careers have been reignited

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# We've made it onto the silver screen with our Diddy Movies

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# You're living the dream!

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# We were down on our luck we were burnt out stars

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# Flipping burgers and washing cars

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# But we waved goodbye to all our cares

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# Hello to Hollywood premiers

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# This time next year you'll be millionaires

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# Go, Diddy Movies. #

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Yes, it's another spec-tac-ular evening as you join us

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at the premiere of another Diddy Movie!

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Bace Voyage To Outer Bace - In Bace!

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I'm sorry. I can't say the word "space".

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Guys, you're five hours late!

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-Sorry, Larry. We had to finish something.

-Finish what?

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-The movie.

-Well, you better not let me down.

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I've got 14 wives and a Doberman to support!

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It's starting! It's starting!

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Give me my popcorn. Give me my popcorn.

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Can it!

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This girl is about to throw her brand new bike into a skip.

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Now she'll have to wait until next Christmas

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to go cycling with her friends.

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This boy is about to chuck his shoes into a stagnant pond.

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Now his socks will get wet on the way home.

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And this man has just dropped off his wife and three children

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at the recycling centre.

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They were all supposed to be going to the cinema tonight.

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Remember...

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This is it!

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Help!

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Diddy Movies presents...

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First Officer Trollop, this is the captain.

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Oh, yes, I am the captain! How brilliant. I am the captain.

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Me! Are YOU the captain?

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No, of course you're not the captain because I'm the captain. Me!

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Captain, captain, captain, captain!

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What do you want?

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Ah, we've received a mission from space high command - in space.

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"Find and arrest evil Commander Krudd".

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-Do you know where he is?

-No.

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But look what I've got - a new control panel

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with big shiny buttons!

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Ooh! Can I press a button?

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No! Because I am the captain. Me!

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BEEPS

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CAPTAIN LAUGHS

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-I wonder what that button does?

-Oh.

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ENGINE ROARS

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DOORBELL RINGS

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MONKEY SHRIEKS/BUBBLE POPS

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WHISTLE TOOTS/MUSIC PLAYS

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BURPING/GARGLING

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Arrgh!

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Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

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Meanwhile, on the evil Starship Krudd...

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Look at them, silly space cadets!

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They're falling right into our trap!

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THEY LAUGH

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Lemon face wipe?

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Oh, yes!

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'Emergency flamingo inflating.'

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'Emergency flamingo inflating.'

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I'm bored of this.

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CRACKLING/EXPLOSION

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What can we do?

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Maybe carry on our mission. Find evil Commander Krudd.

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Nah! Bo-ring!

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'Incoming emergency broadcast.'

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Hooray! Let's put it on the screen.

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'Please state password.'

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Bungleweed hairynips!

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'Password accepted.'

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Hello! Hello. Is it working?

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If anybody is watching this, we need rescuing!

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Oh, luvvie, that actress can't act to save her life!

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You're right. She gets killed in a minute.

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I'm trapped on the planet D Minus See Me.

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It's been hit by a terrible earthquake!

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I only have minutes left before...before...

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Before what?

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Before we get blown up!

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Trollop! Set a course immediately.

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Captain Awesome has a princess to rescue!

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-It's that way.

-Yeah, whatever.

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HORN TOOTS

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-HORN TOOTS

-Get lost!

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Arrrgh!

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Oh, thank goodness!

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They're here! I'm saved!

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SPLAT!

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Where is she?

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I can't see her anywhere.

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Must've been a hoax call. Come on, let's go.

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Look, space weevils!

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# Space weevils

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# We're the space weevils. #

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Arrrgh!

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-I hate space weevils.

-Yeah.

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Me too.

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# Space weevils

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# We're the space weevils. #

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Arrgh!

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# Space weevils... #

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Arrrgh!

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# Na-na, na-na... #

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Yaarrgh!

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# Na-na, na-na

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# Na-na, n-n-na

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# Na-na, n-n-na... #

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Arrrgh!

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Come on!

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THEY SQUEAL

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-Yarrrgh!

-Yarrrgh!

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WEEVILS SQUEAL

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Ha-ha!

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Space...weevils...

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Back on the evil Starship Krudd - in space...

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They're still falling right into our trap.

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Soon, Captain Awesome and his foolish assistant

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will be ours, all ours.

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THEY CACKLE

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We are brilliant.

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Yes, we are.

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Fancy a little kissy?

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-No!

-Oh.

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Activate reality distortion probe.

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WHOOSH

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Probe activated.

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Ha-ha, dirty button.

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What's going on?

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Give me a reading.

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Well, "It was a fine, dry day in Zingly Dale

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"and Lester the lamb was all tucked up in his blanket."

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Aww.

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-Now tell me what's going on.

-I don't know!

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EXPLOSION

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-Ship scientist, do you know what's going on?

-It's the planet.

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Some kind of instability flux synchrotron

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balsamic-infused curvy-wurvy wave field.

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BOTH: Arrrgh, we're all going to die!

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No, Captain. As I just said, it's the planet.

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Some kind of stability flux synchrotron...

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Arrrrrgh!

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We're all going to die!

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Actually, you are right, the planet is falling in on itself.

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If we don't run now, we're all going to get sucked into a black hole.

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RUN!

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Come on! Keep going!

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Faster!

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Whaaaa!

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See that, Larry? That cost 10 million quid.

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Oh...turkey.

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No-one has ever entered the Kingdom of the Black Knight and survived.

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Prepare to meet a slow, gruesome, medieval death.

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We can't because, um...

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Oh.

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Come on, fight me, you wimps.

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Oh, oh, we can't cos he...

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Nobody's opened the... Oooh!

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Whooooah!

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-That was weird.

-Tell me about it.

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Has anybody seen my weasel?

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Let's get out of here.

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-Oof.

-Ten, nine, eight,

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-seven, six...

-Three, two, one.

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Whaaa!

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HE GROANS

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See that, Larry? That cost 20 million quid.

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Raaargh!

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Ooof!

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Oh! Where are we? What happened?

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Who's hand am I holding?

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MUSIC: "Take My Breath Away" by Berlin

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BOTH: Aww, sweet.

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MUSIC STOPS

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Something pulled us off course.

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Some kind of tractor beam.

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# I've got a brand new combine harvester

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# And I'll give you the key... #

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-Who could be behind this?

-It was me, Captain! Ha-ha-ha!

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-Oi, and me!

-Oh, you are cheeky.

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Commander Krudd?

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Yes! I've always wanted to destroy you, Captain Awesome.

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Ever since you made a tastier souffle than me in home economics

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-at school.

-So now prepare to die!

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-No!

-Yes!

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-No!

-Do it!

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-No!

-Yes!

-Oh, just shoot him.

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EXPLOSION

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He shot us!

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I can't believe he shot us!

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EXPLOSION

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Oh, he shot us again!

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That is not fair.

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-Captain, you really need to...

-The worthless low-life piece of...

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Captain, will you stop?

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..tinky-winky, itty-bitty, horrible nasty poo face...

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'Initiating count down.'

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Oh, great.

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'Ten, nine, eight...

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-'six, six...'

-What's happening?

-'..five...'

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Now you've done it!

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'Three...two...'

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Happy new year!

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What happened?

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You transported the ship through time to 1st January 1977.

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Oh, yeah? How?

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This plot's rubbish, man.

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I don't see you making a better film!

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I don't know how, but thanks to your quick thinking,

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you saved everybody!

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Hooray! Happy new year, Trollop.

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Happy new year, Captain.

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Happy new year, Captain. Or should I say Lieutenant?

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I'll get you next time, Captain Awesome!

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Nnarr!

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Not if I get you first! Ha-ha-ha-ha!

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DISCO MUSIC PLAYS

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Well, Larry?

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What do you think?

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-Hmm.

-What about you lot? What do you think, eh?

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ALL SHOUT ANGRILY

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ALL SHOUT ANGRILY

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I cannot believe I just sat through that!

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Unbelievable. Outrageous.

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SHE SCREAMS

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I'm ruined! Ruined, I tell you!

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Actually, Mr Weinsteinberger, we've got a new idea for a movie, yeah.

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And this one's got synchronised turtles.

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'Just when I think Dick is the biggest palooka on the planet,

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'along comes Dom to steal the title!

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'Why I oughta, I oughta, I oughta and I'm gonna...

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I love it!

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Here's the money!

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Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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