Human-Man Diddy Movies

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Lights, camera, action!

# We're Diddy Dick and Dom

# And we're so excited

# Our showbiz careers have been reignited

# We've made it onto the silver screen

-# With our Diddy Movies

-You're living the dream!

# We were down on our luck We were burnt out stars

# Flipping burgers and washing cars

# We waved goodbye to all our cares

# Hello to Hollywood premieres

# This time next year you'll be millionaires

# Go, Diddy Movies

# Yeah! #

Ladies, gentlemen, and robots secretly living as people,

as you plot to take over the world.

Welcome to another Diddy Movie premiere!

Tonight, the superhero epic, "Human Man. Man of Man!"

Superhero movies always make money!

Only an idiot could mess up a superhero movie!

Which is why I'm worried! Thinking what a mess you could make!

It's got hit written all over it!

It's about a superhero, with a secret identity...

I know what a superhero is.

You seem to know a lot about superheroes.

Psst. Maybe HE's the superhero.

He's probably got his costume on under his suit!

Gasp! Mr Weinsteinberger is the String Vest Man!

Did you bring me here to show me a movie,

-or bring me here to mess about?

-Is that a trick question?

Run the film!

'Ed's Fast Food on the High Street.'

Burger and chips, please!

Oi! I'm not having that!!

Where's my chips?

Thank you!

'Ed's Fast Food on the High St.

'It tastes disgusting, but it's really fast!'

APPLAUSE

Oooh, this is it!

Welcome to my lair.

-I mean, lab!

-Here, I, Richter Von Cork,

plan to take over the world!

I mean, research bottom medicine.

Do you have any questions before I have you all killed?

I mean, before lunch!

Clint Cant, Daily Diddy.

Is there any truth in the rumour that you are actually

a crazed supervillain? You certainly look like one!

Why, you cheeky little... Well spotted, my friend!

The reason I look this way

is that I have a rare condition,

meaning I have never pumped.

I have been filling up with gas since I was a baby.

Still I have found no cure.

Even my strongest laxative botty biscuits haven't worked.

I just keep getting bigger, and still I cannot...

-HE FARTS

-Exactly!

-HE FARTS

-OK, you've made your point.

-HE FARTS

-Are you taking the Mick?!

No, I'm trying not to follow through!

-HE FARTS

-Oh! That was a close one!

As you can see, I am no supervillian!

Everything that happens here is nice and evil...

Cuddly!

I've escaped! Ha-ha-ha!

Argh! Argh!

Take him back to the dungeon. I mean, happy room!

Sorry, just someone I've been bombarding with radiation, for fun.

I mean, important scientific research!

Now, gentlemen, follow me this way.

I'll introduce you to someone I've been feeding cabbage to

for the last ten years.

You might want to hold your noses.

Ah! Ah! Ooh! Argh!

HE FARTS

Flipping biscuits!

I feel different! I've been bitten by a radio-active man!

-Like Spiderman! Brilliant!

-Ssh!

-Ssh!

-Ssh!

-Ssh!

-Ssh!

I now have the powers of a human being!

I shall call myself Human Man!

Better get a costume!

Our top story. Buildings have been mysteriously collapsing

all across the country.

Police suspect... me! The Newsreader of Doom!

SHE LAUGHS

Here's goes another one!

SCREAMS

Now, the weather. It's raining and it's all my fault!

Tee-hee-hee! I might make it hail later!

Aah-haa-haa!

Not so fast, Newsreader of Doom!

Oh, no! Caught! How will I ever survive your powers of...

Sorry, what were your powers, again?

I am Human Man. Man of Man!

-I can do anything a human can.

-THEY LAUGH

So, you're just a bloke in a leotard?

Well, I mean...

Oops! Looks like you're in a spot of rubble! Ha-ha! Oh.

Not more of you. Who are you two?

We're Bapman and Sausage, and you're in for a bap wrap mustard slap!

Argh!

Look at her. She's like an out of work actor.

-How do you mean, Sausage?

-She's between 'rolls'!

THEY LAUGH

OK, Human Man, let's get you back to superhero HQ, get you patched up!

Superhero HQ! Wow.

Yes, but you must tell no-one of its secret location!

-You've done this place up smashing.

-Thank you, dear.

We've tried to combine the modern with the traditional.

Ooh. What's that?

That, my human-powered friend,

means something evil is infecting this planet.

It's coming from just outside Leicester.

It's working! Ha-ha-ha!

Ooh, that were a smashing plate of beans, pickled eggs,

and onion bhajis, dear.

-Well, I've opened all the windows, love. So, in your own time.

-Right.

That's odd.

Try giving it a little poke, dear.

HE GROANS

This has never happened before, Marjorie. I can't trump.

HE CRIES

THEY GROAN

Human Man, Sausage. This is important.

I need you both to guff for me, right now.

That's easy!

I have the powers of a human being, and they sure can honk.

Some can play tunes.

HE FARTS A TUNE

HE GROANS

Not even a squeaker! What does this mean, Bapman?

-It means...

-FANFARE BLARES

-It means...

-FANFARE BLARES

Not yet, OK?

It means someone has developed

the world's most dangerous machine.

A detrumpifier!

OK, now!

FANFARE BLARES

Good evening. Our top story tonight. It's now been over a week

since anyone on the planet let one off.

Even the Prime Minister has been affected.

It is with great regret that, for the first time since becoming

Prime Minister, I am unable to cut the cheese.

REPORTER: Prime Minister. Have you considered your position, sir?

And now, to other stories.

A series of daring thefts have been committed by...

.. me, the Newsreader of Doom!

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

PHONE RINGS Excuse me.

Hello? What? Somebody's already got that name?

What about "the New Newsreader of Doom?"

"The Evil Newsman"? What about "the Newsmeister"?

This is ridiculous. I'll call you back.

More on that story later.

Professor Von Cork, the world needs your help.

We need to relieve the pressure!

I need six billion of your laxative botty biscuits,

or the world goes, "Boom!"

No!

What do you mean, "No"? We need them to stop the detrumpifier!

Really? A detrumpifier? Like this one?

-It's you!

-Yes!

The biscuits were just a cover-up. I like being a gasbag!

And now, I will rule the world!

Not if I have anything to do with it.

Because, I am Human Man!

I possess all the special powers of a human being!

Feel the force of...human hand!

Let me know when you're doing it, won't you(?)

Feel the power of human foot!

No.

Excuse me. Do you mind if I just use a phone?

-No.

-Thanks.

Just be a minute.

Hello. This is Human Man. I need... What?

Surrender, Von Cork! You're no match for my sausage power.

We'll bap wrap and smother you in fried onions,

-before you can say, "Salmonella". Right, Bapman?

-You said it.

Really? What about bangers and mash?

Ah! His only weakness!

Devilish! However, not to fear, Sausage. For Bapman is invincible!

Yes? What about toasted Bapman?

Argh! A toasting! I'm finished. It's up to you now, Human Man.

The fate of the world rests in your hands.

Then the world is finished. He has no powers to defeat me!

What about the power of... human finger!

Uh-oh!

He's going to blow! Everybody out!

HE FARTS

Ah, the worst is over now.

Good evening. This is the news, with me, Dr Newsmonster.

Seriously, that's all they had left.

There were celebrations today, as the detrumpifier

was destroyed, and normal trouser service was resumed.

Human Man, the nation owes you a...

HE FARTS

Ooh, that's better! A debt of gratitude that can never be...

-HE FARTS

-More tea, Archbishop?

Man, that reeks! I'll come back and get it later!

Probably best.

But, before I go, I must just say this.

Wherever there is injustice, wherever...

-HE FARTS

-Ooh, there goes the state banquet!

You know what? Forget the big speech.

You know where to find me!

Well, Larry? What do you think?

-What about you lot?

-BOTH: What do you think? Eh?

BOOING AND SHOUTING

That was the worst movie I've ever seen! I'm ruined!

But Larry, we've got a new idea for a film!

Yes, it's called...

..Goatbusters!

Every sheep is going to want to go and see it!

That's a lot of sheep! I love it! Here's the money!

APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd