Mr Stockholm Diddy TV
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Transcript
| Line | From | To | |
|---|---|---|---|
# Larry Weinsteinberger the Diddy Movies boss | 0:00:02 | 0:00:04 | |
# His last few films have flopped with catastrophic money loss | 0:00:04 | 0:00:07 | |
# So he's ditching Diddy Movies for the thrill of television | 0:00:07 | 0:00:10 | |
# The small screen is the future for those with any vision | 0:00:10 | 0:00:13 | |
# With Larry's bottom dollar he's launched a TV station | 0:00:13 | 0:00:16 | |
# Packed with creativity style and innovation | 0:00:16 | 0:00:20 | |
# Diddy TV! Diddy TV! | 0:00:20 | 0:00:23 | |
# Channel 6597423 | 0:00:23 | 0:00:26 | |
# A brand-new rival for the BBC | 0:00:26 | 0:00:29 | |
# It's Diddy Dick and Dom's Diddy TV! # | 0:00:29 | 0:00:32 | |
Welcome to Diddy TV, the home of light bulbs, springs, | 0:00:34 | 0:00:37 | |
don't know what that is in the corner | 0:00:37 | 0:00:39 | |
and a telly made out of rainbows! | 0:00:39 | 0:00:41 | |
This is Colin. Can't see him? Of course you can't. | 0:00:41 | 0:00:44 | |
That's because he's invisible. Give us a wave, Colin. | 0:00:44 | 0:00:48 | |
Ha-ha, classic Colin! | 0:00:48 | 0:00:50 | |
But watch out, because Colin's about to go undercover | 0:00:50 | 0:00:52 | |
in a regular school as we play... | 0:00:52 | 0:00:55 | |
These kids have no idea that they're about to be | 0:00:59 | 0:01:01 | |
visited by our very own invisible man. | 0:01:01 | 0:01:04 | |
Is it your school? | 0:01:04 | 0:01:05 | |
Is it your class? Let's find out. | 0:01:05 | 0:01:09 | |
-Where's the teacher? -Maybe he's late. | 0:01:09 | 0:01:12 | |
-I'm already here! -Who said that? | 0:01:12 | 0:01:15 | |
Me. Right, first lesson - music. I want to teach you a dance. | 0:01:15 | 0:01:19 | |
MUSIC: Macarena by Los del Rio | 0:01:19 | 0:01:21 | |
Right, just copy everything I do. | 0:01:21 | 0:01:25 | |
Come on! Join in! | 0:01:25 | 0:01:27 | |
Oh, no, Charlie! Like this. | 0:01:27 | 0:01:30 | |
Oh, for goodness' sake! Right, forget it! | 0:01:30 | 0:01:34 | |
Right, who's for a game of hide and seek? | 0:01:34 | 0:01:37 | |
-That's just not fair! -No, this isn't fair. -Ha-ha! | 0:01:37 | 0:01:41 | |
-Hey! -Now, where am I? Am I over here? | 0:01:41 | 0:01:44 | |
-Hey! -Or am I over here? | 0:01:44 | 0:01:47 | |
Hey! | 0:01:47 | 0:01:49 | |
I think it's time to let them in on our little secret, don't you? | 0:01:49 | 0:01:51 | |
There's something you should know - I'm not a regular supply teacher. | 0:01:51 | 0:01:55 | |
Obviously! | 0:01:55 | 0:01:57 | |
You're on Help, My Supply Teacher Is Invisible! | 0:01:57 | 0:02:00 | |
Look, there's a camera there. | 0:02:00 | 0:02:02 | |
We can't see where you're pointing, sir. | 0:02:02 | 0:02:06 | |
Bye! | 0:02:06 | 0:02:07 | |
-I think he's gone. -No, I haven't! | 0:02:07 | 0:02:10 | |
Agggh! | 0:02:10 | 0:02:12 | |
Top banana! Another class totally stitched up. | 0:02:12 | 0:02:15 | |
So next time you have a supply teacher who's not all there, | 0:02:15 | 0:02:18 | |
maybe it's time for you to shout... | 0:02:18 | 0:02:20 | |
-ALL: -Help, My Supply Teacher Is Invisible! -Classic. | 0:02:20 | 0:02:23 | |
When it comes to coffee, if you are not experiencing | 0:02:33 | 0:02:37 | |
a taste that is truly intense, | 0:02:37 | 0:02:39 | |
you need to change your coffee-maker. | 0:02:39 | 0:02:43 | |
Introducing a new generation of fancy-schmancy coffee machines - | 0:02:44 | 0:02:50 | |
the Slappucino Maker. | 0:02:50 | 0:02:53 | |
It's the only way to be sure... | 0:02:53 | 0:02:56 | |
you'll be wide awake every morning. | 0:02:56 | 0:02:59 | |
Mmm, Colombian beans. | 0:02:59 | 0:03:01 | |
Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! | 0:03:01 | 0:03:04 | |
Mmm! And a slappy hand. | 0:03:04 | 0:03:06 | |
The Slappucino Maker - | 0:03:09 | 0:03:11 | |
start your day with a slap. | 0:03:11 | 0:03:13 | |
Countess Tiddles, may I remind you that I am the feline owner | 0:03:20 | 0:03:24 | |
of this stonking great mansion. | 0:03:24 | 0:03:27 | |
I'll therefore thank you not to moult here, | 0:03:27 | 0:03:29 | |
especially not on my butler. | 0:03:29 | 0:03:31 | |
As you wish. I'll moult on you instead. | 0:03:31 | 0:03:35 | |
Why of all the impertinent...! | 0:03:35 | 0:03:39 | |
HISSING | 0:03:39 | 0:03:40 | |
-Meow! -Meow! -Sssss! | 0:03:40 | 0:03:43 | |
Meoo... | 0:03:44 | 0:03:45 | |
Captain, call the vet. | 0:03:45 | 0:03:47 | |
-Already done, sir. -Good show. | 0:03:47 | 0:03:49 | |
Is it bad, Dr Whiskers? | 0:03:52 | 0:03:54 | |
She's the last one left from my mother's litter, you know? | 0:03:54 | 0:03:57 | |
If anything happened to her, his lordship would be... | 0:03:57 | 0:03:59 | |
Countess Tiddles is very, very sick... | 0:03:59 | 0:04:02 | |
GASPING | 0:04:02 | 0:04:03 | |
..und very old, but only in cat years! | 0:04:03 | 0:04:07 | |
She's as strong as a tiger. | 0:04:07 | 0:04:08 | |
I would say she has eight of her nine lives left. | 0:04:08 | 0:04:12 | |
What? | 0:04:12 | 0:04:14 | |
Meow! | 0:04:14 | 0:04:16 | |
What are you all staring at? | 0:04:19 | 0:04:21 | |
Go and fetch me some milk. | 0:04:21 | 0:04:24 | |
-Now! -Oh, dear! This is worse than I thought. | 0:04:24 | 0:04:28 | |
She's... | 0:04:28 | 0:04:31 | |
an awful moggy. | 0:04:31 | 0:04:32 | |
Yes, she's intolerable. | 0:04:32 | 0:04:34 | |
Doctor, do you think you could... | 0:04:34 | 0:04:36 | |
You know... | 0:04:36 | 0:04:38 | |
Lord Meowtham, are you suggesting we put down a perfectly healthy cat? | 0:04:38 | 0:04:43 | |
Certainly not. What I meant was... | 0:04:43 | 0:04:46 | |
INAUDIBLE WHISPERS | 0:04:46 | 0:04:48 | |
Good morning, madam, I trust you are feeling well rested. | 0:04:50 | 0:04:53 | |
Of course not! | 0:04:53 | 0:04:55 | |
How long did that vet say I needed | 0:04:55 | 0:04:58 | |
to wear this infernal contraption? | 0:04:58 | 0:05:01 | |
Not long, Tiddles, my dear. Only about two or three months. | 0:05:01 | 0:05:06 | |
-Mwa-ha-ha! -What?! | 0:05:06 | 0:05:09 | |
-Oh! -Oops, I seem to have moulted in your mouth, Countess. | 0:05:09 | 0:05:12 | |
Next time on Downton Moggy... | 0:05:14 | 0:05:16 | |
Lord Meowtham gets distracted by a piece of cotton | 0:05:16 | 0:05:19 | |
and Catson gets giant fleas. | 0:05:19 | 0:05:23 | |
Is that a great show, or is that a great show? | 0:05:24 | 0:05:28 | |
I think you missed out at least one option there, Larry. | 0:05:28 | 0:05:30 | |
Oh, come on, Mr Stockholme! | 0:05:30 | 0:05:32 | |
I bet you can't name me one show more entertaining than that. | 0:05:32 | 0:05:36 | |
I could name you 37 without using the letter E or pausing for breath, | 0:05:36 | 0:05:40 | |
but that's not why I came round. | 0:05:40 | 0:05:41 | |
Well, like my old Grand-ma-ma-ma-ma used to say, | 0:05:41 | 0:05:44 | |
"If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." | 0:05:44 | 0:05:47 | |
-I've got something really important to tell you. -About the next Diddy? | 0:05:47 | 0:05:51 | |
-No. -Stars In Their Pies? -No. | 0:05:51 | 0:05:53 | |
Shh! This bit's serious. | 0:05:53 | 0:05:55 | |
TRUMPING | 0:05:58 | 0:06:00 | |
TRUMPING | 0:06:00 | 0:06:04 | |
All the freshest trumps on Trump Player, innit?! | 0:06:04 | 0:06:07 | |
Life validation now from more people | 0:06:07 | 0:06:10 | |
on TV pretending to be other people on TV. | 0:06:10 | 0:06:14 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:06:17 | 0:06:20 | |
Hello, and welcome to Stars In Their Pies - | 0:06:20 | 0:06:25 | |
the show where members of the general public get to be | 0:06:25 | 0:06:27 | |
a star for the day, so long as that star is... | 0:06:27 | 0:06:30 | |
-AUDIENCE: -Baked in a pie! | 0:06:30 | 0:06:32 | |
You are getting it, so let's meet tonight's lucky contestant | 0:06:32 | 0:06:36 | |
who is Billy Coldcloth from Hemel Hempstead! | 0:06:36 | 0:06:40 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:06:40 | 0:06:43 | |
So, Billy, what do we need to know about you? | 0:06:43 | 0:06:45 | |
Well, Mike, I once went to Stockport Spoon Museum on a Tuesday. | 0:06:45 | 0:06:49 | |
And I can eat a whole chocolate eclair with my nose. | 0:06:51 | 0:06:55 | |
Prove it. | 0:06:57 | 0:06:59 | |
Yeah, you can't do it, can you? | 0:07:10 | 0:07:12 | |
No, I only said it so I seemed more interesting. | 0:07:12 | 0:07:14 | |
-You look really ridiculous right now. -I know. | 0:07:14 | 0:07:19 | |
So, Billy, do you like stars? | 0:07:19 | 0:07:20 | |
-APPLAUSE -And do you like pies? | 0:07:20 | 0:07:22 | |
-APPLAUSE -Well, then, you're my kind of person | 0:07:22 | 0:07:26 | |
because it's time to play Stars In Their Pies. | 0:07:26 | 0:07:29 | |
Now, Billy, give us a clue as to which star | 0:07:33 | 0:07:35 | |
you're going to be for us. | 0:07:35 | 0:07:36 | |
Well, Mike, my star was born in Yorkshire in 1992 | 0:07:36 | 0:07:39 | |
and like every good pie, it is doughy in the middle | 0:07:39 | 0:07:42 | |
-and fluffy on the top. -And what about that pie? | 0:07:42 | 0:07:45 | |
Well, the pie and the star both share the same russet colouring | 0:07:45 | 0:07:49 | |
that you would associate with autumn, | 0:07:49 | 0:07:51 | |
which is lucky because it's this time of the year | 0:07:51 | 0:07:53 | |
that the pie's normally eaten. And, like my star, this pie is big | 0:07:53 | 0:07:56 | |
in America because Americans like to eat them at Thanksgiving. | 0:07:56 | 0:08:00 | |
Well, I think we know enough, so off you go. | 0:08:00 | 0:08:03 | |
Tonight on Stars In Their Pies, | 0:08:03 | 0:08:06 | |
Billy Coldcloth from Hemel Hempstead really has got something | 0:08:06 | 0:08:09 | |
to sing about as he's going to be... | 0:08:09 | 0:08:14 | |
..Ed Sheeran baked into a puff pastry pumpkin pie! | 0:08:17 | 0:08:20 | |
Take it away, Billy! | 0:08:20 | 0:08:22 | |
# I need you darling | 0:08:25 | 0:08:27 | |
# Come on, set the tone | 0:08:27 | 0:08:29 | |
# If you feel you're falling Won't you let me know | 0:08:29 | 0:08:32 | |
# Oh-oh-oh-ooh-oh | 0:08:32 | 0:08:36 | |
# Oh-oh-oh-ooh-oh | 0:08:36 | 0:08:40 | |
# Sing! # | 0:08:40 | 0:08:42 | |
Well, that's all we have time for this week, so bye-bye! | 0:08:43 | 0:08:47 | |
-Agggh! -Chompy-chompy. | 0:08:50 | 0:08:53 | |
And now, Diddy Dragons. | 0:08:53 | 0:08:55 | |
The entrepreneurs are back in the den, | 0:08:58 | 0:09:02 | |
this time pitching a new twist on a popular food. | 0:09:02 | 0:09:05 | |
Ahem. | 0:09:08 | 0:09:11 | |
Ahem. | 0:09:11 | 0:09:12 | |
-Ahem. -Ahem. -Ahem. -Ahem. -Ahem. -Ahem. | 0:09:12 | 0:09:15 | |
Ahem! | 0:09:15 | 0:09:16 | |
Hello, Diddy Dragons. | 0:09:16 | 0:09:19 | |
I'm Corn Flake and this is my business partner Freddie Dweat. | 0:09:19 | 0:09:23 | |
-Erm... -Cheese! | 0:09:26 | 0:09:28 | |
Yes, I'm doing it! | 0:09:28 | 0:09:30 | |
46% of cheese goes mouldy and is thrown in the bin | 0:09:30 | 0:09:35 | |
and 100% of cheese cannot connect to Wi-Fi. | 0:09:35 | 0:09:39 | |
So introducing... | 0:09:39 | 0:09:41 | |
Choise! | 0:09:42 | 0:09:44 | |
Choise - cheese for the digital generation... | 0:09:44 | 0:09:48 | |
..as Freddie will now demonstrate. | 0:09:49 | 0:09:53 | |
It takes phone calls, checks your e-mails | 0:09:53 | 0:09:57 | |
and, of course, it tastes great on crackers. | 0:09:57 | 0:10:00 | |
Well, go on, then, Freddie, tuck in. | 0:10:00 | 0:10:02 | |
No, you tuck in. I'm always getting hurt! | 0:10:02 | 0:10:05 | |
Fine, I will! | 0:10:05 | 0:10:06 | |
Mmm, delicious! | 0:10:09 | 0:10:12 | |
Right, my turn. | 0:10:12 | 0:10:14 | |
Just a few weenie teething problems. | 0:10:17 | 0:10:20 | |
We're looking for 99,999.99. | 0:10:20 | 0:10:25 | |
And, yes, we've got the change. | 0:10:26 | 0:10:29 | |
I think that went better than expected. | 0:10:29 | 0:10:31 | |
Join us next time in the Den, | 0:10:31 | 0:10:33 | |
when someone finally adds USB 3 to a cocker spaniel. | 0:10:33 | 0:10:37 | |
-I just... -Shh! -But... -Shh! -Your... -Shhhh! | 0:10:37 | 0:10:40 | |
-It's really... -QUIET! | 0:10:42 | 0:10:45 | |
-I'm so lucky to have you as a neighbour. -Shh! | 0:10:47 | 0:10:50 | |
As Diddy King Cole once nearly sung, | 0:10:51 | 0:10:53 | |
let's face the booby-traps and dance! | 0:10:53 | 0:10:56 | |
Yes, it's Saturday night and time for Strictly Come Booby Trapped! | 0:10:59 | 0:11:06 | |
Please welcome Diddy Backshall and Orla | 0:11:06 | 0:11:10 | |
dancing the cha-cha-cha... | 0:11:10 | 0:11:13 | |
..with booby-traps. | 0:11:13 | 0:11:15 | |
-I don't know if I can do this. -Keep focused, Backshall. | 0:11:17 | 0:11:20 | |
CHA-CHA-CHA MUSIC PLAYS | 0:11:20 | 0:11:24 | |
CHA-CHA-CHA MUSIC CONTINUES | 0:11:34 | 0:11:37 | |
-Agggh! -Agggh! | 0:11:49 | 0:11:53 | |
Judges, your scores. | 0:11:53 | 0:11:55 | |
Len, Len, Half-past Ten? | 0:11:55 | 0:11:57 | |
Oh, hey, artichokes... I tell you what, the way you use that space | 0:11:57 | 0:12:03 | |
until there wasn't any more space - | 0:12:03 | 0:12:05 | |
that brought a tear to my eye. | 0:12:05 | 0:12:07 | |
From Len, the 10! | 0:12:07 | 0:12:10 | |
Craig, Bag-of-Revels? | 0:12:10 | 0:12:12 | |
Do you know what, darlings? | 0:12:12 | 0:12:13 | |
You squeezed a lot into that dance | 0:12:13 | 0:12:15 | |
and that dance squeezed a lot into you. | 0:12:15 | 0:12:18 | |
I'm giving you 10! | 0:12:18 | 0:12:19 | |
-Diddy Bussell? -Rubbish! | 0:12:21 | 0:12:24 | |
10! | 0:12:24 | 0:12:25 | |
And Bruno Ravioli? | 0:12:27 | 0:12:30 | |
Perfecto! | 0:12:30 | 0:12:32 | |
You two belong-a together. | 0:12:32 | 0:12:35 | |
Which is lucky, because I don't know if we can get you apart again. | 0:12:35 | 0:12:39 | |
10! | 0:12:39 | 0:12:41 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:12:41 | 0:12:43 | |
Join us next time for more Strictly Come Booby Trapped! | 0:12:43 | 0:12:47 | |
Aggggggh! | 0:12:47 | 0:12:50 | |
-Oh, that is disgusting! -Oh, golly, I think I'm going to be sick! | 0:12:50 | 0:12:54 | |
Rubbish! | 0:12:54 | 0:12:56 | |
-Shall we go to X Factor? -Yeah, think we should. | 0:12:56 | 0:12:58 | |
THEY MUMBLE | 0:12:58 | 0:13:01 | |
Oh, now, don't tell me you don't like Strictly Come Booby Trapped. | 0:13:03 | 0:13:06 | |
All right, then. | 0:13:06 | 0:13:09 | |
-So you do like it? -No, you just told me not to tell you. Oh, come on! | 0:13:09 | 0:13:12 | |
Everyone likes Strictly - except you. | 0:13:12 | 0:13:15 | |
You never like anything. | 0:13:15 | 0:13:17 | |
I don't know why you bother coming round to watch my telly. | 0:13:17 | 0:13:20 | |
-I didn't come round to watch telly. -Then why did you come round? | 0:13:20 | 0:13:24 | |
-Your shed's on fire. -What?! | 0:13:24 | 0:13:28 | |
Well, the attack dogs we keep outside the studio | 0:13:28 | 0:13:30 | |
have scared of the disgruntled public for another day. | 0:13:30 | 0:13:33 | |
Goodbye. | 0:13:33 | 0:13:36 | |
# Diddy TV! Diddy TV! | 0:13:36 | 0:13:38 | |
# Channel 6597423 | 0:13:38 | 0:13:41 | |
# A brand-new rival for the BBC | 0:13:41 | 0:13:44 | |
# It's Diddy Dick and Dom's Diddy TV | 0:13:44 | 0:13:48 | |
# Diddy Dick And Dom's Diddy TV! # | 0:13:51 | 0:13:54 |
