Watch More TV Diddy TV
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Transcript
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|---|---|---|---|
# Larry Weinsteinberger, the Diddy Movies' boss | 0:00:02 | 0:00:04 | |
# His last few films have flopped with catastrophic money loss | 0:00:04 | 0:00:07 | |
# So, he's ditching Diddy Movies for the thrill of television | 0:00:07 | 0:00:10 | |
# The small screen is the future for those with any vision | 0:00:10 | 0:00:13 | |
# With Larry's bottom dollar he's launched a TV station | 0:00:13 | 0:00:16 | |
# Packed with creativity, style and innovation | 0:00:16 | 0:00:20 | |
# Diddy TV! Diddy TV! | 0:00:20 | 0:00:23 | |
# Channel 6597423 | 0:00:23 | 0:00:26 | |
# A brand-new rival for the BBC | 0:00:26 | 0:00:30 | |
# It's Diddy Dick and Dom's Diddy TV! # | 0:00:30 | 0:00:35 | |
Welcome to Diddy TV, the only TV channel in the world | 0:00:35 | 0:00:38 | |
where the complaints outnumber the viewers. Hmm! | 0:00:38 | 0:00:41 | |
-The Great British... -Flake... -Flake Off! | 0:00:44 | 0:00:47 | |
-Hello! -Hello! -Hello! | 0:00:47 | 0:00:51 | |
Hello, and welcome to The Great British Flake Off. | 0:00:51 | 0:00:54 | |
-This week's challenge is to.. -Flake off! | 0:00:54 | 0:00:56 | |
..as much skin as you can in just 30 seconds. | 0:00:56 | 0:00:59 | |
-So, who are our impressive itching individuals? -Yes. | 0:00:59 | 0:01:03 | |
-Our scratching showdown superstars? -Exactly. | 0:01:03 | 0:01:05 | |
-Who owns Britain's fastest flaking fingers? -Enough. | 0:01:05 | 0:01:08 | |
-And who has some of this country's niftiest nails? -I SAID ENOUGH! | 0:01:08 | 0:01:12 | |
Let's meet them. | 0:01:16 | 0:01:17 | |
I've got flakier skin than a snake with allergies. | 0:01:19 | 0:01:22 | |
I just want to make my kids proud! | 0:01:24 | 0:01:27 | |
Have we started yet? | 0:01:27 | 0:01:30 | |
HE LAUGHS | 0:01:30 | 0:01:31 | |
-So, I hope you are all up to scratch. -Not again. | 0:01:31 | 0:01:35 | |
Don't try and anything "rash"... | 0:01:35 | 0:01:37 | |
Because it's all going to get "skin-teresting". | 0:01:37 | 0:01:40 | |
-Interesting. -Skin-teresting. | 0:01:40 | 0:01:41 | |
-Interesting. -Yeah, but skin-teresting. -Ready... | 0:01:41 | 0:01:44 | |
Steady... BOTH: Flake off! | 0:01:44 | 0:01:46 | |
Today is all about the flake. | 0:01:48 | 0:01:51 | |
Our contestants have just 30 seconds to scratch | 0:01:51 | 0:01:55 | |
and itch themselves a mound of flakes that we can all be proud of. | 0:01:55 | 0:02:00 | |
And a little bit disgusted by. | 0:02:00 | 0:02:02 | |
HAIRDRYER BLOWS | 0:02:06 | 0:02:08 | |
Oh, yes, impressive, Dave. Very impressive. | 0:02:08 | 0:02:11 | |
A bit of fine-tuning needs to be done there, Dave. | 0:02:13 | 0:02:16 | |
MUSIC PLAYS | 0:02:18 | 0:02:20 | |
Banging tunes, Edith. | 0:02:20 | 0:02:22 | |
I like scratching to music. | 0:02:22 | 0:02:25 | |
MUSIC GETS FASTER AND FASTER | 0:02:28 | 0:02:35 | |
EXPLOSION | 0:02:35 | 0:02:36 | |
Oops! Five seconds left! | 0:02:36 | 0:02:40 | |
So, the scratching's done and the flaking's over, | 0:02:40 | 0:02:43 | |
but who will "scrape" through to the final? | 0:02:43 | 0:02:45 | |
I said enough! | 0:02:45 | 0:02:46 | |
Limp. | 0:02:48 | 0:02:49 | |
You've clumped your flakes. | 0:02:49 | 0:02:51 | |
-Yes, you have. -Oh. | 0:02:51 | 0:02:52 | |
-Oh, dear. This isn't a game, Edith. -Yes, you forgot to baste. | 0:02:59 | 0:03:04 | |
Oh, crisp and golden. It's just how I like them. | 0:03:08 | 0:03:12 | |
Absolute genius. | 0:03:12 | 0:03:14 | |
-Yeah. -Wonderfully done. -Great effort, that. | 0:03:14 | 0:03:16 | |
We have a winner! | 0:03:16 | 0:03:18 | |
And for the losers, it's time for the flake off! | 0:03:18 | 0:03:22 | |
THEY SCREAM | 0:03:25 | 0:03:27 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:03:27 | 0:03:29 | |
-Goodbye. -Goodbye. -BOTH: Goodbye. | 0:03:29 | 0:03:32 | |
-Shut up! -Goodbye, goodbye. -Shut up! -Goodbye. | 0:03:32 | 0:03:36 | |
-Goodbye. -Sh-u-u-ut u-u-up! | 0:03:36 | 0:03:39 | |
Do you need insurance? | 0:03:40 | 0:03:42 | |
Worried you're just too stupid to qualify? | 0:03:44 | 0:03:48 | |
Well, Idiot Insurance is here to the rescue. | 0:03:48 | 0:03:51 | |
Even if you've already been injured as a result of complete idiocy, | 0:03:53 | 0:03:57 | |
we'll still insure you. | 0:03:57 | 0:03:59 | |
And we'll still insure you, even if you're injured at work. | 0:04:06 | 0:04:10 | |
Idiot insurance - giving cash to thickos everywhere. | 0:04:18 | 0:04:22 | |
Hello, boys and girls. | 0:04:29 | 0:04:31 | |
Would you would like another lovely story from Uncle Dickie? | 0:04:31 | 0:04:35 | |
Uncle Dickie? When did that happen? | 0:04:35 | 0:04:37 | |
-Shut up! And read the book. -I can't shut up AND read it. | 0:04:37 | 0:04:40 | |
Look, do you want me to show everybody the picture of you | 0:04:40 | 0:04:43 | |
having your nappy changed | 0:04:43 | 0:04:44 | |
from last week? | 0:04:44 | 0:04:46 | |
Hello, boys and girls. Why don't I read you the story of... | 0:04:48 | 0:04:51 | |
..the big red bucket. | 0:04:53 | 0:04:55 | |
Who writes this rubbish? | 0:04:55 | 0:04:57 | |
-Ah-ah... -All right, I'm doing it, I'm doing it. | 0:04:57 | 0:05:00 | |
Once upon a time, there was a very stupid, | 0:05:00 | 0:05:03 | |
very ugly man called Uncle Dickie. | 0:05:03 | 0:05:06 | |
He sat on a colourful cushion, in a TV studio, | 0:05:07 | 0:05:12 | |
reading a story from the big book... | 0:05:12 | 0:05:15 | |
All right, what's going on here? Dom? | 0:05:15 | 0:05:17 | |
Diddy Dom? | 0:05:17 | 0:05:19 | |
Dom? | 0:05:19 | 0:05:20 | |
Uncle Dick thought he was all alone in the deserted studio, | 0:05:23 | 0:05:28 | |
but as he read from the haunted book, | 0:05:28 | 0:05:31 | |
the hairs on the back of his neck stood on end... | 0:05:31 | 0:05:34 | |
I mean, seriously! | 0:05:34 | 0:05:36 | |
Who writes this? It's for kiddies. | 0:05:36 | 0:05:37 | |
You'll give them nightmares! | 0:05:37 | 0:05:39 | |
A scary goblin came creeping slowly up behind him, | 0:05:41 | 0:05:45 | |
holding a big red bucket... | 0:05:45 | 0:05:47 | |
This is getting really freaky... | 0:05:49 | 0:05:53 | |
said Uncle Dick, as he turned the page. | 0:05:53 | 0:05:56 | |
ARGH! | 0:05:56 | 0:05:58 | |
HE PARPS | 0:05:58 | 0:05:59 | |
Think I might need my nappy changing again. | 0:05:59 | 0:06:02 | |
Uncle Dick knew he had no choice | 0:06:04 | 0:06:07 | |
but to keep reading as, very slowly, | 0:06:07 | 0:06:09 | |
the scary goblin lifted | 0:06:09 | 0:06:11 | |
the big red bucket, | 0:06:11 | 0:06:13 | |
full of rancid onion gravy | 0:06:13 | 0:06:16 | |
and tipped it | 0:06:16 | 0:06:17 | |
all over Uncle Dick, | 0:06:17 | 0:06:19 | |
who promised never again to mess about | 0:06:19 | 0:06:22 | |
when he was reading a lovely story to the nice boys and girls at home. | 0:06:22 | 0:06:26 | |
Who wrote this? | 0:06:26 | 0:06:28 | |
The Big Red Bucket, by Diddy Dom. | 0:06:28 | 0:06:30 | |
I should have known! | 0:06:30 | 0:06:32 | |
Night-night, boys and girls. | 0:06:33 | 0:06:37 | |
Sweet dreams. | 0:06:37 | 0:06:38 | |
Argh! | 0:06:38 | 0:06:40 | |
Larry, I believe you brought me here under false pretences. | 0:06:43 | 0:06:46 | |
Have I, Mr Stockholm? Why do you say that? | 0:06:46 | 0:06:49 | |
You said you were throwing a party. | 0:06:49 | 0:06:51 | |
-I am. A television party. -Really? | 0:06:51 | 0:06:54 | |
Yeah, a party where you sit and watch telly. | 0:06:54 | 0:06:56 | |
Diddy TV? | 0:06:56 | 0:06:58 | |
-He asked with a due sense of weariness. -Naturally. | 0:06:58 | 0:07:01 | |
Are there going to be any other people at this party? | 0:07:01 | 0:07:04 | |
-All of my friends will be here. -So, no, then. | 0:07:04 | 0:07:07 | |
All of my friends from Diddy TV. | 0:07:07 | 0:07:09 | |
Hi, friends! | 0:07:09 | 0:07:12 | |
They love me. | 0:07:12 | 0:07:14 | |
And just a reminder that if you'd like to complain about | 0:07:14 | 0:07:17 | |
anything on Diddy TV - back of the queue. | 0:07:17 | 0:07:19 | |
Hello and welcome to Diddypops! | 0:07:23 | 0:07:27 | |
Here with this week's number one, | 0:07:27 | 0:07:29 | |
please whoop and cheer for Diddy Dick and Dom and the Diddyettes! | 0:07:29 | 0:07:34 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:07:34 | 0:07:35 | |
# Forget what you heard Ignore the fuss | 0:07:35 | 0:07:38 | |
# We're the experts Listen to us | 0:07:38 | 0:07:41 | |
# It's now been proved Yes, it's official | 0:07:41 | 0:07:44 | |
# Watching TV is beneficial | 0:07:44 | 0:07:47 | |
# Who would want to be well read? | 0:07:47 | 0:07:49 | |
# Why study things you can watch instead? | 0:07:49 | 0:07:52 | |
# So sell your books and do like me | 0:07:52 | 0:07:55 | |
# And buy yourself a colossal TV | 0:07:55 | 0:07:58 | |
# Watch more TV Enjoy yourself | 0:07:58 | 0:08:01 | |
# Watch more TV You need nothing else | 0:08:01 | 0:08:03 | |
# Watch more TV till your eyes are square | 0:08:03 | 0:08:06 | |
# It's all repeats but we don't care | 0:08:06 | 0:08:09 | |
# Exercise is a waste of time | 0:08:09 | 0:08:12 | |
# All that effort for a thin waistline | 0:08:12 | 0:08:15 | |
# Settle down with a cup of tea | 0:08:15 | 0:08:18 | |
# And watch another show on Diddy TV | 0:08:18 | 0:08:21 | |
# Go outdoors? You must be kidding | 0:08:21 | 0:08:23 | |
# I'm watching daytime bargain bidding | 0:08:23 | 0:08:26 | |
# All that pollen tickles my nose | 0:08:26 | 0:08:29 | |
# And makes me miss my favourite shows | 0:08:29 | 0:08:32 | |
# Watch more TV Enjoy yourself | 0:08:32 | 0:08:34 | |
# Watch more TV You need nothing else | 0:08:34 | 0:08:37 | |
# Watch more TV till your eyes are square | 0:08:37 | 0:08:40 | |
# It's all repeats but we don't care | 0:08:40 | 0:08:43 | |
# I really can't make up my mind on the best invention from mankind | 0:08:43 | 0:08:49 | |
# Tablet phone or smart TV | 0:08:49 | 0:08:51 | |
# So I've used all three simultaneously | 0:08:51 | 0:08:55 | |
# Adventure's part of my daily routine | 0:08:55 | 0:08:57 | |
# I've travelled the world on a plasma screen | 0:08:57 | 0:09:00 | |
# No need for a Panama hat or flannels | 0:09:00 | 0:09:03 | |
# I've got 40,000 channels | 0:09:03 | 0:09:06 | |
# Watch more TV Enjoy yourself | 0:09:06 | 0:09:08 | |
# Watch more TV You need nothing else | 0:09:08 | 0:09:11 | |
# Watch more TV till your eyes are square | 0:09:11 | 0:09:14 | |
# It's all repeats but we don't care! # | 0:09:14 | 0:09:17 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:09:19 | 0:09:20 | |
No, we don't care. | 0:09:20 | 0:09:22 | |
And to prove it, Chompit. | 0:09:22 | 0:09:24 | |
It's Chompit! | 0:09:24 | 0:09:27 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:09:27 | 0:09:29 | |
Hello, and welcome to Chompit. | 0:09:31 | 0:09:33 | |
The game of skill and cunning, where our contestants can win | 0:09:33 | 0:09:36 | |
a fabulous holiday and a cash jackpot of up to £20,000. | 0:09:36 | 0:09:42 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:09:42 | 0:09:44 | |
So, as ever, our contestants have to move fruit from forehead | 0:09:44 | 0:09:48 | |
into their belly boxes without using their hands. | 0:09:48 | 0:09:51 | |
Drop more than one slice, though, and you'll gets spanged. | 0:09:51 | 0:09:54 | |
WHACK! | 0:09:54 | 0:09:55 | |
CROWD: Ooooh! | 0:09:55 | 0:09:56 | |
The first to taste monkey pudding wins. | 0:09:56 | 0:09:59 | |
So, let's play Chompit! | 0:09:59 | 0:10:02 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:10:02 | 0:10:03 | |
THEY GRUNT | 0:10:05 | 0:10:08 | |
BUZZER | 0:10:08 | 0:10:09 | |
CROWD GROAN | 0:10:09 | 0:10:10 | |
Oh, that's got to hurt. | 0:10:10 | 0:10:11 | |
CROWD GROAN | 0:10:12 | 0:10:15 | |
BELL | 0:10:17 | 0:10:18 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:10:18 | 0:10:19 | |
Get in! | 0:10:19 | 0:10:20 | |
Get in! | 0:10:23 | 0:10:24 | |
SOUND FADES | 0:10:26 | 0:10:28 | |
Hello? | 0:10:28 | 0:10:29 | |
HE WAILS | 0:10:30 | 0:10:31 | |
HE WHISTLES | 0:10:33 | 0:10:36 | |
LARRY LAUGHS | 0:10:36 | 0:10:39 | |
You wanted a party? That was a party, Mr Stockholm. | 0:10:41 | 0:10:44 | |
A party for your eyes. | 0:10:44 | 0:10:47 | |
They certainly feel like they've been dancing all night, but it's | 0:10:47 | 0:10:49 | |
not what I'd call a proper party. | 0:10:49 | 0:10:51 | |
You've got no streamers, no disco lights, no balloons! | 0:10:51 | 0:10:54 | |
Let me stop you right there. | 0:10:54 | 0:10:56 | |
Oh! Oh! A balloon! Balloon! | 0:10:57 | 0:10:59 | |
-What did you do that for? -You were enjoying it too much. | 0:11:01 | 0:11:04 | |
The real party's on the telly! | 0:11:04 | 0:11:06 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:11:09 | 0:11:12 | |
Yes, it's Saturday night and time for Strictly Come Booby Trapped. | 0:11:12 | 0:11:18 | |
Please welcome Anton Diddybug and Diddylotte, | 0:11:18 | 0:11:23 | |
dancing the waltz | 0:11:23 | 0:11:25 | |
with booby traps. | 0:11:25 | 0:11:27 | |
Hold on. Did he just say... | 0:11:27 | 0:11:29 | |
WALTZ MUSIC | 0:11:29 | 0:11:34 | |
BANG | 0:11:37 | 0:11:38 | |
CRASHING | 0:11:43 | 0:11:45 | |
EXPLOSION | 0:11:46 | 0:11:48 | |
WALTZ MUSIC CONTINUES | 0:11:48 | 0:11:54 | |
CRASHING | 0:11:58 | 0:12:00 | |
HE SCREAMS | 0:12:00 | 0:12:01 | |
Diddylotte, Diddylotte, help! | 0:12:01 | 0:12:05 | |
Judges, your scores. | 0:12:05 | 0:12:07 | |
What do the judges think? Did we do OK? | 0:12:07 | 0:12:10 | |
Len, Len, half-past ten? | 0:12:10 | 0:12:11 | |
Well, for me it was a bit flat, mainly between Anton's hips | 0:12:11 | 0:12:15 | |
and his neck, so, in my bag of tricks, it's a six. | 0:12:15 | 0:12:19 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:12:19 | 0:12:20 | |
Craig Bag-of-Revels? | 0:12:20 | 0:12:22 | |
Anton, darling, I didn't believe that scream for a second. | 0:12:22 | 0:12:25 | |
It should've been more like... | 0:12:25 | 0:12:27 | |
HE SCREAMS | 0:12:27 | 0:12:31 | |
Four. | 0:12:31 | 0:12:32 | |
CROWD BOOS | 0:12:32 | 0:12:35 | |
Diddy Bussell. | 0:12:35 | 0:12:37 | |
Rubbish! | 0:12:37 | 0:12:39 | |
And Bruno Ravioli. | 0:12:40 | 0:12:42 | |
Darlings, the way the shoe squashed you like a sandwich... | 0:12:42 | 0:12:48 | |
It was sheer poetry! | 0:12:49 | 0:12:51 | |
3,000. You're coming back next week. | 0:12:51 | 0:12:54 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:12:54 | 0:12:57 | |
Easy, Diddylotte, you don't want... | 0:12:57 | 0:13:00 | |
SHE SCREAMS | 0:13:00 | 0:13:02 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:13:02 | 0:13:03 | |
Diddylotte? | 0:13:03 | 0:13:06 | |
Join us next time for more Strictly Come Booby Trapped. | 0:13:06 | 0:13:10 | |
Does anyone know the tango? | 0:13:10 | 0:13:12 | |
I'm sorry my party wasn't all you hoped it would be, Mr Stockholm. | 0:13:16 | 0:13:20 | |
You could hardly call it a party. You could hardly call it a "puh". | 0:13:20 | 0:13:23 | |
Well, it's all over now. | 0:13:23 | 0:13:25 | |
Daddy TV is off the air for another day. | 0:13:25 | 0:13:28 | |
Oh, that's something to celebrate! | 0:13:31 | 0:13:33 | |
THEY CHEER | 0:13:33 | 0:13:35 | |
Balloons! | 0:13:35 | 0:13:36 | |
Yes, indeed. Street parties for all, | 0:13:36 | 0:13:38 | |
as Diddy TV runs out of cash for another day. | 0:13:38 | 0:13:41 | |
Goodbyeee! | 0:13:41 | 0:13:43 | |
# Diddy TV! Diddy TV! | 0:13:44 | 0:13:47 | |
# Channel 6597423 | 0:13:47 | 0:13:49 | |
# A brand-new rival for the BBC | 0:13:49 | 0:13:52 | |
# It's Diddy Dick and Dom's Diddy TV | 0:13:52 | 0:13:56 | |
# Diddy Dick and Dom's Diddy TV! # | 0:14:00 | 0:14:03 |