Don't Be Naughty Diddy TV

# Larry Weinsteinberger, the Diddy Movies' boss

# His last few films have flopped with catastrophic money loss

# So, he's ditching Diddy Movies for the thrill of television

# The small screen is the future for those with any vision

# With Larry's bottom dollar He's launched a TV station

# Packed with creativity, style and innovation

# Diddy TV! Diddy TV! Channel 6597423

# A brand-new rival for the BBC

# It's Diddy Dick and Dom's Diddy TV! #

We've got a top line-up of entertainment for you

here on Diddy TV.

First, Diddy Brother.

Day 999 in the Diddy Brother house, and facing eviction tonight -

Diddy Dick, Diddy Dom,

Susan, you know, that one,

and this bloke.

Hello, contestants. This is Diddy Brother. The results are in.

It's time to find out who is leaving the Diddy Brother house.

Psst. It could be him, whatever his name is.

Um, Heathcliff Aloysius Hercules

November Spartacus Potplant Undercrackers Rochester.

I mean, could it be any simpler?

SHE LAUGHS

Ooh, hope it's not me.

Hope it is you. You just giggle all the time, even when you're angry.

How dare you?

SHE LAUGHS

See?

Look, would you all just be quiet for one second and let me tell you?

I mean, really. The contestant leaving tonight is...

-It's him.

-Well, it's not me, that's for sure. I think it's you.

THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER

Oh, that is it! It's all of you. You're all evicted.

-What?

-What did we do?

Being incessantly annoying.

-I can't bear the sight or sound of any of you any more.

-How rude!

SHE LAUGHS

Hang on, what about me? I mean, I haven't done anything!

Oh, shut up, Heathcliff Aloysius Hercules November Spartacus

Potplant Undercrackers Rochester.

You all have five seconds to leave the Diddy Brother house.

-Or what?

-Or this!

EXPLOSION

And from horror to mystery.

Aha. The doors and the windows were locked.

-And you were the only person in the room when he died.

-Yep.

-It's a mystery.

-Well, not really, it's quite obvious...

-Shut up!

I'm thinking. I'm trained to do this, you know.

Well, you're not trained very well, are you?

The mystery is, how did the murderer get out of the room?

-Well, maybe he didn't even leave the room.

-What?

You think they're still in here, hiding?

-Well, he's not hiding, is he?

-We need to find the murder weapon.

-It's here.

-Hmm. If we can trace the owner, then we'll find the criminal.

-It is mine.

-It'll be covered in fingerprints.

-They are mine.

-I need a list of suspects.

-Look!

There's been a spree of murders all over this village.

You and me are the only ones who're still alive.

You didn't do it, so...?

You think I could have done it? And a super villain wiped my memory?

Right, let me give you a clue.

-Clonk!

-Ah-oh!

-Could you make that clue any clearer?

-Yes.

It. Clonk! Was. Wallop! Me. Whack!

-Next week on That Stupid Detective Show...

-What do you mean, next week?

We can't draw this out for another week.

Actually, we've got another 12 episodes...

-Right, that's it, I'm going...

-So, next week on That... What?

No, that door's supposed to be locked. Wait. No! My scripts... Oh!

-Wallop! Bang!

-Uh.

I've just been clonking the voice-over man over the head.

HE GASPS

A second mystery.

I give up. Ka-pow.

It's lovely having you here, Stampy. Can I call you Stampy?

-It's the name may mother gave me.

-Really?

-Yep.

-Then, what about Longnose?

-Well, that name just runs in the family.

HE LAUGHS

Do you get it? Runs in the family? Longnose...?

-No?

-Probably works better on the internet.

Here. What do you think my internet name should he?

Um... Shouty Flabby-face?

Ohhh...

I love it!

Ah!

# Won't you take me to funky town? #

CEILIDH MUSIC

SAXOPHONE MUSIC

Now, your chance to try out some ear defenders, because it's DiddyPops.

Hello, and welcome to DiddyPops. Here is this week's number one.

Please whoop and cheer for Diddy Dick and Dom and the Diddiettes.

# Well, it's rather out of vogue to be a double dealing rogue

# So I hope your bad behaviour's just a phase

# I'll carry out my threat to put you on the naughty step

# Until you see the error of your ways

# Scallywags and scoundrels Charlatans and cheats

# Reprobates and rogues Masters of deceit

# All you troublemakers take some good advice.

# Don't be naughty cos it isn't very nice.

# Don't hide your sister's skipping rope or sprinkle chilli on her soap

# Because you think it is a bit of fun

# It really isn't fair to cut your little brother's hair

# Without permission from your mum

# Don't tie your teacher's laces if they fall asleep in class

# Although it might seem like a golden chance

# Cos following a wobble and a catastrophic topple,

# You'll probably have to call an ambulance

# Scallywags and scoundrels Charlatans and cheats

# Reprobates and rogues Masters of deceit

# All you troublemakers Take some good advice

# Don't be naughty Try being nice

# Scallywags and scoundrels Charlatans and cheats

# Reprobates and rogues Masters of deceit

# All you troublemakers Take some good advice.

# Don't be naughty cos it isn't very nice. #

I'd like two consonants, a vowel, a box of chocolates,

two tickets to a theme park, and a new job.

COUNTDOWN MUSIC PLAYS

Hello. I'm Nick Fewer, and welcome to another edition of Diddydown.

Joining us this week are Diddy Dick and Diddy Dom.

So, um, Diddy Dom, if you'd like to kick us off?

-Hello, Rachel.

-What?

-Vowel, vowel, vowel, vowel, vowel, vowel, vowel.

Vowel.

Your 30 seconds start now.

END OF ROUND MUSIC

Right, so. Diddy Dick, what have you got?

-Nine.

-Nine.

And Diddy Dom?

Nine.

HE SIGHS

Of course you have. So, Diddy Dick, your nine?

Ooauioeii.

Which means what, exactly?

Sound a ghost makes. You know,

when he's run out of cheesecake!

Of course it does.

And, Dick, your nine?

Ooiauioei.

It's the sound Nick Fewer makes when he's angry.

-No, it isn't.

-Yes, it is.

No it isn't.

-Is, is, is!

-Oi, oi, oi! Oi, oi, ya, ya!

Oi, oi, oi, ya, ya! Oi, oi, oi, ya! Oi, ya, ya!

# Oi, ya, ya, oi, ya, ya Oi, ya, yang, gi, yang gi ya...

# Oi ya ya, Oi, ya ya Doo doo doo doo doo doo

# Oi, ya, ya, oi, ya, ya Oi ya, yang, gi, yang, gi, ya

# Oi, ya, ya, oi, ya, ya Oi, ya, yang, gi, yang, gi, ya...

# Ba ba ba ba Ba ba ba ba...

# Oi ya, oi ya Oi ya, yang, gi, yang gi ya...#

Ridiculous. I've never heard of that word.

Sure you have, Stampy. I've heard you use it all the time.

No, I don't!

-Imagine a world without the Internet!

-Ooauioeeii...

-Online games...

-Ooauioeeii...

Me on a trampoline.

Ooauio...OK, OK, I get it. It's a word. You can stop now.

You should go on Diddydown, Stampy. You'd be good.

-Ooauioeeii...

-Stop showing off.

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HE PARPS

Surprise, surprise, surprise, surprise,

surprise, surprise, surprise!

surprise, surprise!

SURPRISE!

-Hello! I'm Holly Willough-bee!

-And I'm Holly Willough-A!

And welcome to Surprise, Surprise Surprise, Surprise, Surprise.

Yes, someone in the audience is about to get

the shock of their lives.

There could be tears.

BOTH: There better be!

Where are you, Roy Foot?

APPLAUSE

Roy!

Last year, your dream was to meet your favourite movie actor,

Robert Diddyson, wasn't it?

AUDIENCE: Woo!

Well, Roy, surprise! Cos that wasn't really him!

LAUGHTER

Oh, you didn't actually meet your idol at all,

it was just a lookalike!

How do you feel about that?

Well, bit disappointed, I suppose.

AUDIENCE: Aww...

Disappointed? In a tearful way?

Ha! No, no, no. I don't cry at anything.

-Oh.

-Mmph!

-Well, we'll see about that.

-Grr!

Roy, surprise, surprise! Your house has just been broken in

and someone's changed your Wi-Fi password!

Well, that's all right. I've got internet on my phone.

-And Roy, surprise!

-Surprise!

-I've got a really nasty rash

on my arm that you've definitely just caught!

-AUDIENCE: Oh, no!

-I've had worse.

And, surprise! This priceless antique vase of yours

is here in the studio.

AUDIENCE: Aww!

And I just accidentally broke it.

LAUGHTER

Would you say that you find any of that...

BOTH: UPSETTING?

That's...That's not my vase.

And Roy, you think you're so happy!

But what if I was to say there's a banana at the bottom

of your bag that had been there for weeks?

No! You wouldn't!

SQUELCHING AND STAMPING

That's- that's brand-new!

ROY CRIES AND AUDIENCE CHEERS

Aw, look! I'm touched!

I wasn't expecting that!

Neither was I!

THEY SQUEAK UNINTELLIGIBLY

See you next time for more...

BOTH: Surprise, Surprise, SURPRISE, SURPRISE...

Now, that was emotional, eh, Stampy?

Not really. I hate surprises.

Oh, come on! Everybody loves surprises!

Not me.

Oh, well in that case, you may want to lean to one side.

Um, why?

Because Shouty Flabby Face says so! NOW!

SQUELCH

Aww! Surprise.

-Now that's one I do like. Ha-ha!

-Oh...

Well that's all for today, so let's box it up, ship it out to sea

and give it the watery ending it would have wanted.

Goodbye!

# Diddy TV, Diddy TV

# Channel 6597423

# A brand-new rival for the BBC

# It's Diddy Dick and Dom's Diddy TV!

# Diddy Dick and Dom's Diddy TV! #