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High Broom & A Christmas, Christmas Movie Diddy Movies

High Broom & A Christmas, Christmas Movie

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Transcript

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Lights! Camera! Action!

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BOTH: # We're Diddy Dick and Dom and we're so excited

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# Our showbiz careers have been reignited

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# We made it onto the silver screen

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# With our Diddy Movies

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# You're living the dream

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# We were down on our luck We were burnt-out stars

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# Flipping burgers

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# And washing cars

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# But we waved goodbye to all our cares

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# Hello to Hollywood premieres

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# This time next year, you'll be millionaires!

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# Let's go, Diddy Movies, yeah! #

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Ladies and gentlemen,

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tonight's movie is the wildest of westerns, High Broom!

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GUN COCKED, GUNSHOT

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Pah, you missed me! I'm over here.

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ANOTHER GUNSHOT

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Ooh, eugh!

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HIS GROANS TURN TO LAUGHTER

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Don't worry, it's only a sound effect. I'm actually...

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-ANOTHER GUNSHOT

-Oh!

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Can you call me an ambulance?

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-So, you guys, a spaghetti western?

-Oh, yes, please!

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Can I have extra spaghetti on mine? And no Parmesan - it tastes of feet.

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No, your latest movie. I heard on the grapevine it's a triumph.

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Oh! Thanks, Grapevine!

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You're welcome, Dominic.

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There are so many ways you can get confused.

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So many things are confusing. Are you confused?

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Well, now you can...

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Pineapple.com!

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-I know!

-He knows!

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Pineapple.com, the de-confusing website.

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-Pineapple.com.

-Pineapple.com.

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-Oh, I'm so confused!

-Bless you.

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If you're confused like him, then we...

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COMPARE THINGS!

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Are you still confused about comparing?

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BANG! What about now?

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-Pineapple.com.

-Now I'm never confused.

-Now he's never confused.

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-Pineapple.com.

-Pineapple.com.

-Pineapple.com!

-Pineapple.com.

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Pineapple-dot... BANG!

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Look, it's starting, it's starting, it's starting!

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Howdy, stranger. I'm Spike,

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but you can call me Spike.

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If you're looking for the Wild West, you just found it.

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The year is 1858.

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That there is Neatville,

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the tidiest town in all of the West.

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And that there is the man who keeps Neatville neat,

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Sheriff Samuel Speck,

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the fastest broom in the West.

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QUICK WHOOSHING SOUNDS

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Yep, nobody keeps a tidier town than old Sheriff Speck.

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HORSE NEIGHS

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Ah, howdy-doody, Mr Martin. Looking pretty neat today.

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Ah, why, thank you, Sheriff.

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You're, er, not going to wear those dirty boots

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on my nice, clean road now, are you?

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-Oh, certainly not, Sheriff.

-OK!

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Oh, howdy-doody, Mrs Rudy and baby Judy.

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-Have you cleaned your daughter's teeth today?

-Just about to, Sheriff.

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SQUEAKING

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OK!

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Home, neat home...

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Ooh!

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SQUEAK

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That's better.

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What do I always say, Hank?

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If you want to keep your townsfolk beaming...

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That you're a dumbo and you're dreaming?

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Yeah, you're a dumbo and you're... Wait, no!

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If you want to keep your townsfolk beaming,

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you've got to do some cleaning. It's the law.

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-Hmm.

-To keep this town nice and tidy,

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you've got to keep your broom nice and close.

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You never know when you're going to...

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DRAMATIC MUSIC

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# Ya-ya-ya-ya! #

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Leaf!

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Agh!

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GUN COCKING

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GUNSHOT RICOCHETS

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-Oh, well done.

-Oh, oh, thank you.

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Just doing my job as the fastest broom in the West.

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-THEY WHOOP AND APPLAUD

-Oh, ho-ho!

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Of course, what the sheriff didn't know was that his day

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was about to get messier than a monkey's birthday party.

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HE LAUGHS EVILLY

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Well, Heffalump, Daddy's got a score to settle

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with an old friend who likes things clean and tidy.

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And what do we say to people who like things clean and tidy, hmm?

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HORSE NEIGHS, BLOWS RASPBERRY

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Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

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Ha-ha-ha!

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Tell us again, Sheriff, how you got to be the fastest broom in the West.

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Yeah, cos I only heard it about 500 times!

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Well, folks, Neatville hasn't always been neat.

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A long time ago, this town was run by a mean, dirty sheriff

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by the name of...Dusty Spade.

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Yeah, run this town into the ground.

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Some people say the folks didn't shampoo AND condition!

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GASPING, SCREAMING, NEIGHING

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And then, a young cowboy rode into town

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by the name of...yours truly.

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-That's a funny sort of name, isn't it?

-He's talking about himself.

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-Yours truly!

-Oh, right.

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Who's Trudy?

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SLAP! Ooh!

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Well, I stood up to Dusty Spade, won that sheriff badge

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and literally cleaned up.

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What happened to Spade?

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Dusty Spade was banished, never to return.

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Until now!

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HE GASPS

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Ooh!

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GASPING

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FURTHER GASPING

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-GASPING, SCREAMING

-# Ay-yah-yah! #

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If it ain't neaty-neaty, squeaky-squeaky,

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Sheriff Samuel Speck!

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HE SPITS

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THUD!

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Or should I say...

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Stinky Sammy?

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All right, slow down there now, Spade.

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We're not at school now. Those things don't upset me any more.

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Stinky Sammy! Stinky Sammy!

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Stinky Sammy, Stinky Sammy, Stinky Sammy, Stinky Sam...

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I was lactose intolerant!

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Well, I guess I'm sheriff intolerant.

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You got something you want to say?

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I guess I have.

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I guess you have.

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I guess I'd better tell ya!

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I guess you should!

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Maybe I'll just do that!

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Maybe you will.

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I'm here to take back the sheriff's job, Stinky Pops.

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And I challenge you

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to a High Broom!

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BELL TOLLS

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Isn't that right, Heffalump?

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HORSE NEIGHS, BLOWS RASPBERRY

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ALL GASP

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BELL TOLLS

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Rules of a High Broom.

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At the count of ten, you may deploy your brooms.

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No cheating, no twitching

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and absolutely no dressing up as a Shetland pony to avoid taking part.

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SPADE CLEARS HIS THROAT

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I'm right in thinking that I'm entitled to inspect

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the Sheriff's weapon?

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Hey, Sheriff.

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SAWING NOISE What do you suppose he's doing?

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Why, probably just giving it a good wipe.

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Yep, looks good to me.

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Best of luck, gentlemen.

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May the neatest man win.

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One...

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two...

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..three...four...

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..five... BOTH GRUNT

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..six...

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..seven....

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BEEPING

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Huh?

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Grrr, press play!

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Press play! CROWD BOOS

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BEEP

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..eight...

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nine...

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ten!

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SNAP!

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THEY GASP

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Knickers!

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HE LAUGHS

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-GUNSHOT

-Argggghhhh!

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HORSE NEIGHS

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I declare the new sheriff is...

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Dusty Spade.

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Get in!

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And so, Sheriff Speck was cast out,

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like a bad pistachio or a chip with a slightly green bit on it.

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Eventually, the outcast sheriff took refuge in the big city

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in the home of his old friend, the eccentric inventor Archibald Hatch.

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Well, yes, you certainly are in a sticky old pickled wicket,

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old chap, aren't you? I'm not sure what to suggest, really.

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Come on, Archie, I'm desperate.

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You've got to have something to help me defeat that mean old Dusty Spade.

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There may be one thing, but it's top secret.

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Even more secret than...

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the Queen's Quango!

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HE GASPS

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Oh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh!

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HE CHUCKLES

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Meanwhile, with Dusty Spade as Sheriff,

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things in Neatville were getting messier

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than a baby eating yoghurt with a fork.

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CHUCKLING

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Yeah! More horsey plop.

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Yee-hah!

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More!

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Oh...

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CHUCKLING

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That'll teach you to have a wash, Mr Martin!

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You know the rules.

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No cleaning, no washing,

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and lots and lots of horsey honk.

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HE CHUCKLES

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What are you lot staring at?!

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Get back to work!

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And that's an order!

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I'm the sheriff round here.

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Not if I can help it, Spade!

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Well, if it ain't the human soap dish!

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It seems to me that folk round here

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ain't too happy with their new sheriff.

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So, I challenge you...

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to a high broom.

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Ay-ay-ay-ah!

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BELL TOLLS

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OK, gentlemen. This is the ultimate high broom.

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The winner will become sheriff

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until the day they die.

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And the loser...

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has to eat this brick.

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I hope you like the taste of cement.

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Yeah?

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Well, I hope you like the taste of beef.

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One...

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two...

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three...

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four...

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five...

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six...

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seven...

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Don't even think about it.

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..eight...

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nine...

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ten!

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Is-is-is that a Sweepermatic 4,000?!

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Certainly is.

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Sweep and clean -

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keep 'em mean.

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Yeah?

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Well, I've got myself something new, as well.

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What is that?!

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It's the future of cleaning.

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It's what the fancy folk in the big city call...

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a mop.

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HORSE SNORTS

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A mop?

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It'll never catch on.

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And it's time for me to mop up around here.

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Argh...!

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APPLAUSE

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CHEERING

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HORSE WHINNIES

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Well, Mr Spade,

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I guess you could say I cleaned up.

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Certainly did, Mr Speck.

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And I guess I just kicked the bucket.

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THEY LAUGH

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HORSE WHINNIES

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And remember, if you fine folks want to get hold of these,

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you can - just by calling that them there number

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at the bottom of your screen.

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At 39 shekels, it's a bargain!

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It's a mighty fine mop.

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SILENCE

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# Tell me, when will you be mine?

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# Tell me, quando, quando, quando?

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# We can share a love divine

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# Please don't make me wait again

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# When will you say yes to me?

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# Tell me, quando, quando, quando

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# You are happiness to me

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# Oh, my love, please tell me when. #

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Lights! Camera!

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Crackers! Baubles!

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Crackers! Nuts!

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Crackers! Satsumas! Cr...!

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CRACK!

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Thank you, Mother.

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Next up, it's the jingle-belting A Christmas Christmas Movie.

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CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYS

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Will you cut that out? Oh, I hate Christmas!

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So, guys, what's your latest movie all about?

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-BOTH:

-Christmas!

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I love it!

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And because it's Christmas, Larry,

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we thought we treat you to a premium premiere seat.

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-Wowsers!

-It's got a built-in cup-holder, a massager...

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Best not pull...

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It's also got GPS...

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It's got a hairdryer, a full set of encyclopaedias

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and, best of all...

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-BOTH:

-A TV!

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But, guys, now I can't even see the cinema screen.

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I REALLY love it!

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Mmm, sausage!

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It's starting, it starting!

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This movie had better be Christmassy, or else!

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Diddy Movies presents A Christmas Christmas Movie.

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In a secret corner of the North Pole lived two little elves.

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'Wake up!'

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THEY GROAN

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-Morning, Merry Elf!

-Morning, Jolly Elf!

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And they both loved one thing more than anything else in the world.

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Look, Merry!

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Yes, it's the 24th...

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of June!

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Which means...

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It's nearly...

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BOTH: Christmas!

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-Christmas! Christmas!

-Christmas! Christmas! Christmas!

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-Christmas! Christmas!

-Christmas! Christmas! Christmas!

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-Christmas!

-CHRISTMAS!!

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BOTH: We love Christmas!

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'Ho, ho, ho!'

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BOTH: # Stick the holly on your stocking

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# Decorate the tree with turkey mince pies

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# Who's the fairy on your Yule log?

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# Give the carol singer a big surprise. #

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SHE SCREAMS

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# Pull a cracker, pull a cracker

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# Pull a Christmas cracker then blow it up... #

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HE SCREAMS

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# Fill a sleigh with piles of...boiled sprouts? #

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-No!

-Not sprouts!

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Never sprouts.

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We hate sprouts.

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# Sing a carol up the chimney

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# Honey roasted nuts in a TV game. #

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There's only 182 days till Christmas.

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-We'd better get to work.

-Argh!

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Oh.

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Paper.

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-GUN CLICK

-Sticky tape.

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-GUN CLICK

-Funny little bow thing.

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Right, that's one done.

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Only seven billion more to go.

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ALARM BLARES

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It's him!

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He wants us!

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Oh, hello there, my little helpers.

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-BOTH:

-Hi, Santa.

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How good of you to POP in.

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-Oh, pop!

-BOTH LAUGH

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I've just been practising my new Father Christmas laugh.

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What do you think?

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HIGH PITCHED LAUGH

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No?

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Ah, Mother Christmas.

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Here you go, ho-ho, dear.

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Your mid-morning mince pie.

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Oh, wonderful, dear!

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Only 182 days to go, eh, boys?

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ALL LAUGH

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Now then, I expect you're wondering why I've called you here so urgently.

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Well, I'm...

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I'm cancelling Christmas.

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-Yeah, OK.

-Probably for the best.

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-BOTH:

-What?

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Well, I'm busy that day.

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You can't cancel Christmas! It's all we have!

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BOTH CRY

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Ho, ho, ho!

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Ho, ho, ho, ho!

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ELECTRICS FIZZ

0:19:120:19:14

Santa...isn't Santa!

0:19:140:19:18

He's a robot!

0:19:180:19:20

ROBOTIC VOICE: All of Christmas shall be destroyed forever...

0:19:200:19:25

but remember to be good.

0:19:250:19:28

Ho, ho, ho! Ho, ho, ho!

0:19:280:19:30

Ho, ho, ho!

0:19:300:19:33

BOTH SCREAM

0:19:350:19:38

What are we going to do?

0:19:400:19:42

How are we going to find the real Santa?

0:19:420:19:44

-BOTH:

-Rudolf!

0:19:460:19:48

Good morning, Elves.

0:19:480:19:50

And what a foot-tapping, nose-warming,

0:19:500:19:52

tiddly-tid morning it is, too.

0:19:520:19:54

Aw...

0:19:540:19:56

Oh, you're my bestest friends in the whole wide world.

0:19:560:19:59

-BOTH:

-Aw...

0:19:590:20:00

That means I'll always be there for you, come rain or shine.

0:20:000:20:03

Aw...

0:20:030:20:05

You can always rely on good old Rudolph to spread some sunshine,

0:20:050:20:08

put on a smiley face, accentuate the amazingness,

0:20:080:20:12

big up the brilliance, heighten...

0:20:120:20:15

Urg...

0:20:150:20:17

I always said vegetables were bad for you.

0:20:190:20:22

No, he's a robot, too.

0:20:220:20:24

Oh, and vegetables are very important for a healthy

0:20:240:20:27

and balanced diet.

0:20:270:20:29

HE BURPS

0:20:290:20:30

"Made in the Kingdom of Grump."

0:20:310:20:34

Well, if we are to save Christmas

0:20:350:20:37

and find Santa then we must go there.

0:20:370:20:39

We have to get to the bottom of this.

0:20:390:20:41

I've got to the bottom of this, and that's where the USB port is.

0:20:410:20:46

BOTH LAUGH

0:20:460:20:50

The Kingdom of Grump is miles away.

0:20:580:21:00

I know, let's build the best snowman ever to take us there.

0:21:000:21:04

-We can so do that.

-Yeah. I know, right?

0:21:040:21:07

ROCK VERSION OF DECK THE HALLS PLAYS

0:21:070:21:10

-BOTH:

-Ah...

0:21:280:21:30

Hey! All right, lads?

0:21:300:21:31

Where was it? Kingdom of Grump?

0:21:310:21:33

All right, let's get on with it.

0:21:330:21:35

We can't stop here, not before 6.30 anyway.

0:21:350:21:37

HE COUGHS

0:21:370:21:40

Eh, no, you're all right. We'll catch the bus instead.

0:21:410:21:44

Yeah, yeah. It wasn't that important anyway.

0:21:440:21:46

Oh, it's all right. Don't worry. I've only crashed twice...today.

0:21:460:21:50

Here we go! HE SCREAMS

0:21:500:21:53

So, are we nearly there yet, Mr Snowman?

0:21:540:21:57

I've got to be honest with you, lads. I've got no idea.

0:21:570:22:00

That's the trouble with snow, you see, it all looks the same.

0:22:000:22:03

Do you think I should have turned left at Siberia?

0:22:030:22:05

BOTH SCREAM

0:22:050:22:07

Blimey!

0:22:090:22:10

Watch where you're flying, mate! Budget airlines.

0:22:100:22:13

# Frosty the snowman had a splendid lah-dee-dah... #

0:22:130:22:17

I never remember the words to this.

0:22:170:22:19

I tell you what, I'll do a bit of Coldplay.

0:22:190:22:21

Ha-ha! Coldplay! Do you get it?

0:22:210:22:23

# Look at that snow and it was all yellow... #

0:22:230:22:26

Yeah, sorry about the slight diversion, lads,

0:22:270:22:30

but if someone had given me proper eyes in the first place!

0:22:300:22:33

Snowman, what is the Kingdom of Grump?

0:22:330:22:37

It's a land where Christmas never comes.

0:22:380:22:40

Well, be lucky. Tah-dah.

0:22:420:22:44

This place is awful!

0:22:490:22:51

This is the future unless we save Christmas by tonight.

0:22:510:22:56

Oh!

0:22:580:22:59

-BOTH:

-Santa!

0:23:020:23:04

TOY: You're my best friends. I love...

0:23:060:23:09

Santa!

0:23:090:23:11

It's us! We've come to save you...and Christmas.

0:23:110:23:15

What is this Christmas?

0:23:150:23:19

-BOTH:

-Nooooo...!

0:23:190:23:25

Took us ages to write this bit.

0:23:250:23:27

The O key was jammed on my laptop.

0:23:270:23:29

..ooooo!

0:23:310:23:34

Hello, boys.

0:23:340:23:36

Mother Christmas and...

0:23:370:23:39

TURKEY GOBBLES

0:23:390:23:40

Ew!

0:23:400:23:42

-BOTH:

-Nooo..!

0:23:420:23:44

-Oh, shut up!

-Yes.

0:23:440:23:46

So, you've found where I've hidden the real Santa.

0:23:460:23:50

Well, you're too late.

0:23:500:23:53

He's not interested in delivering presents anymore.

0:23:530:23:56

He only wants to destroy them!

0:23:560:23:58

CRUNCH

0:23:580:24:00

For years I've been forced to listen to you lot

0:24:000:24:03

go on about Christmas all the time!

0:24:030:24:06

The marzipan, the trimmings, the nuts.

0:24:060:24:09

Well, I'm sick of it.

0:24:090:24:12

TURKEY GOBBLES

0:24:120:24:13

I wanted to be a ballet dancer.

0:24:130:24:16

-Really?

-No!

0:24:190:24:22

But I'm going to make sure Christmas never happens again

0:24:220:24:25

and you won't stop me.

0:24:250:24:28

You boys just relax.

0:24:280:24:31

Veg out.

0:24:310:24:33

SHE LAUGHS

0:24:330:24:34

Hench turkey, release the sprouts.

0:24:340:24:37

-BOTH:

-Sprouts!

0:24:430:24:46

Santa, help us!

0:24:470:24:49

What is Santa?

0:24:490:24:51

HE SCREAMS

0:24:520:24:53

We're finished.

0:24:530:24:54

Right, you hairy chimney kisser, I've had enough.

0:24:540:24:59

There are kids all over the world waiting for their presents,

0:24:590:25:01

so snap out of it, fluffy cuffs!

0:25:010:25:05

Oh!

0:25:080:25:09

Do that again.

0:25:090:25:11

Feed me shed-loads of sprouts.

0:25:140:25:17

Wait a minute. Yes, I remember.

0:25:250:25:28

I'm Santa!

0:25:280:25:30

-BOTH:

-Yeah!

0:25:300:25:33

Shuffle back, boys. Shuffle back.

0:25:330:25:36

I'm going to blow this place. Oh...

0:25:360:25:39

HE GROANS

0:25:410:25:44

HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY

0:25:440:25:47

Oh...

0:25:490:25:53

What?!

0:25:530:25:55

Hench turkey, attack!

0:25:550:25:56

TURKEY GOBBLES

0:25:560:25:59

You're stuffed now, MC.

0:25:590:26:02

Time to wrap this up!

0:26:020:26:04

Oh...

0:26:050:26:08

SHE SCREAMS GUN CLICKS

0:26:080:26:11

HE LAUGHS

0:26:130:26:14

I guess you could call her a clear and PRESENT danger.

0:26:140:26:21

And, so, with naughty Mother Christmas trussed up like a turkey

0:26:230:26:27

and the presents carefully wrapped, the great Christmas delivery began.

0:26:270:26:30

Hyah! Hyah!

0:26:300:26:32

ALL SCREAM

0:26:320:26:35

ALL LAUGH

0:26:380:26:41

Everything worked out all Christmassy and lovely.

0:26:410:26:45

Yes. Isn't it all festive and Christmassy and simply perfect?

0:26:450:26:51

Everything couldn't be more swell.

0:26:510:26:54

All warm and cosy and very Christmassy.

0:26:540:26:59

-ALL:

-Merry Christmas, one and all!

0:27:000:27:03

So, Gary, what do you think?

0:27:110:27:15

What about you lot? What did you think?

0:27:180:27:20

ALL SHOUT OVER EACH OTHER

0:27:260:27:30

ALL SHOUT OVER EACH OTHER

0:27:360:27:43

Ooh, I'm outraged!

0:27:430:27:44

I'm ruined.

0:27:450:27:47

I'm ruined, I tell you.

0:27:470:27:49

Don't worry, Mr Weinsteinberger,

0:27:490:27:51

we've got a new idea for a movie.

0:27:510:27:53

Yes. This one's got...

0:27:530:27:56

evil Wi-Fi.

0:27:560:27:59

'Dumb, stupid, ignorant...

0:27:590:28:04

'ignoramuses.' I love it!

0:28:040:28:06

Here's the money!

0:28:060:28:08

CHEERING

0:28:080:28:10

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