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Mr Bully Diddy TV

Mr Bully

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# Larry Weinsteinberger, the Diddy Movies' boss

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# His last few films have flopped with catastrophic money loss

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# So he's ditching Diddy Movies for the thrill of television

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# The small screen is the future for those with any vision

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# With Larry's bottom dollar he's launched a TV station

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# Packed with creativity, style and innovation

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# Diddy TV! Diddy TV! Channel 6597423

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# A brand-new rival for the BBC

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# It's Diddy Dick and Dom's Diddy TV! #

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I'm having a new lawnmower delivered today.

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While we wait, watch this.

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-Hello!

-Hello!

-Hello!

-Hello!

-Hello!

-Hello!

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-Hello!

-And welcome to The Great British Take Off.

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-This week's challenge is to...

-Take off.

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..and propel yourself as high in the air as you possibly can.

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But who are the pick of the pilots?

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-Yes!

-The aeronautical aces?

-Exactly!

-The fantastic flyers?

-Enough!

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-The plane perfect people?

-I said enough!

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Let's meet them.

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Hi, my name's Dave, and I want to reach new heights.

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Hi, I'm Edith. I want to soar!

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Spanners! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

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I feel like spring is in the air.

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-Not again.

-I hope you've all eaten a good...launch.

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Because!

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We're ready to go.

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Ready. Steady.

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-Take off!

-Take off.

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Dave's creation is a finely-tuned, spring-loaded solution -

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his Wangamatic 900.

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-All right! Dave.

-Ooh! Oh.

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Yeah, I...I just need...

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-Boom!

-Aaaaaaargh!

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Looks like there's a few kinks to work out there, Dave.

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'Edith's idea is bird-based.'

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-Oh! Hello, Edith.

-Hello, Sally.

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Oh! They look dead soft.

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A...A...choo!

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Oh! Bless me.

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Ten seconds left!

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So-o-o-o-o, whose design will launch them to the title "Take Off Master"?

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-Absolutely criminal.

-Yes. You've allowed your feathers to flop.

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Will Dave fare any better?

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BOING

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-Huh?

-You needed more coil.

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Will Nigel's plan get off the ground?

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That is a great effort. Great.

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Wonderful. Absolutely wonderful.

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So we have a winner.

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And, for the losers, it's time to...

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Take off!

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-DAVE AND EDITH:

-Aaaaaaaargh!

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-Goodbye.

-Goodbye.

-Goodbye.

-Three, two, one...

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-Goodbye.

-Goodbye.

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-Goodbye.

-Forget it.

-Goodbye!

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Check out the new Mega-Thunder Zponge!

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Now in neon orange! Yeah!

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Wash a window!

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Clean a car!

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Wash a window AND clean a car at the same time!

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Is it just a regular sponge dyed bright orange?

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-Heck, yeah!

-Heck, yeah!

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Use with the Mega-Blaster Zbucket for maximum accuracy!

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Zbucket - it's the receptacle everyone's talking about!

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And, for more Zponge fun, introducing all-new Zuds!

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They're bubbles, but not as you know them!

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Zponge. Don't forget to dunk!

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Zponge available in all good retailers and one or two bad ones.

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Do not eat Zponge, it'll turn your poo orange.

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Premium drama now, with Downton Moggy.

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HE RINGS BELL

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Ah, Catson. There you are.

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I wanted to check something with you.

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-My life's brilliant, isn't it?

-Sir.

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Yes. I thought so.

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I mean, I am the cat with the biggest house in the land.

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You're the ONLY cat with a house in all the land.

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I can't help it if no other moggies have been left

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a stinking great mansion after their owners have croaked it.

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Now, time for my morning wash.

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Mmm. There we are. Nice and clean.

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-Ugh!

-Something wrong, sir?

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Who's done that?

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And all over my favourite antique scratch mat!

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I did. And I enjoyed it immensely.

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Hmmmm... Countess Tiddles.

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I've run out of milk, so I thought I'd come over for some lunch.

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Well, lunch isn't served for another hour.

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Lunch is served, sir.

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Well done, Catson.

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(I despise that woman.)

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What is this creation?

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Chunky meat in gravy, madam.

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From a pouch.

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Oh. Indeed.

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CATSON CHOKES Breathe, Catson.

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I can't lose you!

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I don't know how to do the washing up. Here!

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THUMP!

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Ah! Thank goodness. It was only a furball.

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Oh. A fancy truffle.

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Take the day off, Catson.

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Climb the curtains if you like.

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Next time on Downton Moggy, Lord Meowtham gets stuck up a tree.

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Meow!

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And Catson gets worms.

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Stunned into silence, eh, Mr Choosy?

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Tell me straight. What did you really think?

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SLAPSTICK MUSIC PLAYS

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POP!

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I'll take that as a "Five stars! Let's see more."

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You're in luck, Mr Choosy.

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You're watching Diddy TV.

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Well, you've got the telly on this channel, anyway.

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How am I supposed to know if you're actually watching it?

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Hello, and welcome to...

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Diddypops! Yes.

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At number one in the Diddy Charts, for 19 weeks running,

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it's "Yo! Mr Bully"

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# Here we go, here we go, here we go

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# If your idea of fun

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# Is giving a dead leg to a geek

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# You probably think you're super cool

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# But really you're just weak

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# Your mates, if you can call them that,

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# Will laugh at all you do

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# But they just follow you around cos they're as scared as you

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# Yo! Mr Bully

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# You think you're big and brave

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# But you're simply a Neanderthal

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# So get back to your cave

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# Yo! Mr Bully

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# You think you're big and brave

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# But you're simply a Neanderthal

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# So get back to your cave

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# You like spreading misery

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# You can't be arithmetic

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# Or you'd have calculated that you're totally pathetic

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# And here's a final word to the wise

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# You sad old lump of dross

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# The person that you're bullying may one day be your boss

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# Yo! Mr Bully

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# Bully! Bully!

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# Bu-bu-bu-bu-bully!

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# Yo! Mr Bully

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# Bully! Bully!

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# Bu-bu-bu-bu-bully!

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# Yo! Mr Bully

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# You think you're big and brave

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# But you're simply a Neanderthal

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# So get back to your cave

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# Yo! Mr Bully

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# You think you're big and brave

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# But you're simply a Neanderthal

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# So get back to your cave

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# Yo! # APPLAUSE

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Day 1,469 in the Diddy Brother house, and...

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BIFF! WHACK! THUMP!

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-SIGH

-Ow!

-Ow!

-Ow!

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Just look at them. WHACK! THUD! POW!

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-Ow!

-Ow!

-Ow!

-'This is Diddy Brother.

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Would Susan please come to the Diary Room.'

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Oh, me! How exciting! Ha-ha!

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-WHACK! THUMP! THUD!

-Ow!

-Ow!

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-Hello, Susan.

-Hello, Diddy Brother.

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Thanks for inviting me to the Diary Room.

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I've got so much, today's been such a crazy day!

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So this morning I woke up at 7:45, which is strange for me,

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-because I normally wake up at 7:42.

-DIDDY BROTHER SIGHS

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Anyway, it was a good thing,

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because otherwise I'd have missed the shadow on the wall.

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It looked just like my Auntie Sandra's wonky toenail.

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-You know the one she scares cats with?

-Uh, no. No, I don't know,

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I've never met your Auntie Sandra. I mean, why...

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..up and down, and 17 times left and right. Like this!

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Yes, could you... please, stop doing that, please.

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Yeah, could you stop doing that, Susan, please?

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Oh, and then I went to have a cup of tea in my "You don't have to

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"be mad to live here, but it helps" mug.

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-Hee-hee. Because it was a Tuesday.

-O-o-o-o-o-oh.

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-Or was it a Wednesday?

-Please, stop. Stop.

-Oh, Wednesday -

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-that's a funny word, isn't it?

-Please, stop it. Make it stop!

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-Not as funny as Thursday, though.

-Oh, shut up. Please, just shut up,

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-shut up, shut up!

-Thurs-day. Thurs-day. Ha-ha-ha!

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Can Susan please leave the Diary Room, NOW, please?

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And it was lunch and I wanted baked beans,

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-but we only had spaghetti hoops.

-Susan!

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Could you now leave the Diary Room, PLEASE?!

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The ring pull broke and the spaghetti hoops were trapped.

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Uuuuuuugh! Will you LEAVE the Diary Room, PLEASE? NOW!

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-WHACK! WHACK!

-Oi!

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Get out! Get out! Get out! WHACK! WHACK!

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-Oi!

-OUT! WHACK!

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-Aaaaargh!

-CRASH!

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And...stay...OUT!

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Just between you and me, did you enjoy that?

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SLAPSTICK MUSIC PLAYS

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POP!

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Well, if you enjoyed that, and I'm taking that as enjoyment, coming

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up next I've got something that'll really make you blow your top.

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Again.

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Now, it's Diddy Roadshow, here at the home of turning literally

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any old junk into a TV format.

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Hello, and welcome to this week's Diddy Roadshow.

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And have we got some treasures to show you today.

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And so to our first objet...

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..of the day.

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-Dragon and Lotus?

-Don't care.

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Never liked it anyway.

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Join us next week when we'll be looking at more expensive tat.

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And coming up now on Diddy TV,

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it's time for Surprise Surprise Surprise Surprise Surprise.

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Surprise Surprise Surprise Surprise Surpise!

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Surpise! Surprise! Surprise!

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BOTH: Hello!

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And welcome. I'm Holly Willoug-B.

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And I'm Holly Willough-A.

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And welcome to Surprise Surprise Surprise Surprise Surprise!

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This show is full of surprises!

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Reeeeeeeally?

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I know! Who'd have thought?

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Someone in our studio audience is about to get

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the shock of their lives! AUDIENCE: Oooooooh!

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APPLAUSE

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Are you there, Ethel Wilson?

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Ethel!

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Last year, you entered a competition

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and won a lovely new car, didn't you?

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AUDIENCE: Oooooooooh!

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Well, Ethel... Surpriiiiiise! Hee-hee!

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Because there was an administrative error and you shouldn't have

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won, which means we're going to take the car back.

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Oh.

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AUDIENCE: Aaaaaaaaah.

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It's pretty bad.

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Enough to make anyone cry.

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Well, come on, then!

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If we were you, we'd have a good blub!

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No, I'm OK, thanks.

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-Ooooh.

-O-o-o-oh.

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-Playing hardball, this one.

-Yeah.

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All right, Ethel. Surpriiiiiise!

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-You've got nits!

-Argh!

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-Ooh! Eek!

-CHEERING AND LAUGHTER

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And surprise!

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We're going to reunite you with a cheeseburger that you

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left in the bin three years ago.

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SPLAT! AUDIENCE: Ohhh!

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And, surpriiiiiiiiise!

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In a few seconds,

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your lovely new house will be crushed by a falling asteroid!

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-What?!

-WHOOSH!

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BOOM!

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Heh-heh-heh.

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Do you find any of that at all...

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Upsetting?

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-SHE SOBS Aaaaaw!

-Aaaaaaw!

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I'm touched.

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-I wasn't expecting that.

-Neither was I.

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THEIR WORDS BECOME SQUEAKS

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See you next week for more...

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Surpriiiiiiiiise Surprise Surprise Surprise....

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SURPRISE!

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And if you'd like to join the show's legal team,

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all we need is your house as collateral.

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You big on surprises, Mr Choosy?

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SLAPSTICK MUSIC PLAYS

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POP!

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Oh! Heh-heh. Surprise!

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Brilliant. Gets me every time.

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Hey! Do you want a job on the show, Mr Choosy?

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Mr Choosy?

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I'll let you think about it.

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One final surprise, for me anyway,

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is that we still haven't had a full public inquiry about any of this.

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Goodbye.

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# Diddy TV! Diddy TV! Channel 6597423

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# A brand-new rival for the BBC

0:13:440:13:47

# It's Diddy Dick and Dom's Diddy TV! #

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# Diddy Dick and Dom's Diddy TV! #

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