Mr Choosy Diddy TV

# Larry Weinsteinberger, the Diddy Movies boss

# His last few films have flopped with catastrophic money loss

# So he's ditching Diddy Movies for the thrill of television

# The small screen is the future for those with any vision

# With Larry's bottom dollar He's launched a TV station

# Packed with creativity, style and innovation

# Diddy TV! Diddy TV! Channel 6597423

# A brand-new rival for the BBC

# It's Diddy Dick and Dom's Diddy TV! #

We've briefly dragged ourselves out of Diddy TV's familiar

cultural gutter to bring you the very tasteful Downton Moggy.

Rrrrow!

It's fish for supper tonight.

It's fish for supper EVERY night, sir.

So? I'm a cat with means.

DOORBELL RINGS Oh, rats. Who could that be?

Yes? Aaaaaargh!

-Catson, what is it?

-It's a...a...

-A... Dog!

-Oh, good gracious.

Hey, Lord Meowtham, come here and let me sniff you by the bum!

You've got a nerve, showing up here after chasing me up that tree.

Ha-ha, yah, you always were a scaredy cat.

-Woof! Woof! Woof!

-Get off.

Catson, meet my arch enemy, Houndby.

Call me Hounders.

-Pleased to meet you.

-May I take your bone, sir?

Oh, yah, good man, good man.

Oh, and while you're there, could you look after this?

It's my pet budgie, Flappy. He's my most treasured friend.

Well, Meowtham, aren't you going to show me round?

-Well, I... I suppose so.

-Woof! Woof!

-Hey!

-Nice place you've got here.

Those are my best shoes.

Woof! Woof!

Now, that is an antique.

Oh, Lord.

Catson, we have to do something.

Maybe this will help, sir.

Ah, yes, good idea.

HE WHISTLES Come on, boy.

Here we go, look at the sticky. And fetch!

Woof! Woof!

Now what, sir?

Well, seeing as he's made me miss my supper,

I'm feeling rather peckish.

Got it!

Hey, where's Flappy?

-Don't know what you mean, sir.

-No, me neither.

HE GROWLS

Shall I, er, delay dessert, sir?

I'll get you!

Yes, I think you'd better.

Oh, dear. Boring bum?

You need Boing Boing Pants!

Guaranteed to liven up anyone's trousers.

# Boing Boing Pants, Boing Boing Pants

# Pop them on your bottom, make your butt cheeks dance

# Zoop bam booda

# Zoop bam bow

# Za da boom

# Bopa bow bow

# Up and down, up and down all day long

# Wobble, wobble, boing, boing, boing. #

Have you ever seen anything like that in your life?

That's unbelievable!

# Boing, boing, boing! #

Warning - never put Boing Boing Pants on back to front.

Argh! Ooh, ooh, ooh!

So, Mr Choosy, you going to buy a pair of Boing Boing Pants?

I know, sometimes words are just not enough.

Your silence says it all.

Come on, the gloves are off. What do you think of it so far?

HE SQUEAKS

Well, that's just rude.

Well, time for antiques now on Diddy TV, and the pottery they look at.

Hello and welcome to this week's Diddy Roadshow.

And have we got some treasures to show you today.

-And so to our first objet...

-Of the day.

-Song Dynasty?

-Don't care.

Now kick it!

Join us next week, when we'll be looking at more expensive tut.

And if you've been affected by any of the issues in that programme,

you need to get out more!

APPLAUSE

Hello and welcome to Diddypops.

Here with this week's number one,

please whoop and cheer for Diddy Dick and Dom and the Diddy Bots!

CHEERING

# It's i-Diddy safety time so pay attention please

# Cos silly i-mistakes can lead to i-catastrophes

# Stuff stays online till the very end of time

# The cloud will never forget

# It's fine to be vocal but don't be antisocial

# Be careful when you use the internet

# He said that she said that you said that I said

# That they liked to think that they were cool

# You might think it's great when you gossip with your mates

# But you could end up by sounding really cruel

# Don't become a bore by adding photos of your dinner

# Don't say how fit your friend would be if only she was thinner

# Try not to lose your job by tweeting #HitByBus

# And never post a message when you're feeling really cross

# Don't bicker online, it's just a waste of time

# You'll open up an angry hornet's nest

# If you're doing something nice here's some valuable advice

# If we're not there we couldn't care less

# Don't meet up with folk you've never met. #

APPLAUSE

Hello! I'm Chris Parp.

And I'm Michaela Trump.

And welcome to... Guffwatch!

Yes, in this show we're going to be getting up close and personal

to the most amazing natural phenomena in our environment...

Guffs!

Yes, our hidden cameras will capture incredible pictures

and sound of all different shapes and sizes of wild guffs!

-I can't wait.

-Ah, well, then let's go over live to our first sighting.

Ah, now this is very exciting.

That squirrel has been eating nuts for over half an hour.

I think we've got a potential guff brewing.

-FARTING NOISE

-Yes, there it is.

Very fruity. Let's see that again.

Actually, Michaela,

I'm just getting word that we're going straight over

to our currycam now, as there's some amazing guffage coming through.

These two have just tucked into some leftover curry

at the back of the Prince of Persia curry house.

So fingers crossed, one's about to let rip.

FARTING NOISE

-A-maz-ing.

-Oh, Chris,

I don't think a guff of that magnitude has ever been recorded.

Of course, some guffs are nocturnal. They only come out at night.

Thanks to our infrared cameras, we can get in there

and catch those rare species too.

(I just hope we're not too late.)

FARTING NOISES

I can't believe what we're seeing here.

The heat pattern of a wild guff.

-It almost brings a tear to my eye.

-Yeah.

Well, we're going to be here all week, watching out for some more...

FART

Michaela? Was that...

-FART

-And was that...

-FART

-Oh!

-Oh!

FARTING CONTINUES

-Excuse me!

-Oh...

Join us next time for some more... Oh, dear...

..Guffs.

-FARTING CONTINUES

-Oh...

-Oh!

Who knew guffs were such a serious issue?

Next you'll be telling me you didn't like THAT either.

Fine, be like that.

Mr Choosy, is there anything you've liked so far?

UPBEAT MUSIC

You know, I'm thinking of calling you Mr Picky from now on.

Discombobulate. It's the action-packed family game of chance,

general knowledge and non-lethal violence.

Throw the dice, move your piece, collect the trinkets,

avoid the traps, unlock the mystery, watch out for the mutant snakes,

ride the rickety rickshaw, eat the beetroot of truth.

Then...

KLAXON SOUNDS

When you hear that sound, grab your discombobulator

and let's discombobulate!

Who will win the gold crown, and who will be discombobulated?

Who will be discombobulated?

Discombobulate!

Suitable for ages 19 and a half to 19 and three quarters.

Surprise, surprise, surprise, surprise, surprise, surprise,

surprise, surprise.

Hello. I'm Holly Willough-b.

And I'm Holly Willough-a.

And welcome to Surprise, surprise,

surprise, surprise, surprise,

surprise.

Now, after last week's show, we got some complaints, didn't we, Holly?

17.4 million.

Some of you wrote in, telling us

that we're being cruel to our guests.

And making them cry.

Heartbreaking!

So this week, we've decided to surprise someone

and try and make them happy.

They'll be running around their living room.

BOTH: They'd better be!

THEY GRUNT

Now, where are you... Sandra Freezerbag?

Sandra, last month you thought you'd lost a very special friend

when your stick insect went missing in the woods.

AUDIENCE: Aww!

Well, surpri-ise,

Twiggy is here tonight, safe and well.

Oh. Thanks.

Pretty amazing, eh?

Enough to make anyone leap for joy.

Well, come on then!

We'd be jumping on the flipping sofas if we were you!

I'm fine.

She's hard to please, this one.

Oh, Sandra - we know you've always wanted to go to America.

Well, surprise, surprise,

we've bought you a piece of prime real estate on the coast of Florida!

AUDIENCE: Woo!

Really?

Well, thanks very much, that's...

And surpri-ise - you used to dream of being an astronaut,

so we got you your very own space shuttle!

AUDIENCE: Woo!

You're joking?

And surprise, surprise -

your bank balance used to be £4.30,

until we transferred

£300 million into your account!

AUDIENCE: Woo!

Does any of that make you at all...

BOTH: ..happy?!

-Yes, yes, yes!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yes!

Aww. I think she's fit to burst.

-HIGH PITCHED:

-Yes! Yes! Yes!

-Oh!

-Well...

I wasn't expecting that.

Neither was I.

See you next time for more...

BOTH: ..Surprise, surprise.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Don't tell me. That was rubbish too.

Well, come on, then.

Let's get this over with. Do your...thing.

UPBEAT MUSIC

And this time I hope it doesn't grow back.

That's it. Done, done, done, done, done, done.

Yes, you heard me. Thank you very much.

# Diddy TV, Diddy TV

# Channel 6597423

# A brand-new rival for the BBC

# It's Diddy Dick and Dom's Diddy TV

# Diddy Dick and Dom's Diddy TV! #