That's Diddytainment! Diddy Movies

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Lights, camera, action!

# We're Diddy Dick and Dom

# And we're so excited

# Our showbiz careers have been reignited

# We've made it onto the silver screen

# With our Diddy Movies (You're living the dream)

# We were down on our luck

# We were burnt out stars

# Flipping burgers and washing cars

# We waved goodbye to all our cares

# Hello to Hollywood premieres

# This time next year you'll be millionaires

# Go, Diddy Movies!

# Yeah! #

Hello. I'm Quentin Hitchcliff, legendary film critic,

and I've interviewed some of the greatest names in cinematic history.

Yet despite this, I've been asked today

to discuss the work of Diddy Dick and Dom.

"Hugely talented", "cinematic giants",

"larger-than-life superstars".

Just some of the things that have never been said

about this pair of tinseltown terrors.

Persons of a nervous disposition should put their head in a bag,

because we, Rowntree and Bilge, bring to you

what will surely be known as the eighth wonder of the world.

AUDIENCE GASP

Wee-wee gas.

Bum chutney.

Fart-o-rama.

Oh, turkey!

DRUM ROLL

No-one enters the kingdom of the Black Knight and survives!

Prepare to meet a slow, gruesome, medieval death!

We should be calm...

Oh.

Come on, fight me, you wimps!

Oh, well, we can't, because... No, please, no!

Aaaah!

The tea boy!

Just as I predicted.

HE FARTS

He's been minned!

HE FARTS

Gentlemen, thank you for talking to me today.

An honour and a privet hedge.

Is this going to be long? We're in the middle of a movie!

The History Of The Universe, one of the biggest movies ever,

shot on location, in space.

But this is a special, devoted to your lives' work.

Oh, well, in that case, take your time, luvvie!

-Lovely.

-Luvvie!

Yes. Well, let's now examine your work in more detail.

One of your most controversial films to date is Dracula.

Draculaaaaaaaaaa!

That's what I said.

No, you said Dracula. It's Draculaaaaaaaaaa.

In fact, the original title was Draculaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...

..aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...

..aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...

..aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...

..aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...

That's incre...

..Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

-Thank you.

-Aaaa!

-Aaaa!

Let's now look at that film,

Draculaaaaaaaaaaa!

..Aaaaaaaaaa!

..Aa!

Aaaaaah!

-HORSE NEIGHS

-Aaaaah!

Aah! Oooh! Aah!

Oh!

So, I take that as a yes, then?

Push off!

Oh, what a lovely view! I can see my hou...

Bzzzzzzzzzz!

Bzzzzzzzzzzzz!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Bzzzzzzzzzz!

Now, you make your films together. How do you share the workload?

I do writing, directing, producing,

make up, wardrobe, lighting, camerawork...

I am Executive Beverage and Light Refreshment Producer.

Can I have two sugars and a plate of Garibaldis?

He won't be long, because he can't move. Best tea boy in the business.

Well, let's have another clip while we wait.

To learn kung boo, you must master the art of the unpredictable!

BELLS RING

Aaaaaah!

HORN

Please, can we just...

You must catch your opponent unawares.

EASTERN MUSIC PLAYS

Zzzzzzz!

How about these?

Zzzzzzzz!

Bwark! Bwark! Bwark!

No! How's that helping?

Human Man, the nation owes you a...

HE FARTS

That's better! ..a debt that can never...

HE FARTS

More tea, Archbishop?

Oh, man! That reeks! I'll get it later, all right?

Probably best.

Tell me about your work in front of the camera.

Diddy Dick is, without doubt, one of the finest actors I've ever seen.

No, no, no, luvvie. The camera simply loves Diddy Dom.

Well, I doth protest! When you act, the sun shines!

Well, when you act, the trees fill with blossom!

Well, when you act, a thousand angels sigh,

creating a heavenly wind that lifts our cassocks!

Well, when you act, tiny woodland creatures tremble in adoration,

and sing a song of love so that they bring joy to the world!

-Really?

-No.

I think you've proved you're about as good as each other.

Let's see you in action.

Horatio.

Horatio!

Horatio, come here!

Oh, Horatio!

No!

Oh, it's you.

Goodbye, friend!

Goodbye!

Wait! What's that?

It's literally raining cats and dogs!

It's can't be!

-Butch?

-Twinkle!

BOTH: We're saved!

And so, the young novice had agreed to fight the most fearsome

kung boo warrior in the whole of China.

In just three days' time.

Ha! What a total beansprout!

Truly awful.

I mean, truly awesome!

Now, many of your movies contain action sequences

and special effects. Do you do your own stunts?

Aaaaah!

Yes.

Oh!

He shot us!

I can't believe he shot us!

Oh! He shot us again!

That is not fair!

BOTH: Aaaah!

BOTH: Aaaah!

-RADIO:

-All units! The runaway train came down the track,

and she blew, she blew!

BOTH: Aaaah!

BOTH: Aaaah!

Ah!

Ha!

Ha-ha-ha!

Aaaah!

Big boulder nipple yanky surprise!

Seatbelt on, please, madam.

Seat backs upright, sir.

You'll have to put that fridge in the locker.

Oh, assume brace position, please, sir.

Thank you.

THUNDERCLAP BOTH: Aaaah!

That must have cost a lot of money.

You must have a very generous, understanding,

and handsome backer to support you.

Oh, we never discuss money, dear. It's so vulgar!

We have a grubby little man that deals with all that for us.

Grubby little man! Grubby little man! Why...

Oh, look! What a coincidence!

Our grubby little man is a sausage muncher, too.

And he sweats a lot.

Yes, well, it's time for another distraction. I mean, clip!

And what better way to change the subject than with a song.

# There's no-one quite like Brad

# There's no-one quite like Brad. #

Oh, Brad!

# We glide

# Far below the rolling tide

# Serene

# Through the bubbly blue and green

# It's lovely. #

# Eat your friends, eat your friends

# When you're at your wits' end

# When they drive you round the bend

# Eat your friends

# Steam 'em, boil 'em

# Make a kebab

# Chew 'em, fry them

# Crack them like a crab! #

# Prom night

# Prom night

# Prawn night

# No, prom night

# Prom night

# Prom night

# Prom night! #

Quentin.

Quentin!

-Quentin!

-Oh!

Oh, is it over?

Now it's time to talk about your cheapest work.

-I mean, your best work.

-How can you possibly narrow it down?

Yes. You see, each Diddy movie is like a newborn baby to us.

Difficult to deliver, impossible to understand,

and always needs changing.

No! Special, enchanting, and full of life.

No, I'm not talking about your movies,

I'm talking about your Diddy adverts.

Ed's Fast Food on the High Street!

Burger and chips, please.

I'm not having that!

Where's me chips?

Oh! Thank you!

Ed's Fast Food on the High Street.

Tastes disgusting, but it's really fast!

You need Baby-let-one-off!

She laughs, she cries.

-BABY FARTS

-She farts like a foghorn!

Pump her arm, and she'll pump out a tune!

BABY FARTS: "Land Of Hope And Glory"

But whatever you do, don't pull her finger!

That was entertaining.

Far better than that movie rubbish, and much cheaper.

Now, steady on, Quentin!

I don't think this is Quentin at all.

The sausage, the sweating, all that talk of money.

It can only be...

Yeah, Larry Weinsteinburger! It was me all along.

But why, Larry?

Because I'm sick of paying for your lame-brained ideas!

None of them are any good, and they cost me millions.

Now the latest, The History of The Universe,

shot entirely in space!

The costs are out of this world!

So, I thought I'd distract you with your favourite subject.

BOTH: Us.

Exactly. So, while I get the crew to close the set...

I'm axing the film, and I'm axing you,

and I never want to hear another of your ideas again! Capiche?

It's a real shame, Larry.

We've saved our best idea till last.

Really?

You see, we play two brilliant, but misunderstood movie stars.

Don't forget handsome!

We play two brilliant, handsome, but misunderstood movie stars,

who have to try and outwit their mean and devious boss.

Don't forget hideously ugly!

Outwit their mean, devious and hideously ugly boss into backing

their ideas, and handing over lots of cash.

-VOICEOVER:

-That is the most hopeless, useless, fatuous,

specious, numb-bummed idea I ever...

I love it!

BOTH: Aaaaah!

Here's the money!

# Go Diddy Movies, yeah! #