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Draculaaaaa

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Lights, camera, action!

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# We're Diddy Dick and Dom

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# And we're so excited

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# Our showbiz careers have been reignited

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# We've made it on to the silver screen

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-# With our Diddy Movies

-You're living the dream

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# We were down on our luck

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# We were burnt out stars

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# Flipping burgers and washing cars

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# We waved goodbye to all our cares

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# Hello to Hollywood premieres

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# This time next year you'll be millionaires

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# Go Diddy Movies

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# Yeah. #

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'Ladies and gentlemen! Another Diddy Movie premiere is about to begin.

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'If you have a mobile phone, please can you...

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'order me a pizza? Deep-pan cheese-o-rama.

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'Tonight's feature presentation is the spine-chilling

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-'Draculaaa!'

-EVIL LAUGH

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Listen. All of you guys' last movies have cost me a fortune.

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Why should this one be any different?

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But Mr Weinsteinberger, we give you our word!

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Well...OK.

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Yeah. Look. Here it is.

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See? Jigglebum. That's our word.

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Quit kidding around, capisce?

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OK, Larry. Look, it's going to be a hit!

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Draculaaa is going to be so scary,

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people will be quaking in their boots!

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-And quacking in their pants.

-HE CHUCKLES

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'Piracy is killing the film industry.

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'Do not pirate this movie.

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'Do not film it.

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'Do not perform it, recite it, mention it.

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'Do not even think about it once you have left this theatre.

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'If anyone asks you a question about this film,

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'report them immediately to FATPAM...'

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'Telling people about movies is killing our business.'

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Nanny state.

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Oh! Oh! This is it! This is it!

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-Ooh.

-Ah!

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Ha-ha!

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'Diddy Movies present...

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'Draculaaa!'

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GUNSHOT

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Run!

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SQUEAKING

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HORSE WHINNIES

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Look! It's us!

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Oi!

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And so, Miss Farridge, you see, henceforth, forthwith,

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in a manner of speaking, furthermore, in a sense,

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as I say, if you could imagine for a minute....

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Yawn, yawn, yawn!

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Professor Claridge, you are the most boring man in the whole world!

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-Bor-ing!

-GLASS SMASHES

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Really? The most boring man in the world?

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Oh, Miss Farridge, you do flatter me!

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Will you... I mean, would you, could you for a minute...?

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What, what, what?!

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Marry me?

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ARGHHHHH!

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WHINNYING

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Ooh! Ah! Ow! Ooh! Ooh! Ow!

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Ooh! Ooh!

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-Oh!

-Oh. Ah.

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So I, er... I take that as a yes, then?

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Push off!

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-THUNDERCLAP

-Ohhh!

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Wait! Miss Farridge! You can't go!

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Oh!

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DOORBELL RINGS

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-DOORBELL:

-Woo-ha-ha-ha-ha!

-Ooh! Ha-ha-ha-ha!

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-DOORBELL:

-Woo-ha... Woo-ha-ha-ha-ha!

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-Oh-oww!

-Oh.

-SHE CLEARS THROAT

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He broke it.

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Good eveni-i-i-i-ing.

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Miss Farridge! Sweet potato! What are you doing? This could be dangerous.

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It is said that the count that resides...

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I am the 15th Count Draculaaa.

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And who are you?

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Oh! I am Miss Farridge - the most lush, fit lady in the whole world.

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-MAN'S VOICE:

-And all the blokes agree, all right?

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Oh. And he is a dirty old windbag.

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Hmm, I see-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e...

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e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e...

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Um, can we, er...

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..e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e...

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..maybe, um...

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..eee-hee-hee-hee-hee-eee-eee.

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-Can we, er...

-Eee.

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Hm! Look! Can we stay in your house or what?

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Why, certainly. And if you are hungry,

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I could give you a... bite!

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Ooh. Yeah.

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That'd be nice. I'm starving! I hope you've got crisps.

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Ladies first.

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No! No, wait! Miss Farridge!

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GULP!

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SPOOKY ORGAN MUSIC STARTS UP

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Hello?

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I'm trying to sleep in here!

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This is so antisocial. It's like...

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13 o'clock?!

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Hello?

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Ooh.

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ARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHH...

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' ARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHH...'

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ARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!

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Oh.

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Thought it was a spider. It's only a bit of fluff.

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AUDIENCE SIGHS

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Miss Farridge!

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I came right away, henceforth, with haste.

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Oh, my love-e-ly, pum-a-kin.

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My... My noodly-chop.

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My sweet pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa.

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Ere, geroff!

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-Mmm... Ow!

-What are you doing, you big, fat, wet idiot?

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ORGAN MUSIC CONTINUES

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Hello?

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It's coming from over there.

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Look.

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No! Miss Farridge! My little fluffy lamb! Wait!

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Chillax! It's only the count.

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Hiya, Count!

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Ahh! You came.

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Come in.

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You too, professor. Do not be shy!

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Mwah-ha-ha-ha-ha! I thought you might like a little midnight snack.

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Ooh, crisps! Brill - I love crisps!

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I know.

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HE PLAYS "The Final Countdown" by Europe

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# Ooh! Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh! #

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No, no! Miss Farridge, I implore you!

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Look, just keep your wig on! I'll save you one.

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No! It is to be believed that the Count is dangerous.

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-He might be a... Argh!

-Ha-ha-ha-ha!

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Hey!

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Do not be afra-a-aid, Miss Farridge.

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Oh - no, no, no. I'm not afra-a-aid.

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No, I'm relieved. He's a pain in the neck!

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Ahhh! And such a pretty neck!

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# Kiss, kiss me

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# Say you miss, miss me... #

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I'm so glad that you like my little nibbles.

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Perhaps...just one more.

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Ahh...

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Will you just back off? You're starting to freak me out.

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All that hissing and showing your teeth. It's well creepy.

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HE HISSES

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No!

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Aaaaaaah!

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I said no!

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Ooh!

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Ouch! Has anybody got any aspirin?

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Waaaaaah!

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Right! You asked for it!

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-Ugh!

-Ooh! Ooooh!

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CRASH

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# Hold, hold me close to you

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# Hold me, see me through

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# With all your heart's protection... #

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-Ooh!

-Wah-ha-ha!

-Ooh!

-Wah-ha-ha!

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Come on, baby! Wah-ha-ha! Come to Daddy!

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Oh! Ohhh!

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ORGAN PLAYS NOTES

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Ooh!

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THEY PLAY "Chopsticks"

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-Ahhh!

-Arghhhhh!

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BOTH: # Kiss me once again

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# Make my dreams come true-oo-oo! #

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Oh, shut your mouth!

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Relaaax. In a moment, it will all be over.

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-BLOWS RASPBERRY

-Oh! Ha-ha-ha! Please stop!

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It tickles! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Ooh! Ha-ha-ha!

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DICK BLOWS RASPBERRY

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Hey! Cut that out!

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What has he done to you? The monster!

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Oh! My sweet peach!

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Oh! My cookie dough!

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My wireless dongle!

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My...

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BLOWS RASPBERRY Argh! Get away from me! Argh!

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No, no, no! Argh!

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No, no! Argh! Argh!

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Oh, dear. My...

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Oh! What a lovely view!

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That looks...

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BLOWS RASPBERRY

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BLOWS RASPBERRY

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Aaaaargh!

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Heeeeelp!

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Miss Farridge, please!

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Ahem! Excuse me!

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Do you mind? This is MY section of guttering.

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Aaaaargh!

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Miss Farridge, stop!

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This isn't you! You're a lovely, lovely, sweet, sweet lady.

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Help me!

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BLOWS RASPBERRY Save me.

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Be my wife.

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ROMANTIC MUSIC

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Sorry. Excuse me.

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-Have I missed anything?

-ALL: Naaah.

-Oh.

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BLOWS RASPBERRY

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AAARRRGGGHHHH!

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THEY PLAY "I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles"

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-TO THE MELODY OF THE SONG:

-# Pth-pth-pth-pth-pth-pth-pth-pth!

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# Pth-pth-pth-pth-pth-pth-pth!

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# Pth-pth-pth-pth! Pth-pth-pth-pth!

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ALL: # Pth-pth-pth-pth-pth-pth! #

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SILENCE

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Well, Larry? What did you think?

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What about you lot? What did YOU think?

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THEY SCREAM AND SHOUT IN RAGE

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POLICE SIREN WAILS

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SILENCE

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SCREAMING AND SHOUTING CONTINUES

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I cannot believe I have just sat through that.

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Unbelievable. Outrageous!

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AAARRRGGGHHH!

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I'm ruined! Ruined, I tell you!

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Actually, Mr Weinsteinberger...

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we've had a new idea for a film...

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And this one has... HE CLEARS THROAT

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-Cardboard soldiers!

-Yes!

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'# Dick or Dom? Dick or Dom?

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'# Who is the most stupid one? #

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'It's Dick! No, it's Dom!

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'Here it comes, boys. I hope you're ready.'

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I love it! Here's the money!

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DICK AND DOM CHEER

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Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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