Starry Pies Diddy TV

# Larry Weinsteinberger, the Diddy Movies' boss

# His last few films have flopped with catastrophic money loss

# So, he's ditching Diddy Movies for the thrill of television

# The small screen is the future for those with any vision

# With Larry's bottom dollar He's launched a TV station

# Packed with creativity, style and innovation

# Diddy TV! Diddy TV! Channel 6597423

# A brand-new rival for the BBC

# It's Diddy Dick and Dom's Diddy TV! #

Hello, welcome to Diddy TV.

I played Hamlet in the West End and got rave reviews.

Here's You've Been Stupid.

Yes, it's You've Been Stupid.

The show that proves people do the dumbest things

and luckily for me and my agent, capture them on camera.

Let's roll the first clip.

There's only one thing this man shouldn't do

and that's go near the water, so will he be smart?

Ha-ha, forget it!

WATER SPLASHES

Ha! Enjoy your swim inside a shark!

This guy is ready to hit the treadmill, but hang on,

he's not thinking of jumping on while it is going?

Now you can run through that big hole in your house!

"Stay off the grass", says the sign

so the best thing is - duh - stay off!

This joker thinks he's exempt from all the rules.

Yeah? Well, take that, and that, and that,

you pasty-faced ping pong bat!

Next time, we will have a man riding a skateboard over his own head.

Until then...

Here you are.

Enjoy your meal.

Don't forget to check if you are a winner.

HE GASPS AND SIRENS SOUND

I've won a wet lap!

That's right, every time you order a Silly Meal at Silly Burgers,

check your cup to see if you're a winner.

-ALL:

-We've won a wet lap!

I've won a wet lap so I'm going to mega-size it.

Yes, everyone is a winner with Silly Burgers' Wet Lap promotion.

Now available in Super Duper Mega Size.

I've won a...

Now it is time to go over live to Wire Forest

for a brand-new series of Badger Watch.

So I said to him, if you are going to go around head-butting hedgehogs,

you are going to get prickles in your head, aren't you?

Look, they are back.

-HE GASPS

-What do we do?

-Just do the thing.

-The thing?

You know, just act natural and do the thing.

Right. Ready?

MUSIC PLAYS

And next week, a skulk of foxes

play their unique fusion of dancehall reggae and Oompah.

They are so cute, aren't they, Bruno? Little stripy, furry fellas.

Who can sing, who can dance.

Yes, well, I was going to say forage for grubs and scare the cat

but, yeah, I will give you sing and dance, I suppose.

There is no suppose about it.

One of my most famous dance routines was inspired by a badger.

Did it take place down a deep, dark hole?

No, I was inspired by their movements,

the twitch of the noses, the swipe of a paw.

I call it the badger cha-cha-cha. One, two, badger-cha.

One, two, badger-cha. What do you think, Larry? Cha-cha-cha.

I think we should watch some more Diddy TV.

Fast.

DRILLS WHIR

Finally, Now That's What I Call Pneumatic Drills Volume V

has hit the shops.

Three discs of pneumatic noise

guaranteed to make your hard hat wobble.

And the ever popular...

Now That's What I Call Pneumatic Drills Volume V

has all the classic hits of recent roadwork sounds,

including some all-new sounds that won't have irritated you before.

Whatever your pleasure, Now That's What I Call Pneumatic Drills

Volume V is guaranteed to set your teeth on edge

and bring on a migraine.

Every copy comes with free safety barrier

and jacket for that authentic pneumatic drills experience.

Now That's What I Call Pneumatic Drills Volume V.

Making eardrums bleed since 1998.

You are watching Diddy TV.

So, ha!

Stars In Their Pies. APPLAUSE

Hello and welcome to Stars In Their Pies -

the show that gives members of the general public

the chance to be a star, so long as that star is...

-ALL:

-Baked in a pie!

Ooh, you're good!

And tonight's contestant is Sandra Bellingham from Basingstoke.

APPLAUSE

So, Sandra, tell us a little bit about yourself.

I collect ornamental teapots and I like shampooing my gerbil.

Ah!

Yeah, there's really nothing interesting about that at all,

-is there? But do you like stars?

-THE AUDIENCE CHEERS

-And do you like pies?

-THE AUDIENCE CHEERS

Well, you've come to the right place,

because it is time to play Stars In Their Pies.

-THE AUDIENCE CLAP AND CHEER

-Now, Sandra,

give us a clue as to which star you are going to be for us tonight.

Well, Mike, this star was born in the USA in 1993

and, like a good pie, it's all about the base.

And what about that pie?

Well, tonight, Mike, I'm going to be a pie you'd usually buy

in a fish and chip shop, if they'd run out of steak and kidney.

Well, I think we know enough, so off you go.

Tonight on Stars In Their Pies,

Sandra Bellingham from Basingstoke is going to be...

Meghan Trainor in a shortcrust chicken and mushroom pie.

# Cos you know I'm all about that BASE

# 'Bout that BASE No treble

# I'm all about that BASE 'bout that BASE

# No treble

# I'm all about that BASE 'bout that BASE

# No treble

# I'm all about that BASE 'bout that BASE

# Yeah, it's pretty clear I ain't no size two

# But I can shake it, shake it Like I'm supposed to do

# Cos I've got that boom boom that all the boys chase

# And all the right junk in all the right place

# You know I'm all about that BASE 'bout that BASE

# No treble

# I'm all about that BASE 'bout that BASE

# No treble

# I'm all about that BASE 'bout that BASE

# No treble

# I'm all about that BASE 'bout that BASE. #

THE AUDIENCE CHEER

Well, that's all we got time for this week so pie-bye.

APPLAUSE

-SHE SCREAMS

-Munchy munchy!

SHE SCREAMS AGAIN

Now for our younger viewers - Dickanory.

Hello, boys and girls, it's time for another...

What in the name of sanity?

-BOING-BOING-BOING!

-Hello, Uncle Dicky.

-Are we ready?

-Ready for what? Therapy?

-Why are you dressed as a giant rat?

-Kangaroo!

You know, like in the story.

"The Hoppy Tale of Snooty The Kangaroo."

Oh, I see, so you're Snooty, then, that figures.

Yeah, that way, I get to keep a close eye on you

and you don't ruin the story.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Once upon a time, there was a kangaroo called Snooty.

First thing every morning, Snooty the kangaroo did ten star jumps.

-What?

-BOING-BOING-BOING-BOING!

-Oi! Don't spoil it for the viewers.

-BOING-BOING-BOING-BOING!

One, two, two and a half, that one didn't count...

As he jumped,

Snooty the kangaroo sang a song all about the joys of bouncing.

Let's hear it then.

-# I like...

-Nobody said stop jumping!

# I like bouncing up and down

# In the fields and in the town

# Bouncing is such hoppy fun

# Let's get bouncing everyone! #

Ten! You did it!

-Shall we see what on the next page, Snooty?

-No.

I think it might be something about press ups.

And with that, Snooty the kangaroo exploded.

-Huh?

-LOUD BANG

It actually does say that here.

-Wow. Erm...

-HE LAUGHS

Goodnight, boys and girls.

Sweet dreams.

SALSA MUSIC

I'm getting dizzy.

And then, we will reach the climax of the dance.

Oh, that is better.

You can open your eyes now, Larry.

-Larry?

-LARRY SNORES

Lucky him. That is the best way to watch Diddy TV -

-with your eyes closed.

-LARRY SNORES

Now, is it Saturday night?

Is it? Is it? IS IT?

Yes, it is Saturday night and time for Strictly Come Booby Trapped.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Please welcome Trent Whinny and Doody Harry.

Dancing the foxtrot with booby-traps.

-Good luck.

-This is it, Trent.

FOXTROT MUSIC PLAYS

SHE SCREAMS

-What is it?

-Dropped my phone.

HE SIGHS

HOOTERS BLAST AND THEY YELL

THE AUDIENCE CLAP AND LAUGH

-Well done, darling.

-You were magnificent.

Judges, your scores.

Oh, I tell you what, your footwork there was Len-sational.

Especially as your feet got stuck to the floor with arrows.

-So straight down the line - a nine.

-THE AUDIENCE CHEERS

Craig Bag Of Revels.

I thought it was terrible, darling.

If you are going to get skewered like a cocktail sausage,

at least show me some blood.

Three.

Diddy Bussell.

SHE YELLS

And Bruno Ravioli.

Darlings, you will be in the final.

The best at being hit by poisonous arrows I have ever seen.

-Ten.

-THE AUDIENCE CHEERS

Hang on, did he say poison arrows?

-Yeah, I swear he said...

-THEY GROAN

Join us next time for more Strictly Come Booby Trapped.

STRICTLY COME DANCING THEME TUNE

You know, there was something very familiar about that, Larry.

Was there? I don't know why, Bruno, maybe it is the booby-traps.

But you have to admit, it was a little bit over the top,

-especially that Bruno character.

-Oh, dear.

-No-one would act like that in real life, would they?

-No.

Ooh, the cha-cha-cha, ooh-la-la.

It is ridiculous, it is remarkable.

It is outrageous!

Yeah, ha-ha, I don't know where they get their ideas from sometimes!

And if you'd like to join the class action lawsuit

that is gathering momentum even as I speak,

make a note of all the following names.

# Diddy TV, Diddy TV Channel 6597423

# A brand-new rival for the BBC

# It's Diddy Dick and Dom's Diddy TV

# Diddy Dick and Dom's Diddy TV. #