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Lights, camera, action!
# We're Diddy Dick and Dom
# And we're so excited
# Our showbiz careers have been reignited
# We've made it on to the silver screen
-# With our Diddy Movies
-You're living the dream
# We were down on our luck
# We were burnt out stars
# Flipping burgers and washing cars
# We waved goodbye to all our cares
# Hello to Hollywood premieres
# This time next year you'll be millionaires
# Go Diddy Movies
# Yeah. #
'Ladies and gentlemen! Another Diddy Movie premiere is about to begin.
'If you have a mobile phone, please can you...
'order me a pizza? Deep-pan cheese-o-rama.
'Tonight's feature presentation is the spine-chilling
Listen. All of you guys' last movies have cost me a fortune.
Why should this one be any different?
But Mr Weinsteinberger, we give you our word!
Yeah. Look. Here it is.
See? Jigglebum. That's our word.
Quit kidding around, capisce?
OK, Larry. Look, it's going to be a hit!
Draculaaa is going to be so scary,
people will be quaking in their boots!
-And quacking in their pants.
'Piracy is killing the film industry.
'Do not pirate this movie.
'Do not film it.
'Do not perform it, recite it, mention it.
'Do not even think about it once you have left this theatre.
'If anyone asks you a question about this film,
'report them immediately to FATPAM...'
'Telling people about movies is killing our business.'
Oh! Oh! This is it! This is it!
'Diddy Movies present...
Look! It's us!
And so, Miss Farridge, you see, henceforth, forthwith,
in a manner of speaking, furthermore, in a sense,
as I say, if you could imagine for a minute....
Yawn, yawn, yawn!
Professor Claridge, you are the most boring man in the whole world!
Really? The most boring man in the world?
Oh, Miss Farridge, you do flatter me!
Will you... I mean, would you, could you for a minute...?
What, what, what?!
Ooh! Ah! Ow! Ooh! Ooh! Ow!
So I, er... I take that as a yes, then?
Wait! Miss Farridge! You can't go!
-SHE CLEARS THROAT
He broke it.
Miss Farridge! Sweet potato! What are you doing? This could be dangerous.
It is said that the count that resides...
I am the 15th Count Draculaaa.
And who are you?
Oh! I am Miss Farridge - the most lush, fit lady in the whole world.
-And all the blokes agree, all right?
Oh. And he is a dirty old windbag.
Hmm, I see-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e...
Um, can we, er...
-Can we, er...
Hm! Look! Can we stay in your house or what?
Why, certainly. And if you are hungry,
I could give you a... bite!
That'd be nice. I'm starving! I hope you've got crisps.
No! No, wait! Miss Farridge!
SPOOKY ORGAN MUSIC STARTS UP
I'm trying to sleep in here!
This is so antisocial. It's like...
Thought it was a spider. It's only a bit of fluff.
I came right away, henceforth, with haste.
Oh, my love-e-ly, pum-a-kin.
My... My noodly-chop.
My sweet pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa.
-What are you doing, you big, fat, wet idiot?
ORGAN MUSIC CONTINUES
It's coming from over there.
No! Miss Farridge! My little fluffy lamb! Wait!
Chillax! It's only the count.
Ahh! You came.
You too, professor. Do not be shy!
Mwah-ha-ha-ha-ha! I thought you might like a little midnight snack.
Ooh, crisps! Brill - I love crisps!
HE PLAYS "The Final Countdown" by Europe
# Ooh! Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh! #
No, no! Miss Farridge, I implore you!
Look, just keep your wig on! I'll save you one.
No! It is to be believed that the Count is dangerous.
-He might be a... Argh!
Do not be afra-a-aid, Miss Farridge.
Oh - no, no, no. I'm not afra-a-aid.
No, I'm relieved. He's a pain in the neck!
Ahhh! And such a pretty neck!
# Kiss, kiss me
# Say you miss, miss me... #
I'm so glad that you like my little nibbles.
Perhaps...just one more.
Will you just back off? You're starting to freak me out.
All that hissing and showing your teeth. It's well creepy.
I said no!
Ouch! Has anybody got any aspirin?
Right! You asked for it!
# Hold, hold me close to you
# Hold me, see me through
# With all your heart's protection... #
Come on, baby! Wah-ha-ha! Come to Daddy!
ORGAN PLAYS NOTES
THEY PLAY "Chopsticks"
BOTH: # Kiss me once again
# Make my dreams come true-oo-oo! #
Oh, shut your mouth!
Relaaax. In a moment, it will all be over.
-Oh! Ha-ha-ha! Please stop!
It tickles! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Ooh! Ha-ha-ha!
DICK BLOWS RASPBERRY
Hey! Cut that out!
What has he done to you? The monster!
Oh! My sweet peach!
Oh! My cookie dough!
My wireless dongle!
BLOWS RASPBERRY Argh! Get away from me! Argh!
No, no, no! Argh!
No, no! Argh! Argh!
Oh, dear. My...
Oh! What a lovely view!
Miss Farridge, please!
Ahem! Excuse me!
Do you mind? This is MY section of guttering.
Miss Farridge, stop!
This isn't you! You're a lovely, lovely, sweet, sweet lady.
BLOWS RASPBERRY Save me.
Be my wife.
Sorry. Excuse me.
-Have I missed anything?
THEY PLAY "I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles"
-TO THE MELODY OF THE SONG:
# Pth-pth-pth-pth! Pth-pth-pth-pth!
ALL: # Pth-pth-pth-pth-pth-pth! #
Well, Larry? What did you think?
What about you lot? What did YOU think?
THEY SCREAM AND SHOUT IN RAGE
POLICE SIREN WAILS
SCREAMING AND SHOUTING CONTINUES
I cannot believe I have just sat through that.
I'm ruined! Ruined, I tell you!
Actually, Mr Weinsteinberger...
we've had a new idea for a film...
And this one has... HE CLEARS THROAT
'# Dick or Dom? Dick or Dom?
'# Who is the most stupid one? #
'It's Dick! No, it's Dom!
'Here it comes, boys. I hope you're ready.'
I love it! Here's the money!
DICK AND DOM CHEER
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd