Breaking Wind Diddy TV

# Larry Weinsteinberger, the Diddy Movies' boss

# His last few films have flopped with catastrophic money loss

# So, he's ditching Diddy Movies for the thrill of television

# The small screen is the future for those with any vision

# With Larry's bottom dollar He's launched a TV station

# Packed with creativity, style and innovation

# Diddy TV! Diddy TV! Channel 6597423

# A brand-new rival for the BBC

# It's Diddy Dick and Dom's Diddy TV! #

Television, a magical place to escape and get away from the boring

realities of life.

But first, cookery.

The Great British Cake... Cake Off!

-Hello.

-Hello.

-Hello.

-Hello.

And welcome to the Great British Cake Off.

12 have been whittled down to just three.

Now we're left with the creme de la creme.

-Yes.

-The top of the toppings.

-Exactly.

-The sprinkliest of sprinklings.

-Enough.

Let's meet them.

I'm here to bake my beard off.

I want to make my kids proud.

I like cake. Ha-ha-ha.

-So.

-So.

-So.

-So.

So let's see if we'll be ice-singing your praises later as we

BATTENBERG down the hatches.

-I said enough already!

-Oh.

This week, chocolate eclairs.

Now, five minutes.

Ready, steady,

-Cake Off.

-Cake Off.

Ah.

Dave's choux pastry has turned out well.

So, now, the delicate task of piping his chocolate.

All right, Dave?

Yes,

I'm doing fine, Sally.

This is a really tricky bit so I just need to concentr...

I'll leave you to it then.

You don't need this bit, do you?

SHE CHOMPS

Edith has spent the last hour carefully preparing

her Chantilly cream.

-So, Edith.

-Hi, Moo.

Can I try a little...a little soupcon of cream?

-It's at a very delicate stage.

-Stage, yes.

Aargh.

HE CHOMPS

SHE SNIFFLES

Ten seconds left.

So, with the finishing touches in place, it's time for Paul and Mary

to DECLAIR...

SMACK Aargh. ..their favourite.

Whew. Oh, deary me.

-You've let your bottom drop off.

-Yeah.

-No.

HE SNIFFLES

Oh, deary me. Edith, that is a disaster.

You've got saggy cream.

Oh, I've got to say that...that is absolutely first class.

I'd...I'd be proud of that.

-Yes, indeed. First class.

-Yeah.

-Exquisite.

-Well done.

-Very good. Very good.

-Well done.

-You should be proud.

We have a winner.

And for the losers, it's time for the Cake Off takeoff.

Argh.

-Go on, then, you like that, do you?

-Stick that in your cake hole.

Well, you're noisy but nice now, aren't you?

-And coming up next on Diddy TV, Diddy Brother.

-You're greedy.

Most nappies keep your baby dry on the inside.

But what about the outside?

With Baby Dry, never worry again about splashing...

SPLASH

SOUND OF BABY LAUGHING

..sloshing...

SLOSH

..or even a full-on dousing.

SPLOOSH

Baby Dry, no matter what life throws at your baby.

Day 37 in the Diddy Brother house and the contestants

are having lunch.

This is Diddy Brother.

You have 30 seconds to eat lunch.

KLAXON BLARES

Ah, OK, everybody, hot naans.

SOUND OF GUNFIRE

Get in.

THEY CHOMP

Tomato sauce.

SQUIRT

Mustard.

SQUIRT

Got any onion?

I don't like onions. Can I have anything else?

How about lobster?

CHUCKLING

BURP

Hey, you appeared on a reality show once, didn't you, Ashley?

Sure did.

Showered in a waterfall, ate live cockroaches,

got covered in fish guts.

Nasty.

But now you're sat here with me watching Diddy TV. Ha-ha.

That's better than fish guts, isn't it?

Ashley?

-Give me a minute, still thinking.

-FART SOUND

If music be the food of love, then switch it off.

Switch it off.

APPLAUSE

Hello and welcome to DiddyPops.

Yes, at number one in the Diddy charts for the 15th week running,

-it's Breaking Wind.

-APPLAUSE

# One, two, three

# If you're exiting a very crowded lift

# And you want to leave a little party gift

# Don't let it out too late

# Or they won't appreciate

# The aroma of your generous odour drift

# If you want to cause amusement on a train

# Or test the air conditioning on a plane

# Get coffee in your seat, prepare to generate some heat

# But check you're not near any naked flames

# Halfway through a crucial interview

# You're struggling but you don't know what to do

# A little trumping session always makes a good impression

# So for breakfast have some pizza, cabbage, too

# While engaging in a nice romantic dinner

# Your companion doesn't smell or even glimmer

# You want to break the ice, here's some fabulous advice

# Drop your guts, it's sure to be a winner

# Here we go

# Now we've shown you just what you can do

# When you want to instigate a ballyhoo

# Trump at your leisure, it really is a pleasure

# But just make sure you never follow through

# Just make sure you never follow through. #

BLOWS TRUMPET

FARTING SOUNDS

Hello, boys and girls. Are you sitting comfortably? Good.

Well, here's Dicky with a lovely story.

Oh, do I have to?

Look, do I have to get out the hamster jam?

BEES BUZZING

Hello, boys and girls, I'm going to read you the story of

Timmy And His Magic Pebble.

Sounds exciting, doesn't it?

All right, all right, yes, I'm doing it.

"Timmy loved nothing more in the world than collecting pebbles."

I mean, seriously, why? Was there something wrong with him?

Argh. Argh.

All right, I'll read it.

"One day, he found a very big, very shiny pebble

"which he knew at once was a magic pebble that would be his friend."

I mean, where are his parents? That's what I want to know.

-HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

-All right.

"With a swoosh and a whoosh, and a swirl of magic,

"the big pebble rescued all of the stranded dolphins."

Oh, dear, I seem to have missed a bit.

Oh, well, don't worry, I mean, you'll catch up eventually.

-It's not Shakespeare, is it?

-Look, this is your last warning.

BEES BUZZING

Um... "'Thank you, Timmy,' said the King of the Mermaids.

"'Your magic pebble has saved my dolphin friends.'"

But seriously, Timmy, you might want to stop hanging round with

pebbles and get some friends of your own age.

You know what I'm saying? Argh. All right.

"And Timmy said, 'To be fair, the reason I have no friends

"'is I'm a snot-nosed little brat with a pebble fixation.'"

Argh.

"And he went home and never left his room ever..."

Argh. "..again."

The end.

Argh! Get off! Argh! Argh!

Argh! Get off.

Goodnight my lucky ducklings.

Sweet dreams.

Now, I'd like to tell you a story about how this got commissioned.

Diddy Roadshow.

Hello, and welcome to the Diddy Roadshow.

And have we got some treasures to show you today.

-And so, to our first objet...

-Of the day.

-Bin?

-Don't care.

Never liked it anyway.

Join us next week when we'll be looking at more expensive tut.

And next week's episode will be coming from

a disused toilet factory.

I appeared on the Antiques show once.

It was awful.

Working with dusty old things that had seen better days and might fall

-apart at any moment.

-Oh.

But now you're sat here with me.

How times change, hey?

Hey, adverts, yay.

Hello, hello.

I am a real-life dentist.

And this is a real-life person.

Hello, I am a real-life person stood next to this real-life dentist.

Buy Toothy Fresh, please.

Otherwise my agent will drop me if this isn't...

-Enough, enough, Sebastian, enough.

-Oh.

Buy Toothy Fresh.

I'm not an actor, either.

APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER

-Hiya. I'm Bradley Guffaw...

-And I'm Shane Titter.

-Welcome to...

-BOTH: Just For Pranks.

The show with more wind-ups than a grandfather clock.

LAUGHTER

It's us.

Let's get on with our first prank. Ha-ha.

This is our very fake and very bad car garage.

And this is Ken Satsuma.

Our first and only customer.

Ken's brought in his pride and joy.

His flashy yellow sports car.

To fix a scratch.

What if he thought we'd misunderstood him?

Let's see. Ha-ha.

Ah, morning, sir.

Oh, about time.

Sorry about the delay but we're ready to fix your car now.

Be done in a tick.

LAUGHTER

CRASH

My car.

-What have you done?

-You said you wanted it scrapped.

No, I said I wanted you to fix the scratch.

Oh, it's too late for that now, mate.

That will cost you 500 quid.

SHRIEKS WITH LAUGHTER

Ken, Ken, Ken, we're not really mechanics.

It's us from the telly.

-What?

-BOTH: Just For Pranks.

You mean, no way, this is all just a set-up?

BOTH: Yes.

Oh, and you haven't crushed my car?

Oh, no, we crushed your car.

But we did it

on the telly.

How can we make it look like we wrecked your car

if we didn't wreck your car?

No, you're supposed to use a fake car or mirrors or something.

Another great prank there, Bradley.

It wasn't a prank!

LAUGHTER

See you next time and until then, remember, it's...

BOTH: Just For Pranks.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

And with that legal nightmare behind us, it's time to say good evening,

goodnight and good riddance.

# Diddy TV! Diddy TV! Channel 6597423

# A brand-new rival for the BBC

# It's Diddy Dick and Dom's Diddy TV!

# Diddy Dick and Dom's Diddy TV! #