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Fight! Diddy Movies

Fight!

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Transcript

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Lights, camera, action.

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# We're Diddy Dick and Dom

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# And we're so excited

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# Our showbiz careers have been reignited

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# We've made it on to the silver screen

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-# With our Diddy Movies

-(You're living the dream)

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# We were down on our luck

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# We were burnt out stars

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# Flipping burgers

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# And washing cars

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# We waved goodbye to all our cares

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# Hello to Hollywood premieres

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# This time next year you'll be millionaires

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# Go Diddy Movies

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# Yeah. #

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Ladies, gentlemen and my psychotherapist Sally,

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welcome to another Diddy Movie premiere.

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Tonight, it's the martial arts mega piece

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Fight! The Way Of The Wedgie.

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Huh-huh, huh-ya.

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-Mr Weinsteinberger.

-That's me.

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-Mr Weinsteinberger.

-I said, that's me.

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Me and Diddy Dick have brought you a present.

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-It is a souvenir from the set.

-Oh, really?

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It's the director.

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Dark.

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Dark! Dark! DARK!

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Listen. This movie cost me a fortune.

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If it flops, I'll see to it that you guys never work in this town again.

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-What about the next town?

-No.

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-The next, next town?

-No.

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What about the next, next, next, next, next, next...

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Can it!

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Your doll may look like a real baby and feel like a real baby,

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but does it smell like a real baby?

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Looks like you need Baby Let-One-Off.

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-She laughs, she cries.

-PARP

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She farts like a foghorn.

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Pump her arm and she'll pump out a tune.

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# PARP, PARP, PARP-PARP, PARP, PARP. #

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But, whatever you do, don't pull her finger.

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Baby Let-One-Off accepts no responsibility

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for accidental injury.

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It is not recommended for children, adults, animals.

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Keep away from flames.

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This is it! Diddy Dick.

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I'm so excited, I could, I could...

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Cut that out!

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You're scaring me.

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I am Minky the Monkey.

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In mountains of China, ancient wisdom dictates

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that true warrior can only be born under starless sky.

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He must go on long journey, learn many great things.

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Courage of a thousand tigers.

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Strength of a thousand ox.

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Humility of a th...

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Huh!

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Diddy Movies present...

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In 3-D.

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Oh, 3-D.

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Who dares to take on The Viper? Hmm?

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Nobody has ever defeated me.

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-Ah!

-Ah!

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Huh? You are all weak! Ha-ha.

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Nobody dares to take on The Viper. Nobody!

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I'll take on The Viper.

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< Flippin' idiot.

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And who are you, weedy warrior?

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Hurrrrrgh-ugh.

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I am Jimmy Ginger.

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I was born in the Mountains of Li Ning.

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My parents were abducted by aliens.

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I was raised by ants in the forest.

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And now, I have come here to fulfil my destiny

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and become a master of kung fu.

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Kung fu? Flippin' idiot.

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You think this is kung fu? This isn't kung fu!

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Isn't it?

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No! This is kung boo!

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Allow me to demonstrate.

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You see, Jimmy, kung boo is like kung fu, but with one difference.

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To win at kung boo, you must master art of surprise.

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See?

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Hi-ya.

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Very good kung boo. Cheesy foot in face, very surprising.

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Haaa.

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Urgh!

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Ah! Double surprise. Licky tongue on cheesy foot in face.

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One-all.

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Aaaah.

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Eeeeeeh.

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Ya.

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Argh!

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# Consider yourself at home

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# Consider yourself one of the family. #

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Ultimate surprise. Singing sausage of death.

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Winner is The Viper.

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And that is why, Mr Ginger, you will never beat me.

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Because I am the top dog and you are the puny poodle.

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Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

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You may laugh, but I'll be back and, one day, I'll beat you.

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OK. How about...

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this Saturday?

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Yeah? Winner gets ten million yen.

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Be there, puny poodle.

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I'm not scared of you!

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PARP

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PARP

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PARP

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PARP

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PARP

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And so, the young novice had agreed to fight

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the most fearsome kung boo warrior in the whole of China.

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In just three days' time.

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Ha! What a total bean sprout.

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Ah-ha-ha-ha.

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Ha-ha!

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This boy going to need some help.

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Ah! Huh-huh-huh.

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I'm looking for a trainer called Segal.

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-My name is...

-I know who you are.

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Oh. I'm...

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I know what you want.

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-I...

-I know.

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Actually, no, I don't know. It doesn't matter.

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-I'm not going to train you.

-But kung boo is my destiny.

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You? You have a body like a rubber band.

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You have muscles like a jellyfish.

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You have amazing eyes. And I love what you've done with your hair.

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Oh, thank you very much.

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No problem.

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Go. Get out of here. You're a flimflam loser who wants his mummy.

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-You wouldn't stand a fight against a kitten.

-I would.

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Argh!

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LAUGHTER

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-Ha-ha-ha-ha. Give me five. Yeah.

-Meow.

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And now, we train.

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To learn kung boo, you must master the art of...surprise!

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HOOVES APPROACH

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Aw.

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-CRUNCH

-Ow!

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Ow, you little... What was that for?

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You must master...

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the unpredictable!

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BELL RINGS

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Argh!

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-Please, can we...

-You must catch your opponent unawares.

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Argh!

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Oooh!

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And so, over many long days,

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Jimmy Ginger worked tirelessly to master the art of kung boo.

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Oooh, ah! Ah!

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And was rubbish.

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Now, you are ready for your final lesson.

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The way of the wedgie.

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-The way of the wedgie.

-No!

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The waaaay of the wedgieeeee.

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What I'm about to tell you should not be revealed to anyone

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except your mum.

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Oh.

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THEY WHISPER

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Wooo!

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And now, the prize fight.

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The champion. Viper.

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Yeah!

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The challenger. Jimmy Ginger.

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When you first came to me, I didn't want to train you.

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And now, I wish I hadn't.

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But it's too late. So, good luck.

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Ha-zee.

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Go on, nut him!

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Aaaaaah!

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Ah!

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Huh.

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Ha-zay-ya!

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Waaa!

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Big boulder, nipple-yanky surprise. One-nil.

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Yaaah. Yah!

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Ah!

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Ah! Doppelganger, bursting balloon-face surprise. Two-nil.

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Ah!

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Grrrr.

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Yes, I need them right away. Thank you.

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Ooooh.

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Flying, million-poppadom-order surprise. Three-nil to Viper.

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Eurgh. Eurgh.

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(The way of the wedgie.)

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(The way of the wedgie.)

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I-I can't hear you.

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(The way of the wedgie.)

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What?

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-Do the way of the wedgie!

-Oh, yeah.

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Oh, yeah. Thanks.

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SNAP

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We have a new champion. Jimmy Ginger.

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Not so fast!

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OK. Weeee have aaaa neeeew champiiiiion.

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No, no, no. I mean, you might want to reconsider the result,

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when you find out that it is actually...

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-me!

-Ah!

-Ah!

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Ha! The Viper! Ha-ha-ha-ha.

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You've got to be kidding me!

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-It's clever, huh?

-Eh?

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And little poodle Jimmy is the loser! Ha-ha-ha!

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Wedgie-bluff, rubber-face, swappy surprise. So what?

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That's nothing. Watch this!

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Double-face-monkey, pully dance down!

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# Everybody was kung fu fighting

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# Those cats were fast as lightning... #

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Hah, hah.

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Well, Larry? What did you think?

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What about you lot? What did you think?

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THEY ALL SHOUT AND SCREAM

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-I cannot believe I have just sat through that.

-Unbelievable.

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Ah!

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I'm ruined! Ruined, I tell you.

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But, Larry, we've got another idea for a movie.

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Yes, except this one's all about a ham and cheese sandwich.

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'I can't believe he had the barefaced cheek to even suggest that.

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'I'm going to tell 'em, I'm going to lay it on the line.

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'I can't take it no longer. I, I...'

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I love it! Here's the cash.

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-Yey!

-Yey!

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