Murder on the Norwich Express Diddy Movies

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Lights, camera, action.

# We're Diddy Dick and Dom

# And we're so excited

# Our showbiz careers have been reignited

# We've made it on to the silver screen

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# We were down on our luck

# We were burnt out stars

# Flipping burgers and washing cars

# We waved goodbye to all our cares

# Hello to Hollywood premieres

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# Go Diddy Movies

# Yeah. #

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another Diddy Movie premiere!

Please take your seats...from the shed and give them a wipe down.

Tonight's movie is the mysterious whodunit,

Murder On The Norwich Express.

SCREAMING

Excuse me. I just sat on my sandwich.

Don't worry, Larry,

-this time, we've listened to your advice.

-Really?

You said whatever we do, we must make this movie rude.

No! I said good. Make this movie good!

-Should we cut the farting foxes then?

-No, that's the best bit.

Oh, look!

'The following advert is an advert.'

Fudge. Fudge.

Fudge. Fudge.

Fudge.

Fuuuudge. Fudge!

Not fudge. Fudge. Available now from this theatre.

-Oh, this is it! Break a leg!, luvvie.

-Really?

-Yep!

Aargh! Agh! Ow! Ah! Done it.

'Diddy Movies presents Murder On The Norwich Express.'

'Greetings. I am Francois Le Fondue.

'The great French detective. The greatest detective in the world.

'No, the greatest detective in the whole universe.'

Yes, I am pretty amazing.

'Yes, you are. Mwah! Mwah!

'It was early morning in London

and after concluding a brilliant investigation

into the curse of the Queen's armpit, I was off to take a rest.

HE SCREAMS

-Higgins, you pig!

-Yes. Sorry.

You call that an accent?

I'm actually half French. See?

Higgins! You imbecile!

You nearly hurt this massive detective brain!

The brain that solved the case of the missing walnut.

-I solved the case of the missing walnut.

-Did not.

-I found it under the sofa!

-Silence!

-Yes, yes.

You will never match the brilliance of Fondue!

'All aboard!'

-Er, Mr Fondue?

-Say you're sorry.

-Sorry.

-Like you mean it.

-Sorry!

Still don't believe you.

Sorry, sorry, sorry!

-Please?!

-OK, fine.

And so we were off, the Norwich Express taking us

far, far away, to give me and my massive brain

a well-earned holiday.

Can I take your order, please?

So, are you sure there won't be some kind of terrible murder mystery?

Don't be so stupid, Higgins!

I would know if there was going to be a crime.

I am a great detective.

And I detect that nothing is about to...

Like I said. Nothing is about to...

Agh! The tea boy!

Hmm. Just as I predicted.

-He's been... Mooned!

-Mooned?

Yes, that's what I said. Mooned.

Alert the authorities.

There is a mooner on board this train.

And I, Francios Le Fondue, will find out...who done it!

BLOWS RASPBERRY

Oh, isn't he cute?

We were in that tunnel for several seconds.

-Anyone on board this train could be the mooner.

-Mooner?

Mooner. It could be...

The bitter business man.

Blah, blah, blah, blabber, blabber, blabber. Eat my face!

The crazy chocolatier.

Chocolat, chocolat, honk-he, honk-he-haw.

But by my powers of detection,

I am pretty sure that it is the goofy granny!

Hello, dear.

-No. It can't be her. She's all lovely and that.

-Shut up!

I am the detective and I'm pretty sure that she is proper shifty.

GRANNY SCREAMS

THEY SCREAM

We searched the entire train, but nothing.

The mysterious mooner was still at large.

Maybe extra large.

'This train is reversing. This train is reversing.'

-The only one place we haven't tried is la lavatoire.

-Yes, yes.

-Eugh!

-I quite like it.

Let's sweep for clues.

-I like sweeping, sweeping for clues!

-Me too!

Sweeping there, sweeping the bottom. Nothing.

-Let's dust for prints.

-I like dusting for prints!

Me too! Dusting here. Dusting there. Nothing.

-Did you find any prints?

-Yes! This prince!

I bring important news from the rotten state of Denmark.

I don't like that prince.

Look, a clue! Crisps.

'Finally, I was on the trail of the mooner.

-'What about me?

-Will you shut up?!'

Look, I found a yoghurt pot!

No! I found a yoghurt pot!

SMASH!

Look, I found a pink tutu.

No, I found the pink tutu!

SMASH!

Look, I found some old underpants!

Yes, you did.

SMASH!

Stop right there!

He must be the mooner! Get him!

Good evening, madams!

Have you ever thought about how long it takes to shave your back?

That can be a thing of the past with the new shave deluxe.

Stop right there!

-Who are you?!

-I am Francoise Le Fondue.

-And HE, he is not important.

-I'm not.

-And YOU are under arrest.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Oi!

Tickets, please!

Here you are.

Thanks.

Stop in the name of the law!

# To the left, to the left... #

Don't do it, monsieur!

HE SOBS

-Monsieur, you confess that...

-HE SOBS

You confess that you did it?

Yes, all right, I confess!

-It was me!

-BOTH: Yes!

-I took the spare biscuits!

-The old biscuit ploy.

-Do you confess that you are the mooner?

-The mooner?

Oh, no, I'm not the mooner.

I just nicked some custard creams.

AUDIENCE MURMUR

Although, now you come to mention it,

-I know who the mooner is.

-Really?

It's...it's...

-BLOWS RASPBERRY

-Sacrebleu! And we were so close!

Now we're never going to know who the mooner is.

I mean, if it's not the guard then who could it...

-Of course!

-What?

-It's obvious!

-What?

-I can't believe I didn't see it before!

-What?!

-The mooner is...

You, Mr Train Driver!

-SIGHS:

-Oh, all right, Guv. It's a fair cop.

You followed the clues?

The spanner in the guard's room,

leading you to the compartment behind the buffet,

where you discovered ketchup from my sandwich

which led you here to make your final deductions.

No, actually, you're the only person left who hasn't been mooned.

-Oh. Right.

-So you just blagged it?

Whatever. Boys, take him away.

There's one thing I don't understand.

Yes, my stupid friend?

-If the driver's gone to prison...

-Oui?

Who's going to stop the train?

THEY SCREAM

'All units. The runaway train came down the track,

'and she blew. Repeat. She blew.'

Don't worry, Larry, we said you'd pay for the damage.

THEY CONTINUE SCREAMING

THEY SCREAM

THEY SCREAM

Higgins, this is the end!

-Phew! I'm off.

-Oi! Not the actual end!

Oh. Oh...

I have it!

-Divert this train to Bath!

-To Bath?

Yes. Divert this train to Bath.

# Splish splash I was taking a bath

# On a Saturday night

# Yes, rub-a-dub just relaxing in the tub

# Thinking everything was all right. #

Well, Larry? What did you think?

What about you lot?

What did you think, eh?

THE AUDIENCE SHOUT AND BOO

That was rubbish!

I want my money back!

I cannot believe I have just sat through that.

WOMAN SCREAMS

I'm ruined! Ruined, I tell you!

Actually, Mr Weinsteinberger...

-we've got another idea for a film!

-Yes, and this film has...

..jam in a bag!

'Those two are unique creatures.

'They're the only men I know who have got a bum for a brain.

'A bum for a brain, I tell you, and that's a waste of a bum.

'Why do I bother?

'That's the most stupid thing...' I love it!

Here's the cash!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd