The Golden Diddies & That's Diddytainment! Diddy Movies
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Transcript
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|---|---|---|---|
Lights, camera, action! | 0:00:02 | 0:00:04 | |
# We're Diddy Dick and Dom and we're so excited | 0:00:04 | 0:00:07 | |
# Our showbiz careers have been reignited | 0:00:07 | 0:00:11 | |
# We made it onto the silver screen | 0:00:11 | 0:00:13 | |
# With our Diddy Movies... # | 0:00:13 | 0:00:15 | |
You're living the dream! | 0:00:15 | 0:00:17 | |
# We were down on our luck We were burnt-out stars | 0:00:17 | 0:00:20 | |
# Flipping burgers and washing cars | 0:00:20 | 0:00:23 | |
# But we waved goodbye to all our cares | 0:00:23 | 0:00:26 | |
# Hello to Hollywood premieres... # | 0:00:26 | 0:00:30 | |
This time next year You'll be millionaires! | 0:00:30 | 0:00:33 | |
# Go, Diddy Movies, yeah! # | 0:00:33 | 0:00:36 | |
Swanky do, innit? All the great and the good are here tonight. | 0:00:38 | 0:00:42 | |
-Yeah, and you two had to come as well! -Oh, don't be like that, Larry! | 0:00:42 | 0:00:48 | |
We're actually nominated this year. | 0:00:48 | 0:00:50 | |
What for? Biggest losers? | 0:00:50 | 0:00:53 | |
Actually, we're nominated in every single category! | 0:00:54 | 0:00:58 | |
What? I mean, why? | 0:00:58 | 0:01:01 | |
I mean, how? No, I mean, "Mm?!" | 0:01:01 | 0:01:03 | |
It's starting! It's starting! | 0:01:03 | 0:01:08 | |
Diddy ladies and diddy gentlemen, | 0:01:08 | 0:01:10 | |
welcome to the 333rd annual Golden Diddy Awards. | 0:01:10 | 0:01:14 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:01:14 | 0:01:16 | |
Before the awards, let's look back at some of this year's diddiest | 0:01:16 | 0:01:19 | |
thrills, spills and chills in the crazy world that we call the movies. | 0:01:19 | 0:01:25 | |
It's amazing what you can achieve with a dream. | 0:01:25 | 0:01:28 | |
Oh, and a house full of poodle potatoes. | 0:01:28 | 0:01:31 | |
Whoa! | 0:01:37 | 0:01:39 | |
Argh! | 0:01:42 | 0:01:44 | |
What? | 0:01:44 | 0:01:46 | |
-Yeah! -Argh! | 0:01:52 | 0:01:54 | |
Argh! | 0:01:59 | 0:02:00 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:02:00 | 0:02:02 | |
-Oh... I feel sick after all of that. -It was a little frantic. | 0:02:02 | 0:02:06 | |
What? No. | 0:02:06 | 0:02:08 | |
Not the clips. The crisps! | 0:02:08 | 0:02:10 | |
HE BURPS | 0:02:11 | 0:02:14 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:02:14 | 0:02:17 | |
There they are. The Golden Diddies! | 0:02:17 | 0:02:20 | |
-I want one of them. -I want one of them! -No, I want one of them! | 0:02:20 | 0:02:23 | |
-No, I want one of them! -I want one of them! | 0:02:23 | 0:02:25 | |
I...want one of...them! | 0:02:25 | 0:02:31 | |
And now for our first award. | 0:02:33 | 0:02:36 | |
Best Action Sequence On A Shoestring Budget. And the nominations are... | 0:02:36 | 0:02:41 | |
-I'm gasping for a drink of water. -There's one. | 0:02:43 | 0:02:47 | |
That's handy. | 0:02:47 | 0:02:48 | |
THUMP | 0:02:49 | 0:02:52 | |
What's that? | 0:02:54 | 0:02:55 | |
Oh... | 0:02:57 | 0:02:58 | |
PINEAPPLE ROARS | 0:02:58 | 0:03:00 | |
THEY SCREAM | 0:03:00 | 0:03:02 | |
ROARS | 0:03:05 | 0:03:08 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:03:11 | 0:03:13 | |
Squirty squirt! | 0:03:48 | 0:03:50 | |
-Hey, what's up with you? -Put it on my tab, baby cakes! | 0:03:53 | 0:03:57 | |
You ain't got no tab! You're a maverick cop, Krakowski! | 0:03:57 | 0:04:01 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:04:01 | 0:04:04 | |
Yea-a-a-ah! | 0:04:05 | 0:04:07 | |
Woo! | 0:04:08 | 0:04:10 | |
THEY SCREAM | 0:04:10 | 0:04:12 | |
-Hey, Cindy. Do you know what I've done? -What? | 0:04:12 | 0:04:16 | |
-I've swapped your parachute. -Eh? -I've swapped your parachute for... | 0:04:16 | 0:04:22 | |
..a trombone. Ha-ha-ha! | 0:04:24 | 0:04:26 | |
And now Earth - I mean Chloe the Third - is mine! | 0:04:26 | 0:04:29 | |
-You know what I've done? -What? | 0:04:29 | 0:04:32 | |
I've swapped your parachute too. | 0:04:32 | 0:04:35 | |
GOAT WHINNIES | 0:04:35 | 0:04:36 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:04:38 | 0:04:39 | |
-Hope we win. -Yeah, fingers crossed. | 0:04:39 | 0:04:41 | |
What are you two worried about? You were nominated in every category. | 0:04:42 | 0:04:46 | |
-You're bound to win. -Don't jinx it, Larry! -And the winner is... | 0:04:46 | 0:04:50 | |
..internet kittens in Fluffy Time! | 0:04:52 | 0:04:54 | |
CHEERING | 0:04:54 | 0:04:56 | |
But they weren't even nominated! | 0:05:03 | 0:05:06 | |
Don't begrudge two little kittens their moment in the limelight. | 0:05:06 | 0:05:10 | |
Shame on you, Larry! | 0:05:10 | 0:05:11 | |
But... But... | 0:05:11 | 0:05:13 | |
Everyone loves the internet kittens, Larry! | 0:05:15 | 0:05:19 | |
They're tough to beat! | 0:05:19 | 0:05:21 | |
The next award is for Best Musical Performance By Terrible Singers. | 0:05:21 | 0:05:27 | |
We're going to win this, easy peasy! | 0:05:27 | 0:05:31 | |
Our terrible singing is making him queasy. | 0:05:31 | 0:05:35 | |
Yes, I know, just stop. | 0:05:35 | 0:05:37 | |
Larry wants us to stop our singing. | 0:05:37 | 0:05:42 | |
Because his diddy ears are ringing! | 0:05:42 | 0:05:47 | |
The nominations are... | 0:05:47 | 0:05:49 | |
What? | 0:05:49 | 0:05:51 | |
I said, the nominations are... | 0:05:51 | 0:05:53 | |
What? | 0:05:53 | 0:05:55 | |
I said, the nominations... Take them out! | 0:05:55 | 0:05:58 | |
Thank you. The nominations are... | 0:05:59 | 0:06:02 | |
# Life's not bad when you're already dead | 0:06:02 | 0:06:06 | |
# Life's not bad when you're already dead | 0:06:06 | 0:06:10 | |
# Life's not bad when you're already dead | 0:06:10 | 0:06:13 | |
# Can tell they're so much better now my eyes are bright red | 0:06:13 | 0:06:17 | |
# Life's not bad when you're already dead | 0:06:17 | 0:06:20 | |
# You can drink two cuppas by rotating your head... # | 0:06:20 | 0:06:25 | |
Ah! | 0:06:25 | 0:06:26 | |
# Yes, life's not bad when you're already dead | 0:06:26 | 0:06:30 | |
# So stop being old and be a zombie instead. # | 0:06:30 | 0:06:35 | |
THEY LAUGH | 0:06:39 | 0:06:41 | |
One, two, three, four. | 0:06:41 | 0:06:42 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:06:42 | 0:06:45 | |
# We want to be famous We want to be rich | 0:06:46 | 0:06:49 | |
# We don't want to wait... # | 0:06:49 | 0:06:52 | |
Through disco week. | 0:06:52 | 0:06:53 | |
# We want cash to stash We could smash and dash | 0:06:53 | 0:06:56 | |
# With a hairy moustache and a very itchy rash, rash, rash, rash... # | 0:06:56 | 0:07:00 | |
Country and western. | 0:07:00 | 0:07:02 | |
# We want to be famous We want to be rich | 0:07:02 | 0:07:04 | |
# We want to wait... # | 0:07:04 | 0:07:06 | |
The Lady Doo Doo week. | 0:07:06 | 0:07:08 | |
# Blah, blah, blah | 0:07:08 | 0:07:11 | |
# Blah, blah, wa-wa-waa... # | 0:07:12 | 0:07:13 | |
All the way to the final. | 0:07:13 | 0:07:15 | |
# We want to be famous We want to be rich | 0:07:15 | 0:07:18 | |
# We want to be famous now! # | 0:07:18 | 0:07:22 | |
Ho, ho, ho! | 0:07:22 | 0:07:24 | |
# Stick the holly on your doggy | 0:07:25 | 0:07:27 | |
# Decorate your tree with turkey mince pies | 0:07:27 | 0:07:30 | |
# Here's a fairy on your Yule log | 0:07:30 | 0:07:32 | |
# Give the carol singer a big surprise... # | 0:07:32 | 0:07:35 | |
SHE SCREAMS | 0:07:35 | 0:07:36 | |
# Pull a cracker, pull a cracker Pull a Christmas cracker, then... # | 0:07:36 | 0:07:40 | |
EXPLOSION, HE SHRIEKS | 0:07:40 | 0:07:41 | |
# Fill a sleigh with piles of... boiled sprouts? # | 0:07:41 | 0:07:44 | |
-No! -Not sprouts! -Never sprouts. We hate sprouts! | 0:07:44 | 0:07:49 | |
# Sing a carol up the chimney | 0:07:51 | 0:07:53 | |
# Honey roasted nuts | 0:07:53 | 0:07:55 | |
# In your TV Guide! # | 0:07:55 | 0:08:02 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:08:02 | 0:08:04 | |
And the winner is... | 0:08:04 | 0:08:07 | |
internet kittens for Sing Kitty Sing. | 0:08:07 | 0:08:11 | |
CHEERING | 0:08:11 | 0:08:13 | |
I guess this means our singing voices are worse than cats! | 0:08:20 | 0:08:23 | |
I could have told yous that! | 0:08:23 | 0:08:25 | |
Oh! Why, you jumped up little... | 0:08:26 | 0:08:29 | |
Larry! | 0:08:29 | 0:08:31 | |
-Be nice to the internet kitties. -Yes. | 0:08:31 | 0:08:34 | |
If you cross them, you'll never work again. | 0:08:34 | 0:08:36 | |
-And now it's time for the adverts. -Oh, good. I need the loo. | 0:08:36 | 0:08:39 | |
And I need to defrost my lasagne. | 0:08:39 | 0:08:41 | |
No, not actual adverts, you diddy brains. | 0:08:41 | 0:08:44 | |
The Diddy Award For Best Advert, | 0:08:44 | 0:08:46 | |
sponsored by Nelson's Doughnuts - the doughnut with the extra hole. | 0:08:46 | 0:08:51 | |
-Sorry! -And the nominations are... | 0:08:51 | 0:08:55 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:08:57 | 0:08:59 | |
Webuyanymonkey.com accept payment in cash, cheque, | 0:09:18 | 0:09:21 | |
credit card or bananas. To speak to an operator, please dial... | 0:09:21 | 0:09:23 | |
-France. -La Tour Eiffel. | 0:09:26 | 0:09:28 | |
-France. -La baguette. | 0:09:28 | 0:09:30 | |
-France. -La mademoiselle. | 0:09:30 | 0:09:32 | |
-France. -La Sparadrap. | 0:09:32 | 0:09:35 | |
-France. -La pamplemousse. | 0:09:35 | 0:09:37 | |
-France. -La vache. | 0:09:37 | 0:09:38 | |
-France... -Warning. | 0:09:38 | 0:09:40 | |
France is not in Great Britain. | 0:09:40 | 0:09:42 | |
France. La bibliotheque. | 0:09:42 | 0:09:45 | |
Ooh-la-la. | 0:09:47 | 0:09:49 | |
There's so many ways you can get confused. | 0:09:49 | 0:09:51 | |
So many things are confusing. | 0:09:51 | 0:09:52 | |
Are you confused? | 0:09:52 | 0:09:53 | |
-Well, now you can... -Pineapple.com! | 0:09:53 | 0:09:56 | |
-I know. -He knows. | 0:09:56 | 0:09:58 | |
Pineapple.com, the de-confusing website. | 0:09:58 | 0:10:00 | |
-Pineapple.com. -Pineapple.com! | 0:10:00 | 0:10:02 | |
Oh, I'm so confused! | 0:10:02 | 0:10:04 | |
-Bless you! If you're confused like him, then we... -Compare things! | 0:10:04 | 0:10:08 | |
-Are you still confused about comparing? -What about now? | 0:10:08 | 0:10:12 | |
-Pineapple.com. -Now I'm never confused. -Now he's never confused. | 0:10:12 | 0:10:16 | |
-Pineapple.com. -Pineapple.com. -Pineapple.com. -Pineapple.com. | 0:10:16 | 0:10:20 | |
Pineapple... | 0:10:20 | 0:10:22 | |
-Please. Please. -And the winner is... | 0:10:22 | 0:10:25 | |
..internet kittens. | 0:10:26 | 0:10:27 | |
CHEERING | 0:10:27 | 0:10:29 | |
Buy doughnuts! | 0:10:29 | 0:10:30 | |
-There are very good. -Those hats have scored a cat-trick! -Eh? -I mean... | 0:10:30 | 0:10:35 | |
Oh, never mind. | 0:10:35 | 0:10:37 | |
Ha! 15-0! | 0:10:38 | 0:10:39 | |
We have to win something soon. The awards are running out. | 0:10:39 | 0:10:43 | |
Don't get in a tizzy. This one is in the bag for us, make no mistake. | 0:10:43 | 0:10:47 | |
You sure? | 0:10:47 | 0:10:49 | |
And now the award for Most Gratuitously Unnecessary | 0:10:49 | 0:10:52 | |
Rudeness At An Inappropriate Moment. | 0:10:52 | 0:10:55 | |
We're sure! | 0:10:55 | 0:10:57 | |
And here are the nominations. | 0:10:57 | 0:10:59 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:10:59 | 0:11:00 | |
And here is your host, Fred Grimshaw! | 0:11:02 | 0:11:06 | |
Hello, and welcome to the game show where celebrities have to guess | 0:11:06 | 0:11:09 | |
what Daisy the cow had for breakfast. | 0:11:09 | 0:11:12 | |
And here's a clue - it's always grass | 0:11:12 | 0:11:14 | |
because that's all she ever eats. It's time for round five... One. | 0:11:14 | 0:11:18 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:11:18 | 0:11:20 | |
PHRRT! | 0:11:20 | 0:11:22 | |
Guess what Daisy had for breakfast. | 0:11:24 | 0:11:26 | |
And here's a clue - the answer's grass. | 0:11:26 | 0:11:28 | |
You said you were going to blow our socks off. Well... | 0:11:28 | 0:11:31 | |
-They're still on. -Oh, yeah, nearly forgot! | 0:11:33 | 0:11:36 | |
Here y'are. | 0:11:36 | 0:11:38 | |
PHRRT! | 0:11:38 | 0:11:40 | |
Ta-da! | 0:11:40 | 0:11:42 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:11:43 | 0:11:46 | |
Oh, no! Sir! He done snots on my test, sir. | 0:11:49 | 0:11:53 | |
Bogeys! Do I get an extra point for shouting that? | 0:11:54 | 0:11:58 | |
No, he doesn't! | 0:11:58 | 0:11:59 | |
Right! You're both disqualified for covering everything with bogeys! | 0:12:12 | 0:12:18 | |
And the winner is... | 0:12:18 | 0:12:20 | |
I'd like to thank my agent, my banjo teacher, | 0:12:20 | 0:12:23 | |
-and the boy who brings me meat paste sandwiches. -That's me. -Oh, yes. | 0:12:23 | 0:12:26 | |
-Thank you, Diddy Dick. -You're welcome, Diddy Dom. | 0:12:26 | 0:12:29 | |
Internet kittens for Blame It On The Cat. | 0:12:29 | 0:12:32 | |
What?! | 0:12:32 | 0:12:34 | |
PHRRT! | 0:12:38 | 0:12:39 | |
15-all! Those internet kittens are quick learners. | 0:12:41 | 0:12:46 | |
I've had just about enough of this. They say we can't act. | 0:12:46 | 0:12:49 | |
They say we can't sing. | 0:12:49 | 0:12:51 | |
-But no-one can say that we don't know how to be rude. -Yeah! | 0:12:51 | 0:12:56 | |
It looks like those pretty kitties are going to sweep the board. | 0:12:59 | 0:13:03 | |
Hey, look, chaps, the last award has got our names written all over it! | 0:13:03 | 0:13:07 | |
-Literally. -And so we come to the final award. | 0:13:07 | 0:13:11 | |
The Diddy Dick And Dom Award | 0:13:11 | 0:13:13 | |
For Best Performance By Diddy Dick And Dom In A Dick And Dom Movie. | 0:13:13 | 0:13:18 | |
You see? Easy. If we don't win this, we should just give up! | 0:13:18 | 0:13:22 | |
I don't know what to wish for. | 0:13:22 | 0:13:24 | |
Winning an award or you two just giving up! | 0:13:24 | 0:13:27 | |
-And the winner is... -Yes? | 0:13:27 | 0:13:30 | |
Is... | 0:13:30 | 0:13:31 | |
Yes? | 0:13:31 | 0:13:34 | |
-Is... -Yes? | 0:13:34 | 0:13:36 | |
-..cute internet kittens. -CHEERING | 0:13:36 | 0:13:39 | |
What?! | 0:13:39 | 0:13:41 | |
Yes, that's right. Thanks for all the awards, suckers! Meow and good night! | 0:13:47 | 0:13:52 | |
Well, Larry. | 0:13:54 | 0:13:55 | |
What do you think of that? | 0:13:56 | 0:13:58 | |
What about you lot? What did you think? | 0:14:00 | 0:14:03 | |
CROWD BOOS | 0:14:03 | 0:14:06 | |
I don't know why I'm surprised. You two were never going to get an award. | 0:14:11 | 0:14:16 | |
Ah, but our next film is a guaranteed award winner. | 0:14:16 | 0:14:20 | |
It's called Internet Kittens Chips And Peas. | 0:14:20 | 0:14:26 | |
I love it! Your cheque is in the post! | 0:14:26 | 0:14:29 | |
# This time next year You'll be millionaires | 0:14:29 | 0:14:32 | |
# Go, Diddy Movies, yeah! # | 0:14:32 | 0:14:34 | |
Hello. I'm Quentin Hitchcliff, legendary film critic. | 0:14:34 | 0:14:40 | |
I've interviewed some of the greatest names in cinematic history. | 0:14:40 | 0:14:44 | |
Yet despite this, | 0:14:44 | 0:14:46 | |
I've been asked today to discuss the work of Diddy Dick and Dom. | 0:14:46 | 0:14:50 | |
Hugely talented, cinematic giants, larger than life superstars. | 0:14:50 | 0:14:56 | |
Just some of the things that have never been said | 0:14:56 | 0:14:58 | |
about this pair of Tinseltown terrors. | 0:14:58 | 0:15:01 | |
Persons of a nervous disposition should put their head in a bag. | 0:15:02 | 0:15:06 | |
Because we, Rowntree and Bilge, | 0:15:06 | 0:15:09 | |
bring to you what will surely be known | 0:15:09 | 0:15:11 | |
as the eighth wonder of the world. | 0:15:11 | 0:15:14 | |
GASPING | 0:15:16 | 0:15:17 | |
WOMAN SCREAMS | 0:15:17 | 0:15:19 | |
DEEP VOICE: Wee-wee gas. | 0:15:19 | 0:15:22 | |
Bum chutney. | 0:15:22 | 0:15:24 | |
Fartarama. | 0:15:24 | 0:15:26 | |
Ooh! Turkey. | 0:15:28 | 0:15:30 | |
No-one has ever entered the kingdom of the Black Knight and survived. | 0:15:33 | 0:15:36 | |
Prepare to meet a slow, gruesome, medieval death. | 0:15:36 | 0:15:40 | |
You see, we can't, because... | 0:15:40 | 0:15:42 | |
Oh. | 0:15:42 | 0:15:43 | |
-Come on, fight me, you wimps! -Oh! | 0:15:46 | 0:15:48 | |
We can't. Because he... | 0:15:48 | 0:15:51 | |
You know, please don't... | 0:15:51 | 0:15:52 | |
Aaaaagh! The tea boy! | 0:15:55 | 0:15:58 | |
Hmm. Just as I predicted. | 0:16:00 | 0:16:02 | |
He's been...mooned! | 0:16:04 | 0:16:07 | |
PRRRRRRRFT! | 0:16:07 | 0:16:08 | |
Gentlemen, thank you for taking the time to talk to me today. | 0:16:08 | 0:16:12 | |
-It's an honour and a privet hedge. -Is this going to take long? | 0:16:12 | 0:16:15 | |
-We're in the middle of a movie. -Yes, The History Of The Universe. | 0:16:15 | 0:16:18 | |
One of the biggest and most expensive movies ever made. | 0:16:18 | 0:16:21 | |
It was all shot on location in space. | 0:16:21 | 0:16:23 | |
But this is a Diddy Movie special, devoted to your life's work. | 0:16:23 | 0:16:26 | |
Oh, right, yes, well... In that case, take your time, lovey. | 0:16:26 | 0:16:30 | |
Lovely. | 0:16:30 | 0:16:31 | |
-Lovey! -Yes. | 0:16:31 | 0:16:33 | |
Well, let's now examine your work in more detail. | 0:16:33 | 0:16:36 | |
One of your most controversial films to date is Dracula. | 0:16:36 | 0:16:40 | |
Draculaaaaaaa. | 0:16:40 | 0:16:43 | |
-That's what I said. -No, you said Dracula. | 0:16:43 | 0:16:45 | |
It's Draculaaaaaaa. | 0:16:45 | 0:16:48 | |
In fact, the original title was Draculaaaaaaaaaaa... | 0:16:48 | 0:16:54 | |
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa... | 0:16:54 | 0:16:57 | |
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa... | 0:16:57 | 0:17:01 | |
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa... | 0:17:01 | 0:17:06 | |
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa... | 0:17:06 | 0:17:09 | |
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa... | 0:17:09 | 0:17:13 | |
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa... | 0:17:13 | 0:17:16 | |
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa... | 0:17:16 | 0:17:20 | |
-That's incredi... -..aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. | 0:17:20 | 0:17:23 | |
-Thank you. -..aaaaaaa. -Aaaaaa. | 0:17:23 | 0:17:26 | |
Let's now look at that film, | 0:17:29 | 0:17:33 | |
Draculaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. | 0:17:33 | 0:17:39 | |
Aaaaaaaaaaa. | 0:17:41 | 0:17:43 | |
A! | 0:17:45 | 0:17:46 | |
THEY SCREAM | 0:17:48 | 0:17:49 | |
HORSE NEIGHS | 0:17:49 | 0:17:51 | |
Oh! Ah! Ow! Oooh! Aaah! | 0:17:53 | 0:17:55 | |
Bangwells! | 0:17:58 | 0:18:00 | |
Prattlebox! | 0:18:00 | 0:18:01 | |
-Bingles! -Noston! | 0:18:01 | 0:18:03 | |
Ohhhhh! Mmmm... | 0:18:03 | 0:18:05 | |
-Oh! So, I take that as a yes, then. -Push off! | 0:18:05 | 0:18:09 | |
Oh! What a lovely view! | 0:18:09 | 0:18:12 | |
I can see my hou... | 0:18:12 | 0:18:13 | |
BLOWS RASPBERRY | 0:18:15 | 0:18:17 | |
Oh dear, oh my. Oh, oh! | 0:18:20 | 0:18:24 | |
Ohh! Aaaaaaagh! | 0:18:24 | 0:18:27 | |
BLOWS RASPBERRY | 0:18:27 | 0:18:30 | |
Now, you make your films together. How do you share the workload? | 0:18:30 | 0:18:34 | |
Oh, well, you see, I do the writing, directing, producing, | 0:18:34 | 0:18:37 | |
make-up, wardrobe, lighting, camerawork and editing. | 0:18:37 | 0:18:40 | |
And I am the executive beverage and light refreshment producer. | 0:18:40 | 0:18:43 | |
That reminds me, can I have two sugars in mine? | 0:18:43 | 0:18:45 | |
And a lovely plate of Garibaldis. | 0:18:45 | 0:18:48 | |
He won't be long. Because he can't move. | 0:18:48 | 0:18:51 | |
Best tea boy in the business. | 0:18:51 | 0:18:52 | |
Well, let's have another clip while we wait. | 0:18:52 | 0:18:56 | |
To learn kung boo, you must master the art of... | 0:18:56 | 0:18:59 | |
the unpredictable! | 0:18:59 | 0:19:00 | |
BELL RINGS DISTANTLY | 0:19:00 | 0:19:02 | |
HE SCREAMS | 0:19:02 | 0:19:04 | |
HORN HONKS | 0:19:04 | 0:19:05 | |
Please, can we just...? | 0:19:06 | 0:19:08 | |
You must catch your opponent unawares! | 0:19:08 | 0:19:11 | |
ARABIAN-STYLE MUSIC | 0:19:11 | 0:19:13 | |
-Buzzzzz! -No! | 0:19:17 | 0:19:20 | |
Well, how about this! | 0:19:22 | 0:19:24 | |
Buzzzzz! | 0:19:24 | 0:19:25 | |
How's that helping?! | 0:19:29 | 0:19:31 | |
Human Man, the nation owes you a... | 0:19:31 | 0:19:33 | |
PRRRRRRRRFT! Ooh! That's better. | 0:19:33 | 0:19:35 | |
..a debt of gratitude that can never be... | 0:19:35 | 0:19:38 | |
PRRRRRRRRFT! More tea, Archbishop? | 0:19:38 | 0:19:40 | |
Oh, man! | 0:19:40 | 0:19:42 | |
That reeks! I'll come back and get it later, all right? | 0:19:42 | 0:19:44 | |
Probably best, yeah. | 0:19:44 | 0:19:46 | |
Tell me about your work in front of the camera. | 0:19:46 | 0:19:49 | |
Diddy Dick over here is, without doubt, | 0:19:49 | 0:19:52 | |
one of the finest actors I've ever seen. | 0:19:52 | 0:19:55 | |
No, no, no, lovey. | 0:19:55 | 0:19:57 | |
-The camera simply loves Diddy Dom. -Oh! Well, I doth protest. | 0:19:57 | 0:20:01 | |
When you act, the sun shines. | 0:20:01 | 0:20:06 | |
Well, when you act, the trees fill with blossom. | 0:20:06 | 0:20:10 | |
Oh. | 0:20:10 | 0:20:12 | |
Well, when you act, | 0:20:12 | 0:20:14 | |
a thousand angels sigh, | 0:20:14 | 0:20:17 | |
creating a heavenly wind that lifts our cassocks. | 0:20:17 | 0:20:20 | |
Well, when you act, | 0:20:22 | 0:20:24 | |
tiny woodland creatures tremble in adoration | 0:20:24 | 0:20:28 | |
and sing a song of love so that they bring joy to the world! | 0:20:28 | 0:20:31 | |
-Really? -No. | 0:20:33 | 0:20:34 | |
Well, I think you've proved you're about as good as each other. | 0:20:34 | 0:20:37 | |
Let's see some of those acting skills in action. | 0:20:37 | 0:20:40 | |
-Luuuuughhh... -DIDDY DICK SLURPS | 0:20:40 | 0:20:42 | |
Horatio? | 0:20:44 | 0:20:46 | |
Horatio! | 0:20:47 | 0:20:49 | |
Horatio, come here now! | 0:20:49 | 0:20:50 | |
Oh, Horatio! | 0:20:52 | 0:20:55 | |
HE SOBS GENTLY | 0:20:55 | 0:20:57 | |
No-o-o! | 0:20:58 | 0:21:00 | |
Oh, it's you. | 0:21:01 | 0:21:02 | |
-Goodbye, friend! -Goodbye! | 0:21:02 | 0:21:05 | |
-Wait. What's that? -It's literally raining cats and dogs. | 0:21:05 | 0:21:10 | |
Can't be! | 0:21:10 | 0:21:12 | |
-Butch?! -Twinkle! | 0:21:12 | 0:21:15 | |
-CAT YOWLS -We're saved! | 0:21:15 | 0:21:18 | |
'And so, the young novice had agreed to fight | 0:21:18 | 0:21:21 | |
'the most fearsome kung boo warrior in the whole of China. | 0:21:21 | 0:21:26 | |
'In just three days' time. | 0:21:26 | 0:21:29 | |
'Ha! What a total bean spot!' | 0:21:29 | 0:21:31 | |
Truly awful. | 0:21:33 | 0:21:34 | |
I mean, truly awesome. | 0:21:36 | 0:21:38 | |
Now, many of your movies contain action sequences, special effects. | 0:21:38 | 0:21:44 | |
Do you do your own stunts? | 0:21:44 | 0:21:46 | |
Aaaaagh! | 0:21:46 | 0:21:48 | |
Yes. | 0:21:49 | 0:21:50 | |
Oh! He shot us! I can't believe he shot us! | 0:21:53 | 0:21:58 | |
Oh! He shot us again! | 0:22:02 | 0:22:04 | |
That is not fair. | 0:22:04 | 0:22:07 | |
THEY SCREAM | 0:22:07 | 0:22:08 | |
'All units! | 0:22:11 | 0:22:12 | |
'The runaway train came down the track | 0:22:12 | 0:22:14 | |
'and she blew, repeat, she blew!' | 0:22:14 | 0:22:16 | |
Ahh! | 0:22:34 | 0:22:37 | |
HE CHUCKLES | 0:22:40 | 0:22:42 | |
-Ataya! -Waaaagh! | 0:22:42 | 0:22:44 | |
CHEERING | 0:22:44 | 0:22:46 | |
Big boulder nipple yanky surprise. | 0:22:46 | 0:22:48 | |
-Seat belt on, please, madam. -Seat backs upright, please, sir. | 0:22:52 | 0:22:56 | |
Oh, you'll have to put that fridge freezer in the overhead locker. | 0:22:56 | 0:22:59 | |
Oh, ahem! Assume brace position, please, sir. | 0:22:59 | 0:23:02 | |
Thank you. | 0:23:05 | 0:23:06 | |
THUNDER CRACKS, THEY SCREAM | 0:23:06 | 0:23:09 | |
That must have cost a lot of money. | 0:23:09 | 0:23:12 | |
You obviously have a very generous, understanding | 0:23:12 | 0:23:15 | |
and handsome backer to support you. | 0:23:15 | 0:23:17 | |
Oh, we never discuss money, dear. It's so vulgar. | 0:23:17 | 0:23:21 | |
We have a grubby little man that deals with all that for us. | 0:23:21 | 0:23:25 | |
Grubby little man? Grubby little man?! Why, I oughta... | 0:23:25 | 0:23:29 | |
Oh, look, what a coincidence! | 0:23:29 | 0:23:31 | |
Our grubby little man is a sausage muncher too. | 0:23:31 | 0:23:35 | |
And he sweats a lot. | 0:23:36 | 0:23:38 | |
Yes, well, it's time for, er, another distraction. I mean, a clip. | 0:23:38 | 0:23:44 | |
And what better way to change the subject than with a song. | 0:23:44 | 0:23:48 | |
# There's no-one quite like Brad | 0:23:48 | 0:23:50 | |
# There's no-one quite like Brad | 0:23:50 | 0:23:54 | |
# Je t'adore.... # | 0:23:54 | 0:23:55 | |
Oh, Brad! | 0:23:55 | 0:23:57 | |
# We glide | 0:23:59 | 0:24:02 | |
# Far below the rolling tide | 0:24:02 | 0:24:06 | |
# Serene | 0:24:07 | 0:24:10 | |
# Through the bubbly blue and green | 0:24:10 | 0:24:14 | |
# It's lovely... # | 0:24:14 | 0:24:16 | |
# Eat your friends, eat your friends | 0:24:16 | 0:24:18 | |
# When you're at your wits' end | 0:24:18 | 0:24:20 | |
# When they drive you round the bend | 0:24:20 | 0:24:22 | |
# Eat your friends | 0:24:22 | 0:24:24 | |
# Steam 'em, boil 'em | 0:24:25 | 0:24:27 | |
# Make a kebab | 0:24:27 | 0:24:30 | |
# Chew 'em, broil 'em | 0:24:30 | 0:24:32 | |
# Crack 'em like a crab... # | 0:24:32 | 0:24:34 | |
# Prom night, prom night | 0:24:34 | 0:24:37 | |
# Prawn night! | 0:24:37 | 0:24:38 | |
# No! Prom night | 0:24:38 | 0:24:40 | |
# Prom night | 0:24:40 | 0:24:44 | |
# Prom night | 0:24:44 | 0:24:47 | |
# Prom night! # | 0:24:47 | 0:24:50 | |
Quentin? | 0:24:52 | 0:24:54 | |
Quentin... | 0:24:54 | 0:24:56 | |
-Quentin! -Oh! Is it over? | 0:24:57 | 0:25:00 | |
Oh, er... Now it's time to talk about your cheapest work. | 0:25:00 | 0:25:04 | |
-I mean, your best work. -How can you possibly narrow it down? | 0:25:04 | 0:25:10 | |
-Yes, you see, each Diddy Movie is like a newborn baby to us. -Yes. | 0:25:10 | 0:25:14 | |
Difficult to deliver, impossible to understand | 0:25:14 | 0:25:16 | |
-and always needs changing. -No! | 0:25:16 | 0:25:18 | |
I mean, special, enchanting, and full of life. | 0:25:18 | 0:25:21 | |
No, no, I'm not talking about your movies. | 0:25:21 | 0:25:23 | |
I'm talking about your Diddy adverts. | 0:25:23 | 0:25:26 | |
'Ed's Fast Food on the High Street.' | 0:25:27 | 0:25:30 | |
Burger and chips, please. | 0:25:30 | 0:25:33 | |
Oh! I'm not having that! Where's me chips? | 0:25:33 | 0:25:37 | |
Ohhh! Thank you! | 0:25:37 | 0:25:38 | |
'Ed's Fast Food on the High Street. | 0:25:40 | 0:25:42 | |
'It tastes disgusting, but it's really fast.' | 0:25:42 | 0:25:44 | |
You need...Baby Let One Off! | 0:25:44 | 0:25:48 | |
She laughs, she cries. | 0:25:48 | 0:25:51 | |
She farts like a foghorn! | 0:25:51 | 0:25:54 | |
Pump her arm and she'll pump out a tune! | 0:25:54 | 0:25:56 | |
SHE FARTS "LAND OF HOPE AND GLORY" | 0:25:56 | 0:26:00 | |
But whatever you do, don't pull her finger! | 0:26:00 | 0:26:03 | |
That was entertaining. Far better than that movie rubbish. | 0:26:04 | 0:26:08 | |
-And much, much cheaper. -Now, steady on, Quentin! | 0:26:08 | 0:26:11 | |
I don't think this is Quentin at all. The sausage, the sweating. | 0:26:12 | 0:26:18 | |
All the talk of money. It can only be... | 0:26:18 | 0:26:21 | |
Yeah, Larry Weinstein-Berger! It was me all along. | 0:26:23 | 0:26:27 | |
But...but why, Larry? | 0:26:27 | 0:26:29 | |
Because I'm sick of paying for your lamebrained ideas, that's why. | 0:26:29 | 0:26:32 | |
None of them are any good, and they all cost me millions. | 0:26:32 | 0:26:36 | |
And now the latest, The History Of The Universe, | 0:26:36 | 0:26:38 | |
shot entirely on location in space! | 0:26:38 | 0:26:41 | |
The costs are literally out of this world. | 0:26:41 | 0:26:44 | |
So I thought I'd distract you a little | 0:26:44 | 0:26:46 | |
-by talking about your favourite subject... -Us. -Us. | 0:26:46 | 0:26:49 | |
Exactly. So, while I get the crew to close the set... | 0:26:49 | 0:26:53 | |
I'm axing the film and I'm axing you. | 0:26:54 | 0:26:58 | |
And I never want to hear another one of your ideas ever again, capisce?! | 0:26:58 | 0:27:02 | |
-That's a real shame, Larry. -We've saved our best idea till last. | 0:27:02 | 0:27:05 | |
Really? | 0:27:05 | 0:27:07 | |
Oh, well, you see, we play two brilliant | 0:27:07 | 0:27:11 | |
-but misunderstood movie stars. -Don't forget handsome. | 0:27:11 | 0:27:14 | |
We play two brilliant, handsome but misunderstood movie stars, | 0:27:14 | 0:27:17 | |
who have to try and outwit their mean and devious boss... | 0:27:17 | 0:27:21 | |
Don't forget hideously ugly! | 0:27:21 | 0:27:23 | |
Oh, yes, outwit their mean and devious and hideously ugly boss | 0:27:23 | 0:27:27 | |
into backing their lamebrained ideas | 0:27:27 | 0:27:29 | |
and handing over large wodges of cash. | 0:27:29 | 0:27:31 | |
'That is the most pointless, useless, hopeless, fatuous, | 0:27:31 | 0:27:36 | |
'specious numb-boned idea I've ever heard...' | 0:27:36 | 0:27:39 | |
I love it! | 0:27:39 | 0:27:40 | |
THEY GIBBER AND CHEER | 0:27:40 | 0:27:44 | |
Here's the money! | 0:27:44 | 0:27:45 | |
# Go, Diddy Movies. Yeah! # | 0:27:45 | 0:27:47 |