Chewrassic Park & My Husband Stinks Diddy Movies

Lights! Camera! Action!

# We're Diddy Dick and Dom

# And we're so excited!

# Our showbiz careers have been reignited

# We made it onto the silver screen

# With our Diddy Movies... #

-CROWD:

-You're living the dream!

# We've been down on our luck

# We were burnt-out stars

# Flipping burgers and washing cars

# But we waved goodbye to all our cares

# At last, getting Hollywood premieres... #

This time next year, you'll be millionaires!

# Go, Diddy Movies...yeah! #

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another Diddy Movie premiere

in the royal presence of Lady Fanaqua Barr.

SCREECHY SINGING

Shut up, Mum!

-Sorry!

-Tonight's movie is the nerve-twaddling epic

Chewrassic Park!

Oh, Larry!

We can't wait for you to see our new action movie.

We promise you'll be on the edge of your seat.

Listen, you guys - if this movie ain't a terrific hit,

I will personally kick you out of town.

Oh! You'd do that for us?

-'Ere! Isn't he nice?

-Oh, yes.

HE SIMPERS

-Oh...cut that out!

-Larry...

Aw, shucks, who am I trying to kid? I love it!

France - la Tour Eiffel.

France - la baguette.

France - la mademoiselle.

France - le sparadrap.

France - le pamplemousse.

France - la vache.

France...

Warning - France is not in Great Britain.

France - la bibliotheque.

BABBLING

Oh-la-la!

Oh, this is it!

Diddy Movies presents...

Welcome, welcome, welcome, esteemed guests!

I am Hector Platter, owner of Chewrassic Park -

the world's first-ever giant food-based theme park.

What brings you both here? In pursuit of great science?

-Nah.

-Nah.

-A fascination with gastronomy?

-Nah.

-Nah.

-A thirst for the grotesque?

Ff-ff-ff-ff-ff...

-Nah.

-Nah.

We won a free trip - competition on Ferret FM.

I'm Gaz Trick - professional blagger.

Perry Stalsis - where's the free buffet?

-Can we take a picture?

-Oh, I'd be honoured.

I think you'll find the best place for a photo...

Shall we take this one?

..is just over here, in front of this huge mound of mashed potato

in front of the mountains of...argh!

Oh! I feel so alive!

Gentlemen, adventure beyond your wildest dreams starts...

..this way.

My mistake - it's this way.

It cost my entire family fortune.

Welcome to Chewrassic Park!

Closed on Mondays, may contain depleted uranium.

-Oh!

-Behold, my giant field of fast food.

# Open wide, go inside

# To a land of tasty combinations

# Something new, just for you

# In my tropical plantations... #

BIRDS TWEET

Great - let's eat.

# Have a bite, it's all right

# Grab a lot or simply grab a few

# And if your rump starts to trump

# Take an anti-acid tum, too. #

HECTOR BREAKS WIND

BIRD SCREECHES

There.

GUNSHOT

Whoa!

-Oh...Mr Platter, we've never seen hot dogs so big!

-No!

That's because they aren't hot dogs -

they're NOT dogs.

-Huh?

-Huh?

Huh?

Huh?

Huh?

A miracle of genetic engineering.

They look like hot dogs...

WOLF WHISTLE

Oh, er...ahem...

But inside are a variety of ingenious, tasty fillings.

You, sir, are discovering my fish and custard not dog.

GAZ GAGS

And you, sir - how are you finding my delicious soil and soap flavour?

Pah-ha!

Argh! My tongue! It's melting!

PERRY GAGS

So, you both loved my not dogs - well, wait till you see this.

Behold, my lake of spaghetti lardanara.

It looks like carbonara, but the chunks of ham

are actually giant lumps...of lard.

Ho-ho!

Here, taste some.

Ha!

Eh...?

It took years of painstaking research.

Yeah. I can taste the pain.

-Oh...?

-No, no, no - I'm full.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-I've got to save room for dessert.

-I know what you're thinking.

You're thinking,

"Isn't it dangerous to delineate natural genetic structures,

"potentially releasing entirely new biological processes?"

Eh...yes. That.

Well, not to worry. It's only science.

I mean, what could possibly go wrooooooooooooooo....?!

Now, pudding.

Nope, wrong way again.

Behold...

..my proudest creation.

-Oooh!

-Oooh!

Looks like a giant pineapple, but, in fact, made of cheese.

I give you...the chinapple.

Cheese and pineapple? Doesn't sound too gross.

Ugh! That smells like the back of my fridge!

Smells like the back of your shorts.

That cheese is rancid!

Crackers?

Yeah, you are, mate. Come on.

What...? No, please!

Please eat my cheese, please!

Eat my cheese, please!

Fine, fine, forget the chinapple, but how about this, hey?

A carrot crossed with a giant waffle.

-I call it the car-fuffle.

-Car-fuffle?

Carrot...and...waffle.

What do you think? Yes?

We think that this theme park is the worst theme park ever!

I bet you wished you'd made a park of dinosaurs or something.

Yeah! Dinosaurs are cool!

Why didn't you do dinosaurs, eh?

-Eh?

-Eh?

-Eh?

-Eh?

-Eh?

-Eh?

-Eh?

-Eh?

-Eh?

-Eh?

-Eh?

-Eh?

-Eh?

-Eh...?

Arrrrrgggggghhhhhh!

Fine! Oh!

I've wasted all my money

on a terrible cuisine-based theme park,

but now, you'll pay - you'll all pay!

Actually, I think you'll find we won't pay,

cos WE won a competition on Ferret FM.

Rrrggghhh!

THUNDER RUMBLES

EVIL LAUGHTER

ELECTRICITY CRACKLES

# So, farewell, it's been swell

# But the park is going to get creepy

# Now, beware, do take care

# And try not to get too weepy. #

HE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY

HELICOPTER WHIRRS

Bye-bye! Bye-bye!

Uh-oh...

CRASH!

Gift shop?

Oh, look at that! Ah!

SNARLING

Arrrrrggggghhhhh!

No! No!

-Perry, get it off me!

-OK.

-Argh! Argh!

-Argh! Argh! Argh!

Larry, can I have some popcorn?

No!

Wait! I've got an idea.

CHOMPING

Popcorn?

Oh, thanks!

Right, let's get out of here!

Luvvie, the place has gone all deadly!

Look! There's an escape boat on the other side of the island!

Oh!

But we have to go through the middle of...

BOTH: CHEWRASSIC PARK!

Eh, hello? Can't they just go the long way around?

-Sh!

-I mean, there's clearly a route

that avoids all the mutant...

'Oh, it's scary!

'I don't know what it is! Keep it away!'

'Quick, quick! Faster, faster!

'Ooh, get off! Leave us alone!'

Wow! Look out, Perry!

SPLAT!

Uh-oh...

Oh! Help, Gaz! I'm sinking!

-Well, what can I do?

-Eat it!

-What else can I do?

-Just eat the flipping lake, you wuss!

Fine...

SLURPING AND CHOMPING

Yes! It's working! Keep eating!

That's it - slurpy-slurpy.

Suck it up! Suck it up into your oesophagus!

HE GROANS

Oh! You saved me! Ah...

HE BURPS

Ugh!

GASPING AND PANTING

Oh...oh! I'm gasping for a drink of water.

-There's one.

-That's handy.

OMINOUS THUD

What's that?

PINEAPPLE ROARS

-ARRGGGHHH!

-ARRGGGHHH!

LOUD ROARING

Come on, the boat's the other side of this field!

Greedy pigs!

Just keep walking, Perry. Ignore it.

Oink, oink! Oh, look at me, I'm a greedy little piggy,

getting everything for free.

Munch-munch, oink-oink, bleurgh!

Shut your mouth!

Maybe if you had shut YOUR mouth,

you would not look like garbage truck with face.

Leave it, Perry! Be the bigger person!

No - YOU the bigger person, like Olympic Stadium on legs!

HOT DOG GUFFAWS

-Peckish?

-Starving.

Oh, yeah, yeah, that's it - stuff your faces.

That's right - eat me!

CHOMPING

HE BELCHES

We made it!

When we get out of here, I'm never, ever going to be greedy again,

-Right, Perry?

-Right, Gaz.

Let's go home.

Weeeee!

Arrrggghhh!

ROARING

# Wake me up before you go-go

# Don't leave me hanging on like a yo-yo

# Wake me up before you go-go

# I don't want to miss it when you hit that high

# Wake me up before you go-go

# Cos I'm not plannin' on going solo

# Wake me up before you go-go

# Take me dancing tonight

# I'm gonna hit that HIGH

# Yeah, yeah, yeah. #

Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to another Diddy Movie premiere.

The following presentation is brought to you

in association with...

FARTING

And in glorious Whiff-o-Rama.

My Husband Stinks!

Well, this one can't fail - it's a rom com for the ladies.

A rom com? What do you two know about romance?

Loads, actually. Look.

Flowers for the producer?

Flowers? For me? Why, this is such a surprise!

-And look - chocolatas.

-Oh! My favourites!

Yeah, yeah, not the red one - that's mine.

-They're my chocolates!

-No, no, they're mine!

Oh! You...

Oh! Hey! Get off!

See? That's romance.

I think he likes us.

Warning - keep your valuables safe.

Thieves operate in this cinema.

But, worse than that, look -

there are snakes! Big snakes!

Arrgghh! Arrrgggghhhh!

Forget the thieves -

it's the giant snakes you want to worry about!

SCREAMING AND YELLING

'All right? I'm Bo Diddy.

'I'm a D-list superstar

'and this is the story of how I found true love

'and married a massive TV star -

'although, trust me, it's not as good as it sounds.

'It's not all fun, being a D-lister.

'There's no time for true love, for a start.

'The only relationships you can have are fake ones

'with other minor celebrities that only last 20 seconds.'

It's not me - it's you!

You're not famous enough.

'But dealing with the paparazzi can be a nightmare.

'The important thing is keep calm.

'Don't forget that you're in public.'

SMASH!

'Although attacking photographers for no reason

'is a great way to get in the papers.

'And that's what being a D-lister's all about -

'you need publicity.

'And the number one celeb show on TV?'

What?! With Max Chaff.

All the celebrity news that really matters

right here on...

What!

With Max Chaff!

Hey there!

Brad Pitt in plastic surgery shocker.

He's had his head replaced with a potato.

What?!

Jennifer Lawrence - brought up by elephants.

What?!

But right now, we're going live to a D-list celebrity event in Croydon

where all the minor stars have turned out

for the opening...of an envelope.

What?!

Anyway, tonight's not about me.

It's about you and the opening of your new envelope.

You're having a party

cos I got a phone bill?

-Clear off!

-Whatever!

I've got three more openings to go to -

an umbrella, a window and a packet of biscuits.

And I'm shooting an advert for cardboard wedding dresses tomorrow.

MUSIC: "The Wedding March" by Felix Mendelssohn

Slate 24, take 62.

Action!

These recycled wedding dresses are amazeballs!

I'm getting married and I'm even saving the planet.

Bum in shot!

Oi! Stop looking at my bum!

SHE SPLUTTERS

Oh, you mean him? Caw, he stinks!

Go away!

All right? I'm, er...eh...Reg.

No-one cares - you're not famous!

Right, let's get on with it, shall we?

Take two - action!

-Do you take this man?

-I do.

-And do you take this woman?

-Yeah, uh, yeah, I do.

-What are you asking him for?

-Cut!

Not even in this advert.

-What advert?

-We're making an advert, you idiot!

Oh...oh, I thought this was a real wedding.

That's rather awkward.

You see, technically, you two are now husband and wife.

-You may kiss the bride.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah...

Get off!

I'm not marrying him!

I don't even know who he is.

-Are you famous?

-Oh, yeah...no.

No, I'm a dung-seller from T-Tavistock.

-Dung?!

-Yeah, I shovel..shovel...shovel...

CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS

Hey! No photos. We're keeping this marriage secret

until I can get out of it.

Arrrggghhh!

Oh, what a relief! It was all a dream.

Arrrggghhh!

FLIES BUZZ

Morning, wife! Hope you don't mind if I leave my yak dung in your bed.

I've already filled the cupboards.

SHE WAILS

Ah...my favourite. Panda poo.

I can still smell the bamboo.

Oh, eh, no, watch out for the bathroom!

It's the only place big enough for my hippo pat...

ARRRGGGHHH!

I think he had tummy troubles.

I can't believe this is happening!

Celebrities don't get married, except to other celebrities.

What about love? What about happiness?

Well, I love being famous.

Don't care about being happy.

Oh, that's very sad.

You must be incredibly lonely.

-Oi! Keep it light. This is a comedy.

-Oh, yeah.

Anyway, all I care about is being a celebrity.

Reg, you stay here until I find the bishop

-and get the wedding cancelled.

-OK.

And no-one will ever know that my husband stinks.

What?

Hey there! On tonight's show, footballer swaps brain with ant

to make himself smarter.

What?!

Soap star doesn't release pop single.

What?!

And the D-list mystery that's got all the tongues wagging -

who's that stinky guy that's been following Bo Diddy around?

What?!

Well, guess what? I've got Bo Diddy right here, live in the studio.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What?!

Bo wants to set the record straight

about the strange man she's been seen with.

So, Bo, what's with the smelly dude?

I'm here to come clean, Max.

I want to tell the truth.

I've never seen him before.

It's just that Reg, he keeps following me.

-Reg?

-Yeah, I'm guessing that's his name.

Looks like a Reg.

Well, it IS his name. Guess what, viewers?

He's here tonight - meet Reginald Grimshaw!

APPLAUSE

Reg! No! I told you to stay in the flat!

Even though...I've never met you before.

So, Reg, who are you?

Yeah, yeah, no - my name is Reginald Gri...er...Grimshaw.

And I'm married to the world's most wonderful woman -

my Bo Diddy.

AUDIENCE: Aw!

-No!

-Oh, yeah - you see, she can't keep her hands off me.

That's true love.

Right! That's it! I'm leaving! This interview is over!

That's got to be worth a front page.

AUDIENCE OOHS

So, Reg, what do you do?

Yeah, yeah, no, no - I'm a dung-seller.

I collect and trade prime poop.

Whoa! That sounds disgusting.

Yeah, no, yeah -

there's a whole wonderful world of whoopsies out there.

Do you know I've got the only dodo doo-doo in Britain?

Ha-ha-ha!

Yeah - I might not have a Pooh bear,

but I've got lots of bear poo!

What?!

APPLAUSE

SHE WAILS

Oh, this is it - the end of my D-list celebrity status.

-I'm finished!

-Well, at least I managed to cancel the wedding.

Too late! I'm never going to get my own fake reality show now.

Shame you two couldn't work things out.

Then he might have let you on his TV show.

Yeah, right(!)

Because I want to spend a single moment of my life with that nobody?

Wait a minute - what TV show?

-TV:

-Yes, it's time for...

Here is your host, Reg Grimshaw!

Hello. Welcome to the game show where celebrities have to guess

what Daisy the Cow had for breakfast.

Here's a clue - it's always grass, cos that's all she ever eats.

So, it's time for round f-fa-f...one.

COW MOOS

FART!

SPLAT!

Guess what Daisy had for breakfast!

Here's a clue - the answer's grass.

It'll never catch on.

This is a great honour - it's amazing what you can achieve with a dream.

Oh, and a house full of poodle potatoes.

Oh! I never realised until this moment how much I love him!

Thought you didn't want to spend a moment with that nobody?

What?! How dare you speak about my darling husband like that?!

-Ex-husband.

-It's a misunderstanding.

And what's a misunderstanding when it comes to true love?

You hated him a minute ago.

He wasn't famous then!

Right, you - you're going to take us to his TV studio.

-Why?

-So you can remarry us.

My husband stinks...

..but I love him, now that he's stinking famous.

I thought we'd jazz up the next show,

so we're going to do Guess What Nellie Had For Breakfast.

Nellie the Elephant's outside, so...do the honours.

There you are. Right...

Husband! Guess who?

Husband? I thought we weren't married any more?

Oh, that - that was just a small misunderstanding.

I didn't realise how perfect for each other we are

till you got famous.

But don't worry - we can have another wedding now.

I do. Your turn.

I don't.

What?! Yes, you do! Yes, he does!

No, I don't.

But why?

Well, I'm a C-lister now.

I can't hang around with D-listers.

I've got an opening - can't be seen with you on the red carpet.

Gasp!

You're allowed on the red carpet?!

All the big C-listers are going to be there.

Take me with you! I'll do anything!

I'll even take an interest in your dung.

Excuse us, but me and Daisy have got a show to do.

We're going to go live now...

Bishop, come on! You've got to marry us!

I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do...!

COW MOOS

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

Yes! I did it! I married a C-lister!

Ah! This is the happiest day of my life!

I'm going to be even more famous.

Darling, I...

Wait a minute - he didn't even say anything.

No, no, I distinctly heard the young man

in the black and white cow suit say "I do".

That's a real cow, you idiot!

Oh, dear - ha-ha...

Well, this is awkward.

You see, technically, you are now married to the cow.

COW MOOS

Oh, no...not again!

Oh, well - at least no-one will ever find out about it this time.

Oh, eh - you're on TV now. Live.

Oh, poop!

'And that's the story of how I found true love

'and ended up married to a massive cow.'

PARP!

SPLAT!

Have you just done one?

COW MOOS

Oh, I don't believe this!

My husband stinks...again!

AUDIENCE OOHS

What?!

Bo Diddy married a cow by accident?

It's all good, Max.

We sold the wedding photos for a squillion dollars

and now we're going to make our own reality show.

I'm a C-lister at last

and I get free milk.

COW MOOS

What?!

Well, Larry, what do you think?

All right - you lot, what did you think of it?

BOOING AND YELLING

SHE SCREAMS

That was...the worst movie

I have ever seen in my ENTIRE LIFE!

I'm ruined!

Don't worry, Larry - we've got another movie.

It's about a little girl from Kansas

who has a secret, magical green bogie kingdom up her nose.

It's called...

The Wizard Of Snozz!

'They take my money

'and they turn it into a pile of poop!

'I just...I could...'

Brilliant! A bogie movie!

It'll be the pick of the week!

I love it!

Here's the money!

# Go, Diddy Movies - yeah! #