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Don't Be Silly Diddy TV

Don't Be Silly

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# Larry Weinsteinberger the Diddy Movies boss

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# His last few films have flopped with catastrophic money loss

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# So he's ditching Diddy Movies for the thrill of television

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# The small screen is the future for those with any vision

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# With Larry's bottom dollar he's launched a TV station

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# Packed with creativity Style and innovation

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# Diddy TV! Diddy TV!

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# Channel 6597423

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# A brand-new rival for the BBC

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# It's Diddy Dick and Dom's Diddy TV! #

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Welcome to Diddy TV.

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Our mission is to entertain, educate and inform.

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Ah, I told them I could say that with a straight face.

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PRESENTER: These kids have no idea that they're about to have

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a very special lesson in magic.

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Is it your school?

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Is it your class? Let's find out.

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Hello, I'm Merlin Gandalf. I'm your new supply teacher for the day.

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-ALL:

-Good morning, Merlin Gandalf.

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So far, so good. The kids have no idea Merlin is a wizard.

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-Sir, are you a wi...?

-No...shouting out!

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-GASPING

-Ribbit!

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Cookery.

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So worms' intestines,

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bats' eyeballs,

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lizards' lips...

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..and a pinch of paprika. Right, who wants to try some?

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Rose does!

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Eh? Oh, right, Rose, nice you've volunteered. Up you come.

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Here you are, go on, then. Why volunteer? Try some of that.

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-Cluck-cluck!

-Now go and sit down.

-GASPING

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-Go on.

-This is one lesson they'll never forget.

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And they still have no idea their supply teacher is a wizard.

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-Sir, are you...?

-Shut up!

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GASPING

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Time for art now.

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Art with a capital A for awesome!

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All right - now, pay attention.

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Notice that I never actually touch the brush.

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Huh?

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What do you think about that?

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It's a load of rubb...

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Brilliance.

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Well, Charles, I've actually got a confession to make

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because I'm not actually a regular supply teacher...

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Really?! I'd never have guessed.

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I am actually...a wizard!

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Look, there's the camera!

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Amazing!

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-That explains the hat and the beard...

-Yeah!

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..and changing my friends into pumpkins and that.

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Exactly! Well, until next time.

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But, sir, aren't you going to

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change them back?!

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GASPING

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I hate shouting.

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Priceless!

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Another class completely duped.

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So next time you have a supply teacher who's acting

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a bit strange, how long will it take for you to shout...

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-ALL:

-Help, My Supply Teacher Is A Wizard!

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Classic!

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# I'm wearing a white shirt

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# And I hurt

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# So much... #

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Introducing the amazing debut album

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of international pop sensation...

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Featuring the massive hit single I'm Walking In The Rain.

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# I'm walking in the rain

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# Like a drain

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-# I'm so wet...

-#

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And introducing the brand-new classic

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I'm Stroking A Pony.

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# She let's me stroke her hair

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# Cos I care

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# Oh, yeah. #

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The safe, safe sound of Gary Boyfriend - My First Album.

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Take him home to meet your mum today.

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# I'm wearing a white shirt... #

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-BOTH:

-Mum, Mum, make us some sweets!

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-Mum!

-Why not make your own?

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Presenting everything you need to make your own sweets.

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In just four hours, using a simple 17-step recipe

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and 20 quid's worth of raw ingredients,

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you too can make a handful of low-quality sweeties.

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They test every bit as good as they look.

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Why not make your own sweets?

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Because it's blinking hard work, that's why.

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So shut up and stop asking me!

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BARKING AND CRYING

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And stop whining.

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Sweets - surprisingly tricky.

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DiddyWitter members can use the hashtag #stopthismadnessnow.

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But a fat lot of good it'll do them.

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Hello, and welcome to DiddyPops.

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Here with this week's number one, please whoop and cheer for

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Diddy Dick and Dom and The Good Old Diddy Boys.

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Now, I'll only say this once,

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it's Richard Diddy Duck's World Of Wonder Presents...

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The Dinkas.

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You join me deep in the rainforest where the long-lost Dinka tribe

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have allowed me to experience their age-old culture first-hand.

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Let me introduce you to Flapping Chicken...

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Buck-buck!

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And...

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Does Not Mime.

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Now, before I join these proud, but primitive people,

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I must first undergo their ancient naming ceremony

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to determine my own Dinka name.

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DICK SNIGGERS

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It has been decreed.

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For the next 24 hours I shall be known as...

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Mud In Face.

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THEY LAUGH AND CHANT

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'That night, I'm offered the greatest delicacy in Dinka cuisine -

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'hot air soup.

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'Using the traditional skyhook, I feast on the unfeastable.'

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And now I shall become a true Dinka warrior, by undertaking

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the Tiger Walk - treading barefoot across these red-hot coals.

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Now, to our Western eyes,

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this may seem dangerous,

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but I'm informed by my hosts

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that as long as my heart is pure and my soul...

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-Argghhh!

-DICK LAUGHS

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And my soul... Argggh!

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Why is it called the Tiger Walk again?

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GROWLING

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Whaaaaagh!

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HE SHRIEKS

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DICK LAUGHS

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Eh? Eh? Eh? THEY SNIGGER

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And so...

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I come to the end of my brief,

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but memorable time here with the Dinka tribe.

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FARTING

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Excuse me.

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Nothing but hot air soup.

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Lucky me!

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-THEY LAUGH You see, I reckon, I reckon...

-Yeah?

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..we could get him to jump off

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-Knifedagger Cliff.

-What, what -

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give him a magic feather to hold or something like that, yeah?

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Ha-ha! Prat.

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You... You!

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Now, what's happened here is,

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you've corrupted us with your outside influence.

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Yeah, it's totally your fault. I mean, we were happy primitives,

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until you came here with your, like,

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so-called civilisation!

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-Wasn't even a real tiger!

-GROWLING

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Huh - yeah. As if I'm going to fall for THAT...

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AAAARGH!

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Team Deathmatch?

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Yeah, all right.

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VIDEO GAME EFECTS

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I had to live in the jungle. As one of my Blue Peter challenges.

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Really?

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Yeah, it was tough.

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I can imagine.

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Living in a hut, eating insects, washing in a waterfall...

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I lost my sunglasses.

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Aww. That must have been terrible(!)

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So - how you gonna follow that?

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Oh, this year's challenge is the toughest yet.

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It's going to take me to the very edge of my sanity.

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What is it?!

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Well... Ooh -

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I'll tell you after, I can't miss this.

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Hey! You!

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-Who, me?!

-Yes - you!

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Want to see something cool?

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Yeah. I surely would.

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Talk to me, Mother!

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Show...me... MORE!

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There's loads of great shows on Diddy TV.

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-BOTH:

-Oh, really?!

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That's not what I heard!

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Rubbish!

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Ever get a feeling your words are being taken out of context?

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Ten!

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All great shows, all the time.

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That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

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I wouldn't show that to my dog.

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Don't you hate it when TV channels are too cheap

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-to make proper trailers?

-Yeah.

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No - it's really good!

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"Really good"(!)

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Yeah! "It's really good"(!)

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Stop that!

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-BOTH:

-Wooo(!)

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I'm on next... Watch it.

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# Diddy TV! #

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APPLAUSE

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Hello, and welcome to Diddy Or No Diddy,

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the game where random guessing

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is dressed up as skill and spooky intuition.

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APPLAUSE

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So let's meet today's contestant, who is Johnny Obvious.

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So er...Johnny, what strategy

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will you be employing today?

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Er, just going to be really obvious and guess.

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I love it! Not even a hint of maverick in this guy.

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I don't even know what it means.

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Well, it means...an unorthodox or...

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independent-minded person, or nonconformist or free-spirited.

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-Well, I just meant I'm really, really standard.

-Good for you.

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Walk your own path, be that boring person inside.

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Thanks, Barry.

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So, in one of these boxes is a Diddy.

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It's your job to find it.

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Yeah, obviously.

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Yeah. Obviously.

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So - it's time to play... Diddy Or No Diddy.

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Johnny, choose your first box.

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Oi. Number 7!

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Number 7, over 'ere...

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Erm...

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Number 1.

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OK...

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Number 1, open the box.

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AUDIENCE: Awww!

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Oh, no Diddy.

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So Johnny, choose another box -

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really try and detect that Diddy.

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Oi, mate. Here, mate!

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Er...

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It's number 7, I'm here in number 7.

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-..number 2.

-You're kidding!

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OK... Number 2.

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Open your box.

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AUDIENCE: Awww!

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Well...!

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Amazingly, no Diddy.

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Tell me, Johnny - are you guessing or...just counting?

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PHONE RINGS Er...

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Thank goodness.

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Yeah?

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Yeah, well, he's the best we could get.

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Well, the others couldn't even count.

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Right... The banker says try box 7.

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Oi-oi! Number 7!

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No, he's just trying to put me off the scent.

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REALLY?!

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-Oi...!

-Yeah. You can't fool me.

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Number 7!

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7! 7!

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-Number 3.

-No...!

-AUDIENCE: Awww!

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-No, it's a fix.

-Right! That's it. I'm leaving.

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Congratulations, Johnny, you're the new host of Diddy Or No Diddy.

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No, hang on - number 4.

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I've had enough of this.

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Shave this beard off. It's all gone crrrazy!

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That's all we've got time for on Diddy Or No Diddy. Obviously.

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So we'll see you same time tomorrow. Erm...

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Obviously.

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APPLAUSE

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If you send us a stamped addressed envelope with your name and address,

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we can throw it into our stamped addressed envelope bin. Goodbye!

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# Diddy TV, Diddy TV

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# Channel 6597423

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# A brand-new rival for the BBC

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# It's Diddy Dick and Dom's Diddy TV

0:13:380:13:42

# Diddy Dick and Dom's Diddy TV! #

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